The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e07 Episode Script
Rule 10: The Fuck Buddy Rule
What're you doing? I don't wanna bother your neighbors.
That's so sweet of you.
But I do.
Jealous, Kaylie? That was nice.
We've never had daytime sex before, have we? No.
You're right.
Hmm.
So, um You got, um Any plans for later? Uh, I'm not sure.
What're you up to? I don't really know.
I mean Do you? I mean, should we? You are getting into some very dangerous territory, girl.
You're falling for him.
I am not.
Mark my words.
This thing with Danny will end badly.
God, Lizzie.
You're such a downer.
She speaks the truth.
Even I know not to fuck with a good fuck.
I'm not falling for him.
Daytime sex? Please.
I hope you weren't sober.
It was 10:00 A.
M.
of course I was sober.
Morning sex? Oh, that's even worse.
Sam! You're on the precipice of ruining the one good thing that you have going for you.
The one good thing? I guess you don't think much of my work or the rest of the life I've carved out.
No, you know what I'm talking about.
Rule number 10: Love your fuck buddy and within a week, you're back to jacking yourself off every night.
Oh, come on.
Seriously, that is a totally stupid rule.
Oh, whoa! Stand back for some righteous fury.
There are no stupid rules.
This rule is especially not stupid.
It's in the top 10.
Do you know what that means? It's one of sienna's commandments.
Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to prove sienna wrong.
Oh, shit.
All right, I guess some rules you'll just have to learn on your own.
Report back when you're a believer.
Hey, Kaylie.
Howdy, neighbor.
Sorry about the other morning.
Other morning? Yeah, you know.
Boom, boom, boom.
Hmm? Remember? Boom, boom, boom.
Oh, right.
I like to turn my music up really loud when I work out, too.
Doesn't this do something for your biceps? No, I mean It is law of nature.
Louder the music, better the burn.
So, are you going out? Yeah, big date with Jordan.
Jordan? He's new, tall, broad shoulders, super sweet and amazing in the sack.
Oh.
Is he your new boyfriend? Mmm, not really.
Oh, more like a fuck buddy? Yeah, I guess.
It's hard to find a guy that can keep up with me but Jordan is a marathoner.
But I thought you said you're going out on a date with him.
Yeah, we're going to go see the matrix.
He loves old movies.
But isn't it a problem, the dating thing? Well, I just like to fuck but You know how men are.
They need romance to get them in the mood.
Doesn't it just kind of mess up the fuck buddy thing if you just start going out? Maybe he's my boyfriend, too.
I don't really know.
I'm not too into labels.
Oh, I gotta go.
He loves previews.
Byezees! Hey, Danny.
It's me.
I was wondering if you're free tonight to, uh Danny, Sam here.
Let's get together, if you're free.
I was wondering, have you seen the matrix? Stupid fucking rules.
Here you go.
Mmm.
You know who I'd love to fuck? Who? That chick from the matrix.
Carrie-Anne moss? Yes.
Oh, my God! Me, too.
Oh, my God! We have so much in common.
That's crazy! Come here.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Look it.
Previews.
I fucking love previews.
Have you had a chance to look at my press release? Just finishing up.
That's a lot of notes.
It's my job.
I'll be done before lunch.
Is there a problem? Do you mind if I ask you a question? If I said yes, would you ask anyway? I just need a little outside perspective.
Then why would you come to me? You represent everything I loathe.
There are circles in hell dedicated to women like you.
If I could change my cubicle location, I'd do it in a second.
Exactly.
We see the world differently, which is why I want your opinion.
Do you think it's a bad idea to go on a date with your fuck buddy? Oh, so I take it you do.
I just don't care for the f-word word.
Oh.
Okay.
So do you think it's a bad idea to go on a date with someone who you are having semi-regular, unattached, Charlie sheen type relations with? I know what it means.
I just don't like it.
Okay.
But back to my question.
Sam, I have my new guy.
Byron.
We've been together for three weeks.
That's four dates plus an impromptu brunch.
What we're doing, is building something together.
What you do, kills any chance of that ever happening.
But if you had an f buddy Sam, I have absolutely no opinion on the matter.
This is Kate.
Hi, Byron.
How are you? Look, that's not what I meant at all.
I just I think you're taking this the wrong way.
Well, if that's how you feel Jerk.
It was astonishing.
You couldn't tell from watching me, but I felt bad for Kate.
She was just devastated.
We're going to hell.
Oh, yeah.
We're terrible people.
And so what have we learnt? I am being greedy.
As if having great sex isn't enough, I have to have more.
More sex? No, sex plus a relationship.
It's too much to ask for.
And so, rule number 10 I guess sienna's right.
Damn fucking straight.
She's the godmother.
She wrote the book.
I shouldn't be doubting her.
You're forgiven, grasshopper.
Where're you going? It's not even 9:00 yet.
Sorry, I have an early morning meeting with Fiona.
Oh, the cunt? Yeah.
That would be the one.
Okay.
I guess I'll see you next Tuesday.
Hello.
Hi.
Sam.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
What're you doing here? I'm just going over to the Nelson.
Yeah? Yeah.
What's playing? This is so completely embarrassing.
I'm going alone to see the matrix.
That's not embarrassing at all.
I love that movie.
You do? Yeah.
You you wanna join me? Come on.
It'll be fun.
Holy shit! Trinity is the hottest female action hero of all time.
Hotter than Linda Hamilton in the Terminator? Are you kidding me? Way hotter.
Okay, um Kill bill.
Uma.
Lara croft.
You can go on as long as you like.
No one else even comes close.
I'd no idea you were such an action movie junkie.
There's a lot about me you don't know, Danny.
So, we just did the whole dinner and a movie thing.
That was fun.
So how about we keep going? You know, I really have a big day at work tomorrow.
Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
I was just telling Liz that before we went on our date Or whatever.
I'll see you later.
So then he gives me this totally lame aunt reba kiss and he just splits.
And you're calling me to complain? You broke the fucking rule.
Accept the consequences.
I just bumped into him.
But I just bumped into him.
I accidentally went to a movie with him.
I didn't mean to eat the cheeseburger.
It just forced its way into my mouth.
But But nothing, Sam.
I showed you the yellow brick road.
You wandered off into the woods, now the angry trees are pelting you with apples.
Deal.
Thanks.
Kate? Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it? I just I follow all the rules.
And what does it get me? I've been asking myself the same thing.
We don't follow the same rules.
No, I guess not.
So nothing works.
This doesn't make sense.
You're like a walking specimen dish.
I don't expect guys to fall for you but It's supposed to work for me.
Um, thanks.
But maybe we're not so different after all.
If that's true, then kill me.
This is Sam.
- Hey, Sam.
- It's Danny.
Hey.
I mean Hey, how's it going? Have you got plans for tonight? Um Maybe.
It's a little up in the air.
What's up? You wanna join me for a drink after work? Maybe we'll go to bucci's? I might be able to do it.
6:00? 6:00 is great.
All right.
Well, no promises but I'll see if I can swing by.
Yeah.
Someone is getting laid tonight.
So that was a good time last night.
Oh, yeah.
It was.
It ended too soon for me.
Yeah, about that.
I had a good time, too.
You make that sound like a bad thing.
Well, in a way, it is.
I can't be fuck buddies with someone I'm dating.
We're not We're not dating.
Then what was last night? Last night was just a run-in.
Last night you said it was a date.
Or whatever.
I misspoke.
It was whatever.
I paid for dinner.
That makes it a date.
The only reason you paid was 'cause I didn't have any cash on me.
I I went to the atm.
I mean I mean here.
I don't feel right about this.
No, I owe you.
How much was the bill? Here, I'll just give you $20.
I feel like you're paying me for sex.
What sex? We didn't even have sex.
Remember? Future sex.
And not paying me very well, actually.
Look, I need to keep my dating life and my sex life separate.
This is crazy.
Let's just forget the whatever and go back to my place and screw.
Can't.
I I think I have a new fuck buddy as of last night.
What the hell? I was with you.
After our date, I I hooked up with someone else.
Is that her? Go.
Hey, guys.
He is the one.
Come here.
The oracle told me I would fall in love.
Does this mean you're the one? It must be done, Neo.
Do we carry on, trinity? Anything you say, Neo.
Trinity! Trinity! Oh, trinity! - Trinity! - Neo! Trinity! Trinity! Trinity! I need you.
Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! I need you.
Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Neo! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Oh, trinity! Oh, trinity! Trinity! Trinity! I got you, Neo.
Trinity.
Do you want the red pill, or the blue pill? Give me the blue pill, Neo.
Oh, trinity.
Oh, God.
You dodge bullets.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Trinity! Neo! My bed was literally bouncing in time to theirs.
Neo! Trinity.
Neo! Trinity.
That is so fucking grim.
That is one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard in my life.
If this keeps up, I think I'm gonna have to rearrange my furniture, I might even have to sleep on a futon in the kitchen.
It's a top 10 rule for a reason.
I deserve what I got.
Well, at least things can't get any worse.
Without a doubt, tonight has been as bad as it gets.
To things getting better.
Carrie-Anne moss is pretty hot.
Yeah, I'd fuck her.
Yeah.
She's like butch hot.
But Keanu Oh, he is all man.
I bet he could fuck all night.
Yeah.
If I looked like Carrie-Anne, I could fuck any guy I want.
If I slick my hair back like Keanu, what red-blooded homo could resist? Do you know that fetish place on north Avenue? They're open late.
What're we waiting for? Let's go.
See ya.
I take it back.
Things can get worse.
Hi.
Buy me a drink?
That's so sweet of you.
But I do.
Jealous, Kaylie? That was nice.
We've never had daytime sex before, have we? No.
You're right.
Hmm.
So, um You got, um Any plans for later? Uh, I'm not sure.
What're you up to? I don't really know.
I mean Do you? I mean, should we? You are getting into some very dangerous territory, girl.
You're falling for him.
I am not.
Mark my words.
This thing with Danny will end badly.
God, Lizzie.
You're such a downer.
She speaks the truth.
Even I know not to fuck with a good fuck.
I'm not falling for him.
Daytime sex? Please.
I hope you weren't sober.
It was 10:00 A.
M.
of course I was sober.
Morning sex? Oh, that's even worse.
Sam! You're on the precipice of ruining the one good thing that you have going for you.
The one good thing? I guess you don't think much of my work or the rest of the life I've carved out.
No, you know what I'm talking about.
Rule number 10: Love your fuck buddy and within a week, you're back to jacking yourself off every night.
Oh, come on.
Seriously, that is a totally stupid rule.
Oh, whoa! Stand back for some righteous fury.
There are no stupid rules.
This rule is especially not stupid.
It's in the top 10.
Do you know what that means? It's one of sienna's commandments.
Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to prove sienna wrong.
Oh, shit.
All right, I guess some rules you'll just have to learn on your own.
Report back when you're a believer.
Hey, Kaylie.
Howdy, neighbor.
Sorry about the other morning.
Other morning? Yeah, you know.
Boom, boom, boom.
Hmm? Remember? Boom, boom, boom.
Oh, right.
I like to turn my music up really loud when I work out, too.
Doesn't this do something for your biceps? No, I mean It is law of nature.
Louder the music, better the burn.
So, are you going out? Yeah, big date with Jordan.
Jordan? He's new, tall, broad shoulders, super sweet and amazing in the sack.
Oh.
Is he your new boyfriend? Mmm, not really.
Oh, more like a fuck buddy? Yeah, I guess.
It's hard to find a guy that can keep up with me but Jordan is a marathoner.
But I thought you said you're going out on a date with him.
Yeah, we're going to go see the matrix.
He loves old movies.
But isn't it a problem, the dating thing? Well, I just like to fuck but You know how men are.
They need romance to get them in the mood.
Doesn't it just kind of mess up the fuck buddy thing if you just start going out? Maybe he's my boyfriend, too.
I don't really know.
I'm not too into labels.
Oh, I gotta go.
He loves previews.
Byezees! Hey, Danny.
It's me.
I was wondering if you're free tonight to, uh Danny, Sam here.
Let's get together, if you're free.
I was wondering, have you seen the matrix? Stupid fucking rules.
Here you go.
Mmm.
You know who I'd love to fuck? Who? That chick from the matrix.
Carrie-Anne moss? Yes.
Oh, my God! Me, too.
Oh, my God! We have so much in common.
That's crazy! Come here.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Look it.
Previews.
I fucking love previews.
Have you had a chance to look at my press release? Just finishing up.
That's a lot of notes.
It's my job.
I'll be done before lunch.
Is there a problem? Do you mind if I ask you a question? If I said yes, would you ask anyway? I just need a little outside perspective.
Then why would you come to me? You represent everything I loathe.
There are circles in hell dedicated to women like you.
If I could change my cubicle location, I'd do it in a second.
Exactly.
We see the world differently, which is why I want your opinion.
Do you think it's a bad idea to go on a date with your fuck buddy? Oh, so I take it you do.
I just don't care for the f-word word.
Oh.
Okay.
So do you think it's a bad idea to go on a date with someone who you are having semi-regular, unattached, Charlie sheen type relations with? I know what it means.
I just don't like it.
Okay.
But back to my question.
Sam, I have my new guy.
Byron.
We've been together for three weeks.
That's four dates plus an impromptu brunch.
What we're doing, is building something together.
What you do, kills any chance of that ever happening.
But if you had an f buddy Sam, I have absolutely no opinion on the matter.
This is Kate.
Hi, Byron.
How are you? Look, that's not what I meant at all.
I just I think you're taking this the wrong way.
Well, if that's how you feel Jerk.
It was astonishing.
You couldn't tell from watching me, but I felt bad for Kate.
She was just devastated.
We're going to hell.
Oh, yeah.
We're terrible people.
And so what have we learnt? I am being greedy.
As if having great sex isn't enough, I have to have more.
More sex? No, sex plus a relationship.
It's too much to ask for.
And so, rule number 10 I guess sienna's right.
Damn fucking straight.
She's the godmother.
She wrote the book.
I shouldn't be doubting her.
You're forgiven, grasshopper.
Where're you going? It's not even 9:00 yet.
Sorry, I have an early morning meeting with Fiona.
Oh, the cunt? Yeah.
That would be the one.
Okay.
I guess I'll see you next Tuesday.
Hello.
Hi.
Sam.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
What're you doing here? I'm just going over to the Nelson.
Yeah? Yeah.
What's playing? This is so completely embarrassing.
I'm going alone to see the matrix.
That's not embarrassing at all.
I love that movie.
You do? Yeah.
You you wanna join me? Come on.
It'll be fun.
Holy shit! Trinity is the hottest female action hero of all time.
Hotter than Linda Hamilton in the Terminator? Are you kidding me? Way hotter.
Okay, um Kill bill.
Uma.
Lara croft.
You can go on as long as you like.
No one else even comes close.
I'd no idea you were such an action movie junkie.
There's a lot about me you don't know, Danny.
So, we just did the whole dinner and a movie thing.
That was fun.
So how about we keep going? You know, I really have a big day at work tomorrow.
Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
I was just telling Liz that before we went on our date Or whatever.
I'll see you later.
So then he gives me this totally lame aunt reba kiss and he just splits.
And you're calling me to complain? You broke the fucking rule.
Accept the consequences.
I just bumped into him.
But I just bumped into him.
I accidentally went to a movie with him.
I didn't mean to eat the cheeseburger.
It just forced its way into my mouth.
But But nothing, Sam.
I showed you the yellow brick road.
You wandered off into the woods, now the angry trees are pelting you with apples.
Deal.
Thanks.
Kate? Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it? I just I follow all the rules.
And what does it get me? I've been asking myself the same thing.
We don't follow the same rules.
No, I guess not.
So nothing works.
This doesn't make sense.
You're like a walking specimen dish.
I don't expect guys to fall for you but It's supposed to work for me.
Um, thanks.
But maybe we're not so different after all.
If that's true, then kill me.
This is Sam.
- Hey, Sam.
- It's Danny.
Hey.
I mean Hey, how's it going? Have you got plans for tonight? Um Maybe.
It's a little up in the air.
What's up? You wanna join me for a drink after work? Maybe we'll go to bucci's? I might be able to do it.
6:00? 6:00 is great.
All right.
Well, no promises but I'll see if I can swing by.
Yeah.
Someone is getting laid tonight.
So that was a good time last night.
Oh, yeah.
It was.
It ended too soon for me.
Yeah, about that.
I had a good time, too.
You make that sound like a bad thing.
Well, in a way, it is.
I can't be fuck buddies with someone I'm dating.
We're not We're not dating.
Then what was last night? Last night was just a run-in.
Last night you said it was a date.
Or whatever.
I misspoke.
It was whatever.
I paid for dinner.
That makes it a date.
The only reason you paid was 'cause I didn't have any cash on me.
I I went to the atm.
I mean I mean here.
I don't feel right about this.
No, I owe you.
How much was the bill? Here, I'll just give you $20.
I feel like you're paying me for sex.
What sex? We didn't even have sex.
Remember? Future sex.
And not paying me very well, actually.
Look, I need to keep my dating life and my sex life separate.
This is crazy.
Let's just forget the whatever and go back to my place and screw.
Can't.
I I think I have a new fuck buddy as of last night.
What the hell? I was with you.
After our date, I I hooked up with someone else.
Is that her? Go.
Hey, guys.
He is the one.
Come here.
The oracle told me I would fall in love.
Does this mean you're the one? It must be done, Neo.
Do we carry on, trinity? Anything you say, Neo.
Trinity! Trinity! Oh, trinity! - Trinity! - Neo! Trinity! Trinity! Trinity! I need you.
Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! I need you.
Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Neo! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Trinity! Neo! Trinity! Oh, trinity! Oh, trinity! Trinity! Trinity! I got you, Neo.
Trinity.
Do you want the red pill, or the blue pill? Give me the blue pill, Neo.
Oh, trinity.
Oh, God.
You dodge bullets.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Trinity! Neo! My bed was literally bouncing in time to theirs.
Neo! Trinity.
Neo! Trinity.
That is so fucking grim.
That is one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard in my life.
If this keeps up, I think I'm gonna have to rearrange my furniture, I might even have to sleep on a futon in the kitchen.
It's a top 10 rule for a reason.
I deserve what I got.
Well, at least things can't get any worse.
Without a doubt, tonight has been as bad as it gets.
To things getting better.
Carrie-Anne moss is pretty hot.
Yeah, I'd fuck her.
Yeah.
She's like butch hot.
But Keanu Oh, he is all man.
I bet he could fuck all night.
Yeah.
If I looked like Carrie-Anne, I could fuck any guy I want.
If I slick my hair back like Keanu, what red-blooded homo could resist? Do you know that fetish place on north Avenue? They're open late.
What're we waiting for? Let's go.
See ya.
I take it back.
Things can get worse.
Hi.
Buy me a drink?