Talking Comedy s01e07 Episode Script

One of the greats of British comedy, Frankie Howerd was once described as looking like a menagerie of luckless animals - a disreputable bloodhound, a melancholy camel, and an apologetic yak.
He started out in radio in the 1940s, became unexpectedly fashionable in the '60s after being championed by Ned Sherrin and Peter Cook, and enjoyed huge success on television, especially with the hit series Up Pompeii.
Frankie's best-known catchphrase was "titter ye not".
But audiences couldn't help but titter whenever he came on, which made him a favourite booking on the television talk-show circuit.
Here or there? There, please.
Thank you very much.
In fact, it's Let's make sure that you've got the same questions I've got the answers for.
LAUGHTER Oh, I think so.
Listen, before we start the show proper who writes your material? Because, if I may say so, it's a damn sight more filthy than mine.
Did you notice that? That's not true.
It is true, Michael.
It is.
Can we start off by telling everybody Do, do.
Today is an anniversary for you, isn't it? Because it's 25 years to the day Big mouth.
Of course, you would bring that up, yes.
25 years Since what? Since you first appeared on radio.
Is about 25 years since I did anything, actually.
If you know what I mean! Since Since Since I've been on radio.
Yes, radio.
Remember? That was Variety Bandbox, wasn't it? 25 years ago.
Yes, it was a Sunday.
Absolutely right.
You're quite right, it was Sunday 25 years ago, yes.
I'm still doing the same jokes.
Of course, when you came into radio, you were successful, weren't you, after the first couple of months or so? You became very successful with a very unique personal style there.
But you did, of course, have people writing for you, didn't you? If I may just say this, I wasn't very successful.
Not immediately to start with.
No, they were going to throw me off after three weeks.
Really? Yes, because I was playing I started in December, and it came to Easter time, and I was playing up at the Empire in Peterborough.
I remember it very well.
And a letter came saying that if I didn't improve or alter the scripts, or do something about it, they would have to get rid of me.
It was a very nice letter.
You know the BBC - sweetness itself(!) Nice people, but nevertheless, underneath was, improve or get out.
Mean but nice to you.
Mean.
To you as well? Yeah.
I see.
(Liar!) I read about you in the Sunday Times last week.
Caviar and cheap wine.
You keep deflecting me.
They bought the cheap wine.
You were talking about how you got this letter from the BBC.
Yes, so I thought to myself, now, what am I going to do about this? I thought, something is wrong.
Either they are wrong or I am, so I thought, it must be me.
So, I thought, what am I going to do about this? I thought, the scripts aren't bad.
And I wrote my own stuff in those days.
And I thought, they aren't all that bad.
So, I thought, now, something must be wrong, and I realised something which should have been obvious to me for three months, really, but suddenly came in a blinding flash.
Something I should have known right from the start, that I was being too visual.
See, I'd started on the stage, going And making funny faces.
Of course, when you're listening to the radio, you don't see You don't hear funny faces.
So I was going "Ooh, ah!" And the studio audience LAUGHTER You see, if this was sound radio, you're being very kind enough to laugh.
Then people would say, "What the hell are they laughing at?" If this was sound radio So I thought to myself, what I've got to do is to try and be funny with the voice, not the face, and make it speed up.
So I then learned to do, "Ooh, ah! That is ludicrauss, "ladies and gentle men," and do things with my voice rather than just pull faces.
From then onwards, things improved, I'm glad to say, and they kept me on.
Do you have any funny or bitter memories about really dying the death, Frankie? Going badly, you mean? Well, I'm Yes, I've gone badly.
I mean, 25 years is a long time, and I had ups and downs, a lot of ups and downs, and I've had a lot of times when I've gone badly.
A lot of times that I haven't been very good, and I've come off, and I've mis-timed gags.
I've done jokes and I suddenly thought, they didn't laugh.
Now, why My manager said, "You bloody fool, "you forgot the funny line at the end!" I promise you, this is true.
I promise you, this is true.
I I I remember the first joke I ever did.
Shall I tell it? Please.
It will lighten it up a bit, won't it? Because we're getting a bit I remember the first joke I ever did on the music hall.
I forget the first radio script.
It was about taking two elephants to Crewe! That was an Eric Sykes sketch.
Yes, Eric Sykes wrote that.
And it's amazing the number of people who remember that, in a way, better than I do.
But it was true, because one does a lot of scripts over 25 years.
I'm just thinking, though, before, when you mentioned 25 years, the first music hall joke I ever did was about this old man, poor old boy, 82.
And he went to the doctor's.
So, wait a minute.
So, this doctor said "What's wrong?" So, the man said, "Nothing's wrong.
He said, "The thing is, I'm 82, you see, so I want you to examine me, "because I'm getting married.
"Saturday.
" So, this doctor said, "Married?" He said, "Yes, I want you to examine me, "make sure I'm in good working order, because" He said "I want to be right for the honeymoon, and I want to" So, the doctor said, "Well, who are you marrying?" The old man said, "A girl, naturally.
" The doctor said, "Look, don't be facetious.
"How old is this girl?" He said, "24.
" The doctor said, "You're 82 and she's 24?" "Dear, Oh, dear!" He said, "Take "That's it, yes.
Well He said, "Well, yes, you don't seem to "Yes.
" So, the old boy said, "I'm 82, could you give me any advice?" So, the doctor said, "Well, if you're 82 and she's 24, "there is quite a discrepancy in the ages.
"Could I suggest to you you took in a young lodger, "because, you see, you're out getting your old-age pension, "she's on her own a lot.
"It will be company for her, keep her happy and satisfied.
"You'll find it will be a much There will be connubial bliss.
"Take in a young lodger.
" So, this old boy said, "I'll do that, then.
Right.
" So off he went.
A year later, he was going down the high street on his Lambretta, and this doctor saw him.
He said, "Here!" So this old boy went over.
The doctor said, "How are you getting on?" He said, "Oh, smashing, lovely.
" He said, "How's the marriage going? He said, "Smashing, lovely.
" He said, "How's your wife?" He said, "Smashing, smashing.
" "She's just had a baby.
" The doctor says, "Had a baby, oh.
" He said, "How's the lodger?" He said, "Oh, she's had one as well!" LAUGHTER Frankie was always far more interested in telling stories than answering interviewers' questions and looked on every chat show appearance.
as an opportunity to unleash one of his trademark rambling tales.
Certainly, you look extremely well.
I must say, you've lost a lot of weight.
Yeah, I did lose some weight.
I've done this a bit deliberately because I was a bit overweight.
When I fell, there was a lot to fall, if you know what I mean.
So, I went two weeks ago No, last week.
I thought to myself, I would lose a few pounds, try and sort of, you know And so, I got up one morning, and you wouldn't believe this but it's true, I got up one morning and I thought I would make a cup of tea.
I was in my dressing gown.
And I could hear something go through the door, what do you call it? The box, the letterbox.
I thought, oh, God, I hope it's not that again.
So I went to look outside, to see, because strange things have come through my letterbox recently.
So I thought to myself, I'll look outside and see who it was.
I looked round.
There was nobody there except the old boy next door, doing something in his garden.
And he's very silly, because one day they'll catch him at it.
And you know, he's silly to himself.
Anyway, this brochure said it was a new health clinic, a sunbeam sauna and Turkish bath, and it said, "Lose a few pounds.
" I thought to myself, that's me, that sounds interesting.
So I went to this sunbeam health club.
They're interesting.
You've got them here in Birmingham now, health clubs? I'm sure we have them.
Have you been to some? I haven't personally, no.
No, I thought you hadn't, no.
And anyway So I wish you had come in a wheelchair! I know.
Never mind.
Next week, you'll have a better chance, because someone may stay quiet and let you ask a few questions.
So, I went into this health place for slimming, and there is a woman at the desk.
God help us, she was Cor! She was almost crushing the desk, and I thought to myself, "She's no advert, for a start!" you see.
And she Cor! She said, "Good morning," she said, "Would you care for both?" So, I said, "Well, that's very kind.
I think one will be quite sufficient!" She said, "No, the sauna or the Turkish?" "I'll have the Turk Yes, well" She said, "You'll have to undress," so I was just She said, "Not here!" I was so baffled by this, I was so flustered.
So I went inside and I took me clothes off.
She gave me a key for a little booth.
I went inside, took me clothes of.
And I Nothing on.
And went into the sauna bath with all these men sitting around.
So, I nodded And in fact Everything nodded.
I sat down.
There was this wooden bench, and I sat down.
It was like a burst of applause.
Oh, dear! It's an old gag, but they're always serviceable.
And there was a man next to me chatting away.
I found out it was a vicar, and of course, you can't tell when they're unfrocked.
And he was sitting next to me.
This man came in who was a masseur, and he said, "Right, "anyone for massage, in here.
" He took me into this next room, and there was a big, hard wooden bench.
And he said, "Yes," he said, "Don't worry, we'll soon have that off, don't worry.
" He said, "That flab, that rubber tyre.
" So he's gone I felt like a pound of raw steak.
And so he said, "Right, now, go along to the end of the corridor.
And said, "You'll see the steam room, and lay out.
So I went to the end of the corridor, freezing.
I was like a Wedgwood tea set, I was blue! And I couldn't see where I was going, I was twisting and turning, I had perspiration here, and there was all this steam.
So I went in, so this slab, stone slab.
So I thought, I laid myself out.
And all of a sudden, I heard these voices.
Women's voices.
I thought, that's odd! So, I opened my eyes.
All of a sudden, I was in a fishmonger's window! And this man was saying, "Anyone for a fillet of rock salmon?" And this knife Do you believe that? Of course not.
Of course You don't? Oh, God! I hope the judge does.
My case comes up on Friday! Frankie's first ambition was to be a straight actor.
But he failed to get into the acting school of Rada.
Years later, an appearance on the Parkinson Show saw him look back on that failure and also demonstrate his acting range to the theatre director, Trevor Nunn, and film director Bryan Forbes.
Like it's some Shakespeare.
That's what you want to get into.
And I did "to be or not to be", which is about three minutes.
"To be or not to be.
" It's supposed to last about three minutes.
By the time I'd finished, dawn was breaking.
The panel were going like this.
They just said, "Get out!" So, I did.
I went back.
I used to live on the outskirts of London and there were some beautiful fields.
It was a very nasty day.
I sat there and I cried for an hour.
I thought to myself, that's the end of the world.
I'll have to get a job.
So, yes, I did.
I got a job in the docks actually, in Tooley Street in London, the dockyards.
Then I thought, no, I won't.
I'll be a comic! I enjoyed doing comedy parts.
So, then I switched into, I hope, comedy.
Some people don't think it's comedy, but I tried it.
What about doing an audition now for these two? Pardon? Two very distinguished Distinguished.
You can always tell the distinguished.
They dress so badly! You're all right.
Look at him! Have you caught the new suit? Look at that.
A nice change, isn't it? They say, there's no money about.
Look at that! What about doing? Who whistled?! It was a man.
That's all I get.
All right.
Yes, sorry.
Would you like to have another go at auditioning for these two gentlemen? What, now? They might give you a job.
Well, the way they look at me.
He's going, "Can I get this over?" What should I do then? I can't do auditions.
What you want to do? Er Go on, do "to be or not to be".
I can't remember it.
All right.
Promise me you'll listen with interest.
After what you just said about my clothes?! Yes, because that's a sign of a genius.
Is it? Oh! There's hypocrisy.
I might get a job out of this.
What shall I do? I haven't learnt anything.
I'll do some emotion.
I'll show you my, pardon the expression, I'll show you my range.
Right.
What's it go from? To where? What do you want me to do? What can I do? Anger.
Anger.
You'll love this.
I'll push the chair back.
OH, YOU SWINE! Where's the camera? Put it on that camera.
That's anger.
I WON'T DO IT! Nope, sorry.
That's not anger.
That's tragedy.
No, no.
Sorry.
It was meant to be anger.
Come on, I'll get you.
Come on.
That's it, you see.
You don't frighten me for a second.
That's anger.
What else? Joy.
Joy.
Where's? Keep that camera on, will you? Hello.
Isn't it a lovely day? Isn't the news beautiful - recession and everything? Isn't it a lovely day! Christmas is on us.
Crimpy-time.
What else? What else? Humility.
Humility.
AUDIENCE: Your flies are undone! Shut yer face! APPLAUSE It's a zip.
Can't be flies.
It's a zip.
Thank you, Ernie Wise.
Keep your trap shut, will you? Let's see some action from you now.
Come on! AUDIENCE ENCOURAGEMEN Anger.
That's the method school.
It looks like Geoffrey Howe! Now, come on.
Anger.
Come on, passion.
No! Give me somebody to work with.
Get some drama, then.
I can't do that.
It makes me embarrassed looking at the camera.
I can't.
I can't.
Go on! Listen.
I won't ask you to do humility.
There's no chance of that! A highbrow role would eventually come Frankie's way.
To his surprise, he was asked to appear on stage in the opera, Die Fledermaus, something he explains here to Russell Harty.
You've been singing Die Fledermaus, haven't you? Oh, opera! Yeah.
No, I haven't.
You haven't? I wish you'd get your facts right.
No, I haven't.
You haven't been singing Die Fledermaus, have you? Yes, in a way.
In a way.
The part I played in Die Fledermaus Die Fledermaus, which is an opera, is the part of a drunken jailer who comes into the third act but doesn't actually sing, you see? Right.
Except that I did but I wasn't supposed to.
I use to go La-di-da, la-la! Like that.
I was supposed to be a drunken jailer.
In this jail, people are running in and out.
Nobody knows who's what.
Least of all me, you see.
I'm sort of blundering around, supposed to be drunk.
Supposed to be drunk.
Acting, of course.
I wasn't acting on Saturday but I was acting in this play.
Go on.
This is your interview! Did you sing? What parts did you do? The part of the drunken jailer? Frosch, the main man was.
Can't you imagine me being drunk? No.
Oh! I know it's an effort.
This lovely, innocent face.
Can you act drunk? I can't because I don't know what it means.
Well Show us what you did.
I can't show all I did because it would take another hour.
I used to I used to This is supposed to be acting.
Shut up! That isn't.
Now You see STAMMERS: Drunk.
This is the cam Ah! Yeah.
Oh, yes Oh! Now.
During this part of the proceedings, we don't want any unseemly mirth.
No tittering.
No You must keep your titters in.
Missus.
No titters out.
All titters, big and small, must be kept in.
SLURRING: Especially the big ones.
Now, we must all go home titterless.
Here No, ah, here, oh, it's a camera.
It's the Daleks! No, it's a camera.
Ooh, no.
I just missed the sales.
Russell I went No to buy these pair of shoes, There's this assistant Yeah And But Mmm So Eh? Yeah I said to the assistant New shoes.
I said, "Excuse me?" I said, "This left shoe doesn't fit!" He said, "Have you tried it with the tongue out? I said, "Blurgh, blurgh!" 1985, marked the 40th anniversary of the end of World War II.
And Frankie was invited onto the Wogan Show to talk about his experiences of the conflict.
I remember we did a sketch, which I wrote, a song.
It was a drag thing, three boys, me and two others dressed as Miss Twillow, Miss Twoo and Miss Twit.
And these, with the ATS girls, remember they were called ATS girls? They were lady soldiers, you see.
We hadn't got the outfits, so we used to take lure three girls along and take them to the loo and say, "Can we borrow your clothes?" you see.
We left them their knickers, of course We had balloons in here and red and lipstick, the three of us.
I looked a real old bag.
It was a comedy thing.
And one day, and this is absolutely true, the air raid siren rang and we were supposed to be on duty, on parade.
For God's sake.
We'd not got time to wash.
So we were then on the parade ground and the lieutenant came a along going, "Hello All wind and pips Wagging his stick! And red lips and he'd say, "Order arms!" So he looked at the barrel and he saw these lips and make-up with a tin helmet.
And he went He went away and came back again.
He said, "What the hell are you doing? I said, "Well, we were in the concert party, Sir.
He said, "Dear God!" "If the Germans invaded and capture you it should be very interesting.
I didn't go into what he meant, but you would know? Of course.
You are sophisticated in these ways, you see.
What were you doing 40 years ago on VE Day? VE Day, actually, we'd just gone across into Holland to liberate Holland.
They were dropping food by parachutes via the RAF and they were all starving, the Dutch.
I remember a family, there was only 100 of us, we were the first people who literally got to go into liberated Holland.
And they invited us into a house, it was a family.
And we stood there, they announced VE Day and then we stood to attention.
This family suddenly And the British national anthem.
Then the Dutch national anthem, which I "la-la-la'd" 'cause I didn't know Dutch so I had to go la, la, la.
It was very emotional though.
And they brought out a bottle of Schnapps, you know, that's right.
We had a couple of glasses of it just before we came on! We shall have some when we get off too.
But it was very emotional.
Then we went right into I was sitting I No, I wish you'd be quiet, this lot.
This is disgraceful.
You're too good for this crowd.
We're all too good.
I'm too sophisticated.
You are, class act.
I went into The Hague and there was only these 100 soldiers and they were clambering in the backs of trucks.
This officer said to me, "Get in somewhere at the back, Howerd.
" I was a corporal, by the way, then.
I saw this empty staff car at the back and I thought, "I'll get in that.
" I took my hat off and I was sat there like that.
And all of a sudden, there we were at the main road, the people waving and we went through this triumphant entry and they all thought I was Montgomery! I was That's true, I swear, cheering each side.
It went to my head.
Ever since then, every time I got on a bus, I'm doing this.
Our final two clips sum up Frankie and his act perfectly.
Here he is grabbing the camera and delivering two tales that deliberately seemed to start out saucy, but somehow end up being completely innocent.
Please, I must have shush! I shall fly into a tantrum, get a tantrum ready.
Now listen there was a young lady of Spain, who liked it now and again.
Not now and again, now and again, but now and again, and again.
APPLAUSE Listen Please, just because she was kinky about ice cream, now what is wrong with that? Why this outcry? Why? What is vulgarity? Vulgarity is in the mind, it is like beauty in the eyes of the beholder.
It is like beauty in the eyes of the beholder.
Different people say, taste, what is taste? I'll give an example, vulgarity.
Let's look at the audience here.
Here we are now, listen, Oh, yes.
I see! I'm on one, am I? All right.
I know a friend I'll prove my point here.
I know a friend of mine, who was a cricketer.
And sometimes he bats right-handed, sometimes he bats left-handed.
Right-handed, left-handed.
I said, how does he do this? How does he work it out, the wind? Is it, premonition? I said, "Ian, tell me, I said, when you are batting, "sometimes you bat with your right hand, sometimes with your left hand.
"How do you figure this out?" He said, "My wife.
" I said, "Your wife?" He said, "When I wake up in the morning," he said, "and she is lying on her right side, I bat right-handed.
"If I wake up in the morning" Wait for it.
"If she's lying on her left side, I bat left-handed.
" So I said, "Wait a minute.
Suppose she is lying on her back.
" He said in that case, I phone up and say I'll be an hour late.
Wait, wait, wait! Because that means she wants her breakfast in bed.
You see, there you are.
You can't blame me! APPLAUSE It's for routines like those that Frankie Howerd will be remembered.
Naughty but nice, cheeky but never cruel and every story delivered with a raised eyebrow, a little wink and a knowing look to the audience.