The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e07 Episode Script

Hey, sorry I'm late.
I was up all night
preparing for my lawsuit.
You know, about that allegedly
sexist cartoon I put up.
I'm, uh, defending myself,
so, uh, I'd like to announce
that the Drew Carey
Legal Defense Fund
is now accepting donations
for court costs.
Come on, for 20 bucks you get a
front-row seat in the courtroom.
For 50 bucks, you get to sit
on my lap in the electric chair.
Oh, well, thanks
for letting me in your carpool.
Well, we needed another member
since Bergman in Housewares
fell off the wagon.
Oh! That's too bad. Um, um..
I-I drink beer,
but I'm only killing time
until my intervention.
We're not alcoholics.
This is the ex-smokers' carpool.
Oh! Good for you.
How long has it been?
No talking!
(together)
Hey!
Gee, sorry.
[sighs]
How's it goin' back there? ♪
You didn't say no singin'
you only said no talkin' ♪
How's it goin' back there? ♪♪
Uh, I need
a piece of nicotine gum.
Uh, I have some, uh, Chiclets,
if that'll help you.
Man!
Next week I'm getting a ride
with the alcoholics.
They may not always get to work
but at least they have fun
tryin'.
Oh, Johnson!
Uh, t-those
are candy cigarettes.
That's part of my therapy.
Here, I'll take those..
Uh! Uh!
No, Johnson. These smell like
real cigarettes to me.
Unfiltered, extra tar. They
don't even have a warning label.
- Come on, give me that!
- Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
I'm gonna drop them!
I'll drop 'em.
Now I'm Mr. Popularity
all of a sudden, huh?
Now we're gonna do things
my way. Ready?
For Drew's a jolly good fellow
for Drew's a jolly good fellow ♪
For Drew's
a jolly good fellow.. ♪
Big finish, come on!
And so say all of us ♪♪
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Uh, Hello, Philip,
yeah, this is, Drew Smith
from the Cleveland
Bar Association.
Yeah, I'm calling all
the lawyers to make sure that
they're up to snuff
on, uh, the laws.
So pop quiz, how would you
defend a guy who's being sued
by another employee
for putting up a cartoon
of a caterpillar
making it with a French fry?
Yeah! Yeah, that's the one.
Uh-huh. Okay, Maxwell versu..
Wait. Maxwell versus Thomas,
'71, right? 1971.
Uh, overturned an appeal,
alright.
Appurtenances not withstanding..
Can you spell
appurtenances for me?
So, I..
Wait, I can't keep.. Wait..
Listen.. Oh.
Listen, can you just tell me
the name of a good, uh,kielbasa
you know, hotdog stand right
by the State Court building?
Uh-huh. Thanks. Okay.
You passed this time,
but just watch it.
- Hey.
- How's it going, Drew?
Well, after a great deal
of legal research
I came up with a strategy.
I got $10,000
and a fake beard in my car.
Anybody wanna go to Canada?
Uh, well,
I'm never gonna win this case.
There's too much to go through,
I can't find anything
in those books that'll help me.
- How did your research go?
- Well, good news.
I did find one case where
someone who wasn't a lawyer
managed to successfully
defend themselves in court.
Now, it was back in 1692,
Macintosh..
Macintosh versus Salem.
Lewis, this wouldn't happen
to be a witch trial, would it?
Well, it doesn't specify,
but this Macintosh woman
got all her charges dropped
by allowing herself
to be burned to death.
- 'So it can be done.'
- And the bad news?
Well, freedom of speech
protection doesn't apply
to cases of sexual harassment.
How did I harass Nora
by puttin' up that cartoon?
Define sexual harassment for me.
Well, simply put,
sexual harassment
is any unwelcomed
sexual advance.
That's every sexual advance
I make!
Oh, Drew, I know a lot of women
who would find your sexual
advances perfectly welcome.
Oh, yeah?
Give me your best three.
Three? You want three?
How about you? Did you get
any dirt on this woman?
Well, I followed her
like you said
and I got a lot of pictures.
Okay.
This is some litter
I think Nora dropped.
This is a parking meter that ran
out right after Nora drove off.
These are some
really young kids smoking.
This is a ghetto.
This is hatred.
And this is hunger.
What does any of this
have to do with Nora?
Nothing!
I'm sorry, Drew.
I couldn't find anything.
[sighs]
Well, I might as well
get this over with.
I need a big favor
from you guys.
On the off chance
that I lose this case
I wanna make sure
my assets are protected.
So, Kate,
I need you to sign here
to take care
of the title to my car.
And, Lewis, buddy,
I need your signature here
to take over
the deed to my house.
Oh, I don't know, Drew.
I was hoping my first home might
be somethin' a little nicer.
[instrumental music]
Wow! Employee of the month.
salesman of the year..
This is a very impressive
resume, Mr. Shultz.
Uh, I just have
one last question, um..
What do you think
of that cartoon?
Uh, it's funny. Very clever.
I'm glad you said that because,
see here, at Winfred-Louder
we just don't want
the best salesman.
We want the salesman
with the best sense of humor.
People without humor
cause trouble.
[laughing]
Oh, that reminds me of a joke.
Uh, but I shouldn't.
- Come on. You can tell me.
- Oh, it's a bit off-color.
- I won't tell.
- Okay.
Three guys go into a bar,
Mr. Shultz.
A priest, a rabbi and a Kraut.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm sorry, did I say Kraut?
I meant a priest,
a rabbi and an Indian.
American-Indian
or Indian from India?
- Both.
- Gotcha.
[chuckles]
Actually, it was a priest,
a rabbi, a Kraut, two Indians
three feminists, a dolphin,
a gay guy and a honky.
Go on.
Mr. Shultz,
welcome to Winfred-Louder!
Alright. Thank you.
Oh, Drew, I've got
a little something for you.
Yeah, I got a little something
for you, too, but the other one
is jammed in the chamber.
You know, I think, uh,
I think Hitler's in that joke--
Uh, take it easy, pal.
You got the job.
Mimi, is this thing for real?
New company policy.
Any big words
you want me to explain?
They can't force people to take
down all their personal stuff
just 'cause it might offend
somebody.
Uh, calendars, religious
symbols, personal photographs.
- This covers everything.
- Not quite.
You're still here.
Oh, like you could throw me out.
I'd like to try.
Wait, let me call
the Nature Channel
so I can get this one on tape.
[instrumental music]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Thanks for coming.
- Alright.
So, uh, do I look like a lawyer?
Yeah, if you're
debating Lincoln.
- Well, I think I look good.
- Hm.
I'm hopin' the other lawyers
wear clamdiggers.
- You're gonna do great.
- Yeah.
I am so proud of you
right now, man!
I mean, this is scary as hell.
You're defending yourself
against real lawyers
knowing next to nothing
about the justice system.
And then some judge,
who's a complete stranger
is gonna decide your fate. Wow!
Oh. Thosekielbasasaren't
sitting so good right now.
Mr. Carey, I just, uh,
wanna wish you
good luck before we get started.
I gotta admire somebody with the
courage to defend themselves.
Well, you don't need a lawyer
when you have
truth on your side.
[laughing]
Uh, and thunder?
That's just God bowling.
[laughing]
I'm screwed.
All rise for
the Honorable Judge White.
Morning, everyone.
Please be seated.
If the prosecution has an
opening statement, it may begin.
Uh, before that, Your Honor,
I'd like to motion that
this case be dismissed
on the grounds
that it's just another
nuisance lawsuit that's wasting
taxpayer money
and your valuable time
which could be better spent
modeling.
Given that this is a case
about sexual harassment
would you like
to rephrase that, Mr. Carey?
It was the modeling part, right?
Alright,
just don't take that down.
Hey, uh, stop typing.
Knock it off!
I said knock it off!
The person who types this
is an idiot.
[gavel bangs]
Sit down, Mr. Carey.
- Thank you.
- 'You're welcome.'
Your Honor, the prosecution
will present a preponderance
of evidence that the defendant,
Mr. Drew Carey
'harassed the plaintiff,
Ms. Nora O'Dougherty'
'by forcing her to read
offensive material'
included in a company memo.
And this led to the creation
of a hostile work environment.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
If the defense has an opening
statement, you may begin.
Your Honor, I will show
that this case is
completely ridiculous,
we'll all have a good laugh
and then, drinks are on me.
- Hey! Alright!
- Hey! Alright, alright!
[gavel bangs]
Ms. Bobeck, would you mind
telling us your reaction
when you saw the cartoon?
I thought it was sexist.
The French fry was saying no
but the caterpillar
was forcing her.
Objection!
Your Honor, the witness
is expressing opinion
regarding the gender
of the French fry.
The cartoon doesn't say
whether the fry is female.
Yes, but the French fry
is being mounted.
Yes, but men can be mounted.
You know, some men.
- Sustained!
- Whoo! Yeah!
[gavel banging]
Sorry, Your Honor,
it's just, you know, it's my
it's my first objection.
No further questions,
Your Honor.
The defense may cross-examine.
Uh, Ms. Bobeck,
if that is your real name..
would you mind telling the
court exactly what you told me
in the court hallway, right
before we started this morning?
And remember,
there were witnesses.
I said, "I think
you're a disgusting pig
and I hate your guts
with an all-consuming passion."
After that.
"I'd do anything I have to
to get you put away."
- After that.
- "You four-eyed butt weasel."
Your Honor, I'd like you
to consider this witness'
testimony impeached,
and I'd also like to request
a ten-minute recess,
because, well, that hurt.
Dr. Singer, in your opinion
as a psychiatrist
does Ms. O'Dougherty suffer
from any of the symptoms
commonly associated with being
a victim of a hostile workplace?
Yes. She suffers
from all of them.
No further questions,
Your Honor.
Dr. Singer, would you mind
telling us exactly
you know,
what those symptoms are?
Well, uh, the victim often
suffers a loss of self-esteem.
They may feel abused, worthless
and have difficulty
performing their job.
That's half the country
on a Monday.
Isn't it possible that she
suffered from these symptoms
before she saw the cartoon?
Oh, it's possible, but in light
of that cartoon, I don't see--
I get, I get, Dr. Singer,
did, did you even
see the cartoon
that offended Ms. O'Dougherty?
- Yes.
- Well, then tell the truth.
- Didn't you find it funny?
- No!
Really? Not a little bit?
Not even a chuckle or a smirk?
- No.
- Well then, Dr. Singer.
Just what do you find funny?
Pauly Shore.
[taps]
No further questions,
Your Honor.
And what was your reaction
when you saw the cartoon
Ms. O'Dougherty?
How did it make you feel?
I-I felt harassed
sexually.
Mm, and, uh, it made
my workplace feel very hostile.
And did this affect
your performance on the job?
Oh, not at first, but then
he put that cartoon
up on the wall of his cubicle
and I had to face it every day.
I-I couldn't stop
thinking about it.
I couldn't sleep,
I couldn't eat.
I, I..
[sobbing]
That caterpillar is smiling.
[sobbing]
Your Honor,
I request a short recess.
Uh, this has been very difficult
on my client.
Granted. The court will take
a 15-minute recess.
[sobbing]
(Nora)
'Oh, my God..'
Hey, call me crazy,
but I think we got 'em!
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Man, if I wasn't in
deep enough already.
The judge is tough,
her lawyer's a shark.
And these suspenders
are chaffing my nipples.
And Nora, with that crying..
I mean, come on.
She must have been up all night
rehearsin' that.
Well, two can play that game.
When I testify tomorrow,
just give me the signal
and the tears will pour.
I'll tell you,
crying's gotten me out of fights
and speeding tickets
and really bad sex.
You know, there's a,
a great story behind that one
but it's, uh,
it's not flattering.
Oh, Drew,
I can make myself sneeze.
I can vomit at will.
Listen, thanks, guys,
but I-I don't think
it's gonna come down to that,
I mean, uh..
I don't think
things are going that badly.
What do you guys think?
I'm wondering if a lap pool
would fit in your backyard.
What are you talking about?
Oh, Drew wanted
to protect his assets
so he signed his car over to me
and his house over to Lewis.
- Oh!
- It's just a legal maneuver.
Oswald, they're not really
gettin' anything.
Oh. I-I see.
You can give anything
to two of your friends
while I can't be trusted
with nothing.
Oswald, I'd be honored
if you took my stereo.
You can listen to it
over at my new house.
Oh, come on. I'm not gonna lose.
I got everything under control.
Hey, Drew, 'cause of you
I had to take down
my Girls on Corvettes calendar.
I just wanna say I support
your right to be a moron.
- Alright.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
I could take him! Does anyone
doubt I could take him?
- No! No, no.
- No! No, no.
Yeah, alright. Alright.
You know, if you were
half the man she is
you wouldn't keep taking this.
Look, Jimmy,
it's been a long day.
- So just back off, okay?
- Hey, Drew.
Let me know if you find
any of these fries attractive.
I've been waiting to tag this
guy since high school, Drew.
And now that he's had 30 beers,
I think I could take him.
No, Oswald. Just ignore him.
[sighs]
My leg fell asleep.
Go ahead. I'll watch your table.
[clamoring]
[instrumental music]
Was Mr. Carey aware of what time
we were starting today?
Yes, Your Honor.
Morning. Ha-ha-ha.
Sorry I was late,
but we had this big lockdown
and then they made us all
count off.
Mr. Carey, would you care
to explain this to the court?
Oh, it's really
just a long story.
Has nothing to do with the case.
- What are the charges?
- Aggravated assault.
But, you know, enough about me.
Your Honor, I'd like
to get things rollin' along
'cause I-I have another hearing
in an hour.
Call your first witness.
[clears throat]
The defense calls
Ms. Kate O'Brien.
Sorry we couldn't
bail you out, man.
The judge wanted you to cool off
for a night in the tank.
That's okay, Oswald.
Jail made me stronger.
And I learned
that which doesn't kill you
will protect you
for two cartons of Kools.
Mr. Carey..
Ms. O'Brien, uh, what is
your opinion
of the defendant's character?
He's great. He's really sweet
and good-natured.
I'd say he's one of the most
wonderful guys in the world.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You think
the defendant is handsome?
- Um--
- Remember, you're under oath.
Objection. Irrelevant.
I was just trying to add
a little levity, Your Honor.
I believe that's why you're here
in the first place.
Get on with it.
Uh, Ms. O'Brien, you work at the
Winfred-Louder department store.
Were you offended
by that cartoon?
Offended?
Let me tell you something.
I consider myself to be
modest and old-fashioned.
But when I saw that cartoon,
I almost peed my pants!
Hell, I was thinking
about having that
sucker tattooed on my--
Objection!
She's your witness, Mr. Carey.
- Not anymore, she ain't.
- What?
You can have her. See if
she does any better for you.
As long as I have known Drew,
I've never
heard him tell a dirty joke.
He's never said
a disparaging word to a lady.
He's kind to animals.
And not just the cute ones.
And does the defendant
give to charities?
Yes, he certainly does,
I didn't mention that
because I didn't wanna
embarrass him.
You see, you see,
he's also the humble
most humble man I know.
And this is
your unbiased opinion?
You are not being paid
nor are you
under any financial obligation
to the defendant?
Not anymore.
No further questions,
Your Honor.
Yes.
No.
I mean, yes.
Would you repeat the question?
Do you swear to tell the truth..
the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?
You know what? No further
questions, Your Honor.
In summation, we've established
that Ms. O'Dougherty
was forced to view the cartoon
and has suffered the indignities
of a hostile workplace.
Your Honor, I know you will
award the damages we request.
I only hope that will
put an end to the trauma.
Thank you.
The defense may offer
its closing argument.
I think it's time we see
what all the fuss is about.
[gasps]
Oh!
Oh, give me a break!
Your Honor, this is outrageous.
My client shouldn't have
to face this obscenity.
I ask that she be allowed
to leave the courtroom.
The plaintiff may be excused.
Oh, oh..
Boy, was it me or was she
dragging this whole place down?
Mr. Carey, I do not want to hear
another emotional outburst.
Alright. Then here's my closing
statement. This is insane!
Alright, here's a joke
that won't offend anybody.
A person and a person
walk into a place.
There. That's it. Thank you.
Has everyone in this country
lost their sense of humor?
Geez, what are we livin' in,
China?
You know the guy
at Tiananmen Square?
He wasn't trying to stop a tank.
He was trying to tell
a funny knock-knock joke.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"A big-ass tank!"
And in summation
lighten up, people.
The court accepts that
as your statement.
Bailiff, retrieve the plaintiff
for the verdict.
- What do you think?
- Oh, man.
I think when you see
that little cartoon on a memo
it's one thing, but when
you blow it up like that
guh, it's disgusting!
I've reached a decision.
The court finds
that the plaintiff was forced
to view material
that she considered offensive.
Oh, man.
Mr. Carey, may I digress
for a moment to tell you
that the person who did most
damage to your case was you.
Hey, Kate was pretty bad.
At any rate, given that
the material in question
is a cartoon
about a caterpillar making
advances towards a French fry
the court finds
that this was not so egregious
as to create
a hostile workplace.
And therefore the judgment
is for the defendant
Mr. Carey, case dismissed.
- Whoo!
- Yeah, party!
- Whoo!
- Yes!
- Yeah, yeah!
- Ooh!
I won! I won! I won!
[instrumental music]
- Hey!
- Congratulations!
You guys didn't have to go
to all this trouble.
Oh, no trouble at all,
we didn't get the idea
till you ordered the burger
and, well, that candle's
been in this ashtray for weeks.
Hm.
Why don't you make a wish,
buddy?
I wish that intolerance
and censorship be vanquished
by the forces of truth,
justice and liberty.
Aww..
But since that'll never happen
Cindy Crawford's in
a wool bikini and I'm a moth.
Whoo!
You know, there's still one
thing I'm curious about, though.
The whole plausibility of
this confused attraction thing.
Well..
A caterpillar..
a French fry.
Now, technically
this caterpillar
should not be aroused
because this French fry
is not exuding any pheromones.
He's headed towards it.
Hey, is that another caterpillar
I see in front of me?
Kind of oily, but, hey,
the bar's about to close.
[chuckles]
It's not easy
being a crinkle-cut French fry.
All the good fries
are either married or gay.
Look at that!
The caterpillar's going for it.
Oh! Alright-a!
[chuckles]
Is it just me, or is anyone else
getting turned on?
It's just me, isn't it?
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]