The Comedy Get Down (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

1 So, guys, I got you a Sky Suite at the ARIA.
And White Terry, you're at the Circus Circus.
- Yes! - Wait a minute.
All of us are staying in one suite? Oh, yeah, don't worry.
It's huge.
It's where Morgan Freeman and De Niro stayed in "Last Vegas".
I like that.
Out of all the old guys get together and do stuff movies, that's one of my favorite ones right there.
- I enjoyed that one.
- I teared up a little bit when Billy and Paddy make up at the end.
Spoiler alert, mother [BLEEP.]
.
Why don't y'all just stay at my new crib when we get out to Vegas? It would be a honor to have you gentlemen stay at my humble abode.
You named your house My Humble Abode? Yeah.
Hey, Ed, look.
For real, though, man? I don't just want to be at the hotel You know, kicking back by the pool, getting spa treatments.
You know, just chill, bro.
I said you could chill at my house, man.
No, I insist.
Nina, call over to ARIA, cancel the suite.
I can't, actually.
It's too late to cancel.
We've already paid for it.
Tell you what.
Why don't you stay there, baby? Well, I I mean, I don't wanna If it solves a problem, yeah.
- EDDIE: There it is.
- That's what I'm talking about.
All y'all gonna stay at my house.
White Terry, you can come too.
I got some yardwork for you to do.
Look here, let me call the housekeeper to get five rooms ready.
Man, I don't understand.
Look, I don't want to go over there, man.
I want to just chill and stay at the hotel.
GEORGE: I know, man.
Eddie, he's got this bit parrot, like a macaw, that wears a gold chain that says "BGGP God's Parrot," with, like, cracker on the back of its beak, with a grill, like a gold grill.
There's a Jacuzzi in my room.
[THEME MUSIC.]
Sync and Corrections by: kDragon GEORGE: All I can say is wow, Eddie.
DL: Impressive.
EDDIE: Thank you.
It's 30 years of comedy, man.
- Nice, man.
- Wow.
- Glad you like it.
- Anybody like sushi? - Nah, I'm not really into it.
- I wasn't talking to you.
I'll have my sushi chef, Masa, make you lunch, whatever you like.
You know damn well I ain't callin' nobody "Massa".
Look, if you want you feet massaged, I got two reflexologists on your beck and call.
- Beck and call? - Beck and call.
I would've been happy with just beck.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, my kids are runnin' around here.
Ced, they're really gonna love your dad jokes.
CEDRIC: Nice.
Any chance we could play some golf? You know what? Let me make a call and see what I can do.
Cool.
Hey, man, this is nice.
Who knew Eddie had taste? I mean, for real, man.
I am relaxed already.
CHARLIE: Much better than if we'd stayed up on the Strip, fans all up in your face.
Well, they got a tee time available at noon, but they only got room for two.
You know what? I get to play golf all the time.
I'm cool.
I'mma just kick back here at Club Eddie.
DL, you want to play some golf? You know what? It's so relaxing.
I think I'm just gonna kick it here, man.
Yeah, I'mma have Ming hook you up with the massage of your life.
Ming? A massage? I ain't had a massage from a Ming since the police busted the joint.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Okay, you know what, George? I'll play some golf with you, brah.
I didn't know you played Golf, Charlie.
I've played golf.
I like playing golf, as long as it's free golf.
See, free? It's free golf, right? Be my guest, Charlie.
Okay, great.
Come on, George.
Let's go have some fun playing some free golf, - you know what I'm saying? - Cool, let's go.
- Hey, yo, White Terry? - Yup? CHARLIE: You come with us.
You can carry the golf clubs.
- Be the golf slave.
- I prefer caddie.
- GEORGE: Golf slave.
- Yeah, that works too.
This is gonna be fun, man.
Woo! Hey, man, you sure you don't want to get some golf clothes? You look a little Look a little formal, man.
I look fine, bro.
Golf clothes would make me look like a lawn jockey, all right? What do they make Latinos look like? Like you're selling cellphones at a discount.
Come on, man.
All right, listen.
I wish the guys would've been able to play 'cause here's the thing about golf If it's four dudes that you know, everything's cool.
But if it's just two, and they put you with two people, sometimes they're star effers.
They want you to sign shit.
That's what it's gonna be all day, bro.
Take a selfie with me.
You can talk to my mom on the phone.
Could you sign my penis? Wait a minute.
Somebody asked you to sign their penis? - All the time.
- What? You know what we should do? We should use fake names to avoid that.
I'll be Alejandro St.
Pierre.
That's a good name.
You just made that up right now? - Yeah, just like that.
- That's cool.
- Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm I know who you are.
You're George Lopez and Charlie Murphy.
He wrote "Norbit"? I heard he's working on "Norbit 2" because they left a lot of unresolved questions in "1".
Yeah, is the rest of our group here? Uh, they're waiting at the first tee.
CHARLIE: Hey, I wouldn't mind star effing them.
I'm ask them if they wanna sign my penis.
Ladies? Hey, ladies.
How are you doing? Hey, so we are your golf mates today.
Hi, golf mates.
I'm Suzanne.
This is Sheila.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- This is, uh, Alejandro - Charlie Murphy.
- And this is George Lopez.
- So cool to meet you guys.
- Thanks a lot.
- Appreciate it.
So, should we tee off? Uh, yeah.
Ladies first.
[SIGHS.]
- Okay.
- Good luck.
GEORGE: Woo! Oh, come on.
Oh, no, don't make that face.
You're you're still beautiful! Aww.
What do you guys do for a living? Man, that 12-year-old Cedric.
If you would've told him that one day I would be sitting up eating raw scallops and sea urchins and loving it, - I'd be like, man, you're crazy.
- Yes, indeed.
I betcha when you was little Cedric the Entertainer, you probably had pork rinds and some Fritos.
[CHUCKLING.]
I wasn't the Entertainer then, though.
At 12 years old, I bet you was Cedric the Masturbator.
[CHUCKLING.]
Hey, Eddie, seriously, man, thank you so much for your hospitality, my dude.
Much appreciated.
- Absolutely.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Man, I'm gonna have to say something to you, man.
I mean, to be honest with you, I thought it was gonna be weird staying with you.
Weird? Why? Why? You're an eccentric mother [BLEEP.]
, Eddie man.
But, uh, turns out, man, this is fantastic, bro.
My brothers, most people confuse being enlightened with being eccentric.
You know, they call you a little off 'cause it makes 'em feel better about it.
Yeah, well, whatever it is, I gotta say, I'm cool with it, because, uh, this is all right, man.
Well, now, I'm glad you brothers are here.
Ming, would you take care of Mr.
Hughley right here? The special? Oh, well, let's go, Ming.
[LAUGHS.]
He's in for quite a treat.
She's very thorough.
Oh ho, well, I'll wait my turn, then, you know? - Aw, shit! - What's going on, man? My bonsai's sick.
Think he got chlorosis.
Chlorosis? What it's been doing, screwing around without a rubber? - Maybe it need a penicillin shot.
- That shit ain't funny, man.
I'm take him down to the bonsai clinic and make sure he all right.
You gonna be cool right here? - Yeah, man.
- I'm straight.
All right, make yourself at home.
Be back soon as I can.
Yeah.
Like I said, eccentric.
Masa, could make some more of those, uh With the crispy rice and the spicy tuna on them? And maybe a little of that spicy mayo sauce, you know what I'm saying? Have you seen my dad? Uh, I believe he just stepped out.
- What's your name? - Malik.
- Malik, I'm Cedric.
- Uh, do you want me to call him? He was supposed to help me with my report.
- Oh, I can help you.
- Nah, it's okay.
You sure? You know what? No.
You know what? I insist.
Let me see what you got there.
Come on, man.
Have a seat, Malik.
All right, let's see what we got here.
"Black History, by Malik Griffin".
Well, that is a that's a great start right there.
Off the top, you are on fire, young man.
I like it.
So, okay.
Um, hm.
You got a couple of your facts wrong, man.
See, James Earl Ray killed Martin Luther King, not a CIA assassin.
And, uh, woo, this is George Washington Carver was not coerced by the US government to create a peanut allergy to keep black kids down.
Where where are you getting this stuff right here? And this is completely wrong right here.
The first African American to play baseball in the majors was not Babe Ruth.
It was Jackie Robinson.
You sure? Oh, yeah.
Definitely sure about that.
What I want you to do is go online, get your facts together, and then do your report.
This is gonna be great, man, okay? Good job, man.
Good job.
Oh, yeah, and Babe Ruth also had a great candy bar You might want to look that up With, uh, chocolate, and peanut, and nougat.
Look up "nougat" while you're looking up stuff.
That would be a great roll, Masa.
If I got some chocolate and some peanuts, you think we can do a Babe Ruth roll? It'd be good.
It'd be delicious, right? Everybody can just dip it Dip it in some stuff, like What would you dip that What would you dip that in? - It's my turn.
- Let's see.
- About to hit this one good.
- You're gonna do it this time.
[BURPS.]
Yeah, you know, I'm a comedian.
I have a show on television called "Lopez".
Sorry.
- On TV Land.
- Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
- I'm taking a mulligan.
- You've had five mulligans.
CHARLIE: You guys ever heard of "Chappelle's Show"? - Mm-mm.
- "Chappelle's Show"? Wow.
GEORGE: You must not watch a lot of TV.
- No, we watch a ton of TV.
- We're big stars on there.
- Oh, okay.
- We believe you.
Hit it down the middle, Jerry.
It's Charlie.
Charlie Murphy.
Oh.
Charlie Murphy! GEORGE: Maybe you'd recognize me from some of my work in films.
Uh, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua"? Smurfs? [SOOTHING MUSIC.]
- Psst! - Hey! [WHISPERING.]
You're in trouble.
What? That was creepy.
I'm talking about like horror movie creepy.
EDDIE: Brother! Whatcha doin'? Come on over here.
Ooh, I swear, between you and your son, man, you have some scary little mother [BLEEP.]
[UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
.
But I ate too much of the sushi, because the sushi dude, he seemed like he got tired at the end, and they weren't quite rolled.
Sit down, my brother.
What up, man? I'm not upset about you eating too much damn sushi.
I don't appreciate you putting poison in my son's head.
Poison? You go behind my back and undo everything I taught him.
Babe Ruth momma was a former slave.
That is a fact, Cedric.
Really? How do you think his nose got that wide? Hm.
This really ain't about Babe Ruth.
This is about the systematic destruction of young black youth.
They're hunting us.
Man, this is gonna be much longer You know, every day, a black man is blown to smithereens by the po-po.
- That ain't nothin' new.
- Yeah, it's it's terrible.
It is time for you to learn black history.
Now? Well, you know, I was I'm actually next with Ming, the masseuse.
She was supposed to You know, Ming is gonna 400 years ago today, a brother walked off a ship proud.
His name was Shaka Zulu.
They whipped the [BLEEP.]
once.
He gave up quickly.
His name is now Steve Lakinski.
Woo! Sorry about that.
Front line, ladies.
I need a cold beer to cool off.
Hey, White Terry, where's all the beer at? Uh those went down quick.
I'll get more.
[HONKS HORN.]
Whoa! GEORGE: Hey! You almost hit the Drunk ass.
CHARLIE: Hey, George, you're just in time.
I just was telling Sheila and Suzanne how they should come to our show tonight.
Aw, definitely, definitely.
That way, you get to see how many fans we actually have.
That's okay.
Comedy's not really our thing.
Oh, all right.
I get it.
Well, let's make it interesting, then.
How about on the back 9, if we beat you, you ladies come to the show.
And afterwards, uh, come out to dinner with the two of us.
Okay.
What if we beat you? [LAUGHS.]
All right, that's cool.
A little bit crazy, but that's all right.
Uh, that's not gonna happen.
We have to have some incentive.
All right, you want some incentive? Okay, I'll give you some incentive.
All right, you beat us, we'll give you $1,000 each in cash.
SHEILA: [LAUGHS.]
Please, my purse costs $1,000.
All right.
How about $5,000 each? Eddie, man, you making a $5,000 bet? I ain't got that kind of money, bro.
I ain't George Lopez, man.
Okay, I got it.
Charlie, they're horrible, man.
There's no way we can lose, bro.
I got it, trust me.
Trust me.
- Ha ha, okay? - Okay, deal.
- Sheila, you're up.
- Yeah, Sheila, you're up.
No pressure.
Ha ha! Woo! Ugh.
I can already see you in that beautiful dress.
[CHUCKLING.]
- GEORGE: Oh! - SHEILA: Oh oh! Shit! - Nice shot! - Thanks, babe.
And why do you think heroin became a epidemic in the United Sates? Ed, Ed, come on, man.
We're staying here because staying with you was supposed to be relaxing.
Believe it or not, talking about the heroin epidemic is not relaxing.
This is the man that introduced heroin as a means of exterminating black people.
Ed, like I said, heroin, presidents, Thomas Edison, this is all just not cool conversation, man.
Can we talk about something else? Fine, Cedric.
We can talk about something else.
Perfect.
Thank you, man.
That's good.
The Tuskegee syphilis experiment went on for 40 years.
GEORGE: Okay, man.
Listen, Charlie, if you make this, bro, we're tied, okay? - We're tied! - That's great.
But I ain't gonna make this putt.
What kind of attitude is that to have? Come on, you can do it.
It's the attitude of somebody who don't want to lose $5,000 'cause somebody else made a bad bet, bro.
Come on, man, I told you I like golf, man, but free golf.
I miss this shot, it's 5 grand, brah.
No, no, here.
If you make it, we tie, man.
You don't owe anything, all right? Okay? Tie, zero, even.
Focus now.
Forget don't worry about 5 thou.
- Focus! - [DRUNKENLY.]
Yeah, focus! Anytime, Jerry! - GEORGE: Shh! - All right.
It's Charlie! Get that club straight, okay? Get that club straight.
It's gonna go a little bit right.
It's gonna turn left.
It's gonna pick up speed, all right? Good position.
Can I get behind you and line you up right now? - Watch out.
- Hey, yo, hold up, hold up.
Don't be touching me like that, bro.
- Don't get behind me, man.
- What? You know better than that.
As a matter of fact, here's your putt right here, bro.
Aw, shit, Charlie.
Aw, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit, Charlie! Ah, ha, ha! Oh, shit! Here it goes, Charlie, look! It's turning.
Do you see it turning? [CHEERING.]
Let me get you a little bit.
[CHEERING.]
CHARLIE: Yeah.
All right! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! - [GRUNTS.]
GEORGE: We don't owe anything! Betcha y'all know who Charlie Murphy is now, don't you? Let's see what your fans think about this video.
What? You wanna see? - Hey, lady.
- You're not gonna post anything.
- Hey! - Get back here with that! We're gonna live forever! EDDIE: Eldris Cleveland never got rubbed down by soft Asian hands.
CEDRIC: Excuse me.
Hello? Hey, Ced, it's Nina.
I was calling to check in, see how you guys are doing.
We wanna come back to the hotel.
Oh, what? You know what? I can't hear I'm going through a tunnel.
I call reception [SOOTHING MUSIC.]
Nina? Nina? What the damn it! No, we don't wanna go back to the hotel.
This place is the best! What is wrong with you? For you, maybe.
You've been getting rubbed down by Ming in places I don't even wanna discuss.
Meanwhile, I've been getting the "Lean On Me" treatment from Eddie over here.
And trust me, he's no Morgan Freeman.
He's not.
- Hey! - Hey, fellas, how was golf? [GROANS.]
- Golf was free.
- Golf was stressful.
Yeah, same here, man.
- Eddie, you got any beer? - Get away from the throne! Don't touch it! [KNOCKING.]
- Oh! - What the hell? - Oh, hey.
- What's going on? [POLICE RADIO.]
Remember, George, my name is Alejandro St.
Pierre.
Cool, Alejandro.
You know, I own the house.
I can get you the documentation if you promise not to shoot a brother in the back.
No, Sir, there's no need for that.
We're here 'cause we got a call about a stolen cellphone.
Stolen cellphone? I did not steal it.
Those two ladies took unauthorized video of my friends, so I absconded with it.
Okay, well, we're gonna need to get that back.
Over my dead white wiener.
[LAUGHS.]
Excuse me? [BLEEP.]
that noise and [BLEEP.]
the police! - Ow! Uh oh! - What are you doing? - Oh, Jesus.
- Oh my goodness.
You put it down hard, man.
Damn.
That takes about 5 minutes to recover from.
But I gotta say, I'm just a huge fan ever since Kings of Comedy.
DL, good to meet you.
George Lopez.
Hey, Charlie Murphy! EG! Hey, sorry for the inconvenience, guys.
Take care.
Have a good one.
- All right.
- You're welcome anytime.
Y'all need to train the rest of the police around the nation.
CEDRIC: This is progress, brother.
Those white cops tased White Terry without any thought at all.
And he got "white" in his name.
They tased him.
But if he was black, they'd shot his ass.
And he's just laying on my damn floor, drooling all over my carpet.
See, that's why we need lesson number two, right this way.
George, Charlie, y'all might want to sit in on this one.
- You got videos, Ed? - I've got videos.
I tell you, I've got a whole presentation for you, George.
This is one is about my little nephew, Onion.
He's doing two years in Rikers Island for stealing a Snickers! Damn, I wish I would've got tased.