The Cleveland Show s01e07 Episode Script

[SINGS.]
It's the most wonderful time of the year I love Thanksgiving.
ANNOUNCER: It's The Cleveland Thanksgiving.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
Brought to you by Cascade.
Cascade.
Your husband will thank you for it.
With special guests Crystal Gayle Wayland Flowers and Madame Heisman Trophy winner Tony Dorsett and the Cleveland Brown dancers.
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is the Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Freeze, Indian.
I will now steal your land and name my sports teams after you.
Joke's on you, white man.
My descendants will corner the market on blue-jean jackets and blow cigarette smoke in the faces of your descendants.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, goody.
That must be my mommy.
Hi, Mom.
Welcome to our new home.
Cleveland.
Oh, Lord.
You're wasting away.
Are you feeding him? Not enough.
Look at me.
- Hello, Cookie.
- Well, you've been eating.
We missed you at the wedding.
Oh, you mean the wedding with my son who wasn't good enough 25 years ago but now you'll take him since you're left with two misbehaving kids? Yes.
That wedding.
And for your information, my kids do behave themselves.
Oh, fuck.
We lit this bag of dogshit on fire right on the bear's porch.
Then the bear comes out and stomps on it.
And he's like, "Oh, I got dogshit on my fucking foot.
" Ha, ha, ha, fucking bear.
Who the fuck is this? This is my mother.
I meant no disrespect.
Let me get you a JET magazine and some sweet tea.
Oh, thank you, young man.
But first, I have someone else I'd like you to meet.
Dad? RALLO: Ow, my neck.
My neck and my back.
Hey, Chunky.
Sir.
Donna, you remember my father who left my mother for a Waffle House waitress twice.
So you two are back together? - Looks that way.
- Why you ask so many questions? [R&B MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO.]
Oh, girl, Thanksgiving is wack.
Every moment I have to be away from you, my heart is, like, damn.
[ROBERTA MOANING.]
You know what? Hell with our families.
We should have our own Thanksgiving.
A romantic Thanksgiving, just the two of us.
For real, yo? That's tight.
We's Romeo and Julieting this turkey day.
I loves you, Ro-ham.
I loves you more than unicorns love pixie dust.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING AND UNICORNS NEIGHING.]
[SNORTS.]
You got any Fruit Stripe Gum? - Ow.
- Watch where you walking, Pudgy.
[BOTH GROWL.]
[WHIMPERS.]
Um, can I help you find something? Nope.
I'm just looking for a glass without a spot on it.
[INNER VOICE.]
How embarrassing.
I knew I should have paid a few cents more for Cascade.
Check out baby Cleveland in the bathtub.
Look at his little bitty tiny cashew.
[LAVAR AND RALLO CHUCKLE.]
I can't see it.
Let me get my reading binoculars.
I like this kid.
You know, I been thinking maybe I should shoot out another kid try to get this one right.
I've had similar thoughts.
And, you know, I have not gone through the change.
You gone through the change on the outside.
You know, I think it's wonderful that the whole family will be here for Thanksgiving tomorrow.
Mom, did you not get my text? I'm spending Thanksgiving with Federline.
You most certainly are not.
Do you have any idea how much work I am putting into this dinner? Judging from those store-bought pies in the kitchen, I'd say not enough.
Are you gonna let your crazy mother talk to me like that? Ha, ha.
That's my mama.
Ha, ha.
Are you gonna let your big-ass wife talk to me like that? Ha, ha.
That's my wife.
Ha, ha.
While you guys work that out, I'm gonna get going.
Roberta, your mother wants you You are not my father.
New family's really warming up to you, Tubby.
That's it.
You wanna dance, little lady? Fight, fight, fight.
- Bye, Mom.
- You are not going anywhere.
Let go of my coat.
Your coat? I paid for this coat.
[RALLO WHISTLES.]
Hey, Cleveland's dad.
JUNIOR: Dad.
[CLEVELAND GROWLS.]
ROBERTA: Let go of my coat.
RALLO: Fight.
Fight.
Fight.
Well, what in tarnation is going on up in here? Auntie Momma.
Damn skippy.
Oh, whee.
Up jumped the devil.
Don't squeeze too tight or else somebody's gonna have to call the fart police.
Those filling-station nachos are not agreeing with your Auntie Momma.
[FARTS.]
I'm outrageous! [ALL LAUGH.]
Now stop all this scrapping, dipping, and dapping, don't know what's happening.
Now, who's this little one? Donna, don't tell me you went and got yourself knocked up by Anthony Anderson.
You nasty girl.
Hi, strange lady.
My name is Cleveland Brown Jr.
And I'm Lavar Brown.
But call me Freight Train.
Oh, well, choo-choo to you.
Hire me a couple Chinese because we building a train track right here.
Auntie Momma, you should have told me you were coming.
Girl, you know Auntie Momma can't be tied down unless this one's doing the tying.
Ooh-ooh! I'm outrageous.
Hey, Auntie Momma.
Cleveland Brown, as I live and breathe.
Look at you.
All grown up and unconventionally sexy.
Moustache all putting Wilt Chamberlain's to shame.
Honey, I should know.
I was number 8433 and 11,760.
[FARTS.]
Ooh, I'm outrageous.
Auntie Momma, we need to talk.
Mm-hm.
You know we will, girlfriend.
I wanna hear all about the young mens up in your life.
But now, Auntie Momma's off to the potty room to see what all these farts are about.
Ha, ha.
Maybe this Thanksgiving won't be so bad after all.
I'm gonna clean up this broken glass.
Sorry I tossed him the knife, but I wanted him to kill you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can see Auntie Momma's penis.
Auntie Momma's penis? Let's play a game.
Everybody say something weird about themselves.
I'll start.
I don't have nails on my small toes.
Your turn, Auntie Momma.
I don't understand why a no-good team like the Lions gets to play on Thanksgiving.
But I'd still let them pile up on me in the locker room.
I love a good sack.
Auntie Momma.
I'm outrageous.
See that, Cookie? A lady who loves football, that's a real woman.
No offense.
That's an ugly apron.
Whoops.
Sometimes they jump on you.
What's wrong with you, sourpuss? You look lower than Clint Eastwood's testicles.
[GRUMBLES.]
We had a pretty good run.
Had Angie Dickinson, didn't we, boys? [GUN COCKS.]
[YELLS.]
[GUNSHOT.]
She won't let me spend Thanksgiving with Federline.
Girl wants to be with her boyfriend.
Pumpkin, why you trying to keep those two lovebirds apart? Thanksgiving is about family.
Roberta should be with us.
Now, sweet potato-pudding-plum pie, I remember another 15-year-old girl with more boobs than brains who thought nobody understood her.
Do you know who I'm talking about? [SIGHS.]
Me.
And what did I tell you back then? You told me that I should fly like a bird because you can't keep your heart in a cage.
And then you farted.
And then you said you were outrageous.
That's right.
And now when I look at Roberta, do you know what I see? A younger, stupider you.
Donna, let this caged bird fly too.
I want you home before curfew.
Thanks, Mom.
I love you, Auntie Momma.
[DONNA AND ROBERTA LAUGH.]
Ah, that woman can convince me of anything.
I'll say.
Donna, I need to talk to you about Auntie Momma.
Cleveland, I know.
I know.
She can be a little outrageous.
I think even she knows that.
But my whole life, she's been the one person I could always count on.
I don't know what I'd do without my Auntie Momma or if my image of her was changed in any way.
Now, what did you wanna say? Uh She's a handsome woman.
And not like men are handsome.
Like a woman is handsome.
Like a woman is handsome.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Okay, turkey-day football game.
The count's five Mississippi.
I've chalked the end zones with Parmesan cheese.
You get one blitz per set of downs.
There's no rollover blitzes unless - Hey.
- You talk too much, C-cup.
Tubbs against Browns.
Donna, you get Rallo and the fine Auntie Momma.
You got your work cut out for you.
I'm kind of a ball hog.
And I'm also a "hog" hog.
Mm.
Well, I don't know about all that, but you can gargle my balls.
You outrageous.
Looks like the outrageous is contagious.
Okay, we'll kick off.
[MARCHING-BAND MUSIC PLAYS.]
[LAVAR CHUCKLES.]
Train left the station and you Ugh! [GROWLS.]
Damn.
Where did you learn to play like that? This ain't my first time on a football field.
Ask Earl Campbell what we did on the Why don't you show me? Because Donna used all the Crisco for the pancakes.
There's Head and Shoulders in the crapper.
I like the way you think.
Okay, you guys, kick off.
Game's over.
I'm about to pull my groin.
[CAT SCREECHES.]
Hmm.
That's one bald pussy.
I'm worried about your mother.
I'm worried about my father.
I'm worried about leaving my soda can unattended because a bee could easily fly in there.
And then I would take a sip and that bee could sting me inside my throat.
And then people would ask, "What's wrong, Cleveland Brown Jr?" And I wouldn't be able to tell them because my throat would be all closed up.
Write it in your worry journal.
[RUSTLING.]
What was that? - Oh, damn.
It's homelesses.
- Oh, my God.
They stole the Cutlass.
They done stripped me of my whip.
Whip stripped.
Whoo-ooh! [SIGHS.]
Mm.
This Freight Train can't wait to hook up with that caboose.
All aboard.
[FARTS.]
Ooh, I got a feeling sex is gonna be all sloppy with you.
My reputation precedes me.
Ha, ha.
Ooh.
[INNER VOICE.]
Oh, what do I do? What do I do? Do the right thing, Cleveland.
Daryl Hall? What are you doing here? I'm here to weigh in on your situation.
You thinking about letting your father walk into a wiener factory? I can't go for that.
No can do.
- Who are you? - Seriously? You got angel, Daryl Hall, on your left shoulder and you can't figure who I am? - John Oates? - Actual size.
Screw you, Hall.
Your dad's a jerk.
Don't tell him.
Let him wrangle that dangle.
Well, maybe if you warn your father, he'll finally appreciate you.
I still say, "Let him tickle that pickle.
" [SINGING.]
Whoa, here she comes Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up Whoa, here she comes She's a man Oh, Dad, come here.
Go away, fool.
It's important.
You can't do this because Dad, you came here with Mom.
Show the woman a little respect.
Your mama ain't a woman.
You're more of a woman than she is.
Your boobs are bigger, your ass is rounder, and your moustache ain't as thick.
That is a woman.
Now, if you'll excuse me, princess, I'm gonna go destroy your kids' bathroom.
You know what? I take it back.
You and Auntie Momma have a great time together.
I'm sure you'll learn a lot about each other.
Ha, ha.
I'm outrageous.
[FARTS GENTLY.]
Uh-oh.
So should we wait for Freight Train and Auntie Momma? [CHUCKLES.]
I don't think we'll have to wait too long.
Let's just sit back and enjoy the sounds of a Freight Train wreck.
[CHUCKLES.]
That is cold, old man.
Letting your own pops fall blindly into a manhole.
What? How did you know? Man, I'm 5.
Sitting on laps is my job.
I know what's supposed to be there and what's not.
I can't say as I blame you for not telling him.
It will be pretty funny.
Can you imagine? "Oh, I can't wait to reach down and fiddle with something nice.
Oh, no.
What's this? This is a terrible turn of events.
I'm gonna go punch Cleveland.
" Uh-oh.
Oh, it'll be worth it.
Ha, ha.
[SINGS.]
Crying game What a fine-Iooking meal.
I am starving.
I just worked up a man-sized appetite.
I hope you all weren't waiting for me.
I was just upstairs laying down.
With your face in the pillow.
[GAGS.]
Cleveland, are you okay? He'd be okay if you didn't undercook the turkey.
Undercooked? This turkey looks perfect.
Mm.
Smack myself in the face with it.
You want me to get the bucket? Mm.
I'm gonna reach in there and get me some of that good stuffing.
Look at there.
Put my hand up in there.
My whole arm.
Mm.
Mm.
Now, that's a mouthful.
Look, I lost my damn watch.
I don't think it's in the turkey.
Gobble, gobble.
Ha, ha.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Hey, there's your car.
Oh, it's on.
Those homelesses are about to become toothlesses.
- They might already be toothlesses.
- I realized that as I was saying it.
Hey, it's Roberta and the Friedman boy.
Hey, come help us do Thanksgiving, missionary style.
It's nice to see young people doing the public service instead of the drugs.
Like I always say, "Helping others is the real crystal meth.
" Actually, we're not here to volunteer.
There's one of them fools who jacked my whip.
Oh, Filthy Nick? Filthy Nick, did you steal this kid's car? Did I steal your car? Or have you had your keys all along? - Damn.
- Pay it forward.
- You look lost, son.
- I do? I may not look like much to you, but I've peed a lot of pants in my day and I've learned a thing or two.
First, family is the most important thing you could ever have.
Second, if you try to wash your pants in the McDonald's bathroom they will call the cops.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[SNIFFS.]
Yo, Ro.
Smelly was right.
We should be with our families.
All right.
Filthy Nick, send us home.
I don't understand why you can do that, but we still have to live on spare change.
We're not supposed to profit from my powers.
All right, this is killing me.
What's up with you? I'm outrageous.
No.
This is outrageous.
[IN DEEP MALE VOICE.]
What do you want? First, I'll tell you what I don't want.
I don't want to hold onto this anymore.
You got me.
I'm a man.
You happy? But you can't tell Donna.
It would break her sweet little heart.
- But why would you? - Donna's parents weren't always around.
And I wanted to give her a strong female role model.
So when she was about 6, Uncle Kevin became Auntie Momma.
Thirty-six years and 19 wigs later, here we are.
But how did you and my dad, you know, without him noticing? Or did he notice? Let's just say when you've been doing this as long as I have you become an expert at hiding the candy.
Do you have, like, a little hammock for it? Is it rigged with fishing line? Or? Look, you got nothing to worry about with me and your dad.
Now that I know my Donna's in good hands, I'll be moving on.
You're a good man, Cleveland Brown.
And you're a man too, Kevin.
I'm outrageous.
Oh, Mama, I'm so sorry I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with Federline.
It was awful.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Just as Auntie Momma planned.
Auntie Momma, is there anything you can't do? I can't do it with the lights on.
- What? - We're glad to have you home, Roberta.
Happy Thanksgiving.
And now that my work is done, I better leave before I turn into a blumpkin.
You're leaving? Yeah.
Peabo Bryson is performing in Hampton.
And he likes me naked in his tour bus when he gets off-stage.
Wow, Auntie Momma.
You know singers from yesteryear.
Donna, it fills my heart to see you so happy.
Got room for me in that trunk of yours? Oh, Lavar, what we shared on that bathroom floor and on Cleveland's pillow was beautiful.
But Auntie Momma's not a one-man woman.
Or a one-town woman.
Yep.
Bye-bye.
All right, y'all.
I'm out of here.
In three, two, one.
[FARTS.]
I'm outrageous! That little lady just farted off with a piece of my heart.
I'm going after her.
Dummy, get me a skateboard and a burrito.
Before you go chasing her down, I gotta tell you something, Dad.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Said her real name's Kevin.
Been hiding the candy for 36 years.
You had sex with a man.
You have to promise not to say anything to Donna.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm gonna be playing this down in general.
Now, why don't you go in there and say something nice to my mom? She's had a hard day watching you play grab-ass with a trannie.
Hey, Cookie.
Hey, Freight Train.
Hair looks real.
Why, thank you.
Hey, look, Grandpa Freight Train.
Auntie Momma dropped your watch.
CLEVELAND: Put that down.