Swedish Dicks (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

1 [INGMAR.]
Hollywood Hills.
It wasn't just the home of the rich and famous.
- It was the home of coyotes.
- [HOWLING.]
- And rattlesnakes.
- [HISSING.]
And the Devil himself, Dimitri Nobakov the man I believed to be responsible for killing Tex.
And I had the son of a bitch in the my cross hair.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
All I had to do was pull the trigger.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
But I couldn't do it.
Not until I knew for sure.
Shit! It was at that point I knew if I wanted to hear Dimitri confess to killing Tex, I would have to come up with a clever plan.
[THEME MUSIC.]
Swedish Dicks 1x06 This is Dimitri.
And this is You.
Yeah.
This is me.
And I need to get near Dimitri, because I want to hear him confess that he killed Tex.
Okay? At which point, I'm gonna make sure that he's brought to justice! Yeah! Show him what you got! I'm just emotional.
Oh, no need to apologize.
Just, how are you going to get near Dimitri? By doing business with him.
See here? Dimitri has a fleet of stolen luxury cars, so I'm going to pretend I wanna buy 'em, but in order to do that, I need money a lot of money.
[INGMAR.]
We need to catch both of them to get the full reward.
[SIGHS.]
Coffee? Yeah, why not? [MUFFLED GRUNTS.]
So I was thinking, if we do catch the second bounty today, maybe we could go out for a drink.
You mean you and me? Yeah, like co-workers.
Not like friends? Well, as friends would be nice.
I mean, I haven't actually made any friends here yet.
Well, I have an idea.
Why don't you go out tonight, without me, and see if you can find yourself a friend? Be good for you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, second bounty behind us on bicycle.
Wait, wait, wait! Hold it, hold it! Hold it.
Now! [GROANS.]
[INGMAR.]
Yes, yes! Ha! Ha! My leg! My leg! Yeah, that's him.
Here's your half.
Oh.
Good job.
- What? - What? I'm sorry, Axel, but you can't come! Why don't you go to a bar, throw some of that money around? It's an excellent way to make new friends.
Are you sure you don't want to come? Yeah, I can't.
I'm going to invest these in the stock market.
TDC, let's get it pimpin' [INGMAR.]
Fifteen grand.
Thank you.
Here, thank you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Okay! [CHUCKLES.]
Let's play some goddamn poker, all right? While I was trying to get the money that could get me closer to Dimitri, Axel was in another part of town trying to get closer to well, pretty much anyone.
Hello.
Hey.
Hey.
Yeah, I'm quite new to town.
Don't really have any friends.
Aw.
Do you wanna suck my cock? No.
No, thank you.
I'm looking more for a platonic, non-s sexual relationship.
I think, yeah.
[SARAH.]
Axel! Hey, Sarah! What are you doing here? Well, my dad's not answering my phone calls, so I figured he might be here.
No, it's just me.
Okay, well, I'll tell you and then you can tell him.
You guys are being sued.
By who? A porn producer who has a largely successful line of films called The Swedish Dicks, and now he's suing you into financial oblivion for the copyright infringement.
Hey! I make up for not killing dog by stopping lawsuit.
Okay, I'm sorry, Sun, but exactly how are you going to stop the lawsuit? I put curse on porn man, make his life living hell.
Consider it done.
- Well, I'll tell your dad.
- Great.
The but but in the meantime, can I, uh, buy you a drink? Wait, you know I don't find you physically attractive, right? No, I didn't, but I do now.
Well, great.
So as long as we're good on that, feel free to buy me all the drinks you want.
All in all, it wasn't a bad night of gambling.
But unfortunately, it wasn't enough money to get in business with Dimitri.
When I give you money, you pay me back.
That's how that works.
Fuck you.
- Fuck me? - Yeah.
Fuck you.
Nah, nah, yeah, fuck you.
Come on, man, pull the trigger.
[LAUGHS.]
Don't think just 'cause we're best friends that I won't do it! - Pull it! - Hey, guy guy guy guys.
You mind taking your heated discussion the fuck away from my car? I'm not goin' anywhere until he gives me the money he owes me! - You said that I could have it! - I didn't say you could have it! I said you could borrow it.
Okay, he owes you.
How much? Fifty bucks.
Okay.
Here you go.
[SCOFFS.]
Keepin' that.
Mister, we been in and out of foster homes and prisons our whole life.
Ain't nobody ever give a rat's ass about us.
Yeah.
What's your angle, mister? No angle.
I'm just trying to get you the hell away from my car.
And I don't like to see people shooting each other over fifty bucks.
That's all.
So play nice, kids.
All right, let's get outta here.
I just got fifty bucks.
Mister, do yourself a favor and stay outta there tomorrow night.
Why? All you need to know is you did us a favor, and now we're doin' you one.
[LAUGHS.]
And action! [PORN MUSIC PLAYS.]
Excuse me.
Cut! Are you porn maker who makes porn and intend to sue Swedish Dicks? That would be me, sweetheart.
I think you should rethink what you're thinking.
Stop lawsuit.
Now give me one good reason why I should do that.
If you don't, I put ancient North Korean curse on you.
[LAUGHS.]
Curse? Please, this is the 21st century.
Now get outta here before I call the cops.
You leave me no choice.
[BELL TOLLS.]
May your milk cows go dry.
May your horses go lame.
[BELL TOLLS.]
[SCOFFS.]
That's it? That's your curse? Now I'm gonna put a curse on you, all right? You tell those Swedish Dicks you just cost 'em an even bigger lawsuit! How the hell did she get in here? Jesus.
All right, everybody.
[SLURPS.]
Back to one.
[INGMAR.]
After checking out the two clowns outside the poker game, I was pretty sure what they were up to, and it was all good news until Axel walked into the room.
- What are you watching? -"Dumb and Dumber".
I love that movie, especially like that in the morning.
Mm-hmm.
How did you go last night? Did you find a new friend? Yes, or Yes, technically, it's a new friend but I have known this person for quite some time.
- anyone I know? - What? - Anyone I know? - I heard that.
And then I said "what".
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH SWEDISH.]
- Oh.
- Whatever.
Sarah, what are you doing here? Just came to see how you guys want to handle this whole lawsuit thing.
This whole lawsuit thing? Yeah, didn't Axel tell you? No.
Axel? No, no.
I told him to tell you last night when we were hanging out.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
What do you mean, "we were hanging out"? This is the new friend I was kind of telling you about.
- Hey, Sarah? - Hmm? I want you to unfriend him, and I want you to unfriend him now.
[SCOFFS.]
You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with.
Hey, listen, t t t You're right.
I want you to unfriend her, and I want you to unfriend her now.
It's not like you're thinking, all right? Sarah finds me physically unattractive, right? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Yeah? What about you? Do you find her physically unattractive? Hello? Do you? Of of course I find her attractive.
- Look at her.
She's hot.
- I know.
Right? But, uh, that doesn't mean we can't just be friends.
[SCOFFS.]
I can't even begin to count how many times that I pretended to be a woman's friend just so I could bed her.
"Bed her"? And when were you doing this, in the Middle Ages? A man and a woman can't be friends.
Am I right, Sun? Why you think I avoid friendship with you? I know what happen we go down that road.
Okay, can we get back to things that actually matter? For example, you are being sued by a porn producer who claims he had the name "Swedish Dicks" first.
What? Don't worry! I put curse on him mess him up big time.
What? Yeah, there's nothing that he can sue me for, because I registered the name long time ago.
No, you registered the name "Swedish Dick".
"Dick"! - Yeah! - Not "Swedish Dicks".
Mm, my bad.
Hey, Sun! That curse, will it work? Oh, yeah, baby.
It work big time.
Okay, Sarah.
The name stays.
- [CELL PHONE ALARM BEEPS.]
- Ah, shit! I gotta go.
Ugh.
Oh, hey, um, we're still on for tonight, right? - Yeah! - Okay, good.
Okay.
Bye.
I'll help her with some DJ stuff.
She's going to have a party.
Uh-huh.
- I help her like a friend.
- I'm starting to hate that word.
[INGMAR.]
At this point, I hated Axel, but not as much as I hated Dimitri.
I still had to get the money I needed to approach him, but I knew I was close.
I was certain those two clowns were gonna rob the poker game and when they did, I would rob them.
[GASPS.]
Howdy, friend! Hi, friend! Welcome.
Oh, what is that terrible smell? Oh, that is the smell of I call it "Confusion.
" You know, when I was getting ready to go out tonight, I put on some cologne, but as I was doing it I realized it was my "sexy cologne", you know, the one I use when I wanna be "sexy".
Ah, when you wanna snag a lady? Yeah, exactly.
But then I remembered I was gonna see a friend, so I put on my normal cologne.
Without washing off the first one? Yes.
So, uh, the combination is the bad smell.
Oh.
Well, you know, I said terrible, not bad.
Oh.
- Alcoholic beverage? - Thank you, friend.
[STEREO PLAYING IN BACKGROUND.]
[INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
[INGMAR.]
What the hell are you guys waiting for? [SIGHS.]
Well, what the fuck you mean? We were hanging out a lot.
Because, you were in fuckin' prison! Who was supposed to hang out with her? You gotta be kiddin' me! - One thing led to - You slept with her? Yeah, but you would have done the same thing in my situation, and you know it! [SIGHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Come on, dude.
I'm just so fuckin' angry, man! [SIGHS.]
You know what, you know what, you Oh, you're probably right.
I probably would have.
Enough of this fuckin' arguin' shit, man.
We got a poker game to rob, right? Yup.
Yeah, sweet.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, now, I don't usually do this.
And by not usually, I mean never.
But in honor of your visit, I decided to make you some meatballs of the Swedish variety.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, come on.
Please tell me you're joking.
It's it's like if you came to visit me in Sweden, and I said, "Oh, you're an American, I'm gonna cook you McDonald's for dinner".
And I would actually like that.
- Are you ready to try one? - Absolutely.
Thank you.
How is it? [MUFFLED.]
Um, it's terrible.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, it's that bad? [MUFFLED.]
Yeah, no, I didn't say bad, I said terrible.
Oh, stop it.
- Agh, agh.
Mm-hmm.
- [INDISTINCT MUMBLING.]
Yeah, it tastes like shit.
Uh-huh.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
[MUFFLED.]
Can I spit it out? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, there's a trash right behind you.
- Oh, my God.
- [LAUGHS.]
Mm.
Come on, guys, make your move! She's just so fuckin' hot.
Listen, you gotta cut that shit out.
You know what? You agreed you would have done the same thing in my position! Yeah, well, I lied just like you lied to me! I didn't lie about anything, man! Hey, you guys! Guys! I thought we worked this out last night.
Yeah, well, he's supposed to be my best friend.
He slept with my girlfriend! You did? Yeah, but it wasn't my fault! He was away at prison, and I was hanging out with his girlfriend, you know, just as friends? And the next thing you know - They had sex! - Yes! Because dudes and chicks can't just be friends! They gotta get the dog on, right? Yeah, right.
Can we just pause this conversation for a moment? I need to make a quick call to my daughter.
- You got a daughter? - Is she hot? Hey.
- [TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS.]
- So, all set.
Press there.
- Yeah.
- Press there.
- I'm excited! - Ready to go? Yeah.
Okay, you have your treble.
- [CELL PHONE RINGS MELODICALLY.]
- You have your treble [SIGHS.]
It's my dad.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, aren't you gonna answer it? No, because he is just calling to make sure we're not having sex.
You you know, he's just looking out for you.
Yes, but I am a big girl, and I can look out for myself.
So, um, yeah.
- All right, now.
- Where were we? Show me some of your, some of your DJ moves.
Yeah.
Shit.
Hey, you guys! Guys! You're friends, right? - Yeah.
Best friends.
- The best.
I had a best friend once, but he died ten years ago.
But there's not a day that goes by without me thinkin' about him.
Do you understand what I'm tryin' to say here? - I do.
- Yeah.
Bro's before ho's.
Bro's before ho's.
Not exactly, but it works.
So, hug it out.
I love you, man.
I don't know who you are, or what your deal is, old man.
But, uh, thank you.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
But now you should probably get the fuck outta here.
[YOUNG.]
Get to steppin'.
I'm out.
[YOUNG.]
Come on, cowboy! [TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Okay, this first move is called the "I'm concentrating" move.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- Okay? So you look really concentrated.
You see this? A bit pissed off, you know? - [LAUGHS.]
- And you go like this.
- Just turn knobs.
- Okay.
Step number two, called the "keep on dancing" move.
- Okay.
- Okay? Put one finger up.
Go like this.
I know this one! Yeah! You got it! Keep on dancing! Keep on dancin'! Ooh, it's a long way to I'm sorry, I can't do this.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Do what? [SIGHS.]
Ingmar was right.
What do you mean? I you know what I mean.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
So, I should go.
Uh, mm.
All right.
Oh, hey, but just so we're clear, this is about sex, right? It's not, it's not about my meatballs? No, no.
No, it's about sex.
Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
But the meatballs didn't help.
- 'Cause they were shit.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, finally.
That's it.
Come on, just a few steps.
Be friends now, no fighting, that's it.
Ah! All right, everyone, hands in the air! Hands in the air and no one will get hurt, all right? Do as we say and nobody gets hurt! Everyone, chill out! All right? Where's the cash, right here? Come on, baby, hurry up, hurry up with it! Put the cash in the bag.
Let's go.
No I don't want chips, just cash! Come on, guys! What the hell is taking so long? Ax el.
Axel! Axel! [WHISPERING.]
Shh, shh.
Come here.
Shh.
Come, come.
Jeez.
What the hell are you doing here?! I I have an apology to make.
Well, uh, later, later, not now.
No, no, I have to do it face to face.
Come on! What? [SIGHS.]
I lied.
What? You know, uh, about just wanting to be friends with Sarah.
All this time I've just wanted to bed her.
Don't even go there, Axel, please! No, no, but I'm not apologizing for wanting to have hot sex with her.
I'm apologizing about the lie.
Because even if you don't think of me as a friend, I think of you as a friend.
And friends don't lie to each other.
- [ROBBER.]
Let's go! Let's go! - [INGMAR.]
Shit! - Get outta here! - What? [INGMAR.]
Get out of the car! Are they robbing the poker game? Yes, so get out of the car! [AXEL.]
Not until you explain what's going on.
Okay, okay! Fine! [AXEL.]
I know you, Ingmar.
You planned this! You lied to me! I didn't lie.
I just didn't tell you the whole truth.
Well, that's not what friends do! We're not friends.
Of course we're friends.
We work together, that's all! Oh, you're lying to yourself.
Hold on! [TIRES SCREECH.]
- You see that? - What? See what you did there? That's what friends do.
What are you talking about? It was a reflex, pure reflex.
[GUNSHOTS.]
Whoa, what the hell? You stay here.
I already knew what had happened, that stuff that happens when you get too close to somebody, that thing Axel called "friendship".
Sometimes, it only leads to pain, and sometimes it even leads to death.
This should be enough for Dimitri.
They said they were best friends.
That's what they told me.
And then they shot each other.
[SCOFFS.]
I dated a girl once.
She was a screenwriter, and she told me that characters are not being defined by the things they say, but by the things they do.
You mean like putting your arm out to make sure I didn't get hurt while you made a turn? No, I mean by the way you came to me and apologized for not being honest to me.
I do appreciate things like that.
Hold on! [TIRES SCREECH.]
Like I said, reflex, pure reflex.
We were filming an orgy scene, and none of my 20 actors could get a damn erection.
Not one! [SUN.]
Sound like curse working, big time.
Yeah, my milk cows have definitely gone dry, and my horses have definitely gone lame.
Just like I say, but you no listen.
Please, I'm begging you, take back the damn curse.
I take back curse, you drop lawsuit.
I drop lawsuit! Hey! You make fun my English? No, I no make fun! I mean I'm not makin' fun, I swear! All right.
I take back curse on two condition.
One, you drop lawsuit.
Done! What else? And you send to the great leader of my home country all your films, whole catalogue.
Done! On VHS.
Uh, VHS? Yes.