Spun Out (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you.
Happy Birthday, Dad! Sweetie, please, don't mention that again.
Honestly.
And make sure you tell everyone: no gifts.
- Sir, are we upset about turning 50? - No.
Just think, if this were the Middle Ages, you'd already be dead.
Well, thank you, Bryce.
But I'm just not in the mood for celebrating.
Well, get in the mood! I have a big surprise party planned for you! Traditionally, you don't tell someone you're going to surprise them.
Well, don't worry about it, sweetheart.
Nothing surprises me anyway.
Don't even try, Gordon.
- All right.
- No, you're gonna be surprised this time: I have 4 of your best pals from high school coming up to the office.
- What? - Yeah! Oh, sweetie You really shouldn't have.
Sir, your 4 best pals from high school?! What were you guys? A rowing crew? Young entrepreneurs? An improv troupe? No, not exactly.
Surprise.
Hello, Daveen.
Okay, so here we have some coffee, and there's some sugar and cream.
But you guys probably like your coffee black.
It's just a joke.
Really? Wow! This is a really nice office.
Yeah.
Daveen did really well for himself.
This place really is breathtaking.
Sorry, I always get a bad taste in my mouth when I'm in a corporate whorehouse.
Stinks of money! Where is Daveen? It's like he doesn't even want us here.
You know, I took the bus all the way from Orillia.
I came from China.
But I didn't have to endure the bus.
What up? Hey, suit.
So, back in high school, what did you guys, like, do? Mostly, we hung around Damian's mom's basement, contemplating the mind-numbing existence of a godless universe.
And we saw a lot of bands.
So Goths are like, what, sad vampires? Oh, we're not like vampires.
Because we don't plan to live forever.
Now that's a joke, Goldilocks! So, what were you? In a Goth band? No, we weren't in a Goth band! We had a suicide pact.
Bryce, we- We agreed that when the youngest of us turned 50, we would get together and end our bondage to this empty world.
Well sir, a suicide pact - Should I call the police? - No! No, we can't do that.
Not to Damian.
- Which one is Damian? - You couldn't tell? Honestly, sir, they all seem like slight variations on a theme.
Bryce, I know it seems crazy, but Damian's just always had this effect on me.
I mean, he has this effect on all of us! You know, he's just so damn charismatic! You must be feeling it too.
- No, sir.
Not in the least.
- Really? Uh, dad, you're being rude.
Sweetheart, hey.
They're waiting for you, and you're in here drinking! Oh, sweetheart, I know you've put a lot of work into making this a great birthday and I really do appreciate it.
And though no fault of your own, you have opened up the gates to Hell! But were you surprised? Oh! Hey, Facebook friends.
My dad'll just be a minute.
Your beautiful blonde hair disgusts me.
I'm sorry, what? Are you seeing anyone? You're my dad's age, so In the dark, we have no age.
But if my back goes out, you'll have to do all the work.
Kewl? Lots to think about sir.
Beckett, Nelson! She's thinking about it! - All right! - What are you still doing here? - We wanted to watch the freaks.
- No, no, no! You're supposed to be hanging decorations.
We're on a very tight schedule! - Did you at least get the dry ice machine? - You were serious about that?! Don't worry, Stephanie.
I'll go get the dry ice.
Besides, those German mimes scare me.
- Hey, guys.
- Is it Daveen? - It is.
- Spin me! I'm getting a really weird vibe from you, Daveen.
It's almost like you don't want us here.
No, no, no, no! No, that's crazy.
No, I'm so excited you're here.
I want to get all caught up, I mean, so much has happened since we were young and dark and hanging out in your mom's basement.
Actually, I still live in my mother's basement.
Really? Does she still watch the weather channel with her house dress coquettishly half open? Yes.
And she's still cruel and sadistic.
Last night she interrupted my blood letting ritual with pizza bagels! - How banal.
- So first world.
I think it's amazing that Damian's never sold out.
- Yeah.
- Yes, Daveen.
What do you think of a 52-year-old man who still lives in his mother's basement? I think you're the bravest man I've ever met.
Then join us.
Join us.
Parents, huh.
Can't live with 'em, and there are other options.
- Sir, can I talk to you for a minute? - Huh? - Hey, you didn't get Dave anything, right? - No, of course not.
Dave said "no gifts".
Man, Stephanie is the worst party planner in history.
Remember her 3-days-before-Easter party? Yeah.
Terrible Friday.
Where's the photographer?! What's the 20 on the photographer? - Calm down, I'm right here.
- Never mind.
We found the photographer.
You're not talking to anyone on that, are you? Smile! Stephanie, I have the ice.
Where do you want it? Gordon, that is dry ice.
It's gonna burn through your hands! Don't be silly.
Ice doesn't BUUURRRRN!!! Sir, I have never seen you like this.
Please get a hold of yourself.
You are Dave Lyons, for God's sake! You're right, Bryce.
I'm Dave Lyons! But I can't find my eyeliner.
Can you run to the pharmacy and get me one? I want to look cool for Damian.
- What the hell was that?! - It was a slap, sir.
Oh, for God's sakes, Bryce! If you're gonna slap a man, you better slap him Ow! Thank you, Bryce.
Good to have you back, sir.
Yeah, I think it's about time I kicked some Goth ass, huh? Yeah, I'll tell Damian I will commit suicide over my dead body! Hey, guys.
Daveen.
We've been expecting you.
Welcome to the semi-circle of despair.
Where did you get all the candelabras? - At the Candelabrium.
- On Bathurst.
They sell only candelabras.
They were having a going-out-of-business sale.
Obviously.
- Hey, guys.
- Shoes! Sorry.
Guys, can we talk ab You guys are all wearing shoes! Life isn't fair, Daveen.
That's why we're ending It.
Guys, can we talk about the pact? What's to talk about? We all agreed, when the last one of us turns 50, if the world isn't cool yet, we'd kill ourselves.
Beep beep beep.
News flash: the world isn't cool yet.
Well, Julia Louis Dreyfus is always delightful.
That's true.
It's just not enough! Besides, we signed a contract in blood.
And I remember it clearly because we used my blood.
And Damian insisted on several additional clauses.
Well, if God did exist, he'd be in the details.
I'm sorry, guys, but this is insane.
I'm-I'm-I'm out of the pact.
Yeah, but you promised.
I may have promised, but I You're right.
I promised.
I'm in.
Excellent.
So, we kill ourselves then.
At the witching hour.
Yes! 10:45.
I always thought the witching hour was midnight.
But I was always wrong.
The witching hour! Tonight, we die as we lived! Self-righteous and afraid.
Of jocks.
I mean, what's their problem anyway? - There are other ways to get up a rope.
- Yeah.
- So talked to the guys.
- And? And we came to an understanding.
- You agreed to kill yourself, didn't you? - Yes, I did, Bryce.
I'm sorry.
But you don't understand.
There's just no arguing with that guy.
I mean, he's just literally dripping with charisma! And when he gives you those pouty eyes, you feel terrible about disappointing him.
I understand, sir.
I'll just ask the cleaning staff if they have any extra bleach and 5 body bags.
- Thank you, Bryce.
Thank you.
- Sir, that was sarcasm! Clearly the problem here is that Damian fellow! I say we cut this snake off at the head.
Not when the snake has eyes like that, you don't! No, we're gonna have to cut this snake off at the tail.
I tell you what.
You go distract Damian and I'll try to talk sense to the other guys.
I'm on it, sir.
Which one is Damian again? What, are you made of stone? Oh, my God, Gordon, I'm so sorry! I'm okay.
It doesn't hurt near as much as letting you DOOOWN!!! Actually, it hurts a lot more! - What is that? - It's a little lion I made.
Pretty proud.
No, no.
What is that? - Oh, uh, nothing.
- Oh, it's something.
- It's a little box.
- It's a It's a token.
We said: no gifts! Well, you didn't say anything about no tokens.
- It's a little tie pin.
- A tie pin? That's a gift.
- Great.
Now I look like a jerk.
- Well, come on now.
You looking like a jerk has nothing to do with me.
All right.
Oh, that's a cute little lion.
Hey, lay off my balloon, man! No! Come on! Hey! Hey! No loot bags for you! What?! - Aw, man! - Pff! - I had fuzzy peaches in 'em.
- Probably a parachute, man.
Pff! And here we have our boardroom.
We have a corkboard, a whiteboard - Any blackboard? - Uh, no.
Optimist.
I'm gonna go check on the guys.
No, no, wait.
You haven't seen everything on the shelves or sat in any of the chairs yet, huh? - I know what you're doing.
- You do? You're trying to seduce me.
And it's working.
Oh! There's a party downstairs, they have cake! Oh, cake? Okay, guys, my dad's running late, but he's gonna be here any minute.
When he gets here, everybody pretend to be having fun! Who am I, Meryl Streep? When I yell surprise, you cue the dry ice machine, okay? And now this party's gonna be off the hook! I'm having so much fun! - You're scaring people.
- Oh Hey.
What did you buy? Oh, this? It's nothing.
Just a little token.
Something Dave can wear with his "not a gift" tie pin.
- Single-breasted - Mm-hmm.
Double vented Come on.
I'll buy you a beer.
A beer does sound good.
But first, uh, I gotta use the bathroom.
Hey, where are you going? The bathroom is right there.
Well, sometimes I like to pee outside.
Oh, really? I think you're going to buy another gift! You wanna watch me pee? Is that what you want, Beckett? That's exactly what I want.
- All right, let's do that.
- Can't wait.
Okay, let's go.
Right now.
Following you right out there.
Nope, I am not gonna do that.
Oh! Surprise! Happy Birthday! Ugh.
It's not him.
And this is Manion's, the bar downstairs.
Your party makes me wanna kill myself.
- Gordon, turn the damn thing off! - I don't know how! Oh, wait! I'll just take the ice OUUUTTT!!! Where'd he go? He's not the only one with tricks up his wizard sleeves.
If you see my dad, remind him about the surprise party! Alastair, do you really want to die? I mean, hasn't your life been fulfilling at all? Fulfilling? Actually, it's exceeded my wildest expectations.
I teach English as a second language.
A second language! These people already have one language under their belt and they want to learn another one! And who's the guy that gets to teach them? Wu-ha.
That's great.
And Sebastian, what about you? I mean, do you really want to throw your life away? Well, I must say it is a shame that I have to die - now that I'm finally in the right body.
- Oh - What-what do you mean? - I had a sex change.
- It's obvious, huh? - Oh! Oh well oh.
- So you had the surgery? - Oh no.
- Just the hormones? - Oh, God no! No.
It's a homeopathic sex change.
Much healthier.
I just drink water that has the memory of estrogen.
You know, tap water.
Well, you look beautiful, sister! Oh, thanks.
That means a lot.
Really, it does seem a shame then to just throw it away.
I mean, don't you wanna, don't you wanna experience - what it'll be like to live as a woman? - Oh! - I don't wanna die.
- Then let's not die! - Let's not die! - Yeah! Guys, I'm really proud of this decision.
Let's talk to Sid.
Where is he? Oh, good God! Hey, Sid.
Hey, Dave.
What'cha doin'? You ever notice that people look like worker ants from up here? Sid, we're only on the 4th floor.
Oh! Well, maybe people just always look like worker ants to me.
Yeah.
Hey, hey.
Be careful, okay Sid? Careful.
'Cause, you know, Sid, you really have a lot to live for.
'Course I do, Dave.
I'm a dentist.
You know, everybody wants to be a dentist.
Do you know that I get to work with teeth every day? Human teeth.
I get to put my hands in the mouths of strangers all the time! Drilling and cleaning human teeth.
What sap would wanna give that up? No one in their right minds, Sid.
No.
So what are you doing on the ledge? Oh, just having a cigarette.
Your bald-headed servant said I couldn't smoke inside.
Oh! That's a relief.
You know, some people don't inhale.
I don't exhale.
Kewl.
Boom.
This just happened.
You lose.
You got Dave a fur coat? Awesome, if you're a star running back in the NFL.
Let me guess.
You had to give up cable? Just for a couple of years.
I'm so stupid! We both are.
Why are we competing for Dave's affection? I don't know.
We don't even spend this much money on each other! Dave didn't even bother to show up! What am I gonna do with a suit that's not my size? Tell me about it! Even I can't pull off this fur coat.
You know I bet I could.
Okay, guys, Sid is in.
We're gonna stand up to Damian.
Agreed! Yeah, I'm tired of doing everything just 'cause he says! Yes, exactly! It's almost witching hour! they're plotting against you! - Oh? - Alastair and Dave are traitors! Nonsense! I came from China for this.
Guys, we said we were gonna stand up to Damian! We just had this conversation! Hey, Daveen.
If you don't wanna do it, you don't have to, Suicide killjoy.
Damian, I'm sorry to let you down, but, but I've made a great life for myself.
And, and I will throw it away for you.
Good.
So I'm thinking poison pills.
However, this is the last choice we'll ever make, so I will open it up to the floor.
Razor blades are always cool! Ah, but Sebastian, women always use pills.
No, I say we do it like men.
Just open the window and jump.
Naked.
The wind whipping our genitals! Interesting, but why naked? - I've been working out.
- Good ideas.
Really strong ideas.
So pills it is.
I will pass them out.
Each take a pill.
At 10:45, I will give the signal.
This will be it.
And then, we will swallow the pills.
Pills on tongues! Pills on tongues.
Well, you ruined the party.
All of your casual acquaintances were there and they seemed mildly interested for most of it! And yeah, maybe the face painter spent all of his time painting the juggler's balls, but for the most part, it was a very lovely party, and you ruined it! - Happy frickin' birthday! - And, yo! Dave! These fancy duds - ha-ha! Could have been yours! Sup! - A ring-a-ding-ding! - Bong! Guys, I can't do this.
I can't, I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
I've let that girl down her whole life.
I'm just not gonna do it anymore.
I've let a lot of people down too.
And in 2 languages! I'm a major disappointment to all my family and friends.
I just don't call people back! I have to make amends too.
I've been steeling people's teeth.
Human teeth! I've stolen over 1,000 pounds of teeth! - That just can't be right.
- No! - Not at all! - Not me! See you in Hell! I'm gonna make a quick call to my mother and tell her she sucks.
Remind me, dial 9 to get out? - Yes.
- Da-Damian! I can't believe Damian's gonna die in my office.
Actually I picked out the pills.
It's just some fake ecstasy my son sold me.
It is I, Malachi! Ruler of all Goths! And I command you to stop this insanity Shoes! You bastards knew I wasn't dying and you let me call my mother?! Yes, we did.
You know what? - I really have missed you guys.
- Aw! We missed you too, Dave.
Not in a call-you-all-the-time kinda way, but more like, "Oh yeah, Dave!" You may have sold out to the man, but you have a very impressive building.
- And a totally doable daughter! - Oh! I'm embarrassed to admit it, but when I thought I was dying, I realized how much I wanted to live.
- Surprise! - My heart! - My heart! - You really got me that time! I surprised my dad! Success! That was good.
Oh no! - Damian? - Uh, oh.
- Is he? - He's dead.
Oh, really? Well, I'm not surprised.
You can't live your whole life on nothing but pizza bagels and expect to get away with it.
You know what he does for exercise? He screams up at the night! - That is good for cardio.
Yeah.
- Yes.
And I guess plotting a suicide pact is pretty stressful.
All that charisma and no common sense.
Well, to friends, here and gone.
Cheers! I heard every word and not one of them was, "Someone call an ambulance!" Ooh, cake! We missed you to Dave.
Not in a call you all the kind time away.
- Did I say, did I - He's having a stroke! - He's having a stroke! Is there a doctor? - I smell oranges! - Oh, I'll never work again.
- No.
Well, your not working now.