The Hotwives of Orlando (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

1 It's hard to believe that God could make a heaven more beautiful than Orlando.
MATTY G: It's been a season of drama I really don't want any drama tonight.
I do not want drama this weekend.
MATTY G: filled with highs and lows.
- Oh! - Yeah! - Oh, my God.
- Oh! I think he's dead.
You know what? (BLEEP) you! MATTY G: But now it's time to calm down Do not tell me to calm down.
Calm down, bitch! Oh, you need to calm down.
(SCREAMING) MATTY G: because we're gonna catch up with the hotwives of Orlando.
Shalom, and welcome to The Hotwives of Orlando Reunion Special.
I'm Matty Greene, and we are coming to you live from Orlando's oldest and most upscale restaurant, Papa Paul's Pizzeria Palace.
(ALL CHEERING) I am joined by all the hotwives.
Welcome, ladies.
ALL: Hi, Matty.
Hi, Tawny.
Hi, Matty.
Looking good.
Veronica, you look glamorous, as uge.
Well, you know I'm a glamourpuss.
Especially in my Okay, Shauna, hello.
What do you mean by that? - Miss Phe Phe - Always (LAUGHING) Crystal, how are you? My life is perfect.
Amanda, knock-knock.
Oh, uh, who's who's there? - Amanda.
- Amanda who? Amanda you.
You are Amanda.
(ALL LAUGHING) Matty, you're bad.
All right.
To start off, everyone wants to know the status of our favorite frenemies.
What is going on with Tawny and Shawna? Well, Matty, I love Shawna with all of my heart, and things were going great for us when the show ended, but then I don't even know what happened.
She stopped talking to me for no reason.
I stopped talking to her 'cause she tweeted that I was a psychopath.
And then I googled that word and found out it was not very nice.
I did that because on her blog she wrote that I was a whore.
I only blogged that because she went on Instagram and posted a photo of me that was not flattering.
I only did that because on Foursquare she checked into a Ruby Tuesday's, and she knows I have been banned there for life.
Okay, those sound like completely irreconcilable differences, so let's move on to you, Amanda.
You have recently been in rehab.
How's that been going? Well, it was going really, really good.
And, uh, then the producers said that I was contractually obligated to be here tonight.
And just being out, I already am desperate to drink again.
Well, we really hope that you get the help that you need.
I was, until now.
Great.
Now, let's get on to some viewer questions.
- Ooh.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) Kimberly from Omaha, Nebraska says, "Ladies, I absolutely love you guys " - Oh, Kimberly! - (ALL SQUEALING) " but the amount of plastic surgery that you've all had is disgusting.
Seriously, you all look like monsters.
" Well, that's not really a question, Kim.
(CHUCKLES) And I never had any plastic surgery.
I had some implants and some Botox, but that's not plastic surgery.
TAWNY: I've had a face implant, I've had a stapling, I've had parts of my body, you know Okay, I'm going to say I am gonna say that that is All of these things are plastic surgery.
No, when you take your butt and put it on your face, that's not surgery.
That is your butt on your face.
No, that is surgery 'cause you did it through surgery.
- No.
- Great question, Kimberly.
Moving on.
Viewer Maggie Lawford from Valdosta, Georgia writes, "Crystal, you aren't very nice to your sister.
The way you constantly attacked her made you out to be a real bully.
" - I would agree with that.
- I agree.
- I would agree with that.
- I have something that I really have to tell you guys.
Oh, my gosh.
There was a reason why I acted so horribly.
Oh.
When we were filming the show, I was suffering from a serious disorder.
VERONICA: Oh, darling.
Get to her, get to her.
She needs you.
This is so hard for me to share.
It's called restless leg syndrome.
- Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
- Oh You know, it's like God has given me so much.
(SOBBING) But then he took away my steady legs.
Oh, that's not fair.
Wow.
I think the women are just as shocked as I am.
If you watch some of the episodes, you can totally see it.
We actually have some of that footage.
Let's roll that clip.
You know? (LAUGHING) Ah! AMANDA: Hi, Crystal.
There's something Oh! That's why I don't even like driveways.
I don't think we should Ah! Ah! Wow.
Now, Crystal, it seems like your disorder is just you beating up your sister.
It's restless leg syndrome.
Okay.
Let's move on.
Now, there's been an interesting rumor circulating online about you, Veronica, that you're not British.
Care to address that? I never said I was British.
Really? You you are not British? No.
Why would you think I'm British? Well, your affectation, your accent.
Okay, Matty, when you're white and you're rich, you sound like you're British.
Okay, and let's go to another question.
This one from Dora Finnegan of San Jose, who says, "One of the most touching moments of the season was when Veronica counseled Phe Phe about her marriage.
" It's very difficult in a marriage to rebuild your trust.
I feel so close to you.
I have never felt closer to anybody Did that bring you two closer? I mean, I would definitely say so.
I mean, Veronica is my girl.
Well, Matty, I mean, that's what I thought until I actually watched the episode, and I found Phe Phe to be quite two-faced.
In fact, she said in a testimonial that the doctor completely botched my vaginal lift.
- No.
I never said that.
- Yes.
Yes.
You said that.
- Didn't say it.
- Well, you know what? Let's take a look at the footage we have right here.
Let's see it.
That doctor really botched her vagina up.
Wow.
So it looks like you actually did say it.
Okay, you know this better than anybody.
That is editing.
That is all editing.
What I said was, "Some people might say that the doctor botched her vagina up.
" But I think it looks good.
Actually, we have that footage as well.
Let's take a look.
Let me be clear.
I am not saying that other people might think it looks botched.
I am saying that I, Phe Phe, think it looks botched.
No, no.
Okay.
But they cut around the part where I said, "I wish that my vagina still looked half as good as hers.
" All right, let's see.
Thank God my vagina does not look like that.
It is crazy up in there.
When I say "crazy" I mean "crazy" like we say it in the hood.
Like, "crazy good".
I don't mean "crazy" like "good crazy".
I mean that shit is (BLEEP) up.
Like somebody stapled that (BLEEP) closed or something.
- (GASPS) - This is editing, okay? - Well, I'm glad we could clear that up.
- Oh, really? You're here.
Uh-huh.
We're going to have to do a little bit of editing of our own as we take a commercial break.
- (LAUGHING) - But when we come back, we will have the hot husbands of Orlando joining us.
Stay tuned.
So do we still have to sit here? Shut up! Can I hear from this section! (WHOOPING) Why the sunglasses? My clients have a lot of husbands.
Well, our hotwives would be nothing without their hot husbands, and we have them all here tonight, and one of their trainers.
Welcome, gentlemen.
So, let's just talk about the elephant in the room.
I'm of course talking about Anthony.
- Now, Anthony, you - You callin' me an elephant? I'm not talking about a literal elephant.
I am actually talking about the handcuffs that you're wearing.
Oh, 'cause elephants wear handcuffs all the time.
Well, no, that you are clearly in prison right now for the fraud that you committed.
Allegedly.
SHAUNA: No.
No, no, no.
We did it.
I'm proud of what we did.
Fraud is hard.
You know, there are things like murder that are easy, but fraud, you gotta be smart to do what we did.
So you're admitting now, on national television, that you also were part of the fraud? Oh, I was the brains behind the operation.
You know, behind every good man is a woman with hot tits.
So now, has prison been hard on you? Well, I'll be honest, Matty.
The time that I've spent away from Shauna and my four or five kids has been the happiest time of my life.
Wow.
Really? I mean, there's no bills to pay, I get three squares a day.
- The women are hot.
- Excuse me? Wait, now, the women? Uh, there are no women in a men's prison.
Well, Matty, I'm I'm having There's no women? Uh, no.
'Cause they have female prisons and male prisons.
Good to know.
Boom.
Well, besides Shauna and Anthony, the other couple that was the talk of the show was Phil and Tawny.
- MATTY G: Hi.
- Hey, Matty.
Hey.
Great to have you here.
Great to be here, Matty.
Thanks for having me.
Now, Tawny, here's a question from one of our viewers from Highland Park, Illinois.
She writes, "Why don't you just leave Phil? It's clear you're just with him for the money.
" Oh, that's a good question.
(SIGHING) Wow.
Um, Matty you know, during this season I received a lot of tweets from people who said I was a gold-digger.
I only tweeted that once.
And, you know, it was true.
I was using Phil for his money, which is why I've divorced him.
- PHE PHE: Oh, my God.
- Good girl.
Good girl.
- Good girl.
- ANTHONY: Wow.
Wow.
That's right.
Phil and I are divorced, and I am actually making my own - My own money, for once in my life.
- MATTY G: Wow.
(ALL APPLAUDING) Wow.
Very good.
Very good.
So, I don't have to rely on a man any longer.
That is so wonderful.
Oh, good for you.
I'm so proud of you.
Good for you.
Now what are you doing to make that money? I am an escort.
Oh.
So, sisters doin' it for themselves.
- Yeah! - Whoo! Now, an escort is kind of like a prostitute.
No.
Matty.
No, I'm a call girl.
You know, after the prostitution lessons I said to myself, "Girl, you good at this.
" (LAUGHS) You know? When you have a calling, you're just you know, like you say.
- "Girl, you good at it.
" - I don't.
I never.
She says it more like, (DRAWING OUT WORDS) "Girl, you good at it.
" No, she says, "Girl, you good at it.
" (ALL IMITATING PHE PHE) What I say? "Girl " That is right.
MATTY G: "You good " "Not on my watch.
" - Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
- "You good at it.
" - Yes.
Yes.
- "Good at it.
" So no more gold-digging for Tawny.
That is right.
No one can ever accuse me of sleeping with an older man for money for as long as I live.
Well, now, that's exactly what you're doing, right? Yeah.
That is exactly what you're doing.
Yeah, that's the definition of Textbook definition of it, actually.
Let's call a whore a whore.
Stop.
Stop bullying me.
Look at those whore hands.
I don't have to take this.
I don't have to take this, and I won't.
Okay, Tawny is out.
And you just try to stop me.
Everybody try to stop me.
'Cause I'll go.
I'll get gone.
Know what? I'm out.
I'm out.
I'm out! Is there something to eat? Oh, my God.
I'm hungry too.
Okay.
Moving on, let's get to Amanda I'm back, I'm back, I'm back.
Just you know what? I'm back, I'm back.
You know why I'm back? I am back because I am the bigger person.
Continue.
No, continue.
Everybody, continue.
MATTY G: Well, let's get back to Amanda.
Now, Amanda, the last time we saw you, you were getting married.
(SHUTTER CLICKING) Right, uh, see, I sobered up, and realized that I'm only gay when I'm an alcoholic.
Oh, me too.
I'm exactly like that.
- Yeah? Yeah.
- Exactly.
So, anyways, you know, if I start drinking again, I can guarantee it, I'll definitely get back up on those tits and get up on 'em hard, 'cause they were they were pretty great.
Well, I'm sure Jo is hoping that you do fall off the wagon.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, Matty.
- AMANDA: She was special.
She's the only person that ever really showed me love.
Well, you've actually had a lot of people show you love, and you had multiple partners this season.
Let's take a look.
Mmm.
Mmm.
(COOING) I mean, I can't believe you made out with Lover.
That was my baby.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have dressed him up so sexy to tempt me.
Are you saying Lover was asking for it? He was a sexy dog.
That doesn't mean you make out with him.
- You just said it.
- He was a sexy dog.
He was a sexy dog, but he was my sexy dog.
Well, you weren't there.
Well, speaking of people that are always there, Billy, how are you? I'm great.
I just passed all my midterms, uh, so Veronica's taking me to Fiji.
My mom said I could go, so score.
(LAUGHS) Now, Veronica, there seems to be a lot of discussion about the age difference.
What do you feel about that? You know, he's not that much older than I am.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Do you know what I mean? - No, it's the other way.
- ALL: Other way.
Oh, that's Okay, well, I'm actually surprised that you would all say that, because most people think that I'm much younger than he is.
- What? - What people? Where? Who? We're talking about him.
- Take it easy.
- You don't tell my husband what to do.
You don't tell my husband.
Get your finger out of my face.
Get your finger out of my face.
BOTH: Get your finger out of my face! Get your finger out of my face! Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Can I just say one thing? Billy and I have some very exciting news.
Um, as you all know, I've always wanted to be a mum, but we have many generations of madness in my family.
So we are adopting a child.
(ALL CHEERING) Oh, shalom.
Almost as good as the real ones.
Yeah, he's a little boy from Africa, and, you know, we're fostering him right now, but hopefully, he'll be coming home to us very soon.
I think we actually have a picture.
Can we pull up that picture? - PHE PHE: Oh, good Lord.
- BILLY: There he is.
- Oh, isn't he so cute? - He's so cute.
VERONICA: Couldn't you just eat him up? Well, obviously, I'm going to breastfeed.
It's a big commitment, but I'm willing to take that on.
Attachment parenting, as I'm sure you guys know, it's very instructive for a child.
You're gonna stick your tit in his face? Yes, I'm going to stick both of them in his face.
I think that, as a mother, I need to do what's right for, uh, Chikangwow.
Unsolicited tip.
That man will rip your new vagina.
Be careful.
- Seriously? - Be careful.
Well, it seems like you two are as solid as ever.
And when we get back from our commercial break, we're gonna talk about a couple that isn't so solid, which means their relationship is a failure, and they'll probably die alone.
That's got to be Phe Phe.
I have got to be Phe Phe.
I got to be Phe Phe.
I'm so good at bein' Phe Phe (VOCALIZING) Welcome back to The Hotwives of Orlando Reunion Special.
Our hotwives are here with their hot husbands, everyone except for Phe Phe, who's here alone.
VERONICA: Aw.
All alone.
Now, Phe Phe, this season you and Rodney went through a lot of ups and downs.
You divorced, you were remarried, and then you were re-divorced.
Where do you stand now? Well, we got re-remarried.
But then he had sex with my manicurist, so we got divorced again.
But I'm not ruling out a reconciliation, you know? Divorce is what makes our marriage work.
Speaking of making it work, TJ and Crystal, what's new with you two? Oh, thanks for asking.
You know, we're really excited.
We got a new sitcom on the Christian Broadcast Network.
It's based on our lives.
- Now, you guys are working with Kirk Cameron on this? - CRYSTAL: Yes.
I met him at a Christian rock climbing wall.
It's based on us because we're so funny together, y'all.
We are a fun, funny relationship.
Mmm-hmm.
- That's what the show's about.
- Exactly, you know Woman, do I get a word in edgewise or what? - Oh, no, I'm sorry.
- Close your yapper.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- MEN: Whoa, whoa.
See what I mean? We are so funny! The premise, it's actually a take on the old I Dream of Jeannie.
Real funny.
I keep her in a room that looks like a bottle.
- Yeah.
- And then she has to do stuff I tell her.
Yeah, and it's called Crystal, Are You Clear? - (TJ LAUGHING) - That's like his catchphrase.
- He's always like, "Crystal, are you clear?" - I'm always saying that.
Because sometimes I just don't listen.
"Don't make me get the brush, Crystal.
" Get the brush? I just whack her on the calf with a wooden hairbrush.
CRYSTAL: Just a little bit.
Just a little bit.
Well, it's really great to see that you guys are getting along so well.
But let's move away from that, and into viewer mail.
Alli from Orlando writes, "Tawny, I love how you dress.
Where do you get those outfits? "Also, do you know that Heath one time slept with Amanda?" What? It was before the dog.
Before she was with the dog.
I don't remember, but if I did, I just thank you so much, Heath.
Thank you so much.
That was a great question from our friend Alli in Orlando.
That person sounds familiar to me.
Could that be Alli, my best friend? It is.
She's stirring up trouble still, even when she's not in the room.
Let's bring out Crystal's friend, Alli.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
Hi, girls! (SQUEALING) I missed you.
Make some room MATTY G: They don't no, they don't want You know what, that's okay.
I'm gonna head to the other couch.
- ALLI: Not another skinny lady - Ow! Ow, Allie.
Ow.
Mmm.
(LAUGHS) I'm just gonna Here we go.
Here's my spot.
I'm cozy.
Now, Alli, you seem to have started every single fight this entire season.
Thank you.
Now, if you could do it again, would you do it any differently? Absolutely, you know, I really would.
Like, I've learned my lesson, you know? Like, I wouldn't tell you that Anderson Cooper is a better gay host than you.
But you actually just did say that.
No, I was being a really good friend by not saying it.
MATTY G: Well, let's figure it out next season.
When I will be joining you as the newest hotwife! - What? - No you won't.
Mmm, you never know.
Well, I produce the show, so I do.
You will not be a hotwife.
Or will I? You'll never be a hotwife.
Now, when we come back, we'll get the answers to our online quiz, where you'll find out which hotwife is matched up to which STD they're getting currently treated for.
- WOMEN: Ooh! - Chlamydia.
Shauna told me she has more than any of you.
What? This is my daughter's fifth birthday.
I want her to own this place and feel like she owns you.
SHANA: Mommy, why do we have to live in a car? Shut up, Shana.
Welcome back.
One last question.
Shauna, if you go to jail because you admitted your guilt on this reunion special, who will take care of your children? Uh, well, I consider these women my family.
They're the closest, most wonderful people in the world.
So, of course, they should go to someone here, and I want to say that, Tawny, you're my best friend, and I want you to have my kids if I go to jail.
That means so much to me.
I love you so much.
I can't take them, unfortunately.
I'm so busy with my new job.
Unless your four or five kids need an escort.
Um, okay.
Then next I would go to Crystal.
I think you should have my kids.
Oh, my gosh.
I would love to, but we're just so busy with the new show.
And also, I don't want to.
Okay, then Phe Phe.
Oh, hell no.
I don't want them feral-ass kids.
(GASPS) Shauna, Phe Phe just called your kids feral.
- Is that good or bad? - It's bad! I'm your best friend! Don't you dare talk about my family! Hey, let's take it easy, okay? Phe Phe was just saying, you know, your kids are wild.
Just calm down.
What did you say to me? What did you say to me? I will not calm down! (THUD) Ow.
This is very heavy.
All right, well, let me at least help you.
Okay, put your leg Careful.
Yeah.
Lift with your legs.
There we go.
Don't you dare tell me to calm down! You get your finger out of my face.
Yeah? Well, you started this.
(ALL SHOUTING) Everybody, just chill.
Just take a deep breath, and Ow! (GROANING) Dude, you all right? Hey, Phil.
Hey, get some help here.
PHIL: Tawny, I love you.
Phil, we are not getting back together.
(GRUNTS) Phil.
Phil? (GASPS) He's gone.
He's Phil! Someone get help! No! Phil! I should never have divorced Phil.
I was so close to being a rich widow.
I was so close.
(BLEEP) (SOBBING) Thanks for joining us tonight on The Hotwives of Orlando Reunion Special.
I think we should celebrate this season with a toast.
ALL: Oh.
Oh, boy.
To Orlando.
ALL: To Orlando.