Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

1 - - - More matcha? - Ah, I'm good.
Thanks.
You're probably wondering why I summoned you here into the kitchen.
No, not really.
I was just a few feet away swapping out laundry, so As I'm sure you're aware, Milo's 8th birthday is upon us.
And I thought we might discuss the best ways to orchestrate the festivities based on our new system of boundaries.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
And what kind of orchestrating did you have in mind? Two parties one day of, one day after.
Two separate guest lists, two separate themes, no mixed messages.
Separate themes? [LAUGHS.]
Good luck.
I mean, the only thing Milo cares about is deep space.
False.
He has diverse interests.
He's teaching himself witchcraft.
Okay, wait.
Not only is it financially irresponsible to have two parties, it's plain, old unnecessary.
We get along.
Why do we have to pretend we don't? Well, Mae's school psychologist Look, we are more than capable of jointly hosting a birthday party.
- Well, it would be a lot simpler.
- Yeah.
And Milo isn't Mae.
He's still little.
He would want us both there.
- You had me at "isn't Mae.
" I'm in.
- Heck yeah, you're in! We're co-parents, right? Yeah.
Let us co-parent.
- I can't find Josh.
- Seriously? Did you look under your bed? You know he likes it there.
Bed.
Did did you look under the bed? Please file this missing-turtles report with the proper authorities.
- Martin? - Hm? - Have you seen Josh? - I didn't hear you.
I said have you seen Josh? Um Maybe he's - Maybe he ran away.
- Josh can't run.
Maybe he went away.
Maybe he just left.
Why would he do that? That's a good question, honey.
Oh, come on.
You both know Josh sought freedom.
It wasn't a secret.
You saw how depressed he was, how trapped he felt.
Now he's free.
I don't want him to be free.
That's why I kept him in a cage.
Hey, that turtle was not put on this Earth to be your prisoner.
- Are you having a stroke? - Sorry.
I don't trust you to file this paperwork.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
- [SIGHS, CHUCKLES.]
- LENA: Hmm.
Ah, the big 8, huh? Look at our boy.
- What you do to the turtle? - I let him go, okay? I released him.
No one even paid any attention to him.
Oh, okay.
So then are you gonna release Mason, as well? - Uh? - You know what? I'm gonna let this go.
But it's only because Josh smelled like hot kimchi and I never really understood his allure.
And besides, we have a party to plan.
- When I say "party," you say - [GROANS.]
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay So when do you find out if you're with child? I'll know at my next appointment if it took.
- So exciting! - [CHUCKLES.]
Which donor did you end up going with? 860A.
- He sounds great.
- Mm.
No history of mental illness.
And he's a Kumon teacher, so he's basically Mensa.
I hope it's a baby of color.
This family could really use some flavor.
- Mm.
- Mm.
So you think we got everyone? Oh, I almost forgot.
The woman responsible for my very great handwriting and guest of honor, Lisa Apple.
Honey, you're the guest of honor.
It's your birthday.
Maybe Lisa could be an alternate if one of the Jaspers drops out.
But I want her to be there.
Well, then say no more.
It's your birthday.
The lettered and bespectacled Lisa Apple will be in attendance.
Yay! - Yay! - Yay.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
MARTIN: Door's open.
Hey, I'm just on my way out.
What's up? Everything okay? Wow! Stop it.
- Stop what? - What's up, Bill Nye? Oh.
Yeah.
Well, it was a gift from Lisa.
She's been so fantastic with me and the kids, I feel the least I can do is wear it for her.
- Mm.
- Guess she wants a smart guy.
You never role-played with me.
Would you have wanted me to? Oh, that was a burn.
- Oh, sorry.
It took me a sec.
- Mm.
I guess I really shouldn't be wearing this.
Nope.
Here you go.
Oh.
Whoa.
Birthday invite for the guest of honor.
I see.
And you're okay with this? If Milo wants Lisa Apple at his party, then so do I.
And there's no anthrax in here? No.
Just a lot of glitter.
Which might be worse.
- Worse? - [HUSHED.]
Take it off.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
- - [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
MAYA: Hi.
Come on in.
- Are you expecting someone else? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
Just a colleague I invited.
Well, the turnout is great.
Both Jaspers are in attendance.
I know.
And they don't say yes to just any party.
Mm.
This is true.
And thank you for taking a lead on decorations.
Thank you for setting up the hydration station.
Well, I didn't have much of a choice, 'cause that's what you told me to do.
- Correct.
- [IMITATES RESPIRATOR HISSING.]
Ground control to Major Mom! [HISSING.]
Oh! Are you ground control? Because you look like the person who's in space.
- Did I mess that up? Shucks.
- Yeah, that's okay.
There's intelligent life on this planet.
Uh-oh.
This mission might be doomed.
I'm afraid the atmosphere is inhospitable.
She said she was okay with it.
- Lisa Apple! - [CHUCKLING.]
Hey! [MONOTONE VOICE.]
Take me to your leader.
Are you an alien? Yeah, are you an alien or an astronaut? Make up your mind, Lisa Apple! - Zorkul-sneedlium.
- Jerggil-knee-kilp! [CHUCKLES.]
[MONOTONE VOICE.]
Gabourey Sidibe.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Isn't that an actress? It can only be made-up words, Mommy.
- Mm.
- Show me your party.
- Okay! - Okay! LISA: Major Mom.
I just wanted to say thank you for having me today.
Oh, not a problem, Lisa.
I know you could've blocked it if you wanted to, - but you didn't.
- I did not.
The kid stuff can be tricky after a divorce.
Have you had kids or a divorce? I haven't, no.
Even my parents are still madly in love 40 years later.
- Can you believe it? - I cannot.
But you and Martin are pros.
- I mean, you guys make it seem easy.
- It's not easy.
But thank you.
Milo's a really special kid.
I'm just happy to be back in his life.
He is a special kid.
He also eats ChapStick.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Totally age-appropriate, - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- if you ask me.
- But I didn't.
Oh! Excuse me.
My colleague has arrived.
- [TRASH BAG THUDS.]
- Toby! - Toby.
Oh.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
I'm so glad you could be here.
- You live here? - I do.
Come in.
- Ah, yes.
Gracias, señorita.
- No problem.
- [LAUGHS.]
- None for me, thank you.
- You on medication? - What? No.
Then why aren't you drinking? Do I need a reason? When a booze-thusiast refuses booze at an 8-year-old's birthday party, yes, Maya, mm-hmm, yes, you do.
Okay, Camille, fine.
You win.
I am slightly pregnant.
- [GASPS.]
- Yes.
Yes.
I am pregnant.
I've been fertilized.
Maya! Oh, my gosh! - Oh, my God! - MAYA: I wanted to wait till the three-month mark, but, okay, what's one more curse on an otherwise high-risk pregnancy? - I'm gonna be a single mom.
- [CHEERS.]
Who cares? Time to open presents.
I'm proud of you, honey.
Way to get knocked up.
- Do you know the race yet? - We're gonna let that be a surprise.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, we're gonna have, like, a little niece or nephew.
- I know! - Or I will.
- You'll have a ex-niece or ex-nephew.
- Yeah.
Ex-Uncle Martin.
- I love babies.
- Mmm.
We were good at babies.
- Yeah, we were.
- Mm-hm.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- LENA: A toast to my - Milo.
incredible sister, Maya, for taking matters into her own hands.
- Mazel! [LAUGHS.]
- [ALL CHEER.]
Cut this guy off.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey.
Where's the birthday boy? In his room, cursing up a storm.
How old is he turning? Zero? - You little rat bastard - Hey, hey, hey.
Arthur, Arthur.
[SPACE ALIEN VOICE.]
Oh, Annette Cranet to Milo.
Come in, Milo.
What is your emotional location? Astronaut Milo? Have you gone dark? I hate Aunt Maya and I hate this party and I hate her stupid, ugly baby, and I'm not sharing my birthday with it! And if I were any better at witchcraft, I swear [NORMAL VOICE.]
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know that's not how it works, right? That baby will have its own birthday.
When your new baby cousin comes along, you won't be the youngest anymore.
So you know what that means? I can beat the baby up? Um, or you can teach it things, like - Who got you into deep space? - Mason.
He kept telling me I was from Uranus, so I looked it up, and I found out Uranus has 27 moons.
So Mason wound up introducing you to something super cool, and you can do the same thing for the baby.
You can teach it all of your wisdom about Uranus.
I do have a lot of wisdom about Uranus.
Would you like to open up a present? - Maybe the one I got you? - Yes, please! - [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
- - What is it? - Very special.
I'm so excited.
What is it? What is it? What is it? [GASPS.]
I just hope that he or she gets my ankles.
- Does anyone know if ankles are recessive? - [LAUGHTER.]
No.
Hey, everyone, I also have an announcement to make.
I got my own star! Lisa Apple adopted it for me, and it has my name.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, buddy! - MAYA: Ah.
- You killed it, babe.
Hey, where's Mom? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
MAYA: Lena? No.
[SNIFFLES.]
Is this about that star? - 'Cause that was crap.
- No.
- Oh, God.
- [SNIFFLES.]
[TEARFULLY.]
I'm glad Milo got his star.
[SNIFFLES.]
And I'm happy about Martin and Lisa Apple.
And I'm happy for you.
I just I just don't feel happy for me.
Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones.
You know sisters are like that sometimes.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Family meeting? - Yes, please.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- I'm sorry, you guys.
- [HENRY SIGHS.]
I just I feel so empty.
I feel like everything I had is just gone, and I don't know what I'm supposed to replace it with.
Honey, you're not supposed to replace it with anything.
You know, when your mother died, I really had no idea of what my life was supposed to look like without her.
So I didn't look.
I didn't ask any questions that couldn't be answered.
I just got out of bed in the morning, tried to do the things I loved, see the people I loved, and then, one day, I woke up and I realized I was doing it.
I was being okay.
And you're gonna be okay, too.
[KNOCK, DOOR OPENS.]
Did I just miss some deep (BLEEP)? - I did, didn't I? - Mm-hm.
Okay.
This is about Lisa Apple? [SIGHS.]
Listen.
I know that it's tough to watch her cuddle with Milo, but remember Lisa Apples come and go.
The bond between a mother and a child is forever.
You don't even speak to your mother.
- That's because she's a raging bitch.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But you aren't.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hey, buddy.
- Toby.
Hello, there.
[SNIFFLES.]
Guys, I don't want to dump on Lisa Apple.
I really don't.
The truth is, I resented her being here, but she's been nothing but kind to the people I love.
She's a really great person.
I have to make a B.
M.
- Oh, God.
- Okay.
- CAMILLE: Thank you.
- When you put it that way [SIGHS.]
- Mm-hm? - Mm.
Yeah? Best pregnant foot rub in the West.
- Am I right? - This is really pretty great.
Well, I've had three opportunities to perfect it.
Which reminds me, if you ever need a crib built, I can pretty much do it blindfolded.
Yo! Martin! - Artie.
- Hey, I love the party.
Youthful energy.
I love it.
Anyway, um, Camille wants me to get some juice boxes out of the garage.
Can you give me a hand? You can get it.
I hurt my back waving to my neighbor, so - I'll be back.
- Thank you.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
ARTHUR: Martin, what the hell were you doing in there? Rubbing Maya's feet.
And acting all goo-goo over her unborn child.
In two seconds, Lisa Apple's gonna think you want to get her pregnant.
- What? No.
- Martin, trust me I have become very good at anticipating things that women will get mad at you for.
In fact, Camille's probably on her way in here right now because I'm taking too long with the juices.
Okay, look.
Lisa and I just started dating.
That would be a pretty big leap.
And for the record, I'm not leaping there.
I have three kids who can wipe their own butts.
I'm I'm done.
Well, then stop waxing nostalgic - and swooning over Maya.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
You guys painting each other's toenails out here or what? Let's go with those juices! I know what I'm talking about.
Mm-hmm.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MARTIN SIGHS.]
- Such a good dad.
- I don't want any more children.
- What? - I'm done.
Shop's closed, so Oh.
Okay.
Well, I haven't asked, but actually, that works out well, 'cause with our age difference, by the time I want to have kids, you'll probably be dead anyway.
- Yeah.
That's awesome.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Did you hear that? Uh-huh.
Stick a fork in 'em.
Hey.
Uh, Jasper number 1, Isaac, Oscar, Kevin your folks are here! Let's go! - Here are your goodie bags.
- Thank you.
I have some candy in here, and I also included some literature on consent.
Thank you, ma'am.
Hey, I'm Basil.
I'm here for Hazel.
Hazel, it's Basil! - Oh, hey, Base.
Later, Haze.
- Sup, Mase? My brain's gonna explode.
Hey, Milo Are you leaving? [SPACE ALIEN VOICE.]
I have a long journey home.
Your Earth party was most enjoyable.
- Snickle-zorf mong! - Zorf mong Li kling-klon.
- Zorf mong Li kling-klon! - Zorf mong Li kling-klon.
- MARTIN: Blasting off, babe? - [NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll text you later after clean-up.
Oh.
I can handle clean-up.
You guys can both blast off.
No, no.
I wouldn't let you clean all this up on your own.
Oh, please.
I'm more than accustomed to cleaning up on my own.
It sounds like Martin really wants to stick around and help, so Thank you, again, Lena, for having me.
Oh, you were so great with Milo today.
Really.
Thank you, Lisa.
- Thank you, Lena, for saying that.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey.
Can I get a picture of you with the sister wives? - Oh, my gosh.
Of course.
- - MAYA: Uh [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
- Smile.
- MAYA: Wow.
Look at that.
- MARTIN: Cheese.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
Come on in.
- Hey.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Ugh.
So wet out there.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Um, I'm Jasper's dad.
My ex was supposed to pick up, but she got stuck, so Are you Milo's mom? No.
No, no.
I'm Auntie Maya.
I'm single Auntie Maya.
Jasper number 2 isn't ready yet! That's okay.
Me neither.
You want some coffee? I'd love that.
Okay.
LENA: So, was it a great party? I miss Josh.
- I know, honey.
Me too.
- Really? What do you miss about him the most? For me, it's his smile.
You know what? I think there's one other present you haven't opened yet.
It's Josh! It's Josh reincarnated into a stuffed animal that has his soul.
Do you like it? I know it wasn't on your list, but do you like it? I love it, Mom, and I love you, too.
I love you more.
Happy birthday.
- Mom? - Mm-hmm.
Will you lay with me until I fall asleep? You know what? I would love to lay with you until you fall asleep, but there's a very good chance that I'm gonna fall asleep first.
- Move over.
- Can you say that in alien, Mom? Oh.
Um Saoirse Ronan.
I love Saoirse Ronan.
Good night, Mom.
Good night, Josh.
Good night, sweetie.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- LENA: Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You fall asleep up there? No.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You liar.
- You guys, thank you so much.
The house looks amazing.
You didn't have to do that.
Just gonna take the trash out.
- Excuse me.
Good night.
- LENA: Good night.
- Okay, I'm calling it.
- Yep! - Calling what? - Lisa Apple.
- Not long for this world.
- Oh, you guys.
He told her that he didn't want to have kids with her.
- He did? - Mm-hmm, and then he cringed when she made that annoying, possibly racist alien voice.
Okay.
That doesn't mean And it's 9:00 at night.
Why isn't he out with her? I don't know, but thank you very much.
I'm gonna bang out these dishes and go to bed.
- Good night, Mama.
- [GASPS.]
Hey! I can say that to you now.
- Mwah! Good night, Mama! - I know.
Mwah! - Good night, Mama.
- Good night, Mama.
And you're driving, Mama, - 'cause I'm a little buzzed.
- [LAUGHS.]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
- Need someone to dry? - [GASPS AND CHUCKLES.]
I thought you were in the garage.
You scared me.
Sorry.
I still forget you're not expecting me.
What are you doing? No, Martin.
You did enough.
- Seriously.
You're off the hook.
- I don't want to be off the hook.
We co-hosted this event, so this is my mess, too.
All right, fine.
Then get involved, you slacker.
Today felt really good, all of us being in the house together again.
Yeah.
And Lisa is awesome, I have to admit.
I caught her comforting Milo when he was upset, and she's a pretty special person.
Well, I do have incredibly good taste.
You know, we were married for a very long time.
And I thought I knew everything there was to know about you.
In fact, I used to pride myself on knowing exactly how you would handle any given situation.
You surprised me today.
[PLATE THUDS.]
Still have some tricks up these rubber gloves, I guess.
Um this is dirty.
You're better than that.
- What? - I mean, it's just just going in a cabinet for a year.
I know.
- - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Float down the river We pass by each other It's a great big world of light [SIGHS.]
- [PLUG RATTLING.]
- What are you doing? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was gonna get going, and, um, I just wanted to get my phone charger.
I didn't want to leave anything behind.
Because Because I didn't want to assume we'd be seeing each other again.
Well, I already assumed that.
- [GASPS.]
Really?! - Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [GASPS.]
JASPER: Dad! I want some gluten-free waffles! 10 more years, then he's out of here.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- And don't worry he's my last one.
-