State of the Union (2019) s01e07 Episode Script
Call the Midwife
TOM: Gomorr Gomorrah'd.
She got Gomorrah'd.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
Fucking thing.
Oh, I needed that.
- Who is it today? - Arachne.
Looks like you're getting on okay.
Yeah, not too bad.
I'm just I hate having to do the crossword on a bloody A4.
It's always wet or bumpy.
Why have you printed it out? Why aren't you doing it in the newspaper? You've got our newspaper.
- Are you serious? - You know you have.
It's not our newspaper, is it? It's just a newspaper.
Why don't you buy another one? You know that they cost two quid now, don't you? That'd be four quid a day.
Except it's not four quid a day because we're separate people.
We don't live together.
Might as well add up all the money your friends spend on the Guardian - and say it's 50 quid a day.
- More like six.
Oh, for God's sakes.
You've got hundreds of friends.
Lots of friends.
Now, look, how about this? If you move back in, don't buy a second paper.
Oh, my God, how is this about our marriage? How come every conversation ends up at our marriage? I thought that a stupid printout of a crossword was safe ground.
- You've never heard of subtext? - Yes, but I think you're reading too much into it, as my mother used to say when I talked to her about Bob Dylan.
- Was she right or wrong? - She was wrong.
I'm right.
Sometimes a crossword is just a crossword and it's hard to do when the paper gets wet.
This conversation could have gone an entirely different way.
For instance? You could have not mentioned the wet paper.
Well, I wouldn't have, had I known that complaining about the wet paper, and Believe me.
I know it's not a frivolous complaint.
If I had known that complaining about the wet paper was gonna turn into the opening scene of a Bergman film.
Shall we just start this again? - That's better.
- Now the fucking ink's blotchy.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Have I gone wrong already? - Yes.
How? I wanted you to ask me what sort of day I've had.
How was I supposed to know that? What sort of day have you had? - It's too late now.
- Oh.
Have you noticed how we only seem to be able to talk - about the last few seconds? - That's not true.
Is it? Yes.
We start talking and then somebody says the wrong thing.
Then we spend the rest of the time talking about the wrong thing somebody said.
Happens in here, it happens in counseling.
We always come out in exactly the same place we went in.
Or a little further back, usually.
- Well, how do we stop that? - I don't know.
What happened last week? I can't remember.
I remember we were having a conversation about our future spouses, which we both rather enjoyed.
Then what? Oh, she asked us how the week had been.
Yeah, she always does that.
Yes, and then Did we have the argument about the cost of the cat's anti-depressants? Or was that the week before? Oh, my God, it was Call the Midwife.
Oh, yes.
- That didn't get us very far.
- Well, I thought it was useful.
In what way? Well, she interrupted you a couple of times to let me finish.
You never let me finish.
So it taught me the value of counseling in safe spaces.
I only interrupt when you talk about Call the Midwife because there's no end to your loathing.
You know, I quite enjoy it.
I find it rather relaxing.
- Well, you shouldn't.
- I shouldn't? Why can't you find the films of Preston Sturges relaxing? - Can I make a confession? - Within reason.
I don't really like black and white movies.
I mean, I can see that they're good, some of them.
But I just There's something about them that feels a bit like eating your greens.
- The Palm Beach Story? - Yes.
- Maltese Falcon? - Yes.
- Jules et Jim? - Yes.
I feel I'm worried.
I'm worried here that you're gonna name every black and white film ever made - and I'm gonna say yes to all of them.
- Oh, my God, I just I had no idea.
I'm just not a critic.
You know? I like what I like.
You like what you like? Oh, man.
I mean, I just never thought I'd end up with someone who would say that and mean it.
I mean, what does that make me? I don't know.
Maybe you're reading too much into it.
But this is the trouble.
Marriage is like a computer.
You open it up to see what's inside and then you're left with a million little bits.
Yeah, but how about this? We shove the big parts back in, chuck all the small ones away, close it up and get on with things.
- But it won't work.
- It won't work - but it will look like a computer.
- Is that what you're after? You're after marriage that looks like a marriage but won't function? It might be better than the one I've got now.
Because at the moment I have a husband who won't sleep with me and lives somewhere else.
I might as well tell everyone I'm married to Brad Pitt.
Okay, well, good luck getting him to watch Call the bloody Midwife.
He doesn't have to watch it.
He just has to not bang on about how much he hates it.
Okay, we're drifting off the subject.
Shall we do a couple of crossword clues before we go in as a kind of morale-boosting exercise? Oh, God, that's wet.
That's a bit annoying.
Um "Game of cricket put strain on marriage".
- Test match.
- That's a pretty easy one.
I usually leave those till the end.
Remember we're team-building, not point-scoring.
Okay.
"Party touring Russian capital to shared bed.
" Are you just picking out the clues about marriage? No.
Shared bed doesn't mean marriage.
- As we now know.
- okay, let's do another one.
Right, 12 across.
We need that one.
"Rogue caught mate dividing loot.
" - Ignore the word "mate".
- Oh, no, I can't.
It's a crossword.
Begins with S, ends with G.
Okay, well, loot is swag.
- So - Scallywag.
Scallywag.
Ally in the swag.
Oh, all right.
Good.
Morale boosted, team rebuilt.
Shall we actually make a plan for this evening's session? Let's not go in there and start arguing about something completely bloody irrelevant.
Let's go in with an agenda.
What are the big pieces that we want to shove back into the computer? I don't even know if computers have big pieces.
Well, they must.
They must.
I mean, there's batteries and valves and, um Not microchips.
They're small.
You know, I could take apart that dead computer at the house.
I could bring it home after I've had dinner with the boys.
Would that be a good use of your time? I mean, as good as anything else.
I hate you not having anything to do.
Oh, thank you.
So do I.
I suppose I meant it sympathetically, but also I I just I find it embarrassing.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
You haven't started that biography yet? I'm still researching.
I may need to go to Cabo Verde.
So, where your guy came from? What was his name again? Horace Silver.
Really? I thought you decided on someone else in the end.
- Turned out to not be the end.
- Right.
So, Horace came from Cabo Verde? No, his Dad.
You're going to Cabo Verde because that's where his Dad was born? How many copies is this book going to sell? Not nearly enough to cover the cost of the flight.
- So - Yes, expensive, and, you know, pointless.
I probably won't go.
Probably won't even write the book.
I don't know why I say any of this shit.
To give yourself hope.
That's understandable.
Yeah, but I don't think there is much hope.
I mean the world has changed.
Nobody wants a music writer.
There's no paid work.
Time has moved on.
I'm like a I'm like a coal miner or a blacksmith.
What's it like being married to an unemployed blacksmith? Look, you couldn't see the internet coming just like blacksmiths couldn't see cars coming.
They should have seen cars coming.
I mean It was only a matter of time.
So you're saying you're smarter than a blacksmith? Not as such.
I'm just saying if my father had been a blacksmith and then he had given me the keys to his shop, I would have been like, "Hold on.
Hold on, Dad.
"This is in This is in the past, isn't it?" Right, so now if you prove to me that you are smarter than a blacksmith, how far down the road towards marital harmony will it get us? - I was just defending myself.
- No, you weren't.
you were attacking blacksmiths for their bad choices.
I need to take pleasure where I can get it.
Attacking blacksmiths is pretty much where I'm at.
Are you thinking we should give Kenyon up? Yes.
A thousand times Yes, every week.
- Why, are you? - [WHISPERS.]
I don't know.
We're going backwards, like you said.
Oh! Well, he's not getting any quicker.
Well, she is a counselor, not a personal trainer.
How are you getting on? - What? - With Kenyon? We couldn't help but notice you knocking on the door last week.
Eh, I mean, I believe it's a private matter, isn't it? - We've watched you coming out.
- No.
Speak for yourself.
I'm sorry about her.
I'm not interested in other people's personal business.
WOMAN: We think she's very good.
We've been seeing her on and off for years.
You know, different problems, different stages of life.
At the beginning you have to get through all the hurt and all the petty niggles.
It takes time, but you're young and you've got lots of it.
Anyway Good luck.
That was rather sweet, didn't you think? Like a film.
An elderly woman gives a younger couple good advice - and saves their marriage.
- Yeah.
It was like a color film if ever I saw one.
Did you hear what she said? Years and years of hurt and niggle? Well, maybe we can do it quicker.
Not at the rate we're going.
Not with Call the Midwife and soggy-crossword-gate.
We'll be going here for 50 years.
All right, so let's get down to it.
What does that mean? Give it to each other straight.
- No more subtext? - No, no more subtext.
Oh, okay.
Bring it on.
She got Gomorrah'd.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
Fucking thing.
Oh, I needed that.
- Who is it today? - Arachne.
Looks like you're getting on okay.
Yeah, not too bad.
I'm just I hate having to do the crossword on a bloody A4.
It's always wet or bumpy.
Why have you printed it out? Why aren't you doing it in the newspaper? You've got our newspaper.
- Are you serious? - You know you have.
It's not our newspaper, is it? It's just a newspaper.
Why don't you buy another one? You know that they cost two quid now, don't you? That'd be four quid a day.
Except it's not four quid a day because we're separate people.
We don't live together.
Might as well add up all the money your friends spend on the Guardian - and say it's 50 quid a day.
- More like six.
Oh, for God's sakes.
You've got hundreds of friends.
Lots of friends.
Now, look, how about this? If you move back in, don't buy a second paper.
Oh, my God, how is this about our marriage? How come every conversation ends up at our marriage? I thought that a stupid printout of a crossword was safe ground.
- You've never heard of subtext? - Yes, but I think you're reading too much into it, as my mother used to say when I talked to her about Bob Dylan.
- Was she right or wrong? - She was wrong.
I'm right.
Sometimes a crossword is just a crossword and it's hard to do when the paper gets wet.
This conversation could have gone an entirely different way.
For instance? You could have not mentioned the wet paper.
Well, I wouldn't have, had I known that complaining about the wet paper, and Believe me.
I know it's not a frivolous complaint.
If I had known that complaining about the wet paper was gonna turn into the opening scene of a Bergman film.
Shall we just start this again? - That's better.
- Now the fucking ink's blotchy.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Have I gone wrong already? - Yes.
How? I wanted you to ask me what sort of day I've had.
How was I supposed to know that? What sort of day have you had? - It's too late now.
- Oh.
Have you noticed how we only seem to be able to talk - about the last few seconds? - That's not true.
Is it? Yes.
We start talking and then somebody says the wrong thing.
Then we spend the rest of the time talking about the wrong thing somebody said.
Happens in here, it happens in counseling.
We always come out in exactly the same place we went in.
Or a little further back, usually.
- Well, how do we stop that? - I don't know.
What happened last week? I can't remember.
I remember we were having a conversation about our future spouses, which we both rather enjoyed.
Then what? Oh, she asked us how the week had been.
Yeah, she always does that.
Yes, and then Did we have the argument about the cost of the cat's anti-depressants? Or was that the week before? Oh, my God, it was Call the Midwife.
Oh, yes.
- That didn't get us very far.
- Well, I thought it was useful.
In what way? Well, she interrupted you a couple of times to let me finish.
You never let me finish.
So it taught me the value of counseling in safe spaces.
I only interrupt when you talk about Call the Midwife because there's no end to your loathing.
You know, I quite enjoy it.
I find it rather relaxing.
- Well, you shouldn't.
- I shouldn't? Why can't you find the films of Preston Sturges relaxing? - Can I make a confession? - Within reason.
I don't really like black and white movies.
I mean, I can see that they're good, some of them.
But I just There's something about them that feels a bit like eating your greens.
- The Palm Beach Story? - Yes.
- Maltese Falcon? - Yes.
- Jules et Jim? - Yes.
I feel I'm worried.
I'm worried here that you're gonna name every black and white film ever made - and I'm gonna say yes to all of them.
- Oh, my God, I just I had no idea.
I'm just not a critic.
You know? I like what I like.
You like what you like? Oh, man.
I mean, I just never thought I'd end up with someone who would say that and mean it.
I mean, what does that make me? I don't know.
Maybe you're reading too much into it.
But this is the trouble.
Marriage is like a computer.
You open it up to see what's inside and then you're left with a million little bits.
Yeah, but how about this? We shove the big parts back in, chuck all the small ones away, close it up and get on with things.
- But it won't work.
- It won't work - but it will look like a computer.
- Is that what you're after? You're after marriage that looks like a marriage but won't function? It might be better than the one I've got now.
Because at the moment I have a husband who won't sleep with me and lives somewhere else.
I might as well tell everyone I'm married to Brad Pitt.
Okay, well, good luck getting him to watch Call the bloody Midwife.
He doesn't have to watch it.
He just has to not bang on about how much he hates it.
Okay, we're drifting off the subject.
Shall we do a couple of crossword clues before we go in as a kind of morale-boosting exercise? Oh, God, that's wet.
That's a bit annoying.
Um "Game of cricket put strain on marriage".
- Test match.
- That's a pretty easy one.
I usually leave those till the end.
Remember we're team-building, not point-scoring.
Okay.
"Party touring Russian capital to shared bed.
" Are you just picking out the clues about marriage? No.
Shared bed doesn't mean marriage.
- As we now know.
- okay, let's do another one.
Right, 12 across.
We need that one.
"Rogue caught mate dividing loot.
" - Ignore the word "mate".
- Oh, no, I can't.
It's a crossword.
Begins with S, ends with G.
Okay, well, loot is swag.
- So - Scallywag.
Scallywag.
Ally in the swag.
Oh, all right.
Good.
Morale boosted, team rebuilt.
Shall we actually make a plan for this evening's session? Let's not go in there and start arguing about something completely bloody irrelevant.
Let's go in with an agenda.
What are the big pieces that we want to shove back into the computer? I don't even know if computers have big pieces.
Well, they must.
They must.
I mean, there's batteries and valves and, um Not microchips.
They're small.
You know, I could take apart that dead computer at the house.
I could bring it home after I've had dinner with the boys.
Would that be a good use of your time? I mean, as good as anything else.
I hate you not having anything to do.
Oh, thank you.
So do I.
I suppose I meant it sympathetically, but also I I just I find it embarrassing.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
You haven't started that biography yet? I'm still researching.
I may need to go to Cabo Verde.
So, where your guy came from? What was his name again? Horace Silver.
Really? I thought you decided on someone else in the end.
- Turned out to not be the end.
- Right.
So, Horace came from Cabo Verde? No, his Dad.
You're going to Cabo Verde because that's where his Dad was born? How many copies is this book going to sell? Not nearly enough to cover the cost of the flight.
- So - Yes, expensive, and, you know, pointless.
I probably won't go.
Probably won't even write the book.
I don't know why I say any of this shit.
To give yourself hope.
That's understandable.
Yeah, but I don't think there is much hope.
I mean the world has changed.
Nobody wants a music writer.
There's no paid work.
Time has moved on.
I'm like a I'm like a coal miner or a blacksmith.
What's it like being married to an unemployed blacksmith? Look, you couldn't see the internet coming just like blacksmiths couldn't see cars coming.
They should have seen cars coming.
I mean It was only a matter of time.
So you're saying you're smarter than a blacksmith? Not as such.
I'm just saying if my father had been a blacksmith and then he had given me the keys to his shop, I would have been like, "Hold on.
Hold on, Dad.
"This is in This is in the past, isn't it?" Right, so now if you prove to me that you are smarter than a blacksmith, how far down the road towards marital harmony will it get us? - I was just defending myself.
- No, you weren't.
you were attacking blacksmiths for their bad choices.
I need to take pleasure where I can get it.
Attacking blacksmiths is pretty much where I'm at.
Are you thinking we should give Kenyon up? Yes.
A thousand times Yes, every week.
- Why, are you? - [WHISPERS.]
I don't know.
We're going backwards, like you said.
Oh! Well, he's not getting any quicker.
Well, she is a counselor, not a personal trainer.
How are you getting on? - What? - With Kenyon? We couldn't help but notice you knocking on the door last week.
Eh, I mean, I believe it's a private matter, isn't it? - We've watched you coming out.
- No.
Speak for yourself.
I'm sorry about her.
I'm not interested in other people's personal business.
WOMAN: We think she's very good.
We've been seeing her on and off for years.
You know, different problems, different stages of life.
At the beginning you have to get through all the hurt and all the petty niggles.
It takes time, but you're young and you've got lots of it.
Anyway Good luck.
That was rather sweet, didn't you think? Like a film.
An elderly woman gives a younger couple good advice - and saves their marriage.
- Yeah.
It was like a color film if ever I saw one.
Did you hear what she said? Years and years of hurt and niggle? Well, maybe we can do it quicker.
Not at the rate we're going.
Not with Call the Midwife and soggy-crossword-gate.
We'll be going here for 50 years.
All right, so let's get down to it.
What does that mean? Give it to each other straight.
- No more subtext? - No, no more subtext.
Oh, okay.
Bring it on.