That '90s Show (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[rock guitar riff playing]
Pulled over by the cops 20 minutes after
we gave you the Vista Cruiser?
Who could have pulled off
something like that?
Only a criminal mastermind
without the mind.
A Kelso.
Trouble just follows them, honey.
They're like those frogs
in the rainforest.
Colorful and pretty,
but if you lick them,
all your skin falls off and you die.
I'm sorry, but can we just stop
for a second?
Because how cute is this
that we are holding hands? [chuckles]
It finally happened, you guys!
Grandpa, I know this looks bad,
but we only got pulled over
because the car had
license plates from 1980.
She's right, Mr. Forman.
Sometimes, if you're searching for blame,
it's best to look inward.
My foot's about to go inward your ass.
You can't set him up like that.
I know we're off to a rough start,
but give me a chance.
Someday, this frog
is gonna turn into a butterfly.
I'm getting stupider standing here.
You are banned from this house. Get out.
What? No!
Honey. Honey.
Let go of the frog.
- [rock music playing]
- One, two, three, four!
Hangin' out down the street ♪
The same old thing we did last week ♪
Not a thing to do ♪
But talk to you ♪
We're all all right! ♪
We're all all right! ♪
[young woman] Hello, Wisconsin!
The Kool-Aid Man?
That's the tattoo you wanna get?
The key is to not overthink it.
Mission accomplished.
Jay, I miss you, and I feel so bad
you can't be here for all the fun.
Gwen and Ozzie are talking.
Nikki's chewing gum.
And Nate's adjusting his junk.
You need more powder, babe.
Summer's the worst season for your junk.
Hey. Can I talk to him?
Just come over, bro.
Leia's grandma's at the dentist.
Red's stuck at the DMV.
Damn it. I miss you too.
- He's coming over.
- He is?
I gotta shave my pits!
[Jay] Uh, what?
[nervous chuckle] That was Nikki. Bye!
Gwen. Help me.
Boyfriend, day one.
Oh, I gotta take off too.
I'm meeting my SAT tutor in 20 minutes.
Again with that guy?
But you're already so smart.
You helped me escape from that trampoline.
Babe, I need to ace the SATs,
get into a good college, cure a disease,
and have my face on a stamp
so my enemies can lick it.
She's spending a lot of time
with that tutor guy.
Is someone feeling jealous?
No, I am.
I mean, she's with this guy all the time.
Do you think I have
anything to worry about?
Tough to answer without knowing
who the guy is, but, knowing you,
maybe.
I know, right?
If it's really bothering you,
let's check this guy out.
Nah, I should just trust her.
Nate, I watch a lot of talk shows,
and I've learned two things.
People cheat.
And once a ho, always a ho.
[rock music playing]
I'm so happy you're here.
It's gonna be okay.
Take three steps forward.
I can't. What if Red comes home?
He is just being smart, Gwen.
Smart and hot and brave.
- I'm not scared of somebody's grandpa.
- [coughs]
- [Jay yells]
- [Sherri shrieks]
Holy hell! I was just
trying to scooch by ya,
not scare the Milk Duds
out of all of us. [exclaims]
Hi, Ms. Runck.
Sorry, but my grandma's not home.
I know. I gotta pick her up at the dentist
soon because she's gonna be zonked.
But I thought I'd pop over first
and do a little grocery shoppin'.
So much easier than going
all the way down to the store, ya know?
Mom!
- Grab me some yogurts.
- Oh.
Oh, you know it's the beginning
of a relationship
when the guy still goes outside
to cut the cheese.
Jay, just come in.
- I missed you so much.
- Missed you too.
What? He just get back
from Iraq or something?
They've been apart for one day.
Her grandpa banned him from the house.
Sounds like Red's being
a hard-ass like my dad.
He never believed in me.
Sometimes I wonder
if that might've screwed me up.
No.
Aw, that's nice, hon,
but I really think he did.
The point is, adults should be
more understanding. You know?
I mean, just throwing rules out at kids
is not the answer.
So you'll sign off on me getting a tattoo?
Sorry, lady.
I'm fine with you making mistakes,
but not permanent ones.
Tattoos, babies, and DUIs,
the unholy trinity.
Wait, isn't the dentist
like five minutes away?
Jay, why don't we go pick up my grandma?
I know this isn't
the sexiest thing I've ever said,
but I'm pretty sure
your grandpa can kick my ass.
But it would show him
how responsible you are.
Yeah, and while you're at it,
you gotta let Red know
that you're tired of him judging ya.
And still, to this day,
making you feel unworthy, disrespected,
and like you're not a good mom!
I feel like that wasn't all about us.
We have to try something.
Can we borrow your car?
Don't know if I should get
between you and your grandpa.
- We'll fill it up with gas.
- Here's my keys.
I'll stay here
and finish up my grocery shopping.
I know you're worried,
but all we have to do
is pick up my sweet, sedated grandma.
Give my regards to Broadway ♪
Remember me to Herald Square ♪
Your turn!
Something, something
Something, something, Broadway ♪
Old people seem to like this song! ♪
Big finish!
Give my regards to old Broadway! ♪
Gwen, stop encouraging her!
But this is fun.
She's high as a kite that's also on drugs.
[laughs heartily]
Grandma, can you please just chill out?
Boo!
- Yeah. Yeah. Boo!
- Boo!
- Wait. We just passed a tattoo shop. Stop!
- Forget it, Gwen.
My only job is to get her home safe.
Okay? I'm not stopping for anything.
- Red light!
- [brakes screech]
[exclaims, snorts]
- [Kitty chuckles]
- Come on.
This is my chance.
Your grandma's out of it.
She'll sign the release.
Right, Mrs. Forman?
You want me to get a tattoo, don't you?
Yeah. And then let's steal a boat
and go to Vegas.
No. We're going home,
we're putting Grandma to bed,
and we're showing my grandpa
that Jay is a responsible human being.
[rhythmic mouth noises]
- Guess who?
- Oh my God!
- [laughing]
- [Leia gasps] Oh my God!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
[laughing]
We'll be quick.
Later, nerds.
[rock music playing]
Nik?
[laughing] What?!
You?! Here?!
I mean, whoa!
Now? How? What? Weird!
I told you I was gonna be here.
Right. Right, with your tutor.
I totally forgot about him. Where is he?
Oh, Trevor? Here he comes.
[seductive funk music playing]
[in slow motion] Holy sh [bleeped]
[music fades]
Trevor, this is my boyfriend, Nate.
"Boyfriend"?
[snickering] More like "manfriend."
I can't grow any hair on my face,
but from the waist down,
it is wall-to-wall carpeting.
[in deep voice] And I'm Ozzie.
My pediatrician said I'll be 6'2".
- Oh. I've heard a lot about you.
- [Nate chuckles]
Nikki tells me
you're on the football team?
Yeah, but we couldn't do it
without guys like you
in the stands cheering us on. So
Actually, Trevor got
a football scholarship to Notre Dame.
Not that he needs it.
His dad's a congressman.
God bless America.
Well, this is fun.
And normal.
Thanks for stopping by, but we really
need to get back to studying.
Oh yeah. Super busy day on our end too.
Ozzie's lizard is sick,
and I have to help with the pills.
They go in the butt.
[chuckles] Okay, cool.
Nice to meet you, Nate.
Nice to meet you, Ozzie.
[in normal voice] I'm 25.
[laughs]
You're screwed.
[Leia sighs]
[both] What's taking so long?
Aw, we said that at the same time.
We're adorable.
I can't do adorable right now.
If your grandpa beats us home
- He's
- [both] Gonna kill us.
Okay, that was cute.
Finally.
- Let's see it.
- Oh, I bailed on the tattoo.
Some lady cut in front of me,
and it was taking forever.
I got a tattoo!
To Vegas!
[rock music playing]
So I was right.
That Trevor dude is
obviously trying to seduce Nikki.
I don't think he needs to try very hard.
How am I gonna save my relationship?
He's hot. He's smart.
He doesn't owe Nikki 70 bucks.
I got it.
I'll go kick his ass. Duh!
So you're the "let's bring him out" guy.
The what guy?
There's one on every talk show.
The host says, "Let's bring him out."
Everyone boos.
Then he says, "You don't know me."
Have you never seen a talk show?
- [theme music plays]
- [audience chanting] Ozzie! Ozzie! Ozzie!
Welcome back!
Today, we have Nikki and Trevor.
[audience] Aww!
They may look like the perfect couple,
but somebody has a problem with that.
Let's bring him out.
[theme music plays]
[audience] Boo!
Hey, you don't know me! You don't know me!
Nate.
Why don't you tell us
what's gotten you so upset?
That's my girlfriend,
and now she's hanging out with this chump,
and suddenly I'm not good enough for her.
Nikki?
Nate's fine, but Trevor stimulates
my mind and my body.
- [audience exclaims]
- Both?!
That's impossible!
Not for me.
[audience exclaiming]
Nate, stop.
I'm done playing around.
Nik, you need to make a choice.
Is it him? Or is it me?
Oh, then him.
This guy?!
You don't know him.
You don't know him.
[audience exclaims]
Shut up! You don't know me!
- [audience booing]
- You don't know me!
Nobody knows you.
Stop saying that.
- [theme music plays]
- [audience cheering]
I need to talk to Nikki.
- And what are you gonna say to her?
- This is getting weird, dude.
We'll be right back.
[rock music playing]
A tattoo?!
I don't even wear waterproof mascara.
Red's gonna kill me.
Gwen.
I know. But I stopped her
from getting a barbed wire tramp stamp.
So you're welcome.
Grandma, I am so sorry.
None of this was supposed to happen.
How are you cooking dinner now?
It is helping me deal with the stress
of waking up with a flipping tattoo!
What's the emergency?
D'you run out of eggs?
'Cause I don't know how that happened.
Look what happened at the dentist.
Holy crapola!
I heard of them feeling you up
when you're out, but this crosses a line.
My mother would be rolling in her grave,
if we hadn't spread her ashes
in the parking lot
of the Sizzler by her church.
Did you get one too?
You've been talking nonstop about tatties.
No. You told me not to get one,
and I always follow what you tell me.
Good. Those things are
a one-way ticket to whore town.
Sorry.
Are you sure there is no way
to get this off?
Is there a a special cream or something?
If there was I wouldn't have
Fred Flintstone riding a surfboard
on my hip bone.
[door shuts]
That's Red.
Good Lord, what is he gonna think?
Oh man, he's gonna be pissed.
Stomp around,
probably take away my allowance.
Sorry. It's a Dad flashback.
You need to get out of here.
No, I'm not leaving you here
to take the blame.
Cool. If he has
the blame thing covered, I'm out.
Hang on.
Take these. We're low on fresh produce.
[sighs] Don't let Grandpa see your wrist
until we figure out
the best way to tell him.
I do not keep things from my husband.
He is a reasonable man.
Down in hell,
there's this little room in the wayback
where the devil craps fire
into your mouth.
That's the DMV.
How was your day, dear?
Oh, it was just It was
It It was great.
Just, like, nothing crazy happened.
And what's he doing here?
Um
He brought Grandma the chicken.
[chuckles] From his garden.
Yes.
I was making supper.
I I have to get up inside there.
Oh yeah.
This is gonna be yummy.
Wanna take that chicken off your hand?
I do not.
I'm gonna go get the laundry now.
[rock music playing]
I am so disappointed in you.
All of you.
But especially you, little Kelso.
I was wrong the other day.
You are a complete waste
of a foot in the ass.
You never even gave him a chance.
You decided based on his last name
that you were going to hate him.
This is so unfair.
And that's what makes it fun for me.
Leia, he's right.
It is my fault, sir.
I was the one driving.
Look, I'm not proud of what happened,
but I do believe the mistakes we make
are what turn us into the men we become.
And I would like to become a man
worthy of dating your granddaughter.
- Get out.
- Already gone.
And you, go to your room.
[door closes]
Red, don't you think
you're being a little harsh?
Yeah, they made a mistake,
but nobody got hurt.
My wife is tatted up
like she's doing time at Rikers.
I'm starting to like it.
I feel like Rizzo from Grease.
All I asked you to do
was to give Kitty a simple ride home.
But you pawned it off on the kids
and turned it into a circus.
Like everything in your life.
You know what?
Screw you.
[scoffs]
You're such a blowhard.
You know how many years
I spent getting yelled at,
being told how much I messed up?
So you don't have to respect me,
because I finally respect myself.
And I don't have to stand here
while you yell at me anymore.
And thanks a lot for never teaching me
how to ride a bike!
Do I look like her father?
[Kitty sighs]
I brought you a little treat.
- What's with her?
- Oh, Red.
Leia is a teenager.
She's bursting with hormones
and bad decisions.
I was talking about Sherri.
Well, she's bursting with hormones
and bad decisions too.
I mean
If she has issues with her father,
let her go and yell at him.
Yeah.
It's not great when people blame you
for other people's problems.
[grumbles]
What?
Jay is not his father.
He could have run off,
let Leia take all the blame.
But you saw how he stood up for her
and took responsibility.
Michael Kelso would never have done that.
Michael Kelso glued himself
to our refrigerator.
I think you're setting the bar kinda low.
Well, look, Red. I'm guilty of it too.
Leia's right.
We never really did give Jay a chance.
- [Red sighs]
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!
I know that sound.
It means you're starting to come around.
While you're a little open-minded
Do you hate it?
Well, actually
- It's kind of adventurous.
- [Kitty giggles]
[murmurs playfully]
Oh!
I know what you're in the mood for.
Yeah. [chuckles]
Yeah!
[Nikki] Hey, babe.
Are you okay?
You didn't squeeze my butt
and say, "Hey, ladies."
Nik, I'm kind of freaking out about us.
- You've been spending time with Trevor
- Trevor?
Nate, there's nothing
between me and Trevor.
You know I don't like muscular guys.
I don't know how I feel about that, but
It's not just him.
It's all this other stuff.
The SATs, the studying.
I'm afraid you're gonna leave me behind.
Nate, I'm not going to college
to leave you behind.
I'm I'm going to college
so I can have a future.
Am I in that future?
Well, the future's not set.
There's no fate
but what we make for ourselves.
You're hot and you quote Terminator 2!
I can't imagine not being with you.
I need you to tell me
we're always gonna be together.
Hey, come here.
Babe, I don't know what's gonna happen.
All I know is that I love you.
And I hope that's enough.
It is.
- Feeling better?
- Yeah.
Hello, ladies. [chuckles]
Okay, well I have to head home for dinner.
- Are you sure you're okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, totally.
- Okay.
[melancholic rock music playing]
[knocking]
Hey there.
Listen, kiddo. I've been thinking.
If you really want to see this Kelso kid,
I'll give him a chance.
Really?
But you gotta be careful.
No more joyrides.
And he's not allowed upstairs. Fair?
So fair. I'll tell Jay everything
the next time I see him.
Uh-huh.
Already gone.
[Leia and Jay] Bye, babe!
[both] Aww!
[rock music playing]
I talked to Kitty, and I gotta tell ya,
I know you're not my dad.
For one thing, you're alive.
And also you're not a jerk.
Well, uh, are we here to chat or
or learn?
Now like we practiced.
[Sherri exhales]
My balance is probably pretty good
from all those times
I walked home drunk in high heels.
Oh, I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
All right, there you go. Now turn around.
Hey, I'm doing it.
Good job.
- Now, brake. Okay, now brake.
- Oh, whoa! [screams]
[crashing]
[Red] You idiot!
[Sherri] Don't worry. I'm okay.
[rock music playing]