Son of Zorn (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

1 You know, Alan, we can't say we're taking part in a Turkey Trot if we don't dress the part.
- Gobble gobble.
- You don't have to say "gobble gobble" after everything.
Okay, I'll come up with some other cool animal sounds.
I tell you what, I hope everyone at this race is ready to get their asses lapped.
Zorn, this is just for fun.
So don't do that thing where you run way too fast and create a vacuum behind you.
Remember the breast cancer walk? [snorts.]
CRAIG: Alan, I measured your head while you were sleeping.
I think this will fit.
I'm gonna go see what's up with those bathrooms, so Well, don't forgot your turkey hat! Uh, for tomorrow, I was gonna bring a Smorkleberry pie that I made don't worry, I followed the rules so we don't all get poisoned.
If the berry's yellow, you're okay, fellow.
But the berry's red, you're already dead.
[chuckles.]
Zorn, I told you you can't come.
I'm sorry, but this is the first time since we were married that my mom agreed to come over for Thanksgiving.
Well, I thought that was just one of your elaborate jokes that doesn't make any sense.
You know, like getting engaged to Craig.
So you wouldn't turn some innocent comment into a big fight about politics and then hurl her rental car into the sun? I mean, come on, that was [snorts.]
that was the old Zorn.
Okay? That was the Zorn that hated your horrible hag of a mother.
I-I've changed into the Zorn that can ignore that your mother's a horrible hag.
And I would never knowingly hurt someone if Go time! [air horn blares.]
[whooshing.]
[gasping, shouting.]
[whooshing.]
[music.]
ALAN: I mean, this is pretty much the best summer music program out there.
[laughs.]
It's crazy, but I could actually see myself becoming a musician one day.
ZORN: No, that's not crazy.
No, I think it's great they're letting boys do that now.
Yeah, Mom says I can't do it 'cause the program costs, like, ten grand.
Well, you can always ask your grandma.
She's a hateful wench who should be tediously destroyed, - but she is independently wealthy.
- I guess it won't - be that bad.
- Yeah, she totally deserves to die.
Can you believe she thinks I ruined your mom's life? Well, after you met Mom, she did drop out of college and end up saddled with a burdensome kid.
- That's a good point.
- Well, for what it's worth, it does suck you can't come to Thanksgiving.
Hey, hey, hey, don't you worry your little head about me, okay? You go have fun with the family.
I got big plans tomorrow anyway.
[chuckling.]
Big plans.
[clicking tongue.]
Ugh, this itch is killing me.
[beep, line ringing.]
- Zorn, I'm with a patient.
- Uh, no, no.
[indistinct screams, clamoring.]
I-I'll be quick, Dr.
Klorpins.
I've got this itch in my penises area.
And, uh, I ran this 5K yesterday, so I think it might it have Yeah, Zorn, Zorn, that's runner's rash.
It's easily treatable.
You just need a dragon's fang and the blood of a royal infant.
Mix it up into a paste and slather it on your scrotums.
Oh, on all the scrotums.
Okay.
All right, thanks, Doc.
[scraping sounds.]
[clattering.]
[dramatic music.]
[whizzing.]
[roars.]
[screams.]
I will destroy you! Ow.
What are you doing here, Linda? Avoiding Thanksgiving, 'cause I hate it.
- What are you doing here? - Missing Thanksgiving, 'cause Edie's mom hates me.
Also, my upstairs neighbors play some song called "Black Hole Sun" over and over real loud.
I guess we're hanging out then.
CRAIG: So why does your mom hate Zorn again? EDIE: Well, can you blame her? She was a single working mom, gave her kids a great life, and then she just watched me throw it all away by running off to Zephyria and marrying a barbarian.
You know, Edie, this might not be the right time to say it, but you got a book in you.
[sighs.]
I just feel like, after all these years, I'd like to show her that my life is on a great track again.
- Mm-hmm.
- My career, my family.
[doorbell rings.]
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, my God, she's here.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Stop with the beans.
- Yep.
Nope.
I am.
Hi, Mom.
- Edie, hello! - Hi.
Happy Turkey Day, Roberta.
- Craig.
- Hi.
I swear, you haven't got one day older since the last time I saw you.
Oh, don't worry, I'm not a vampire.
[chuckles.]
Or am I? [growls.]
- [laughing.]
Oh - Hi, Grammy! I must not have heard you come in, because I was practicing my music in my room, you know? Music is my life.
[chuckles.]
Well, darling, would you put that down, go out to the car, get my luggage, and put it in your room? - You're staying in my room? - Yes.
I don't know why I said that as a question, because you are Yeah.
Grandma is the greatest generation Grandma [clears throat.]
Let me get those bags.
- Bag 'em up, load 'em in! - That's right.
[whoops.]
No problem! [sighs.]
Mom, I'm so glad you're here.
There's so much I want to show you.
If it's the wine stain on your sweater, I've already seen that.
[forced laugh.]
Oh! LINDA: That one looks like a pig, right? ZORN: Oh, and-and that one looks like a throk-beast.
LINDA: Throk-beast? It's like a cross between a horse and a river chakraborg.
Yeah.
So, why do you hate Thanksgiving? Me, I mean, I'll take any excuse to be with my family.
I grew up on a farm.
I had a pet turkey.
You love a turkey, then tell me you're okay with Thanksgiving.
No, no, I hear you.
I mean, raise a child and then tell me you still love the Spring Child-Eating Festival, right? [chuckles.]
- So, you're not allowed at Thanksgiving? - Yeah, you know, my ex-wife thinks I'm gonna go all Zorn on her mom.
Uh, that's a saying about someone else, by the way.
Zorn Paulson.
But, I mean, come on.
- You can see I've changed, right? - Yeah, I mean, when I first met you, you were violent and incompetent.
And now you're less those things.
Oh, you know what? I should just crash Thanksgiving dinner, whether they like it or not, and prove to Edie and her mom that I've changed! Go time! [whoosh.]
[grunting.]
ROBERTA: The place is amazing.
It really is, and in a way, you've removed every trace - of Zorn except for Zorn, of course.
- Well, like I said, he only moved back here for Alan's sake.
Well, you're Alan's mother.
If you think it's important, - I trust you know best.
- Thank you.
Oh, hello there, sweet Grandmother.
I, uh, stripped my bedding and put on your special sheets.
The ones you brought from home for one night.
I wish I'd remember to bring my memory foam pillow.
Yours are always so hard.
Oh, well.
What's a little neck pain? CRAIG: Ladies and gentlemen, the gravy has been boated.
The S.
S.
Thanksgiving Dinner is about to set sail.
[mimics foghorn, chuckles.]
[mimics foghorn.]
Can I get you a glass of wine? - Sauvignon blanc? - Good memory, Alan.
[doorbell rings.]
Happy Thanksgiving! [chuckles.]
Aw, come on, we both knew I was coming.
[Craig mimics foghorn.]
Okay, I know what you're thinking.
"Zorn's here - to ruin Thanksgiving.
- Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
But, look, I'm a changed Zorn, okay? I'm wearing a turtleneck, and-and I made a pie.
Hey.
I was just listening through the door with this cup.
Shut up, Craig! No, I mean, shut up, Craig? Edie, he's Alan's father.
He's family.
And every year on this day, [music.]
families across America set aside their petty squabbles.
They share a bird, a side of stuffing - Craig - I'm not finished.
Now, if we can't come together as a family on Thanks-gosh-damn-giving, then I may as well pour gravy all over you and take a big bite out of your breast.
Because you're the turkey.
- Give me the stupid pie.
- Yeah.
Yes! I am through the door and smelling that turkey.
- Dad! - Mom, I'm so sorry.
- I didn't know he was coming.
- Hello, Roberta.
Look, I know we've had our problems, but I'd like to start over.
If you're uncomfortable though, - I will go.
- That's not necessary.
It is Thanksgiving.
Plus, the food's already dead.
It's not like he can re-kill it.
[laughs.]
[all laughing.]
You got me there, Roberta! I have killed a lot of stuff in my day, haven't I? [loud forced laughter.]
Yeah.
[sighs.]
I like to laugh.
Yeah.
Not sure if you know that about me, Roberta.
You know, there's probably a lot you don't know about me.
'Cause I've changed so much.
CRAIG: So, Edie, did you tell your mom about the big event you just planned? EDIE: Oh, right, the 25th anniversary - of the Orange County Observatory.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Matt Lauer was there.
He walked the orange carpet, which is funny because it's Orange County.
- Zorn.
I hear you got a new job.
- I do.
Yeah.
But, hey, don't let the turtleneck fool you.
I'm actually a collar guy now.
- Yeah, a white collar guy.
- Oh, wonderful.
Now that you're working a normal job, you think it might be time to consider wearing pants? Well, technically they're not required.
And in many cultures, a furry panty is considered a pant.
Sounds like you don't know how to put 'em on.
[laughing.]
No, I, uh I know how to put on pants, Roberta.
I mean, sure, no, I mean, I didn't used to wear them, but now you know, just [sputters.]
all the time.
No, totally into pants.
Big pants guy.
Here I mean, here, let me, uh I'll-I'll show you.
[grunting.]
[rumbling.]
- Stop it, Zorn.
- Dad, stop it.
What? I'm trying to pull Craig's pants off to demonstrate.
- Inappropriate.
- Look, Zorn, all you had to do was ask.
I will give you my pants.
Sorry.
- Wh This is - Here.
ZORN: All right, here we go, here we go.
Putting the pants on.
'Cause I totally know how to put on pants.
Just got to stick my foot into [mutters.]
this little side hole thing.
Dad, that's the pocket.
You got to put it through the long tube I can do it myself! [grunting.]
Damn you! [grunting.]
Why are they so tight? ROBERTA: You know, it kind of makes sense.
If you spend all your time running around killing people and burning down villages, pants might not be a big priority, right? - Okay, you know something, Roberta? - No, do you know something, Zorn? About the new craft sodas I just bought? A cola that tastes like bubble gum.
That's something you have to see to believe, come on.
[grunting.]
CRAIG: Look, Zorn, I don't need you to see my soda collection.
[chuckles.]
Although I would like for you to see it at some point.
- But it's in the garage.
- I'd like to bury Roberta in the garage.
Look, I know how tough Roberta can be.
Which is why I developed a method for dealing with people like her.
Whenever Roberta says something mean, just try agreeing with it.
You'll catch her off guard, and she may even say something nice.
- Yeah, I don't really - Let's role-play, all right? I'll be Roberta.
"Zorn, you smell bad.
" [grunts.]
[gasps.]
Okay, Zorn, I'm just being Roberta.
Okay, maybe this whole agreeing method is just too hard.
No, I agree.
It is too hard for me.
Okay, now I can't tell if you get it or if it's too hard.
I agree that you can't tell.
[chuckles.]
Grandma Likes to play in the sand-mah Now imagine that with a backing track - and some real funky percussive bass.
- Uh-huh.
That's only the kind of thing you could learn in a really good music program.
[chuckles.]
Well, that didn't take too long.
Uh, yeah, sorry.
I was just, uh.
learning about Craig's bubblegum sodas.
Fascinating, fascinating stuff.
ROBERTA: Well, that's impressive.
I know how hard it is for Zephyrians to learn things.
Um Well, us barbarians do have difficulties learning, that is true.
I mean, is it because in Zephyria learning is considered a sex crime? Maybe.
Maybe it is.
I mean, who's to say, you know? But the main thing is I agree.
Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.
- Bit long-winded, but - I agree! Speaking of Zephyria, Zorn, recently I saw a fantastic documentary online.
There's a doc about Zephyria? NARRATOR: Zephyria, a land made desolate by war, a landscape ravaged by laser beam holes and acid-slime craters.
[whispering.]
: Sounds nice.
But amidst the chaos, there remains one true defender of Zephyria Vulchazor.
What? He's not the defender! NARRATOR: Despite what you might have heard about Vulchazor, I recently visited his lair in Zephyria, - and I saw a softer side of him.
- ZORN: Ugh, come on.
Vulchazor collects old Jazz records.
ZORN: What? Nickelback is jazz now? NARRATOR: And he's more comfortable in his garden - than on the battlefield.
- Oh, boy.
This is NARRATOR: But no matter how peacefully this noble, bird-headed man tries to lead his life, he is hounded by his archnemesis, the war criminal, - Zorn.
- ZORN: What?! [gasping.]
Lies! All of it.
- Lies.
- Zorn! I grew up in front of that thing.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it Dang.
Okay, look.
If you believe this propaganda, then, Roberta, you are as empty-headed as that glombeast I stabbed the brains out of.
ROBERTA: You see? You see there? He's gone full barbarian on me.
Mom, I'm so sorry.
Zorn is leaving.
And we can go back to the table and finish dinner.
- I don't think I have an appetite.
- What? This is crazy? - I'll be in my room.
- How can someone ever say Vulchazor is the good guy? Even his name sounds evil.
[evily voice.]
"Vulchazor.
" Not like, you know, Zorn! See? [door slams.]
"Vulchazor", Zorn.
Can you hear the difference? "Vulchazor", Zorn! Your mother basically called me a war criminal.
If there's one time you can't be a criminal, it is during war.
- That is a fact.
- God, I should have never let you in the house.
All I wanted today, was for my mom to see that after all the mistakes I've made, - my life is finally in a good place.
- Thanks a lot, Dad.
I was this close to music school.
Okay, okay, okay, look, look, look, none of this was my fault, like, at all, but I'll be the bigger man and apologize.
Happy? Roberta, look, I'm, uh, I'm really sorry about what happened, and I brought you some smorkleberry pie.
All right, let's drop this act, you little son of a bitch.
You ruined my daughter's life.
She had everything going for her until you came along and dragged her by the hair into some cave.
I dragged her by her jean jacket, and she liked it.
You're a poison to this family.
[thud.]
Okay, fine.
You hate me, I hate you, but can't we just pretend to get along for one meal? [clatter.]
Please? [thud.]
Okay, I'm coming in! [dramatic music.]
Wait a minute, hold on a second.
"If the berry's yellow, you're not okay, fellow.
" Well, shoot! That's just confusing.
Oh, my God, what am I gonna do? "Edie, I killed your mom.
" No, no, no, no, no.
Can't say it like that.
"Hey, Edie.
Could I get the number for your masseuse?" Why is that weird? Well, then I won't schedule her on the same day as you, okay? You know what? I'm getting the feeling that this isn't about a scheduling conflict.
Yeah.
No, uh, no, I'm starting to think that maybe you complain to her about me while you're getting massages.
Well, don't you think she'd want to meet me after hearing so much about me? No.
If it's that big of a deal, never mind.
God! Also, I killed your mom.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's the way to go.
[scratching.]
Stupid, itchy Wait, wait, wait.
[phone beeps.]
[thud.]
[phone ringing.]
Zorn, I'm with a p [screams.]
Huh.
Never mind.
What can I do you for? Yeah, uh, is there some way to undo poisoning someone with smorkleberries? Does a Grithian herdsman have nine anuses? [laughs.]
I'm asking because I'm treating this Grithian herdsman and I'm not sure he has the right number.
I can't believe that I thought for one second Zorn had changed.
Well, to be fair, don't you think that Roberta was pushing Zorn's buttons a little bit? - Do you think that? - No.
[sighs.]
Let me go look for that microbead pillow.
Psst.
[birdcalling.]
[whispers.]
Hey.
[hushed whistling.]
Over here.
[scraping dishes.]
Dad, what is it? What do you Oh, my God, you killed Grandma! ZORN: I didn't kill her Uh, no, actually, I did.
But, know what? It's cool, 'cause I can bring her back.
From the dead? Are you kidding? What? Are you just gonna brew a magic potion? Oh, you spoke to Klorpins already.
Great.
Okay, that saves me a lot of explaining.
But I'm gonna need your help, okay? I need you to gather these ingredients.
"Three sprigs of eucalyptus.
A bone of beast"? What is this crap? I'm not gonna How am I gonna find this? That sounds like an Alangulon problem to me.
The dishes in the sink get scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed - # Scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed # - ALAN: Bone of beast.
Scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed - # The dishes in the sink.
# - Hey.
Ha.
I love that song.
- Did I tell you that? - Oh, thank you so much.
I wish I could take credit for it, but it's been in my family for generations.
- Hmm.
- What are you hiding behind your back? - Nothing.
[laughs.]
- Really? Because the wishbone was drying over here a second ago.
- [clears throat.]
Uh - Alan, look, I can't let you be alone with it until the official breaking.
Uh, Craig, come on.
I need it.
- Can you just give it to me? - No, Alan.
Please, I want to wish that my dad's cancer will go away.
Craig, give it.
Just, Craig, I need it.
[grunts.]
- [groaning.]
Oh.
- Oh.
Alan, what the hell is going on here? [door opens.]
- Okay, I got all the stuff you needed - ZORN: Oh, Alangulon.
- Look, I solved it.
- Oh! [gasping.]
ZORN: Hey! What's he doing here? I filled Craig in on everything, all right? - He's here to help.
- CRAIG: I'd really like to help you bring her back from the dead.
Too many of my patients have killed themselves.
[chorus singing.]
[music.]
[liquid pouring.]
- Nothing.
- ZORN: Why isn't it working? I did everything Klorpins said to.
- Zorn, I'm with a - Yeah, Doc, look, I followed your potion to the T, and the old girl is still dead.
Did you kiss her yet? You always have to kiss people back from the dead.
You don't have to be a cave doctor to know that.
Ugh! Gross.
Alan, kiss your grandmother.
I can't commit incest.
Well I mean, I guess she's not my mother-in-law yet, so it's not weird, right? [chuckles.]
Yeah, it's weird.
- Uh, nope.
More tongue.
- Are you serious?! Also, you have to do that thing where you suck on her bottom lip real sexy.
Ugh.
Gross.
Ah.
Uh, tilt me down a little.
Yeah, yeah.
Gross.
[gasps.]
Oh, she's coming back! It's working! [door opens, Edie gasps.]
Craig! Are you kissing my mom?! Edie, it's not what you think.
Zorn killed your mom, and I'm bringing her back to life.
- What?! - Nice, Craig.
- EDIE: Zorn, you killed my mom! - And brought her back to life.
- You keep leaving that part out.
- She was right about you all along.
I should have never let you back into our lives! - Mom! - Come on, Edie.
ZORN: No, no, hey.
She's right.
It was all me.
I mean, all I wanted was to spend Thanksgiving with you guys, but I've obviously ruined everything.
I-I thought I'd changed, but then I show up and I kill an elderly lady.
So, I, uh I'm sorry.
You guys can keep the pie, but, you know, probably don't want to eat it.
Maybe you can have some, though, Craig.
[door opens.]
[door closes.]
ROBERTA: So, I was dead for 40 minutes? Yeah.
Crazy, right? Really makes you think about life and, like, following your dreams and stuff.
Which for me, personally, it's attending - a summer music program.
- Alan, I'm not an idiot.
I know that you have been working me all day to get me to pay for that music program.
- Me? No, I haven't been - I'll do it.
That's great! Oh, my Grandma, that's so cool The only thing I ask in return is that - you never speak to Zorn again.
- What? - Mom what are you doing? - Uh, Edie, um Alan, can you excuse us, please? Hey, Alan, you can help me clean the brine bucket.
Okay, yeah, mm-hmm.
Mom, Zorn is his father.
Alan loves him.
You can't ask that of someone.
How many more lives does Zorn get to ruin? He is a poison.
I am the only one fighting to save this family from a poison.
- That's all I'm trying to do.
- So you were pushing his buttons.
[stammers.]
I was looking out for you.
You know, when you said you were coming to visit, I thought finally, finally, you might look at my life and, I don't know, be proud of me.
Oh, [chuckles.]
: Edie you've always been such a needy child.
You know, Mom, Zorn is not the poison here.
Well if you're gonna choose that barbarian over your own mother, maybe I should leave.
I guess maybe you should.
FEMALE NARRATOR: But no matter how peacefully this noble bird-headed man tries to lead his life Three-quarters of this is lies! But damn it if it's not well done.
[knocking.]
- So, she just took off? - It was hard.
Really hard.
But the thing is, she's always been this way.
- I just didn't see it until now.
- I guess you were right - people never really change.
- No.
Sometimes they do.
Wow.
I should've killed your mom years ago.
See? That's what Thanksgiving is all about.
Family.
Mending old relationships, making new ones.
[chuckles.]
Aw, [bleep.]
you, son of a [bleeping.]
, Craig.
[laughs.]
Zorn.
[music.]
[grumbles.]
[whooshing exhale.]