The Barbarian and the Troll (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

- We made it to the lair
of the great Sapphire Dragon
of Hillenburg.
- Are you sure
this is the right place?
- Right.
- Dragons are known
for their signage.
- They are also known
to anger quickly
and strike unexpectedly
so keep close
and stay vigilant.
- Sure I shouldn't
just jump in there
and give 'em
the old one-two zapperoo?
- No, you shouldn't do that.
- Oh, I could fly in from above
and drop a bomb on him,
if you catch my drift.
- I do, and don't.
- It's hacking time.
Let me at him. Let me at him.
- There will be no bombs
- Aww.
- No zapperoos
- Aww.
- And no premature hacking.
-
- We'll be silent, tiptoeing,
until I execute my attack.
Got it?
- Got it, boss.
Sorry.
-
Why?
Oh!
- Evan.
- A troll burned
his bridge ♪
A warrior lost her crown ♪
I'm not being poetic ♪
That's literally
what went down ♪
Together their journey
has begun ♪
Combining might and melody ♪
To quest and smite a demon ♪
And find their true family ♪
Yeah ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
♪
- Okay, listen up.
- Yeah.
- For those of you who haven't
been paying attention--
- That's Evan.
- In order to save
my brother Kendar
and destroy the demon Alvin,
we have to get dragon tears
on Axe.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
- So let's make
that dragon cry.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Hi, quick Q before we risk
all our lives.
What is your whole
complicated backstory?
- Oh, it's very complicated.
- Yeah, and it's
a whole backstory.
- Appreciate
the Gothmorian chorus,
but I asked Brendar.
- Now's not the time.
- When's the good time,
after we get burned
by the flames of that dragon
we're about to meet?
- Maybe.
-
- Look, I just don't think
we need to know
everything about each other,
okay?
- Like our feelings?
-
- Brendar, you're an emotional
stone wall.
- Thank you.
Now, less questions,
more questing.
-
- Yeah.
We're in the lair
of a very dangerous dragon.
Hmm. It's not vanilla.
Wow, look at all this!
Butter my crullers!
Are those cinnamon rolls?
They're huge.
- Guilty.
-
- Prepare yourself
to cry, dragon.
- It's chopping time.
- Well, aren't you
the brave ones?
- Brendar, these eclairs
are delicious.
You gotta try one.
- I don't do eclairs.
Are you a custard or a donut?
Make up your mind.
- Hey, we're not here
for treats.
We're here for tears.
- My tears for your axe,
I assume.
- Yeah.
- Save it, buttercup.
I haven't cried in eons.
How embarrassing for you.
- I guess we're gonna do this
the hard way.
- Prepare to be boohooed,
lizard.
- You know, I'm one of 12
dragons left in Gothmoria.
Kill me and there will be
only 11.
- Yeah, I know how math works.
- Hmm.
- Look, this attack
on your life isn't personal.
I'd spare you if I could,
but I have to save my brother
from a demon.
- Oh, Marty the demon?
- No.
- Sebastian the demon?
- No.
- Carol?
- No, Alvin.
- Oh, the demon Alvin.
She's a loose cannon, that one.
- Huh?
- Demons are the worst,
am I right?
- She is the main antagonist
in my complicated backstory.
- That we're not allowed
to know about, apparently.
- A demon took my grandmama.
I miss her endlessly.
She would make a stew
that would bring me to tears.
- Food made you cry?
- She was
a true culinary genius.
But alas,
after hundreds of attempts,
I've never been able
to duplicate her recipe.
- Aw, give yourself
some credit.
You're really good baker.
- Oh, thank you, cherub.
But I only use what I can find
in the forest.
Grandma's recipe calls
for very specific ingredients
found only at the gnome market.
- So why don't you just go
to the gnome market?
- Well, if only it were
that easy.
Every time I go, they say,
"Ah! There's a dragon!
We're so tiny!"
Anyway, apparently breathing
fire in public is, um
frowned upon.
- So don't breathe fire
in public.
- I'm a dragon.
Might as well tell a fish
not to breathe water.
- What if we go
to the marketplace for you?
Then you can make
your cry stew,
give us the tears, win-win.
- Well, are you prepared
for that?
The recipe is very specific,
and I must have
every ingredient.
- I'm a barbarian warrior.
I'm pretty sure I can handle
a grocery list.
- The gnomes aren't
fans of mine,
so keep it on the DL.
- Guys, I'm so excited.
- Yeah, after you get
your dragon tears,
you'll be able to say,
"No restrictions apply! Zap!"
Except without the zap.
That's my thing.
- Oh.
♪
- Is that
the Diamond Grind 2000?
- Why, it is.
You know your sharpeners.
I got it
as a lair-warming gift.
Care to take it for a spin?
- Really?
- Yes, absolutely.
Questing can be very hard
on metal.
- Let's move out.
- Brendar, do you mind
if I hang back?
- No, you could use
a little sharpening.
- I'm gonna grab
some road muffins.
Good thing
today's my cheat day.
- Oh, I like these.
Wrap them up.
I'm going to go find
my husband.
- Absolutely.
- Support small businesses!
- And so then the mermaid goes,
"Well, you put the wasabi
on the wrong half."
- Oh, I love gnome markets.
Gnomes are so cute.
Ooh, hello there, little buddy.
- Ooh, you're so cute!
Hey! Ow, it hurts!
Make it stop!
- Ay!
- Okay, so everybody knows
what they're getting, right?
- Garlic.
- Peppers.
- Potatoes.
- And I'll get rosemary. Easy.
All right, meet back
in an hour,
and no a-dillydallying.
- Aww, boo.
I like a good dillydally.
Somebody has to tell
that barbarian to relax.
- Well, I'm sure it's tough
with that complicated backstory
of hers.
- Dude, what is
her complicated backstory?
- I know as much as you do,
which is very little.
- So neither of you mind
risking your lives
without knowing why?
- We're helping her rescue
her brother.
That's enough for me.
- I'm just afraid
she'll squash us
into a pulp if we press it.
- Yeah.
- What do you think?
You wanna help me find
some spuds, pumpkin?
- Hard pass.
Peace out, pigeons.
- Love you, too.
-
Whoa!
- Hey, buddy.
Is that heavy for you?
- No.
Whoa!
I'm okay.
♪
- Ooh, my owl senses
are tingling.
Wow.
- Buenas, mi niña.
Please, come in.
- I can't stay too long.
I gotta actually find some--
- Peppers.
Yes, I can help you.
- How did you know that?
- I know all, Stacey with an E.
- That's my name,
and that's how you spell it.
How did you know that?
- I'm a bruja.
It's my job.
Choose which peppers
you'd like.
I have benevolent
- How can I help?
- Angry
- Who are you calling angry?
- And one
with unfinished business.
- I'm working on my novel.
- Silencio!
- I'll just take
the benevolent peppers.
They'll go down easiest.
How much?
- Oh, no money.
I'll trade you
all of the peppers
for one of your beautiful
owl feathers.
- I like my body parts
fully attached.
- What if I throw in
a free reading?
Anyone you're curious about?
- No.
- No one whose past
you want revealed?
- No.
- So you don't want to know
about the barbarian's
complicated backstory?
- Oh, you can tell me
Brendar's complicated
backstory.
- I can tell all.
- Start plucking.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
- Oh. I so needed this.
- How's the pressure?
- Perfect.
Ready for the other side.
- All right. Flipping.
- This spa day was crucial.
Oh, yeah, right there.
- Well, thanks
for the potatoes.
Enjoy the road muffins.
- I will.
- Well, that didn't take
any time at all.
Good job, me.
- Try the Zap-a-Kraken.
These krakens needs zappin'.
Well, hey there, strong fellow.
You want to try
the Zap-a-Kraken?
You could win a chance
at a giant novelty hat.
- Ooh. I have a face for hats.
- Well, you've come to the
right place there, handsome.
First one's free for wizards.
- Well, this must be
my lucky day.
Moisten the joints.
And loosen the caboosen.
Two more. One more.
- This place closes at 8:00,
you know.
- Okay, I'm ready. Let's go.
- Okay, just a second.
Wake up, Kraken!
Begin.
-
- Zap.
Got you. Zap.
- You're real good at this.
- Zap.
Zap.
-
Zap. Zap. Zap.
Zap. Zap. Zap.
- Winner!
-
- And here is your prize.
- No, no, no, no, I was playing
for that big novelty hat
up there.
- No, you were playing
for a chance
at the big novelty hat.
You gotta win
ten of these first.
- Well, how much
does that cost?
- Hmmone potato each.
- Oh.
Well, how convenient.
- Parsley, sage
Rosemary.
Just in time.
- Not so fast, Brendar.
- Steve?
- In the flesh,
under all this armor.
- Fancy seeing you here.
- I need this rosemary
for Gnarlia's cornbread.
It's chili night. Lots of fun.
I even take off my helmet for
some after-dinner smooching.
- Well, I need this rosemary
for a stew
to make a dragon cry
so my axe can slay a demon.
It's complicated.
- Right, right, your backstory.
Classic Brendar.
- Ooh!
There you are,
my adorable little bulbs.
- Oh, hi there. Let's see,
I would like
one garlic, please.
- How could you?
- How could I what?
- The magical sock.
- Hmm?
- How could you use it
as a coin purse?
- You know about
this magical sock?
- Of course.
It's T-winkle's magical sock.
- Yeah, that's right.
- What did you do to T-winkle?
- What? Nothing. No
I don't even know
how this sock works.
- It came with instructions.
Did you not read
the instruction?
- I--oh. Oh. Uh, not yet?
- You disrespect
the magical sock.
You allegedly did nothing
to T-winkle?
- I actually saved his life.
- I don't buy any of it.
I'm calling citizen's arrest.
- Huh?
- You're going
to the stockade kid.
- What? Okay, no.
- Go. Go on.
- There's no need for all that.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, now. Okay.
Ow, ow, ow. Hey!
- Go.
Hurry up!
- Hey, now.
You want me to just put myself
in here?
- Would you be so kind?
That would really help me out.
- Let me call
upon the ancestors
to help this girl/owl
with her questions.
- You know I'm a girl/owl?
You are good.
- I told you, I'm the best.
Despite what
that horrible woman
in the next tent says about me!
- Your peppers are subpar!
-
The ancestors are here.
What would you like
to ask them?
- I need to know,
what is Brendar's
complicated backstory?
- Elephant tongue
and wizard's ear,
eye of newt and tail of deer,
bring the past of Brendar near.
Ew, her backstory
smells skunky.
- Unless you want me
to mess you up like I did
back at Gnarlia's castle,
I'd let go.
- I'm not giving up this sprig
for a backstory
nobody knows about.
- Nobody needs to know
about it!
- You're facin' a macin',
Brendar.
- So be it.
- And zap. Oh. Aw, zap.
Ooh, zap. Aw, zap.
Oh, come on.
- Loser.
- Oh, zap!
- I'm okay.
- Another round?
- Well, I should do
the responsible thing
and walk away
with my quest potatoes.
But responsibility is
for hatless losers.
Let's play.
- What happened to Brendar
has molded her character.
She wasn't always this way.
I see her.
She's a young girl singing
and jumping on her bed.
- Singing?
You must have
the wrong barbarian.
- You mean the barbarian
that had her brother
stolen by a demon?
- That's Brendar.
- Yes.
And this is that day,
the day that changed
her life forever.
- Huh?
- The attack came quickly.
Alvin went after
their mother first.
Fear took over.
- Brendar!
- Brendar blamed herself
for not being able to save
her brother.
The demon Alvin
carried him away,
leaving Brendar totally alone.
-
- I didn't know
that Brendar blamed herself.
- That's because she doesn't
want you to.
- Why?
- She's a barbarian.
And the last thing they ever
want to do is show weakness.
- I prefer to molt in private,
but that's just a me thing.
- Relinquish the rosemary,
or I will end you.
- Bring it on, barbarian.
- It's on.
- I just polished this.
- Stop fighting!
It's not worth it!
- Give me the sprig!
- All right,
I'm gonna come back
and check on you
in three hours.
- Okay. Wait, what?
Three hours?
No, no, no, I gotta get garlic
back to the dragon.
- Don't do the crime
if you can't do the time.
-
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I have an idea.
Why don't I sing
for the garlic and my freedom?
- A song about how tasty
and wonderful garlic is?
- You betcha.
- Well, I still don't
trust you,
but I'll give it a shot.
- Great.
Buy garlic,
keeps the nostrils clear ♪
So pungent, so austere ♪
The king
of the food frontier ♪
Buy garlic,
the rose of the onion tribe ♪
The cooler cousin
of the chive ♪
The medicine I prescribe ♪
Buy garlic if you're hungry,
if you're sick ♪
If you're just fine
but need a lift ♪
Get your buns over here,
get a whiff ♪
Buy garlic ♪
- It is so nice to hear music
during these stressful times,
what with the plague and all.
- Mm-hmm.
- I think
that I am gonna take a bulb
of this delicious garlic.
- Oh, and don't forget
to give us a review.
- Parking is hard,
but the garlic is five stars.
- Huh?
- Go! Go!
-
- Come on, barbarian.
Give me the sprig.
- Just. Use. Sage.
Hey, wait!
- Stop fighting!
It's not worth it!
- Well, thanks for the gossip.
And the ghost peppers.
- Any time, amor.
- Let go!
- No, you let go!
- Quit shoving!
- You shoved me first!
- Cut it out!
- You cut it out!
I'm gonna tell Gnarlia on you.
- Oh, see if I care.
The sprig is mine.
- Ay, Dios mío!
What kind of idiot ruins
a tent?
- It's my sprig!
- It's mine!
- I got it!
- That's my friend
and a guy my mom's dating.
- Hey, wait up.
- Stop fighting!
It's not worth it!
- Gotta fly.
- Beelzebub's bum!
Now what am I gonna do
with nine tiny hats?
- You can use them
to keep your toes warm.
- How did you know
I was missing a toe?
- Freedom!
- Why, you krakens!
Get back here!
- Give me that herb,
you lug head!
- I will not relent.
This rosemary is
for my Gnar Gnar.
Stop fighting!
It's not worth it!
- Oh.
- Oh! My eggs!
- Give me the sprig.
- Stop fighting!
It's not worth it!
- I need this rosemary
for my quest.
- I need this rosemary
for my girlfriend.
- No, it's not worth it
because
I have more rosemary.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- Me too.
- Let's make like
these potatoes
and peel out of here!
- I can't wait to tell Brendar
how wrong she was about you.
- Oh, how so?
- Well, she says
dragons are quick to anger,
strike unexpectedly,
and find most humans
to be too trusting.
- Well, Axe, you should have
listened to your friends,
for you see, they are out
getting ingredients
to make a stew
of themselves.
- Yuck!
- So I just made up a song
on the spot
and then sold a lot
of extra garlic for the guy.
- You're a talented guy.
-
Everybody, everybody,
we gotta get out of here.
That dragon is not
a very good dragon.
- You're all shiny.
- Oh, thanks.
I know I look good, but--
- Yeah.
- Wait! He's going to eat you!
- What?
- Imagine that.
Sending us for ingredients
for a stew of us.
- Yes. Imagine that.
Hello, proteins.
You think that tiny piece
of flint will stop me?
- At least we'll be
in a delicious soup together.
Yay!
- I. Told. You. So.
- Well, you did warn them.
Doesn't feel good to be right.
- Well, it is bittersweet
this time,
but in general, sure.
-
- Can we stop now?
- No, we've got a whole bag
of onions to get through.
Keep chopping.
- Well, this is not
how I thought it would end.
- It was number two on my list.
Number one was becoming
an afternoon snack for Mom.
It's kind of funny.
Either way, I get eaten.
- I pictured I'd go out
in a more sparkly robe.
- I thought for sure I'd fly
into a window.
- Now that we're about
to become a meal for a dragon,
I want to tell you
that questing with you all
has been the most fun time
of my life.
- Gotta admit,
this trip has beena trip.
- Remember when these two
thought I was an evil wizard,
and then I was all like,
"Big fan"?
- Yeah, we thought
you were evil.
- Yeah.
Hey, Brendar,
I'm sorry I pestered you
about your backstory.
It really is
none of my business.
- It's okay.
I just don't talk about it
because I'm ashamed.
I didn't stop Alvin
from taking my brother
'cause I was too scared
to do anything.
- You get scared?
- Of course I get scared.
I'm scared of rejection
and loneliness
and small talk,
and I'm terrified
of never seeing
my brother again
and that, because of me,
you're all about to become
dragon stew.
- Oh, we don't mind.
- Speak for yourself.
- Oh, okay. I don't mind.
- Thank you for helping me
avenge my backstory,
even though we never got
to save my brother.
Since I lost him,
I've only ever had
archenemies and rivals.
I've never had friends.
That's the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.
I miss my grandma!
- Axe, the tears.
- It's raining tears.
♪
I've been wanting to say this
no restrictions apply!
- Axe, cut our ropes
while he's distracted.
♪
- Sorry we can't stay
for dinner.
That was a close one.
- Next stop, Alvin the demon.
- Are you coming?
- Hmm?
You guys go ahead.
I'm gonna get some road snacks.
come on, Axe.
- Um, she's not really
going back
to get muffins, is she?
- Nope.
She's gonna go back
and kick some dragon tail.
Get him, Brendar.
Miss me, buttercup?
- Ouchie!