Stripperella (2003) s01e07 Episode Script

1
So when I'm not volunteering
at the children's hospital,
I'm traveling around the world,
crusading for animal rights
and world peace.
He's so perfect and handsome.
Don't say anything stupid,
don't say anything stupid.
I like lettuce.
Lettuce is nice.
Oh!
Ooh, I'm sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.
I don't get to date much,
stripper's hours.
It's great you're so honest
about what you do.
I've dated girls in the past
who kept a lot of secrets.
It was almost like they
were living a double life.
Oh, really?
This is a robbery!
You, get me all the money
from the register.
And you, get me
the chicken cordon bleu
and the Caesar salad,
no croutons.
And if I could get
the dressing on the side,
that would be great.
Oh, no!
The restaurant's being robbed.
Erotica?
How would you like a side
of ass-kicking
to go with your robbery?
Stripperella?
Oh, no, it's a tampon?
A tampon
Dagger!
Oh, shish!
Whoa!
It burns!
Make it stop!
Okay, ha!
That oughta hold you
'til the police arrive.
Now, I've got a date
to get back to.
I mean, no, I don't.
Erotica, you missed it,
the place was robbed.
Stripperella was here,
where did you go?
Oh, uh, I had to put
money in the meter.
But we valet parked.
Oh, right, now, where were we?
I was saying how great it is
that you are always so honest.
Oh, yeah, that's me,
no secrets here.
Help!
It's fire!
Fire!
I have to go put
more money in the meter!
Hey, you're not my bride!
That's right!
I'm never the bride!
I'm always the bridesmaid!
What do you want?
I wanna get married!
But if I can't,
then, no one will.
You may now kiss the bridesmaid!
Aaahhhhh
Ahoy, mates!
Feast your good eye on
the glorious treasure chest of
Giselle!
Arrghh!
Oohhhh!
Arrrh!
Oh, I'm glad she doesn't do
her chainsaw
juggling routine anymore!
Oh, please be gay,
please be gay,
please be gay, please be gay!
Erotica?
James!
What a surprise!
Leonard, this is the guy
I've been dating.
Nice to meet you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go take a cold shower.
So, what are you doing here?
I just finished
my poetry workshop,
and I have a few minutes to kill
before I go
to the homeless shelter
to hand out food.
So, I thought I'd stop by
and say hi.
Maybe tonight we can get
together at my place
and watch some movies.
As long as
it's a romantic comedy.
Oh, that must be my belly uh
That's my pager
Oh, I forgot,
I'm supposed to drop off toys
at the orphanage
on the way
to the homeless shelter!
I'd better go.
I'll see you tonight.
Wow!
He's cuter than a June bug
in a cackle bush!
He's so romantic.
I never thought
I'd meet anyone like him.
I just wish I didn't have to lie
to him all the time.
Lie to him about what?
Oh, uh, I told him
that I used to be a man.
Oh, you should tell him
the truth!
He'll still like you,
even if he finds out
you've never been a man!
Oh, I hope you're right.
I really think
he might be the one.
I think I'll steal him from you.
Huh?
What?
I'm a bitch, remember?
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Chief Stroganoff, agent 69,
reporting for duty.
Uh, chief, what are you doing?
I'm just taking
some sexy boudoir photographs
to surprise the wife with
on Valentine's day.
But Valentine's day
was two months ago.
Right
Thank god I'm not married.
I think we're done
for today, ling.
See you tomorrow, same time.
So, what's going on?
It's not what's going on,
it's what's not going on
that's going on.
Grooms all across the city
have been vanishing
on their wedding day.
Cold feet?
No, but my ass is freezing,
damn metal chair.
I mean, the grooms.
Maybe they just got
pre-wedding jitters.
These men didn't just disappear.
They were abducted
by someone calling herself
"the bridesmaid".
Ugh!
That dress is hideous!
Yes.
Polyester is so passé.
Now, here,
take these wedding videos.
There might be some clues
in there
to help us figure out
where "the bridesmaid"
is going to strike next.
Oh, my baby boy
is getting married!
This is the happiest day
of my entire life!
Time to live happily
never after!
Now, this is the saddest day
of my entire life!
Huh?
To hold, and blah, blah
Oh, just kiss the bride!
These weddings are so beautiful!
Well, except for the part
where the grooms
all get abducted.
Wait a minute,
the grooms' last names.
Baker, Richards, Ikinawa,
Degbert.
B-r-i-d
She's spelling "bridesmaid"!
That means her next victim
is an "e"!
Wedding announcements,
here we go.
No
No
"Emerson".
The Emerson wedding,
today, at six!
Oh, no, I only have 15 minutes!
It's a good thing
you're here, Ozzy.
Otherwise,
I would have no reason
to explain everything out loud.
Only 10 minutes to go!
Darn!
Double darn!
Now, this is
just getting ridiculous.
Do you promise to be faithful
to your wife,
to never again know
another woman's touch?
To never again experience
the joy of sexual intimacy
with anyone new or different
or more adventurous,
or younger,
until sweet death
releases you from this vow?
Uh
I I
Don't!
Why don't you smell
my lovely flowers?
Drop that groom, bridesmaid!
I don't think so!
I've got exploding rice,
and I'm not afraid to throw it!
Don't you know
not to throw rice at weddings?
Birds eat it and they die!
You're supposed to use birdseed!
I'm sorry, but they were
all out of exploding birdseed.
Ha!
I now pronounce you
foot in face!
You may kick the bride!
Do you like my bouquet?
Stripperella, look out!
Those flowers are
Never mind.
And, so, Stripperella completely
and utterly failed
to stop the evil grooms-napper
we've come to know
as "the bridesmaid".
Due to Stripperella's
humiliating ineptitude,
couples everywhere are canceling
their weddings in fear.
Next up, my colonoscopy video,
an intriguing trip
deep inside my ass.
Hey, I wanted to see that!
What's the matter, Lassie?
You look sadder
than a pair of old bagpipes.
I just hate colonoscopy videos.
Persephone,
how come I never noticed
you have a Scottish
accent before?
I don't.
Agent 69, here, what's up?
We've figured out the identity
of the bridesmaid.
Her name is Molly Lumpkin.
She was a bridesmaid
at over 35 weddings
last year, alone.
That poor girl!
That's enough to make
anyone snap!
We need to find out where
she's keeping those grooms.
She may be planning on
killing them or worse.
What's worse than killing them?
She may actually marry them.
Uh, chief?
I don't think that's worse
than killing.
Clearly,
you've never been married.
I think I know how to find her.
Chief, it's time for us
to have a wedding.
I'm sorry, Erotica,
but you're not my type.
No, no!
We'll stage a fake wedding
to lure the bridesmaid.
Great idea.
Then it's official.
Oh god, yeah
The bridesmaid only needs
one more letter
and her collection
of grooms will be complete!
This wedding is our last chance
to stop her!
We've made some modifications
to your wedding dress
that should help you.
We've installed a pair
of high-powered flashlights
inside your bustier.
Your wedding veil
is also a gas mask.
And we're about to
give you an S.T.D.
A what?
S.T.D.
Secret tracking device.
Ah
Yes, we call it "the clap".
Because in order to activate it,
you have to clap.
I've dreamt
about getting married
since I was a little girl!
Except, in my dream,
it wasn't fake
and I wasn't marrying
special agent 14.
Don't worry, Stripperella,
I won't let you down!
Especially,
on our fake honeymoon.
I don't see why
he gets to marry her.
I should have been the one
to marry her.
What?!
I totally should be
marrying her.
Oh, like she'd
really marry you, geek.
Spaz!
Virgin!
I told you that
in strict confidence.
Erotica?
We need to talk.
James, what's wrong?
I know about Mr. "D".
I found this wedding
announcement in the paper.
I know this looks bad,
but trust me,
I'm not really getting married.
Huh?
Surprise!
What is going on here?
Well, I overheard you
on the phone
talking about your wedding,
so I told everyone!
You didn't think we were
going let you get married
without throwing you
a bachelorette party,
did you?
You two are such
a perfect couple.
That's what I thought, too.
But that's before I found out
that tomorrow
Erotica's marrying another man!
James, there's
a good explanation
for all of this.
I'm just not allowed
to tell you what it is.
Goodbye, Erotica.
But, James, wait!
Hey, this party's turning out
better than I thought!
I know what will cheer you up!
I made you a cake in the shape
of Anthony Hopkins' butt!
The hair is chocolate sprinkles.
So, then, I was thinking,
a simple sheer satin gown
with a dramatic "V"
down the back.
And instead of a veil, I
Look, if you're gonna kill us,
please do it now!
This is hell!
What do you want?!
What do I want?!
I just wanna get married
before I'm 40!
Is that too much to ask?!
I've been in 226 weddings
and not one of them was mine.
But that's about to change.
You've all shown that you're
not afraid of commitment.
You're all still single
and you all own tuxes!
Mine's a rental.
And, actually, I'm not single.
You abducted me
from my reception.
Shut up!
Now, one of you
is going to marry me,
and the rest of you are going
to be killed with this!
An engagement ring/deadly laser.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Something borrowed,
something blue.
I don't want to marry you!
Prepare to die!
Oh, right,
kill the black guy first.
That's original.
No, no, really,
that's not the reason.
It was pure chance.
Yeah, whatever.
Why don't you just go and get
yourself a nice white hood
to go with that
wedding dress, racist?
No, no, I'm not a racist, okay?
Hey, guess what?
I'll prove it.
I'll kill someone else!
You!
Prepare to die.
You know, I just remembered,
I am 1/4 American Indian.
Don't you think we have suffered
enough at your hands, whitey?
Jewish!
Gay.
Eskimo.
Come on, bridesmaid,
show your face.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Come on, Erotica.
The people are expecting a show!
Let's make it look good, huh?
Erotica, Erotica!
Oh, right, thanks.
James!
What are you doing here?!
I realized I didn't want
to lose you!
I can't let you marry that man!
Oh, James!
That's so romantic!
This is like a fairytale!
With a happy ending for me!
Can't breathe
Losing consciousness.
Talking to myself.
She's getting away!
I still have "the clap"!
You have the clap?
No!
It's an S.T.D.!
I have the clap, too!
I've been too afraid
to admit it before now,
but thanks to Erotica's courage,
I can!
By the way, honey,
you probably have it, too!
Come on, S.T.D.!
Do your thing!
Get ready, bridesmaid,
'cause here comes the bride!
I've got the priest,
I've got the grooms.
Who's ready to get married?
Me!
Me! Me!
I don't wanna die, me!
Okay, groom number one,
what would you say
is my best quality?
Uh, your eyes?
Eyes?
My eyes?!
No, it's my friggin' big heart,
you jackass!
I'm a very sweet person,
everybody says so!
Groom number two
Gotcha!
All right, bridesmaid,
where are
the rest of the grooms?
I am not the bridesmaid!
I am the evil French maid!
The bridesmaid is one room over.
We split the rent,
it keeps things affordable.
Oh, sorry.
Now, time for the mop!
Where am I?
I'm asking the questions here!
And you'd better think carefully
because your life
may depend on your answer!
If you could change
one thing about me,
what would it be and why?
Hi-ya!
How incredibly convenient!
We're free!
Sorry, Stripperella,
but I'm getting married!
And there's nothing
you can do to stop me!
All right, preacher,
start marrying!
Say "I do"!
But
Do you wanna live?!
I do!
This is it, finally!
I object!
Goodbye, Stripperella!
She's all yours, boys.
Uh, Stripperella?
Your headlights are on.
Thanks.
Stripperella, you saved me!
It was nothing, James
Uh, if that's your name
because I don't know if it is.
It is.
You were amazing!
Well, thanks.
You know what?
I'll be right back.
James, are you okay?
I'm fine, Erotica.
Look, I'm sorry
about everything.
I promise,
no more secret weddings.
I'm sorry, Erotica,
but I met someone else.
What?!
I don't mean to hurt you.
She just sort of came
crashing into my life.
I didn't plan it,
but I wouldn't be honest
with myself or you,
if I didn't tell you that
I'll never love another woman
as much as I love
Stripperella.
But you don't understand,
see, stripperella is
Is what?
Is is great,
I understand.
I guess I can never be
the woman she is.
If it means anything,
if something were to
ever happen to stripperella,
if she were killed
or horribly disfigured
or didn't age well,
you'll always be
my second choice.
Thanks?
Do you understand these rights
that we have read to you?
I do.
You know, I understand
why you did what you did.
We all wanna find true love.
Actually,
I wanted to get married
so I could take out
a huge life insurance policy
on my husband, have him killed,
and live happily ever after
in Barbados.
I can't believe Erotica
got divorced so quickly!
I hope me sleeping
with her husband
had nothing to do with it.
You slept with Mr. "D"?
Shame on you!
Well, at least
she's getting some good use
out of her wedding dress!