Starlings (2012) s01e07 Episode Script
Episode 7
1 It's an ancient forest, not Center Parcs.
This girl has magic in her hands.
Hello, Reuben.
So which direction's camp? I've got no idea.
This was all your idea, Fergie.
You wanted to go wild camping.
But I didn't know it was her, did I? Happy anniversary.
Come on, girls! Come on, girls! Charlie! On your toes! Oh! Good stop.
Who are ya! Who are ya! Who are ya! Who are ya! Dad? You're doing that thing again.
The shouty thing.
Am I? Sorry.
Sorry everyone.
Sorry.
Come on, Charlie.
Pass and move.
Come on, girls! I'm going to get a soup.
D'you want one? Er, where are we this week? Erm, the Soloman Islands? Yeah.
Could be Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Just get me the least weird soup that you can.
I'll do what I can.
Come on, girls! That your daughter in goal? Yes.
Yes, it is.
She's having a good game.
Always does.
What's her name? Uh, Charlie.
Charlie Starling.
How old is she? She's sixteen.
Good.
Are you one of the other dads? No, no.
God, no.
How do you feel after that? Sort of dead.
You mean alive, right? How far did we ride? No distance.
About twenty clicks.
How are the thighs? I bet they really burn.
I can't actually feel them, to be honest.
Or this arm.
Yep, I remember that feeling from when I did the Ten Tors in Dartmoor.
Really opens your neural pathways.
Fantastic for the immune system.
Since I started doing this, I haven't had a single cold sore.
Not one.
Kiss me.
Yeah.
Let's drive to the coast and go Climming.
Climming? What's that? Cliff swimming.
then fight your way back to shore.
It's a complete rush.
Oh, sounds amazing.
I'd love to, Annika, but I've sort of promised Fergie I'd do something with him.
Oh.
What you doing with him? Uh, it's just an idea he's had.
We've had.
Right.
Retro taxis.
It's a cab firm using classic 1970's cars.
Your Granada, Cortina Don't get a Cortina.
I had one once.
It was a money pit.
Yeah, doesn't have to be a Cortina.
Sump dropped off in Morecambe.
I had to get three trains home, on a bank holiday.
Forget the Cortina.
All I'm saying is, people, most normal people, would pay a little bit extra to have a ride in one of these babies.
How much extra? I don't know.
A quid.
I haven't done the maths, Lord Sugar Me and Loz think this is a good way of actually earning some money and we were hoping you would share our enthusiasm.
With regret I can't.
Forget it.
Really.
No, I mean, it could work, I suppose.
You'd have to get rear seatbelts fitted cos they didn't have 'em back then, did they? And air bags.
Catalytic converters to run on modern fuel.
And the numerous other advances in passenger safety standards required by law to obtain a minicab licence.
But, yeah, I'd pay an extra quid for that.
Charlie Starling? Yeah.
What is this guy playing at? Excuse me? Can I help you at all there, mate? I'm just having a little chat with your daughter.
I noticed.
Anything you need to say to her, you can say to me, OK? OK.
We're having trials for Derby County tomorrow.
Would you like to come along? Me? No, not you.
That's why I'm talking to Charlie here.
We like to talk to the kids first before the parents, as they can get over-excited and blow things out of all proportion.
My daughter gonna play for Derby County? Yeah, that sort of thing.
It's no big deal, I just think Charlie looked pretty good out today and we'd like to have a proper look at her if that's alright with you? I've already said yes, Dad.
That's Sounds acceptable.
So, where's Where are the trials? They're at the Matlock ground but all the Derby scouts will be there.
Few of the ex-players.
That kind of thing.
Dad? Dad? Yup, cool.
Well, that's tomorrow - trial for Derby County.
And it's no big deal.
Mutton and radish.
Aw, that's lovely! Fergie.
Finally.
I thought you'd forgotten.
I've had two breakfasts.
Yeah, I got caught up in the middle of something, lost track of time.
Forget about that.
Let's go and buy the first of our fleet.
Car one, Car one.
Are you POB? I am POB, base.
The P is trying to pay me extra cos he's riding in a bloody Retro Taxi.
Yeah, it is still a good idea.
It's not just good idea, it's a brilliant idea.
Listen, I was thinking if you can do some sort of funky logo we can establish us as a brand.
Just stop talking for a second.
I need to tell you something.
Oh, not changed your mind, have you? No, no, no.
Well, no, it's just that I've organised for us to get a lift.
That's brilliant.
Who with? Reuben? No.
Just Oh.
It's her, isn't it? It's Annika, yeah.
She wanted to come along.
What for? The rush? We're buying a second-hand car, not skiing on lava.
Don't be like that.
I thought today is a good opportunity for you and Annika to maybe get to know each other a little bit.
She is my new girlfriend and you're my mate.
Fine, she can come along.
But I tell you this now.
I am not playing gooseberry.
Hi! Hello.
It's Reuben and Annabelle.
Right.
We're here for counselling.
Yes.
I'm sorry.
I'm David Please.
Why don't you come through to the office? Who was it, Dave? Just a couple of clients.
They're still here.
Oh.
Take a pew and I'll grab a notepad and let's get you out of here.
Not that I'm trying to get rid of you.
He seems nice.
Did you purposely choose a man? What difference does that make? Well, hell take your side, won't he? Bell, please.
Can we just give this a go? We're running out of options.
This guy is a professional counsellor.
Fine.
Right? Counselling.
New gloves? Dad got them me.
They're fancy.
Yeah.
Think I'd rather wear my old ones, though.
I know where I am with those.
These don't really feel right, but Dad got them me especially.
He's all excited, isn't he? How are you feeling? It's just a trial, innit? Cos if it was me, I'd be terrified.
You've got those girls from other clubs who might be faster than you or bigger or probably better than you.
Then there's your dad running round telling all that his daughter's got a trial for Derby County Football Club.
I just want to play football, Granddad.
Good girl.
Good girl.
And I know you don't need it, but I will give you one bit of advice.
You wear whichever gloves you want.
I've started her a few times since Alan passed away but I could never bring myself to drive her.
I know it sounds silly but the smell of the leather reminded me of him.
So I've decided it's probably time to let her go.
You can see she's been well loved, Mrs Goddard.
This is fantastic.
Isn't it? Yeah.
And I've got all the log books and what-not.
How much is this car really worth to you, Mrs Goddard? I've got that covered, Annika.
We sorted a price on the phone.
Sure.
But Loz is putting in half the money.
I want to make sure everyone is happy.
They're ecstatic.
She's smiling, look.
Do you really want to sell her, Mrs Goddard? All the memories.
I bet you've had some fun times in this car? Oh, we did.
We got stuck in the sand at Southport once and the coast guard had to pull us out.
Lovely, lovely story It's not too late to change your mind, you know.
It probably is.
Isn't it, Loz? Feel free to chip in any time you want, mate.
Um, Annika.
I did sort of promise Fergie I'd do this.
Sort of? Wow.
It's just I'm not sure Mrs Goddard really wants to sell? Does it have a name? Rupert.
Rupert.
Loz, tell your girlfriend to stop talking.
This is the car we agreed on.
Yeah, I'm just not so sure now.
Annika might have a point.
She's got a nerve.
I don't know why she's here.
What's that supposed to mean? This was our idea.
We're meant to be doing this together.
I'm here.
Yes, but with her.
What difference does it make if she's here or not? No, I've changed my mind.
What's that? Spot the difference.
For what? Flights and tickets for a burlesque review in Vegas.
Garter belt's a different colour.
Nipple tassel there, not one there.
Dwarf's got his hat on, now he hasn't.
Thanks for the help.
My pleasure.
Do you think she's in the show or just on the website? Oh, she's your type, is she? She's every bloke's type in that get-up.
And there's me thinking you had more class than that.
God, no.
Oh, dear.
Is somebody getting a little bit jealous? Over a picture? No.
Who gets jealous over a picture? Ooh, Kevin Hector.
He is F-I-T.
I'd let him kick a love goal for me.
That doesn't make any Think he's a postman now anyway.
Oh, Steve Buckley.
The old Buckmeister.
What a hottie.
He was good defender.
But I think he would agree he's not blessed - Rodney McQueen.
King of my heart.
Now seriously, he was my hero.
You can do whatever you like with him.
Charming.
Come here.
There was only one woman for me and her name is Janice Marie Starling.
Hmm.
And there's only one man for me.
And his name is Steve Buckley.
Very funny.
Can't believe it, Jan.
In ten hours' time, our girl will be doing a trial for Derby County.
Don't get yourself too excited.
No, no.
I won't.
I won't.
Whatever will be will be.
Blimey, how many people are they looking at today? Here, do you want some of this? Jan? Jan Duckers? Yeah? It's me.
Lynn.
Oh, my Lord! Lynn Sadler? Yes! Hi! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh my God, that's shrill.
Lynn! This is my husband.
Terry Starling.
I'm a Starling now.
Hi.
It's so nice to meet you.
Hiya.
Lynn and I are old school friends.
Oh, yeah.
Not friends.
We were presidents of the Matlock Billy Idol Fan Club.
That must have kept you busy.
We were in a band.
Were you? I didn't know you were in a band.
You were in a band? Well, yeah.
For a week.
What are you doing? Have you got a daughter out there? No, I'm just here with my husband.
He used to play for Derby.
Did he? It was a long time ago.
Maybe he can put a word in for our youngest.
She's doing trials today.
I'd love to say yes but Rod has nothing to do with all that.
Rod? Yes, Rod.
Rodney McQueen.
OK, girls, settle down.
Lets have the rest of the blue bibs! 18 to 28.
I can speak for everyone at Derby County when I say that the girls' game is just as exciting as the normal game.
Rodney McQueen.
Thanks very much.
My pleasure.
My pleasure, mate.
Rod, this is my old friend, Jan.
And her husband Terry.
Lovely to meet you.
Did you get my prescription? In your bag.
What we doing next? Another radio and a photo.
Oh, when's that? About 20 minutes.
Do you drink, Tel? Yeah, I do.
Let the girls do the catch-up and all that.
There's a bottle of scotch behind that bar with our name on it.
Terry? Right.
Can I have the goalkeepers over here, please? You and you in the nets.
And you sit back down for now.
Don't worry, you'll get a game later.
Sorry, Tel.
Part of the job when you scored 150 goals for one club.
Blimey.
Next you'll tell me the name of my dog I had as a nipper.
Mr Tibley? I read your biography.
Yeah, the unauthorised one.
Is that Lidocaine? Hmm-mmm.
I used to be on them.
I'm on the old Amiodarone now.
Oh, yeah.
Lovely.
Can I just say I was at Wembley at the Cup Final, when you stepped up to take that penalty in injury time and I still can't believe how cool you were.
60,000 people holding their breath and you planted it in the corner.
Once the ball's on the spot, it's guts or glory time.
Guts or glory.
The game against Forest, when you got the ball, you bring it - Yeah, change the record, please.
Sorry.
You'll be sick of hearing it.
Yeah, I am.
So your daughter's having a trial, is she? Where does she play? Goalie.
Oh? Always need a good keeper.
How tall is she? Four foot ten.
Good one.
I mean, it don't really matter though, does it? As long as the girls get a kickabout.
Women's football, who really cares? That's not strictly fair.
What do you mean it's not fair? Course it's fair.
Tell me this.
What women's football team won last year's FA Cup final? Last year.
Yeah, last year.
Or any year.
Ever.
Er See, you don't know! You don't know.
And your daughter's a play- Hello, short stuff.
You want me to sign that for you, darling? Right, what's your name? Charlie.
This is my daughter I was telling you about.
Charlie, this is Rodney McQueen.
Cool.
Dad, I think I'm going to get the coach back with the girls.
Well, hold on, are you done? How did it go? Alright.
They said they'd be in touch.
That's fantastic.
Congratulations, Charlie girl.
You was brilliant out there between the sticks.
You owned it.
Marvellous Yeah, cheers.
See you later, Dad.
Oh, and by the way, it was Arsenal.
Eh? Who won the Women's FA Cup final last year.
Nice to meet you.
Put my foot in it, didn't I? Rod? I asked Jan and Terry back to ours for something to eat if that's OK? Yeah, lovely, smashing.
You fancy that, Tel? Alright, Gravy? Alright.
Yeah.
What you, er What you up to there? Oscar's got an eye infection.
Aw, poor little bloke.
Oh, no, don't come at him like that.
He'll have your finger off.
Oh, sorry, Oscar.
So, er, how are you, Fergie? Hmm, yeah, fine, fine, fine.
Just hold that for a sec, will you? Just pop that in there, try and avoid a lung.
Oh, right.
I see you're still upset.
Yeah.
Listen, Fergie, I think Annika was looking after my best interests.
By ruining our business idea.
What is your problem with her? Nothing.
Nothing.
I don't have a problem.
I've just met her type before.
What type? She's an "experience junkie".
You can't see it.
You're another little item on her "to do" list.
What are you talking about? Right in between swimming with dolphins and drinking peyote with a Arapaho Indian.
"Go out with a weirdy artist.
" I'm not weirdy.
You are a bit.
Oh, I see.
I can see exactly what's going on here.
You're jealous because I've taken a lover.
Taken a lover? What are you, a Jacobean barrister? You don't even sound like you.
Well, you wanna know what you sound like right now, Fergie? A little green-eyed monster.
Don't worry, Oscar.
He wasn't talking about you.
How old is she? Seventeen.
They don't normally live past 14 years but she just keeps hanging on.
Lovely breed, though, aren't they? Hiya, darling.
You been chasing hares? Don't waste your time, Tel.
She's deaf as a post and half blind.
Got a cyst the size of a ping-pong ball behind her right eye.
Vet said we should have her put down but I can't bring myself to do it.
£200 he wants.
How long's dinner gonna be? Um, half an hour, an hour.
I dunno.
It's pork.
Oh.
Right, me and Tel gonna pop down the Swan for a quick one.
Terry? Won't be long.
Parky, innit? British summertime.
I've ruined it, Granddad.
I've ruined it.
I got so hung up on the idea of trying to make him suffer, I've just ended up hurting myself.
I wish I could forgive him but I can't.
It's like there's a stone in my shoe and it won't go away.
But if I don't find a way to forgive him, he's gone and I'm on my own.
You're not on your own.
Bell? Yeah.
Loz? Yeah.
You wanna go first? Loz's new girlfriend.
I don't trust her and I don't think she's right for him.
Bad news.
Your turn.
Me and Bell broke up earlier.
What, again? No.
Properly this time.
It's finished, for good.
She had a gut feeling.
She let it fester.
We weren't allowed to talk about it.
There was only ever going to be one outcome.
Don't let that happen to you and Loz.
Go and talk to him.
Nah, he'll be with her won't he.
Even better.
You're going to have to accept her, Fergie.
I don't even know where they are.
I do.
Loz gave me this earlier.
Oh, God.
Fancy a little trip to the theatre? No.
I'm gonna stay here and get smashed.
"Kayleigh and the legend that is Mr Rodney McQueen!" She's a florist during the week.
I thought we were going to The Swan.
Swan closed down years ago.
It's just what I tell Lynn.
What they don't know won't hurt them, eh, Tel? Well Right, Terry.
We'd better make a move.
They'll be wondering where we got to.
Follow me.
Hello, Yazz.
This is my good friend Terry.
Diamond, Terry Diamond.
Really nice to meet you.
Great great hair.
Who is it? It's Rodney.
What do you want? Just wondered if there was a hand on.
Wait there.
Here, before we get in, you couldn't spot us £100.
I'll pay it back later.
N, no, I'm sorry, I'm drawing the line there.
I'm a happily married man.
I'm not into this and I'm certainly not lending you money for a hand on.
We should go.
What sort of bloke do you think I am? Not a word to Lynn.
Nothing like that.
Just wanna see an old mate.
I fell from heaven yesterday.
Your move, Rodney.
What's it to be? Cards face down, I'm afraid, gentleman.
I have to take this.
What's happening? I've got a grand's worth of chips.
Brilliant.
Lets cash them in and go.
No, I've got three bullets.
I don't even know what that means.
Three aces.
Maybe he's got four.
Four? There's only four in the pack.
Maybe he's got four kings - I've been playing Ken for 20 years.
Whenever he's got anything remotely tasty, he fiddles with his earhole.
I've been watching him like a hawk.
He's got nothing.
No, no.
I think we should go - Terry.
It's the Cup Final at Wembley.
I've put the ball on the spot.
There's no turning back.
Guts or glory time.
Guts or glory.
Apologies, gents.
So, Rodney.
Are you in or out? I'm all in.
You see, that's what I like about you, Rodney.
Fearless.
Oh.
Have a look at those.
Oh, my Lord.
Look at the state of us.
I think we look great.
Oh, my God.
What was his name? Look, the one with the glasses? Michael Ross That's right.
Cheryl Drury, Amanda Kelly Bitch.
Bitch.
Clare Saunders, Anthony Welland.
How do you remember all their names? Come on, how can you forget 5B? That there was the coolest class ever.
And it was the best looking.
Cos that class had Paul Stokes in it.
Oh, lovely, lovely Paul Stokes.
He taught me how to French kiss behind the big bins.
And he went on to play for Stalybridge.
Could have been you married to a footballer.
Yeah, I know.
Look! The school German exchange.
I still can't believe we did that.
What, Operation King Rocker? We must have been mad.
Two 16-year-old girls bunking off school and hitch-hiking through the Black Forest.
But it was worth it, though, wasn't it? To see Billy Idol.
Oh! We did whatever we liked in those days.
We were young, impulsive, we were free.
I'm leaving him, Jan.
What? Whoo! Whoo! An end? Alright? What you doing here? If you've come for another row, Fergie, you're wasting your time.
No, I thought I'd come to try and appreciate Who is that girl? What girl? The angel, the fairy, the thing on the swing.
Whatever it was.
Her name's Flora.
She's a friend of Annika's.
Why have you come here, Fergie? Well, um, I came to do the old olive branch thing but I've just seen something slightly weird and a bit confusing.
It's called avant garde theatre No, I'm not talking about the play.
When Flora came off stage she kind of touched Annika in a bit of a sort of a dirty way.
What are you implying, Fergie? She's two-timing me with an actress now? No! No! I'm just telling you what I saw.
It's got nothing to do with you! Alright.
OK.
So where does this leave Retro Taxis? I don't know.
In some half-formed recess at the back of your mind.
Retro Taxis? It's not even an idea.
You've just put two words together.
Haven't you? Anyone can do that - future slide, thumb watch, llama cathedral.
See? You're an idiot, Fergie, and I want you to I want you to just leave me alone.
Leave it, leave it! I want you, McQueen! You switched the cards! You cheated Cheated! You switched the cards.
I want my money! Rodney! Calm down.
You've got to calm down.
They're not going to let you back in.
I want my money! Rodney! Calm down.
I need that money.
I can't believe it! What was this? Oh, you had to be there.
Where's there? Cambodia.
We ate at a snake restaurant.
While we were on mushrooms! Wow.
You'd think a snake restaurant would be weird enough.
Did you tell him about Borabadour? Oh, God.
Three-day trek to see this temple and when we got there there was a restaurant with a band that played Oasis songs! Oh, no.
Ticked that one off, though.
Yep.
Did what? Ticked it off our list.
Didn't we, baby? Yeah.
Oh.
What's the matter? What's happening now? When? Just then with the Us kissing? Oh, God.
You're not worried about that, are you, Loz? Uh Little bit.
Are you jealous? I mean, if anyone should be jealous it's me.
We've been together since we were 18.
Sorry, so are you two an item? Loz, Flora's the love of my life.
Always has been, always will be.
So what does that make me? You're my boyfriend.
Right Yeah, I might just go to the Go home I can see that X-ray like it was yesterday.
28 years old and I'm on the scrap heap.
What's left for a bloke whose only skill is kicking a ball around a football pitch? I tried me hand at investing in this, putting of money into that.
Thought I might get a result.
I never got a result, not once.
Now it's all gone.
I'm 55 years old and I've got nothing.
Can I give you a bit of advice? Looks like you're going to anyway.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Eh? Most blokes'd give their right arm to have had the life you've had.
You were a professional footballer.
You played for the club I love.
You drank brown ale out of the Cup on top of an open-decked bus with your bloody arm around Miss Venezuela.
And I know, cos I spent hours in the piddling rain just to catch a glimpse of you.
Week in, week out, stood on those terraces with thousands of other people just chanting your name.
D'you know how many people chant my name when I turn up for work? None.
That's how many.
You live in a big house, you've got a lovely wife and you're still not happy.
Life's short.
Take a step back, have a look at what you've got.
Now stop your moaning.
Because we are going home to our wives.
'Ere, Tel? You ever thought about a career in football management? Somebody order a Retro Taxi? Need a lift? No, thanks.
Look.
Listen Maybe I did jump to conclusions about Annika.
And, you know, I'm sorry.
No need to apologise.
You were right.
Happy now? Hang on.
Hang on.
I was right? Yeah.
I was just another Annika project.
Weirdy artist? I'm not weirdy.
In a good way.
This is a pretty sweet ride.
Yeah.
When did you get this? About half an hour ago.
And the bloke paid me £50 to take it away.
How good's that? The business is turning a profit.
They keep doing that.
Listen, about earlier, I'm sorry too, Fergie.
I should never have shouted at you like that.
That's alright.
I actually thought a llama cathedral was quite a good idea.
Come on, mate.
Get in.
Yeah, the handle don't work.
Kick it at the bottom.
There, you're in.
What do you reckon? Yeah, lovely.
Full-service history.
Really? No.
It's not even got a working handbrake.
Come on.
Let's go.
Thanks again, Tel.
No problem.
First thing Monday I'll phone the club, put a word in for Charlie.
Not sure I want her to be a footballer any more.
Hmm.
I love you so much.
What, even more than you love Rodney McQueen? Way more.
Tow truck's going to cost us 80 quid.
Push it in the bushes? Yeah.
Hello again.
You came into my shop yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Hello.
Do you mind if I sit here with you? Friends have blown me out and I'm all on my own.
Unless you're waiting for your girlfriend? I haven't got a girlfriend.
So £50 for me £50 and for you.
I don't feel comfortable with all of this, Fergie.
I've got to tell someone.
Just going down the job centre.
What for? Dad, don't turn round.
Eh? Oh, my God.
He just died.
Fire.
This girl has magic in her hands.
Hello, Reuben.
So which direction's camp? I've got no idea.
This was all your idea, Fergie.
You wanted to go wild camping.
But I didn't know it was her, did I? Happy anniversary.
Come on, girls! Come on, girls! Charlie! On your toes! Oh! Good stop.
Who are ya! Who are ya! Who are ya! Who are ya! Dad? You're doing that thing again.
The shouty thing.
Am I? Sorry.
Sorry everyone.
Sorry.
Come on, Charlie.
Pass and move.
Come on, girls! I'm going to get a soup.
D'you want one? Er, where are we this week? Erm, the Soloman Islands? Yeah.
Could be Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Just get me the least weird soup that you can.
I'll do what I can.
Come on, girls! That your daughter in goal? Yes.
Yes, it is.
She's having a good game.
Always does.
What's her name? Uh, Charlie.
Charlie Starling.
How old is she? She's sixteen.
Good.
Are you one of the other dads? No, no.
God, no.
How do you feel after that? Sort of dead.
You mean alive, right? How far did we ride? No distance.
About twenty clicks.
How are the thighs? I bet they really burn.
I can't actually feel them, to be honest.
Or this arm.
Yep, I remember that feeling from when I did the Ten Tors in Dartmoor.
Really opens your neural pathways.
Fantastic for the immune system.
Since I started doing this, I haven't had a single cold sore.
Not one.
Kiss me.
Yeah.
Let's drive to the coast and go Climming.
Climming? What's that? Cliff swimming.
then fight your way back to shore.
It's a complete rush.
Oh, sounds amazing.
I'd love to, Annika, but I've sort of promised Fergie I'd do something with him.
Oh.
What you doing with him? Uh, it's just an idea he's had.
We've had.
Right.
Retro taxis.
It's a cab firm using classic 1970's cars.
Your Granada, Cortina Don't get a Cortina.
I had one once.
It was a money pit.
Yeah, doesn't have to be a Cortina.
Sump dropped off in Morecambe.
I had to get three trains home, on a bank holiday.
Forget the Cortina.
All I'm saying is, people, most normal people, would pay a little bit extra to have a ride in one of these babies.
How much extra? I don't know.
A quid.
I haven't done the maths, Lord Sugar Me and Loz think this is a good way of actually earning some money and we were hoping you would share our enthusiasm.
With regret I can't.
Forget it.
Really.
No, I mean, it could work, I suppose.
You'd have to get rear seatbelts fitted cos they didn't have 'em back then, did they? And air bags.
Catalytic converters to run on modern fuel.
And the numerous other advances in passenger safety standards required by law to obtain a minicab licence.
But, yeah, I'd pay an extra quid for that.
Charlie Starling? Yeah.
What is this guy playing at? Excuse me? Can I help you at all there, mate? I'm just having a little chat with your daughter.
I noticed.
Anything you need to say to her, you can say to me, OK? OK.
We're having trials for Derby County tomorrow.
Would you like to come along? Me? No, not you.
That's why I'm talking to Charlie here.
We like to talk to the kids first before the parents, as they can get over-excited and blow things out of all proportion.
My daughter gonna play for Derby County? Yeah, that sort of thing.
It's no big deal, I just think Charlie looked pretty good out today and we'd like to have a proper look at her if that's alright with you? I've already said yes, Dad.
That's Sounds acceptable.
So, where's Where are the trials? They're at the Matlock ground but all the Derby scouts will be there.
Few of the ex-players.
That kind of thing.
Dad? Dad? Yup, cool.
Well, that's tomorrow - trial for Derby County.
And it's no big deal.
Mutton and radish.
Aw, that's lovely! Fergie.
Finally.
I thought you'd forgotten.
I've had two breakfasts.
Yeah, I got caught up in the middle of something, lost track of time.
Forget about that.
Let's go and buy the first of our fleet.
Car one, Car one.
Are you POB? I am POB, base.
The P is trying to pay me extra cos he's riding in a bloody Retro Taxi.
Yeah, it is still a good idea.
It's not just good idea, it's a brilliant idea.
Listen, I was thinking if you can do some sort of funky logo we can establish us as a brand.
Just stop talking for a second.
I need to tell you something.
Oh, not changed your mind, have you? No, no, no.
Well, no, it's just that I've organised for us to get a lift.
That's brilliant.
Who with? Reuben? No.
Just Oh.
It's her, isn't it? It's Annika, yeah.
She wanted to come along.
What for? The rush? We're buying a second-hand car, not skiing on lava.
Don't be like that.
I thought today is a good opportunity for you and Annika to maybe get to know each other a little bit.
She is my new girlfriend and you're my mate.
Fine, she can come along.
But I tell you this now.
I am not playing gooseberry.
Hi! Hello.
It's Reuben and Annabelle.
Right.
We're here for counselling.
Yes.
I'm sorry.
I'm David Please.
Why don't you come through to the office? Who was it, Dave? Just a couple of clients.
They're still here.
Oh.
Take a pew and I'll grab a notepad and let's get you out of here.
Not that I'm trying to get rid of you.
He seems nice.
Did you purposely choose a man? What difference does that make? Well, hell take your side, won't he? Bell, please.
Can we just give this a go? We're running out of options.
This guy is a professional counsellor.
Fine.
Right? Counselling.
New gloves? Dad got them me.
They're fancy.
Yeah.
Think I'd rather wear my old ones, though.
I know where I am with those.
These don't really feel right, but Dad got them me especially.
He's all excited, isn't he? How are you feeling? It's just a trial, innit? Cos if it was me, I'd be terrified.
You've got those girls from other clubs who might be faster than you or bigger or probably better than you.
Then there's your dad running round telling all that his daughter's got a trial for Derby County Football Club.
I just want to play football, Granddad.
Good girl.
Good girl.
And I know you don't need it, but I will give you one bit of advice.
You wear whichever gloves you want.
I've started her a few times since Alan passed away but I could never bring myself to drive her.
I know it sounds silly but the smell of the leather reminded me of him.
So I've decided it's probably time to let her go.
You can see she's been well loved, Mrs Goddard.
This is fantastic.
Isn't it? Yeah.
And I've got all the log books and what-not.
How much is this car really worth to you, Mrs Goddard? I've got that covered, Annika.
We sorted a price on the phone.
Sure.
But Loz is putting in half the money.
I want to make sure everyone is happy.
They're ecstatic.
She's smiling, look.
Do you really want to sell her, Mrs Goddard? All the memories.
I bet you've had some fun times in this car? Oh, we did.
We got stuck in the sand at Southport once and the coast guard had to pull us out.
Lovely, lovely story It's not too late to change your mind, you know.
It probably is.
Isn't it, Loz? Feel free to chip in any time you want, mate.
Um, Annika.
I did sort of promise Fergie I'd do this.
Sort of? Wow.
It's just I'm not sure Mrs Goddard really wants to sell? Does it have a name? Rupert.
Rupert.
Loz, tell your girlfriend to stop talking.
This is the car we agreed on.
Yeah, I'm just not so sure now.
Annika might have a point.
She's got a nerve.
I don't know why she's here.
What's that supposed to mean? This was our idea.
We're meant to be doing this together.
I'm here.
Yes, but with her.
What difference does it make if she's here or not? No, I've changed my mind.
What's that? Spot the difference.
For what? Flights and tickets for a burlesque review in Vegas.
Garter belt's a different colour.
Nipple tassel there, not one there.
Dwarf's got his hat on, now he hasn't.
Thanks for the help.
My pleasure.
Do you think she's in the show or just on the website? Oh, she's your type, is she? She's every bloke's type in that get-up.
And there's me thinking you had more class than that.
God, no.
Oh, dear.
Is somebody getting a little bit jealous? Over a picture? No.
Who gets jealous over a picture? Ooh, Kevin Hector.
He is F-I-T.
I'd let him kick a love goal for me.
That doesn't make any Think he's a postman now anyway.
Oh, Steve Buckley.
The old Buckmeister.
What a hottie.
He was good defender.
But I think he would agree he's not blessed - Rodney McQueen.
King of my heart.
Now seriously, he was my hero.
You can do whatever you like with him.
Charming.
Come here.
There was only one woman for me and her name is Janice Marie Starling.
Hmm.
And there's only one man for me.
And his name is Steve Buckley.
Very funny.
Can't believe it, Jan.
In ten hours' time, our girl will be doing a trial for Derby County.
Don't get yourself too excited.
No, no.
I won't.
I won't.
Whatever will be will be.
Blimey, how many people are they looking at today? Here, do you want some of this? Jan? Jan Duckers? Yeah? It's me.
Lynn.
Oh, my Lord! Lynn Sadler? Yes! Hi! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh my God, that's shrill.
Lynn! This is my husband.
Terry Starling.
I'm a Starling now.
Hi.
It's so nice to meet you.
Hiya.
Lynn and I are old school friends.
Oh, yeah.
Not friends.
We were presidents of the Matlock Billy Idol Fan Club.
That must have kept you busy.
We were in a band.
Were you? I didn't know you were in a band.
You were in a band? Well, yeah.
For a week.
What are you doing? Have you got a daughter out there? No, I'm just here with my husband.
He used to play for Derby.
Did he? It was a long time ago.
Maybe he can put a word in for our youngest.
She's doing trials today.
I'd love to say yes but Rod has nothing to do with all that.
Rod? Yes, Rod.
Rodney McQueen.
OK, girls, settle down.
Lets have the rest of the blue bibs! 18 to 28.
I can speak for everyone at Derby County when I say that the girls' game is just as exciting as the normal game.
Rodney McQueen.
Thanks very much.
My pleasure.
My pleasure, mate.
Rod, this is my old friend, Jan.
And her husband Terry.
Lovely to meet you.
Did you get my prescription? In your bag.
What we doing next? Another radio and a photo.
Oh, when's that? About 20 minutes.
Do you drink, Tel? Yeah, I do.
Let the girls do the catch-up and all that.
There's a bottle of scotch behind that bar with our name on it.
Terry? Right.
Can I have the goalkeepers over here, please? You and you in the nets.
And you sit back down for now.
Don't worry, you'll get a game later.
Sorry, Tel.
Part of the job when you scored 150 goals for one club.
Blimey.
Next you'll tell me the name of my dog I had as a nipper.
Mr Tibley? I read your biography.
Yeah, the unauthorised one.
Is that Lidocaine? Hmm-mmm.
I used to be on them.
I'm on the old Amiodarone now.
Oh, yeah.
Lovely.
Can I just say I was at Wembley at the Cup Final, when you stepped up to take that penalty in injury time and I still can't believe how cool you were.
60,000 people holding their breath and you planted it in the corner.
Once the ball's on the spot, it's guts or glory time.
Guts or glory.
The game against Forest, when you got the ball, you bring it - Yeah, change the record, please.
Sorry.
You'll be sick of hearing it.
Yeah, I am.
So your daughter's having a trial, is she? Where does she play? Goalie.
Oh? Always need a good keeper.
How tall is she? Four foot ten.
Good one.
I mean, it don't really matter though, does it? As long as the girls get a kickabout.
Women's football, who really cares? That's not strictly fair.
What do you mean it's not fair? Course it's fair.
Tell me this.
What women's football team won last year's FA Cup final? Last year.
Yeah, last year.
Or any year.
Ever.
Er See, you don't know! You don't know.
And your daughter's a play- Hello, short stuff.
You want me to sign that for you, darling? Right, what's your name? Charlie.
This is my daughter I was telling you about.
Charlie, this is Rodney McQueen.
Cool.
Dad, I think I'm going to get the coach back with the girls.
Well, hold on, are you done? How did it go? Alright.
They said they'd be in touch.
That's fantastic.
Congratulations, Charlie girl.
You was brilliant out there between the sticks.
You owned it.
Marvellous Yeah, cheers.
See you later, Dad.
Oh, and by the way, it was Arsenal.
Eh? Who won the Women's FA Cup final last year.
Nice to meet you.
Put my foot in it, didn't I? Rod? I asked Jan and Terry back to ours for something to eat if that's OK? Yeah, lovely, smashing.
You fancy that, Tel? Alright, Gravy? Alright.
Yeah.
What you, er What you up to there? Oscar's got an eye infection.
Aw, poor little bloke.
Oh, no, don't come at him like that.
He'll have your finger off.
Oh, sorry, Oscar.
So, er, how are you, Fergie? Hmm, yeah, fine, fine, fine.
Just hold that for a sec, will you? Just pop that in there, try and avoid a lung.
Oh, right.
I see you're still upset.
Yeah.
Listen, Fergie, I think Annika was looking after my best interests.
By ruining our business idea.
What is your problem with her? Nothing.
Nothing.
I don't have a problem.
I've just met her type before.
What type? She's an "experience junkie".
You can't see it.
You're another little item on her "to do" list.
What are you talking about? Right in between swimming with dolphins and drinking peyote with a Arapaho Indian.
"Go out with a weirdy artist.
" I'm not weirdy.
You are a bit.
Oh, I see.
I can see exactly what's going on here.
You're jealous because I've taken a lover.
Taken a lover? What are you, a Jacobean barrister? You don't even sound like you.
Well, you wanna know what you sound like right now, Fergie? A little green-eyed monster.
Don't worry, Oscar.
He wasn't talking about you.
How old is she? Seventeen.
They don't normally live past 14 years but she just keeps hanging on.
Lovely breed, though, aren't they? Hiya, darling.
You been chasing hares? Don't waste your time, Tel.
She's deaf as a post and half blind.
Got a cyst the size of a ping-pong ball behind her right eye.
Vet said we should have her put down but I can't bring myself to do it.
£200 he wants.
How long's dinner gonna be? Um, half an hour, an hour.
I dunno.
It's pork.
Oh.
Right, me and Tel gonna pop down the Swan for a quick one.
Terry? Won't be long.
Parky, innit? British summertime.
I've ruined it, Granddad.
I've ruined it.
I got so hung up on the idea of trying to make him suffer, I've just ended up hurting myself.
I wish I could forgive him but I can't.
It's like there's a stone in my shoe and it won't go away.
But if I don't find a way to forgive him, he's gone and I'm on my own.
You're not on your own.
Bell? Yeah.
Loz? Yeah.
You wanna go first? Loz's new girlfriend.
I don't trust her and I don't think she's right for him.
Bad news.
Your turn.
Me and Bell broke up earlier.
What, again? No.
Properly this time.
It's finished, for good.
She had a gut feeling.
She let it fester.
We weren't allowed to talk about it.
There was only ever going to be one outcome.
Don't let that happen to you and Loz.
Go and talk to him.
Nah, he'll be with her won't he.
Even better.
You're going to have to accept her, Fergie.
I don't even know where they are.
I do.
Loz gave me this earlier.
Oh, God.
Fancy a little trip to the theatre? No.
I'm gonna stay here and get smashed.
"Kayleigh and the legend that is Mr Rodney McQueen!" She's a florist during the week.
I thought we were going to The Swan.
Swan closed down years ago.
It's just what I tell Lynn.
What they don't know won't hurt them, eh, Tel? Well Right, Terry.
We'd better make a move.
They'll be wondering where we got to.
Follow me.
Hello, Yazz.
This is my good friend Terry.
Diamond, Terry Diamond.
Really nice to meet you.
Great great hair.
Who is it? It's Rodney.
What do you want? Just wondered if there was a hand on.
Wait there.
Here, before we get in, you couldn't spot us £100.
I'll pay it back later.
N, no, I'm sorry, I'm drawing the line there.
I'm a happily married man.
I'm not into this and I'm certainly not lending you money for a hand on.
We should go.
What sort of bloke do you think I am? Not a word to Lynn.
Nothing like that.
Just wanna see an old mate.
I fell from heaven yesterday.
Your move, Rodney.
What's it to be? Cards face down, I'm afraid, gentleman.
I have to take this.
What's happening? I've got a grand's worth of chips.
Brilliant.
Lets cash them in and go.
No, I've got three bullets.
I don't even know what that means.
Three aces.
Maybe he's got four.
Four? There's only four in the pack.
Maybe he's got four kings - I've been playing Ken for 20 years.
Whenever he's got anything remotely tasty, he fiddles with his earhole.
I've been watching him like a hawk.
He's got nothing.
No, no.
I think we should go - Terry.
It's the Cup Final at Wembley.
I've put the ball on the spot.
There's no turning back.
Guts or glory time.
Guts or glory.
Apologies, gents.
So, Rodney.
Are you in or out? I'm all in.
You see, that's what I like about you, Rodney.
Fearless.
Oh.
Have a look at those.
Oh, my Lord.
Look at the state of us.
I think we look great.
Oh, my God.
What was his name? Look, the one with the glasses? Michael Ross That's right.
Cheryl Drury, Amanda Kelly Bitch.
Bitch.
Clare Saunders, Anthony Welland.
How do you remember all their names? Come on, how can you forget 5B? That there was the coolest class ever.
And it was the best looking.
Cos that class had Paul Stokes in it.
Oh, lovely, lovely Paul Stokes.
He taught me how to French kiss behind the big bins.
And he went on to play for Stalybridge.
Could have been you married to a footballer.
Yeah, I know.
Look! The school German exchange.
I still can't believe we did that.
What, Operation King Rocker? We must have been mad.
Two 16-year-old girls bunking off school and hitch-hiking through the Black Forest.
But it was worth it, though, wasn't it? To see Billy Idol.
Oh! We did whatever we liked in those days.
We were young, impulsive, we were free.
I'm leaving him, Jan.
What? Whoo! Whoo! An end? Alright? What you doing here? If you've come for another row, Fergie, you're wasting your time.
No, I thought I'd come to try and appreciate Who is that girl? What girl? The angel, the fairy, the thing on the swing.
Whatever it was.
Her name's Flora.
She's a friend of Annika's.
Why have you come here, Fergie? Well, um, I came to do the old olive branch thing but I've just seen something slightly weird and a bit confusing.
It's called avant garde theatre No, I'm not talking about the play.
When Flora came off stage she kind of touched Annika in a bit of a sort of a dirty way.
What are you implying, Fergie? She's two-timing me with an actress now? No! No! I'm just telling you what I saw.
It's got nothing to do with you! Alright.
OK.
So where does this leave Retro Taxis? I don't know.
In some half-formed recess at the back of your mind.
Retro Taxis? It's not even an idea.
You've just put two words together.
Haven't you? Anyone can do that - future slide, thumb watch, llama cathedral.
See? You're an idiot, Fergie, and I want you to I want you to just leave me alone.
Leave it, leave it! I want you, McQueen! You switched the cards! You cheated Cheated! You switched the cards.
I want my money! Rodney! Calm down.
You've got to calm down.
They're not going to let you back in.
I want my money! Rodney! Calm down.
I need that money.
I can't believe it! What was this? Oh, you had to be there.
Where's there? Cambodia.
We ate at a snake restaurant.
While we were on mushrooms! Wow.
You'd think a snake restaurant would be weird enough.
Did you tell him about Borabadour? Oh, God.
Three-day trek to see this temple and when we got there there was a restaurant with a band that played Oasis songs! Oh, no.
Ticked that one off, though.
Yep.
Did what? Ticked it off our list.
Didn't we, baby? Yeah.
Oh.
What's the matter? What's happening now? When? Just then with the Us kissing? Oh, God.
You're not worried about that, are you, Loz? Uh Little bit.
Are you jealous? I mean, if anyone should be jealous it's me.
We've been together since we were 18.
Sorry, so are you two an item? Loz, Flora's the love of my life.
Always has been, always will be.
So what does that make me? You're my boyfriend.
Right Yeah, I might just go to the Go home I can see that X-ray like it was yesterday.
28 years old and I'm on the scrap heap.
What's left for a bloke whose only skill is kicking a ball around a football pitch? I tried me hand at investing in this, putting of money into that.
Thought I might get a result.
I never got a result, not once.
Now it's all gone.
I'm 55 years old and I've got nothing.
Can I give you a bit of advice? Looks like you're going to anyway.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Eh? Most blokes'd give their right arm to have had the life you've had.
You were a professional footballer.
You played for the club I love.
You drank brown ale out of the Cup on top of an open-decked bus with your bloody arm around Miss Venezuela.
And I know, cos I spent hours in the piddling rain just to catch a glimpse of you.
Week in, week out, stood on those terraces with thousands of other people just chanting your name.
D'you know how many people chant my name when I turn up for work? None.
That's how many.
You live in a big house, you've got a lovely wife and you're still not happy.
Life's short.
Take a step back, have a look at what you've got.
Now stop your moaning.
Because we are going home to our wives.
'Ere, Tel? You ever thought about a career in football management? Somebody order a Retro Taxi? Need a lift? No, thanks.
Look.
Listen Maybe I did jump to conclusions about Annika.
And, you know, I'm sorry.
No need to apologise.
You were right.
Happy now? Hang on.
Hang on.
I was right? Yeah.
I was just another Annika project.
Weirdy artist? I'm not weirdy.
In a good way.
This is a pretty sweet ride.
Yeah.
When did you get this? About half an hour ago.
And the bloke paid me £50 to take it away.
How good's that? The business is turning a profit.
They keep doing that.
Listen, about earlier, I'm sorry too, Fergie.
I should never have shouted at you like that.
That's alright.
I actually thought a llama cathedral was quite a good idea.
Come on, mate.
Get in.
Yeah, the handle don't work.
Kick it at the bottom.
There, you're in.
What do you reckon? Yeah, lovely.
Full-service history.
Really? No.
It's not even got a working handbrake.
Come on.
Let's go.
Thanks again, Tel.
No problem.
First thing Monday I'll phone the club, put a word in for Charlie.
Not sure I want her to be a footballer any more.
Hmm.
I love you so much.
What, even more than you love Rodney McQueen? Way more.
Tow truck's going to cost us 80 quid.
Push it in the bushes? Yeah.
Hello again.
You came into my shop yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Hello.
Do you mind if I sit here with you? Friends have blown me out and I'm all on my own.
Unless you're waiting for your girlfriend? I haven't got a girlfriend.
So £50 for me £50 and for you.
I don't feel comfortable with all of this, Fergie.
I've got to tell someone.
Just going down the job centre.
What for? Dad, don't turn round.
Eh? Oh, my God.
He just died.
Fire.