Strangers with Candy (1999) s01e07 Episode Script

1
You know what I'd like
to do to you?
I'm not sure I want to know.
First, I'd shave off
all the hair on my body
Even "downtown."
Then I'd take an ice cube
and rub it
up and down my ebony frame
until my nipples stood erect
like the stiff peaks
on a baked meringue.
What about me, Onyx?
Oh baby, you'd be there.
You'd have an all-access pass
to my love buffet.
Oooooohhh!
Numee num!
Oh, now you done done it.
You got me thinkin' about
Chocolate!
And you know what chocolate
makes me think about?
What?
Fondue, and that means caramel!
Onyx, are you trying
to get me fat?
Oh, just consider it a deposit
in the old booty bank.
Hmmm, I never had caramel
on a potato before,
it's so good.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Grrr
keep it simmering.
Uh, Principal Blackman,
Mr. Noblet wanted me
to tell you [SNIFFS]
That the, uhh, assembly
is starting.
Hmm, it's noon already.
Carne, don't let
the caramel cool,
I'll be back in a shortly.
[SNIFFING]
It smells like a
seafood paella in here.
Uh, listen, uh, do you mind?
Hi, I'm Jerri Blank,
and I'm a 46-year-old
high school freshman.
For 32 years I was
a teenage runaway
32 years, now, can you
imagine that?
I never had caramel
on a potato before.
It's pretty good!
You should try it.
Coach says if I can
lose 30 pounds,
I can wrestle fifth graders.
That's great, Derrick.
I bet you'll be able
to fit into my jeans.
Bet I could!
I bet I could fit
into your Jerri!
Would you not interrupt Derrick
when he's trying to sweat.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in!
Good morning, meat man!
Oh fudge!
I forgot to cancel the brisket.
Only because we're all on diets.
Well, huh, huh, huh,
most of us are.
MEAT MAN:
I don't see why.
You are the leanest little
cutlet I ever did see.
Well, thank you Stew.
By golly, it's toasty!
Could I trouble you
for a glass of water?
Well, I could
do better than that.
How about a waffle?
That would be great.
Mind if I join you there, slim?
[CHICKEN CACKLES]
Say, that is one plump fryer!
Oh yeah, she's my step sister.
[ALL LAUGHING]
And this is Derrick,
my step fag.
[CHICKEN SQUAWKS]
Seriously, that is
a good-looking chicken.
What is she?
Her name's Suki,
she's a Japanese silky.
Hand-trained.
She'll eat grapes out of
anywhere I put them.
Anywhere.
Uh uh, Jerri, I don't think that
Stew is interested in your poultry.
Y'know, maybe you can
answer this question.
Delighted!
What is the difference
between a shank and a loin?
I'd like to think I'm the man
who can clear it up.
In case anyone cares,
I have to leave early
for school today,
because I have to practice
for the debate team tryouts.
Early? You said you were
going to clean up my room.
Well, I have to
practice debating!
Is this how you practice
debating, Jerri,
by arguing with me?
Sorry, Stew, go on with your
story, it was gripping.
Well, the shank vs. loin
controversy dates back to I believe
Your problem couldn't
be any clearer ♪
no one pays
attention to you ♪
you stand alone
holding your chicken ♪
Stew ate your waffles
and you're feeling blue ♪
you're off to school now
riding the bus ♪
[RADIO SHUTS OFF]
Mr. Noblet
Can I talk to you
Uuh, can I have
a shrimp tempura!?
No, Jerri, what is it?
Well, I wanted
Jerri, make this quick,
I'm frying things, OK?
I'd wanted to sign up
for the debate tryouts.
You think that's such
a good idea, Jerri?
I don't know, I think it's a
good way to get attention and
Can I have a jalapeño popper?
No!
Look, you don't exactly have
what I'd call a "debater's body."
Slim arguments come from
Slim hips.
How 'bout a crab patty?
Jerri, are you even
listening to me?
Look, debating is more
then just mental agility.
95% of debating is
physical appearance.
It's not what you say,
but how you look saying it.
Now, you're welcome
to try out for the team,
but I got to tell you,
at this weight
your arguments are gonna
come off a little puffy.
I don't have a
problem with my weight.
No, Jerri, I have a
problem with your weight.
You understand?
I understand.
How 'bout some clam strips?
Put it down!
Put down the clam strips, Jerri!
Now!
And back away
from the "Fry Papa."
Well, you eat a lot!
Jerri, I have the metabolism
of a hummingbird.
For instance, last night I ate
half of a strawberry
cheesecake at 3:00 a.m.
And I'll never gain an ounce.
Understand?
Great!
My onion rings are burned!
Sorry.
Sorry is not going to make
that golden brown, OK.
I'll never get this one back.
You can't un-fry things, Jerri.
You can't be
something you're not.
Hmmm the shrimp
are still good.
Yes.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
So what are you wearing
to the debate tryouts?
Something tight!
Me too!
Should we eat today?
Did we eat yesterday?
No.
Then we probably shouldn't.
Ahem girls,
I guess I'll see you
at the debate tryouts on Friday.
Yeah, that's what we heard.
Hey, Jerri, I'll bet you could
sell your arguments by the pound.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
You are large
and quite obese ♪
fat fat fat fat
fat fat fat ♪
oink oink oink oink ♪
[CHANGING RADIO STATION]
Tu es grande
y muy gordo ♪
gordo gordo
gordo gordo ♪
What's up, dude?
Ohhh Suki!
My little Sukes.
Ohhh
Why do the skinny girls
get all the attention, huh?
Ahhh, I know, how ironic that
the less there is to see,
the more they all
want to see it.
I sure wish I lived
in your world,
where plumpness is a virtue.
In my world,
people can be so cruel.
Oh, hey, fatty.
Thought I heard you coming.
The Richter scale
was red-lining.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Where you been, Jerri?
I had to start lunch
without you.
Ahh, maybe I'll
skip lunch today, Toby.
Skip lunch?
That's crazy talk, Jerri.
They're having epanadas ♪
Oh, I always have been
a sucker for the spic food.
I'll skip lunch after lunch.
Hey, last one to the cafeteria
is a big, fat slob.
On your mark, get set, go.
[IN SLOW-MO]
Cramping
I win, I win.
You're a big, fat slob.
I'm a big, fat slob!
I'm a big, fat slob.
I'm a big, fat slob.
I'm a big, fat slob.
Mrs. Arbuckle is serving
epanadas!
Why'd you skip
the meringue, Tammi?
You love the yellow
and green flavor.
My mom's afraid
of me getting pregnant.
So she wants me to
lose 15 pounds
so I'll stop making eggs.
But you're so skinny!
Ahh, tell that to my ovaries.
I'd love to.
Hey, Tammi, I saw you in your
hurdling tights the other day,
your hip bones were sticking out
like a couple of elbows.
Nicely done.
You ought to think about
coming out for the debate team.
Oh, I don't know, I'm
not so good at arguing.
Yes, you are.
You're right.
I'm going out for debate, Tam.
What are you gonna argue, Jerri?
What you're gonna eat next?
Hmm, no retort.
Interesting.
Even though
she's so very hungry ♪
she eats just like a bird ♪
by a bird I mean
one of the small ones ♪
not like a pelican
who eats a lot ♪
I can't believe that's
the number one song!
I kinda like it.
Yeah, well, you're a pussy.
Thanks for inviting
me to dinner.
Oh, it's our pleasure.
Tell us another
meat story, Stew.
OK, here's a good one:
I was working at the
butcher shop the other day
and this guy comes in and I say,
"hey, you thinking about
buying some steaks?"
And he says, "no, I'm
gonna buy some steaks.
I'm thinking
about poontang."
[LAUGHING]
Ooooh, that's
deliciously naughty.
Hey, today at school
Jerri, I don't think
the dinner table
is a place for
your bawdy stories.
Oooh, enjoy your meat.
Naw, I'm trying to
lose a few pounds.
You are a constant source
of joy and amusement.
DERRICK:
Here's a good one:
Jerri's trying to
lose some weight!
Ha, ha, ha ha, ha!
No, but seriously.
If you lose a little
gristle off the haunches,
you're gonna turn into quite
a cute little lamb chop.
So lighten up on
the rolls and butter,
and go heavy on the brisket.
I'm not hungry.
Why don't you try the brisket.
I don't want any brisket.
Stew, don't waste your time,
you're beating a fat horse.
Eat the brisket.
I don't want any brisket.
God dammit!
I'll handle this, Guy!
I bust my hump all day long so
you can have food on this table,
and you're gonna eat it!
You're not my father!
You're not my daughter!
Pick up your meat
and go to your room!
Oh, I hate you!
I hate you too!
C'mon, Suki.
Skank.
Was I out of line?
No, no.
Good biscuit-blocking.
OK, everybody.
We're gonna take a look
at your self-portraits.
Remember you were to
work in any medium,
as long as it was clay.
Lluellen, yes!
Your ankles are delicate.
Good work.
San, nice, very good.
Diego, you've captured
your rib cage beautifully.
It looks like a xylophone,
good work!
Buster, I like
what you're doing.
Keaton, very thin, good.
Jerri, is this
how you imagine yourself?
No, I ran out of clay.
Jerri, why don't you
step out with me for a moment.
OK, everybody.
Jerri and I are gonna
run out of class.
While we're gone, why don't you
sculpt a self-portrait of me.
OK, excellent,
looks like a corpse, love it.
Oh, hi, Mr. Jellineck.
Ladies.
Jerri, do you care
how others perceive you?
No, I just want people
to think I'm attractive.
Jerri
How many times did you
make yourself throw up today?
I didn't throw up.
Don't lie to me Jerri.
Fool me, con me,
create illusions that
place me in a magical world
I don't understand,
but don't lie to me.
Well, why would someone
make themselves throw up?
So you could eat anything
you want, anytime you want
and it never shows!
Really?
You could eat half a strawberry
cheesecake at 3:00 in the morning
and never gain an ounce!
Pudding too?
Yes.
Cookies?
Absolutely.
[PANTING]
People do that?
Yes, I do, Jerri.
But don't you ever.
Okay?
Alright, let's
get back to our clay.
Okay, well, I gotta pee.
Alright, hurry up now.
Okay?
Cheesecake.
Listen, you're
very thin, Lizzie.
You're going to make
an excellent debater.
You've got the hips
of a Cub Scout.
Thank you, Mr. Noblet.
Hey, Jerri.
Lizzie.
Jerri.
You look different.
Thanks.
You do look different, Jerri.
Have you lost any
weight recently?
Uhh, very recently.
Uhh, water weight mostly, but,
Uhh, thanks for the attention.
Uh Jerri, it's
almost feeding time,
shouldn't you be stampeding
toward the feeding trough?
Ooh, hu-hu-hu-whoa!
I got a better idea, Lezzie.
When the lunch bell rings,
why don't you eat me.
Bang, bang!
That was a very
slender retort, Jerri.
Ya like that?
I am really looking forward
to debate tryouts on Friday.
Fireworks!
Yes!
That's debatable.
Ipso facto.
Rebuttal!
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Hey, Jerri.
Whaddya want, Lezzie?
I just wanted to let you know
that you don't
have a chance tomorrow.
Huh, oh really?
My arguments have
never been more emaciated.
So be prepared lose.
Well, I'm real scared.
I'm real scared!
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Bear with me, Chuck, please.
Mr. Jellineck!
Hello, Mrs. Blank.
Chuck Noblet and I
were out for a little jog,
before we go home to our wives,
and I thought it was
important that I stop by.
I believe your child
has a serious problem.
What?
No, no, Derrick's fine!
I was speaking about Jerri.
Oh.. yeah
I've got some problems.
Look, I stumbled upon these
pills in your daughter's locker.
[GASP]
Oh, my God!
Appetite suppressants,
diuretics, suppositories.
Those aren't mine!
I know, they're mine!
My God, I've been
looking for these for days.
Geoffrey, I'm cooling down!
I'll be down in a minute,
Chuck, please.
Your daughter has
a disease we call
Anorexia.
Is that contagious?
Yes.
It often sweeps through
third-world countries
that are stricken by drought.
If you think this is
my fault, just say so!
Simmer down, Stew.
I'm just so angry!
Obviously you have a beef, Stew,
but please don't stir things up.
If we don't help Jerri now
she could become a vegetable.
Baloney!
Let him talk!
Him who?
Him me.
Please, Mrs. Blank,
I suggest family counseling.
I think it's best
that you leave.
[RAPID KNOCKING]
I've gotta run.
But as soon as you're ready to
talk about your family problems
to an art teacher,
you can call me.
NOBLET:
Geoffrey, I'm cramping up
These suppositories are going right
back where they belong, young lady!
And you are going to bed
without any supper!
Go!
Dessert, Stew?
STEW:
Lovely.
[BELL RINGING]
OK, welcome, everybody,
to this year's debate tryouts.
In no particular order I'd like
to start alphabetically.
Lizzie Abrams,
you'll debate Jerri Blank.
Your topic is:
"Incest is Wrong."
OK, Lizzie, you'll be statement,
Jerri, you'll be rebuttal
Good luck, and debate!
Good luck, bloatus.
Back to ya, Shamu.
From the dawn of time,
and in every society,
all mankind bows before
the simple truth
that sex with
another family member
is a short path to chaos
and genetic mutation.
Thank you.
Good.
Jerri, rip that argument
a new ass!
Okay
Granted
Sometimes, occasionally
things can get out of hand
Alright, so uhhh.
Thank you
[EVERYONE MUTTERING]
[VOICE ECHOING]
Jerri hello!
C'mon Jerri!
Jerri.
Jerri!
Jerri, you passed out.
I just called your family
and your meat man.
They should be here any minute.
We came as soon as
we felt like it.
Hi, please, thank you.
Come in.
Everybody come in
and just sit down.
Please, have a seat.
This family needs to open up,
and start communicating.
All right.
Who starts?
Why don't you.
What do you want me to say?
Tell Jerri that you love her.
Maybe someone else should start.
DERRICK:
I'll go.
OK, Derrick.
Jerri's problems are
tearing this family apart!
Good, but see if
you can re-state that
in a more positive way.
Our family is being torn apart
by Jerri's problems.
Excellent.
Y'know, we haven't
heard from Dad in a while.
Dad?
Hang on a second, Guy.
Before you speak,
I got a question:
Why are we here?
So you can learn to
communicate better
as a family and a meat man.
Are you suggesting
this is my fault?
No, no, no, no, Stew,
don't even think it!
What am I supposed to think?!
Everybody, freeze!
Look where Jerri is right now.
No, don't look.
Pretend to read a magazine
and then sneak a peek.
Jerri?
Can you tell that
we're looking at you?
No, it looks like
you're reading.
It worked!
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I have great news!
I made the debate team?
No, I'm sorry
I should rephrase that.
I have great news for me!
You didn't make the debate team.
Nicely done.
I never get anything
that I want!
Tell us, Jerri,
what is it you want?
Well, my whole life all I ever
wanted was some attention.
I mean, that's the whole reason
I wanted to make
the stupid debate team.
Go on, Jerri,
we're all listening.
Well, I
Wait a minute.
You all are listening.
Why, I don't have to
make the debate team.
All I have to do is starve
myself to the brink of death
to get your attention.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Fantastic!
What a success for me.
I sure wish Suki was here.
You know something,
Jerri she is.
Suki?
You baked her!?
No, Jerri, she voluntarily baked
herself so that you could live.
Ahhhh.
Oh Suki
Suki, so loyal and loving
So moist and tender.
Suk-ulent.
Jerri, I ripped the wishbone
out of your beloved Suki.
[WHISPERING] What
are you gonna wish for?
A Camaro.
Ah ha ha, a Camaro!
Her problems melt
like ice cream castles ♪
leaving puddles
of tasty sweet ♪
her family loves her
Suki tastes delicious ♪
She feels all
better ♪
now she can eat ♪
Dee-lish-ous.
[WHISTLING]
[CACKLING]