St. Denis Medical (2024) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
So the story starts,
"For sale, baby shoes,"
and you go, uh-huh.
But then it hits you with "never worn."
And you're like, OK.
Now it's sad.
- Just think about it. Why would they
- [PEOPLE YELLING]
We have two male patients
with puncture wounds!
I'm gonna freakin' kill you, man!
It's soaking through.
I need more gauze right now!
His blood pressure's dropping.
I'm grabbing another bag.
Come at me, then! Come at me, then!
Separate them.
De-escalate!
De-esca oh!
Oh.
- Careful.
- Yes, I am, thank you.
Thank I'm I'm fine.
Thank you.
Here it comes. Here it comes.
Here it comes. Here it comes.
There's a prison
about 40 miles from here.
They have an infirmary,
but for serious injuries
i.e. stabbings they bring them to us.
Now, don't worry.
They're always restrained,
and we always have a corrections officer
looking out for us.
So, uh, ooh, we're in his very
capable, very muscly hands.
That was crazy.
I mean, colorful language.
Like, what does it even mean
to [BLEEP] someone's [BLEEP]
[BLEEP] in the face?
[LAUGHS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Here you go.
A little reminder of hospital protocols
when dealing with patient inmates.
Any questions right now?
Oh, I have a question.
What did they do?
You mean the crimes
of which they were convicted?
I cannot disclose that information.
Do you know?
I do not.
It's probably something illegal,
if I had to guess.
Do you think they're violent?
You mean those two guys that
stabbed each other
with the homemade shivs?
I think they're in for mail fraud.
Maybe they recorded the World Series,
re-broadcasted it.
You you can't do that.
OK, guys, let's not
speculate, all right?
Don't even think of them as prisoners.
They are people experiencing prison.
Just like when we look at Anthony,
we see a qualified patient tech,
not an ex-con.
- Ex-con?
- Wait. You were in prison?
Uh, that was supposed
to be confidential, Joyce.
[WHISPERING] I'm so sorry.
I thought you started a ministry.
OK, it doesn't matter.
I the point is, let's just
treat these guys like normal.
Any other questions?
Not about Anthony.
- Can I go to the bathroom?
- Mm-hmm. Please.
All right, back to work, everyone.
This is the third time I've
stitched up this guy's abdomen.
He's either got to stop
running his mouth or learn
- how to protect his left flank.
- [LAUGHS]
- You've treated these guys before?
- Oh, yeah.
We have a handful of inmates
we see a lot.
They're very active.
I mean, look at this chart.
"Stab wound. Stab wound. Knife wound?"
That really should say "stab wound."
We should start a loyalty program where,
with your tenth stab wound,
you get a free fro-yo.
Just seems pointless to do all that
when we know they're going
to attack each other again.
Yeah, well, we're not allowed
to just let them die, Matt.
No, I mean, we could talk
to them, you know?
Show them there's other ways
to solve their issues.
That's very sweet and and very noble.
But I don't think that
a couple of rival gang members
who tried to kill each other
are going to be
super receptive to reason.
Plus, they're almost halfway
to that free fro-yo.
I mean, it'd be crazy to stop now.
[LAUGHS] Right.
Serena, would you do me
a favor and toss these for me?
Thanks.
The trash is right there.
Oh, it should be really easy then.
Bruce!
I need your juice.
I need me some Bruce juice.
[LAUGHS]
Your blood.
- Oh.
- Uh, yeah.
You have not donated yet, sir.
Today is the last day
of our annual blood drive.
Portland General just had theirs,
and they're bragging
all over social media
about their 100% participation rate.
[SCOFFS]
Well, we are going to do even better.
We are going to have
also 100%,
because I guess you can't
really top that.
But we can tie it.
I'll try my best, Joyce,
but I'm pretty slammed.
- [SIGHS]
- I know, I know.
I was so looking forward to it,
but a ton of back-to-backs today, so
I actually just updated the schedule.
You have plenty of time.
- Oh.
- Uh, no.
No, no, no.
I think you're forgetting
that last-minute
burr hole craniotomy.
Nope.
Dr. Jacobs did that, so you're all good.
Well, there were two of them, so
Yep, Dr. Jacobs did them both.
Wow, Dr. Jacobs,
kicking ass and taking names.
Well, you're free as a bird to do that,
so flap on over there.
Don't forget.
I'll make sure he remembers.
Oh, thank you, Sereeny-beany.
We're not there yet.
Thank you for that boundary.
So what's the deal?
Are you afraid of needles,
blood, or helping people?
[LAUGHS] That's hilarious.
No. No, no, no.
I don't do fear.
Matter of fact, the only
thing that I'm afraid of
is that my lack of fear
could get me hurt someday.
Uh-huh.
So I guess you're off
to donate then, huh?
Mm-hmm. Guess I am.
Great.
On your way,
could you toss these for me?
The trash is right there.
Should be easy.
- Thanks!
- [CHUCKLES]
There's a lot of tension
between doctors and nurses.
Nurses do injections, transfusions,
general patient care,
and doctors complain.
Sometimes they initial forms.
I've never been to jail personally,
but I've seen movies about it.
You ever watch "Ernest Goes to Jail"?
I might not be the "IV guy"
or the "suture guy,"
but if there's one thing I'm good at,
it's conflict resolution.
Step 1, establish common ground.
"Goes to Camp" has a higher
Rotten Tomatoes score,
but "Ernest Goes to Jail"
is where you really
get to see Varney's range.
I don't know what the [BLEEP]
you're talking about, man.
You've never seen the "Ernest" movies?
How long you been in prison?
They came in with
a bad case of the grumps,
and all they needed was
50 ccs of kindness.
He's just young and naive.
It's kind of sweet, really.
When a six-year-old writes a note
to the tooth fairy, that's sweet.
When an adult does it,
you send him for a psych eval.
Well, I'm not sure that
believing people can change
is the same thing as believing
in the tooth fairy.
Yeah, and at least that
tooth fairy thing pays off.
I mean, you get a quarter
under your pillow.
You only gave a quarter?
So you're saying you're with
Susie Goodwishes over there?
I'm saying that it's not insane
It's insane.
I mean, it's not impossible to
It's impossible.
It's impossible and insane.
God, you're annoying. And wrong.
- Bet you a dollar?
- Oh, a dollar?
Wow, that's like four whole baby teeth.
- Are you sure?
- Thought so.
Do you know what?
You're on.
Ron is like the Darth Vader
of this department, you know?
And he's trying to get Matt
to come over to the dark side.
And I'm like, hey, no, come
over here to the light side,
to the
the good side, the Force side.
[SIGHS] Tim is going to kill me.
- Arm out, please.
- Whoa.
Hey, buy me a drink first.
[LAUGHS] No, kidding. Kidding.
No no no booze
on the job, obviously.
Uh, what are you working
with there? That a 16-gauge?
Nice. Classic.
This guy's a huge fan
of needles, just FYI.
Don't you have somewhere to be?
Just wanted to observe.
Right.
Well, I think Maxine
would prefer not to be gawked at.
I don't care.
Maxine doesn't care. Good. Great.
OK, here we go.
Yeah. Tie me up.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Love that. Yeah.
Get those veins nice and, uh, stickable.
- Now let's just
- Whoa!
[LOUD CLATTERING] Oh, my God.
You just came at me.
It's just an alcohol swab.
Uh, so announce that.
[PANTING] I mean, come on.
- You seeing this?
- Yeah.
- You need to calm down.
- Oh, calm down.
Right. Yeah. Great advice.
Famously works.
- You try to do a good deed.
- Dude, chill.
- You're fine.
- No, she's not fine.
She's not fine.
Why is this on so tight?
Hey.
Hey, I just wanted to say
thank you for saving me
catching me earlier.
No need to thank me.
Oh, well, I appreciate it.
I mean, I could have gotten hurt
if you hadn't been so fast and strong.
No problem.
You know, it's funny.
They're always saying
that doctors are heroes,
but I think you guys
are the real heroes.
I mean, we are too.
We both are. [LAUGHS]
They should give us all capes.
[LAUGHS] Yes, capes.
They should. Yeah.
Bleh. All right.
My boyfriend Sanderson,
what I love about him
is that he is just not strong, OK?
And not trying to be.
He's not some unevolved caveman
who just grunts and groans
and bonks you on the head
and takes you away and ravages you.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- All right.
Matt, let's go. I'm going to help you.
Heck, yeah. Help me with what?
The prisoners.
Awesome.
Help me how with the prisoners?
I am going to show Ron
that when you're hopeful
and you're optimistic that
you can do anything, you know?
You can convince hardened criminals
to change their entire
way of life in an afternoon.
Sorry, guys, but we are
really slammed today,
and you two are going
to have to share a room.
[SIGHS] Jesus Christ.
- For real?
- Yeah, I know.
I'm sure you guys are both
really upset about this.
But hey, that's something
you have in common, you know?
You might have other things
in common, right?
Who knows?
Be pretty fun to find out,
though, right?
- Not really.
- Hell, no.
Ah! More agreement.
[LAUGHS] All right.
We'll let you get settled.
And hey, I believe in you two.
About what?
Uh, just like, whatever.
You can do it.
Now I'ma bust your face
I don't know if you guys realize this,
but by putting them in the same room,
they might just figure out
they have more things in common
than they ever thought possible.
That's exactly what we were hoping for.
He's not being sincere, sweetie.
- Right.
- It's OK.
A lot of people are afraid of needles,
my niece, my niece's imaginary friend.
I'm not afraid of needles.
I love needles.
I use them all the time.
I'm just not so in love
with the idea of needles
going into my veins in particular.
Was it fun to watch Bruce break?
Yes.
Will I tap into that memory repeatedly
over the coming years,
maybe even in a sexual context?
Absolutely.
But he does have to cut
someone's chest open later,
so we might need him
functional for that.
It's exposure therapy.
I'll lightly press
the needle against your skin
so you get used to it.
And and this actually works?
Yeah. I do it with kids all the time.
Oh, usually, I let them hold
Dr. Boo Boo Bear.
- Want him?
- I'll pass.
All right. Now just relax.
OK.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
[GROANS] OK.
- You're moving.
- I'm not moving.
- Stop moving.
- I'm not moving.
So
[SIGHS]
Hey, remember what you were
saying the other day
about Bitcoin being stupid?
What? I said the exact opposite.
Bitcoin is the future of finance
Now I'm touching your arm
and everything is fine.
OK.
And you you're not
going to put it in, right?
- I'm not putting it in.
- You're not just saying that and then
- you're going to put it in?
- I'm not.
No. Ow! You stabbed me! Oh, you lied!
- You moved.
- My heart is pounding.
I feel like I can't breathe.
Oh, yeah, and this.
How is this supposed to
I mean wow.
That is really soft.
He has a really soft pelt.
[PANTING]
He's nice.
You said he's a doctor?
That's a major piece of equipment there.
Is that a is that a Glock?
Yes, ma'am.
[GASPS] I was just guessing.
I had no idea. Wow.
Good one, Joyce. I bet they're heavy.
They look heavy.
Oh, it's just a 9-millimeter.
- It's light.
- It's light.
Yeah, because you've got
all the core strength.
I have a boyfriend.
Uh-oh. Tapioca party.
Guess my invite's in the mail, huh?
All right.
I have your scans here.
Oh, whoops.
- These are not labeled.
- Uh-oh.
Matt, do you know whose X-ray is whose?
Huh? I can't tell the difference.
Mm.
It's almost like under
all the superficial
stuff like scary body art,
we're all very similar on the inside.
You know, despite our differences
You didn't label the X-rays?
What kind of broke-ass hospital is this?
Yeah, and you just can't show
people other patients' X-rays.
That's a HIPAA violation.
Oh, wow, you know what
a HIPAA violation is.
But the question is, a HIPAA violation
against which one of you?
Hmm.
Paging Nurse Alex and Nurse Matt.
There's a call for you from the Vatican.
His Holiness, the Pope,
would like to nominate you
for super sainthood.
Sorry, my Latin's a little rusty.
[LAUGHS]
Super sainthood.
That just came to me in the moment.
[LAUGHS]
OK, let's try something different.
No needles at all.
Just close your eyes
and think of a happy place.
Now, where are you?
Dave & Buster's.
I'm with Salma Hayek,
and she's kicking my ass at air hockey.
But I'm about to reveal that
I am not, in fact,
left-handed. [CHUCKLES]
OK.
And now Salma has a needle.
Great. [SCOFFS]
I appreciate this, I do.
But I think I'm just
going to go to Joyce
and explain that
what's that doing here?
- The phlebotomy arm?
- Yeah.
It's to practice blood draws,
but we use it
to show kids how it all works.
Huh. Look at that.
God, it feels so real.
Please don't do anything
weird with the arm.
- Huh.
- All right, guys.
No more nonsense, OK?
- Let's hash things out.
- Yeah.
Let's cut the junk.
Eddie, what exactly is
your problem with Nico?
Yo, you and this nerd ever bang?
Matt, you're up.
Uh
You know, I've got two kids, so I know
a little something
about breaking up fights.
True, my kids are small and cute
and not covered in tattoos,
but the concept is the same, you know?
You don't give up.
No matter how frustrating it is,
no matter how bleak or hopeless,
you just keep pushing.
BOTH: Trust!
Because failure is not an option.
- Zip.
- Zap!
[BLEEP] you.
We can't let him win.
Them win. We can't not win.
Yeah.
I mean, is this going well?
Not at all.
Do they hate me?
I think so.
But can we do this?
Honestly, I'm not sure.
The headline is we're very optimistic.
All right.
I know you won't listen to me,
but maybe you'll listen to
my old pal Melissa Etheridge.
[GRUNTS]
Oh! Matt!
- Oh, God.
- OK.
- All right.
- They didn't like that song?
- No, they did not like that.
- OK.
My shift actually ended an hour ago.
Hi, how are you?
Beautiful day, isn't it?
How you doing?
[CHUCKLES]
The phlebotomist will draw this
real blood out of the fake arm,
then put it right back
in the blood bank,
and I don't have to get jabbed.
It's a win-win. [CHUCKLES]
How is that a win-win?
You're the only one winning.
So it's just one win, OK?
What's wrong with one win?
Really. [LAUGHS]
It's a whole thing, the two of us.
Katherine, thanks for donating.
Carolyn, way to go.
Paging Dr. Schweitz.
Final warning.
I vant your blood. [LAUGHS]
You got it, boss.
On my way to donate right now.
Oh, great.
Hey, we're finally going to hit 100%.
[LAUGHTER]
Don't cheapen it, Joyce.
I'm I'm not doing it for the glory.
Oh.
That was a vampire accent
I was doing just now.
It wasn't a cultural thing.
You're good.
OK.
It's sad, right?
It's like they want to hate each other,
like nothing we did
had any impact at all on them.
Yep. I'm calling it.
Time of death on this dream, 3:46 p.m.
[CHER'S "BELIEVE"]
So sad that you're leaving ♪
Hear ye, hear ye.
In recognition of your work
to eradicate hate,
I hereby present you both
with the key to the city.
You're gonna be the lonely one, oh ♪
Do you believe in life after love? ♪
Wow.
You're not very fun.
You win.
I can feel something inside me say ♪
Yay.
I won the dollar,
but I spent, like,
30 on the confetti and the key.
Also, I crushed their belief
in idealism and humanity.
So all in all, not a good deal.
Hey, babe.
Listen, I was just thinking,
maybe we could go to the gym
and work out this weekend.
You know, lift some weights.
Or I could just watch you lift weights.
Oh, sciatica. Right.
Oh, are you itching?
Well, that's what the Epsom salt is for.
OK. No. No.
We'll we'll just do
watercolors again, I guess.
No, it's fine. I love it.
No hard feelings about earlier, yeah?
I think we both lost it a little.
Can you make a fist, please?
There. Fist.
- Here we go.
- Great.
A little pinch.
Owie, that's smarts. Ugh.
Gonna feel that in the morning. Mm.
[CHUCKLES]
Why don't you stop looking at me then?
- I'm not looking at you.
- All right, guys, listen up.
Your nurses,
a Little Miss Goody Two-shoes,
and also Alex, need a win.
So I got you
a couple of cartons of cigs,
one for each of you.
All you have to do
is pretend to get along
for the rest of the day.
Deal?
We're not allowed to smoke
in prison anymore.
OK. Well, just trade these
- for something else you need.
- To who?
- Other people who can't smoke?
- Man, ain't you a doctor?
You're not supposed to be
giving cigarettes to patients.
That's not healthy.
All right, forget the cigs.
What do you want?
I'll take some sushi.
Yeah, that's good.
- Sushi?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, sushi.
Four toro cut rolls.
And do you guys have salmon belly?
Oh. OK, well, two of those.
No.
No miso soup.
Yo, what the [BLEEP], Ron?
Correction.
We will be having miso soup after all.
Mmm. That salmon belly just melts.
You gotta dip it
fish side down so the rice
doesn't drown in the soy.
Oh, word?
No.
I thought there couldn't be that many.
It's really quiet.
Are they both dead?
I bribed them with sushi
to pretend to get along
with each other
so you two would feel better.
And now they're actually getting along.
I think they really turned a corner.
Our plan worked.
- We did it.
- No.
No, no. I did it.
Yeah. The sushi was my idea.
And we fixed Ron's broken soul.
Bask in that light, Ron.
No, I fixed my broken soul.
- I am the light.
- Wow.
Hey, you like Indian food?
Now it's Southern Indian,
so you have to be able
to handle your spice.
They know me there.
I just don't to be embarrassed.
OK, what's going on?
Everything good?
Not really. Your blood stopped.
That's fine. Yeah.
That's that's normal.
- Whoops-a-daisy.
- Oh, cheese and crackers!
- Ah!
- Ah!
Ah, ah, that one's mine.
No, no, no. That's mine.
There were eight pieces.
- You already had four, man.
- You counting my bites.
- Watch out.
- Yeah, man.
I saw you rushing through here
so you could steal one of mine.
I'm rushing because
I already know how you are.
I knew you was going
to pull this [BLEEP].
What? Man, you played yourself.
You were rushing so damn much
- you didn't even enjoy them.
- I did!
I'm the one that told you about
dipping it fish side first, bitch!
Who cares about dipping it
fish side first?
I do care! That's how you eat it!
We're probably looking to
overhaul our security system.
If you're ever in the mood to consult,
I wrote my personal cell
on the back of this with a jelly pen.
Kind of fun.
[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
- [BLEEP].
- Get your dirty-ass chopsticks
out of my damn face, you dumbass!
Ahh!
- Back away from each other.
- Oh my god!
- Oh, god!
- Nope, it's OK.
This is OK. This happens, really.
- Oh!
- It's OK. Don't overreact.
This happens. No, you're overreacting.
Honestly, it's normal.
- Ahh!
- Oh, god! Oh, no!
Pull his bed against the wall!
No! [BLEEP] you, man!
You stabbed me twice today!
All right! All right, bro!
[BOTH YELLING]
Yeah, get 'em, Tommy.
This is normal, really. I can fix this.
- His arm.
- This is normal. Come on.
His arm's coming off.
No. No, no, no. It's OK.
What?
So no one's ever tried this before?
It's a shame to see
all that blood get wasted.
But if the person
who originally donated it
could see how much joy it brought me,
I think they'd be pretty psyched.
[LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC]
Hey, at least it was
a chopstick and not a shiv.
I think we're headed
in the right direction.
Sure, buddy.
Those guys were nice.
Not to me, but
This job can make you a little cynical.
Nurses see a lot of crazy things,
and it can take its toll.
But it's important to remember
that we're not here to judge.
We're here to help,
help our patients and help each other.
Because, you know, life is complicated.
People are complicated.
Yeah.
I mean, it's like after
"Ernest Goes to Jail,"
you're thinking, this guy can't miss.
But then he does
"Ernest Goes to Africa."
Don't Google it.
It's bad.
Pretty, pretty racist, so
[BELL CLANGS]