The Crazy Ones s01e07 Episode Script
Sydney, Australia
Hey I know you guys have been talking to a lot of other agencies, but I don't think there's a better fit than Lewis, Roberts & Roberts and the Australian Tourist Board.
Oh, we hope so, mate, because we're desperate to get more tourists back down to Oz.
What's stopping them? The 23-hour flight? Hey, I've had binges longer than that! Well, you're speaking my language now, mate.
So we'll be ready to pitch to you Wednesday at 6:00 p.
m.
That's Thursday at 9:00 for you.
Which is the day after yesterday down there.
I thought that they were two weeks in the future.
Hey, can you tell me if the Bulls win tomorrow? Because I bet my condo on that game.
Did you hear them? That's hilarious! Don't you worry, we'll make it hilarious for you.
You take care.
G'day! Oh, God, do I hate them.
So smug in their board shorts.
You could only see them from the waist up.
Yeah, but I could feel them, and I hate them as much as I hate their stupid country.
And that accent oh, it's like sandpaper on your ears.
G'day, mate! No worries.
Put another shrimp on the barbie.
Sheila, this is Bruce.
Bruce, this is Sheila.
People love that accent.
What's not to love about Australia? It's supposed to be a paradise.
Paradise? They're an overgrown penal colony! Two-dollar coin's smaller than the one-dollar coin.
Every single animal down there can kill you.
And it takes forever to dry your hair.
Simon, God knows if you're hating on something, we want to be right there with you.
Got it.
Okay? But they gave us Naomi Watts.
But they also gave us The Wiggles, which are only enjoyable if you're high.
And what kind of message is that for kids? Hey, Simon.
What happened in there? You want to talk about it? I've only been to Australia once.
But it was a doozy.
It was my last big bender.
When I really hit bottom.
I don't remember much.
Started off as a drinkabout with these rugby players.
Next thing you know, I woke up in a Speedo on a beach in Perth being pulled into the bush by an eastern grey kangaroo.
An Aboriginal woman fought him off.
And then I was with her for a while, and There's more, but I don't want to bore you.
We're not bored.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Have you guys seen Ad Age? - Oh, is that your interview? - Yup.
- How is it? I haven't read it yet.
I was waiting for an audience.
"The newest partner at Lewis, Roberts & Roberts "proves the perfect addition to the team.
" Uh-oh.
Hmm.
What "uh-oh"? "Though she can seem somewhat "aloof and standoffish, "she is the perfect counterpoint to her gregarious father.
" But this is so wrong.
Yeah, that's just bad writing.
"Aloof" and "standoffish" are synonyms.
You don't need both.
Yeah, he must have really wanted to make a point about how cold you are.
Oh, that makes sense.
Sydney, someone sent you a basket.
What do we got? What do we got? Ooh, dibs on any sensual body oils.
Andrew, you can have cured meats.
I'm good with that.
What kind of baskets do you freaks get? Hands off.
"Saw you in Ad Age.
You look beautiful.
Love, Danny Chase.
" Oh, my God.
Ooh, chocolate truffles.
My hand was already on that! I have a better metabolism.
You yo-yo.
Am I wrong? Who's Danny? Uh, he was this sweet but kind of nerdy jingle writer at the first agency I worked at.
He got fired for pushing this jingle for Calamine lotion.
Yeah, "Ration Ain't the Fashion.
" Oh.
Oh.
He took it pretty hard.
It's okay.
Really it's okay.
Women can just drink more Cosmos.
No one knows why.
If I can't write jingles what am I gonna do? It was sweet of him to think of me.
Looks like he's thought of you a lot.
Wh why is my picture on the cover of a CD? More important, what's with the '80s hairstyle? Oh, I get it.
Your picture's on it 'cause he wrote you a love song.
"Sydney, You're So Fine.
" What? Sydney You're one of a kind Sydney, you're so fine I'm gonna make you mine That's not creepy.
Sydney Bein' in love Ain't no crime Sydney, you're so fine I'm gonna make you mine.
Girl, you make my heart sing You're hotter than a buffalo wing I cannot listen to this anymore.
No, that's right.
Let's move on to the DJ remix.
One cubicle over And I'm not tryin' to stare But I get so distracted by the smell of your hair You're on the Atkins Diet But sneakin' Snickers on the stairs How did he even know that? Well, he's a stalker.
It's kind of his job.
Murder beats, not people, Danny.
Okay, this is too weird.
How did he even know about the article? Probably a Google Alert.
Happened to me a few times.
I've done that a few times.
Why this picture? Why didn't he just use one from the camera he has hidden in her bathroom? Sydney's the girl who got away.
I'm more concerned about the girls that didn't get away.
What are you doing? Well, I have to say thank you.
So I figured, if I do it through Facebook, then I don't have to give him my e-mail address.
Syd, I don't think that's a good idea.
I say always ignore a stalker.
He's right, I eventually stop.
He's right, they eventually stop.
I'm not going to ignore him.
That would be - Aloof? - Standoffish? Not who I am.
There.
It's over.
Sydney's on the phone with Danny.
He called her! Oh, yeah, no, I-I like the song.
It's very catchy.
Put him on speaker, put him on speaker! I don't I'm so glad.
You know, I was I was a little nervous.
Is that her? Yeah.
They're always nervous before their first kill.
You're listening to it, cool.
She's listening to it.
So, hey, my first CD's coming out.
You should totally come to my release party on Friday.
I'm pretty sure you've been to all of his "release parties.
" Shut up! What? Uh, nothing.
I mean, you have to be there.
You're kind of the inspiration for it all.
Aw That's so nice.
And-and I would love to except I have tickets to dinner theater.
Guys and Dolls.
Nice save.
Yeah, well, I know what the problem is.
I know it's-it's-it's last minute, but, um Hey, maybe we could grab a cup of coffee or something sometime? Sure, we should totally do that sometime.
She said yes.
She's free this after Uh, you know, I think they're calling me for something for work, so I have to run, but it was great talking to you.
Okay, bye.
You're gonna have coffee with him? God, no! I want my last meal to be something more than coffee.
You could get a biscotti.
Hotter than the heat On the surface of the sun When it comes to hot girls You're the hottest one.
And in a time-lapse shot, the helicopter takes us over the country, landing on beautiful Bondi Beach, and we hear Forget the World in a World Time Forgot.
" It's beautiful.
Almost makes you forget that Australia's the scrotum of the South Pacific.
Gentlemen, your thoughts? It's very pretty, but we're not sure.
If I could bitch-slap a country.
You weren't so sure about some of our other good ideas.
Yeah, well, it-it's all feeling a bit clever.
Gentlemen, you hired the best agency in town.
We're going to give you a clever campaign.
Well, just dumb it down a bit, mate.
Yeah, dumb is good.
I like dumb.
That was the wrong thing to say.
He's not going to like that.
Sydney, you're one of a kind Okay, everyone, I think the song is getting a little old.
Sydney There's a calypso version? Danny's on the line again.
He wants to know if you're free for lunch.
Just tell him I'm in a meeting.
Again.
Maybe you need to tell him you're not interested.
Why doesn't he know that ignoring is the international sign for "stop calling"? But to a stalker, ignoring is a kind of foreplay.
Like the smell of the leaves outside his bathroom window.
Or the feel of his T-shirt you stole from his laundry room.
Or the.
Wait, I'm sensing your question was rhetorical.
Sorry.
Can't do it, Syd.
They hate everything.
I'm ready to pitch them the truth.
So Hot, Not Even the Nazis Wanted It!" Dad, please, come on we want this! How many agencies do you know that have an entire country? Hell, a continent.
Should they even be allowed to call themselves a continent? I think we should revisit that like we did with Pluto.
This is really important.
They want us to lower our standards.
I once caught you drinking my nail polish remover.
I remember.
Please.
Do whatever it takes to land them.
Please! I'll do it.
Let's show the world we can dance Bad enough to strut our stuff The music gives us a chance We do more Out on the floor Groovin' loose Or heart to heart We're bumpin' booties, havin' us a ball, y'all Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah Show 'em how we do it now Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah Show 'em how we do it now Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah Let Australia transform you.
It's Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
Oh! Don't know her.
What else you got? Sydney, you're one of a Oh, no, it's gotten in me.
It's in all of us.
Wait! You're in a meeting.
No, I'm not.
I'm going to go pee.
Danny's here.
What? Sydney! Hey, you.
- Hey! - Hey! Wow, you haven't changed at all.
I mean, your hair is longer and your face is older I didn't mean that.
I check her whereabouts every ten minutes.
- Okay.
- Um - Wh-What are you doing here? - You know we were looking for a time to hang out, and you're so busy that I just figured, you know bitch got to eat.
I didn't mean that, either.
Uh, I brought lunch.
Egg salad.
But not on a hard roll, because I remember that you hate it when egg salad smushes all out the outside because when you take a bite, it Danny, stop, please, stop! Okay? Th-This is weird, really.
It-it's too weird.
I The egg salad and the song You don't like the song? It's insane! I-I just I don't understand why you would write that song about me.
I mean, we barely know each other.
Okay.
Well I just, I-I thought that maybe, uh You know what? Forget it.
You're right.
We barely know each other.
Maybe you're just, um not the same Sydney that I remember.
Well, I don't have to pee anymore.
I always wonder where it goes when that happens.
Well, that's it, fellas.
That's our last pitch.
"Australia.
We Got Penguins.
" What do you think? As if I give a rat's ass what they think, I hate them so much.
Gentlemen? Well, to be honest, we don't really love it.
Oh, what a surprise.
That's why I hate Australians.
They never say what they mean.
I think they did.
They said they don't love it.
So I hate them and their directness.
What we need is an "I Heart New York.
" Yeah.
Oh Now, what about "I Heart Australia"? What about "I hate Australia"? What was that? You didn't mute it.
No, I didn't, did I? How can anyone hate Australia, mate? No, no, no.
See He has that disease He-he loves Australia where he says the opposite thing You didn't let me finish.
I said "I hate Australia" because I think about it all the time! He's obsessed.
I can't go there often, because it's so far.
It's really far.
Sure, there's other places I could go that are closer, No.
You were saying, "Uh, Hawaii, sure", "you're cute, but you're no Australia.
" You were saying that it's like nowhere else.
That's it! That's exactly what we're going for.
Australia, you're like nowhere else.
Australia, you're worth the trip because you're one of a kind! Australia, where everywhere is a new adventure! Like the Great Barrier Reef in Queensland.
(to tune of "Sydney, You're Queensland There's nothing as grand Or the beaches in Perth! Perth Like nowhere on Earth Yeah! Or the Opera House in Sydney! It's one of a kind! Sydney You're one of a kind Sydney, you're so fine This is great! Oh, that's it, that's it! Sydney, you're one of a kind Sydney, you're so fine.
Sold! Whew.
How could this happen? Your dad just started singing it.
Well, you jumped right in with the guitar.
Guys, guys the important thing to remember here is I am mostly free of blame.
Except all of you have been playing it all week! Well, in my defense, it's pretty darn catchy.
And really good to start your cool-down to after a tough workout.
Not that I have.
- I was just singing backup vocals.
- Doesn't matter.
You're gonna have to find something else to pitch to the Australians.
There's nothing left to pitch.
I jumped genders for them! We'll just buy the rights from your friend.
Oh What "oh"? I may have been a little rude to him.
It was the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
And I spent a summer interning with Japanese whalers.
Sounds horrible.
Tell me about it.
None of the credits transferred.
Okay, here's the plan.
Okay.
Danny is going to be at the launch party tonight.
He goes on at 9:00 sharp.
You could get there a little early, I'll go with you How do you know all that? Oh, I-I looked at his Web site.
- You know, as a goof.
- It's a good idea.
You go there, you bump into him.
You want me to go crawling back to my obsessed stalker, whom I just left in tears after telling him to get out of my life forever, and ask him to sell us his song? That's a better idea.
What I was thinking was way more demeaning.
Yeah.
I'll be fine.
Danny's gonna realize that there can't be anything between us once he meets my boyfriend Andrew.
Mmm.
Where is my boyfriend Andrew? I was in a band in college.
Did you ever hear of.
- Pungent Stench? - No.
We opened for them.
Hey, guys.
What's the plan? What you got there? "Danny Chase, Fall '13.
" Uh, yeah, I-I stopped by the, uh, the merch table.
As a goof.
And, uh, I picked up that CD as a as a further goof.
Hey, Danny, good luck.
- Here's Danny.
- What? Where? Where? Oh, my God, be cool.
Be cool! Hey.
Hello, Sydney.
- Excuse me.
- Wait, wait, hold on.
I-I, um I really want to apologize for what I said.
You know, sometimes my emotions get the best of me.
- It's because of how she was raised.
- Dad I take full responsibility.
I married a real bitch who set a poor example.
Really, I was honored that you thought so much of me to write that song.
And so is my boyfriend, Andrew.
We opened for them.
The point is, we love the song so much, we'd like to buy it for a commercial.
And have you sign some of our T-shirts, Danny.
Sweetheart, not now.
Why would I do anything for you? We "barely know" each other, right? I never should've said that.
We worked together.
Look, I was a mess when I lost that job.
And you were the first person to tell me that there was more out there than jingles.
I was the first? Yeah.
You told me to write from my heart.
And it changed my life.
So that "weird" song was my thank-you to you.
But it doesn't matter, because it didn't mean anything to you anyway, so Maybe you'll like my new song better.
This is a song about somebody that I I thought I knew.
There There is a girl To me she meant all the world You know, he's a much better singer than he is stalker.
And he's a really good stalker.
But I I came to see She's not who I thought she'd be We don't know this is about you.
There was a time when all I knew was Sydney, you're so fine Sydney, you're one of a kind But it's not true I guess it's about you.
I barely knew you But I tried Who could've known I'd be denied By a woman Who in truth Is nothing but cold and aloof? - God, he's hot.
- Right? If I had one wish You wouldn't be so standoffish You barely knew me I barely knew you You barely knew me, Sydney I barely knew you.
Hey, great show, man.
I hope that's pee and not blood.
Why didn't I hope for water? What do you want? I want to tell you how much I loved that last song.
Sure, it didn't paint the nicest picture of my daughter, but still pretty solid.
So much better than that silly love song you wrote her.
You mean the, uh the silly song that you came here to buy? Busted.
Yep.
Danny, can I be honest with you? It's just the two of us in here.
And me.
Roland.
And Roland.
Between the three of us, for one second, can we look at it from her point of view? You scared her.
She threw up her walls.
She rejected you, and then she broke your heart.
But that that's when it happened.
When what happened? You became an artist.
That love song you wrote is a great jingle, but that's all I'll ever be.
But that angry jam that Sydney inspired that's rich with rage and darkness.
That's art.
Stop kissing my ass.
You are laying it on thick.
How long you gonna be in there, Roland? Hey, I'm an artist, too.
I'm just saying great songs don't come from getting the girl.
They come from not getting the girl.
Sydney is like the guy who broke Adele's heart.
Or the mountain goat who broke Neil Young's heart.
I know how Neil feels.
Neil feels, Neil feels that actually rhymes.
I'm gonna write that down.
You see? It's working already.
So, what? You're-you're saying that I-I need Sydney? I'm just saying we both can use this situation to our advantage.
Wait.
What did we agree to? Well, Danny will give us his song for a reasonable price in exchange for you occasionally blowing him off.
"Off.
" Whew.
I thought that was going in another direction.
And if Danny's ever blocked, you have to find some way of, you know, disappointing him.
Yeah, Syd, you can just give him attitude or not return his calls.
This is right in your wheelhouse.
And that will inspire him.
It's genius! Does anyone else think this is weird? Well, Roland had some misgivings, but I think he's on board now.
Sydney, come on.
It's the best of all worlds.
There's no losers.
I don't know.
Syd? Hey.
- You did nothing wrong.
- How could I forget that I was part of the biggest moment in someone's life? You know, maybe Ad Age is right.
Maybe I am cold.
Come on.
So you put up walls.
We all do.
They don't know the real you.
The kind Sydney that we all know.
Tonight didn't make me feel so kind.
Do you remember the night I got back from Australia? God, I hate that country Dad.
Okay.
That trip cost me everything I cared about: my wife, my home everything except you.
You planned a big birthday party for me that night.
Do you know how I repaid you? I think a T-shirt that said "Wish You Were Beer.
" I came home at 2:00 in the morning blitzed out of my mind.
Party was long over, you were asleep.
I was afraid you'd be mad.
You slept on my couch that night.
Do you remember what you did the next morning? No No judgment.
Just a simple gesture of love.
Cake.
Because of that, because of you, I never had another drink.
So, you see, your kindness changed my life, too.
I never knew that.
Exactly.
Okay.
You coming? No, you go along.
I've got a little business I have to discuss with Danny.
Okay.
Two, three, four.
Australia You fill me with hate Australia You're not great Take it away, my man.
I forgot New Zealand is right above you The only thing worse than one of you is two Mmm That is that's nice.
You know what's weird? Hmm? I think it was New Zealand where it all happened.
Key change! Yeah! New Zealand You're so full of sheep Baa, baa, baa, baa New Zealand So much sheep Baa baa baa baa baa baa baa You're almost like a boy soprano.
But they gave us Naomi once.
Nay-omi or Nye-omi? I-I It doesn't matter! That's how I mean, it's so crazy.
Nye-omi, Nay-omi.
Hello, Sydney It's your boyfriend How's it going, how's it Little Joey, hopping about Don't you see, he's walkabout He's got a friend In his pouch He's a man, he's no little slouch Go, Joey.
Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah Show 'em how we do it now We'll be right back.
Oh, we hope so, mate, because we're desperate to get more tourists back down to Oz.
What's stopping them? The 23-hour flight? Hey, I've had binges longer than that! Well, you're speaking my language now, mate.
So we'll be ready to pitch to you Wednesday at 6:00 p.
m.
That's Thursday at 9:00 for you.
Which is the day after yesterday down there.
I thought that they were two weeks in the future.
Hey, can you tell me if the Bulls win tomorrow? Because I bet my condo on that game.
Did you hear them? That's hilarious! Don't you worry, we'll make it hilarious for you.
You take care.
G'day! Oh, God, do I hate them.
So smug in their board shorts.
You could only see them from the waist up.
Yeah, but I could feel them, and I hate them as much as I hate their stupid country.
And that accent oh, it's like sandpaper on your ears.
G'day, mate! No worries.
Put another shrimp on the barbie.
Sheila, this is Bruce.
Bruce, this is Sheila.
People love that accent.
What's not to love about Australia? It's supposed to be a paradise.
Paradise? They're an overgrown penal colony! Two-dollar coin's smaller than the one-dollar coin.
Every single animal down there can kill you.
And it takes forever to dry your hair.
Simon, God knows if you're hating on something, we want to be right there with you.
Got it.
Okay? But they gave us Naomi Watts.
But they also gave us The Wiggles, which are only enjoyable if you're high.
And what kind of message is that for kids? Hey, Simon.
What happened in there? You want to talk about it? I've only been to Australia once.
But it was a doozy.
It was my last big bender.
When I really hit bottom.
I don't remember much.
Started off as a drinkabout with these rugby players.
Next thing you know, I woke up in a Speedo on a beach in Perth being pulled into the bush by an eastern grey kangaroo.
An Aboriginal woman fought him off.
And then I was with her for a while, and There's more, but I don't want to bore you.
We're not bored.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Have you guys seen Ad Age? - Oh, is that your interview? - Yup.
- How is it? I haven't read it yet.
I was waiting for an audience.
"The newest partner at Lewis, Roberts & Roberts "proves the perfect addition to the team.
" Uh-oh.
Hmm.
What "uh-oh"? "Though she can seem somewhat "aloof and standoffish, "she is the perfect counterpoint to her gregarious father.
" But this is so wrong.
Yeah, that's just bad writing.
"Aloof" and "standoffish" are synonyms.
You don't need both.
Yeah, he must have really wanted to make a point about how cold you are.
Oh, that makes sense.
Sydney, someone sent you a basket.
What do we got? What do we got? Ooh, dibs on any sensual body oils.
Andrew, you can have cured meats.
I'm good with that.
What kind of baskets do you freaks get? Hands off.
"Saw you in Ad Age.
You look beautiful.
Love, Danny Chase.
" Oh, my God.
Ooh, chocolate truffles.
My hand was already on that! I have a better metabolism.
You yo-yo.
Am I wrong? Who's Danny? Uh, he was this sweet but kind of nerdy jingle writer at the first agency I worked at.
He got fired for pushing this jingle for Calamine lotion.
Yeah, "Ration Ain't the Fashion.
" Oh.
Oh.
He took it pretty hard.
It's okay.
Really it's okay.
Women can just drink more Cosmos.
No one knows why.
If I can't write jingles what am I gonna do? It was sweet of him to think of me.
Looks like he's thought of you a lot.
Wh why is my picture on the cover of a CD? More important, what's with the '80s hairstyle? Oh, I get it.
Your picture's on it 'cause he wrote you a love song.
"Sydney, You're So Fine.
" What? Sydney You're one of a kind Sydney, you're so fine I'm gonna make you mine That's not creepy.
Sydney Bein' in love Ain't no crime Sydney, you're so fine I'm gonna make you mine.
Girl, you make my heart sing You're hotter than a buffalo wing I cannot listen to this anymore.
No, that's right.
Let's move on to the DJ remix.
One cubicle over And I'm not tryin' to stare But I get so distracted by the smell of your hair You're on the Atkins Diet But sneakin' Snickers on the stairs How did he even know that? Well, he's a stalker.
It's kind of his job.
Murder beats, not people, Danny.
Okay, this is too weird.
How did he even know about the article? Probably a Google Alert.
Happened to me a few times.
I've done that a few times.
Why this picture? Why didn't he just use one from the camera he has hidden in her bathroom? Sydney's the girl who got away.
I'm more concerned about the girls that didn't get away.
What are you doing? Well, I have to say thank you.
So I figured, if I do it through Facebook, then I don't have to give him my e-mail address.
Syd, I don't think that's a good idea.
I say always ignore a stalker.
He's right, I eventually stop.
He's right, they eventually stop.
I'm not going to ignore him.
That would be - Aloof? - Standoffish? Not who I am.
There.
It's over.
Sydney's on the phone with Danny.
He called her! Oh, yeah, no, I-I like the song.
It's very catchy.
Put him on speaker, put him on speaker! I don't I'm so glad.
You know, I was I was a little nervous.
Is that her? Yeah.
They're always nervous before their first kill.
You're listening to it, cool.
She's listening to it.
So, hey, my first CD's coming out.
You should totally come to my release party on Friday.
I'm pretty sure you've been to all of his "release parties.
" Shut up! What? Uh, nothing.
I mean, you have to be there.
You're kind of the inspiration for it all.
Aw That's so nice.
And-and I would love to except I have tickets to dinner theater.
Guys and Dolls.
Nice save.
Yeah, well, I know what the problem is.
I know it's-it's-it's last minute, but, um Hey, maybe we could grab a cup of coffee or something sometime? Sure, we should totally do that sometime.
She said yes.
She's free this after Uh, you know, I think they're calling me for something for work, so I have to run, but it was great talking to you.
Okay, bye.
You're gonna have coffee with him? God, no! I want my last meal to be something more than coffee.
You could get a biscotti.
Hotter than the heat On the surface of the sun When it comes to hot girls You're the hottest one.
And in a time-lapse shot, the helicopter takes us over the country, landing on beautiful Bondi Beach, and we hear Forget the World in a World Time Forgot.
" It's beautiful.
Almost makes you forget that Australia's the scrotum of the South Pacific.
Gentlemen, your thoughts? It's very pretty, but we're not sure.
If I could bitch-slap a country.
You weren't so sure about some of our other good ideas.
Yeah, well, it-it's all feeling a bit clever.
Gentlemen, you hired the best agency in town.
We're going to give you a clever campaign.
Well, just dumb it down a bit, mate.
Yeah, dumb is good.
I like dumb.
That was the wrong thing to say.
He's not going to like that.
Sydney, you're one of a kind Okay, everyone, I think the song is getting a little old.
Sydney There's a calypso version? Danny's on the line again.
He wants to know if you're free for lunch.
Just tell him I'm in a meeting.
Again.
Maybe you need to tell him you're not interested.
Why doesn't he know that ignoring is the international sign for "stop calling"? But to a stalker, ignoring is a kind of foreplay.
Like the smell of the leaves outside his bathroom window.
Or the feel of his T-shirt you stole from his laundry room.
Or the.
Wait, I'm sensing your question was rhetorical.
Sorry.
Can't do it, Syd.
They hate everything.
I'm ready to pitch them the truth.
So Hot, Not Even the Nazis Wanted It!" Dad, please, come on we want this! How many agencies do you know that have an entire country? Hell, a continent.
Should they even be allowed to call themselves a continent? I think we should revisit that like we did with Pluto.
This is really important.
They want us to lower our standards.
I once caught you drinking my nail polish remover.
I remember.
Please.
Do whatever it takes to land them.
Please! I'll do it.
Let's show the world we can dance Bad enough to strut our stuff The music gives us a chance We do more Out on the floor Groovin' loose Or heart to heart We're bumpin' booties, havin' us a ball, y'all Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah Show 'em how we do it now Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah Show 'em how we do it now Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah Let Australia transform you.
It's Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
Oh! Don't know her.
What else you got? Sydney, you're one of a Oh, no, it's gotten in me.
It's in all of us.
Wait! You're in a meeting.
No, I'm not.
I'm going to go pee.
Danny's here.
What? Sydney! Hey, you.
- Hey! - Hey! Wow, you haven't changed at all.
I mean, your hair is longer and your face is older I didn't mean that.
I check her whereabouts every ten minutes.
- Okay.
- Um - Wh-What are you doing here? - You know we were looking for a time to hang out, and you're so busy that I just figured, you know bitch got to eat.
I didn't mean that, either.
Uh, I brought lunch.
Egg salad.
But not on a hard roll, because I remember that you hate it when egg salad smushes all out the outside because when you take a bite, it Danny, stop, please, stop! Okay? Th-This is weird, really.
It-it's too weird.
I The egg salad and the song You don't like the song? It's insane! I-I just I don't understand why you would write that song about me.
I mean, we barely know each other.
Okay.
Well I just, I-I thought that maybe, uh You know what? Forget it.
You're right.
We barely know each other.
Maybe you're just, um not the same Sydney that I remember.
Well, I don't have to pee anymore.
I always wonder where it goes when that happens.
Well, that's it, fellas.
That's our last pitch.
"Australia.
We Got Penguins.
" What do you think? As if I give a rat's ass what they think, I hate them so much.
Gentlemen? Well, to be honest, we don't really love it.
Oh, what a surprise.
That's why I hate Australians.
They never say what they mean.
I think they did.
They said they don't love it.
So I hate them and their directness.
What we need is an "I Heart New York.
" Yeah.
Oh Now, what about "I Heart Australia"? What about "I hate Australia"? What was that? You didn't mute it.
No, I didn't, did I? How can anyone hate Australia, mate? No, no, no.
See He has that disease He-he loves Australia where he says the opposite thing You didn't let me finish.
I said "I hate Australia" because I think about it all the time! He's obsessed.
I can't go there often, because it's so far.
It's really far.
Sure, there's other places I could go that are closer, No.
You were saying, "Uh, Hawaii, sure", "you're cute, but you're no Australia.
" You were saying that it's like nowhere else.
That's it! That's exactly what we're going for.
Australia, you're like nowhere else.
Australia, you're worth the trip because you're one of a kind! Australia, where everywhere is a new adventure! Like the Great Barrier Reef in Queensland.
(to tune of "Sydney, You're Queensland There's nothing as grand Or the beaches in Perth! Perth Like nowhere on Earth Yeah! Or the Opera House in Sydney! It's one of a kind! Sydney You're one of a kind Sydney, you're so fine This is great! Oh, that's it, that's it! Sydney, you're one of a kind Sydney, you're so fine.
Sold! Whew.
How could this happen? Your dad just started singing it.
Well, you jumped right in with the guitar.
Guys, guys the important thing to remember here is I am mostly free of blame.
Except all of you have been playing it all week! Well, in my defense, it's pretty darn catchy.
And really good to start your cool-down to after a tough workout.
Not that I have.
- I was just singing backup vocals.
- Doesn't matter.
You're gonna have to find something else to pitch to the Australians.
There's nothing left to pitch.
I jumped genders for them! We'll just buy the rights from your friend.
Oh What "oh"? I may have been a little rude to him.
It was the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
And I spent a summer interning with Japanese whalers.
Sounds horrible.
Tell me about it.
None of the credits transferred.
Okay, here's the plan.
Okay.
Danny is going to be at the launch party tonight.
He goes on at 9:00 sharp.
You could get there a little early, I'll go with you How do you know all that? Oh, I-I looked at his Web site.
- You know, as a goof.
- It's a good idea.
You go there, you bump into him.
You want me to go crawling back to my obsessed stalker, whom I just left in tears after telling him to get out of my life forever, and ask him to sell us his song? That's a better idea.
What I was thinking was way more demeaning.
Yeah.
I'll be fine.
Danny's gonna realize that there can't be anything between us once he meets my boyfriend Andrew.
Mmm.
Where is my boyfriend Andrew? I was in a band in college.
Did you ever hear of.
- Pungent Stench? - No.
We opened for them.
Hey, guys.
What's the plan? What you got there? "Danny Chase, Fall '13.
" Uh, yeah, I-I stopped by the, uh, the merch table.
As a goof.
And, uh, I picked up that CD as a as a further goof.
Hey, Danny, good luck.
- Here's Danny.
- What? Where? Where? Oh, my God, be cool.
Be cool! Hey.
Hello, Sydney.
- Excuse me.
- Wait, wait, hold on.
I-I, um I really want to apologize for what I said.
You know, sometimes my emotions get the best of me.
- It's because of how she was raised.
- Dad I take full responsibility.
I married a real bitch who set a poor example.
Really, I was honored that you thought so much of me to write that song.
And so is my boyfriend, Andrew.
We opened for them.
The point is, we love the song so much, we'd like to buy it for a commercial.
And have you sign some of our T-shirts, Danny.
Sweetheart, not now.
Why would I do anything for you? We "barely know" each other, right? I never should've said that.
We worked together.
Look, I was a mess when I lost that job.
And you were the first person to tell me that there was more out there than jingles.
I was the first? Yeah.
You told me to write from my heart.
And it changed my life.
So that "weird" song was my thank-you to you.
But it doesn't matter, because it didn't mean anything to you anyway, so Maybe you'll like my new song better.
This is a song about somebody that I I thought I knew.
There There is a girl To me she meant all the world You know, he's a much better singer than he is stalker.
And he's a really good stalker.
But I I came to see She's not who I thought she'd be We don't know this is about you.
There was a time when all I knew was Sydney, you're so fine Sydney, you're one of a kind But it's not true I guess it's about you.
I barely knew you But I tried Who could've known I'd be denied By a woman Who in truth Is nothing but cold and aloof? - God, he's hot.
- Right? If I had one wish You wouldn't be so standoffish You barely knew me I barely knew you You barely knew me, Sydney I barely knew you.
Hey, great show, man.
I hope that's pee and not blood.
Why didn't I hope for water? What do you want? I want to tell you how much I loved that last song.
Sure, it didn't paint the nicest picture of my daughter, but still pretty solid.
So much better than that silly love song you wrote her.
You mean the, uh the silly song that you came here to buy? Busted.
Yep.
Danny, can I be honest with you? It's just the two of us in here.
And me.
Roland.
And Roland.
Between the three of us, for one second, can we look at it from her point of view? You scared her.
She threw up her walls.
She rejected you, and then she broke your heart.
But that that's when it happened.
When what happened? You became an artist.
That love song you wrote is a great jingle, but that's all I'll ever be.
But that angry jam that Sydney inspired that's rich with rage and darkness.
That's art.
Stop kissing my ass.
You are laying it on thick.
How long you gonna be in there, Roland? Hey, I'm an artist, too.
I'm just saying great songs don't come from getting the girl.
They come from not getting the girl.
Sydney is like the guy who broke Adele's heart.
Or the mountain goat who broke Neil Young's heart.
I know how Neil feels.
Neil feels, Neil feels that actually rhymes.
I'm gonna write that down.
You see? It's working already.
So, what? You're-you're saying that I-I need Sydney? I'm just saying we both can use this situation to our advantage.
Wait.
What did we agree to? Well, Danny will give us his song for a reasonable price in exchange for you occasionally blowing him off.
"Off.
" Whew.
I thought that was going in another direction.
And if Danny's ever blocked, you have to find some way of, you know, disappointing him.
Yeah, Syd, you can just give him attitude or not return his calls.
This is right in your wheelhouse.
And that will inspire him.
It's genius! Does anyone else think this is weird? Well, Roland had some misgivings, but I think he's on board now.
Sydney, come on.
It's the best of all worlds.
There's no losers.
I don't know.
Syd? Hey.
- You did nothing wrong.
- How could I forget that I was part of the biggest moment in someone's life? You know, maybe Ad Age is right.
Maybe I am cold.
Come on.
So you put up walls.
We all do.
They don't know the real you.
The kind Sydney that we all know.
Tonight didn't make me feel so kind.
Do you remember the night I got back from Australia? God, I hate that country Dad.
Okay.
That trip cost me everything I cared about: my wife, my home everything except you.
You planned a big birthday party for me that night.
Do you know how I repaid you? I think a T-shirt that said "Wish You Were Beer.
" I came home at 2:00 in the morning blitzed out of my mind.
Party was long over, you were asleep.
I was afraid you'd be mad.
You slept on my couch that night.
Do you remember what you did the next morning? No No judgment.
Just a simple gesture of love.
Cake.
Because of that, because of you, I never had another drink.
So, you see, your kindness changed my life, too.
I never knew that.
Exactly.
Okay.
You coming? No, you go along.
I've got a little business I have to discuss with Danny.
Okay.
Two, three, four.
Australia You fill me with hate Australia You're not great Take it away, my man.
I forgot New Zealand is right above you The only thing worse than one of you is two Mmm That is that's nice.
You know what's weird? Hmm? I think it was New Zealand where it all happened.
Key change! Yeah! New Zealand You're so full of sheep Baa, baa, baa, baa New Zealand So much sheep Baa baa baa baa baa baa baa You're almost like a boy soprano.
But they gave us Naomi once.
Nay-omi or Nye-omi? I-I It doesn't matter! That's how I mean, it's so crazy.
Nye-omi, Nay-omi.
Hello, Sydney It's your boyfriend How's it going, how's it Little Joey, hopping about Don't you see, he's walkabout He's got a friend In his pouch He's a man, he's no little slouch Go, Joey.
Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah Show 'em how we do it now We'll be right back.