The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

1 The housekeeper comes at 9:00.
But where I'm from, you use a pan, you clean it.
I-I can't get stains out of this thing.
these stains have been there since the Reagan administration; I don't get it.
Honey, I'm heading to the tile place.
Okay.
What are you doing? Rosa's gonna be here in, like, two minutes.
I know, but this stupid pan.
He always does his own dishes, not just when you guys are here.
Happy birthday.
Oh.
Thanks, but now they know.
I didn't want anyone to know.
Oh, well, you're doing the sad birthday thing, must be an ordeal At this age honey, everything is an ordeal What are you gonna do? I'm letting this one go by.
- No! No.
- No, no, you Go have a drink with the guys.
- No.
- Come on.
I'm sorry that I can't This benefit, it's just She raises tons of money for For early childhood development in Los Angeles.
I mean, millions of dollars, and she Why don't you come? You can come.
That's not where I wanna be tonight.
I have three Shark Tanks on a DVR and a bag of white pistachios, I am It's a dream night for me.
I feel like your dreams have gotten a little small.
Well, yeah, like everything else.
Oh! All right.
Do good.
Okay, this I hate this pan worse than Hitler.
Conference room.
Conference room, guys.
Conference room, speed it up.
By speeding it up, I don't mean slower.
Go.
Oh, hey, thank you so much for doing that.
Uh, gracias para todo, um, uh, WD cuarenta también.
Hey, man.
You didn't wait for the "come in," but at least you knocked, so step by step, we'll get this.
Huh? Nothing.
What's up? Yeah, so they sent me over here to get you.
We have a production meeting.
Production meeting? We just had one an hour ago.
Yeah.
So, yes.
Uh, this is a second production meeting.
It's more important than the first one.
It's the goddamn cake, isn't it? - The what? Did you say "cake"? I don't even know what you're talking about.
Cake, you said? Oh, you're such a lousy liar.
I know.
I just I love birthdays.
Ooh, it's hot.
Do we know, are they Are they coming soon? Anybody? Whoo! Ahh! Ooh! Just act surprised when you walk in, okay? All right, let's get this over with, but, Josh - Yeah? - No song.
It's like getting a sizzling dish delivered to you in a Chinese restaurant Everybody stares at you and you're a little sweaty.
No song.
No, there was never gonna be a song.
You and I are on the same page.
Happy No! Stop, no! No song.
We're not doing that.
Oh, look at this.
This is really something.
Thank you.
This cake is responsible for global warming.
- Make a wish.
- All right.
My wish, is that you all get back to work.
No, don't say it out loud.
It won't come true if you say it out loud.
I was joking, Kristen.
I was just I was just joking.
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
Hey, Billy! Hey, Billy! Hey, wait up.
Hey.
What's up? Hey, bud, are you okay? Yeah.
Are you okay? Your hearts beating so fast, your shirt's moving.
I have a resp I have a I'm fat.
So, uh No, I'm all right.
It's just, uh It's one of those days, Josh.
I get like this sometimes on my birthday.
Yeah, I hear that.
I hear that.
I turned 33 last year, and it was like, Jesus.
Literally, Jesus died when he was my age, and you're, what, twice that? You should get a job at one of those suicide hotlines.
You have a very soothing way about you.
No! No, no, no, no.
I don't mean it like that.
I just meant, you know, you're I mean, you're gonna be around for a decent amount of time.
I'm gonna go.
Make sure you don't talk to anybody who looks sad.
You could put them right over the edge.
Where, uh, where are you off to right now? You know, actually, I don't even know.
I don't know.
The kids are out of town for the week, and Julie's got something all day and tonight.
And I just I don't know, man.
I just think I'll take a drive, I don't know.
You're just gonna drive around alone? Yeah.
Like a like a pervert? Why like a pervert? I mean, if you go by parks and stuff.
You can't be alone, dude.
This is It's your birthday.
Billy Crystal was born today.
I mean, not today, but a ton of years ago on this date.
I'm not gonna let you be alone.
That would be cruel.
We're going out.
We're gonna go celebrate.
Come on! I'm gonna make it lower, okay? It's too loud.
I'm sorry.
Sure.
You a little bit regretting asking me to come along with you? - A little bit.
- A little bit.
A little bit.
A little bit.
Oh, my God, I love Joe Pesci.
It was De Niro.
Doesn't make me love Joe Pesci any less.
Hey, you know what, get in your right lane.
You're gonna make a right turn.
I wanna show you something.
- Make a make a right turn.
- Where? Here? Josh, you're getting too close.
- Josh! - bleep you asshole! Yeah, suck on that little bitch Just up here right? You all right? - Yeah.
- I'll be fine.
Not you.
You almost killed everybody.
- Oh, sorry about that.
- Pull over here.
Do you know the significance of these steps? Is it because life is like stairs? Each year is a step, and when you get to the top, you look back down at your life and No.
No.
- No? - Come on.
Laurel & Hardy shot The Music Box on these stairs.
- No.
- Yeah.
What? The Music Box was shot here? - Yeah.
- You're kidding me.
You never heard of it, did you? I've heard of music boxes.
I've never heard of The Music Box.
It won the Academy Award for best short film, 1932.
Wow, did people used to care about that category back then, or was it like it is now? Okay, the two of them are delivering a crated piano, huge piano.
And they have to push it up, and they hardly say a word.
Uh-huh.
And every time they get to a different point in these stairs, somebody comes down and knocks the piano down.
It goes flying down the stairs and crashes onto the street.
So they have to start over and over and over again.
So finally, at the end of the movie, they get it to this house, which is way up there.
And there's a guy who walks by, and he goes, "You mugs brought this piano up those stairs? "You didn't have to do that.
There's a road over there.
You could just drive up in your truck and deliver it there.
" So you know what these two idiots do? They push the piano all the way down the stairs, back down to the street, load it back on the truck, and drive it up the driveway to deliver it to the house.
Right? They bring it back down? All the way down.
The only thing funnier than watching a slapstick comedy from the 1930s is having somebody describe it to you while you pretend to laugh because it's their birthday.
It is so hilarious.
It is so far ahead of its time.
That sounds so good.
Yeah.
I've gotta see this.
Haha! Do you wanna head back? No, no.
Come on.
I wanna Keep going? Sure.
I wanna finish this.
Sure, sure, sure.
Yeah.
All right, come on.
Hey, you're gonna love this place.
We used to come here all the time, baked out of our minds, and stare at Asian people.
Oh, check this out.
Come on, we should do this.
What is this? Psychics.
- Hello, how much to have his palm read? - Five.
I'll give you 4, and I'll pay for it myself.
5! All right, I'll give you 20, and that's it.
That's as far as I go.
You speak English? 5.
You're a really bad negotiator.
Yeah.
Okay, just make sure you don't look in my palm's past, or you'll be very disgusted.
See, he da-da-da a lot.
Oh, yeah, me too.
But I use two finger.
Okay.
She thumbs up.
What's that? Yeah, you gonna have a great success.
- Oh, see? - Make lots of money, huh? I like that.
See? This investment is paying off already.
That's great.
She gets it.
Good Auntie.
Auntie.
Yeah.
Oh.
Why Why are you scratching? What's wrong with that part of my palm? Oh, you you Your life is ruined.
Ruined? Why would it be ruined? Why are you so angry at my At my fingers? Many, many bad things because of a bad woman that you love.
Wait.
What? No, listen.
You listen.
She whore.
She whore.
Do you understand "bullshit"? This is a horrible - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- That's my aunt.
You don't talk that way in front of my Well, you Let me tell you something.
You don't take somebody's $5 and tell 'em they're gonna I'm not trying to be a racist, but you're acting You're a Jew.
You're a Jew.
You been acting What? You're being very racist.
I'm not racist.
No.
Everybody calm down.
Everybody calm down.
Everybody fine.
Everybody fine.
I sorry.
Take this.
I'm gonna take my lollipop.
Take a candy.
Take another one, fatty.
- Fatty, take another one.
- What? Excuse me.
[bleep.]
.
I know it's all bullshit, but I really would pay good money to know, you know To know what happens, how everything turns out.
Nah, you shouldn't know.
You should relish not knowing.
That's one of the great things about being your age.
See, I think one of the great things about being my age is having an erection without any help.
The boners are good, yes.
Mm-hmm.
Boners are Boners are actually still good.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, God bless you.
Yeah, I'm lucky.
Oh, man, to be Billy Crystal.
You know, when I was in high school, my senior year, they started sending me to the guidance counselor, you know, to she was gonna present options to me about the future, about, you know, college and jobs and all of that stuff.
And she she'd show me this university, that university, this job, that, and she actually said to me once, "Well, you know, you play clarinet.
You could play clarinet in the Army Band.
" Right? This is 1965.
But somehow I kinda knew where I wanted to end up, but I just didn't know how I was gonna get there.
The mystery is a great thing, Josh.
I'm I-I miss the mystery.
I mean, you know, I am who I am, but I don't know what my options back then were.
You know, I could have been somebody totally different.
Like this woman.
You could have been an Asian woman? No, no.
She's an artist.
Look at what she's doing.
I mean, it's amazing.
She's she's doing this beautifully in this little Tiny, little place in Little Tokyo in LA.
You know, you You work your whole life, and you think, "I'm really good at this," you know? But how do you How do you really know, you know, what what I don't know.
You are spiraling right now, buddy.
Oh, no, I'm not spiraling.
Yeah, you're having an existential crisis about a woman in a bakery making God knows what.
What's going on? What's happening to you? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm all right, just I turned 67 years old today.
And, um, I've been an orphan a long time.
It's just Just the way it is.
That's how it is and, heh, when I was a kid, when it was my birthday My folks would be on either side and They'd bring the cake out with the candle, and I'd make a wish.
Same wish every time I wish we could live forever.
And then I'd blow it out, and I'd cut it.
I'd stick my finger in the frosting, and I'd put it on my nose and on my dad's nose and my mom's nose, and we'd smile for the picture.
Every year.
You know? I miss that, you know? I mean, my life is amazing.
Don't get me wrong.
My life's amazing.
Julie, my girls, grandkids, my work.
I mean, you know, it's been great, but I-I need I need that.
Today I need that.
I, uh You don't have to say anything.
It's all right.
Josh, it's okay.
It's okay.
The skies are not cloudy all day They're all Pink Floyd songs.
The Japanese must love Pink Floyd.
Well, their national anthem is Comfortably Numb.
No, that's North Korea.
Mm-hmm.
South Korea is Wish You Were Here.
Actually, North Korea, that would be The Wall.
Yeah.
Seldom is heard A discouraging word So, uh you remember when we first met and I told you that I didn't have a dad? That my mom just found a cup of sperm somewhere on the street and How could I forget? The image of the woman version of you walking down the street and finding a cup of, uh Cum.
You know, sometimes it's good to respect the trail-off.
Anyway, I kind of have these memories of him, those little kid dream memories.
Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, big-time.
I have that A vivid memory of my first day of kindergarten, but all the kids' faces are blurry.
Mm-hmm.
It's like they didn't sign the release to be in the memory.
Mm-hmm.
You know, so they're there, but not.
I know.
It's weird.
- It's weird.
- When's the last time you saw them? It may have been at a performance of The Book of Mormon May have been? Well, I go out onto the stage.
Curtain comes up.
And I think I see my dad there.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
At the same time that I'm scared out of my mind, I'm also weirdly trying to do the best performance I've ever given to please this man I barely know.
And? And he left in the second act.
I can't live - No, this is me.
- You take it.
The love was gone Everything is nothing If you got no one And you keep walking the night Slowly losing sight of the real thing Mr.
Joe Cocker, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah That won't happen to us and we got no doubt Too deep in love and we got no way out And the message is clear This could be the year - For the real thing - For the real thang The thang.
- Oh, sail away with me - Take it.
I'm Dolly Parton, and my titties are for real - Oh, not not - Yeah! Islands in the stream That is what we are Give me a little Sammy.
No one in between No one in between How can we be wrong? Sail away with me Sail away To another world A world And we rely on each other Ah ha That was actually fun.
Why do you sound so surprised? Don't sound that surprised.
Because I am, I'm that surprised.
Oh, my phone is dead.
What time is it? Oh, suck on my raw dick.
Are you kidding me? How can it be this late? - Shit! - Who are you? I gotta get home.
I told my buddy that I would go to see his stand-up act in.
It's a place called Comedy Living Room.
It's literally his house, a bunch of people sitting on the floor.
It's alternative.
Alternative to comfort? You know what What? You gotta go with me.
Oh, no.
Billy Crystal shows up, I will get laid in 2.
5 seconds.
- You're coming with me tonight.
Yes.
- No, no, no.
- Whoa, whoa.
and I'm gonna go home - You go there.
It will blow people's mind Yes.
you wanna see a bunch of 20-somethings' brains explode? No.
Please.
Please, Daddy.
Oh, that's creepy.
Daddy, I need this.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You were never there for me.
This is sick.
You were never there for me, and now I'm asking for this one thing.
This is sick.
You are so weird that I can't say no.
Dada, please.
I can't say no to All right, we'll go.
- Dada.
- We'll go.
We'll go, but just for a few minutes, okay? Awesome.
Best dad ever.
I feel like I'm doing a predator show.
I had a friend that was a guest on that.
Well, not a guest, he was caught.
For you.
Hey, guys, how are you? Hey, buddy, what's up? Billy Crystal.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
I know who you are.
Right.
There you go.
In the flesh.
I've seen, like, all your movies, Mr.
Crystal.
No "Mister," please.
Because "Mister" is too formal So Billy Mister is fine.
Oh, it's amazing that you're here.
I'm sorry.
Can I offer you a drink? We've got, like, coke and JD.
We got I just wanna watch two comics.
Then I wanna go.
Thank you very much.
I'll take a beer.
Yeah, man, it's in the fridge.
You used to do stand-up, right? Used to? Yeah, no, I still do.
[bleep.]
, shit, no.
I can't believe it.
I'm so sorry.
Stop it.
Just breathe.
No, sorry.
I just, um You know, 'cause you've done so many movies and stuff.
Anyway, what I was getting at was, like, do you Do you have any interest in maybe doing, like, a quick set? Oh, no.
In fact, you can go as long as you want.
You can go all night.
Oh, no, no, no.
It wouldn't be fair to the other comics.
Are you kidding me? We would remember it for the rest of our lives.
I really don't do this.
Show them what 2 /3 of a century can do.
Well, we have a, um, kind of kind of a special guest.
You might recognize him from being a comedy legend.
Such small projects as When Harry Met Sally, Forget Paris, and The Princess [bleep.]
Bride.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you Oscar winner has he He's won an Oscar.
No.
No.
No, hosted a lot.
Host.
Host of the Oscars, guys Billy Crystal! So awesome.
Great to see you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey.
How are you? Good.
Well, this is, uh, really interesting.
Please, sit down.
You know, this is really cool, 'cause I started performing in my living room for my parents.
So look how far I've come.
I wanna thank Casey who, if you speak any faster, you'll go back in time.
And amazingly high, I think, he's also at the moment.
They told me glaucoma.
It's glaucoma.
But it's interesting being here to see you, you know, sitting down.
It's pretty See, when I was your age, this would be called a sit-in, you know.
And we'd be protesting, you know, Vietnam or something.
That was that was the big one when I was your age.
And now, I guess you're protesting lumbar support or something like that - Ha ha ha ha - Yeah, um Why did I mention Vietnam? That's You probably don't Do you remember that war? That's the one that Forrest Gump fought in, you know.
That's an amazing movie.
There's one moment of that movie that always makes me laugh when Tom was incredible And it goes, Is he smart? You know what he's worried about? His son.
So, yeah.
Worst birthday ever.
I thought it went pretty Oh.
Super nonstick, baby.
I love it when you talk cookware to me.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
It was a rough night.
My phone died, along with most of my will to live.
Did you not go to the fund-raiser? I left early.
Come on, you really think I'm gonna leave you alone on your birthday? Mm.
- This is nice.
- Come on, Josh.
Maybe we'll have our own stairs one day.
Yeah.
Man, that's a lot of comedy.
A lot of steps to do all that.
Yeah.
They did it with a piano.
I'm doing it with uh, a 250-pound grand piano called a body.
Whew, you're fit for your age.
Yeah.
I need to go see a nutritionist.
I'm gonna let you take it in, 'cause you should have your moment.
And I'll be here.
It's so beautiful.
Are you still walking?