Sunnyside (2015) s01e07 Episode Script
War Is Hell
1 You're the Mayor! You're the Mayor.
You're the Mayor.
The guy wears a sash, calls himself the Mayor, how does that work? Sunnyside's a neighbourh You're the Mayor.
You're the Mayor.
You're the Mayor.
Hi, Mr.
Mayor! I'm the Mayor! How are you still single, Calliope? I don't know, some people say it's because I have low self-esteem, but I think it's 'cause I'm a fat idiot.
No way.
If I wasn't married to Ginny, I would snap you up like that.
Huh.
Just a sec.
Would you like a burrito? Isn't this the alternate reality store? Yeah, but we're zoned as a food truck.
My friend James is perfect, old fashioned, but he's married and he's super faithful.
I just want him to be single.
Twenty bucks.
Would you like nachos with that? No, I'll pass.
Hand on the globe.
James? Jesus Christ.
Don't use the Lord's name in vain.
Uh! Oh, my gosh! That priest just totally decked that woman.
Of course, that's Father James, the Punching Priest.
Hey, kids.
You like wagons? Wanna buy some narcotics? Drugs are bad.
Look behind you.
What? Uh! Looks like the Punching Priest totally blam-basted Bazra.
Poor Bazra, you dead, baby? Obviously he's dead.
Grab his wallet.
I'm not dead.
Put his wallet back.
Thank you.
Please get undressed.
Oh, undressed, I can see where this is going.
Put the gown on.
I prefer au naturel, I think we're all comfortable with the human body here.
The doctor will be right in, I am just going to check your vitals.
You're not the doctor? No, I'm the nurse.
Really? Do your parents know? That I'm a nurse? Yes, of course.
Not everybody's parents are so understanding.
I had a cousin who died in the closet, literally.
He was in there with the pool man, never heard the carbon monoxide alarm.
Just because I'm a male nurse, doesn't mean I'm gay.
Oh, well in that case you mind helping me with my zipper? I have a little trouble getting it over my ample, milky bosom.
Uh, oh I I am gay.
Just has nothing to do with me being a male nurse.
Well, did you always know you were a 'nurse' or was it a conscious choice? It was a choice, one I'm proud of.
If being a nurse was a choice, you ever toyed with the idea of being with a willing woman? 'Cause I have definitely toyed with the idea of being with a man.
In fact that's all I've ever done toyed.
I'm a real live virgin.
See for yourself.
Uh, I'll let the doctor take care of that.
Well, I certainly hope that the doctor is not a nurse.
Hello, you must be Molly.
How can we help today? Oh, crap.
What does a woman have to do to be alone with a man in her underwear these days? Hello, welcome.
Oh, Bobby I bet you didn't expect to see me here, did you, Tom? Look, this isn't a good time, your ex is here.
I don't care! Bobby! Wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Hmmm.
- Bobby, you are not welcome here.
Mary, stay out of this, OK? This is between me and Marilla.
So, first you steal my heart, and then you steal my friends!? Calm yourself, Bobby.
Me calm myself? Why don't you tell her to calm herself.
Bobby, I think it's time that you leave.
Fine.
I'll leave.
But she'll be leaving too when I call Immigration! Tom, what is he talking about? Marilla is not a legal resident.
If she's caught by Immigration, she'll be shipped back to Argentina where tegus are used for meat.
If I can't have you, no one else can.
Bobby, please, you are talking about my best friend's life.
What's left of it.
Tom, what is he talking about!? Marilla's twenty years old, that's the average life span of a tegu.
She maybe has three months to live.
Is this true, Marilla? Oh, you monster.
You come in here and you torture her with your words.
She's barely aware of what's going on.
Tom, what is he talking about!? She's a lizard, Mary! A dumb, dumb lizard.
It all makes sense.
Her vacant eyes, her round, blunted pig-like teeth.
Why didn't I see this before? I honestly don't know, this whole thing's been super weird for me since the beginning.
Because, Mary, you saw what we all saw.
Marilla is not just a lizard.
Yes, yes she is.
No.
She's a person.
No she isn't.
Bobby's right.
No, he isn't.
Maybe you're the one who should leave, Tom.
This is my house.
Oh, is that how it is? Wow! Okay.
This sucks for me.
Move out! Go, go, go, go! Not that I'm complaining, but what's with all the military guys around here? Just a guess, but, uh, there's some kind of war going on? Okay, then, what's the funnier town name? Yorkeys Knob, Australia? Or Dildo, Newfoundland? Duck! What? There's a place called 'Duck'? Now I get it.
Move, move, move! Dixon.
If you're not busy, could you pick up some tampons from the drugstore? The soccer game is just starting, I've been looking forward to this.
Good, you're not busy.
Thanks.
Come on! Come on, come on! Come on! Are you crazy, mister!? There's a war going on, you shouldn't be here! Yeah, I'm just going to the drugstore for my wife.
Picking up tampons, huh? That feels a little personal.
The drug store is in enemy hands, but not for long, we called in an airstrike.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, I'm not really into politics or anything so You'll never make it.
Not with that machine gun nest on top of that food truck.
Damn, those tacos smell good.
- Here, take this.
- What? You can't give out guns! His wife needs tampons.
Huh, not really into shooty shoots, but OK.
Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa! No, not funny? Just funny to me? All right.
Go, go, go! I'm going, I'm going.
Civilian, drop your weapon! Uh! Can I have the, uh, Special? Hey, I need those things for when ladies are on their grumpy days.
Tampons, dude.
They're tampons.
Grow up.
- Okay.
- Aisle two, bottom, below the shampoos.
Thanks.
Take no prisoners! Fire! Stand back! Aaah! Oh, hey look.
- Run! - Some butterfinger dropped their Tampons.
For you, obviously.
Finally the game.
Waiting for this for so long.
Donna, you saved my life! Yeah? You got the wrong ones.
You have to go back to the store.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been seven weeks since my last confession.
Seven weeks? Turn your phones off in the church.
Oh, sorry, Father, it's my phone.
Oh! Move, move, move! Hey, kid, what's up? I wanna live in a world where priests don't punch people in the head.
That'll be $83.
45.
There, keep the change.
Hand on the globe.
Can I also have a chimichanga? We don't sell food here.
You must be thinking of an alternate reality.
No fair.
Gum? No fair! Teddy, hun, I'm home! Ma, what're you doing here, it's your book club day.
Cancelled.
What's all this? It's nothin', Ma.
Is this a date? Aww, my little Teddy weddy's growing up so fast! Don't, Ma Well, it's not everyday my little pharmacist brings home a girl! You remember that Linda, she didn't last very long.
She was just installing the cable, Ma.
Oh, butt fuzz.
Okay, you just say a quick 'hi' and then you're gone.
Okay.
Hi.
Does my little Teddy-gram have something for his little Denise? Mm-hmm! Oh, I meant those little yellow pills that I like.
Okay.
This is who you bring home? A zombie stripper!? I know you're in a rush, Ma Denise! Want some wine? Aah, thank you, lover boy.
I'll have one here and one for the road.
Maybe just a glass for now? Lover boy? Forget this reefer queen liar! Who are you calling a liar, denture-face? You say you're married to an astronaut, pfft What? Daddy was an astronaut, right? He died in an exploding centrifuge.
W We have a piece of it right here! Right? Aluminum siding? Why, you little lamp post lassie! Guys, don't! My soufflé is gonna fall! You're strong! But I've put down johns twice your size.
Well, I know when I'm not wanted.
Oh, come on, don't, Ma If you need me, I will be out in that war zone, awaiting Jesus to take me home! You Ma! Don't do this! Ma! Ma! Don't do this! Ma! Don't do this! Ma! Ma! Well, I have to go talk to her.
Oh, let her cool off, let's have some cozy time on the couch.
Okay.
Great.
Come on, girls, we're having cozy time with wine.
They blew off both my legs! I'll never walk again! Come on, Ma, stop pretending, you drive everywhere! Looks like there's some kinda firefight up ahead.
You and your idiot shortcuts.
Well, it's not my fault.
Traffic is bad today.
That's an idiot statement.
The traffic is bad.
Yeah, but no one ever talks about traffic being good.
Yeah, sure they do.
No, they don't.
Idiot.
Look, do you want a ride to dialysis or not? Nevermind.
That was the hospital.
Karen! It's Kayla.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry, Kayla.
Ugh! As a mayor, I promise I'll end this damn war! Well, provided of course, that I can replace the income I make selling weapons to both sides.
So what's the deal here? Do I get my 200 bucks back, or Do you have Karen's number? I adore you got the choice of the mashed potatoes Graham! What are you doing here? What a coincidene.
Please stop bothering me.
This dinner is about me and Marcy.
She's still sad about her cat.
Hi, Marcy.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Okay, well, you've spied now, you can go.
What, me? Spied? I'm also here with a friend.
Right there.
That woman is your friend? What's her name? - P.
J.
- P.
J.
? I don't believe you.
Oh, really? Hey, P.
J.
! You've never mentioned P.
J.
before.
That's weird.
Say, if you're planning on staying over at Marcy's again tonight Well, I was considering it, I mean, you're still having night terrors, right? Well, I was wondering if it's OK if P.
J.
slept over.
I can't believe you're asking me this.
I mean, I know I've been busy helping Marcy with her grieving process, but that is still my house and that is still my bed, and you are still my husband! What the hell, Carla? I just thought you wouldn't mind.
Wouldn't mind? You tell me that you're sleeping with another woman to my face? I would never tell that to your face! We made a vow not to tell that to each other's faces! You know what? Marcy is done grieving.
Marcy No Oh, that's good news! Marcy's done grieving.
We should get you and me back home and What about P.
J.
? Who's that? Oh, him? That's her that's her brother.
Oh, my god, yes! Yes! P.
J.
asked you to have dinner the same night that her brother proposes to her? Maybe if I hurry, I can still catch up with Marcy and apologize.
Wait, Carla I'm wearing ladies underwear.
I thought you might like that.
What is wrong with you? Ugh.
They're surprisingly comfortable! They caress my skin with each step I take.
It's like I was born to wear them.
Latte, double sugar.
Two sugars, I'm gonna have to see your ration book.
Ration book? Stupid war.
Of course, I could give you one of my sugar stamps, but you'll have to give me some sugar in return.
I'll take it black.
Ugh, war is hell.
Yeah, I know, that's why I like it.
Fall back, fall back now! Come on, let's go, go, go, go! Aah, wartime.
The only place people can find solace is in each other's arms.
Never gonna happen.
Well, you can't shoot a man for trying, right? Apparently you can! Where the hell did that come from? So, handsome, you wanna make a special memory to take back to the front? Since the battle flare went off in my eyes, all I can see is shapes and colours.
But I've imagined you, and you're awfully pretty.
Free refill? Back off, Shaytan, Molly just hit pay dirt.
The enemy is advancing! Oh, no, where's my unit!? Oh, no, you don't have to go back to work already, do you? We hereby liberate this coffee shop from the enemy! I surrender.
I guess I'm completely at your mercy now.
Hmm.
Left, left, left right left Left, left, left right left Left, left, left right left Left Halt! Hey, folks! I have in my hand an agreement signed by both sides to cease hostilities immediately! From this day forward, the Dan Army wearing the red flags, having given me a sum of $10,000, have forthwith an exclusive dominion over Sunnyside and all of its natural resources! And I also made the same deal with the other army.
It's time to start the re-building process, starting with building me a nice deck at the back of my house with a brand-new hot tub! Don't worry, I will share this money with all of you by shopping locally when I buy a bunch of great stuff for me unless I can get a better deal online! This is a happy day.
As a career soldier, I've learned just one thing: war is a goddamn nightmare.
Lord's name in vain! Uhh! Get out of my way! How can there be a punching priest when I paid good money for a different reality? No fair!
You're the Mayor.
The guy wears a sash, calls himself the Mayor, how does that work? Sunnyside's a neighbourh You're the Mayor.
You're the Mayor.
You're the Mayor.
Hi, Mr.
Mayor! I'm the Mayor! How are you still single, Calliope? I don't know, some people say it's because I have low self-esteem, but I think it's 'cause I'm a fat idiot.
No way.
If I wasn't married to Ginny, I would snap you up like that.
Huh.
Just a sec.
Would you like a burrito? Isn't this the alternate reality store? Yeah, but we're zoned as a food truck.
My friend James is perfect, old fashioned, but he's married and he's super faithful.
I just want him to be single.
Twenty bucks.
Would you like nachos with that? No, I'll pass.
Hand on the globe.
James? Jesus Christ.
Don't use the Lord's name in vain.
Uh! Oh, my gosh! That priest just totally decked that woman.
Of course, that's Father James, the Punching Priest.
Hey, kids.
You like wagons? Wanna buy some narcotics? Drugs are bad.
Look behind you.
What? Uh! Looks like the Punching Priest totally blam-basted Bazra.
Poor Bazra, you dead, baby? Obviously he's dead.
Grab his wallet.
I'm not dead.
Put his wallet back.
Thank you.
Please get undressed.
Oh, undressed, I can see where this is going.
Put the gown on.
I prefer au naturel, I think we're all comfortable with the human body here.
The doctor will be right in, I am just going to check your vitals.
You're not the doctor? No, I'm the nurse.
Really? Do your parents know? That I'm a nurse? Yes, of course.
Not everybody's parents are so understanding.
I had a cousin who died in the closet, literally.
He was in there with the pool man, never heard the carbon monoxide alarm.
Just because I'm a male nurse, doesn't mean I'm gay.
Oh, well in that case you mind helping me with my zipper? I have a little trouble getting it over my ample, milky bosom.
Uh, oh I I am gay.
Just has nothing to do with me being a male nurse.
Well, did you always know you were a 'nurse' or was it a conscious choice? It was a choice, one I'm proud of.
If being a nurse was a choice, you ever toyed with the idea of being with a willing woman? 'Cause I have definitely toyed with the idea of being with a man.
In fact that's all I've ever done toyed.
I'm a real live virgin.
See for yourself.
Uh, I'll let the doctor take care of that.
Well, I certainly hope that the doctor is not a nurse.
Hello, you must be Molly.
How can we help today? Oh, crap.
What does a woman have to do to be alone with a man in her underwear these days? Hello, welcome.
Oh, Bobby I bet you didn't expect to see me here, did you, Tom? Look, this isn't a good time, your ex is here.
I don't care! Bobby! Wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Hmmm.
- Bobby, you are not welcome here.
Mary, stay out of this, OK? This is between me and Marilla.
So, first you steal my heart, and then you steal my friends!? Calm yourself, Bobby.
Me calm myself? Why don't you tell her to calm herself.
Bobby, I think it's time that you leave.
Fine.
I'll leave.
But she'll be leaving too when I call Immigration! Tom, what is he talking about? Marilla is not a legal resident.
If she's caught by Immigration, she'll be shipped back to Argentina where tegus are used for meat.
If I can't have you, no one else can.
Bobby, please, you are talking about my best friend's life.
What's left of it.
Tom, what is he talking about!? Marilla's twenty years old, that's the average life span of a tegu.
She maybe has three months to live.
Is this true, Marilla? Oh, you monster.
You come in here and you torture her with your words.
She's barely aware of what's going on.
Tom, what is he talking about!? She's a lizard, Mary! A dumb, dumb lizard.
It all makes sense.
Her vacant eyes, her round, blunted pig-like teeth.
Why didn't I see this before? I honestly don't know, this whole thing's been super weird for me since the beginning.
Because, Mary, you saw what we all saw.
Marilla is not just a lizard.
Yes, yes she is.
No.
She's a person.
No she isn't.
Bobby's right.
No, he isn't.
Maybe you're the one who should leave, Tom.
This is my house.
Oh, is that how it is? Wow! Okay.
This sucks for me.
Move out! Go, go, go, go! Not that I'm complaining, but what's with all the military guys around here? Just a guess, but, uh, there's some kind of war going on? Okay, then, what's the funnier town name? Yorkeys Knob, Australia? Or Dildo, Newfoundland? Duck! What? There's a place called 'Duck'? Now I get it.
Move, move, move! Dixon.
If you're not busy, could you pick up some tampons from the drugstore? The soccer game is just starting, I've been looking forward to this.
Good, you're not busy.
Thanks.
Come on! Come on, come on! Come on! Are you crazy, mister!? There's a war going on, you shouldn't be here! Yeah, I'm just going to the drugstore for my wife.
Picking up tampons, huh? That feels a little personal.
The drug store is in enemy hands, but not for long, we called in an airstrike.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, I'm not really into politics or anything so You'll never make it.
Not with that machine gun nest on top of that food truck.
Damn, those tacos smell good.
- Here, take this.
- What? You can't give out guns! His wife needs tampons.
Huh, not really into shooty shoots, but OK.
Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa! No, not funny? Just funny to me? All right.
Go, go, go! I'm going, I'm going.
Civilian, drop your weapon! Uh! Can I have the, uh, Special? Hey, I need those things for when ladies are on their grumpy days.
Tampons, dude.
They're tampons.
Grow up.
- Okay.
- Aisle two, bottom, below the shampoos.
Thanks.
Take no prisoners! Fire! Stand back! Aaah! Oh, hey look.
- Run! - Some butterfinger dropped their Tampons.
For you, obviously.
Finally the game.
Waiting for this for so long.
Donna, you saved my life! Yeah? You got the wrong ones.
You have to go back to the store.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been seven weeks since my last confession.
Seven weeks? Turn your phones off in the church.
Oh, sorry, Father, it's my phone.
Oh! Move, move, move! Hey, kid, what's up? I wanna live in a world where priests don't punch people in the head.
That'll be $83.
45.
There, keep the change.
Hand on the globe.
Can I also have a chimichanga? We don't sell food here.
You must be thinking of an alternate reality.
No fair.
Gum? No fair! Teddy, hun, I'm home! Ma, what're you doing here, it's your book club day.
Cancelled.
What's all this? It's nothin', Ma.
Is this a date? Aww, my little Teddy weddy's growing up so fast! Don't, Ma Well, it's not everyday my little pharmacist brings home a girl! You remember that Linda, she didn't last very long.
She was just installing the cable, Ma.
Oh, butt fuzz.
Okay, you just say a quick 'hi' and then you're gone.
Okay.
Hi.
Does my little Teddy-gram have something for his little Denise? Mm-hmm! Oh, I meant those little yellow pills that I like.
Okay.
This is who you bring home? A zombie stripper!? I know you're in a rush, Ma Denise! Want some wine? Aah, thank you, lover boy.
I'll have one here and one for the road.
Maybe just a glass for now? Lover boy? Forget this reefer queen liar! Who are you calling a liar, denture-face? You say you're married to an astronaut, pfft What? Daddy was an astronaut, right? He died in an exploding centrifuge.
W We have a piece of it right here! Right? Aluminum siding? Why, you little lamp post lassie! Guys, don't! My soufflé is gonna fall! You're strong! But I've put down johns twice your size.
Well, I know when I'm not wanted.
Oh, come on, don't, Ma If you need me, I will be out in that war zone, awaiting Jesus to take me home! You Ma! Don't do this! Ma! Ma! Don't do this! Ma! Don't do this! Ma! Ma! Well, I have to go talk to her.
Oh, let her cool off, let's have some cozy time on the couch.
Okay.
Great.
Come on, girls, we're having cozy time with wine.
They blew off both my legs! I'll never walk again! Come on, Ma, stop pretending, you drive everywhere! Looks like there's some kinda firefight up ahead.
You and your idiot shortcuts.
Well, it's not my fault.
Traffic is bad today.
That's an idiot statement.
The traffic is bad.
Yeah, but no one ever talks about traffic being good.
Yeah, sure they do.
No, they don't.
Idiot.
Look, do you want a ride to dialysis or not? Nevermind.
That was the hospital.
Karen! It's Kayla.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry, Kayla.
Ugh! As a mayor, I promise I'll end this damn war! Well, provided of course, that I can replace the income I make selling weapons to both sides.
So what's the deal here? Do I get my 200 bucks back, or Do you have Karen's number? I adore you got the choice of the mashed potatoes Graham! What are you doing here? What a coincidene.
Please stop bothering me.
This dinner is about me and Marcy.
She's still sad about her cat.
Hi, Marcy.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Okay, well, you've spied now, you can go.
What, me? Spied? I'm also here with a friend.
Right there.
That woman is your friend? What's her name? - P.
J.
- P.
J.
? I don't believe you.
Oh, really? Hey, P.
J.
! You've never mentioned P.
J.
before.
That's weird.
Say, if you're planning on staying over at Marcy's again tonight Well, I was considering it, I mean, you're still having night terrors, right? Well, I was wondering if it's OK if P.
J.
slept over.
I can't believe you're asking me this.
I mean, I know I've been busy helping Marcy with her grieving process, but that is still my house and that is still my bed, and you are still my husband! What the hell, Carla? I just thought you wouldn't mind.
Wouldn't mind? You tell me that you're sleeping with another woman to my face? I would never tell that to your face! We made a vow not to tell that to each other's faces! You know what? Marcy is done grieving.
Marcy No Oh, that's good news! Marcy's done grieving.
We should get you and me back home and What about P.
J.
? Who's that? Oh, him? That's her that's her brother.
Oh, my god, yes! Yes! P.
J.
asked you to have dinner the same night that her brother proposes to her? Maybe if I hurry, I can still catch up with Marcy and apologize.
Wait, Carla I'm wearing ladies underwear.
I thought you might like that.
What is wrong with you? Ugh.
They're surprisingly comfortable! They caress my skin with each step I take.
It's like I was born to wear them.
Latte, double sugar.
Two sugars, I'm gonna have to see your ration book.
Ration book? Stupid war.
Of course, I could give you one of my sugar stamps, but you'll have to give me some sugar in return.
I'll take it black.
Ugh, war is hell.
Yeah, I know, that's why I like it.
Fall back, fall back now! Come on, let's go, go, go, go! Aah, wartime.
The only place people can find solace is in each other's arms.
Never gonna happen.
Well, you can't shoot a man for trying, right? Apparently you can! Where the hell did that come from? So, handsome, you wanna make a special memory to take back to the front? Since the battle flare went off in my eyes, all I can see is shapes and colours.
But I've imagined you, and you're awfully pretty.
Free refill? Back off, Shaytan, Molly just hit pay dirt.
The enemy is advancing! Oh, no, where's my unit!? Oh, no, you don't have to go back to work already, do you? We hereby liberate this coffee shop from the enemy! I surrender.
I guess I'm completely at your mercy now.
Hmm.
Left, left, left right left Left, left, left right left Left, left, left right left Left Halt! Hey, folks! I have in my hand an agreement signed by both sides to cease hostilities immediately! From this day forward, the Dan Army wearing the red flags, having given me a sum of $10,000, have forthwith an exclusive dominion over Sunnyside and all of its natural resources! And I also made the same deal with the other army.
It's time to start the re-building process, starting with building me a nice deck at the back of my house with a brand-new hot tub! Don't worry, I will share this money with all of you by shopping locally when I buy a bunch of great stuff for me unless I can get a better deal online! This is a happy day.
As a career soldier, I've learned just one thing: war is a goddamn nightmare.
Lord's name in vain! Uhh! Get out of my way! How can there be a punching priest when I paid good money for a different reality? No fair!