Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e07 Episode Script

Previously on Studio 60: I swear to God, the better our shows are, the more money we're gonna make.
If you want her to cook the meal, you gotta let her shop for the groceries.
But it's gonna be our show now, and only one of us can screw up at a time.
And I think we both know that most of the time, it's gonna be me.
- Mr.
Stiles, I don't work for you guys.
- Yeah, you do.
You just got hired as a staff writer for Studio 60.
In most parts, the fact that I believe in God wouldn't be noteworthy.
You're the only one who stars in a comedy show who attacks the religious right.
That's an overstatement.
We're investing $20 billion in Macau to turn it into the Las Vegas of Asia.
Hm? He's asking where we are exactly.
We're I told him, we're in Pahrump, Nevada.
We're about 60 miles west of Las Vegas, about 400 miles from Lake Tahoe.
I don't know if those landmarks mean anything to your father.
Legal brothels? - What are you looking at me for? - Yeah, we got legal brothels.
Cherry Patch Ranch, Mabel's Ranch.
I'll tell you what else, those two houses helped form the original infrastructure of the town of Pahrump.
- These the folks from Hollywood? - Yes, judge.
I'm Robert Bebe, presiding judge, Pahrump City Court.
Which one of you is having a bad day that's about to get worse? Judge, I'm David Langenthal, I'm an attorney for NBS.
And I've been asked to appear on behalf of Tom Jeter.
We can have you back fishing in no time if you'll just grant my motion for a favorable O.
R.
R so that Mr.
Jeter can be back in Los Angeles in time for his live broadcast tonight.
- Hm.
No.
- Lf it please the court - Does this look like a court to you, Matlock? - Judge I'm not hearing motions now, counselor.
If you speak again absent direct question I'm gonna tell Deputy Boone here to shoot your ankles off.
Who are the Japs? - They're Chinese, sir.
- Who are you? I'm Jack Rudolph, I'm the chairman of NBS.
- What's that? - I'm sorry? What's NBS? It's a national network of broadcasting systems It's the National Broadcasting System.
It's a corporation that I had these guys going, did you see it? You're idiots, did you know that? I'm a judge.
Do you think I go around calling people Japs and ordering deputies to shoot lawyers? You think I'm some kind of backwater red-state moron hasn't heard of NBS? I own a television, I know how to work it.
I also know the law, counselor, and I'm not easily impressed so shove your motions up your ass.
There's only one person that I wanna hear from the shepherd in the handcuffs.
How did you get yourself into my sheriff's office? - Your Honor, my name is Tom Jeter - I know who you are, both of you.
And you got a problem because I don't like your television program.
It's condescending and smartass.
You make fun of people like my family, people like my friends and people like me.
You are having a very bad day, son.
I, on the other hand, am as giddy as a schoolgirl.
Start talking.
- Judge - Are you a member of the Nevada State Bar? - No, sir, I'm a member of the California Bar.
- Well, you've wandered away from home.
The shepherd is under arrest for assault and battery, reckless endangerment possession of a controlled substance and failure to answer a warrant.
- Your Honor, the joint is mine.
- Simon.
- The joint is mine.
- Don't.
You He was wearing my jacket, he didn't know what was in the pocket.
- Really? - Yes, sir.
Then it's an early Christmas for me.
- Tom.
- Yeah? Tell him your story.
Uh What's today? Today is Friday.
Yesterday, one of my fellow cast members, Harriet Hayes was quoted in a gossip column saying She was asked what her position Quoted her saying This gotta be a story not to start why you're dressed as a shepherd.
I'm actually not dressed as a shepherd, I'm dressed as Jesus Christ.
I was taken in the middle of rehearsing a sketch.
Sketch mocking churchgoers? - Yes.
- No.
- Hang on.
Sir.
- It wasn't I need to make it crystal clear that the marijuana belongs to me.
He borrowed my jacket, he didn't know it was in the jacket.
You've made it clear.
Make it any clearer, the deputy will have to read you Miranda.
I should point out that while possession is a misdemeanor, use is a felony.
You want me to prove use? It's been smoked.
I understand it's a felony in Nevada, judge.
- That's why I'm telling you - Sammy.
Is it Sammy? Simon.
Simon Stiles.
Simon, let me be your lawyer for a second.
- Okay.
- Shut the hell up.
Yes, sir.
Your Honor, the sketch wasn't mocking churchgoers, it was mocking Networks have people who are in charge of what's called Broadcasting Standards and Practices.
The sketch was mocking our head of Standards and Practices.
Hm.
- An item in a gossip column? - Yes, sir.
She was Harriet Hayes, the woman I mentioned before, is a devout Christian.
- And she'll often get asked - I've heard about her.
I imagine she's something of an outcast in Hollywood.
She is, but - What was she asked? - People like to bait her.
- They like to debate her? - To bait her, they like to bait her.
- What was she asked? She was asked about her position on gay marriage.
And what did she say? I said, the Bible says it's a sin.
It also says, "Judge not lest ye be judged.
" And then it was something for smarter people to decide.
- "Ye" is a word you don't hear a lot.
- How do you see every piece of my press? We have a press department, I get a daily press packet.
They highlight what they want me to see.
This one got a highlight.
Well, as I said, they left out the second sentence.
Can I ask you something? - Your ass hurt from straddling the fence? - Oh, please.
Are you concerned that a portion of your fan base in both music and television is gay? That any number of people who work with you here are gay? You don't mean that there are homosexuals and lesbians in show business, do you? I'll walk right out this building.
The Bible says it's a sin, but it also says, "Judge not lest ye be judged.
" You're giving yourself a pat on the back for tolerating sinners.
I never mind having problems with press.
I know I can always count on you for support.
A lecture.
I meant I can always count on you for a lecture.
- Am I done? - Sure.
Kim, why the viola and not the violin? I'm asking your daughter why the viola, not the violin? My father says there's a shortage of good viola players.
- Really? - He read an article.
My father reads papers from all around the world and I translate them.
- Good morning.
- Jack, this is Mr.
Zhiang Tao.
- How do you do, sir? - Very well, thank you.
His daughter, Kim, who's also interpreting for us today.
Oh, hello, Kim.
- Hello.
Mr.
Kuan-Yin Zhao.
Mr.
Chen Yang.
Jack, can I have you outside for just a second? Gentlemen and young lady, would you excuse us just one moment? We're this close.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
In the last nine months, I've logged over 90,000 air miles back and forth to Macau.
- First time they've come here.
- What about Parsons? He didn't come here to meet with Time Warner.
- He came to meet with us.
- And brought his daughter? She's on scholarship at Juilliard.
She's a viola prodigy.
Because there's a shortage of players and her father strongly encouraged her to fill that need.
Good, because I've always felt China was just one good string section away from being able to feed itself.
She's also intoxicated by American popular culture.
- How intoxicated? - Teenage girls are teenage girls.
I don't care where they're from or how good they play viola.
She's gonna be our way into Macau.
She wants to meet Tim Jeter from Studio 60.
- Tom Jeter.
- Tom Jeter.
Her father promised her she could.
He wants to look like a big deal in Hollywood.
Fathers of daughters, they're also the same anywhere you go.
I can get her in a room with anybody she wants.
She wants to meet Tom Jeter? - You'll have somebody take care of it? - Yeah.
They leave tomorrow, they're using our jet.
He's gonna drop her back at school in New York, then he goes home.
- You got to do it by tomorrow.
- It's no problem.
We're this close.
I just drove us 99 yards down that field.
Take it the last yard and put it in the damn house.
It's really Jeter she wants to meet? One more yard, in the end zone.
Yeah, all right.
Hey.
Hang on.
What are you working on? - I'm on the third page.
- I should know by now.
- We're already 18 minutes fat.
Yeah, Visa's gonna be funny and Dylan's got this Mexican Santa Claus that's demented.
- But - But what? We don't have the sketch everyone's talking about on Monday.
We still have time.
Yeah, and in terms of meeting our quota of offended people we're probably fine with the demented Mexican Santa.
- Character isn't demented, it's the comedy.
- I understand.
So can I go back to not writing? Yeah.
And I just ran the early script past Standards, and everything's okay.
They just wanna make sure in the Lifetime Movie sketch that it's clear Jeannie's saying "jeez" and not "Jesus.
" Whatever.
You see Harriet's quote on "Page Six"? Talked to her.
They left out the second part.
Doesn't excuse first part, only sounds like it does.
- Don't worry.
- No, what I'll worry is that Jeannie accidentally not say "Jesus" instead of "jeez.
" If that happened the sky would fall down.
How did I get involuntarily deputized as a Commandments enforcer? By working in broadcasting.
Uh-uh.
Blasphemy isn't an FCC issue, there's no threat of fines.
- It's community-standards issue.
- Not my community.
You can't use the Lord's name in vain.
That's not gonna change, you know it, so move on: - It's not my Lord we're talking about either.
- We had this conversation, it bores me now.
Look, it's one thing to be asked to respect someone else's religion it's another to be asked to respect their taboos.
In my religion, it's disrespectful to God not to keep your head covered.
You don't see me insisting that the cast of CSl: Miami wear yarmulkes.
That'd be an unusual creative direction for CSl: Miami.
Half the shows in prime time start with two strippers getting strangled after a lap dance.
Fine with me.
If it's fine with Jesus, I don't see the need to tiptoe around his name.
Matt, you'll have a character tell another character to do something to himself that is anatomically impossible.
You'll be able to do it at 8:00 on a Sunday before you'll be able to use God or Jesus as an expletive.
I can only write Jesus or Christ when I'm referring to Jesus Christ.
- Yes.
- Let me tell you.
If Jesus was head of Standards and Practices, he would pimp-slap us not because we used his name and Jesus as the head of Standards and Practices.
- Your Monday sketch.
See how I did that? - Yeah.
I'll try to have a first draft in a couple hours, before dinner break.
- I'm the puppet master.
- Didn't have a conversation with Standards? - No.
- Okay.
And so I'd like to introduce our new vice president in charge of Standards and Practices, Jesus H.
Christ.
"Group applauds as Tom, dressed as Jesus, stands at the conference table.
" Thank you, it's good to walk among you.
Jesus Christ, it is hot in here.
You mind if I open a window? - He's really going for it, isn't he? - He's just sticking it to Standards.
Well, it's funny, so I don't care, but he's sticking it to me.
- I'm heading back.
I gotta go too.
We'll see you back there.
Jesus, let me ask you.
Does it bother you if your name is used in a frustrated exclamation? One of the Commandments, so I figure I had spikes driven through my hands and feet, rocks thrown and my father orchestrated the whole thing.
But what really gets to me is when someone calls me names.
Excuse me, I'm really sorry to bother you, I'm just such a big fan.
Would you mind? - Not at all, nice to meet you.
Your name? - Jim.
Okay, Jim.
Thanks a lot for saying hi, you made my day.
- It broke my heart to do that.
- Yeah? - Actually, it felt pretty good.
- All right.
You're a homophobic little bitch.
Why don't you take your CD and shove it up your tight ass? Bitch.
- Okay, hang on.
- Think you're better? I think this is about the "Page Six" column We're sinners? - God doesn't like us much? Speaks to you personally? - You Southern redneck bitch.
- You're too close, step back.
Shut up, you little twerp.
You're all set.
Thanks.
You little 90-pound piece of crap.
How about I break your arms? I want you to step back, you're too close.
Listen, seriously, the quote was truncated, I didn't Get in the car.
Let's just start from the beginning, I understand - Say it to my face, bitch! - Lf I read the same thing about myself - Get in the car.
- Call me a fag! - Harry.
- Call me a faggot.
- Say what you want but stand back.
- Get your hand off me.
- Are you all right? - Harry, in the car now.
Come on, man.
Where are you going? Coward.
Do you believe he did that? Yeah, you better run.
Jesus, I don't think you're gonna be able to get the networks to forgive its debtors.
We should.
- We won't.
- It'd be nice.
- Still.
It's compassionate, charitable.
Just to be clear, our debtors aren't lepers.
They're advertisers.
- Money changers? - Lf that helps you.
Okay, just thinking outside the box.
Stay inside.
Jesus Christ, can we get this under way? Sure.
- We called this meeting because our writers are asking that from time to time, they be allowed to take your name in vain in their scripts.
As the name of your father.
In their defense, it is part of the adult vernacular.
- I see.
I'll try to control myself.
- Don't smite anybody.
Hoping you could speak to the writers, make it clear that it's absolutely forbidden.
No, I don't care.
You don't care? No.
Caring for the weakest among us, that's my thing.
Lend a hand, be a good neighbor, don't cast the first stone.
Do those, you can call me Betty for all I care.
You don't care about people taking your name in vain? - They're people, they get frustrated.
- Your father? - Get him.
Get him.
- What? Get God? Get him.
He sent me here to die a pretty gruesome death.
He planned it.
Wanna hear what I call him at dinner? - What? - Dad, because I'm forgiving.
That's why I need you to get him.
- Jesus Christ.
- Yes, sir? No, that was just an exclamation.
You let them do this? - Judge Sir You allow this? You let them mock the Lord with snide little jokes that belittle the faith of millions of people including, I should say, myself? No, he doesn't, judge.
We cut the sketch, we're not doing it tonight.
- We're doing it.
- No, we're not.
You ordered it cut and it's cut.
Moreover, Tom is a performer on the show he does the material he is given, that is his job.
I'm the one who insulted you.
I apologize.
I'm the one who insulted you, and the sketch stays in.
Is it on record that it was my dope? Fellas, I'm still under arrest.
He's down in Wardrobe.
I know.
It's unusually cold in the studio today.
Did I wear this same costume last season as a shepherd? - Anybody? - Yes.
- You weren't here last year.
- I watched TV last year.
The same thing I wore as the Singing Shepherd? - Yeah.
- I'll tell you why I'm asking.
- It's because I'm freezing.
- Be a man.
I'm trying, but I'm wearing a frock.
- I'm pretty cold.
- All right, take this, would you? - Thank you.
- Put it on.
All right, hang on.
- Darius? - Yes, sir.
Read the changes.
I look good in this jacket.
Would a carpenter wear something like this? He wasn't a carpenter, Joseph was a carpenter.
- Jesus was a farmer.
- He wasn't a farmer.
- What was he? - I think he was kind of a roving troubadour.
It's almost hard to believe everybody hates Hollywood.
- It's good.
Yeah.
- Yeah? I have a lot of people who blow smoke at me.
So many that the network has to pay people to tell me the truth.
Right now, that's you.
- It's all over the place.
- Take a break.
That's 20.
Back at 9:15.
Tom? - Yeah.
There are two gentlemen who need to see you in the lobby.
Sure, let me just change.
I'm Tom Jeter.
Mr.
Jeter, I'm Det.
Trentanelli, this is Det.
Hillary.
We're from the West Hollywood Police Department.
We don't like this and neither will you but we have a warrant for your arrest on a charge of assault.
- This won't take long, but you'll have Simon put you up to this? Or Harriet? Whatever they gave you, I'll double it if we can turn this thing around on them.
No, this isn't a gag, I wish it was.
You threw a man to the ground yesterday.
There were witnesses, also caught on security cameras.
No.
God, no, I didn't throw him to the ground.
- He was trying - He's pressing charges and they won't stick.
What he wants is to be able to sue you, and not for nothing, but I'd sue him back.
We have to take you in, book you.
You'll be able to post bond with your credit card.
The whole thing won't take an hour.
You want to call your lawyer? Don't have one.
I have an agent at William Morris.
Is there gonna be a story that I beat a guy up? Sometimes, that enhances a man's reputation.
- This guy was gay.
- There's nothing we can do about the press.
Why? You've got guns.
And I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to put these on you.
Also, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to speak to an attorney and have that attorney present.
If you cannot afford an attorney The problem is a companion piece and we don't have anything in the pipeline.
I wanna start having meetings with the top writers and offering them blank checks.
Jack, we were just talking about how to develop a companion piece for Nations.
How about a drama about network executives who open a carpet cleaning business after losing jobs because they put Nations on the air? - Love it, love the guy who brought it to me.
This meeting over? - No, we were gonna start on - Is this meeting over? Sure.
- It's not a bad idea.
What? The fired executives.
It could also be a car wash.
Thank you.
Time Warner's gonna buy into Telesat China so they'd have satellite distribution, which we don't.
That's not my floor of the building.
Telesat gives them a $ 100-million advantage in the race for Macau, so it's everybody's floor.
Zhiang gonna base his decision on $ 100 million? He's Chinese, who knows what guides his decisions? Might be a 19-year-old viola player.
- Maybe this isn't the best time to tell you.
- What? Post ran an excerpt from my ex-husband's book this morning.
- Saying? - I don't like children.
I don't wanna have, I'd never hire a woman with children.
- Anything else? - I don't like dogs.
Okay.
By the way, his daughter needs to meet Tom Jeter.
- No problem.
- You're not allowed to say those words.
- Got it.
- Ricky Tahoe and Ron Oswald tell me they are rehearsing a sketch there where the new head of Standards and Practices is Jesus? That's a funny premise.
That's not funny.
- They're not doing it.
- Jack.
They're not while that idiot is saying you don't like women who have children.
- I'll ask to cut it.
- I'll ask to cut it.
You're busy developing a show about the world of UNICEF.
Yeah, and the whole thing's gonna be mimed.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Darius, right? - Yeah.
Where is everybody? Well, Tom Jeter's been arrested for assault and he was taken down to the West Hollywood Police Station.
Simon loaned his jacket, which happened to have a joint in the pocket.
Simon ran there to make sure Tom wasn't charged with possession.
Harriet is upset because this happened while she was heckled by gay hooligans.
- Matt's in his office rewriting the sketch.
- You pitching me a sketch? - No, sir.
- Where is everybody? - Like I said, uh, Tom Danny.
- What the hell is going on? - Tom got arrested.
We came out of dinner, some guys got in Harriet's face for the gay marriage thing.
Tom tried to break it up and pushed one of them.
The guy's pressing charges.
Tom's wearing my jacket, and it's got a joint in it.
He'll get searched if they haven't done it already.
- Let's get down there.
- He's not there.
- This is getting out of hand.
- Where is he? - In a police van headed to Nevada.
- Why? The computer kicked out an outstanding warrant for failure to answer to a speeding ticket he got in a small town called Pahrump.
- Danny.
- Seriously, is this a sketch? - Being extradited, where have you been? - Breakfast! I'm going to Burbank Airport and I'm getting the next flight to Vegas or Reno and I'm renting a car.
- I'm going with you.
- You can't, it's Friday.
This is what producing is.
Let me just talk to Matt.
See if we can do this without anyone finding out, like the press or the network.
Finding out what? - Hi.
- Hi.
Finding out what? Hm? Without the press or the network finding out what? That we're frauds.
We can't do this, we're not funny.
It's just Friday insecurity.
We never get over those insecurities, do we? - No, we don't.
- Like it's a long story.
But I wrestle with abandonment issues.
- Okay, well, we gotta go.
Wait, I came here.
Of course.
What can I do for you? Jack's gonna ask you to cut your Jesus sketch.
I want you to argue, dig your heels in, then say yes.
- Sure.
- I'm serious.
You got it.
- Really? Hey, it's a whiny, inside joke that picks at an empty, symbolic line in the sand.
Matt's blowing it anyway.
I want you to fight Jack a bit before you give in.
- Sure.
I'll tell you why.
He doesn't need to know why.
- I mean, why? - What the hell is going on? Nothing.
- Simon, you mind if I talk to Danny alone? - Yeah, sure.
Quickly, please.
I'll be downstairs.
Jack needs to win one.
He's a proud man, I've taken his legs out four times.
Hiring you, "Crazy Christians" on the air.
Rejecting Search and Destroy and buying Nations.
Fight him five rounds, take a dive.
Make it look good.
- Got it, Mugsy, anything else? - Nope.
- Great, I gotta go - Oh, yeah, wait.
A multibillion-dollar deal in Macau, China, that Wilson White's spearheading rests on Zhiang Tao's daughter getting to meet Tom Jeter.
Is he around? You couldn't have led with that, huh? Come with me.
Hey, I asked you to run the place for 45 minutes while I had a waffle.
I was working on an ending for the sketch.
First, you're not gonna need one, and second, way to prioritize.
What do you want me to do, hide a file in a cake and grease the screws? - He'll be back in a minute.
No, he won't.
He's on his way to Pahrump, Nevada.
- Why? Yes, Danny, why? All right, what we have here is a domino situation.
The car's downstairs.
It's gonna take you first next door where, Kim Tom Jeter is very excited to meet you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- No.
- Well, I'm sure he's got a hat for you.
The car will take you to the tarmac where our plane will take you to Teterboro Airport.
A helicopter will take Kim and drop her in the middle of the Juilliard viola section.
The jet will refuel and take you to Macau by way of Newfoundland, Scotland and Zagreb, Croatia.
Kim, your father understands that even with the trip to New York it would still be shorter to turn the plane around and fly west? He flies in one direction.
- Okay.
- Does Tom Jeter have a girlfriend? I don't know, but I know for sure he's got a box set of DVDs and a tote bag with your name on it.
Is it important? Excuse me.
- Yeah? - Is he in with you right now? - Yeah.
- Okay, act normal.
Why? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Say the name of the town again.
Pahrump.
- Uh-huh.
- Now here's the interesting part.
Gosh, it seems pretty interesting right now.
I've spoken to David Langenthal.
Today is a holiday called Nevada Day.
Annual celebration, anniversary of Nevada being admitted to the Union.
Uh-huh.
- State and local officials have the day off.
- There's no judge.
- They're gonna hold him until Monday.
- No, they're not.
- Yeah, they are.
- No, they're not.
I've thrown 149 fundraisers for the governor of Nevada.
He's gonna interrupt somebody.
- Wanna get into influence peddling? - I'm not saying to tell a judge how to rule.
I'm saying he has to tell a judge to go be a judge.
Hi.
I'll call you back.
Kim.
Bad news.
Tom Jeter is en route to what I guess you'd have to call a sort of police station.
- Is he hurt? - Oh, no, no, he's fine.
As soon as he comes back, I'll tell you what.
He's gonna call you personally in your dormitory room and send you a signed photograph as well as the hat, the DVDs and the tote bag.
Is the station on the way to the airport? The police station is in Pahrump.
- Well, Nevada's on the way to New York.
- Yes, it is.
- He says it's fine.
- What's fine? We'll stop there on the way.
Yes, that's exactly what we're gonna do.
We're all gonna get on the NBS jet and go to Pahrump, Nevada.
Won't find any high-level executives from AOL Time Warner in Pahrump, Nevada.
I can promise you that.
Let me make a quick phone call.
It became a state in 1864, I believe.
Its silver and gold production were needed to help finance the Civil War.
- You don't like kids and dogs? - Yeah, or orphans.
Why? Is that bad? It's Jordan.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Really? Okay.
Be at Santa Monica Airport in an hour.
Get on the jet with Jack and David Langenthal.
- Jack's getting a judge there.
- Let's go.
- You can't go.
- It's gonna be fine.
I'll watch a rehearsal feed on my laptop, be on the phone the whole day.
- What about me? - No parties, loud music, don't play matches.
This isn't a problem.
Except if Tom doesn't make it back or they hold Simon you're gonna have to write an alternate show.
Pahrump's a funny name.
Yeah.
Listen, I suspect there are gonna be people coming soon to try to help me.
They're gonna mean well, but is there a way I can get it on the record that they're not with me? Let's just get inside, this'll be over soon.
Booney.
How are you? - Just fine, this is Tom Jeter.
I just need some signatures Here and here.
Mr.
Jeter, you were driving through Pahrump and didn't RSVP to our citation for speeding and reckless endangerment.
I understand.
It was unforgivably forgetful of me.
- Forgetful? - Yes, sir.
Hey, nice.
Is that your dog? - That's Daisy.
- I got a basset hound too.
Tricolored.
I'm a basset-hound guy.
I subscribe to the newsletter, the Basset Hound Bugler.
Hey, girl.
She probably smells Roscoe.
No.
She's trained.
Would you uncuff him, please? I'm gonna need you to empty your pockets.
- Danny? - Yeah.
"Delta Air Lines has asked a U.
S.
Bankruptcy court for permission to outsource 1800 jobs.
It's still unclear from court filings how the 9-year-old Malaysian children will reach the steering wheel.
" It's not bad, it's not great.
Delta doesn't employ children.
Malaysian or otherwise.
Yeah.
It's just a joke about corporate America in general.
Okay, you hear the one about the black guy who can run fast while eating watermelon and collecting welfare? It's not about you, it's about black people in general.
God, Jack, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that corporations had been the butt of stereotyping for 400 years.
You're doing a sketch where you get around rules about taking the Lord's name in vain? - Yeah.
- You're not anymore.
Okay.
What do you mean? - I mean okay, I'll cut it.
- Just like that? Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to fight you for five rounds.
Jordan told you to take a dive? As a courtesy to you.
She said you hadn't won one in a while This? This is what you call a win? Getting him to take us and not Time Warner, that's a win.
Getting you to cut a sketch is chewing a stick of gum.
Bad enough I'm an errand boy today, arranging autographs for teenyboppers and getting Jeter out of jail.
I got you and McDeere patronizing me? You know what? Keep the damn sketch, I don't need the win.
It's your funeral.
I'm cutting the sketch because I don't like it.
But I don't think anybody's going to a funeral, so let's relax.
- Danny.
- Yeah? I wouldn't get many eggs in Jordan's basket.
I don't think she's gonna make it through this anymore.
Now you relax.
- This is yours? - Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
Jeter, but you're carrying this in the wrong state.
- I know.
- Wait here while I start the work on this.
Yes, sir.
I'm a basset-hound guy.
What do you mean, you don't think she's gonna make it anymore? Help yourself to whatever you need.
I could get you a snack if you'd like.
I mean, enough is enough.
Here you go.
Thumbed her nose at money printing in Search and Destroy.
It didn't meet her moral standards while letting HBO bid her up on a commercially untenable show about the United Nations.
- She has a sordid sex history - Jack - which will continue to get more sordid as her psycho ex-husband lobs bombs at us every time he feels the spotlight dimming.
She's getting chummy with the artists when she should be with the TMG brass and a boss to the talent.
She delights in tweaking the religious community every bit as much as Matt does.
Not true, no one delights in tweaking the religious community as much as Matt does.
And she seldom raises her voice.
- Why is that bad? - It's not.
It's good, I like it, I like her.
I'm rooting for her.
But if her firing is inevitable, I have to do it, not the company, or I'll be weakened.
Well, yeah, but if you stood up for her I am standing by her right now.
Why you think she hasn't been fired already? God, it's just gossip columns.
Hollywood isn't run by liberals, it's run by companies.
You could look for a long time before finding a liberal on the board of directors of those companies.
They don't like this girl, Danny.
She's embarrassing them.
Electrics is asking, does the up-center gobo switch out before or after the second break? Well, I'll ask Danny because he's the one that knows what those words mean.
The cast of a Fellini film is on a Gulfstream jet headed to Pahrump, Nevada.
Danny, Simon, Jack Rudolph, an NBS lawyer named David Langenthal and the only billionaire communist in the world and his daughter, a viola player.
- What's gonna happen when they get there? - It's a holiday in Nevada.
So they're gonna find an unhappy judge who probably wasn't predisposed to like us in the first place.
Tom fights the culture wars? - Lf he wants to make it back here by dress.
- I should be on that plane too.
- Yeah? - Danny wouldn't let me go.
Well, we are running low on cast members and executive producers.
- Matt - Why in the world didn't you tell me about what happened outside the restaurant? Wasn't a big deal, happens all the time.
- It wasn't a big deal? - No.
So Tom was being held on a routine charge of assault? Tom barely touched the guy.
He got in between me and the guy.
Guy doesn't want Tom in jail, he wants money.
Thanks for the analysis, but he doesn't want Tom's money.
He wants the network's money.
Why didn't you tell me what happened? You'd just given me the wrath of a righteous man, remember? - Look - I meant to say rant of a righteous man.
I'm asking some people to come and help me prepare an alternate show in case Tom doesn't make it back.
If they end up booking Simon for possession you gotta do News 60 alone.
You can put Alex or Dylan with me.
It's Simon's chair.
- You're right.
- Okay.
I don't even know what the sides are in the culture wars.
Well, your side hates my side because you think we think you're stupid.
And my side hates your side because we think you're stupid.
- Twenty minutes? - Yeah.
Hi.
Guess with you being a TV personality, I should be expecting a army of Hollywood agents throwing their weight around.
No, it's not like that at all.
I'm Jack Rudolph, I'm the chairman of NBS.
The governor's office mentioned I was coming.
This is a Black American Express Card.
I can post a million-dollar bond with it, so let's get going.
- This can't possibly be happening to me.
- You all right? - I'm fine.
Can I? Don't say anything till I tell you to.
You have three years of law school this morning? Everybody, please.
Deputy, my name's David Langenthal, counsel's office at NBS.
I've been asked to straighten this out so Mr.
Jeter could be back in time for his live broadcast.
Well, as I explained to your colleague, Mr.
Dyson Mr.
Jeter is on a no-bail hold.
He can't be released until he appears in front of a judge.
- We know that.
- Problem is that today is Nevada Day.
A holiday in the state of Nevada.
And all state and municipal employees have the day off.
You're working.
- Somebody's gotta police the streets.
Right.
We wouldn't want the streets of Pahrump exposed to the dangers of Tom.
- Simon.
A judge is coming.
- We were told a judge is coming.
- Yes, sir, I'm told a judge is on his way.
Took him off his fishing trip.
He's not gonna be happy.
How about if I buy him a boat, will that make him happier? Jack, why don't you all sit down? Can I ask you how Mr.
Jeter came to be extradited? On August 16th, Mr.
Jeter was cited for speeding and reckless endangerment after being stopped going in excess of 120 miles per hour in a 65-mile-per-hour zone.
When he failed to appear as ordered before a judge, an FTA that's "failure to appear," was issued along with a bench warrant and the charge was moved up to a B felony.
That's extraditable.
Well, that makes sense.
Good job.
We've just gotta wait for the judge.
Where's my jacket? They've got it.
- It's got a joint in one of the pockets.
- Let's light it up.
- Did you tell them it was yours? - Shut up, I'm already here.
The joint's mine.
The joint in his jacket pocket was mine, it was my jacket.
He's not cool enough to have a jacket like that, it's my jacket.
Simon, please.
- Put it on the record.
- We'll wait for the judge.
- You tell them why you were speeding? - No.
- Tell them why.
- No.
- Why not? - Because.
- Officer, there's a very good reason why Simon.
No.
Listen, I appreciate your all wanting to help but just out of curiosity, what were you planning on doing once you got here? - Tom? - Yes? You sent assassins? Tom, this is Zhiang Tao.
Just roll with it.
A potential TMG business partner, and this is his daughter, Kim who flew here with her father on their way to New York just to meet you as Wilson White promised them she could.
- Okay.
- Me, my friends think you're the greatest.
You want me to make it out to Kim? - It's my joint.
- Shut up.
Well, it all started like this.
Harriet was born and became a homophobe.
So Tom had to fend off some gay street toughs one of whom is pressing charges.
From there, they found an outstanding warrant for failing to appear for a speeding ticket in a place called Pahrump, Nevada.
Tom had borrowed Simon's jacket, and the rest you know.
I have every hope that they'll be back for dress, but if they're not we're gonna put on a new show.