Sullivan and Son (2012) s01e07 Episode Script

Look how pretty this girl is.
Wow.
Oh, she is beautiful.
Why are you showing this to me? She will be your new girlfriend, and then she will be your wife.
What? I have been impersonating you on the Korean dating site seoul mates.
You went online and pretended to be me? Actually, I pretended to be better than you.
No one wants a lawyer who quit to become a bartender.
Her name is Grace Kim.
She has many accomplishments and has never come in second in anything in her life.
Oh, no.
And when you meet her, remember you went to Harvard, you were first in your class, and you invented Facebook.
What? That little nerd stole your idea.
Yeah, I don't get it.
Why do I have to marry Korean? You didn't.
Yeah.
All of a sudden, I'm not good enough? Steve needs a Korean wife, like all American men need Korean wives.
A Korean wife will not let you wallow in all this "I need you to hug me, I just lost a leg" crap.
I'm not meeting Grace Kim, mom.
I already know I don't like her because you do.
Fine.
But remember -- when she comes here, just say something smart about the Internet.
- Dad, help me out.
- No can do.
Look, all I know is if you fight her head on, you'll lose.
Koreans don't just fight to the death.
Those people will rise from the dead and fight you again.
Nothing's scarier than a Korean zombie.
Good news is you're half zombie.
da, da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da It's the hot girl Steve's mom found for him on the Internet.
Man, we should try online dating.
Oh.
It doesn't always work.
Sometimes you set up a new profile and you upload a nice picture and you don't get any hits at all.
I-I know a guy.
You did online dating and didn't get one hit? What'd you write in your profile? Just that I was a guy without much going for him, who hangs out at a bar, and when life knocks me down, I stay down.
You are exactly my type! What makes for a good profile, anyway? I don't know.
Look up some popular guys, see what they wrote.
So, Doug, you come here often? Yeah, yeah.
Every night, Hank.
Yeah.
Me too! I have chills right now.
Look at this guy.
He's got like a million hits.
He likes the penguins, Iron City beer, and he "enjoys listening to you more than talking about himself.
" His moves have moves.
So, Doug, would you be interested in seeing each other outside the bar? - I want to meet this guy.
- You do? This guy gets a lot of women.
We could learn from this guy.
How do we get him down here? Hey, Steve's mom pretended to be him to get a hot chick down here.
We just need to pretend to be a hot chick to get him down here.
- Yeah! - When he gets down here, he's gonna be pretty pissed when he sees it's you guys and not a hot chick.
I don't know, Steve.
I think he'll see the humor in that.
Oh, my God.
It just occurred to me.
This guy could be the fifth musketeer! What the hell are you talking about? The fifth musketeer that we've been looking for all these years.
We've been looking for a fifth musketeer? We're musketeers? When did that happen? In grade school.
Me, you, Roy, and Ahmed became the four musketeers.
And we've been looking for the exact right fifth musketeer to join us.
On our adventures and stuff.
You guys looking for a fifth musketeer? Doug, look, man, I'm sorry, but we're full now.
Please re-apply next year.
You know what I like? He's handsome, but he's approachably handsome.
Yeah.
No one looks like they do online.
I guarantee you the Korean chick is not as hot as her picture.
Hi, are you Steve Sullivan? I'm Grace Kim.
Holy crap, you're as hot as your picture.
Please, let's sit.
Okay.
I couldn't help but overhear that you were rejected by the musketeers.
I'm thinking that you and I could be the dynamic duo.
Thanks for the offer, but I'm just gonna reapply.
I appreciate your honesty.
So, you're seriously not mad at me? I think it's hysterical.
I have the same mother.
I didn't want to go to business school, so she filled out the applications.
- Then you know.
- Yes! Listen, I'm nothing like my mom.
I want to love somebody because of their vulnerabilities, not despite them.
I want to take care of someone.
I want to bake pie for a man.
And I want to eat your pie.
I mean The pie that you bake.
- I'm gonna stop talking now.
- Mm-hmm.
I can't believe that guy from the dating site's actually coming here.
How'd you guys pull it off? His real name is Ryan.
He really responded to our fake profile.
See, he dates a lot of women but never one who likes football and beer-induced naps.
So, other than the fact that we're not hot women, - we're perfect for him.
- Totally perfect! God, I hope he likes me.
You know? My heart's beating a mile a minute.
We're thinking about keeping it to just the musketeers.
And you're not a musketeer.
You didn't even know you were a musketeer till yesterday! - Hey, Steve.
- Hey, Grace.
I didn't know you were coming in today.
I was just running to work and wanted to drop this off.
I baked a pie for you.
Oh, my God.
Is this apple pecan? I remember you said it was your favorite.
Apple-pecan -- that's a combination pie.
Two things.
One pie.
Hold on to her.
Grace, nice to see you again.
Easy on the pie.
When Steve was a boy, I had to put him in husky pants.
- Thanks, mom.
- Don't be embarrassed.
I don't care what you eat.
I feel like a person should just have what they want.
You do? Don't you believe you should deny yourself every pleasure? Actually, I believe the opposite of that.
If your child got a "B," would you punish him physically or physically and mentally? Neither.
Because if you raised him right he'd beat himself up? No.
Uh, I think we put too much pressure on kids as it is.
Steve, I've got to run.
Bye.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! She's the other kind of Korean woman! The kind that is docile and nice and overly accommodating.
There's another kind of Korean woman? I didn't know there were two models.
Yes! And this kind of Korean woman is no good for Steve.
Well, well, well.
Looks like your little plan backfired.
Maybe you learned a lesson, mom, about staying out of my life.
This model doesn't have that feature.
But I-I-I wouldn't trade it in for the world.
It's a -- it's a classic.
Sweetie, I love your new hairdo.
Aww, thanks, Carol.
At least someone noticed.
My boyfriend sure didn't.
Oh, honey, guys never notice your hair.
If you want them to notice something, put it in this area.
Seriously.
I think that women should rent out this space for advertisers.
Notice anything about me, Steve? Is that a new pen? Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Nice.
Hey, he's here.
He just walked in.
Let's wait and watch his moves.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I'm looking for a young woman named Royella Ahmed.
What? It's hard coming up with a fake name.
I'm sorry.
I don't know who that is.
Ah, no worries.
Hey, did you just do something different with your hair? Um, yes, but I've never met you before.
Oh, no, I know, but I could just tell.
It's a good cut for you.
It frames your face really well.
It's not like you were starting with nothing.
ILove you.
She changed her hair? I thought she just got a new pen.
So, what's with you? You gonna stand there all night, or you gonna order something? People think you're rude, don't they? But you're not rude, right? You just don't like where this country's headed.
I mean, I get it.
Look, people get ribbons just for showing up and people get trophies for nothing.
But that's not you.
You have your own thing going.
You're the America that we used to be, and that's why I salute you.
I'll get you free beer.
Why, hello.
Hi.
I'm looking for Royella Ahmed? I'm Royella Ahmed.
You -- you don't look like your picture.
Sweetheart, nobody does.
Don't listen to her.
I'm the real Royella Ahmed.
I'm the one you've been talking to online.
My real name's Owen.
That's Steve behind the bar.
That's Roy and Ahmed.
Me and the guys saw your profile online and it just It really blew us away.
So you guys are gay? No.
No, we were looking for girls online, and we saw how many hits your profile got, and we just wanted to meet you.
Yeah, we want to learn how to pick up girls from you.
Well, here's your first tip.
Uh, don't do it like this.
- Let us buy you a beer.
- Look, I don't know.
Got Iron City on tap.
Iron City, huh? All right, I suppose one beer won't hurt.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! You guys are awesome.
No, you're awesome! No, you know what I think? We're all awesome! Yeah! I can't remember the last time I hung out at a bar with a bunch of guys.
Drinking brew-brews with bro-bros? Exactly.
You know, I just -- I love what you guys have together.
Friendship, just guys hanging out -- I've never had that.
Even in high school? Yeah, all my high-school friends just grew up and moved on with their lives.
Then we're the perfect guys for you.
We don't move on with our lives! Yeah! I'm gonna ask him.
Owen, don't just spring this on the man.
It's too soon.
You're wrong.
It's time.
Ryan, will you be our fifth musketeer? What? We're kind of the four musketeers, and we're looking for a fifth.
Wow, you know what? That's so weird.
Because I've always felt like this lone musketeer in search for the other four musketeers.
Am I the only one who read the book? There were only three musketeers.
Well, if I know Owen, he's talking about the cartoon.
In the cartoon, there was a fourth.
He was part-time.
Didn't get healthcare.
I would be honored to be your fifth musketeer.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Boom! All right! Boom! - Hey, what the heck! - All right! Whoo! Hey, you know what? Maybe we should do that dynamic-duo thing.
That ship has sailed.
You know what this game needs? The fifth musketeer.
Just texted him.
He's on his way over.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Hey! Hey! Hey! - What's up, man? - All right.
Yeah.
Nice shot! Ohh! - Yeah.
- Yeah! I had a good day today.
You guys have a good day? For lunch I had this really great soup in a bread bowl.
You guys like sourdough, or? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! So, is this it? We just kind of stare at a tv.
And we don't get to talk about our lunches or days? I'm not sure what you want us to do.
Well, I want you to turn off the tv and look at me like I mean something to you.
I mean, last night, I leave and I'm -- you know, I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world.
I'm the fifth musketeer.
All for one and one for all.
But you know what I'm feeling right now? None for all.
Are you mad at us? Well, no, I'm not -- I'm not mad.
I just -- I'm kind of confused, you know? Like, I mean, maybe this is what it's like for a bunch of guys hanging out.
I don't know.
But what I do know is yesterday I came in here, and I got a bunch of man squeezes from each of you.
But now I go for a man squeeze, I kind of feel like I'm downgraded to a fist bump, which is what you did, but I don't want that.
Fist bumps are not cool with me.
That's pushing somebody away.
Excuse me, I just want to say that my friends and I find your your whole vibe just amazing.
Do you want to come back to my place and hang out -- excuse me, but do you see that I'm in the middle of something here? Look, guys, I'm all in, okay? So, you guys need to figure out what you want out of this relationship.
I want to go home with those girls.
Ahmed, girls like that are a dime a dozen.
I could have sex six times tonight before I even get back to my car.
How far away are you parked? Okay, listen, when you guys are ready to connect on a much deeper level and talk with emotions, not just words, why don't you give me a ring, okay? Where are you going? I'm gonna go bang those three girls.
I hurt their feelings.
I feel really terrible.
Hey, guys, I was wrong.
How did he do that? Steve, come look at your new girlfriend.
Her name is Marcy Mintz.
Seriously? You pretended to be me again? Yes! I put you on the Jewish dating site, J-date.
I'm not Jewish.
I told Marcy you were half.
Just tell her I'm the most important person in your life.
That'll sell it.
When did you get your first violin? Four.
I got mine at three.
She made me play it while I was potty training.
Steve.
I must speak with you.
Oh, mom, you remember grace.
Yes, yes.
Good to see you, what's-your-face.
Steve, come on.
I need to talk to you about an important bar matter -- that I would make up if I cared more.
Sorry.
I'll be right back.
What's going on, mom? Am I too happy for you? Yes.
But that's not why I'm here.
You must go over and say hello to Marcy Mintz.
She's here? Are you kidding me? I told you I didn't want to meet her.
So, you're going to stand up a date you didn't even set up? You're that guy? No, you're that guy.
And I'm already on a date I didn't even set up.
This one is better.
She likes to drive angry and has no problem eating pork.
Then you date her.
What was that all about? Oh, it was nothing.
It was just my mom being my mom.
Marcy.
How do you keep such a nice figure? Oh, well, I do pilates, and I watch my carbs.
Oh.
Interesting.
So you will remain beautiful and trim while others eat pie and blow up into parade-balloon wife.
Hey, guys, Ryan wants to know what we're doing for the super bowl.
The Super Bowl is six months away.
He's a planner.
Hey, guys, Ryan wants to know our birthdays.
He's making a birthday calendar.
I don't know your birthdays.
Do we do birthdays? Wow.
Seems a little needy.
He's not needy.
That's just how musketeer's roll.
Oh, yeah.
Ahmed, Ryan wants to know if you're mad at him.
You haven't texted back.
You know, he is a little weird.
I mean, he's always asking me what I'm thinking.
You never ask me what I'm thinking.
Because I don't care what you're thinking.
Thank you.
Ryan wants to get together and talk about "us.
" Hmm.
I'm gonna need more beer to have that conversation.
Why are you guys putting up with this? We put up with this because Ryan's gonna teach us how to get girls.
Guys, he's texting you.
He's wants to talk about the future.
Now he wants to talk about the relationship? You met a girl.
It's him.
Ryan is your girlfriend.
Oh, my God.
Ryan is our girlfriend.
And he's so high-maintenance.
What do we do? Maybe we should tell him we just want to be friends.
We did that already.
Well, do what all guys do.
Act like an asshole so they break up with you.
Oh, that's good.
That's a classic.
Hey.
What's up, fellow musketeers? You know what? I got an idea for this weekend.
Oh, hey, Ryan.
About this weekend -- I've got a thing.
I've got a thing, too.
It's a different thing, but it's a thing.
What's going on, guys? Will you look at me? Listen, Ryan, I think what the guys are trying to tell you is, uh, this might be moving too fast.
What? They just need some space.
Oh, gosh.
You guys are breaking up with me.
Ryan, it's not you.
It's them.
I know.
I always do this with my guy friends.
You know, that's why I never am able to be friends with guys.
I just -- ugh.
I'm such a loser.
Excuse me, but I find myself uncontrollably drawn to your -- Can you give me minute? Why do they always want to interrupt me when I'm, like, doing something important? I don't get it.
This isn't important.
That is important! I've already forgotten what we're talking about.
Okay, but, Steve, I want more.
You know, yeah, I can take that girl home and I can do naked yoga with her and have a combined seven orgasms, but I've been there and I've done that.
- You've done that?! - You've done that?! Steve, help me.
Help me figure out how to get a man and keep a man.
Listen to yourself.
I'd help you with it if it freaking mattered! You want more guy friends? Stand on the corner -- hand out meatball subs.
Did I hear "meatball subs"? Wow.
Korean tough love.
Well, you know what? Thank you, Steve.
Thank you very much.
Hey, guys? Sorry for pushing too hard, you know? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go bang another beautiful woman.
And the whole time I'm doing it, I'm going to be thinking, "I wish I was a musketeer.
" That's interesting.
'Cause the whole time I've been a musketeer, I've been wishing I was banging a beautiful woman.
Marcy, I'm sorry my mom asked you to come down again.
She doesn't take no for an answer.
Me neither.
Hey, Steve.
I thought I'd just drop by and bring you this cookie pie.
Whoa.
Oh, excuse me.
We're on a date here.
It's not a date.
It's a conversation.
Oh, great, I'll tell the dating site it should be called J-conversation.
Uh, you went on J-date? No! I'm not even "J.
" But the children will be "J.
" - Children? - No children.
That is not a pie, by the way, because pie has fruit in it.
So you're dating both of us? I'm not dating her.
She's only here because my mother thinks you're too nice.
So, you think I'm too nice? Way too nice.
Is this too nice? I was wrong about her.
She's perfect for you! Steve, go get her! She's your future wife!