The Cool Kids (2018) s01e07 Episode Script
Thanksgiving at Murray's
1 [PLAYING FANFARE ON KAZOO.]
You are cordially invited to Dudley's Thanksgiving.
It's a hot ticket.
Very exclusive.
Please come.
Get out of here, Dudley.
We already have plans.
Well, let me know if anything changes.
[PLAYS FANFARE.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Well what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving? Well, I think the question you should be asking is: what are we doing for Thanksgiving? Yes, Margaret, since tomorrow is your very first Thanksgiving here at Shady Meadows, I would like to issue a formal invitation for you to have dinner with us at the renowned Tucson hot spot Chez Sid! Margaret, you're really gonna enjoy it.
Sid makes all the classics.
Yam casserole.
Green bean casserole.
Stuffing casserole.
And of course, his fabled casserole casserole.
Oh, well, thank you for the invitation, you guys.
As delicious as a four-casserole Thanksgiving sounds Uh-bup-bup, there's 12 casseroles, Margaret.
We were just giving you the highlights.
[LAUGHING.]
: Yeah.
We didn't want to blow your mind.
Well, I appreciate that.
But I-I actually already have plans.
With who? Dudley's the only other game in town, and that is too dark to even think about.
Well, he's not the only other game in town.
Well, who else? Oh, wait a minute, not Murray and the food snobs! Well, now, I've already dry-brined and spatchcocked the turkey, which will, of course, be divine.
Francine, love your ciabatta and sausage stuffing.
But, uh, go easy on the sage this year.
This isn't a Wiccan festival.
FRANCINE: Note taken, Murray.
And I apologize if I've let you down in the past.
And, Norman, if you bring another of your oak-y Chardonnays, you'll be banished to the cafeteria along with the rest of these mouth-breathers.
You know, I actually prefer breathing through my mouth.
It's so much easier.
It's just [TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Yeah.
That's so nice.
And how'd you score an invite, anyway? They hate everyone.
Even me.
Can you wrap your head around that? Murray just came up to me and invited me, and I, I don't mind, he's kind of cute.
And that British accent.
Cheerio.
Well, all that food sounds wack.
I didn't hear the word "casserole" in there once.
Margaret, let me explain something to you.
We forbid you from going over there for Thanksgiving! You know, Thanksgiving is a time to be with the people you care about.
That's why we all told our kids that we have the flu.
- So we could hang out here and party.
- SID: Mm-hmm.
Exactly.
Nothing should come between us on Thanksgiving Day.
Murray gave me a plus-one.
- Me! Me, me, me! - Oh, no.
Margaret! - [SHOUTING.]
- Me, me, me, me, me - Me, me, me, me, me - Margaret! Margaret.
Okay, I, uh, think the choice is obvious.
You can't spell Thanksgiving without "Hank.
" That's me.
I'm Hank, so Oh.
I was gonna pitch myself, but that was so convincing.
I think you should take Hank.
Margaret! Please, please pick me.
This little kitty wants a fancy feast.
Sid.
You're preparing your own Thanksgiving.
You can't go to somebody else's.
Watch me.
Margaret, please pick me.
You know that I am the classiest of the three.
Well the bar is a little low.
But yeah, I-I pick Sid.
[LAUGHS.]
: Hurray! Hurray! I told you I was the classiest.
[BLOWING RASPBERRIES.]
But what are we supposed to do now? You're preparing - our Thanksgiving! - CHARLIE: Yeah.
Well, you can cook it.
Everything's in my apartment.
Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
Come on, girl, we are moving on up.
[PLAYING FANFARE ON KAZOO.]
Plans fall through? That's my target audience.
I got more.
Ooh I'm so excited.
And hungry.
I didn't eat all day in anticipation.
Same.
I even did an hour on the elliptical just to work up an appetite.
All right, a half hour.
Fine.
I went in the sauna.
There it is.
Okay, Sid, I'm kind of interested in Murray, so try to make me look good in there.
But they are so ritzy.
Growing up in small-town Texas, we didn't do fancy holidays.
One Christmas, we ate a squirrel family that was nesting in the attic.
Okay, that is horrifying.
Gee, Sid, I would've thought that your palate would be a little more refined.
Because I'm gay, Margaret? Wow.
Well, I didn't mean - just because you're - Oh what an ugly moment.
Margaret, gay people can be trash, too, you know.
Okay, fine.
From now on I will recognize that you are trash.
Well, thank you.
In the meantime, will you try to fit in here? We're gonna have the best meal of our lives.
Hi, y'all! I brought a bottle of wine for our dashing host.
It's from France.
Ooh.
Did you hear that, everyone? France.
Oh, please.
Meet my roommate, Woof-Gang Puck.
Evergreen, Murray.
I love it more every time I hear it.
Well, I wouldn't mind woof-ing down - some of these appetizers.
- Bup-bup-bup-bup, my appetizer-sized friend.
All in due time.
Around here, we like to tantalize the mind as well as the palate.
What? - Whew, that was exhausting.
- CHARLIE: Oh, yes, sir.
I'd feel a lot better about it if we'd made something edible.
Yeah, well, I think the problem here is neither one of us knows how to cook.
- Amen, brother.
- Hey.
[GRUNTS.]
But, you know, Margaret and Sid are coming right back.
- They are? - Oh, yeah.
As soon as they walk into Murray's, realize they're wrong, they're gonna come rushing back, begging to cook us the Thanksgiving meal of our dreams.
Well, that is good, because it would be a very sad Thanksgiving if it was just the two of us in Sid's apartment with no food.
[CHUCKLES.]
[QUIETLY.]
: Yes, indeed.
But no, they're coming back now.
They're coming right back through that door.
So they're coming back right now! Right now! It's not working, Hank.
No, they're coming back.
They're coming back.
- Yeah, say this with me.
- Okay.
Five, four, three, two, one.
BOTH: Now! Now! Now! Every year before dinner, we play trivia.
Get a question right, earn an appetizer.
[LAUGHS.]
: Oh.
I love learning when I'm hungry.
You love trivia, right, Sid? Oh, 'deed I do.
'Deed I do.
'Deed I don't.
Margaret, I don't know anything.
Well, just roll with it, because these appetizers smell freakin' amazing.
MURRAY: First question! Francine.
What varietals make up a Bordeaux blend? Getting a little "Bordeaux" myself.
Starting with a softball, eh, Murray? Very well.
The answer is: Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot and Cabernet Franc.
Correct! [CHUCKLES.]
This deviled quail's egg is yours.
Mm.
Mm.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Oh.
Mmm! Mmm! [PANTING.]
: Oh, my God.
Oh! [PANTS.]
Oh, God, I love trivia.
That really made me upset.
There's a weird energy in here, right? Big-time.
But I am definitely staying until I get one of those eggs.
[WEAKLY.]
: Now.
Now.
You know, Hank, I'm starting to think - they're not coming back.
- Well, damn it, Charlie, the four of us are supposed to be a team.
- I know.
- Now we got no place to eat Thanksgiving dinner.
Well Ah! The natives have arrived on Dudley Rock.
I bid thee welcome.
[CHARLIE GROANS.]
All right, you guys are up.
Mm, perhaps one of you will finally get a question right.
God, I hope so.
I'm getting lightheaded.
Do you think we could get an appetizer on loan? [CHUCKLES.]
Nope.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Name three hard Italian cow's milk cheeses.
Ooh, I love cheese.
I got this one.
Remember, this is your last chance to get an appetizer.
Italian cheese, Sid.
Say something Italian.
Ah-cheese-ah! Ah-cheese-ah is not correct.
Game over.
You guys are all eating appetizers; we're starving.
Couldn't we just eat some? But, you didn't get any questions right.
Don't worry, dinner's just around the corner.
And it's gonna be incredible.
[SIGHING.]
: All right, Sid.
As it turns out, Murray kind of blows, but we've come too far not to get that dinner.
So-so what? Are you just gonna waste those appetizers? Hmm? Oh, don't worry.
They'll be going to Woof-Gang Puck.
Uh, just the rules of the game.
But he didn't get one question right.
Name one.
One Italian cheese.
Name one if you're such a smart little bitch! He's more of a cat person.
Where's the food, man? Well, the turkey just went into the oven.
So, our food should be ready in a brisk four hours.
Is that when everyone else is gonna show up? Uh-huh.
All right, man, whatever.
Let's watch some football until it's ready.
And where the hell is your couch? It's being reupholstered, but, luckily, I have these backless stools.
Are you kidding me? Damn, Dudley.
[CHUCKLES.]
Backless stools? What is this, Venezuela? Are we ready for the big game? Well, at least we get football, Hank.
[GRUNTS.]
What? Radio? That's right.
I don't own a TV.
I prefer to listen to the game and imagine the players.
Well, you know what else you're gonna be imagining? - Us being here, 'cause we're leaving.
- Oh.
I don't care if Murray didn't invite us, we're going.
Oh, wait, guys.
At least stay for a beer.
What kind of beer? Root.
I know what you're doing here.
Do you? Because I'm beginning to wonder.
You like Murray.
And you're wasting your time.
Murray isn't interested in women.
- Mm.
- Or men.
He only has eyes for food.
You're mine.
What is in these appetizers? [LAUGHING.]
So walk me through your typical Thanksgiving menu one more time so I can get it exactly right.
Well, basically, if it's in a can, it goes in a casserole.
That is incredible.
Murray, they dine on casseroles.
Oh, I love 'em.
You can put just about anything in 'em.
But you cannot skip the glue that holds it all together: the American cheese.
- [GROANS.]
- Oh, my God.
I'd rather eat a bullet than American cheese.
Oh, we all would, Francine.
We all would.
But don't worry.
- Tonight we dine in style.
- Mmm.
- Spanakopita.
- Oh.
- Lamb shanks that cascade off the bone.
- Yes.
- Bacon-filled dates flown in from Jerusalem.
- Mmm.
Okay, this all sounds really amazing, but if this stuff is cooking, why don't I smell it? Oh, I couldn't cook all that here.
Didn't you hear the man? There's spanakopita We got it, Francine! [STAMMERS.]
A feast of this size and scale could only be prepared in a commercial kitchen.
Uh, luckily, with Shady Meadows closed for the holidays, the dining hall was just the place.
Okay, so when do I eat? Soon.
Oh, very soon.
- In fact, uh, we should go check on our dishes.
- Ah.
Why don't we go down now, and you two, uh, well, stay here and set the table.
Hmm? Uh, maybe, uh, clean up a bit.
The room.
And yourselves.
Okay, this is super weird, right? What is going on here? I'll tell you what's going on.
You are not doing your share of the chores.
They've been gone for over an hour.
I am ravenous.
Who locks their refrigerator? Full disclosure.
I ate a pinch of fish food a minute ago.
Fuller disclosure.
I almost ate the fish.
Screw you, Murray, I'm staying! Well, where's Murray? What are you guys doing here? We had no other place to go.
Y'all bailed on us.
And we wound up at Dudley's.
- Dudley's! - Yeah.
Where the hell is everybody? Yeah, and where's the food? [SCOFFS.]
Boys, I don't think you understand how classy parties work.
You only get food if you get the trivia questions right.
If you get them wrong, it goes to Murray's dog.
So they gave your food to the dog, and then the host just left you here? [LAUGHING.]
: Hank.
You are hopelessly working class.
This is all totally normal.
Once we set the table and clean ourselves Murray and his friends will return from the big turkey kitchen and we'll have a feast.
Hearing it out loud, it does sound a little off.
A little off? You know what? We need to go downstairs and find out what's going on.
Charlie, do you know any hard Italian cow's milk cheeses? Well, off the top of my head, there's Parmesan, Romano, Asiago, uh, Grana Padano, there's Damn it, I picked the wrong plus-one.
Well, we pulled it off.
For the first time in years, our Thanksgiving finally had a little excitement.
Can you believe they're still up there cleaning my apartment? And they're still expecting to have a delicious dinner.
The very delicious dinner that we're eating right now.
Oh, those peasants are going to be as bitter - as in-season radicchio.
- [MURRAY LAUGHS.]
Why play with one's food when you can play with people? - Huh? [CHUCKLES.]
- [FRANCINE LAUGHS.]
I knew they were food snobs, but these people are sociopaths.
It's bad that I still find him attractive, isn't it? Uh-uh, I-I get it.
Are we ever gonna eat? Did you see the bottle of wine that woman brought? There was a price tag on the bottom.
$17.
99.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Why are they laughing? Well, is it too high or too low? Who would do something that horrible on Thanksgiving? Yeah, I bet you're feeling pretty crappy you ditched us for them, huh? You know what? I am.
I abandoned my friends, and for what? Food that I never even got to eat, and the most sadistic game of trivia I've ever played.
Yeah, well, at least you didn't lose out to a freakin' dog.
I'm sorry we messed up your Thanksgiving Day, guys.
No, the day's still young.
We're about to find out what Thanksgiving is really about.
Yeah.
Naps.
No, Charlie.
Friends.
Together.
Exacting sweet revenge on those douchebags who harmed 'em.
Who's with me? SID/MARGARET/CHARLIE: We are.
- Here it is.
- Ah.
My famous pecan soufflé.
Maybe we should find another couple of rubes - and do this again next year.
- [MURRAY CHUCKLES.]
Indeed.
I haven't smiled this much in a long time.
You know, we may not need to find other rubes.
I'm not so sure we couldn't do it again to these idiots.
Oh, you mean us idiots? Yes, yes, I do.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
We're busted.
Ooh.
Well, what are you going to do about it? We finished dinner and we're almost done with dessert.
You're right, Francine.
You won.
You are so much smarter than we are.
So much so that we would like to play a little game of trivia with you.
- What? Oh, well, very well.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Shoot.
- All right.
See if you can name all the ingredients in that soufflé that you're eating.
Well, that's easy.
Butter, eggs, pecans Ah, you forgot the secret ingredients we slipped in there when y'all were having dinner.
Yeah, that's right.
The soufflé needed some sort of glue to hold it together.
The glue known as American cheese.
- [GASPS, WHIMPERS.]
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
[STAMMERS.]
You can't be serious.
MARGARET: You all are eating pure American cheese.
Zero percent dairy.
Murray? What's happening? Am I poor now? You bums.
You-you bums! Oh, shut up, you Australian son of a bitch.
Yeah, that's what you get for messing - with this crew, Murray.
- Yeah.
[GAGGING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, revenge is sweet.
[SID SIGHS.]
Not as sweet as food, though.
We need to eat something.
Well, let's go to my apartment.
I'll whip up some casseroles.
Well, not an option.
We, uh, we trashed the place.
Well, what are we gonna do? MARGARET: Oh, man, I was so hungry.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [RADIO PLAYS INDISTINCTLY.]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
You know, I got to tell you, Dudley, I-I actually enjoy imagining the players.
- It's nice, isn't it? - It is.
Yeah.
I-I'm sure glad you all came over.
You really turned my day around.
Aw.
This has been great.
I can't believe I thought Thanksgiving with Murray was gonna be better than you guys.
Nothing's better than us, Margaret.
You should know that by now.
Hey, happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
ALL: Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, happy Thanksgiving.
Now can we please turn this damn football off? - Uh-oh.
- And rock and roll! Whoa.
Take them old potatoes off the shelf I'm gonna bake 'em all by myself Go, Sid.
Those psycho foodies - Ain't got no soul - Uh-huh.
I want an old-time casserole - MARGARET: Yeah, Sid! - [ALL LAUGH.]
You are cordially invited to Dudley's Thanksgiving.
It's a hot ticket.
Very exclusive.
Please come.
Get out of here, Dudley.
We already have plans.
Well, let me know if anything changes.
[PLAYS FANFARE.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Well what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving? Well, I think the question you should be asking is: what are we doing for Thanksgiving? Yes, Margaret, since tomorrow is your very first Thanksgiving here at Shady Meadows, I would like to issue a formal invitation for you to have dinner with us at the renowned Tucson hot spot Chez Sid! Margaret, you're really gonna enjoy it.
Sid makes all the classics.
Yam casserole.
Green bean casserole.
Stuffing casserole.
And of course, his fabled casserole casserole.
Oh, well, thank you for the invitation, you guys.
As delicious as a four-casserole Thanksgiving sounds Uh-bup-bup, there's 12 casseroles, Margaret.
We were just giving you the highlights.
[LAUGHING.]
: Yeah.
We didn't want to blow your mind.
Well, I appreciate that.
But I-I actually already have plans.
With who? Dudley's the only other game in town, and that is too dark to even think about.
Well, he's not the only other game in town.
Well, who else? Oh, wait a minute, not Murray and the food snobs! Well, now, I've already dry-brined and spatchcocked the turkey, which will, of course, be divine.
Francine, love your ciabatta and sausage stuffing.
But, uh, go easy on the sage this year.
This isn't a Wiccan festival.
FRANCINE: Note taken, Murray.
And I apologize if I've let you down in the past.
And, Norman, if you bring another of your oak-y Chardonnays, you'll be banished to the cafeteria along with the rest of these mouth-breathers.
You know, I actually prefer breathing through my mouth.
It's so much easier.
It's just [TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Yeah.
That's so nice.
And how'd you score an invite, anyway? They hate everyone.
Even me.
Can you wrap your head around that? Murray just came up to me and invited me, and I, I don't mind, he's kind of cute.
And that British accent.
Cheerio.
Well, all that food sounds wack.
I didn't hear the word "casserole" in there once.
Margaret, let me explain something to you.
We forbid you from going over there for Thanksgiving! You know, Thanksgiving is a time to be with the people you care about.
That's why we all told our kids that we have the flu.
- So we could hang out here and party.
- SID: Mm-hmm.
Exactly.
Nothing should come between us on Thanksgiving Day.
Murray gave me a plus-one.
- Me! Me, me, me! - Oh, no.
Margaret! - [SHOUTING.]
- Me, me, me, me, me - Me, me, me, me, me - Margaret! Margaret.
Okay, I, uh, think the choice is obvious.
You can't spell Thanksgiving without "Hank.
" That's me.
I'm Hank, so Oh.
I was gonna pitch myself, but that was so convincing.
I think you should take Hank.
Margaret! Please, please pick me.
This little kitty wants a fancy feast.
Sid.
You're preparing your own Thanksgiving.
You can't go to somebody else's.
Watch me.
Margaret, please pick me.
You know that I am the classiest of the three.
Well the bar is a little low.
But yeah, I-I pick Sid.
[LAUGHS.]
: Hurray! Hurray! I told you I was the classiest.
[BLOWING RASPBERRIES.]
But what are we supposed to do now? You're preparing - our Thanksgiving! - CHARLIE: Yeah.
Well, you can cook it.
Everything's in my apartment.
Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
Come on, girl, we are moving on up.
[PLAYING FANFARE ON KAZOO.]
Plans fall through? That's my target audience.
I got more.
Ooh I'm so excited.
And hungry.
I didn't eat all day in anticipation.
Same.
I even did an hour on the elliptical just to work up an appetite.
All right, a half hour.
Fine.
I went in the sauna.
There it is.
Okay, Sid, I'm kind of interested in Murray, so try to make me look good in there.
But they are so ritzy.
Growing up in small-town Texas, we didn't do fancy holidays.
One Christmas, we ate a squirrel family that was nesting in the attic.
Okay, that is horrifying.
Gee, Sid, I would've thought that your palate would be a little more refined.
Because I'm gay, Margaret? Wow.
Well, I didn't mean - just because you're - Oh what an ugly moment.
Margaret, gay people can be trash, too, you know.
Okay, fine.
From now on I will recognize that you are trash.
Well, thank you.
In the meantime, will you try to fit in here? We're gonna have the best meal of our lives.
Hi, y'all! I brought a bottle of wine for our dashing host.
It's from France.
Ooh.
Did you hear that, everyone? France.
Oh, please.
Meet my roommate, Woof-Gang Puck.
Evergreen, Murray.
I love it more every time I hear it.
Well, I wouldn't mind woof-ing down - some of these appetizers.
- Bup-bup-bup-bup, my appetizer-sized friend.
All in due time.
Around here, we like to tantalize the mind as well as the palate.
What? - Whew, that was exhausting.
- CHARLIE: Oh, yes, sir.
I'd feel a lot better about it if we'd made something edible.
Yeah, well, I think the problem here is neither one of us knows how to cook.
- Amen, brother.
- Hey.
[GRUNTS.]
But, you know, Margaret and Sid are coming right back.
- They are? - Oh, yeah.
As soon as they walk into Murray's, realize they're wrong, they're gonna come rushing back, begging to cook us the Thanksgiving meal of our dreams.
Well, that is good, because it would be a very sad Thanksgiving if it was just the two of us in Sid's apartment with no food.
[CHUCKLES.]
[QUIETLY.]
: Yes, indeed.
But no, they're coming back now.
They're coming right back through that door.
So they're coming back right now! Right now! It's not working, Hank.
No, they're coming back.
They're coming back.
- Yeah, say this with me.
- Okay.
Five, four, three, two, one.
BOTH: Now! Now! Now! Every year before dinner, we play trivia.
Get a question right, earn an appetizer.
[LAUGHS.]
: Oh.
I love learning when I'm hungry.
You love trivia, right, Sid? Oh, 'deed I do.
'Deed I do.
'Deed I don't.
Margaret, I don't know anything.
Well, just roll with it, because these appetizers smell freakin' amazing.
MURRAY: First question! Francine.
What varietals make up a Bordeaux blend? Getting a little "Bordeaux" myself.
Starting with a softball, eh, Murray? Very well.
The answer is: Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot and Cabernet Franc.
Correct! [CHUCKLES.]
This deviled quail's egg is yours.
Mm.
Mm.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Oh.
Mmm! Mmm! [PANTING.]
: Oh, my God.
Oh! [PANTS.]
Oh, God, I love trivia.
That really made me upset.
There's a weird energy in here, right? Big-time.
But I am definitely staying until I get one of those eggs.
[WEAKLY.]
: Now.
Now.
You know, Hank, I'm starting to think - they're not coming back.
- Well, damn it, Charlie, the four of us are supposed to be a team.
- I know.
- Now we got no place to eat Thanksgiving dinner.
Well Ah! The natives have arrived on Dudley Rock.
I bid thee welcome.
[CHARLIE GROANS.]
All right, you guys are up.
Mm, perhaps one of you will finally get a question right.
God, I hope so.
I'm getting lightheaded.
Do you think we could get an appetizer on loan? [CHUCKLES.]
Nope.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Name three hard Italian cow's milk cheeses.
Ooh, I love cheese.
I got this one.
Remember, this is your last chance to get an appetizer.
Italian cheese, Sid.
Say something Italian.
Ah-cheese-ah! Ah-cheese-ah is not correct.
Game over.
You guys are all eating appetizers; we're starving.
Couldn't we just eat some? But, you didn't get any questions right.
Don't worry, dinner's just around the corner.
And it's gonna be incredible.
[SIGHING.]
: All right, Sid.
As it turns out, Murray kind of blows, but we've come too far not to get that dinner.
So-so what? Are you just gonna waste those appetizers? Hmm? Oh, don't worry.
They'll be going to Woof-Gang Puck.
Uh, just the rules of the game.
But he didn't get one question right.
Name one.
One Italian cheese.
Name one if you're such a smart little bitch! He's more of a cat person.
Where's the food, man? Well, the turkey just went into the oven.
So, our food should be ready in a brisk four hours.
Is that when everyone else is gonna show up? Uh-huh.
All right, man, whatever.
Let's watch some football until it's ready.
And where the hell is your couch? It's being reupholstered, but, luckily, I have these backless stools.
Are you kidding me? Damn, Dudley.
[CHUCKLES.]
Backless stools? What is this, Venezuela? Are we ready for the big game? Well, at least we get football, Hank.
[GRUNTS.]
What? Radio? That's right.
I don't own a TV.
I prefer to listen to the game and imagine the players.
Well, you know what else you're gonna be imagining? - Us being here, 'cause we're leaving.
- Oh.
I don't care if Murray didn't invite us, we're going.
Oh, wait, guys.
At least stay for a beer.
What kind of beer? Root.
I know what you're doing here.
Do you? Because I'm beginning to wonder.
You like Murray.
And you're wasting your time.
Murray isn't interested in women.
- Mm.
- Or men.
He only has eyes for food.
You're mine.
What is in these appetizers? [LAUGHING.]
So walk me through your typical Thanksgiving menu one more time so I can get it exactly right.
Well, basically, if it's in a can, it goes in a casserole.
That is incredible.
Murray, they dine on casseroles.
Oh, I love 'em.
You can put just about anything in 'em.
But you cannot skip the glue that holds it all together: the American cheese.
- [GROANS.]
- Oh, my God.
I'd rather eat a bullet than American cheese.
Oh, we all would, Francine.
We all would.
But don't worry.
- Tonight we dine in style.
- Mmm.
- Spanakopita.
- Oh.
- Lamb shanks that cascade off the bone.
- Yes.
- Bacon-filled dates flown in from Jerusalem.
- Mmm.
Okay, this all sounds really amazing, but if this stuff is cooking, why don't I smell it? Oh, I couldn't cook all that here.
Didn't you hear the man? There's spanakopita We got it, Francine! [STAMMERS.]
A feast of this size and scale could only be prepared in a commercial kitchen.
Uh, luckily, with Shady Meadows closed for the holidays, the dining hall was just the place.
Okay, so when do I eat? Soon.
Oh, very soon.
- In fact, uh, we should go check on our dishes.
- Ah.
Why don't we go down now, and you two, uh, well, stay here and set the table.
Hmm? Uh, maybe, uh, clean up a bit.
The room.
And yourselves.
Okay, this is super weird, right? What is going on here? I'll tell you what's going on.
You are not doing your share of the chores.
They've been gone for over an hour.
I am ravenous.
Who locks their refrigerator? Full disclosure.
I ate a pinch of fish food a minute ago.
Fuller disclosure.
I almost ate the fish.
Screw you, Murray, I'm staying! Well, where's Murray? What are you guys doing here? We had no other place to go.
Y'all bailed on us.
And we wound up at Dudley's.
- Dudley's! - Yeah.
Where the hell is everybody? Yeah, and where's the food? [SCOFFS.]
Boys, I don't think you understand how classy parties work.
You only get food if you get the trivia questions right.
If you get them wrong, it goes to Murray's dog.
So they gave your food to the dog, and then the host just left you here? [LAUGHING.]
: Hank.
You are hopelessly working class.
This is all totally normal.
Once we set the table and clean ourselves Murray and his friends will return from the big turkey kitchen and we'll have a feast.
Hearing it out loud, it does sound a little off.
A little off? You know what? We need to go downstairs and find out what's going on.
Charlie, do you know any hard Italian cow's milk cheeses? Well, off the top of my head, there's Parmesan, Romano, Asiago, uh, Grana Padano, there's Damn it, I picked the wrong plus-one.
Well, we pulled it off.
For the first time in years, our Thanksgiving finally had a little excitement.
Can you believe they're still up there cleaning my apartment? And they're still expecting to have a delicious dinner.
The very delicious dinner that we're eating right now.
Oh, those peasants are going to be as bitter - as in-season radicchio.
- [MURRAY LAUGHS.]
Why play with one's food when you can play with people? - Huh? [CHUCKLES.]
- [FRANCINE LAUGHS.]
I knew they were food snobs, but these people are sociopaths.
It's bad that I still find him attractive, isn't it? Uh-uh, I-I get it.
Are we ever gonna eat? Did you see the bottle of wine that woman brought? There was a price tag on the bottom.
$17.
99.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Why are they laughing? Well, is it too high or too low? Who would do something that horrible on Thanksgiving? Yeah, I bet you're feeling pretty crappy you ditched us for them, huh? You know what? I am.
I abandoned my friends, and for what? Food that I never even got to eat, and the most sadistic game of trivia I've ever played.
Yeah, well, at least you didn't lose out to a freakin' dog.
I'm sorry we messed up your Thanksgiving Day, guys.
No, the day's still young.
We're about to find out what Thanksgiving is really about.
Yeah.
Naps.
No, Charlie.
Friends.
Together.
Exacting sweet revenge on those douchebags who harmed 'em.
Who's with me? SID/MARGARET/CHARLIE: We are.
- Here it is.
- Ah.
My famous pecan soufflé.
Maybe we should find another couple of rubes - and do this again next year.
- [MURRAY CHUCKLES.]
Indeed.
I haven't smiled this much in a long time.
You know, we may not need to find other rubes.
I'm not so sure we couldn't do it again to these idiots.
Oh, you mean us idiots? Yes, yes, I do.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
We're busted.
Ooh.
Well, what are you going to do about it? We finished dinner and we're almost done with dessert.
You're right, Francine.
You won.
You are so much smarter than we are.
So much so that we would like to play a little game of trivia with you.
- What? Oh, well, very well.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Shoot.
- All right.
See if you can name all the ingredients in that soufflé that you're eating.
Well, that's easy.
Butter, eggs, pecans Ah, you forgot the secret ingredients we slipped in there when y'all were having dinner.
Yeah, that's right.
The soufflé needed some sort of glue to hold it together.
The glue known as American cheese.
- [GASPS, WHIMPERS.]
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
[STAMMERS.]
You can't be serious.
MARGARET: You all are eating pure American cheese.
Zero percent dairy.
Murray? What's happening? Am I poor now? You bums.
You-you bums! Oh, shut up, you Australian son of a bitch.
Yeah, that's what you get for messing - with this crew, Murray.
- Yeah.
[GAGGING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, revenge is sweet.
[SID SIGHS.]
Not as sweet as food, though.
We need to eat something.
Well, let's go to my apartment.
I'll whip up some casseroles.
Well, not an option.
We, uh, we trashed the place.
Well, what are we gonna do? MARGARET: Oh, man, I was so hungry.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [RADIO PLAYS INDISTINCTLY.]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
You know, I got to tell you, Dudley, I-I actually enjoy imagining the players.
- It's nice, isn't it? - It is.
Yeah.
I-I'm sure glad you all came over.
You really turned my day around.
Aw.
This has been great.
I can't believe I thought Thanksgiving with Murray was gonna be better than you guys.
Nothing's better than us, Margaret.
You should know that by now.
Hey, happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
ALL: Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, happy Thanksgiving.
Now can we please turn this damn football off? - Uh-oh.
- And rock and roll! Whoa.
Take them old potatoes off the shelf I'm gonna bake 'em all by myself Go, Sid.
Those psycho foodies - Ain't got no soul - Uh-huh.
I want an old-time casserole - MARGARET: Yeah, Sid! - [ALL LAUGH.]