The Jack and Triumph Show (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

1 The Jack and Triumph Show is taped in front of a guy who can't believe he's here with his mom.
Ya-da, da-da-da, here comes Triumph Ya-da, ya-be-doo-be-doo Okay, but are we almost done? Because I kind of have to check June's laundry.
Yeah, yeah.
Not yet, okay? Wikipedia's more important.
This guy gets all my commercial gigs.
He's got to pay.
Now, read back the last changes.
"Denis Leary" "Denis Colin Leary, best known as 'the leathery lesbian,' "is a vagina-flavored comedian and author.
" Change "author" to, uh "zoo animal flasher.
" "And zoo animal flasher.
"He is best known for his groundbreaking HBO special "entitled The Best of Louis C.
K.
and Bill Hicks.
" Now go to "Awards.
" Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Yes? Hello? Triumph, it's Abe.
Are you editing Denis Leary's Wikipedia page? Abe, I have no idea what you're talking about.
It's-- It's probably some wayward youth with too much time on his hands because his discarded foreskin of an agent thinks that Denis Leary is his only client.
Fine, fine, fine.
Listen, listen.
I think something did come up.
Someone asked about you a few weeks ago here, Some-- Some company in Irkutsk, Siberia.
Apparently, your show's pretty big out there.
What? Why didn't you call me? They wanted you and your friend Jack, too.
And anyway, you don't want to go all the way to Siberia.
Not for 20 grand.
What? All right.
It's been great talking to you, Abe.
Yeah.
Okay, but look.
How are you gonna get Jack to do it? I'll figure it out! Ya-pa-poo-pa-pe-pa Mmm.
Another excellent vegan casserole, June.
Well, Jack, I just hope that you never have to hear the haunting sound of cows being killed.
Oh, Jack already knows those haunting sounds from the time he walked in on you and Brian Dennehy having sex behind the set.
So, Jack, uh, speaking of health hazards, is everything okay at work? Is the boss still running you ragged? Making you hand out those folded maps? Oh, no.
Actually, those just sit on a desk.
It's up to the visitors to take one.
So, it's out of your control? That must make you feel as powerless as June's bladder.
What are you ranting about, Dr.
Sanjay Poopta? Please! His skin is a sickly pink.
His pulse is eerily steady.
Classic stress fever.
Oh, no.
B-but I feel good.
Really? Do you feel like any particular amount of money? I mean, I guess I feel like - A million bucks.
- A million bucks? How did you know? You're already in stage two.
This sounds like bullshit.
Oh, no no.
This is bad.
I've got to relax, but quick.
There's only one cure.
You need to take a vacation.
Someplace quiet and tropical.
But where? Wait, of course.
The most relaxing place on Earth Irkutsk, Russia.
Irkutsk.
Oh, beaches, waterslides, the city of Miami.
Oh! Russia sounds perfect.
Oh, I'm gonna do some serious relaxing.
Oh, yes.
Up top.
Ooh, boy.
Irkutsk is a lot colder than it looks in poorly labeled fliers.
Oh, no.
It's great.
I think the whole Celsius- and-Fahrenheit-conversion thing - is just throwing you off.
- Oh.
Oh, well, let's check into the hotel so I can hit the slides.
Oh, we are totes going to check out the hotel and major beach-bunny action.
But-- But first, there's this other cool place that offers major chillaxion.
Be-bop-boo Huh.
Is this really the Irkutsk Hard Rock? Uh Yeah, sure, sure.
Uh, I only see a picture of Phil Collins.
Dobri-din, Jack and Triumph.
Oh.
My name is Victor Kovachenko.
Oh, hello.
Hey.
It is an honor to have the the stars of Triumph's Boy here with us.
Like everyone in Irkutsk, I have seen every episode 300 times.
What? Triumph, what is going on here? You know how they filmed our show on low-quality tape that gave all the editors mercury poisoning? Well, that's all Siberian video machines can handle.
Isn't it great? We're still big stars here.
Now we are so proud that you are making a television commercial for us.
A commercial? I'm sorry, but no.
Show business is like an aboveground pool.
I can't get into it without getting hurt.
But, uh But Jew dog said on phone-- Jack, come on.
These people love us.
Well, maybe.
But what about my well-earned vacation? Don't worry, Jack.
I can take your half of the fee.
That way, it's not even technically work.
Ya ba da boo ba bee ba Deystviye! Stras-troi-cha, Irkutsk.
You watched me grow up on TV.
But every morning, I fill up on Pashkov Horse Bacon.
Horse bacon? That's right, Jack.
Pashkov Say "ne-e-e-igh" to an empty stomach.
Pashkov Horse Bacon, now with added hormone to make horse gigantic.
Vyrezat! Triumph, Jack, that was superb.
Are we done here? Can I please go to the beach now? The what? Oh, right.
The lies.
Forget that.
Zdravstvujtye, Irkutsk! Alan Thicke.
Alan Thicke.
What the [bleep.]
is Alan Thicke doing here? What are you doing in Siberia? Is that where you career goes to warm up? Watch your mouth.
This is star of Growing Pain.
We love it.
Show also recorded on low-grade tape.
I see you needed cue cards.
With Pashkov Horse Bacon, the only growing pains you'll have are in your taste buds.
Laugh it up Television's other creepy dad.
Of course, unlike Cosby, you didn't need pills to make women fall asleep.
Anyway, screw it.
We're getting paid either way, Jack.
Excuse me.
I must unfortunately tell you there is a problem.
This is our client, Elena Ekalakavarakova a.
k.
a.
the horse-meat queen.
Client is concerned about both your commercials.
Yes.
She clearly believes that audience would be disturbed by the grown-up face of Jack and Alan's very visible erection.
I work how I work.
Of course.
Client feels that there is a solution for this.
She would like you to bring your supporting cast members.
And whoever brings the most former cast members by Thursday gets commercial and gets paid.
Oh, jingy, jingy, ooh.
Wallet.
Yeah, Joanna Kerns, please.
Hey, Joanna.
Yeah, it's your old Jason Seaver toy here.
Yeah.
You know, it's Alan.
Alan Thicke.
Yeah, that-- Yeah.
Listen, I'm, uh, doing a commercial in Siberia And wondering if, uh, maybe you'd like to join me here, huh? Huh? Huh? Oh, good.
Dynamite.
Yes.
Excellent.
Well, I'll have my agent call your agent with the deets.
Okay.
Well, looks like I got a head start.
May the best man win.
That's me, get it? You're a dog.
But you're a Canadian.
Hey, at least I don't hit up my son's groupies for a place to sleep! All right.
Still time to hit that waterpark.
This hide has got to slide.
Okay.
I got your hat covered.
Don't worry.
Okay, think.
Think.
Need to book Triumph's Boy cast members.
But who? Soviet almanac of Triumph's Boy.
Okay.
The sheriff.
No.
I crapped in his shoes way too many times.
Uh, fat kid next door.
No.
Talked his girlfriend into dumping him for Judge Reinhold.
Judge Reinhold.
No.
Indirectly responsible for his herpes.
Aah! This is torture! Wait a minute.
Torture.
Russ, my old trainer.
He's probably on better terms with these guys than I am.
Long distance here is probably reasonable.
Howdy-do.
Russ, it's Triumph.
The hell do you want, you little pud-sucker? Yeah.
I don't have time to square dance, Gomer.
I need you to round up the old gang for a commercial - in Irkutsk, Siberia.
- Help you? After you convinced that dalmatian that I was the father of her child? You never consented to a DNA test! I'll give you 200 bucks and a Klonopin for every one you can get.
I'm on it.
Hey, Kirk.
Kirk Cameron, yeah.
Hey.
Alan Thicke calling you here.
Yeah, I'm doing a-a-an ad here, commercial in Siberia for horse bacon.
And, uh, they're wondering if maybe we could get the whole cast of Growing Pains here.
Huh? What do you think? Horse bacon.
Yeah.
Well, hey, hey, hey.
All of the proceeds will go to christian ministries.
Yeah.
And, uh All of the horses they slaughtered are gay.
What do you think? Yep.
Heathen gay horses, yeah.
What? Hey.
Okay.
Dial tone.
Got it.
Hey, there.
Hi.
Is there a shuttle to the waterpark? Um, "the splashtastic slip-and-drip wild-water trip fun plunge.
" Oh, okay.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Uh, "splashtastic slip-and-drip wild-water trip fun plunge.
" "30 minutes from Miami.
"Wild, wet fun for the whole family.
" Does anybody know where this waterpark is? Hi.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, I'm looking for Mount Spillimanjaro.
The people at the hotel didn't even know what I was talking about.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It sounds like you're mumbling.
Gracias.
Gracias.
Hey! Uh, you're a local.
You can help me.
I'm trying to get to the water slides.
I don't understand what you're saying.
Do you have a concussion? Well, hello.
Hello.
Uh, I am on vacation.
Do you know where I can find fun? Water slide.
Water slide.
Water.
The waterpark.
Water.
Psh.
Water.
Psh, psh, psh, psh! Yeah.
I-I get it.
I get it.
I'm a tourist, and all the locals want to keep the waterpark a big secret.
I don't know why.
I was gonna spend money there, and-- and just enjoy a rare v-vacation.
I've earned this vacation.
I have earned a vacation! Good day.
Sufferin' Somalians.
Jack, what the hell happened to your arm? Aah! Ah, shoot.
First, no water slide, now this.
Oh, probably why I can't feel any of my toes or penises.
Hey, guys.
Jack.
Remember me? Of course.
You're Triumph's old trainer.
Oh, you could get him to do the cutest little head tilt with just a pinch of the testicles.
That's when trainers were trainers.
Now, look who I rounded up.
You got me.
Yay! But here's Danny, that little fella who stood in for Jack.
Heya, guys.
This is it? Come on.
Don't worry.
I got more.
Hey! Come here.
The Dell dude.
What? The Dell dude has nothing to do with our show! He was available.
Of course he's available! He's the Dell dude! We're so screwed.
Well, there's got to be a way we can get June to come help us.
Right, Triumph? I've got it.
Stupid Russian idea bulbs.
This is June.
June! Help! Me and Jack kidnapped by Russian mobsters Grave danger Jack already lost his arm.
Definitely not my fault.
By who? I said Russians.
No, the name of the organization.
I don't know.
Satan's Dick Ring.
Like my band.
What? No, we're not gonna call it-- Satan's Dick Ring? They sound awful.
Fine.
Whatever.
Come alone Full makeup Camera ready.
Oh, no.
My poor Jackie.
Boo ba-bee-ba June should have been here hours ago! What's taking so long? Do you think it would help if we cut off the other arm? I can't prove it wouldn't, so we should probably try.
Oh, there she is! June, come in.
The door's broken.
Oh.
It's not June, everybody.
It's just a trick-or-treater in a melted Robin Thicke mask.
So, what's up? Come to gloat? No, no.
Quite the contrary.
In fact, none of my cast members showed up.
But I saw you talking to TV's Joanna Kerns.
Ah, deception.
All of it.
Nah, Joanna hasn't returned my calls since she found me secretly living in her attic.
Wait a minute.
Alan, are you willing to work with us and to do something that, up to this point, you've only done in private? Oh.
You mean bop it to my own Playgirl centerfold? Uh, no.
Something that you actually might be embarrassed about.
Ya ba-da-boo ba-be-ba Mr.
Triumph, we are concerned.
What? What's wrong? I got all these Triumph's Boy mainstays here for you.
There's-- I got me and Jack, and, look, uh, here's Russ, the old trainer, and, uh, down there's Danny, the guy who stood in for Jack, and, uh, there's, uh, Jack's TV mom, June.
Hello.
Okay.
All right.
Let's roll.
Let's roll.
You are short more than a few cast members.
You are short a part of Jack.
"If he was living here, We'd have him executed as a useless monster.
" This is simply not going to work.
Relax, Russki.
I got this.
We have commercial.
Yes.
We're good.
Okay.
Places, everyone! Say, "Neigh!" to an empty stomach with Pashkov Horse Bacon.
And grow strong to endure life's brutal indifference.
And be sure to try Pashkov's new Innocent Puppy Bacon.
Oh.
What? I'm cool with it.
Perfect.
Now, everybody not allergic to radiation, dig into the bacon.
Oh! Freeze, Satan's Dick Ring! We have you surrounded.
They're here, just like the old lady said they were.
Old lady? Keep rolling.
Don't stop.
Uh, no.
It's okay.
We're working with the Russians.
Oh, they're double agents.
Wha-- What do we do with them? Throw a grenade? Couldn't hurt.
Aah! It's okay.
It looks like it was a Russian grenade.
Lights? Cameras? I knew it.
Aah! You took my Jackie all the way to Siberia to make a [bleep.]
commercial.
Hold on.
Two Alan Thickes? I swear, I'm going to rip your dick out through-- Nooooo! By now, we've all heard about the Russian kidnapping crisis that turned out to be nothing more than a pathetic hoax-- viral marketing for a critically reviled Pasadena thrash-metal band and Pashkov Foods, the makers of a lesser brand of Siberian horse bacon.
The stunt was apparently masterminded by purported animal rights activist June Gregory seen here in a still recovered from a Russian video camera.
Here to defend herself via satellite, we have June Gregory.
Welcome, June.
Thank you, Ms.
Maddow.
Now, what's a vegan, an animal rights activist like yourself doing advertising discount horse bacon, much less eating it? Rachel, dear, I've said it once, and I'll say it again.
That bacon was propelled into my mouth by an exploding grenade.
And now I've got an arm just like a Ken Doll.
I see.
She's got him well trained.
Doesn't she, Larry? Who's kidding who? This woman is insatiable.
She's had more Russian horse meat inside her than Catherine the Great.
Will you shut up? This is all your fault! Hey! See what she's doing, Larry? This is the only way she can achieve orgasm.
It's sad, but-- It's sad, but -- Purported animal rights activist June Gregory - Help! Help! - strangling a dog on live television - Larry! Do something! - in callow pursuit of a sex thrill.
I am certainly not - Larry! - buying that woman's story.
Coming up, comedian Denis Leary.
Does he collect Pol Pot memorabilia and flash zoo animals? So says Wikipedia.
Back in a moment.