The Fall Guy (1981) s01e07 Episode Script

WELL, I'M NOT THE KIND TO KISS AND TELL BUT I'VE BEEN SEEN WITH FARRAH I'VE NEVER BEEN WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN A NINE SO FINE I'VE BEEN ON FIRE WITH SALLY FIELD GONE FAS WITH A GIRL NAMED BO BUT SOMEHOW THEY JUS DON'T END UP AS MINE IT'S A DEATH-DEFYIN' LIFE I LEAD I TAKE MY CHANCES I DIE FOR A LIVIN' IN THE MOVIES AND TV [ Siren Wailing .]
BUT THE HARDEST THING I EVER DO IS WATCH MY LEADING LADIES KISS SOME OTHER GUY WHILE I'M BANDAGIN' MY KNEE I MIGHT FALL FROM A TALL BUILDIN' I MIGHT ROLL A BRAND-NEW CAR 'CAUSE I'M THE UNKNOWN STUNTMAN THAT MADE REDFORD SUCH A STAR [ Women Vocalizing .]
I'VE NEVER SPEN MUCH TIME IN SCHOOL BUT I'VE TAUGH LADIES PLENTY IT'S TRUE I HIRE MY BODY OUT FOR PAY HEY, HEY I'VE GOTTEN BURNED OVER CHERYL TIEGS BLOWN UP FOR RAQUEL WELCH BUT WHEN I WIND UP IN THE HAY, IT'S ONLY HAY HEY, HEY I MIGHT JUMP AN OPEN DRAWBRIDGE OR TARZAN FROM A VINE 'CAUSE I'M THE UNKNOWN STUNTMAN THAT MAKES EASTWOOD LOOK SO FINE [ Colt Narrating .]
THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE OF AMERICA'S GREAT UNSUNG HEROES.
I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN HIM, BUT YOU NEVER KNEW WHO HE WAS.
YOU'VE CHEERED FOR HIM AND CRIED FOR HIM, WOMEN HAVE WANTED TO DIE FOR HIM.
BUT DID HE EVER GET ANY CREDIT? OR THE GIRL? NO.
HE WAS WHAT WE CALL A STUNTMAN.
AND THE REASON I'M TALKIN' SO FONDLY ABOUT HIM IS-- WELL, BECAUSE IT'S ME, COLT SEAVERS.
ANYWAY, PICTURE WORK ISN'T WALL-TO-WALL EMPLOYMENT.
SO MAYBE YOU WONDER HOW A GUY KEEPS HIS HEAD TOGETHER.
WELL, ONE WAY IS TO WAIT BY THE PHONE AND WAIT AND WAIT.
THE OTHER IS TO TAKE AN OCCASIONAL JOB FOR THE COURT SYSTEM OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, WHERE A MAN IS CONSIDERED INNOCEN UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.
UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES A LO OF THESE PEOPLE GET OUT OF JAIL ON WHAT WE CALL BAIL.
AND THEY RUN LIKE HELL.
THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.
I SOMETIMES PICK UP RENT MONEY TRYIN' TO FIND THEM AND BRING THEM BACK TO JUSTICE.
TODAY I'VE GOTTA GO TO THE STUDIO TO TEACH HOWIE MARTIAL ARTS.
IT CAN COME IN REAL HANDY.
[ Man .]
OKAY.
READY, ACTION! [ Narrator Imitating Bogart .]
SHE WAS STARING AT ME FROM ACROSS THE ROOM.
I COULD TELL FROM THE GLEAM IN HER EYE THAT SHE WAS HUNGRY.
I NEEDED INFORMATION.
SHE NEEDED A MAN.
WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER.
HIYA, BABY.
[ Groans .]
[ Man .]
CUT! IT'S A PRINT.
WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
THAT WAS GREAT! - HEY, JAMIE.
ON YOUR BACK AGAIN.
- HEY, COLT! [ Chuckles .]
[ Chuckles .]
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU? I TOLD YOU, YOU OUGHTA LET YOUR STUNTMAN HANDLE THAT ROUGH STUFF.
IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE.
THEY WANTED ME IN THE DRESS.
DON'T FORGET, YOU'VE DONE SOME OF YOUR BEST WORK IN A DRESS.
HEY, BY THE WAY, WHERE'S THE PROJECTION ROOM? THATAWAY.
AH.
THANK YOU.
[ Men Clamoring On Speaker .]
[ Clamoring Continues .]
[ Colt .]
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET YOU TO WHERE YOU CAN DO ALL THIS INSIDE FOUR WEEKS, AND WE'VE GO THEIR NEXT PICTURE.
COLT, IT'S A "P" OF "C"-- PIECE OF CAKE.
I TOOK MARTIAL ARTS AT PENN STATE.
[ Colt .]
I THOUGHT IT WAS COLORADO "U.
" OH, YEAH.
IT WAS.
[ Martial Arts Yells .]
HEY, JOE.
HEY.
HOW ARE YA DOIN'? HOW ARE YA DOIN'? GOOD TO SEE YA.
HOWIE, JODY, YOU'RE LOOKIN' A THE FULL CONTACT KARATE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, JOE LEWIS.
UH, FULL CONTAC CHAMPION? IS THIS THE ADVANCED STUDEN YOU CALLED ME ABOUT, COLT? YEP.
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TEACH ME, COLT.
- HEY, KID, I'M GETTIN' TOO OLD, TOO LAZY AND TOO TIRED TO TEACH YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.
SO I FIGURED I'D LE THE GUY THAT TAUGHT ME TEACH YOU.
HOW MUCH DOES HE KNOW, COLT? WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT, UH, I HOPE YOU'VE CLEARED A LOT OF YOUR TIME.
I'LL FINISH MY BEER.
YOU SHOW 'EM, HOWIE.
I JUST WANT TO START OFF WITH A SIMPLE, BASIC PRINCIPLE OF DISTANCING, JUST TO SEE IF WE'VE KINDA COME FROM THE SAME SCHOOL, OKAY? I WENT TO ALL THE SCHOOLS, SO THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
OKAY.
WE HAVE THREE SEPARATE DISTANCES.
NOW, NOTICE, FROM THIS DISTANCE THAT BASICALLY ALL I CAN DO IS MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE JUDO THROWS, JUJITSU ARM LOCKS, CHOKE HOLDS-- THINGS LIKE INSIDE GRAPPLING.
THEN, NEXT WE HAVE THE OUTSIDE DISTANCE LINE.
FROM HERE BASICALLY ALL I CAN DO IS, MAYBE-- HEY.
[ Chuckles .]
STUFF LIKE THAT.
- GOT IT? - [ Howie .]
FUNDAMENTAL.
LET ME CHECK TO SEE WHAT KINDA POWER YOU GO IN YOUR KICKS, ALL RIGHT? OKAY.
COLT, CAN YOU THROW ME THAT FOCUS PAD? SURE.
YEAH.
I JUST WANT YOU TO HIT ME AS HARD AS YOU CAN WITH YOUR BEST KICK.
LOTS OF POWER, OKAY? I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR THIS.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Shouts .]
[ Laughs .]
-OH, YOU'RE KIDDIN' ME, RIGHT, COLT? -I WOULDN'T KID WITH HIM, HOWIE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHANGE NOW.
I WANT YOU TO HOLD IT.
NOW I'M GONNA GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE KINDA POWER THAT YOU CAN REALLY GE IN ONE OF THESE KICKS.
- OKAY? - GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT, JOE.
GO ON.
NOW BRACE YOURSELF REALLY HARD.
OKAY.
OKAY? YEAH.
[ Grunts .]
[ Crashes, Clattering .]
JODY, I THINK I'M GONNA NEED A SIX-PACK.
AH.
SEE? HUH? IT'S SPEED, RIGHT? IT'S NOT WEAPONS.
[ Joe .]
NOW WEAPONS AREN'T IMPORTANT.
THE THING THAT'S IMPORTAN IS YOU.
[ Whispers .]
COLT.
EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.
IT'S YOUR ABILITY TO USE YOUR MIND-- EXCUSE ME.
TO MAKE USE OF ANYTHING THAT'S AROUND YOU.
RIGHT HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
FOR EXAMPLE, I COULD USE THAT ROPE.
I COULD USE HER COAT, OR-- LOOK, THROW ME THAT SCRIPT.
TAKE A SIMPLE SCRIPT, ALL RIGHT? ROLL IT UP QUICKLY.
WHAT HAVE I GOT? JUST LIKE A STICK.
NOW LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO USE IT.
NOW LET'S IMAGINE WE WERE IN A STREET FIGHT.
AND WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS TAKE YOUR BEST PUNCH RIGHT AT MY HEAD.
GO AHEAD.
LOOKS AWFULLY DANGEROUS TO ME.
THAT'S CONCENTRATION.
[ Martial Arts Yelling .]
[ Crashes, Clattering .]
I TOLD YOU IT WAS DANGEROUS.
- ALL OF THIS IS DANGEROUS.
- YOU OKAY? WHAT KIND OF SECURITY CAN YOU REALLY GE WORKING AS A STUNTMAN? [ Joe Chattering .]
WHY RISK YOUR LIFE DAY IN AND DAY OUT WHEN YOU COULD MAKE A NICE, COMFORTABLE LIVING WORKING WITH ME FULL-TIME? RIGHT, NOTHIN' TO FEAR BUT A BULLET BETWEEN MY EARS OR A KNIFE IN MY BACK OR JUST PLAIN GETTIN' MY NOSE PUNCHED.
I WOULDN'T LET THA HAPPEN TO YOU.
HUH.
THAT'S WHAT JOE SAID TO THE KID.
- [ Groans .]
- [ Joe Continues Chattering .]
LET'S GET BACK TO CASES.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOU THE RIO BROTHERS? RIO? OH, THOSE JOKERS? MEANS A FREE TRIP TO HAWAII.
[ Sighs .]
- [ Mouthing Words .]
- KEEP TALKIN'.
WELL, THIS IS HOW I SEE IT.
SO THESE ARE THE RIO BROTHERS.
WHAT DID THESE GUYS DO TO EARN THEMSELVES A $25,000 BOND? WELL, THEY STARTED OU KENTUCKY MOONSHINING, THEN DECIDED TO GO BIG-TIME BY SLAPPING THEIR FIREWATER INTO FANCY BOTTLES.
AND I GUESS SOME OF THE BONDED LABEL CUSTOMERS WEREN'T TOO PLEASED WITH THE RIO BREW.
WHAT ARE THEY DOIN' IN HAWAII? WELL, THEY MUST BE UP TO SOMETHING.
THAT'S WHERE THEY WERE HEADED WHEN THE F.
B.
I.
PICKED THEM UP AT L.
A.
X.
YOU MEAN THEY GOT OU OF JAIL AND WENT RIGHT BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL TRAVEL PLANS? YOU GOT IT.
AND WE GE A PAID VACATION.
ALOHA! SHE'D LOOK SO NICE IN A GRASS SKIRT.
YOU CAN'T COME ALONG, JODY.
WHY NOT? I HELPED WITH THE RIO BROTHERS, AND YOU KNOW I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
LOOK.
SAMANTHA JACK IS NOT THE WORLD'S MOST GENEROUS EMPLOYER.
NOT EVEN WITH A PROSPECTIVE PARTNER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, THE JOB JUST DOESN' PAY ENOUGH FOR YOUR TICKET.
I'M SORRY.
LOCK UP WHEN YOU LEAVE, OKAY? [ Man .]
HOPE THOSE STUPID NATIVES DON'T SHOW UP WHILE WE'RE STEALIN' THEIR CROP.
[ Man #2 .]
DON'T WORRY.
THOSE STUPID PINEAPPLE HEADS ARE OUT SURFIN' OR SOMETHIN'.
NO, STEALIN' PLANTS FROM THESE BANANA HEADS IS EASIER THAN-- [ Chuckles .]
STEALIN' THE GOLD FILLINGS OUTTA GRANNY'S DENTURES ON A NIGHTSTAND.
STUFF SMELLS TERRIBLE.
I CAN'T SEE HOW FOLKS SMOKE IT.
[ Strains .]
- [ Shouting In Foreign Language .]
- DEL! DANG IT, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW? I BELIEVE YOU OUGHTA COME OU AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS! GOOD GRIEF.
OH, MY-- [ Shouting Continues .]
[ Del .]
BOBBY! BOBBY! [ Groans .]
[ Shouting Continues .]
[ Colt .]
UH, JUST TURN OFF HERE? [ Howie .]
UH, I'VE MADE SOME LAST-MINUTE CHANGES IN OUR HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS.
WHY? THAT WAS A GREAT HOTEL WE STAYED AT LAST TIME.
WELL, I FOUND A BETTER PLACE.
HOWIE, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
THIS IS IT? WELL, YOU SAID NOTHING FANCY.
YEAH, THIS IS IT.
[ Waves Crashing In Distance .]
BRIDAL SUITE, HUH? UH, A REAL NICE PLACE, KID.
IT'S VERY, UH, AUTHENTIC.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND, YOU KNOW? COLT, VIEWING THIS TRIP AS YOUR BUSINESS MANAGER, I FELT THAT IT WOULD BE TO OUR ADVANTAGE TO CUT BACK FINANCIALLY WHENEVER POSSIBLE.
[ Frog Croaks .]
SINCE WE ARE HERE ON BUSINESS, I FIGURED THE ACCOMMODATIONS WEREN'T ALL THAT IMPORTANT.
[ Croaks .]
OH, NO.
KERMIT.
[ Jody .]
ALOHA! ALOHA? OH, THERE YOU ARE.
HERE'S TWO LEIS FOR TWO HANDSOME HAOLES.
WHAT IS GOIN' ON? WELL, HOWIE HERE FINALLY SHOWED SOME INGENUITY.
HE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO SAVE ENOUGH MONEY ON YOUR TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS TO PAY FOR MY TICKET.
-YEAH, WELL, I THINK I KNOW HOW.
-I WON'T GET IN THE WAY.
I PROMISE.
WELL, I PROMISE YOU WON'T HANDLE THE MONEY AGAIN.
AW, COLT, COME ON.
[ Drums Beating .]
[ Man .]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE DON HO DANCERS! [ Continues .]
[ Continues .]
HEY, CYRIL.
HOW YOU DOIN'? HI, MAN.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE LOST SOME WEIGHT.
ONLY AROUND THE MONEY BELT, MAN.
[ Laughs .]
HEY, YOU GOT A TABLE FOR MY FRIENDS? SURE, SURE.
DON IS UPSTAIRS WAITING FOR YOU.
OH, GOOD.
HEY, AND NO FIGHTS TONIGHT, HUH? WELL, I'LL TRY.
SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
I DON'T WANT TO BRAG, BUT I USED TO PLAY A PRETTY MEAN UKULELE.
LET'S KEEP IT A SECRET.
[ Continues On Speaker .]
[ Cyril On Speaker .]
COLT SEAVERS IS ON HIS WAY UP, DON.
COLT'S HERE.
HEY! COLT.
YOU STILL FASTER THAN MACHINES? YEAH, AND THE TOURISTS STILL LIKE YOU BETTER THAN PINEAPPLES.
THE LOCAL PEOPLE DO.
I TRY TO MAKE 'EM ALL HAPPY.
[ Applause .]
HEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS? WELL, PLAY GAMES EVERY NIGHT.
THERE'S THE SOUND, LIGHTS, BALANCE, AND I HAVE A TELEPHONE ONSTAGE THAT, UH, CONTROLS EVERYTHING.
ALL THESE YEARS I THOUGH YOU WERE TALKIN' TO YOUR MOTHER.
[ Chuckles .]
COME WITH ME HERE.
UH, YOUR FRIENDS, THE RIO BROTHERS-- I THINK THEY MAY BE ON MOLOKAI.
ISN'T THA A LEPER COLONY? WELL, NOT ANYMORE.
UH, LIKE THE RES OF THE ISLANDS, IT'S GETTING TOURISTS.
ALSO AGRICULTURAL CENTER, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN-- MAUI WOWIE.
HMM.
CAN I WALK IN? NO WAY.
THE GROWERS, THEY WATCH THE ROAD.
HMM.
WHAT ABOUT FROM THE AIR? WELL, THE UNDERGROWTH IS THICK.
UH, THEY GROW EVERYTHING UNDER THE TREES, SO THEY'LL PROBABLY HEAR YOU LONG BEFORE YOU CAN SEE THEM.
THEY'LL BLOW YOU OUT OF THE SKY.
ONE MORE THING.
UM, THE RIO BROTHERS, THEY'RE NOT VERY WELCOME HERE.
I WOULDN'T SPREAD THE WORD THAT, UM, YOU'RE CLOSE BUDDIES, YOU KNOW? I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL A LITTLE UNWELCOME AROUND HERE.
WELL, NOT HERE IN THE CLUB.
COME ON DOWN.
LET'S WATCH THE SHOW, HAVE A GOOD TIME.
GOT A LOT OF NICE LITTLE LASSIES OUT HERE FOR YOU.
PINEAPPLE DRINKS.
CHI-CHIS.
[ Easy Listening Swing .]
EXCUSE ME.
[ Continues .]
BASICALLY THIS IS KIND OF A SMALL ISLAND, ISN'T IT? WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING OR SOMETHING? NO.
I WAS JUST THINKING, YOU GUYS PROBABLY KNOW ABOUT EVERYBODY WHO COMES AND GOES AROUND HERE.
SURE, I GUESS SO.
YOU EVER HEARD OF A COUPLE OF GUYS FROM THE MAINLAND CALLED THE RIO BROTHERS? [ Man .]
YEAH, I HEARD OF THEM.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO TO THOSE EGG-SUCKIN' WEASELS IF I SAW THEM? - UH, NO.
- THIS.
THEY STOLE MY JEEP.
I'LL TAKE THEIR ARMS AND DO THIS.
POPULAR GUYS.
YEAH.
YOU TALKIN' ABOU THEM GOB-OF-SPIT RIOS THAT RIPPED OFF MY CROP? I'D GRAB THOSE SQUIRRELS, AND I'D-- [ Shouting .]
- [ Ho Continues Singing .]
- [ Women Screaming .]
I THOUGHT YOU SAID NO FIGHTING.
WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME.
[ Mutters .]
[ Ends .]
[ Grunting Quietly .]
WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT? YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, I'M GETTIN' PRETTY GOOD.
THE NEXT TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH UP ABOUT A CASE WITHOUT ASKIN' ME, YOU'RE GONNA GET ONE OF THEM UPSIDE THE HEAD.
I WOULD'VE BAILED YOU OUT FIRST, EXCEPT SHE GOT BETTER LEGS.
I AGREE.
I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE HERE ON OFFICIAL BUSINESS.
JUST REMEMBER, HAWAIIAN POLICE DON'T SUPPOR MAINLAND BOUNTY HUNTERS.
SEEN ANYTHING YET? NO, WE CAME UP EMPTY.
NOTHIN' DOWN THIS WAY.
WELL, THOSE RIO BROTHERS ARE SOMEWHERE.
WE'LL FAN OUT THIS WAY.
[ Bobby .]
LOOK AT THAT! THAT STUFF'S GOTTA BE WORTH A LOT OF MONEY.
THINGS ARE JUST GETTIN' EASIER AND EASIER.
THAT TRUCKLOAD OF MARIJUANA IS GONNA BUY OUR WAY OFF OF THIS ISLAND AND PUT US ON EASY STREET.
WELL, I'LL TELL YA.
THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
[ Mouthing Words .]
- [ Man .]
SOMEBODY'S TAKING THE TRUCK! - [ Man #2 .]
STOP THEM! OVER THERE! [ Shouting, Chattering .]
DEL, DO YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHERE WE'RE HEADED? HECK, NO.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE'RE AT.
OH, WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
I THINK SO, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS ROAD GOES TO.
THIS ALL LOOKS LIKE THE SAME TO ME.
[ Del .]
OH, SHOO-OO-OOT! [ Tires Screeching .]
COME ON, BOBBY.
GIVE ME A HAND.
I AIN'T GONNA LEAVE HERE EMPTY-HANDED AT ALL.
COME ON.
WELL, I AIN'T EITHER.
DEL, THEY'RE COMIN'! COME ON, BOBBY.
WE GOTTA STAY A-- STAY AHEAD OF THEM GUYS.
[ Chattering Continues .]
HERE THEY COME, DEL.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW? CHUCK IT OVER.
HUH? AND THEN CHUCK YOURSELF.
SHOO-OO-OOT! THERE! [ Del .]
LET'S GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE! NOW ONCE YOU GET UP IN THE AIR, DON'T FORGET.
YOU EVENTUALLY GOTTA LAND.
MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE PILO TO WATCH OUT FOR THE WINDS ON THE NORTH SIDE.
YEAH, WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE AN EASY FLIGHT.
YEAH? OH, WHO'S THE PILOT? I AM.
A GIRL? YEAH, ONLY HER HAIRDRESSER KNOWS FOR SURE.
LET'S GO.
[ Engine Powering Up .]
TWO MEN WITH SPECIAL CHUTES HAVE CHARTERED A COPTER TO MOLOKAI.
[ Colt .]
WE'RE COMIN' UP TO MOLOKAI, KID.
IT CAN BE A BEAUTIFUL ISLAND, AND IT COULD BE FOR US, DEPENDING ON WHETHER WE SEE THEM FIRS OR THEY SEE US FIRST.
GOT IT.
TWO MEN IN PARACHUTES.
WE'LL BE WATCHING.
I'VE RECEIVED SOME DISTRESSING NEWS CONCERNING OUR AGRICULTURAL INTEREST IN YOUR SECTOR.
[ Man .]
I ASSURE YOU, SIR, THESE RIO BROTHERS ARE ONLY A MINOR IRRITATION, BUT I PROMISE YOU, THEY WILL NOT ESCAPE US AGAIN.
THAT PLEASES ME.
I AM SURE YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL.
WE WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM.
I THINK THIS IS ABOU AS CLOSE AS WE CAN GET.
ARE YOU READY? YEAH.
I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A RECONNAISSANCE MISSION BEFORE.
YEAH, WELL, KID, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GE A CRASH COURSE.
WELL, I HOPE NOT.
SET DOWN BELOW THE WEST RIDGE, JODY.
WE'LL MEET YOU THERE.
LET'S GO.
HERE WE GO, KID.
YAHOO! [ Howie .]
WHOA! - ONCE WE GET OVER THAT RIDGE UP AHEAD, IT'S QUIET TIME.
- HOW DO WE SPOT THE RIOS? WE'LL LOOK FOR A COUPLE OF GUYS BEING CHASED BY A HALF A DOZEN JAPANESE.
YES, SIR, I'VE SPOTTED THEM.
[ Gunfire Continues .]
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! [ Gunfire Continues .]
- [ Fabric Tears .]
- MY CHUTE'S RIPPED, COLT.
I CAN'T CONTROL IT! [ Colt .]
SIT BACK IN THE STRAPS AND SUCK IN ON THE LEFT LINE.
[ Colt .]
HOLD ON.
I'LL TRY TO GET ABOVE YOU.
- [ Howie .]
WHAT? - WE'LL STACK.
WILL THAT WORK? WE BOTH BETTER HOPE SO.
OKAY, KID, YOU GOT IT.
JUST DON'T PANIC.
THAT'S GOOD.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, I'M COMIN' OVER THE TOP.
COME ON, KID.
HOLD HER STEADY.
I'M COMIN' IN RIGHT ON TOP OF YOUR SHOULDER.
COLT, I'M LOSING IT! NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU GOT IT FINE.
JUST HANG IN THERE.
STEADY.
- OKAY WE'RE HOME FREE.
- WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE GET TO THE GROUND? YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW THAT.
[ Howie .]
WELL, LET'S FIND A CLEARING.
WHAT CLEARING? WE'RE GOIN' IN! [ Crashing Into Foliage .]
UP THERE! TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.
[ Water Fountain Bubbling In Distance .]
ARE THESE GUYS KIDDING WITH THE SWORDS? YOU EVER BEEN TO ONE OF THOSE REALLY FANCY JAPANESE RESTAURANTS? - NO.
- WITH PLACES WHERE THEY USE SWORDS LIKE THAT, TOSS BIG OL' STEAKS UP IN THE AIR.
-ON THE WAY DOWN, THEY HACK 'EM INTO LITTLE BITTY SHISH KEBABS.
-LITTLE BITTY-- - LITTLE BITTY.
- FORGET I ASKED.
[ Speaking Japanese .]
YOU MAY CALL ME OH-SAN-- "MR.
OH.
" YOU ARE SEEKING THE RIO BROTHERS FOR BAIL JUMPING IN LOS ANGELES.
WELL, WORD GETS AROUND PRETTY FAST HERE.
I AM JAPANESE.
MY COUNTRY MANUFACTURES THE FINEST INFORMATION COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD.
- WHAT DO YOU HAVE ABOUT ME IN YOUR COMPUTERS? - YOU DO NOT EXIST.
- DO YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF "YAKUZA," SEAVERS-SAN? - NOT EXACTLY.
WE LIVE BY A VERY STRICT CODE OF HONOR, HANDED DOWN FROM THE ORIGINAL SAMURAI WARRIORS.
DOES THAT INCLUDE GROWING ILLEGAL DRUGS? MY RESPONSIBILITY IS TO PROTECT THE INTERES OF MY YAKUZA CLAN.
IT IS NOT FOR ME TO QUESTION ITS ACTIVITIES.
HOW DO THE RIOS FIT IN TO ALL THIS? SEVERAL BAGS OF OUR AGRICULTURAL CROPS WERE STOLEN BY THE TWO BROTHERS.
THE BAGS MUST BE RETURNED.
YOU SEEM LIKE A PRACTICAL MAN, MR.
OH.
IF YOU WERE THE RIOS, WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THIS AGRICULTURAL PRODUCTS.
I WOULD SELL THEM-- WHICH IS WHAT I IMAGINE THESE TWO MEN INTEND TO DO.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? WHEN YOU FIND THE RIO BROTHERS, YOU MUST BRING THEM TO ME.
- I CAN'T DO THAT.
- I DO NOT EXPECT YOU TO WORK FOR NOTHING.
- YOU WILL BE WELL PAID.
- [ Whistles .]
WHAT'LL HAPPEN IF I GIVE 'EM TO YOU? THEY WILL BE DEALT WITH ACCORDING TO OUR LAWS.
WELL, I'M SORRY.
I-- I HAVE MY OWN SENSE OF HONOR TO LIVE UP TO.
I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT YOU RECONSIDER.
CAN WE GO NOW? PERHAPS I CAN OFFER YOU ONE MORE TEMPTATION.
[ Speaks Japanese .]
- JODY.
- THEY GOT ME WHEN I LANDED THE HELICOPTER.
I'M SORRY.
I REGRET THA WE HAVE TO DO BUSINESS THIS WAY, SEAVERS-SAN, BUT I'M AFRAID THE LADY WILL HAVE TO STAY WITH US UNTIL THE RIO BROTHERS ARE RETURNED.
IS THAT WHA YOUR SAMURAI RELATIVES WOULD'VE DONE, OH-SAN? A WARRIOR MUST DO WHAT IS NECESSARY TO WIN.
THE LADY WILL BE QUITE SAFE.
YOU HAVE MY WORD.
YEAH, WELL, I HOPE YOUR WORD IS BETTER THAN YOUR DAMN CODE.
IF WE MEET AGAIN ONE DAY, WE WILL HAVE A LONG TALK ABOUT HONOR.
YEAH, YOU BET.
I'LL BE BACK, JODY.
[ Door Slides Shut .]
[ Woman On P.
A.
.]
FLIGHT 17 FOR LOS ANGELES NOW ARRIVING AT GATE 3.
- IT'S THOSE JAPANESE FELLAS.
- DANG.
BOBBY, COME IN HERE WITH ME.
[ Woman On P.
A.
.]
TRANS ISLAND AIRWAYS FLIGHT 6 NOW BOARDING AT GATE 11.
HOW WAS WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THERE WERE SOME KINDA JAPANESE SYNDICATE? WELL, I DON'T WANT TO END UP A DEAD MAN THAT'S RICH! GET DOWN! [ Woman On P.
A.
.]
MR.
R.
FRANKLIN, WHITE COURTESY PHONE.
- MR.
R.
FRANKLIN, WHITE COURTESY PHONE.
- GIVE ME SOME DIMES.
I GOTTA MAKE ME A BUNCH OF CALLS.
THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE OUT THERE WHO CAN HELP US GET OUTTA THIS MESS.
HERE, I GOT SOME DIMES.
[ Woman .]
LINE ONE, MISS JACK-- LONG DISTANCE FROM HAWAII.
IT'S COLLECT.
COLLECT? IT HAS TO BE COLT SEAVERS.
NO.
THE GUY SAID HIS NAME WAS RIO.
RIO? THE RIO BROTHERS ARE CALLING ME? [ Chuckles .]
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
IT'S GOTTA BE COLT.
DOES HE SOUND DRUNK? WELL, I-- NEVER MIND.
I'LL TAKE IT.
HELLO? HELLO.
WHO IS IT? THIS IS DEL RIO.
IT IS YOU.
YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE CALLING ME AFTER JUMPING BAIL.
YOU MUST BE IN SOME REAL TROUBLE.
IT'S THOSE KAMIKAZES.
WHO? THE JAPANESE MAFIA.
THE JAPANESE MAFIA? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LOOK, WHERE ARE YOU? WE'RE AT THE HONOLULU AIRPORT, BUT WE GOTTA RUN.
NO.
DON'T DO A THING.
BUT WE'RE SITTING DUCKS HERE! I'LL GIVE YOU COLT SEAVERS'S PHONE NUMBER.
YOU CALL HIM RIGHT NOW, AND HE'LL PROTECT YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S 555-- [ Mouthing Words .]
THANK YOU.
I GOT "555.
" OKAY, OKAY, I GOT THE REST OF IT.
OH, THEY'RE GONE.
[ Phone Ringing .]
[ Ringing .]
YEAH, HELLO.
- THIS IS, UH, DEL RIO.
- UH, WHO? I HEARD THROUGH THE ISLAND, UH, GRAPEVINE THAT YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR ME.
TOMORROW MORNING, KOKO MARINA, THE BOAT DOCK.
RIGHT.
I'LL BE THERE.
IT'S THE RIO BROTHERS.
THEY WANNA GIVE THEMSELVES UP.
I DON'T KNOW, COLT.
YOU THINK THEY'RE REALLY GONNA SHOW UP? THE WAY THINGS ARE GOIN' FOR THE RIOS, IF THEY DON'T, THEY'RE DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT THEY WERE.
DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA BE TOO MEAN TO US? NO, NO.
LISTEN.
I-I DON'T THINK SO.
HE'LL JUST TAKE US BACK.
HE'S A PRETTY GOOD OL' BOY.
YES, HE IS.
H-HI, MR.
SEAVERS.
UH, SLAP THEM CUFFS ON US, 'CAUSE, UH, WE KNOW WE DONE A-A BAD THING.
REAL BAD.
MIGHTY FANCY THREADS YOU BOYS ARE WEARING.
WELL, LOOK AT THIS WATCH.
IT'S REAL GOLD.
WELL, ALMOST.
WHERE'D YOU GE THE MONEY, BOBBY? - WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE CROP YOU STOLE? - WE SOLD IT.
- SOLD IT? - THERE'S THEM CRAZY SAMURAIS! YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET MY WATCH! COME ON! NOW I KNOW WHY THE RIO BROTHERS WANTED TO TURN THEMSELVES IN.
HEY! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, KID.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE 'EM A THE MERCY OF THOSE CUTTHROATS.
I'D LIKE TO.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? THIS BOAT'S NOT FOR HIRE! CAN WE BORROW YOUR BOAT? HEY! WE'LL GET YOUR BOAT BACK TO YOU IN NO TIME! [ Shouting .]
[ Clamoring .]
[ Bobby .]
WELL, I NEVER SAW NO REVENUER WITH A SWORD LIKE THAT! COME ON! COME ON! LOOKS LIKE WE GOT OUR BACKS UP AGAINST THE WALL AGAIN, DEL.
THIS TIME THERE AIN'T NO WALL! YOU DIDN'T SAY THIS WAS GONNA BE A FISHIN' TRIP, COLT.
YEAH, WHAT YOU GOTTA GO THROUGH TO PULL IN TWO SICK FISH.
[ Growls .]
COME ON, DEL.
YOU WERE GONNA MAKE SUKIYAKI OUTTA US, HUH? - [ Clamoring .]
- BYE, Y'ALL! YOU BEEN UP ALL NIGHT? AH, WAITIN' FOR THE PHONE TO RING.
[ Phone Ringing .]
LIKE THAT.
- HELLO.
- GOOD MORNING, SEAVERS-SAN.
I TRUST YOU SLEPT WELL AFTER YOUR IMPRESSIVE BOAT MANEUVER.
ALL IN A DAY'S WORK, MR.
OH-SAN.
- DO YOU HAVE THE RIO BROTHERS? - YES.
GOOD.
I WOULD LIKE TO MEET WITH YOU PERSONALLY TODAY, SEAVERS-SAN.
- UM, WE HAVE A DEAL.
YOU'LL BRING JODY, RIGHT? - I LIVE BY MY WORD.
WE'LL BE THERE.
[ Clicks, Dial Tone .]
COLT, YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA TRADE THE RIO BROTHERS FOR JODY, ARE YOU? THAT GUY'LL KILL THEM.
WELL, THE RIO BROTHERS SOLD THAT DOPE FOR A LOT OF MONEY.
I'M SURE OH-SAN WOULD RATHER HAVE THE CASH.
WHAT IF THEY DON'T LET JODY GO? WELL, THEN, PARTNER, I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO RUN IN THERE AND GRAB HER, RIGHT? ME? COME ON, COLT.
I'M JUST A STUNTMAN-IN-TRAINING.
LET ME HANDLE IT THEN, HUH? COLT, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT WERE ME THAT OH-SAN WERE THREATENING TO SLICE AND DICE? WHAT DO YOU THINK? HELP THEM SHARPEN THEIR SWORDS? REMEMBER THAT.
COLT, WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME? - I AM CALLING.
THIS IS ME.
- I KNOW IT'S YOU.
- WHERE ARE THE RIO BROTHERS? - THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT, ISN'T IT? YOU DON'T CARE IF I'M HURT, CRIPPLED OR WOUNDED.
- COLT, ARE YOU HURT? - NO.
- THEN WHY DID YOU SAY THAT? YOU HAD ME SCARED TO DEATH.
- REALLY? - YOU MEN ARE SUCH BABIES.
- I LIKE IT WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.
THEN YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE REST OF THIS CONVERSATION.
GET TO THE POINT.
DO YOU HAVE THE RIO BROTHERS IN CUSTODY OR NOT? YES.
TERRIFIC.
OH, YOU'RE SUCH A DOLL, COLT.
- BUT THERE'S A PROBLEM.
- I KNEW IT.
YOU ONLY HAVE ONE OF THEM.
NO.
I'VE GOT BOTH OF THEM.
THEY'RE STASHED AWAY AT DON HO'S NIGHTCLUB.
- THEY COULDN'T BE SAFER.
- TERRIFIC.
THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? - WELL, JODY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.
- JODY? WHAT'S SHE DOING THERE? A LONG STORY.
THE POINT IS, THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HER WANT ME TO GIVE UP THE RIO BROTHERS.
COLT, HOW DO YOU GET YOURSELF INTO MESSES LIKE THIS? I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I THINK I HAVE A WAY OUT.
I'M GONNA LET 'EM THINK THAT I'M GONNA GIVE UP THE RIO BROTHERS, THEN I'M GONNA PULL THE OLD BAIT AND SWITCH.
COLT, LOOK.
IF IT GETS RIGHT DOWN TO IT, LET 'EM GO.
I KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT, BUT DON'T WORRY.
MY PLAN IS FOOLPROOF.
TRUST ME.
[ Ho .]
OH, NO! MY COMPUTER AND MY STAGE CHAIRS.
THESE ARE MY BES STAGE CHAIRS TOO.
THEY LEFT US A NOTE, COLT.
LISTEN TO THIS: "OUR MAMAS DIDN'T RAISE NO BORN MORONS.
YOU AIN'T GIVIN' OUR HARD-EARNED MONEY TO THEM LITTLE CROOKS.
" I COULD SHOO THOSE GUYS MYSELF.
NOW WE HAVEN'T GOT THE RIOS, AND WE HAVEN'T GOT THE MONEY.
SO NOW WHAT DO WE DO? WELL, EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU SET UP A STUNT.
AT THE LAST MINUTE THE DIRECTOR WANTS SOMETHIN' COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, SO YOU GOTTA THINK FAS AND PRAY A LOT.
SO? SO, START PRAYIN'.
I SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE IN THIS GARDEN.
IT IS THE ONE PLACE IN MY LIFE THAT I FIND TRUE PEACE.
WELL, I WISH I COULD SHARE YOUR ENTHUSIASM.
PERSONALLY, I'D RATHER BE HOME IN A HOT TUB.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, JODY-SAN, BUT KEEPING YOU PRISONER IS A NECESSARY EVIL I MUST DO.
MMM, DOMO.
IT'S VERY GOOD.
MY UNCLE WAS A MASTER IN A TEA CEREMONY.
MY PRACTICE IS PRIMITIVE, BUT THE TEA IS TASTY.
HOW COULD A MAN LIKE YOU BE INVOLVED WITH GANGSTERS? MY FATHER WAS YAKUZA.
HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS YAKUZA.
I HAVE INHERITED THIS CURSE.
IN JAPANESE EYES, I COULD NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT YAKUZA.
[ Whispering In Japanese .]
BRING THEM HERE.
YOUR FRIENDS HAVE COME.
JODY-SAN, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR DETAINING YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL.
[ Footsteps Approaching .]
JODY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? HAVE SOME TEA? YOU ARE ALONE.
THE RIOS WERE STAYING AT A HOUSE OF A FRIEND OF MINE.
- THEY-- THEY ESCAPED.
- I'M VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
IF YOU LET JODY GO, THOUGH, I PROMISE TO TRACK 'EM DOWN AND SEND YOU THE MONEY.
I BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT, SEAVERS-SAN.
BUT I'M AFRAID I MUST KEEP THE GIRL.
[ Sighs .]
YOU'RE A MAN OF HONOR, MR.
OH-SAN.
SO AM I.
IN THE EARLY DAYS, UH, IN MY COUNTRY, MEN SETTLED ISSUES OF HONOR MAN-TO-MAN.
YOU ARE SPEAKING OF A DUEL.
WELL, YOUR MEN ALL CARRY SWORDS.
I, UH, ASSUME YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE.
I'M A MASTER AT KENDO.
I LEARNED THE USE OF THE SWORD FROM THE TIME I WAS ABLE TO WALK.
NO ONE IN JAPAN IS MY EQUAL.
WELL, I'VE USED ALL KINDS OF WEAPONS IN MY WORK, BUT I-- I CAN'T SAY THAT I'M AN EXPER WITH A SWORD, UH-- MAYBE I COULD CHOOSE MY OWN WEAPON.
SUCH AS THE ONE IN YOUR BELT.
OH, NO.
THIS IS-- THIS IS, UH, LOADED WITH BLANKS.
IN THE MOVIE BUSINESS WE CALL IT A PROP.
YOU HAVE COME HERE UNARMED TO CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL.
NO, I BROUGHT THIS.
A GOOD STUNTMAN HAS TO RELY ON HIS CONCENTRATION AND HIS OWN WITS.
YOU ARE INDEED A MAN OF COURAGE AND HONOR, SEAVERS-SAN.
WE WILL DUEL, BUT YOU MUST USE A WEAPON.
[ Japanese .]
SEAVERS-SAN.
[ Japanese .]
[ Japanese .]
I WILL ONLY HOPE THA I DON'T KILL YOU, SEAVERS-SAN.
YEAH, WELL, I-I APPRECIATE THAT.
UM, ONE MORE THING, THOUGH.
IF I WIN, I GET THE GIRL, AND YOU FORGE ALL ABOUT THE RIOS AND THE MONEY, RIGHT? THAT WOULD GO VERY BADLY FOR ME WITH MY SUPERIORS.
BUT YOU WILL NOT WIN.
[ Martial Arts Yells .]
AT A TIME LIKE THIS, I WISH I REALLY DID HAVE SOME DEADLY MOVES.
SO DO I.
- YOU MUST COMPOSE YOURSELF, SEAVERS-SAN.
- KID, THROW ME THE BELT! NOT YOURS, JODY'S.
FAST! HEY! YOU HAVE A NEW WEAPON, SEAVERS-SAN.
[ Shouts .]
VERY RESOURCEFUL, SEAVERS-SAN.
- YOU'RE A PRETTY SCARY ENEMY, OH-SAN.
- I WISH IT WERE NOT SO.
- BUT IT IS.
- [ Shouts .]
YOU'D MAKE A HELL OF A STUNTMAN, OH-SAN.
[ Sword Clatters .]
KILL ME, SEAVERS-SAN.
KILL ME.
I'D RATHER SAVE A LIFE THAN WASTE ONE.
[ Siren Approaching .]
I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE OF YOU NOW, STUNTMAN.
DO NOT BE CONCERNED ABOUT MY PUNISHMENT.
- MY ORGANIZATION'S PUNISHMEN WILL BE HARD.
- WELL, I HOPE NOT TOO HARD.
SEAVERS-SAN, HAVE YOU EVER WORKED WITH JOHN WAYNE? ANOTHER HONORABLE MAN, OH-SAN.
YOU WOULD'VE MADE A GREAT YAKUZA.
- NO.
YOU KEEP IT.
- [ Pats Shoulder .]
[ Del .]
WE'VE GOT THE MONEY.
LET'S GE THE FIRST PLANE OUTTA HERE.
FIRST TIME I EVER FAILED TO GET MY MAN.
THAT REALLY BUGS ME.
COME ON! [ Howie .]
WELL, AT LEAS WE HAD A NICE VACATION.
I'M GLAD YOU DID.
MAY AS WELL FOR-- TALK ABOUT UGLY! [ Bobby Laughing .]
COME ON! THAT'S THE RIO BROTHERS! OH, SHOO-OO-OOT! EXCUSE ME.
PARDON ME.
EXCUSE ME.
SORRY.
EXCUSE ME.
RIOS! STOP! HEY, RIOS! HOLD IT! STOP! OH, WE GIVE UP! WE GIVE UP! BOY, I OUGHTA CUT YOUR EARS OFF.
NOW WHERE'S THAT MONEY? I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
I GOT IT ALL FOR YA.
- THAT'S IT.
- YOU KNOW, THEY DON' LOOK HALF BAD.
LOVE THE LITTLE DANCE YOU WERE DOIN' BACK THERE.
I'D LIKE TO SEE A LITTLE MORE OF THAT.
- HUH? - COME ON.
DANCE.
ALOHA ALOHA AW, SHOOT.
ALOHA-- [ Man .]
FALL GUY IS A GLEN LARSON PRODUCTION.