Ted Lasso (2020) s01e07 Episode Script

1 No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, Trevor, no.
The bag has to go all the way in, okay? Use all the space.
Out the way.
Thank you.
What's gone on back here? Right.
These need to be moved around, 'cause this is gonna jiggle about, otherwise.
Now, can we move Hello? There's someone in here.
Oh, my God.
Hey, almost forgot.
You know how we're playing Everton tomorrow? - Yeah.
- Well, that's not a town.
- It's actually a team in Liverpool! - Like the Beatles! If you see John, Paul, George or Ringo, will you take a picture, please? Hey, you got it, big guy.
Okay, hey, I better get a roll on here, all right? Okay.
And Mom wants to talk to you.
Hold on.
- I love you, buddy.
- Love you too.
Still haven't told him John and George are dead? They're what? It was Keith Richards.
Hey, Ted.
- Hey.
How you doing? - Good.
How's work going? Everything all right? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I know this isn't easy, but the paperwork the lawyer sent? I know.
Oh, hey.
Got it right here.
I'll, uh, look it all over, sign it, send it right back.
I promise.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, good luck tomorrow.
We'll be watching.
All right now.
Whoo-hoo! - Girls' trip! - Mm.
Liverpool, here we come.
And I just want to say up front that I'm really flattered you asked me to come this weekend.
Oh.
Come on now.
But, hey, we're both single.
I think you are super hot.
If I'm gonna dip my toe back into the lady pool, I can't think of a finer body of water to do it with than you.
No.
Keeley, I think you're confused.
I was, at first.
Then I was like, "Come on, Keeley.
Blow off some steam and have some wicked sex with your new friend".
I'm fucking with you.
Oh, my God.
I thought you were being serious.
I mean, can you imagine? Oh, I have.
Do-da do-da do do do do doo Looks like we have a new passenger on today's flight.
Actually, Keeley will be taking your seat on the jet, Higgins.
Oh.
Sorry.
I'm gonna go spend a penny before we take off.
See you downstairs, Rebecca.
Oh, that's okay.
I always enjoy the antics on the team bus.
No.
I need you to stay here this weekend.
Doing work that doesn't matter.
All right, gentlemen.
Who's ready to go show Everton what we got? Whoo! Thank you, Dani.
Jeez, Louise.
Why's everybody so down in the dumps? What happened? Did Beyoncé dump Jay-Z or something? No, nothing like that.
Thank goodness.
Just saying it out loud made me immediately sad.
Let me see what's going on here.
Hey, guys.
Seriously, come on.
Talk to me.
What's up? Well, we're fine.
Mm.
- Yeah, I'm all right.
- Okay.
We're in a shit fucking mood because we never fucking win at Everton and it sucks fucking shit! Ah, come on, fellas.
How long has it been since y'all won up at Everton? - Sixty years ago.
- Jesus Christ.
Wow.
That is a heck of a long time.
Okay.
So we got that going on.
And obviously we're bummed out that O'Brien tore his butt.
It's my upper hamstring, Coach.
You tore your butt, son.
There's nothing to be ashamed of, okay? It happens.
People tear their butts all the time in athletics.
You're not alone, man.
Hey, Coach, you've torn your butt a few times, right? - Three times.
- Three times.
Butt's an amazing muscle.
God as my witness, your butt will heal.
The silver lining here, with O'Brien's tore butt, is that my man from Montreal is gonna be filling in at goalie.
- Give it up for Zorro.
- Oh.
It's pronounced, um, "Zoreaux".
- I'm sorry.
Zorro.
- "Zoreaux".
You I don't know what I'm doing wrong here.
Point is, gentlemen, unless one of y'all got a crystal ball, we don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow.
That's why we play the game.
So let me hear it! Richmond on three! One, two, three! - Richmond! - Right, come on.
Let's go.
- Hey, Coach.
- Howdy, fellas.
How can I help you? Um, so, uh, since Jamie Tartt has gone back to Man City, uh, you've lost one, you've drawn one, you've not scored any goals.
- Yeah.
- So I'm wondering, how worried are you about the threat of relegation? Well, Lloyd, right now I'm mostly concerned with the definition of relegation.
What you got for me, Marcus? Just wanted to know how you're feeling about the departure of Jamie Tartt.
Yeah.
Um Well, if I'm being honest, it, uh, breaks my heart a little.
I think one of the neatest things about being a coach is the connection you get to make with your players.
That's a loss that hits me a lot harder and is gonna stay with me a lot longer than anything that happens while playing a game on a patch of grass.
All right.
See you fellas in Liverpool, yeah? Yeah.
Oh.
Hey! Last one there is a Scotch egg! Whoo! What? Hey, there he is.
- Good to see you, buddy.
- All right, let's go.
Here we go.
It's the presidential suite.
Hope it's to your satisfaction.
Would you like me to show you the various room amenities? No, thank you.
My lady and I wanna have a quick shag and a shower before we hit the town tonight.
Welcome to Liverpool.
What? He would've spent a cash tip in, like, a minute.
Come on.
The image I just gave him is gonna last for a lifetime.
No, it's it's not you.
It's Oh, fuck.
This is Rupert's and my anniversary weekend.
And - It's the first one I've spent by myself - Hey, it's okay.
Thank you.
- Mm.
- Ooh.
That's a long hug.
So, just to remind you, the hotel furniture stays in the rooms, not the hallway or the pool.
Nor are you allowed to ship it to your homes or other hotels, okay? All right, fellas, we got team meal in an hour.
After that, it's either gonna be movie night or a pillow fight.
What's it gonna be this time around? Come on.
Movie night.
All right.
But I tell you what, y'all say "pillow fight" one time, and we'll never watch another movie together again.
- That's for you, Coach.
- Thank you, sir.
- And that's for you.
- Thank you.
Whoo! Room 5150.
Finally.
Sammy Hagar, greatest lead singer in Van Halen history.
- In the post-David Lee Roth era.
- Thank you.
- Coach, what room you got? - 5148.
- Hey.
- Howdy, neighbor.
Yes, hello.
We still haven't received the champagne I ordered.
Thank you.
Ah.
Good question.
One second.
Should I get the concierge to make us a reservation somewhere tonight? Shipley's steak house is unmatched in its cuisine and ambience.
Mm.
Is it now? Cool, I can do steak.
Uh, yes.
The steak house for two, please.
Does 8:00 p.
m.
work for you? The business center is open 24 hours a day.
Okay.
What was that about the business center? Guests also have access to our state-of-the-art gym, filled with the latest in workout technology.
Like kettlebells! Oh, my God.
Liverpool has much to offer when it comes to nightlife.
From pubs and clubs, to the great Asian pastime of karaoke! I don't even remember doing this.
- And if you're the artsy type - Right, enough.
This weekend is moving forward.
When that champagne arrives, we are going to get drunk, have a nice meal, and leave the past in the past.
- Sound good? - Sounds fucking great.
Oh.
Speak of the devil.
Hello, Stinky.
Still giving you the big room even without old gray walnuts footing the bill.
Good.
Fuck Rupert! Oh.
Who's this then? Is this your concubine? Is she Russian? - Are you Russian? - A, I love you.
B, who are you? Let me introduce Flo Collins, my best mate since we were little.
Brilliant child psychologist and proud, - newly single - Mm-hmm.
mother to the most amazing 12-year-old little girl called Nora, - my goddaughter.
- Wow.
Both of whom I've completely neglected to speak to in the last six years.
Oh, Jesus, Stinky.
Remind me to bury you in the set list for speeches at my funeral.
Hi, I'm Flo.
Or you can call me "Sassy".
I don't care which.
So, you heard about the divorce? Yeah.
I bumped into Derren at a party.
He told me right after he hit on me.
Hey, what's new? Still, weird order for him to roll out that information.
Right, what's in the plan for tonight, then? Shall I call down? Get myself a robe? Oh! Look what I've got.
Ta-da! Stole it off a room service trolley outside.
You're amazing! - I'm Keeley, by the way.
Hi! - Oh! Yeah, I know who you are, honey.
My ex used to masturbate to you like a maniac, so Am I cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs thinking we can beat these guys tomorrow? - No, we match up perfectly.
- Exactly.
What about you, Nate? You believe these guys can win? I believe this team can do anything.
See? There you go.
That's what I'm talking about.
Okay, Nate.
So if you were me, what would you tell these guys? Oh, no.
I wouldn't No, I don't Hey.
I'm just asking for your opinion.
You understand that, yeah? - Yeah.
- And you got one, yes? - Yeah.
- Locked, loaded, ready to rip? Mm-hmm.
- Let me hear it.
- No.
Why not? What are you afraid's gonna happen if you tell me? That you won't like my idea and it makes you hate me.
Then you fire me.
Then I have to move back in with my parents and they'll be ashamed of me.
Then everyone finds out back home and laughs at me until my face melts off.
Excuse me.
Well, at least he didn't stammer.
Mm.
Okay.
I gotta go take care of a couple things.
I'll see you in the morning, all right? Hey, do me a favor.
Keep an eye on these guys, 'cause around the 74 minute mark, there's gonna be a room full of grown men crying.
I'll be one of 'em.
Right, so I hadn't prepared anything.
Not the brightest idea for a maid of honor, especially with an open bar.
Yeah, she was the star of the weekend.
- Yeah, I gave Elton John a boner.
- You did what? - No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did! He has repeatedly denied that.
Ah.
Classic "she said, she said", innit? Would you ladies like another bottle? A little dessert perhaps? My sexy and extremely single friend here actually prefers her desserts on the larger side.
If that's something you could possibly accommodate.
I'll give you a few minutes.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I can't believe you just did that.
Oh, shut up.
You love it.
Right.
I'm going for a smoke.
Stinky? - No.
Don't smoke anymore.
- What? And yet, you're still on fire.
Hmm.
Yeah, I don't know.
Just May I suggest flushing it again but harder? Okay, bye.
Hi, how can I help you? Hey, how you doing? I was wondering if y'all had a fax machine.
Fax machine? Oh, okay.
Um, that's a good question.
If you bear with me a second, I'll just check with a colleague and see what I can find out.
A fax machine, hey? Are you sending something to the year 1997? Yeah, just a little note to myself telling me to buy Apple stock.
Oh.
Good idea.
Can you tell me to murder J.
K.
Rowling and write the first Harry Potter book as well? Can do.
Yeah.
I'll probably write "handle" instead of "murder", so there's no paper trail.
- Yeah, I'm Ted, by the way.
- Oh.
Sassy.
Sassy, huh? Like the Smurf, right? Don't think there was a Sassy Smurf, was there? That's too bad.
Seems like a Smurf with an attitude would've been a lot of fun to watch.
All right, yeah, I'll tell him.
Let me know how the trial goes.
Okay, bye.
Right, we no longer have a fax machine on the premises.
But the concierge was able to locate one at a tanning salon eight miles away in Croxteth.
You know what, that's okay.
I'm just gonna hit this manicurist nearby that has carrier pigeons.
- Thank you though.
All right.
- Okay.
Nice meeting you.
Right, how can I help you? Well, I was gonna go out for a smoke and hope my friend picks up the check while I was gone.
Then I saw Magnum, P.
I.
in line, figured I'd flirt with him as well.
- See what happens, you know? - Oh, well, good luck.
Yeah, I think I fucked it.
I I actually get off in about 30 minutes if you'd like to, uh Of course not, why would you? You are who you choose to be.
Superman.
Okay, so I just met the fucking Marlboro Man in the Where's Stinky gone? She abandoned you? No, she just went to pee.
- Oh.
- Where does "Stinky" come from? I remember the day she moved into our town.
She was already taller than me, had bigger boobs.
Family was rich.
So, first day of year seven, I told everyone her nickname was "Stinky".
That's genius.
To the ties that bind us.
To Rebecca.
Yeah, that's not Rebecca.
How do you mean? No, the real Rebecca is silly.
Strong, yeah, but not cold.
- Have you ever heard her sing? - No.
Ah.
Beautiful voice.
Her and Nora would sing through the door for hours.
Do you wanna build a snowman? - Who's Nora? - My daughter.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, if you like that woman, you are gonna love Rebecca.
- Ready? - What about the bill? - Thank you, Miss Welton.
- Okay.
Do you wanna do that thing where you pretend you wanted to pay? Oh, yeah, yeah.
This is really good fun.
Join in.
Oh, you absolute piece of shit! I was about to do that! - I was just about to get my card out.
- I can't believe that you've done this.
- We were gonna split.
That was so nice.
- Six years I've waited for this - What the hell are you doing? - I'm I'm so sorry.
I just You're what? - What is this? - It's just my thoughts on the team.
Go, Nathan.
Come on, it's past curfew.
- Go! Get outta here! - Sorry.
Liverpool has much to offer when it comes to nightlife.
From pubs and clubs, to the great Asian pastime of karaoke! And if you're the artsy type, or you're just trying to impress a date, Liverpool has more museums and galleries Welcome to Goodison Park.
I'm Arlo White here with Chris Powell.
- Okay, guys! Got some snacks here! - Whoo-hoo! Let's try not to eat them all in the first half.
Come on, Richmond! It's eighth-place Everton hosting AFC Richmond, in 18th and staring relegation in the face.
The last time Richmond left here with a win, the number one song in the UK was by Elvis Presley, "It's Now or Never".
And that's certainly the case for Ted Lasso's men tonight.
- Nate, can I speak with you, please? - Yeah.
You all right? I wanted to apologize for last night.
I bit your head off for no good reason, and I'm really sorry about that and I hope you can forgive me.
Yeah, of cour Yes, of course.
Thank you.
Also, I read through your thoughts.
- Yeah.
- They're great.
And I agree with every last one of 'em.
But I can't say this to them.
- But they need to hear it.
- I agree.
That's why you're gonna do it.
Are you drunk? You're giving the pregame talk, and you're gonna read them this.
- I ju I don't know.
- It'll be fun.
No.
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
All right, listen up, fellas.
As of late, I feel like y'all have heard enough of my jibber-jabber.
So I asked Nate the Great here to jot down a few of his thoughts and ideas about you guys and today's game.
So let's focus up.
- All yours, Nate.
- Okay.
- Let's go, Nate.
- Come on, boy.
You got this.
- You got this, Nate.
It's okay.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Let's do it.
- Isaac.
- Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you got this, bruv, all right? Yeah.
I've noticed of late that you've been playing like a big, dumb pussy.
Wow.
What the fuck did you say to me, bruv? You're more concerned about looking tough than actually being tough.
There's a way to be intimidating without being physical.
I hope you don't mind me saying.
Um - Sam.
- Oh, no.
You're constantly getting beat on the wings.
It's 'cause you're indecisive.
You second-guess more than a shitty psychic.
The only African I know more imprisoned by their own thoughts is goddamn Nelson Mandela.
Did you hear that? You think that's funny, do you, Colin? You and all your fancy step over bullshit.
Let me ask you this.
Do you wax your pubes? What? Did I stutter, dickhead? Do you wax your pubes? - Yes or no.
- No.
Then why are you always trying to play like a Brazilian? Yeah.
What just happened? - Uh, Rojas.
- Whoo! Roast me, amigo.
All right.
You say that football is life, right? Football is life.
- Yeah, well, then your defense is death.
- Oh! The only person I've seen lose their man more often is Carrie fucking Bradshaw.
Oh! - Sex and the City.
- Shh.
- Yeah.
- Tough but fair.
Right.
Roy.
Go on.
Say what you're gonna say.
Okay.
Don't read it.
Say it to my face.
The great Roy Kent.
You're old now.
And slow.
And your focus drifts.
But your speed and your smarts were never what made you who you are.
It's your anger.
That's your superpower.
That's what made you one of the best midfielders in the history of this league.
But I haven't seen it on the pitch at all this season, Roy.
I mean, you used to run like you were angry at the grass.
You'd kick the ball like you'd caught it fucking your wife, for Christ's sake.
But that anger doesn't come out anymore when you play.
But it's still in there.
And I'm afraid of what it's gonna do to you if you just keep it all for yourself.
Ooh! Let's go get these fuckers.
See? Told you it'd be fun.
And the impossible has happened.
Richmond have won at Everton 1-0.
- Yes, Ted! Yeah! - Thanks to a rare goal from Roy Kent.
Kent was absolutely brilliant today.
He was like a man possessed.
Yeah! We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond Oh, my God! Come on, give us a hug, Nate.
Yeah.
- Ted! - Hey! - Congratulations.
- Thanks, boss.
Could I, uh, just introduce you to - Sassy Smurf! - Marlboro Man! Oh, my God.
We know we are, we're sure we are - I didn't know you were here.
- Surprise! I've been thinking about you a lot this weekend.
Oh, yeah? How come? 'Cause you and your crazy hair keep popping up every time I turn on my TV.
Oi! Listen up! None of you are going back to the hotel tonight.
'Cause we did something today that no one thought we could do, including us! So, we're going out, we're celebrating, and we're gonna rub it in this city's fucking face! Roy! Roy! Where are we going? Keeley? Well, Liverpool has much to offer.
From pubs to clubs to the great Asian pastime of - I said maybe - Said maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me Saves me And after all You're my wonderwall I'm going for a smoke.
- Can I join you? - Come on.
Thank you, Richmond FC! So, what's Marlboro Man's story, then? 'Cause I kinda wanna grab him by the ears and ride that little mustache like a Jet Ski.
- It's so good to see you, Sass.
- You too, Stinky.
God.
You know, today would've been my Of course I know.
Why do you think I'm here? Mate, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for disappearing from you, from Nora.
I really am.
Thank you for saying that.
Mm.
God, that man took so much from me.
No.
Rupert is a horrible man who built an ivory tower he kept you captive in.
But you climbed every single step of that tower on your own.
You're the one who stopped coming home, stopped calling.
Who made a six-year-old girl wonder what she'd done wrong.
I'll always be your biggest defender, but you have to own up to the part that you played.
You're right.
Course I'm right.
I'm always right.
You're not always right.
Most of the time you're an arse.
There you are.
Fucking hell.
I thought you guys ditched me.
- No! - As if! Jesus, I didn't know that I had abandonment issues till right now.
Come on, Rebecca.
Your song's up next.
- What? - Yeah.
No, I didn't put a song in.
Well, then someone else must've done it for you.
Who could've done that? See? You are an arse.
Caught in a bad romance Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah Roma-roma-ma Gaga, ooh-la-la Want your bad romance All right, who's next? Me, me, me.
Your turn, Rebecca.
Get on up here.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Uh, I don't even know what song I'm singing.
But I would like to dedicate it to the best friend a girl could ever have.
That is me! She's talking about me! This is also dedicated to my goddaughter, Nora.
I love you.
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight Not a footprint to be seen A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside Couldn't keep it in Heaven knows I've tried Don't let them in, don't let them see Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don't feel don't let them know Well, now they know Let it go, let it go Can't hold it back anymore Let it go, let it go Turn away and slam the door I don't care what they're going to say Let the storm rage on The cold never bothered me anyway - Ted.
- Dad? Ted? Ted.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Try to breathe.
I can't.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm I'm sorry.
It's okay.
You're having a panic attack.
Just breathe.
Am I going crazy? No more than anyone else.
All right.
You're all right.
There we go.
There we go.
There we go.
Come on.
Come on.
There we go.
I think I need to call it a night.
Gonna go back to the hotel and just get a good night's rest, you know? Would you like me to walk back with you? Do you want to take my car? No, no, no.
I'm okay.
Thank you though.
I appreciate it.
- All right.
- Okay.
Hey, do me a favor.
Just, uh, let Beard know I went back to the hotel.
Of course.
You just get home safely.
- Okay, thank you.
- All right.
Okay.
- Excuse me.
Very drunk man coming through.
- Yeah.
Guys.
Guys, guys, guys.
I think we should take the boys to the pub.
Oh, I am so done, Sass.
Sorry.
Think I'm tapping out for the evening too, actually.
So I have to take 18 young, handsome men all by myself? Oh, trauma.
- All right then.
See you later.
- Bye.
I love you.
Amigos, I can't find my tropical shirt.
He's so drunk.
You won't need it, you won't need it.
Right, want a lift back to the hotel? Oh, no.
Um, I think I'm gonna walk, actually.
Unless you want me to come with you, 'cause that I can do.
- I'm fine.
Really.
- Yeah? Besides, that was yesterday.
- You're wasting valuable time.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm going, I'm going.
Oh, this is me.
I'm sharing a suite with Rebecca.
We've got separate bedrooms though.
Good night.