Space Force (2020) s01e07 Episode Script
Edison Jaymes
1
[ROCKET ENGINE WHOOSHING.]
[SOLDIERS SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING, DINGING.]
POTUS is still mad about the whole India thing.
So, as punishment, he wants us to partner with private industry.
Specifically, he wants us to use this tech guru's new fuel in the lunar satellite launch.
Not her.
Ed Edison Jaymes? Are you kidding me? No.
She's gonna be here in a few minutes to inspect the base and make sure that we are worthy of her product.
I read about that.
It's supposedly half as heavy as normal fuel, and no pollutants.
I mean, that would be a game changer.
God, I am so sick of people fawning over these young tech moguls.
The government is plenty innovative.
Did you know that the US Postal Service issues a new Christmas stamp every Christmas and has done so for the past 200 years? Mark, I don't think the Postal Service still exists.
- Well, I think they do.
- No.
Where do you think our funding came from? Hmm.
She's late.
She's too rich to be late.
Rich people are such babies.
[MARK.]
There she is.
Well, jeans and $100,000 worth of diamonds.
That's a good look.
It's a confusing look.
I don't know whether she's going to Cinderella's ball or a pig roast.
Fuck.
Fuck me.
[MARK.]
You bite the inside of your mouth? I've done that.
No.
That's Hannah Howard.
We came up in the PR world together.
She single-handedly orchestrated my dismissal from American Apparel by leaking my text messages.
She is by far the worst person I have ever met in my entire life.
Hannah! Oh, my God, I'm coming down.
You look amazing! [MALLORY.]
Ms.
Jaymes? Here he is.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nice to meet you.
- General Naird.
- Welcome to Space - Ah-ah.
- [CAMERA CLICKS.]
Good to tweet? - Yes, with the usual adjustments.
- Of course.
When POTUS called me and asked me to help you guys out, I was stoked.
I was stoked as well.
And amped.
Yeah.
Not just for our country, but my rocket fuel needs customers.
And you'll have to forgive me if I sound like a woman on a mission, but I am one.
You see, my fuel makes your rocket burn more cleanly.
Well done.
Oh, please.
[FRED ON PHONE.]
Have you made any new friends yet? No, Grandpa.
I still have my old friends in DC.
No, you don't.
People move on fast at your age.
I can't name one friend I had in high school.
Oh, I'm guessing there was an Al.
- There were a lot of Als back then.
- [GRUNTING.]
Most of them died during the war, though.
[MOANING.]
That's why there's no more Als.
Cool.
[FRED.]
Hey, put your mom on.
My phone's at one percent, and Mom's in prison.
Oh, my gosh.
Darling, you've got to keep your phone char Great.
Nice.
Very very nice.
[EXHALES.]
Ooh.
Fancy.
- [KNOCKING.]
- Ah! License and registration, miss! - [LAUGHS.]
- Jesus Christ! Duncan, you scared the shit out of me! Oh, I'm sorry.
- Should I get rags or paper towels? - Oh, no.
- My mom hates wasting paper towels - Oh, no, no.
but folks don't sell rags in Colorado Oh, just move.
Move, move, move! Just go.
Go, go, go! This is a sample of the treatment I recently developed for methicillin-resistant pathogens in space.
Bleh.
God, that thing.
Six months and a bunch of rats over budget.
At the biotech arm of Edison Jaymes, it would have taken us half the time and a quarter of the rats.
Well, always said we spend way too much money on the rats.
Well, it didn't take that long.
I did invent a medicine, after all.
Thank you for signing these NDAs.
Standard procedure.
Thank you for signing these NDAs.
You get it.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what an NDA is, don't you, Scarapiducci? So cute.
You know what? Ours don't even need to be signed.
- You sign them just by being here.
- Hmm.
Never heard of that.
What you don't know about this place could fill a giant underground silo that you don't even know exists.
Mm.
Is that where they keep your office? No.
Hey! I heard you know some shit about plants.
Hmm.
Let's see.
I'm an astrobotanist with an advanced degree in cross-pollination and dry terrain root systems.
What does that mean? I know some shit about plants.
Sorry.
Who are you? I'm Captain Angela Ali.
I wanna learn astrobotany.
For fun.
Well, I'm not a science tutor.
Well, I'll pay you 50 bucks an hour.
I could do every day from noon to one.
Great.
Meet me here.
Please be organized, be prepped, and be early.
I really don't wanna pay for, like, "Hi, how are you, weather" bullshit.
Cool! I haven't started, and I already wanna quit.
So glad I made this choice.
Yeah.
Me too.
[CONTROLLED EXHALE.]
[EDISON.]
Wow.
Which one of these awards means the most to you? Bronze Star.
I was shot down over Bosnia, survived on worms for six days.
Oh, I did that.
- On an episode of "Bear Grylls".
- Oh.
Yeah.
Very keto.
Okay.
I used a sponge to collect rainwater and store it in plastic bags.
Where did you get a sponge and plastic bags? Piddle pack.
Pilots use them to relieve themselves.
Sexually.
[SIGHS.]
Mmm, no, no.
Like going to the bathroom.
Oh, my God.
General Mark Naird, do you know what you are? No, no, no, no.
I am not a deviant.
I didn't pee on the sponge and then use that same sponge to collect rainwater.
- That's not my thing.
- Right.
No.
No.
You are an innovator! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, okay.
- You are.
- Yeah.
- Well - Think about it.
That was very "MacGyver".
If that's not innovation, then I don't even know what is.
I wouldn't really call it innovation.
It was just something that I did.
It was just using the tools - that I had at my disposal.
- Come on.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I have an idea, from time to time.
- I had a feeling.
- I am not a tech whiz like you, but I think of some things.
- Tell me.
Tell me! - No.
No, they're silly.
I wanna hear.
Okay.
So you know how people shake hands all over the world? - Mm-hmm.
- It's a universal thing.
It is a sign of respect, decency.
Yeah.
It's a normal human handshake.
Exactly.
So imagine a device, like a mannequin, with a shakable arm.
And you put one in Times Square.
You put on in Tiananmen Square.
It's all linked up technologically.
You've got video screens.
You can shake the hand of someone in China.
It's brilliant.
- Bringing strangers together.
- That's exactly right! - Mm-hmm.
- That's what I've been saying! - I love it.
- Shaking hands across the world.
Will that be its name? Yes.
It's good.
So And inside the booth, there's an attendant.
That precludes any sort of sexual shenanigans going on.
Mmm.
And you don't have to tip the attendant because it's part of the cost of admission.
It's all covered.
Okay.
It sounds silly when you just say it to people, but it's No! No, it does not.
Mark, this is your vision.
I don't want you to shame it.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- You believe in it, and you will change the world.
Well Oh.
Wow.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
We need to get our stories straight.
The guy who spilled the soft serve was a rich white guy in a "Where's Waldo" T-shirt.
See? That's so specific, people will buy it.
I don't know.
I can't picture it.
You can't picture people believing it? No, I can't picture what you're describing.
I don't have that ability.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
Ronald McDonald on a surfboard.
What do you see? Nothing.
It's just like staring at a blank page.
Oh, my God.
You have no imagination.
That's That's adorable.
Hey, it's a real condition.
- Aphantasia.
- Oh.
Yes.
Well, way to sell yourself.
So, what are your strengths? Oh, that is one of my strengths.
I can stare at a cereal box.
That's like watching HBO to me.
I can't wait to talk to you about the nuts and bolts of your fuel, the actual chemistry.
Patience, Dr.
Mallory.
I'm about to answer all of your questions.
In fact, may I invite you to a little barbecue? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
Your phone.
- No, thank you.
You have to put it in the secure case, which will open again after the demo is over.
No phones is part of the NDA you signed.
Yeah, no, I don't think I'll be doing that, because the last time I handed you my phone, I wasn't allowed within 300 feet of my own fucking office.
Are you still holding a grudge? Don't be petulant, Anthony.
"Don't be petulant, Anthony".
You're a goblin.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- What? What are you doing? - The ankle.
- The holster on your ankle - This is so - that you hand-stitched yourself.
- This is stupid.
You are pathetic.
Jesus Christ.
For generations, chemists have looked to the stars and asked a question: Can a fuel be created that consumes its own exhaust? Those chemists were men, and the answer was no.
And then I came along.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Skinny Fuel a rosé colored rocket fuel cheaper, lighter, and cleaner than any fuel ever created.
I can't help but be impressed.
- Thank you.
- But it's just that NASA astrochemists have been trying to concoct a solution with the same end result for years, so, what is the molecular structure, and how did you arrive at it? Excellent.
Thank you.
Edison Jaymes is a publicly traded company, and it would be unfair to our stockholders to share proprietary information.
However I can demonstrate for you.
- This - [BBQ IGNITES.]
regular Kingsford lighter fuel.
And this is Skinny Fuel.
[CROWD GASPS, MURMURS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you.
So, why won't she be open about the chemistry? That seems really sketchy.
You're not jealous, are you? Just because she answered the question no male scientist could? Excuse me, Mark, I'm on the board of Cincinnati Women in STEM.
This is about the science.
I think she covered it with her presentation.
No, she told us nothing.
She doesn't even need the fuel to work.
She can fundraise off the mere fact of having gotten her fuel into a rocket, and then she can always blame us if it all goes sideways.
This is classic.
As soon as somebody thinks that I am smart, you decide that they are dumb.
What did you discuss in here, exactly? Noth We just exchanged some ideas, I offered some of mine.
Such as what? The six-day workweek? The pear-grape hybrid? Did you discuss with her your idea for a handshaking machine, which I swear to you, people will only use to jerk off into? I added an attendant after your feedback, Adrian.
[LAUGHING.]
Look, I am the one who is in charge here.
We're going with the Skinny Fuel.
That's final.
Damn it.
- Adrian.
Adrian! Wait.
- What? Are we still going tie shopping later at Walmart? My conjugal visit is next week.
No.
You have great ideas.
You go.
And anyway, they have fantastic fashion consultants.
They're the ones wearing the red vests.
[MARK.]
You dick.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No, no, no.
Just a heated discussion with a colleague.
Well, I do know a little bit about fashion, if you'd like another opinion.
Hmm.
Dude, you're late.
I texted you.
Okay, I want a discount on my hour.
Jesus, for someone who's trying to study botany for fun, you're taking your shit really seriously.
Okay, fine.
It's for the AAT.
I wanna be an astronaut.
You wanna be an astronaut? Yeah, what? You think I can't fly a spaceship? No, I didn't say that.
Go fly a spaceship.
I'm sure you'd be a real calming presence up there.
The others will love being trapped in a tiny capsule with you in the vacuum of space.
Just Could we study plants, please? [ANGELA SIGHS.]
This is my new fashion website.
"Shrt".
[MARK.]
Mmm.
You got a little typo.
Might wanna fix that before you roll this thing out.
[CHUCKLES.]
This was a team effort.
And there is no "I" in "shirt".
[MARK.]
Ah.
Okay.
So you answered your survey, the six questions? - Uh, yeah.
- Okay.
Let's see what the algorithm says you should wear.
- Algorithm.
That's crazy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[DINGS.]
- [EDISON GASPS.]
- [MARK.]
Okay, well Huh.
Ah Huh.
I've never worn anything that purposely showed off my ankles before.
Don't you love it, though? Nah no, I don't, actually.
- It looks kind of goofy.
- Goofy? Not me.
It's just not me.
Mark, you need to believe in yourself.
Your ankles look beautiful.
- You look amazing.
- [MARK CHUCKLES.]
Your wife is going to love this.
- Oh, really? - Mmm.
Okay.
Okay.
You know what? You may be the publicist to a major celebrity, but I am the publicist to man's search for something grander, something that transcends this world.
Fuck you.
I'm so jealous.
I'm so jealous.
What are they even doing in there? It's a new venture.
Blue Apron meets Bonobos.
The algorithm tells you it loves your pants regardless of how fat your ass looks.
She's doing that, and she has a rocket fuel? Uh, yeah.
Skinny Fuel is like one of 100 projects she's developing.
'Cause if one thing works, nobody remembers the failures.
What do you mean, "if" one thing works? I mean, "when".
Hannah, does the rocket fuel work? Yeah.
Hannah.
Botany's actually, like, pretty self-explanatory.
"Chloroplast and Epidural Stomata".
Yeah, these words just define themselves.
- Right? - [SIGHS.]
Do you not know Latin? Okay, just teach me like I'm a child who knows nothing, but also, don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
Okay, that's gonna be a little bit of a high-wire act.
And can we pick up the pace, please? It's been 20 minutes, and I have learned, like, literally nothing.
Okay, you gotta calm down.
If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way.
Okay? I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat.
Oh, cool! Yeah, yeah, let's all kick back.
Just get a bite to eat.
Why don't we just order in and watch "Frasier"? I have shit to do, bro.
Do you see this? Okay, "bro".
Nice talking to you for the second time in my life.
Okay, hey.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
I'm just [SIGHS.]
God, saying you want to be an astronaut after age, like, eight, feels very silly.
I just really need you to take me seriously.
I do take you seriously.
I mean, maybe not as serious as you take yourself, but that's off the charts.
Yeah.
If you're gonna get a snack, I will take a Rocket Pie.
Peanut butter or banana, please.
- What if they have both? - Ooh.
Good question.
Peanu nana butter-peanut-nana-banana.
No, coconut or lime.
Well, if you die in space, it'll be from murder.
Mmm.
You excited? Sure am.
But how are you feeling, Mark? Are you excited? About the launch? You are going to love it.
Am I? [KNOCKING.]
- Oh, my God.
What is he doing? - It's me! Can I talk to you? Let's not incinerate my media manager.
I'll be right back.
Okay, General, I never get involved in whether people are telling the truth or lying.
I mean, those words carry very little meaning to me, but something one of Edison's people said, it's got me worried.
What was that? "Yeah".
Sorry, guess it was more how she said it.
I asked, "Does the rocket fuel work?" Then she said, "Yeah".
I'm butchering it.
She said it like this.
She said it like this.
"Yeah".
Fuck.
She said, "Yeah".
It doesn't matter.
As a publicist, I never reveal my sources, but it was Hannah.
Hmm.
Dr.
Mallory, come with me.
And, Tony, nicely done.
Fuck you, American Apparel.
What's going on? It's a simple scientific formula.
When a guy as full of BS as Tony calls BS on someone else, that is BS squared.
I wouldn't call it a scientific formula, but, okay.
Our first crime together.
May there be many more.
So, uh What what have you been reading lately? Excuse me? Nothing.
Nothing.
Just that, uh, that Denver airport sure is crazy, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Duncan, have you been reading to impress me? [DUNCAN.]
No.
No.
But if I had, would you be impressed? I very much might.
So that, uh Denver airport.
Well, I read it was two billion dollars over budget.
Ooh, I was not aware.
Yeah.
And many believe that the money was used to build underground meeting rooms for those who control the world economy.
The Illuminati.
Wait.
What are you reading? Websites.
Oh.
Uh Uh, did you know that the queen of England The queen of England is the largest drug pusher in the world? No, seriously.
And she killed Jeffrey Epstein with her bare hands.
And she leaves one of her fingernails real long and has poison on the tip.
Wow.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
Okay, so far, so good.
Fingers crossed.
Don't worry.
I adjusted the fuel ratios.
Off the books.
I hope that's all right.
Well, how much Skinny Fuel did you end up using? Uh Zero.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, thank you.
[EXHALES.]
It's completely off the books? One hundred percent.
[MAN.]
Booster separation complete.
If there's ever anything I can do for you Actually, you can call POTUS.
And you can tell him that we're doing just fine.
We don't need any outside help from the private sector.
- Something like that.
- You got it.
Okay.
[EDISON EXHALING.]
- [MARK.]
It's beautiful, isn't it? - Mm.
It's not running on Kingsford.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Cute.
Congratulations, Ms.
Jaymes.
Today you appeared to have a very successful launch with your fuel.
Thank you.
Um, don't take this the wrong way, but you could use some mouthwash.
Ah, well, perhaps the breath refreshment sector is where you should redirect your efforts.
That feels a bit more feasible for you.
Hmm.
If you ever get big and powerful one day, come see me.
I might have an extremely low-level position for you.
Or maybe one day you'll be big and powerful enough - for me to take you seriously.
- Maybe we'll both be big and powerful.
Maybe we will.
Fuck! - All right, so take - [DOOR SLAMS.]
[EDISON.]
Why does my car smell like baby vomit? So what do you make of this one? Oh.
It's brown.
Brown doesn't go with anything.
Oh, there are things that go with brown, I'm sure.
Oh.
Thank God I have you.
That's a very nice thing to say.
- Oh, I like that.
- That one? Pretty.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Yeah? The Prospector Satellite is now in orbit around the moon.
Good! Is the camera transmitting yet? Yes, sir.
Uh, we have our first images.
Very good.
Oh, excellent.
Oh, that's a beautiful shot.
[CHAN.]
You might enjoy scrolling through these quickly.
[MARK.]
What is that? Oh We're not 100% sure what that is yet.
The Chinese flag.
[CHAN.]
What? - Oh.
- What? - Did Did you - Oh! Wow! Look at that! I had no idea they were that far along.
- That's something.
- Huh.
Oh, good for them! That's great.
Got a [LAUGHING.]
Oh, I am happy for them.
They really are there.
Look at that.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, shit! Those Chinese bastards did it.
They did it! Ha! That is rich.
[CHORTLES.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SOLDIERS SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING, DINGING.]
POTUS is still mad about the whole India thing.
So, as punishment, he wants us to partner with private industry.
Specifically, he wants us to use this tech guru's new fuel in the lunar satellite launch.
Not her.
Ed Edison Jaymes? Are you kidding me? No.
She's gonna be here in a few minutes to inspect the base and make sure that we are worthy of her product.
I read about that.
It's supposedly half as heavy as normal fuel, and no pollutants.
I mean, that would be a game changer.
God, I am so sick of people fawning over these young tech moguls.
The government is plenty innovative.
Did you know that the US Postal Service issues a new Christmas stamp every Christmas and has done so for the past 200 years? Mark, I don't think the Postal Service still exists.
- Well, I think they do.
- No.
Where do you think our funding came from? Hmm.
She's late.
She's too rich to be late.
Rich people are such babies.
[MARK.]
There she is.
Well, jeans and $100,000 worth of diamonds.
That's a good look.
It's a confusing look.
I don't know whether she's going to Cinderella's ball or a pig roast.
Fuck.
Fuck me.
[MARK.]
You bite the inside of your mouth? I've done that.
No.
That's Hannah Howard.
We came up in the PR world together.
She single-handedly orchestrated my dismissal from American Apparel by leaking my text messages.
She is by far the worst person I have ever met in my entire life.
Hannah! Oh, my God, I'm coming down.
You look amazing! [MALLORY.]
Ms.
Jaymes? Here he is.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nice to meet you.
- General Naird.
- Welcome to Space - Ah-ah.
- [CAMERA CLICKS.]
Good to tweet? - Yes, with the usual adjustments.
- Of course.
When POTUS called me and asked me to help you guys out, I was stoked.
I was stoked as well.
And amped.
Yeah.
Not just for our country, but my rocket fuel needs customers.
And you'll have to forgive me if I sound like a woman on a mission, but I am one.
You see, my fuel makes your rocket burn more cleanly.
Well done.
Oh, please.
[FRED ON PHONE.]
Have you made any new friends yet? No, Grandpa.
I still have my old friends in DC.
No, you don't.
People move on fast at your age.
I can't name one friend I had in high school.
Oh, I'm guessing there was an Al.
- There were a lot of Als back then.
- [GRUNTING.]
Most of them died during the war, though.
[MOANING.]
That's why there's no more Als.
Cool.
[FRED.]
Hey, put your mom on.
My phone's at one percent, and Mom's in prison.
Oh, my gosh.
Darling, you've got to keep your phone char Great.
Nice.
Very very nice.
[EXHALES.]
Ooh.
Fancy.
- [KNOCKING.]
- Ah! License and registration, miss! - [LAUGHS.]
- Jesus Christ! Duncan, you scared the shit out of me! Oh, I'm sorry.
- Should I get rags or paper towels? - Oh, no.
- My mom hates wasting paper towels - Oh, no, no.
but folks don't sell rags in Colorado Oh, just move.
Move, move, move! Just go.
Go, go, go! This is a sample of the treatment I recently developed for methicillin-resistant pathogens in space.
Bleh.
God, that thing.
Six months and a bunch of rats over budget.
At the biotech arm of Edison Jaymes, it would have taken us half the time and a quarter of the rats.
Well, always said we spend way too much money on the rats.
Well, it didn't take that long.
I did invent a medicine, after all.
Thank you for signing these NDAs.
Standard procedure.
Thank you for signing these NDAs.
You get it.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what an NDA is, don't you, Scarapiducci? So cute.
You know what? Ours don't even need to be signed.
- You sign them just by being here.
- Hmm.
Never heard of that.
What you don't know about this place could fill a giant underground silo that you don't even know exists.
Mm.
Is that where they keep your office? No.
Hey! I heard you know some shit about plants.
Hmm.
Let's see.
I'm an astrobotanist with an advanced degree in cross-pollination and dry terrain root systems.
What does that mean? I know some shit about plants.
Sorry.
Who are you? I'm Captain Angela Ali.
I wanna learn astrobotany.
For fun.
Well, I'm not a science tutor.
Well, I'll pay you 50 bucks an hour.
I could do every day from noon to one.
Great.
Meet me here.
Please be organized, be prepped, and be early.
I really don't wanna pay for, like, "Hi, how are you, weather" bullshit.
Cool! I haven't started, and I already wanna quit.
So glad I made this choice.
Yeah.
Me too.
[CONTROLLED EXHALE.]
[EDISON.]
Wow.
Which one of these awards means the most to you? Bronze Star.
I was shot down over Bosnia, survived on worms for six days.
Oh, I did that.
- On an episode of "Bear Grylls".
- Oh.
Yeah.
Very keto.
Okay.
I used a sponge to collect rainwater and store it in plastic bags.
Where did you get a sponge and plastic bags? Piddle pack.
Pilots use them to relieve themselves.
Sexually.
[SIGHS.]
Mmm, no, no.
Like going to the bathroom.
Oh, my God.
General Mark Naird, do you know what you are? No, no, no, no.
I am not a deviant.
I didn't pee on the sponge and then use that same sponge to collect rainwater.
- That's not my thing.
- Right.
No.
No.
You are an innovator! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, okay.
- You are.
- Yeah.
- Well - Think about it.
That was very "MacGyver".
If that's not innovation, then I don't even know what is.
I wouldn't really call it innovation.
It was just something that I did.
It was just using the tools - that I had at my disposal.
- Come on.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I have an idea, from time to time.
- I had a feeling.
- I am not a tech whiz like you, but I think of some things.
- Tell me.
Tell me! - No.
No, they're silly.
I wanna hear.
Okay.
So you know how people shake hands all over the world? - Mm-hmm.
- It's a universal thing.
It is a sign of respect, decency.
Yeah.
It's a normal human handshake.
Exactly.
So imagine a device, like a mannequin, with a shakable arm.
And you put one in Times Square.
You put on in Tiananmen Square.
It's all linked up technologically.
You've got video screens.
You can shake the hand of someone in China.
It's brilliant.
- Bringing strangers together.
- That's exactly right! - Mm-hmm.
- That's what I've been saying! - I love it.
- Shaking hands across the world.
Will that be its name? Yes.
It's good.
So And inside the booth, there's an attendant.
That precludes any sort of sexual shenanigans going on.
Mmm.
And you don't have to tip the attendant because it's part of the cost of admission.
It's all covered.
Okay.
It sounds silly when you just say it to people, but it's No! No, it does not.
Mark, this is your vision.
I don't want you to shame it.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- You believe in it, and you will change the world.
Well Oh.
Wow.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
We need to get our stories straight.
The guy who spilled the soft serve was a rich white guy in a "Where's Waldo" T-shirt.
See? That's so specific, people will buy it.
I don't know.
I can't picture it.
You can't picture people believing it? No, I can't picture what you're describing.
I don't have that ability.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
Ronald McDonald on a surfboard.
What do you see? Nothing.
It's just like staring at a blank page.
Oh, my God.
You have no imagination.
That's That's adorable.
Hey, it's a real condition.
- Aphantasia.
- Oh.
Yes.
Well, way to sell yourself.
So, what are your strengths? Oh, that is one of my strengths.
I can stare at a cereal box.
That's like watching HBO to me.
I can't wait to talk to you about the nuts and bolts of your fuel, the actual chemistry.
Patience, Dr.
Mallory.
I'm about to answer all of your questions.
In fact, may I invite you to a little barbecue? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
Your phone.
- No, thank you.
You have to put it in the secure case, which will open again after the demo is over.
No phones is part of the NDA you signed.
Yeah, no, I don't think I'll be doing that, because the last time I handed you my phone, I wasn't allowed within 300 feet of my own fucking office.
Are you still holding a grudge? Don't be petulant, Anthony.
"Don't be petulant, Anthony".
You're a goblin.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- What? What are you doing? - The ankle.
- The holster on your ankle - This is so - that you hand-stitched yourself.
- This is stupid.
You are pathetic.
Jesus Christ.
For generations, chemists have looked to the stars and asked a question: Can a fuel be created that consumes its own exhaust? Those chemists were men, and the answer was no.
And then I came along.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Skinny Fuel a rosé colored rocket fuel cheaper, lighter, and cleaner than any fuel ever created.
I can't help but be impressed.
- Thank you.
- But it's just that NASA astrochemists have been trying to concoct a solution with the same end result for years, so, what is the molecular structure, and how did you arrive at it? Excellent.
Thank you.
Edison Jaymes is a publicly traded company, and it would be unfair to our stockholders to share proprietary information.
However I can demonstrate for you.
- This - [BBQ IGNITES.]
regular Kingsford lighter fuel.
And this is Skinny Fuel.
[CROWD GASPS, MURMURS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you.
So, why won't she be open about the chemistry? That seems really sketchy.
You're not jealous, are you? Just because she answered the question no male scientist could? Excuse me, Mark, I'm on the board of Cincinnati Women in STEM.
This is about the science.
I think she covered it with her presentation.
No, she told us nothing.
She doesn't even need the fuel to work.
She can fundraise off the mere fact of having gotten her fuel into a rocket, and then she can always blame us if it all goes sideways.
This is classic.
As soon as somebody thinks that I am smart, you decide that they are dumb.
What did you discuss in here, exactly? Noth We just exchanged some ideas, I offered some of mine.
Such as what? The six-day workweek? The pear-grape hybrid? Did you discuss with her your idea for a handshaking machine, which I swear to you, people will only use to jerk off into? I added an attendant after your feedback, Adrian.
[LAUGHING.]
Look, I am the one who is in charge here.
We're going with the Skinny Fuel.
That's final.
Damn it.
- Adrian.
Adrian! Wait.
- What? Are we still going tie shopping later at Walmart? My conjugal visit is next week.
No.
You have great ideas.
You go.
And anyway, they have fantastic fashion consultants.
They're the ones wearing the red vests.
[MARK.]
You dick.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No, no, no.
Just a heated discussion with a colleague.
Well, I do know a little bit about fashion, if you'd like another opinion.
Hmm.
Dude, you're late.
I texted you.
Okay, I want a discount on my hour.
Jesus, for someone who's trying to study botany for fun, you're taking your shit really seriously.
Okay, fine.
It's for the AAT.
I wanna be an astronaut.
You wanna be an astronaut? Yeah, what? You think I can't fly a spaceship? No, I didn't say that.
Go fly a spaceship.
I'm sure you'd be a real calming presence up there.
The others will love being trapped in a tiny capsule with you in the vacuum of space.
Just Could we study plants, please? [ANGELA SIGHS.]
This is my new fashion website.
"Shrt".
[MARK.]
Mmm.
You got a little typo.
Might wanna fix that before you roll this thing out.
[CHUCKLES.]
This was a team effort.
And there is no "I" in "shirt".
[MARK.]
Ah.
Okay.
So you answered your survey, the six questions? - Uh, yeah.
- Okay.
Let's see what the algorithm says you should wear.
- Algorithm.
That's crazy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[DINGS.]
- [EDISON GASPS.]
- [MARK.]
Okay, well Huh.
Ah Huh.
I've never worn anything that purposely showed off my ankles before.
Don't you love it, though? Nah no, I don't, actually.
- It looks kind of goofy.
- Goofy? Not me.
It's just not me.
Mark, you need to believe in yourself.
Your ankles look beautiful.
- You look amazing.
- [MARK CHUCKLES.]
Your wife is going to love this.
- Oh, really? - Mmm.
Okay.
Okay.
You know what? You may be the publicist to a major celebrity, but I am the publicist to man's search for something grander, something that transcends this world.
Fuck you.
I'm so jealous.
I'm so jealous.
What are they even doing in there? It's a new venture.
Blue Apron meets Bonobos.
The algorithm tells you it loves your pants regardless of how fat your ass looks.
She's doing that, and she has a rocket fuel? Uh, yeah.
Skinny Fuel is like one of 100 projects she's developing.
'Cause if one thing works, nobody remembers the failures.
What do you mean, "if" one thing works? I mean, "when".
Hannah, does the rocket fuel work? Yeah.
Hannah.
Botany's actually, like, pretty self-explanatory.
"Chloroplast and Epidural Stomata".
Yeah, these words just define themselves.
- Right? - [SIGHS.]
Do you not know Latin? Okay, just teach me like I'm a child who knows nothing, but also, don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
Okay, that's gonna be a little bit of a high-wire act.
And can we pick up the pace, please? It's been 20 minutes, and I have learned, like, literally nothing.
Okay, you gotta calm down.
If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way.
Okay? I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat.
Oh, cool! Yeah, yeah, let's all kick back.
Just get a bite to eat.
Why don't we just order in and watch "Frasier"? I have shit to do, bro.
Do you see this? Okay, "bro".
Nice talking to you for the second time in my life.
Okay, hey.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
I'm just [SIGHS.]
God, saying you want to be an astronaut after age, like, eight, feels very silly.
I just really need you to take me seriously.
I do take you seriously.
I mean, maybe not as serious as you take yourself, but that's off the charts.
Yeah.
If you're gonna get a snack, I will take a Rocket Pie.
Peanut butter or banana, please.
- What if they have both? - Ooh.
Good question.
Peanu nana butter-peanut-nana-banana.
No, coconut or lime.
Well, if you die in space, it'll be from murder.
Mmm.
You excited? Sure am.
But how are you feeling, Mark? Are you excited? About the launch? You are going to love it.
Am I? [KNOCKING.]
- Oh, my God.
What is he doing? - It's me! Can I talk to you? Let's not incinerate my media manager.
I'll be right back.
Okay, General, I never get involved in whether people are telling the truth or lying.
I mean, those words carry very little meaning to me, but something one of Edison's people said, it's got me worried.
What was that? "Yeah".
Sorry, guess it was more how she said it.
I asked, "Does the rocket fuel work?" Then she said, "Yeah".
I'm butchering it.
She said it like this.
She said it like this.
"Yeah".
Fuck.
She said, "Yeah".
It doesn't matter.
As a publicist, I never reveal my sources, but it was Hannah.
Hmm.
Dr.
Mallory, come with me.
And, Tony, nicely done.
Fuck you, American Apparel.
What's going on? It's a simple scientific formula.
When a guy as full of BS as Tony calls BS on someone else, that is BS squared.
I wouldn't call it a scientific formula, but, okay.
Our first crime together.
May there be many more.
So, uh What what have you been reading lately? Excuse me? Nothing.
Nothing.
Just that, uh, that Denver airport sure is crazy, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Duncan, have you been reading to impress me? [DUNCAN.]
No.
No.
But if I had, would you be impressed? I very much might.
So that, uh Denver airport.
Well, I read it was two billion dollars over budget.
Ooh, I was not aware.
Yeah.
And many believe that the money was used to build underground meeting rooms for those who control the world economy.
The Illuminati.
Wait.
What are you reading? Websites.
Oh.
Uh Uh, did you know that the queen of England The queen of England is the largest drug pusher in the world? No, seriously.
And she killed Jeffrey Epstein with her bare hands.
And she leaves one of her fingernails real long and has poison on the tip.
Wow.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
Okay, so far, so good.
Fingers crossed.
Don't worry.
I adjusted the fuel ratios.
Off the books.
I hope that's all right.
Well, how much Skinny Fuel did you end up using? Uh Zero.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, thank you.
[EXHALES.]
It's completely off the books? One hundred percent.
[MAN.]
Booster separation complete.
If there's ever anything I can do for you Actually, you can call POTUS.
And you can tell him that we're doing just fine.
We don't need any outside help from the private sector.
- Something like that.
- You got it.
Okay.
[EDISON EXHALING.]
- [MARK.]
It's beautiful, isn't it? - Mm.
It's not running on Kingsford.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Cute.
Congratulations, Ms.
Jaymes.
Today you appeared to have a very successful launch with your fuel.
Thank you.
Um, don't take this the wrong way, but you could use some mouthwash.
Ah, well, perhaps the breath refreshment sector is where you should redirect your efforts.
That feels a bit more feasible for you.
Hmm.
If you ever get big and powerful one day, come see me.
I might have an extremely low-level position for you.
Or maybe one day you'll be big and powerful enough - for me to take you seriously.
- Maybe we'll both be big and powerful.
Maybe we will.
Fuck! - All right, so take - [DOOR SLAMS.]
[EDISON.]
Why does my car smell like baby vomit? So what do you make of this one? Oh.
It's brown.
Brown doesn't go with anything.
Oh, there are things that go with brown, I'm sure.
Oh.
Thank God I have you.
That's a very nice thing to say.
- Oh, I like that.
- That one? Pretty.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Yeah? The Prospector Satellite is now in orbit around the moon.
Good! Is the camera transmitting yet? Yes, sir.
Uh, we have our first images.
Very good.
Oh, excellent.
Oh, that's a beautiful shot.
[CHAN.]
You might enjoy scrolling through these quickly.
[MARK.]
What is that? Oh We're not 100% sure what that is yet.
The Chinese flag.
[CHAN.]
What? - Oh.
- What? - Did Did you - Oh! Wow! Look at that! I had no idea they were that far along.
- That's something.
- Huh.
Oh, good for them! That's great.
Got a [LAUGHING.]
Oh, I am happy for them.
They really are there.
Look at that.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, shit! Those Chinese bastards did it.
They did it! Ha! That is rich.
[CHORTLES.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]