The Hotwives of Las Vegas (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

It's been a wild season.
Yeah! Filled with betrayals.
Ooh Are y'all having sex in here? Beat downs! And breakdowns.
I am going to go climb that butterfly.
But now it's time to stop throwing shade How's this for shade? That's Sade! Sade! And pull up a chair.
My chair! As we catch up with The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
Shalom, and welcome to The Hotwives of Las Vegas reunion special.
We're coming off our most explosive season yet.
And we're here live from Cassandra's clam, Las Vegas' oldest and most respected whore house.
Now, speaking of old, respected whores, let's say hello to our Hotwives.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hi.
Ladies, this season has been called the most heart-wrenching and disgusting season of Hotwives yet.
- Aw.
- Thank you.
- That is nice to hear.
- It was fun.
Thank you.
And, our viewers had a lot to say.
Cody from Framingham, Massachusetts asked, "First Lady, Jenfer, have you gotten over Jenfer's betrayal, and then, First Lady's subsequent betrayal over Ace?" Oh, people are so pedestrian.
I mean, we proved with basic science that Ace never cheated on me.
I got pregnant with Ace's baby when Jenfer was always around.
So my embryo jumped into her.
That baby was mine all the time.
- And, that is exactly what happened.
- Yes.
Let's take a look at a picture.
Oh! Sweetie, he looks exactly like Jenfer.
Look at him, spitting image.
Look, you all need to just turn out the lights, and then it looks just like First Lady.
I look like First Lady in the dark, too.
So Jenfer, have you gotten over First Lady's betrayal? Well, as you all recall, at first I was like, "Don't touch my baby!" But then, after I shot that baby out of my vagina hole, I wanted to give it to First Lady and I'm at peace.
Now, that is actually a very unusual thing for a new mother to say.
Thank you.
The thing is I am busy, busy, busy, and it is hard to raise a baby, especially God! - When you're severely disabled.
- Aw.
Because I can't even point at my little baby and say, "You shut your goddamn mouth!" I can't do that.
And that's why I didn't raise my other kids.
That's right.
But the good news is I'm pregnant again.
Jenfer, is it true that you actually got pregnant the night that you gave birth? Damn right.
My vag is a goddamn sperm magnet.
Oh yeah! Hella.
And I'll tell that you I don't even know who the father is 'cause they were so many guys up in that Jacuz, but that's life and it's my journey.
Well Jenfer, the producers with your best interests at heart had decided to give you a secret amnio test while you were sleeping to find out who the father of your baby actually is.
What? What? That's so sweet.
We have the results of that paternity tests right here.
Oh, my gosh! We will open this later in the show.
- Aww! - I am so curious.
I don't know.
I mean, it is one of many.
Speaking of babies Claire from Boise, Idaho wants to know, "Ivanka, how is your child not being taken away by child services yet?" Great question.
She's doing great.
Thank you for asking.
Uh, I will say that she is still little chubby, uh, but I will working on it.
But, I do want to say that I feel, looking back, a little foolish for thinking that her weight gain was due to Callie's witchcraft.
I just want to say I'm sorry to you and that was very American of me to blame you for that.
That's what we do.
Well, thank you because that really hurt.
Fat babies are disgusting.
Ugh! So gross.
And while I work in the dark arts, I would never work in arts that dark.
It's too dark.
But, the good news is Lola, Vance, and I are all very happy together again, and I am healthy again after my brief meth addiction.
So I'm sorry, did you say that you were addicted to meth? Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know in the last episode of the season I took a couple of First Lady's methamphetamine pills.
And, I have to say, um, I really like them.
It's such a great product.
Well it's actually, it's an addictive drug.
No.
It is not.
It's a supplement, Matty.
That's what it is.
And it was one of our top sellers until the FDA shut us down.
- They have no right.
- No.
Ivanka, what made you decide to go clean? Well, you know I think First Lady said it.
Um, she had to stop making the pills, and there's just, you know, there's nowhere else that you can find meth.
Actually, that's not true.
- Now, moving on to Callie - Wait, wait a minute.
You know where I can find meth? Seriously.
Matty, you just tell me, I will suck your (BLEEP) so hard, just give me one bit.
Ugh! Okay, Callie, uh Viewer Mason Green writes, "Callie, you may think you're witch, but I think what you really are starts with a B.
" - Blue.
- Bartenders.
- Boy.
- Butter.
Business.
I think what he's saying is that you are a bitch.
But he said it in a very clever way.
Oh, the B was for bitch! Stop! I'm gonna have to take a break.
Oh, my gosh! I appreciate that kind of cleverness.
But listen.
Ivanka and I are family, and family fight.
Well, let's see some of the footage from those family fights.
That's enough.
See, family is complicated.
Yes.
You know, Callie and I, we just want to have a fresh start.
I want to find all new ways of hating her.
- Me too.
- Right.
You know, Matty, on our time off, we've have been having these amazing heart to hearts where we have spilled all of our secrets to each other.
And now I know something about Callie that she really wouldn't want anyone here to know.
You wouldn't dare! No.
I am just saying that I could tell this pretty amazing secret, but I wouldn't do that.
- We are all good, I promise.
- We're all good.
Callie, do you want to tell us your secret? - I don't.
- Okay.
- Leona, tell me how everything is going at Venus' Mound? - Oh, thank you.
It is doing great, um, business is booming, and we are franchising now because it turns out people love tits in lots of different cities.
Well, it makes sense.
Also, there's a rumor going around that I dated Ace for a little while.
- What? - Hold up! - What? - Now, hold up.
Excuse me.
Did you date Ace? Matty, this is not the time or the place, not at a reunion episode of a reality television show.
It's literally the exact time and place that you should do this.
Not here and not now! Well, where and when? I am contractually obligated to fight about stuff on this show.
I did not bring it up.
And speaking of a relationship that did get a lot of attention Let's turn our attention to Denise and Phe Phe in something that we call Chair-Nobyl.
Ah! You know you have to pay me every time you say that, right? I just got so rich right now.
She patented it.
I'm just gonna go back to my seat.
Why was Phe Phe sitting in my chair? That bitch does not deserve a chair.
You did not just sit in Phe Phe's chair.
I deserve this chair! I am not crazy! I am not crazy! I was going through some tough stuff this season and it was not good.
Yes, you were and our audience picked up on it by writing in and telling us that you looked deeply disturbed.
You were hard to watch.
- And some even called you (BLEEP) crazy.
- Wow! They're not wrong.
After my divorce, I was in a bad place.
I was off my meds and, uh, I think it manifested itself in Chair-Nobyl.
Cha-ching! But, I got some great help from some doctors at a wonderful insane asylum.
They taught me how to work through my insecurities and that I could be the one to give myself hugs.
Oh, wow, that's nice and sad.
Aww.
Aww.
Yeah.
That's not the same as like a hug from someone else, right? Okay! Oh! Okay! Okay! Stop it! Look, it's my hug bucket, it's so full right now.
Look, I am not a psychologist until I finish my exams, but I don't think this was about the chair.
I think this was about a feeling of security and that's what we were fighting over.
What do you think about that, Denise? - No, I just really like chairs.
- All right.
And I like hot husbands.
And after the break, we'll get a chance to sit down with them and talk about what it's like to live and love in the city of sin.
Also, we'll get to Jenfer's paternity test.
If you think that you know who the father is, why don't you tweet at us, right now? We'll be right back.
I don't even know who it was.
I open up my legs I just let them do whatever they want.
Welcome back to The Hotwives of Las Vegas Reunion Special.
And the results are in here.
And they'll be read later in the episode.
Joining us now are the Hotmen of Las Vegas.
Welcome, gentlemen! - Hi! - Hi, Matty! Kelly, I am so glad you can join us.
I know that you've recently had some tragedy.
Well, Matty, what happened was I had to get plastic surgery on the inside of my throat tried to get it younger so I can do more hip impressions.
Unfortunately, it trapped me in this Mickey Mouse voice 'cause of a mistake in the surgery.
I'm so sorry to hear that, Kelly.
Now, I was under the impression, no pun intended That you and Denise were no longer dating because you are actually married.
Well, what's happened now that I am Mickey Mouse all the time, Kelly really doesn't exist, so I don't have to deal with that old wife anymore and I'm freed up to be with Denise.
Oh! That laugh really gets you.
Denise, how does that make you feel? I have always had quite a sexual attraction to Mickey Mouse as well as many Disney characters.
It's just been a real boon to our sex life.
We really had a lot of fun with this.
Okay! Moving on Welcome, Junior.
How's it going? Well, look at you.
You look very grown up in your suit Oh! Thank you.
My mom helped me pick out the suit.
Now, that actually brings me to a question.
You are starting a new business? I've become an entrepreneur to launch my new business, just like my mother.
Except, I am in the tech space and I'm doing great.
Now, tell us a little bit about your company.
Oh, yeah! Sure.
So, how do I do this in layman's terms? It's a peer to peer interface that helps facilitate an ever-expanding male user base to share in a social setting, pictures of your ex-girlfriend's titties.
You're talking about revenge porn.
No! It's You know what, I really liked the way that Junior put it a lot more.
Okay, from one disturbing family to another.
Welcome, Vance.
Hi, Matty.
You're looking great, by the way.
Thank you, you're looking great, a real handsome man.
Oh, come on, Matty, you're the handsome one, you're the most attractive man in show business.
Stop it! You're the best looking guy in show business.
No, you are.
- Stop it! - You stop.
Seriously, someone needs to stop.
- Okay, someone stop.
- Okay.
Now, Vance, you stood by this season as your wife and your sister fought over you.
Now that you have seen all the footage, can you tell which one you love more? No, I can't, Matty.
Callie is my sister, she's my flesh and blood.
It's a bond that Ivanka and I will never have.
I love you so much, Brother Boo.
I love you so much, Sister Boo.
- I love you so powerful.
- I love you so much.
But, Ivanka and I are married.
And that marriage certificate is something that Callie and I will never have.
You'll never have it because paper's thicker than blood.
- And they're siblings - So, it's illegal, actually.
- So you'll never have that.
- And disgusting.
But, can I just take this moment to just remind everybody that I know something very explosive about Callie that I am keeping to myself because I don't feel like I should share it with everybody? And I'm just saying if I told you, you would freak out.
You wouldn't dare! Don't make me.
And, Vance, just like that, you managed to stay out of the drama between your wife and your sister.
How do you do it? I don't know, Matty.
I guess you can say that I live in a bubble.
Ah! What's happening? What's happening? - Those are bubbles.
- Oh! You are a gorgeous genius, that is undeniable.
Now, let's move on to something that is deniable.
Phe Phe and Adonis.
And, I stand by that segue.
It's a good one.
Now, Adonis, last season left off an incredibly low note for you.
You'd seemingly run off with all of Phe Phe's money and worldly possessions.
What happened? Well, Matty, it's been a weird couple of months.
Well, take us through it.
After Phe Phe kicked you out, did you take all of her money and worldly possessions? Oh, yeah! Most definitely.
Most definitely.
But I always knew I was coming back to Phe Phe as long as she would let me back into her heart and bank account.
And Phe Phe, did you let Adonis back in? Yes, I did.
A love story for the ages.
Adonis, once you were back, you were accused of stealing over a million dollars from Phe Phe's estate.
Ooh! Oh, baby! We had a trial and everything.
I was the judge.
We did it on my courtroom show.
Ya Guilty Bitch.
- We actually have a clip.
Let's take a look.
- Ooh! The defendant is not guilty, bitch.
- Now, we spend.
- We spend We spend.
We spend.
I'm back on, free! - We were so relieved when I found him not guilty.
- Mmm.
I am so glad that your story has a happy ending.
Now, moving on, First Lady You and Ace are no longer together.
That is correct.
I have not heard from him since we stopped filming last season.
Well, as you all know, Ace was a busy little beaver last season, working his way through Jenfer, First Lady and even Leona.
I had heard that.
Ace is a guy who falls quickly in love and out of love, depending on where the cameras were.
Let's take a look at him in action.
God, I love you.
I can't imagine being with anyone else.
- I love you.
- Yeah? I mean, I can't imagine being with anyone else.
I love you and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
I love you and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
I love you and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
- Ace! - What? So, what's Ace up to now and how can an attention whore like himself pass up an opportunity to be here on television? We'll find out all about that after the break.
And also the results of Jenfer's paternity test, coming right up.
And, we're back and so is the envelope.
Oh! He is still putting it away.
Now, when we last left we wondered where Ace was.
Turns out, he got that spin-off show that he wanted all season long.
It's called Ace In The Hole.
Let's take a look.
It's day 29 in this abandoned mine-shaft and, uh, I probably look a mess.
Uh, last night, I found some food and that was awesome.
Now, First Lady is there anything you want to say to Ace? You know, I feel like Ace finally got what he deserves.
Jenfer? Well, Matty, I guess I would say, "Ace, you hurt me real badly when you left me before we had our baby which is now First Lady's baby, but I've moved on, baby.
And, I forgive you.
" That's what I would say if I saw Ace, which I won't 'cause he's going to die in that mine-shaft.
Now, speaking of the shaft, let's talk to our last hot husband, Tim.
Hi, Matty.
Who is that? - That's my husband, Tim.
- You have a husband? Yes, Tim.
- Were you here the whole time? - Mmm-hmm.
Now, you may not know Tim because he was edited out of the show for time and for being boring, so, Tim, can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Okay, Tim McAllister, I am Callie's husband, of course.
We got separated before the show.
Uh, got back together during, trying to make things work out.
Marriage, it's a real chore.
You know, you got to put your shoulder into it and really do the work.
And I was actually at most of those parties I was at the hotel party and also the book release party as well.
Uh, I remember I had a good piece of cheese at one of those parties.
Might have been a Euro, no, no, no, that was, it was butter.
Sorry, I thought it was cheese.
But, I guess that never made it onscreen actually, I'm realizing now.
We're really sorry about that.
But, actually, after hearing from you today, not so much.
You know, honestly, I sometimes, just forget he's even there, which is why it was easy for us to get back together.
- That makes sense.
- Very underwhelming! Now, speaking of weird relationships, Tim, how did you feel when you saw Callie with her brother, Vance? Uh, well, not great, actually.
And, I'm sorry to raise my voice there, but, it was, uh When he moved into Callie's house and also into her bed, uh, I was in that bed and it was, uh, it was pretty crowded.
It was and it was selfish that you would take that time away from us.
That's a fair criticism.
Yeah.
Well, let's take a look back at some of your most exciting moments.
God is above and Hades below.
Come forth and suckle on my supple teat.
We both love my brother more than anything in the world.
Yes, see, I actually said something there.
I know 'cause I put it in my word journal.
I think I said, "Excuse me!" or something like that, but you couldn't put that on? Again, it was just too boring not to edit out.
You know, and I can't even guarantee that you'll actually be in this show because you're seriously not bringing the heat.
I'd hate to put you in this position where you'd feel like you'd have to promise anything.
Well, you'll be feeling the heat of anticipation when we come back from break and reveal the results of Jenfer's paternity test.
That's right, we'll reveal her new baby daddy.
Oh, no! You know who I was thinking it could be? Do you remember the cater-waiter who was at the, uh I just wish I wasn't so drunk.
Hello again and goodbye to this.
No! Now, the Hotwives of Las Vegas are known for a lot of things, but this year they were defined by their amazing parties.
Everything from their under the sea drought gala to their wet and wild book party.
These ladies really knew how to let their hair down.
Whoo-hoo.
That being said, Shawndra from Tennessee writes, "Denise, why can't you throw a good party to save your goddamn life?" Oh, my God! - Such a good question.
- Good question.
Well, I don't agree with that person because I think my casino party was a lot of fun.
I mean, where else in Vegas can you play slot machines and roulette? Everywhere! - The grocery store! - Anywhere! - A dollar store! - Every single place! - The airport.
- Bathrooms.
I'm hearing all of this, but I still say that you did not give my casino party a fair chance.
Okay, I'm sorry, we came to your party.
That was us giving you a chance.
And, it was whack, but that's okay for you.
Yes, because, your thing is being a hot mess like my thing is being a politician, an entrepreneur.
No! No, no, no! Wait! That's not true.
Because being an entrepreneur is my thing.
Your thing is being, like, scary skinny.
Again And, my thing is I'm so damn (BLEEP).
Let me finish, you do not let me finish! You let me start, so I can finish.
I am sorry, I was talking before Denise, Leona, so, maybe, you might like to let me finish before you start and finish.
I just want to start before you guys finish and just remind you that I know something about Callie that she would not want you to know for a million years.
You better not finish that! I'm not going to! But I could.
Okay.
Oh, I don't think I'm totally as over my addiction as I thought, I can't yell for as long as everybody can anymore.
- Oh, no! - Oh! Honey No! No! She's faking.
Pay attention to me, y'all.
I'm the sick one, y'all, I have a condition.
Y'all, the only thing fake about me is My fingertip.
Think about me.
Look for my fingertip.
Everybody, look for my fingertip.
You threw it in my face.
Look for it, you bitches.
Why did you throw it at me? Where did it go? I found it! I found it! Actually, no, that's a cashew.
Oh! Oh, damn! I think I just ate the fingertip.
I thought it was the cashew.
I bring them because I have low blood sugar and I just gulped it right down.
Oh, my.
The only thing worse than throwing shade is throwing your finger.
That (BLEEP) is nasty! And, you know what, we never even got to finish arguing about letting each other finish.
Right.
And, y'all didn't even let me finish throwing my fingertip before Leona had to go and eat it like a pig.
Hey! Don't you throw shade at me? Not when my son is still in the building! Now, while they figure that out, it's time to reveal the result of our paternity test.
Who is the father of Jenfer's baby? And the father is Tim.
Who? Who is that? Oh! Hey! I might have just had the best glass of water of my whole life just now.
Is that Tim? Who is Tim? You know me.
I have the sock blog.
- Don't engage.
- And now, a toast.
To Las Vegas! To Las Vegas!