The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e07 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Can she bake a cherry pie Billy boy, Billy boy Can she bake a cherry pie, Charmin' Billy? She can bake a cherry pie Quick as a cat can Wink her eye She's a young thing And cannot leave her mother.
Well, Granny, did you pick out your spot yet for the garden? Yep.
I kinda favor a patch right close here to the house.
Yeah, I'll plow you up somethin' there directly.
Yeah, just enough for some onions and taters and some rutybagas.
And a few rows of corn.
Pa? - Morning, Granny.
- Mornin'.
Pa, can I help you with the plowin' and the spadin'? Well, Elly, I'd rather you put on one of them pretty dresses that Miss Hathaway got you.
But, Pa, I can plow better in these clothes.
I don't mean for plowin'.
You know, Elly, I'd like you to wear one of them dresses kinda regular.
Wouldn't you, Granny? You're mighty fetchin' in a dress, Elly.
Prettier than a tub of fresh churned butter.
Pa, if I go to wearin' them dresses, Jethro will make fun of me.
I reckon he hadn't better.
Now, you run along and put on somethin' with skirts.
All right, but he hadn't better make fun.
He won't, he won't.
You know, speakin' of Jethro, I think he's got hisself a sweetheart.
The banker's secretary? That's right.
They was out together last night.
What'd they do? Well, I don't rightly know for sure, but it was somethin' to do with bowls.
All you do with bowls is eat.
I reckon that's what it was, then.
She said she was gonna take him bowlin'.
You know, Jed, I kinda like that Miss Hathaway.
Yeah, I think she kinda likes us, too.
Oh, those marvelous Clampetts.
Those simple, rugged mountain people.
The more I see of them, the more I am impressed.
- Yes, now - Never have I observed such strength of body, mind and character.
- Yes, now I - They stand like boulders on the pebble-strewn landscape of Beverly Hills.
Like mighty oaks among bushes.
- Like - Like quiet.
Now, like I admire them, too.
But those boulders need polishing, and we've got to put some city leaves on those oaks before my wife gets back from Boston.
Incidentally, in any endeavor requiring physical strength, they are most exceptional.
I took Jethro bowling last night.
Here's the bill.
$3,000? How many games did you bowl? Well, you see, what happened was this.
I said to Jethro "Pick up that bowlin' ball," she says, "and see can you knock over them pins down yonder.
" They's just sticks.
Anyway, I snatches up that rascal, draws back and lets her fly! Did you knock down them pins? Yeah.
The pins, the pin boy, the end of the building, a brick wall and a signboard down on Sunset Boulevard.
I bet you Miss Jane didn't do that good.
She didn't even try.
She just looks at me and says, "Jethro, you're strong as an ox and twice as handsome.
" Ain't no two ways about it, Granny.
That city girl is sweet on this boy.
I reckon so, the way she's braggin' on his looks.
You are handsomer than an ox.
Thank you, Granny.
Cousin Elly, you're a city girl now.
- Do you think - You see that, Pa? I told you this would happen if I took to wearin' these dresses.
You call me that again, and I'll turn you every way but loose! I didn't say nothin' but "city gal.
" Elly May Clampett! You get up from there or you're goin' across my knee! And, Jethro, you're goin' across mine.
What did I do that was so all-fired bad? In that dress, she looks just like a city gal.
You did it again! Reckon we better go out there, see she don't hurt him.
Elly May! Leave me be, leave me be, Elly May! Jethro, now that we's livin' in the city, you got to learn to use the steps.
You'll be happy to know that I'm making splendid progress with Elly May.
She's turning into quite a lady.
Fine.
But it's Jed, Granny and Jethro we've got to work on Clothes, manners, the works.
What have you done about servants? That's a problem, Chief.
They're basically opposed to the whole idea of able-bodied people letting others do their work for them.
Well, that's a refreshing attitude.
But we've got to get a skeleton staff in there somehow.
A combination butler and valet for Jed and Jethro to help them assemble a wardrobe, teach them how to Ravenswood.
Your butler? He's never been my butler.
Came with my wife like an overweight dowry.
Been in her family for years.
And with Margaret in Boston, I can certainly spare him, plus her upstairs girl, Marie.
I doubt if you can sell Mr.
Clampett on the idea of servants.
Get him on the phone.
I'll make him think he's doing me a favor by taking them off my hands for awhile.
Right, Chief.
She hadn't oughta throwed me down on my head like that.
What if I'd-a been carryin' a frog in my hat? You ain't supposed to be wearin' your hat in the house.
Well, Granny, where's a fella gonna carry a frog? They jump outta your pockets.
Hello? Oh, howdy there, Mr.
Drysdale.
Glad to have you back from Boston.
Your missus come with you? Oh, well, that's too bad.
I know her and Granny'd hit it off like two sows in a mud wallow.
Yes, yes, I-I'm sure they would.
Uh, recipes? No, no, my wife doesn't do much cooking.
No, I-I doubt if she ever made grits and hog jowls.
Well, how about, uh, mustard greens and possum belly? No foolin'.
Uh, pone and squirrel shanks? Hmm.
Boiled chicken hawk? Well, say, she don't do much cookin', does she? No.
Well, the reason I called, Mr.
Clampett, is I have a butler.
Well, he really belongs to my wife's family, but he's been with us ever since we were married.
And I was wondering if you'd let him come and stay with you for awhile.
You mean board with us? Well, I guess you could call it that.
Who's gonna board with us? Uh, just a minute.
Uh, some kin of Mrs.
Drysdale named Butler.
Oh, why, we'd be just That's that no-good fat rascal that wouldn't let Elly and me in to help Mrs.
Drysdale when she was soberin' up.
Hello? Uh, Granny was talkin' at me, but she's done now.
- Oh, no, she ain't.
- Just a minute.
Granny, let me hear the man out, and then we can talk it over.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Drysdale, I'm a-listenin' now.
Well, in addition to Ravenswood he's the butler You can also have my wife's upstairs girl, Marie.
Margaret may be away for some time, and I have absolutely no use for them.
Well, uh, I sure would like to oblige.
Uh, me and Granny'll talk it over and I'll call you.
Oh, thank you.
You'll be doing me a great favor.
Always glad to help out when I can.
Thank you again, Mr.
Clampett, and good-bye.
Is somebody comin' to live with us, Uncle Jed? Maybe, Jethro, uh, maybe.
Why don't you, uh, go out and make up with your cousin Elly.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
All right, Jed, let's have it.
We gonna board that Butler fella? Well, uh, Mr.
Drysdale'll take it mighty kindly if we did.
He says he ain't got no use for him.
I don't like him myself.
Granny, you only met him once.
Once was enough.
I asked him real nice, I said, "Are you a-doin' "for Mrs.
Drysdale that she's feelin' poorly? "Are you doin' the washin' and the scrubbin' and the cleanin' for her?" Then he looks right down his nose at me and says, "Madame, I am a Butler.
" Well, I reckon he is proud of his name.
Kinda fancy.
Ravenswood Butler.
I don't care if it's Stonewall Jackson.
And I think Mr.
Drysdale has a lot of gall to ask us to take his wife's kinfolks off his hands.
Well, now I'm mighty beholden to him.
You know, he's keepin' my $25 million in his bank, and he ain't chargin' me one penny to do it.
That's his business; you didn't ask him to do it.
Well, now, Granny, if it was just Mr.
Butler, I might agree with you, but there's a sad side to the story, too.
What's that? Well, you've heard of Mr.
Drysdale speak of his stepson, that's his wife's boy by her first marriage? The one they call Sonny? Yeah.
Well, it seems she's got a girl, too.
And there must be somethin' wrong with her.
- What? - I don't know, but they keep her upstairs.
- No! - Yeah.
He spoke of her as "my wife's upstairs girl.
" Oh.
The poor thing.
Her name's Marie, and he'd like us to take her and Mr.
Butler.
Doggone it, Jed.
We got enough to do to take care of this big place without He didn't say what was ailin' her, huh? Well, no, but if you ask me, they ain't eatin' right over there.
No.
- You know what Mr.
Drysdale told me? - What? His wife ain't never cooked grits and hog jowls.
Ah, go on.
That's a fact.
Nor mustard greens and possum belly, nor pone and squirrel shanks, nor even boiled chicken hawk.
Well, land to mercy! You can't hardly blame Mr.
Butler for gettin' a mite cranky.
Man don't eat right, he gets that way.
Well, Jed, I reckon it won't do no harm to take 'em in for a spell.
Granny, for such a little woman, you got a awful big heart.
Well, I feel sorry for the poor girl.
But the first time that fancy-pants Mr.
Butler looks down his nose at me, I'm gonna chuck him in the cement pond! II Now, I'm doubling your salaries for the length of time you stay at the Clampett home.
But if one word of this gets back to my wife in Boston, you're both out of work with no references.
Actually, you will find the Clampetts to be basically fine people.
All they need is a little polish.
Polish.
They need sandblasting.
However, I think Miss Hathaway's plan may overcome their initial resentment of wearing city clothes.
Yes, I-I think I have devised rather a clever strategy.
To put it briefly and succinctly, my strategy is as follows.
I shall propose to the Clampetts that they sit for a family portrait.
As you know, my hobby is painting.
Now, I shall suggest to the Clampetts that their attire match their background, which is of course their beautiful mansion.
They will no doubt see the logic of my didactic approach, accede to my wishes, don suitable raiment, and, once they have seen themselves thus attired, take We're in.
Let's go.
We forgot to dust the stair rail.
I'll get it, Granny.
There.
Wearin' boys clothes does come in handy sometimes.
By ginger, Granny, I think we got her all spick-and-span for the company.
There ain't a speck of dirt no place.
Can I go swimmin' now? Me, too? Soon as we help Granny clean up the kitchen.
There goes that music again.
Sure is pretty.
Jethro, you ever find out where that comes from? No'm, Granny.
Every single time I commence to lookin' for it, somebody comes to the door.
Nobody to the door now.
There will be, you'll see.
Mmm, doggies, that's nice.
Let's all pitch in and see can we find it.
You're wastin' your time.
I'm a-tellin' you, before you can find it, somebody'“ come to the door.
There.
You see? Happens every time! Now, remember, Ravenswood, I'm counting on you.
- Don't fail me.
- You have my word, sir.
I've been butler and valet since boyhood, as was my father before me and his father before him.
And I have yet to meet the man or woman who posed a social problem too difficult for me to handle.
That's the spirit.
Howdy there.
Remember me, Mr.
Butler? No! Ravenswood, come back! You gave your word! Come back, you coward! Come back here! I'll cut off your fringe benefits! Ravenswood probably forgot something.
He'll return shortly.
Meanwhile, this is Marie, Mrs.
Drysdale's upstairs girl.
Marie, J.
D.
Clampett.
Howdy.
Jethro Bodine.
Elly May Clampett.
And Grandma Clampett.
No, ma'am.
I am a Moses.
Pardon? Granny's related on my wife's side.
They's the Moses family from Tennessee.
Then your name is Granny Moses? Grandma Moses.
That's right.
There was a very famous Grandma Moses who painted primitives.
I've whitewashed a few myself.
I'll show Marie to her room.
Listen, Marie, honey.
Over here, you've got the run of the house.
You don't have to hide upstairs.
Ain't nothin' wrong with that girl but what some good cookin' will cure.
She's half starved.
Poor thing is so weak, her knees keeps a-bucklin' on her.
She's kinda pretty though for a skinny girl.
Just wait till she gets a mess of Granny's grits and hog jowls.
That'll fill her out.
Well, I'll get some a-cookin'.
Guess that Butler fella will be comin' back directly.
Oh, and, Granny, can we have some of that salted-down possum belly that Ma sent us? Well, I reckon it is kind of a company meal.
Granny open up a jar of them pickled crow gizzards.
Now, Jed, we don't want to spoil these folks.
They might get to thinkin' we eat like that every day.
Elly May, would you do somethin' nice for me? Why, sure, Pa.
Will you go get into that pretty dress again? Aw, Pa, Jethro'“ make fun of me.
No, I won't, Elly May.
Cross my heart.
Well That's my damn“.
Thank you.
And then, you be real nice to Marie.
She's had a bad life.
I'll be nice to her.
She's pretty.
Let's all be nice.
Heck fire.
I wanted to go swimmin'.
Now I got to go put on a old dress.
Cousin Elly, you look awful pretty in a dress.
Honest you do.
Do I look pretty than that there city girl? You look prettier than that there city girl! That did it! Come on and fight! Now, Elly, Elly! Now, come on, Elly! There's nothing to be afraid of, Ravenswood.
The fact that they're big and strong doesn't mean they're violent.
Elephants can be gentle.
Now, Ravenswood, you let appearances deceive you.
- Oh, really, sir? - Oh, I do admit, on the surface, they do seem a bit rough, even crude.
But I assure you, underneath, they are placid, kindly and gentle; you'll see.
You shouldn't have called me a city girl! Elly May, leave me alone! Please, Elly May! You called me city girl! Elly May! Elly May, leave me be! Mr.
Butler, don't never say anythin' nice to that girl.
She'll kill you! No! Ravenswood! Come back here! Coward! Come back! You promised! Ravenswood! By thunder, Granny, when Mr.
Drysdale said he didn't have no use for Mr.
Butler, he sure wasn't foolin'.
I just seen him cut through the brush chasin' him with a stick.
That Mr.
Butler gets sassy with me, I'll chase him with more than a stick.
Uncle Jed, Elly throwed me down on my head again.
If she don't stop that, I'm gonna get a headache.
Stop rilin' her, Jethro.
But, golly, all I said was she's pretty.
That ain't no call to bust a fella's head.
Pardon.
Oh, howdy, Marie.
- Hi, Marie.
- Monsieur.
Are you hungry, darlin’? - No, madame.
I'm whompin' up somethin' that'll just set your mouth to waterin'.
Put some strength in your limbs, too.
Tell her what it is, Granny.
A great big mess of grits and hog jowls.
And salted-down possum belly.
Cold pickled crow gizzards.
How you like that? Don't tell me that child ain't hungry.
Why, she's ready to drop in her tracks.
Set her at the table and I'll dish up a mess.
No, please.
I only came in to bring you a message from Miss Hathaway.
She's preparing to paint the family portrait, and she wishes to know if you all will sit for her.
May I tell her that you will sit for her? Well, yeah, I reckon we'll do that.
Merci.
Well, let's get at it.
You reckon it's all right to talk while we're sittin'? Yeah, I reckon.
Hound out somethin' about Marie.
What? She's scared of Mr.
Butler.
How do you know? I ask her to go swimmin' with me, she says he wouldn't allow it.
What business is it of his? That's what I said.
And she says, "He's a Butler, and I'm just an upstairs girl.
I got to do whatever he says.
" We'll see about this.
By dingies! Let's help Mr.
Drysdale find him and give him a whuppin'! I'll catch him, Granny.
Now, Elly, you go put a dress on like you promised.
Uncle Jed, I'm goin' swimmin'.
If I see him, I'll fetch him in.
Don't go jumpin' in with your clothes on again.
Oh, I won't, Uncle Jed.
Miss Hathaway, she give me a present last night.
She's says it's somethin' special for to go swimmin' in.
What'd she give you? Oh, pair of trunks.
Uh, you go swimmin' in the cement pond.
Boy is too big to go swimmin' in a trunk.
- Jed - Even a pair of them.
I got a feelin' that Mr.
Butler fella is gonna be trouble.
Well, we can handle him.
Well, I still say that I think Mr.
Drysdale has a lot of nerve to ask us to board his wife's relations.
Well, he's just fed up.
Man can get awful tired of havin' his wife's kin underfoot all the time.
He told me that Butler fella had been livin' with 'em ever since they was married.
I declare, some in-laws latch onto free room and board like leeches.
It takes a mule kick to jar 'em loose.
You can't hardly blame Mr.
Drysdale for tryin' to get shed of a critter like that.
Is that the way you feel? You bet it is.
I'll see how fast I can get packed.
Do what? I'll get out from underfoot just as quick as I can.
Now, wait a minute! No, Jed.
I know when I'm not wanted.
It don't take no mule kick to get shed of me.
Tarnation, Granny! Why, I wasn't talkin' about you.
We couldn't get along without you.
No, Jed.
I'm just a burdensome old woman, no good to nobody.
Why don't you throw me down the well.
Granny! Go ahead, pick me up, carry me out to the well and throw me in.
Granny, you stop talkin' like that! Uncle Jed! Uncle Jed! - Put me down! - I caught him.
Mr.
Drysdale, he gave out, but I caught this fat little rascal.
Put him down.
You gonna whip him, Granny? No, Jethro, I'm gonna get throwed down the well.
Why don't you throw us both down the well together.
We're just no-good leeches, both of us! Granny, you hush that.
Mr.
Butler, I'm sorry Jethro got a mite rough with you.
He don't mean no harm; he's just a overgrowed boy.
Now, we're all mighty pleasured to have you come and stay with us, and, uh, long as you behave yourself, won't be no trouble.
Oh, uh, I'm Jed Clampett.
Sir.
This here's Granny.
Madame.
I reckon you and Jethro done met.
Yeah.
Sir.
Oh, and this here is my daughter, Elly May.
Enchante, mademoiselle.
Vous etes tres belle, tres charmante, tres ravissante.
Don't you dare use them kind of words to a lady! What'd he say, Granny? I ain't sure, but it sounded dirty.
I said your daughter was pretty and charming.
Oh, you're so different from all the others.
You're like a beautiful city girl.
He hadn't oughta said that.
No! Oh, Marie.
Oui, Miss Jane? Didn't you say the Clampetts had agreed to sit for their portrait? Oui, they said they would do it.
No! Ravenswood, really! What is this?! I-I believe it to be self-preservation, madame.
No! Don't take to the stairs; she'll catch you sure! Oh, I say, now let me go! Now, really! No! No! Sounds like Elly got him.
Afraid so.
Will someone please tell me what is transpiring? Uncle Jed! Elly throwed him, all right, but I caught him before he hit the floor.
Oh, here you are.
Well, now, everything seems to be fine.
You see, Ravenswood? Didn't I tell you the Clampetts were kindly, gentle people? Yes, uh, thank you, sir.
Hmm.
We're gonna have to feed up both of them, Granny.
His knees is bucklin', too.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.