The Exes (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

Stuart! Come on, man.
You've been in there for, like, 45 minutes.
What's taking so long? Almost there.
Just deciding on the right shoes to go with the outfit.
Buddy, we're going to the bar to meet women, not turn into them.
Hi.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, somebody's on the hunt.
I haven't had a date in months.
This Kitty needs to prowl.
So what's the hold up? Stuart.
He's trying to find shoes to match his purse.
Listen, Phil, thank you so much for letting him tag along.
You know, he's just getting back in the game.
So try to be patient with him, okay? Hey, princess, let's shake it! You know, if you're in a hurry, uh, you can go ahead.
Oh, no way.
I need you guys.
There's nothing more pathetic than the solo walk-in.
It's like you're saying: "I'm just here to drink and meet a man," and I don't like to tip my hand that early.
All right, let's go get some ladies.
Some lovely ladies, some luscious ladies.
Maybe the solo walk-in wouldn't be so bad.
All right, easy, easy.
A little left, a little left.
Angle it, angle it, angle it, angle it! Okay, fellas.
[Door shuts.]
UmI'll go first.
Haskell, what's with the coffin? Well, I was taking my after dinner constitutional when this guy walks up to me and he says, "hey, want to buy a coffin? It's in my van in the alley.
" So being a street-smart new yorker, I said, "sure.
" Haskell, you can't keep a coffin in the apartment.
It's weird.
Why? We let you in.
Trust me, it won't be here long.
I'll put up some posters in the building, and someone will grab it.
In fact, I just saw old Mrs.
Snyder in the lobby, looking particularly creaky.
It was like she was giving death a piggyback ride.
[Upbeat pop music.]
Ah, well, thank you for the walk-in, boys.
Now mama needs to fly solo.
All right, I feel like getting crazy tonight.
Ah, what's in a "pomerita"? One shot of tequila, no shot of getting a woman.
Barkeep, two beers please.
- Hey oh, hey.
- Hi.
How we doing over here? We're doing all right.
Yeah, well, maybe we could do better than all right.
Yeah, my name is Phillip, this here's my friend Hi, Dr.
Stuart Gardner, dds.
I'm a dentist and I'm divorced.
Although the dds stands for "dentist," not "divorced.
" Although it could stand for "divorced dentist Stuart," that just occurred to me.
Wow.
If I ever feel like I'm having too much sex, you're my wingman.
Stuart, only way you can get this right is if you do it on your own, okay? SoFly, baby bird.
Fly away from the nest.
- Yeah, but - Yeah, yeah.
Fly, fly, fly, be free.
Be free.
- Stuart.
- Hm? Stuart, okay.
[Clears throat.]
So the really cute guy that just moved into our building is sitting right over there.
No, don't look! I need to figure out a way to meet him.
Why don't you just go up and say "hi, I'm Holly"? The world's just rainbows and butterflies with you, isn't it, Stuart? Here's the plan, okay? You are going to pretend to harass me.
And then I'll protest and sit at his table for protection.
Come on, it'll work.
Let's go, come on.
Okay, yeah, all right.
Excuse me, miss, if you're free for dinner Get your hand off my ass, you freak! Can I sit here? This guy's been bothering me all night.
Sure.
Hi, I'm Jason.
Hey, I'm Holly.
Don't we live in the same building? We do? Talk about fate.
- Or just good luck.
- Yeah.
So, um, when did you and your wife move in? Oh, a couple weeks ago, and I'm not married.
Oh, my God.
I'm not [Gagging.]
You okay? I it's just a popcorn kernel went down the [Gagging sounds.]
Can I get you a glass of water? - I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Yeah? Just tell me more about yourself.
Okay.
Let's see, um I'm an architect.
Oh, my God, I'm such a big fan of buildings.
[Choking.]
Okay, you know what, I've got an early morning tomorrow.
I hope we can see each other around the building.
Really sorry.
Okay.
Oh, my God, it just went down.
Wait! So [Chuckling.]
I get it.
You're into me.
I'm into you.
I think we're speaking the same language.
[Speaks serbian.]
I'm sorry, what? [Speaking serbian.]
[Replying in serbian.]
[Laughs.]
[Speaking serbian.]
You speak foreign hot girl? - Serbian.
- Oh.
And yes, I-I have a lot of serf patients.
I thought it would help my practice if I learned the language.
[Speaking serbian.]
[Replying in serbian.]
See you later, Phil.
Oh, hey! [Laughing.]
Stuart, buddy, what's the rush? Well, I could help you with the language, but the only way you're going to learn to do this right is if you fly, baby bird, fly.
Oh, come on, man, look.
Look, look, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, man, help me out with this, please? - All right.
- Okay, all right.
- What's her name? - Tatiana.
Whoo! Even her name is hot.
Why don't you come over here and sit down? And tell Tatiana she looks absolutely beautiful.
[Conversing in serbian.]
She says you're sweet and you have a sexy smile.
Yeah.
Uh, or she said you have too many teeth.
I'm still getting used to the accent.
Uh, yeah, well, uh, ask her what's she doing in New York.
[Conversing in serbian.]
She's a lingerie model.
Pow! [Grunting.]
All right, uh Tell her it's awfully noisy in here.
Uh, why doesn't she come up to the apartment for a drink? Uh, that's kind of quick, isn't it, Phil? I mean Stuart, not in my world.
Just say it.
You're going to scare her off if - Please? - Just say it.
[Conversing in serbian.]
She bought it.
Wow, I just picked up a lingerie model.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, ha-ha! Congratulations, I'll let you know if you get lucky.
Come on.
[Humming vigorously.]
A beauty, ain't it? - Bye-bye.
- Oh, no! No, no, no.
No, no, stay, stay.
Haskell, do something about that thing.
It's a mood killer.
There.
Now it's decor.
So here Come on in.
[Loudly.]
Have a seat.
Hello.
[Speaking serbian.]
I'm sorry, what? [Speaking serbian.]
[Popping sound.]
Oh! I get it.
You want champagne.
Champagne.
Da! Da.
Perfect.
Listen, I'm going to go find some champagne.
You keep Tatiana company.
I think I could suffer through that.
All right.
[Chatting in serbian.]
Haskell, it's an emergency.
Tatiana wants champagne.
Do we have any champagne? Yeah, I put some in the fridge.
Behind the caviar, the truffles, and my date with Scarlett Johansson.
Tatiana? Bye-bye.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No bye-bye.
Stuart, where's my model going? We talked about her family and if it was hard being away.
She got a little homesick, so she's going to go call them.
[Speaking serbian.]
Oh, she wants to have dinner with you tomorrow night.
- Yeah, really? - Yeah, mm-hm.
- Da.
- Da? Da.
Da! - Bye-bye.
- Whoa, bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, she forgot her purse.
Ah, Tatiana, I think I [Speaks in serbian.]
Are you sure this is going to work? You want another shot at meeting Jason, right? Yeah, I really thought we had had a connection until I started hocking up a furball.
Then trust me, this will work, okay? We break into his mailbox, stick your mail in it, he'll think it got there by mistake.
And he'll come back to your apartment.
God, you're a sneaky little thing, aren't you? - Ladies.
- Hello.
What a beautiful day to be alive.
All that baby needs is the right buyer.
Hello, Mrs.
Snyder.
How you feeling? I keep telling you, I'm fine.
Your mouth says yes, but your skin color says no.
[Knock at door.]
Oh, it's you.
I take it that means Jason hasn't come by yet? No.
What kind of creep keeps somebody else's mail? He just went from "potential boyfriend" to "identity thief.
" [Knock at door.]
It's him.
[Excited squeal.]
Oh.
Mind if I stash my coffin here? I've always dreamt of some man saying that to me.
Well, Phil has a date, and for some reason, he thinks it's a mood killer.
Yeah, he's right, and no.
Sure, why should you help me? A simple man trying to scratch out an honest living.
Maybe even send his mother a check every now and then.
All right, Haskell.
And wheel lock.
Hey, he's not coming, is he? [Sighs.]
I'm going to go get some wine and ice cream.
Throw in some Kitty litter and you got the sad woman trifecta.
Haskell, whenever Phil's date's done, you get this ghoulish box out of here.
I don't know why everybody's so squeamish about this thing.
It's not like there's a dead body in it.
No, we're okay.
Stuart, come on, man.
Tatiana's going to be here any second.
Great.
Now, remember I want to keep it light tonight.
Mm-hm, got it.
What's that smell? You wearing my cologne? Yeah, I borrowed some.
I think it'll avoid confusion if I smell like you.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Greeting in serbian.]
Damn, girl, you look hot.
[Translating.]
Stuart, do me a favor.
And tell her she looks even more beautiful than she did last night.
[Translating.]
Oh.
[Speaks serbian.]
Uh, she said, "thank you.
" [Giggling.]
[Conversing in serbian.]
What's up with the hand grab, man? What'd you say to her? Nothing.
No, I no, I just said that I agree with what you said.
Oh, okay.
Don't do that.
It's my line.
[Laughs.]
No more piggybacking, justTranslate.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
Now, tell her that I have an amazing night planned for us.
Yeah, we're going to go to dinner and a club.
And some dancing.
[Translating.]
Ooh! [Speaks serbian.]
She said that sounds awesome.
Yeah, it's going to be.
[Conversing in serbian.]
Another hand grab! Stuart, kitchen, now please.
Stuart, what's going on? What are you talking about? Aw, come on, man, the laughing, the hand grabbing, borrowing my cologne.
Admit it.
You like her.
[Scoffs.]
No, I how could you say that? That's wh Okay, I'm crazy about her.
Mm-hm.
I tried, Phil, I tried, I tried to resist, but [Stammering.]
Look, I'm going to back off.
I mean, the last thing I would want to do is steal her from you.
[Laughs.]
You? Steal her from me? Dr.
Stuart gardner, dds, is going to steal a lingerie model from me? [Laughs.]
I don't know why that sounds so crazy.
I am the one who picked her up in the first place.
Yeah, with my words, man, come on.
And by the way, all of this here.
Well, maybe it was the way your words were said by all of this Here.
All right, you know what, look, this is ridiculous.
We can't fight over her.
There's not a fight.
Dude, you're not even in the ring.
You're in the stands eating hot dogs.
Oh, okay, all right.
If you're so confident, then why don't we let her decide? Okay, why don't we let her decide? Tatiana [Speaking Serbian.]
Da? [Conversing in serbian.]
- Phil? - Mm? [Speaking Serbian.]
Yeah, she said something about "chemistry," blah, blah, blah.
Nice try, buddy, I can see it in her eyes.
[Speaking Serbian.]
She said she's hot for me too.
What? [Continuing in Serbian.]
Well, what'd she say? Who'd she pick? You.
Yeah! And me.
What? Wait a second.
She wants to date both of us? Oh, she didn't use the word "date.
" You know what, this is ridiculous.
I'm going to go in there and tell her it ain't happening, all right? Grab a snack, I'll be right back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know what, you know what, I, um I think it should probably be me to go and tell her because, you know, I speak the language.
Oh, no, no, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
All right, look.
Look, we got to face it.
The only way either one of us has a shot is if it's both of us.
So what do we do? Phil.
Stuart? [Giggling.]
[Whispering in Serbian.]
What'd she say? She wants us to kiss each other.
We're done.
That's it for me.
Oh, Holly, wait, wait.
Wow.
Wow right back at you.
Um Your mail got put in my box by mistake, so Here it is.
Is something wrong? Are you okay? YeahUh, no.
You got a little something right Here.
Oh, my gosh.
I'll see you.
Wait, I don't Look like this.
I just got caught in the rain.
And, um, at the bar the other day, when I was [Choking noise.]
You know, I just I had a piece of popcorn Can we just start over please? Sure.
Thanks.
Hi, I'm Holly.
Hi, I'm Jason.
[Laughter.]
You want to come in for a drink so I can prove I'm not the building weirdo? - I would like that.
- And get this crap off my face.
Oh, well.
[Groans.]
Good evening.
- [Gasps.]
- Oh, no, no, no! Wait, come back! I'm not the building weirdo! Phil, I'm sorry that I messed up your date with Tatiana.
I broke the guy rules.
Nah, with a woman that hot, there are no rules.
Hey, guys.
My night was a total bust.
Yeah, welcome to the club.
Oh, yeah? Anybody want to go see a movie? - Yeah, sure, I'll go.
- Yeah, me too.
Oh, great.
We'll make it a threesome.