The John Bishop Show (2015) s01e07 Episode Script
Episode 7
1 APPLAUSE MUSIC: Know You by Bonobo CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Sylvia from Cirque Bijou.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.
I loved that.
I loved that.
I love that idea as well of multiple people.
I wouldn't want it myself, because, obviously, it's my show.
I like things to be HE CLEARS THROA What are you doing here? This is my show.
There's only There's only one of me.
Not three.
Listen, I've got my own super powers, you.
Yes, and you, hiding at the back.
Get off.
You, get off.
Go on.
Thank you.
OK.
Hey, I've got one more super power left, you.
The ultimate dad one.
Get out! APPLAUSE Let's be honest - that's never not funny, is it? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to my show.
It's brilliant to be here in the famous Hackney Empire.
It is beginning to feel like home now.
It really is.
I'm spending that much time in London, I've actually now got a flat in London.
CHEERING It wasn't my idea.
It was my wife's idea.
She said, "You're up and down to hotels.
Why don't you get a flat? "Somewhere you can stay.
" I thought, "Isn't that nice?" I said to one of my mates, "Isn't that nice and considerate?" And my mate said, "What she's done, she's just got a really cheap divorce.
" "She's made you piss off without any solicitors.
" And I have.
I've ended up with this flat and it is my flat and everyone said to me, "What'll happen is, you'll end up being like a student and the standards'll start slipping.
" I went, "No, they won't.
" They said, "They will.
"You'll end up not flushing when you go for a wee.
" And I thought that wouldn't happen and then when I stood there in the sink the other day LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Don't clap, cos not all of these are jokes! But because I've got this flat, I've ended up having to do things like buy new sets of clothes, because when you stay in a hotel, you take the clothes that you need in a bag for the night but when you stay in a flat, you assume you've got stuff there, so I've had to go shopping, which is brilliant and as I say, going shopping around London's been a hell of experience.
It shows what a melting pot London is.
I went into a shop last week You probably won't believe this, but I went into a shop last week in Oxford Street and the lad who was serving me was from England, and I said, "No!" I said, "I'm from England too.
" So he said, "No, I can't believe.
"You're from England, I'm from England!" APPLAUSE But I have.
I've ended up having to go shopping for stuff because I keep on leaving stuff at home and it's weird shopping for your own clothes, like at my age.
I haven't shopped for my own clothes on my own for at least 20 years.
It's like coming out of prison.
I don't know half the things to do cos it's a confusing thing for men now.
When we were kids, it was straightforward.
When we were kids, you would go to Burton's or you'd go to Topman or, you know, if you were into Duran Duran, you'd go to Miss Selfridge.
Now, at our age, you've got to start going into shops that you don't belong and it's wrong.
It's just wrong.
They should have signs outside saying, "This shop isn't for you.
" You know where you have washing instructions on labels - they should have age instructions, as well, to show you how age-appropriate it is.
I've worked out a little system now that if you're in a shop and the two assistants are trying to help you, if their combined age is less than yours, you're in the wrong shop.
Now it's just a confusing thing and there's a whole raft of new shops out there that shouldn't exist.
I went into a shop the other week.
I had to use the torch on my phone to find my way out of the shop.
That's not right, is it? APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? AUDIENCE: Yes! The comedian that I'm going to bring onto the stage, I actually first shared the bill with at a comedy festival in Ireland and he was so funny and you could see, he's got the charisma and the style to make him an absolute star.
His television career goes from strength to strength.
We are lucky to have him here tonight.
Please welcome the very funny Seann Walsh.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
Yes.
Hello.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hello.
It's nice to be Hello! Are you going to go individually, "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hi.
"What's up, bruv? What's happening?" Hello.
Hi.
It's nice to be here.
I live with my girlfriend.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Do you? Thank you, yeah.
You learn who someone really is when you live with them.
You do.
I've learnt that my girlfriend is an early riser.
You know these people? Up.
Straightaway.
"Come on, darling, otherwise you'll miss the day.
" I am TRYING to miss the day! I hate the day.
The day's the bit where you have to do all the stuff you don't want to do.
Isn't it? Work, see people, put lids back on things.
All that crap.
She wakes me up by any means necessary.
She's got a noise gun.
A noise gun.
Do you have a noise gun? A noise gun.
You must do.
A noise gun.
It's got that other function where you dry your hair.
That piece of shit! Oh, God! Bvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv! Every morning, I think I'm waking up in Gatwick.
The other day, she woke me up.
She woke me up And this doesn't even anger me.
Just baffles me.
I'm there, sleeping - my favourite thing to do.
There's nothing better than sleeping.
You can't top it.
I'm there and then suddenly, "Darling?" Hrumph, hrumph! I've got earwax coming out of my eyes.
Hrumph, hrumph! "Is everything all right?" "I made you a cup of tea.
" "Thanks very much ".
.
for that cup of tea I didn't ask for.
" What did I do? Ask for it in my sleep? "Quickly! Get me a cup of tea, please! Quickly! "Please, one sugar, a bit of milk, quickly.
There's a dragon coming.
Please!" I got her back at four in the morning.
"Darling, darling! "I've made you chicken madras.
Darling! Chicken madras.
"Chicken madras.
Poppadoms, garlic naan.
Come on! Wake up.
"I thought you'd like it!" I have changed since I've been with my girlfriend.
I can't believe the person I've turned into.
So boring.
I realised recently, instead of saying to friends, "We should meet for a drink," I've been saying, "We should meet for a coffee.
" Coffee! Who's ever had a story after coffee?! "I was I was yesterday afternoon at the cafe.
Ho-ho-ho! "Well, we went for ONE.
"We ended up having two! Ho-ho-ho! "Then Terry got on the espressos! Ho-ho-ho-ho! "About five o'clock in the afternoon, we all felt a bit weird.
"Show the video.
Go on, show the video.
It's mental.
Look.
Look.
"It's Gary, by the croissants.
" HE LAUGHS Pathetic.
I've got this trendy cafe around the corner that I go to.
I shouldn't go to it, cos they wind me up.
Stop serving my food on a chopping board.
Where are the plates? How has this started? Is there a student in the kitchen, can't be arsed to do the washing up? "Er, just tell them it's trendy.
Ha-ha!" All people do in these trendy cafes is apologise.
That's all they do.
If you're in one, just watch.
Someone will walk in.
"Sorry, sorry, after you.
Sorry.
So sorry.
Thank you.
"Sorry, is someone sitting there? Sorry.
Is it all right to get through? "I'm so sorry.
Can I just squeeze through? Sorry.
Cheers.
Thank you.
"Sorry.
Is that your bag? I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
"I'll just squeeze through.
Cheers.
Thank you so much.
Cheers.
"Just get my coat off.
Going to go and order.
"Is it OK to squeeze through again? I'm so sorry.
"Mind your bag.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you, cheers.
Thank you.
Sorry.
"Sorry, is this the queue? Sorry, it is.
Sorry.
Cheers.
Thanks.
So sorry.
"Thank you.
Cheers.
"Is it me? Is it you? Is it me? It's me! I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
"I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
Can I get a skinny cappuccino, please? Yeah.
"I think Can I get almond milk? Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
"I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Thank you so much.
Cheers.
"Is it all right to pay by card? Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Cheers.
"I'm sorry.
Thank you very much, cheers.
"Is that mine? Is that yours? Is that mine? It's mine? Sorry! So sorry.
"Sorry.
Cheers, thank you.
Sorry, excuse me.
After you.
"Sorry, I do apologise.
Sorry.
Sorry, it's me again.
Sorry.
"Is it all right to squeeze through? I'm so sorry.
"Cheers.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
Watch I didn't spill any.
"Sorry, have I just spilled? Sorry, I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
So sorry.
"Cheers, thank you.
Thank you.
" Oh APPLAUSE It just makes you want to have a drink, doesn't it? I'm going to have a drink.
See you later - take care, bye! Thank you, see ya.
Well done, mate.
Ladies and gentlemen, Seann Walsh! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for some music? AUDIENCE: Yes! I was introduced to this next performer by my oldest son Joe, who's downloaded some of his tunes on MY iTune account by nicking the password.
I would've got angry if the music wasn't brilliant.
Here, performing his single Written In Scars, from the album of the same name, please welcome Jack Savoretti! APPLAUSE # There's a rising on the street tonight # Every woman, man, and child # Through the struggle we will all unite # Watch the cities running wild # We've been lied to by the liars # We've been sold what we can't buy # In our hearts there's a fire # You can see it in our eyes # We are the revolution # We want it all tonight # We want to take back what's rightfully ours # We are the revolution # We want to stand and fight # Map of our lives # Written in scars # Written in scars # There's a riot on the streets tonight # There's a reason for the cause # It's up to us to remember # All the world for coming forth # But I'll be taken by the taker # A fate that awaits us all # Oh # Till the day we meet our maker # We won't be stopped by anyone # We are the revolution # We want it all tonight # We want to take back what's rightfully ours # We are the revolution # We want to stand and fight # Map of our lives # Written in scars # Written in scars # Whoa! # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # Yeah # We are the revolution # We want it all tonight # We want to take back what's rightfully ours # We are the revolution # We want to stand and fight # Map of our lives # Written in scars # Written in scars We are the revolution.
APPLAUSE Thank you, Jack Savoretti! He really is going to be absolutely massive.
Love it.
I was talking before about shopping in London.
Now, I've got to tell you this story, cos I'd come into Oxford Circus, cos I'd had one of those moments where I'd been back to the flat, realised I didn't have enough clean underpants.
So, as a man, you make a choice, don't you? You look at it and think "Another couple of weeks.
" Or do I buy something? I had to go for a meeting in town, I thought, "There'll be a shop.
I'll buy some.
" I was on Oxford Street.
It started to rain.
There's a shop - and if you're from London, you'll know it.
You don't get this anywhere else in the world - there's a shop at the end, just sells umbrellas.
I walked into this umbrella shop.
As I walked in, the guy said to me, "Do you need an umbrella?" I said, "Well, you can have a guess, but, yes.
" He said, "We have umbrellas for gentlemen.
"Proper umbrellas, made out of a single piece of wood "that has been framed in our workshop downstairs "that has been going since Victorian times, "and it's made specifically to your height.
"We will cut it so that when you stand there as an English gentleman, "it's to your perfect height.
" I said, "Great.
"I'll have one of them.
" He took this umbrella, he cut it, he came back, he said, "That's your umbrella.
" I said, "Fantastic.
" He said, "ã165.
" I've walked outside the shop - what pissed me off most, it stopped raining! So, I've got this umbrella.
Now, I had to go for this TV meeting.
It was in Soho, so I'm rushing.
I get to Soho, I've had this meeting, I come out the meeting, and I'm rushing past this shop, and I suddenly glanced in, and I could see rows of underpants.
And I thought, "Oh, great.
" Stepped into the shop - I was four steps into the shop when I realised I was in a gay sex shop.
It didn't take long - when you look around and there's a lot of big, buff men with manicured beards looking at you.
And I'm there, stood there, with me umbrella, in this gay sex shop, and I thought, "I can't walk out.
"Cos it'll look like I'm homophobic.
"And I can't just buy the underpants "I'll just I'll just browse "for a while.
" So, I'm browsing in this gay sex shop - I don't know if any straight men in here have ever browsed in a gay sex shop, but there's There's things in there I'd never even thought of, I've got to be honest with you.
I eventually make me way to the underpants, pick up a couple of pair of underpants, go to the cashier, pay for the underpants, and then leave.
I get back to the flat, and I've suddenly realised I've left me umbrella.
The world's most expensive umbrella has been left in a gay sex shop, and I had that moral dilemma "Do I leave it? "No, it's 165 quid, I'm not leaving that!" I looked in the bag, I had the receipt.
The shop - this sums the shop up.
I didn't even notice the name of the shop until I got the receipt out.
The shop's called Prowler.
It couldn't have been more explicit, apart from saying, "Are you gagging for a shag?" The shop's called Prowler - I get it out and I phoned up, and I said, "Hello?" He said, "Hello.
" I said, "Er, hiya, mate, has anyone left an umbrella there?" He said, "Yeah, John Bishop did, earlier.
" Are you ready for some more comedy? AUDIENCE: Yes! I'm bringing to you a local London boy.
He's brilliant, he's funny, he's clever, he's here tonight.
We are blessed to have him.
Please welcome to the stage the very funny, very brilliant Doc Brown.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi! Thank you.
Hey, listen, I just want to take a moment to show some love for John Bishop.
CROWD CHEERS Yeah.
APPLAUSE Principally for his equal opportunity employment policy.
It's appreciated.
It's hard out here.
I've got kids to feed.
I'm a parent.
Anybody else suffer from this affliction? Parents know that good parenting - that is a 24 hours a day, seven days a week, proper job.
Relentless.
CHEERS FROM AUDIENCE OK? Relentless.
Hard graft.
And you know when that job ends? You know when the job ends? When you die.
You know.
That's when it ends.
And I've had some tough jobs in my time.
I used to be a rapper - if you can believe that.
Yeah.
That's where the name Doc Brown comes from.
That's not my real name.
My mum wasn't an idiot.
My name is Ben.
You know, but that was never That wasn't really strong enough for the hip-hop arena.
You know? I don't really rap much any more.
I have nine and six-year-old daughters.
I hang out in ballet schools.
OK? But, you know, I can rap when I want to.
I can still rap.
It's justthe content's changed, you know? It's just different.
Right? Like, now, if you asked me what's my life like, "You know it's cool, bruv.
"I'm up at seven, bitch.
"I'm on the school run.
"I might buy some milk.
"A newspaper too.
"It's hard just keeping up with me, I'm such a crazy dude.
" HE RAPS: "Don't know how I'll make it through another drama day.
"Tea and toast and a little bit of marmalade.
"Spread the butter and the jam with the same knife.
"That's right, baby, I'm a maverick, I ain't lying.
" APPLAUSE "Want to roll with me, guarantee you'll be needing more than luck.
"When I stroll through the park I'll be feeding all the ducks.
"And if you can keep up with the dangerous intents, "might exchange pleasantries with a stranger on a bench.
Yeah! "Every night it gets real at my crib, yeah! "With the special comb, getting nits out my kids' hair.
" APPLAUSE "Two girls with afros.
You don't know my struggle.
"I once spent five hours on a Tinker Bell puzzle.
"But we couldn't find the last piece.
Yeah.
"I feel trapped, man, I can't breathe.
" So, the rap career stalled somewhat.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Before I die, before I die, I just want to party a little bit more.
You know? It's one of them things you have to give up in quite a big way, as a parent.
I'd love to get back in a club.
Bring some of my dad dancing to the club.
They're not ready.
Strut my stuff.
Just that phrase alone lets you know how long it's been.
But there is a part of me that worries, after ten years of family life, were I to get back in there, hit the dance floor, amongst all those hot young things There's a part of me that worries that I might get a little over-excited.
You know? It'd be like R&B BEA Sexy, sexy.
Sexy, sexy.
Sexy, sexy.
# Ooh, girl # Dance with your back to me # Nice and close # I'm like the guest You're like the host # Oh, wait, nah - this ain't what I asked for # Great, now I got a semi on the dance floor # No, no, don't turn around # Now I'm busy trying to pack this down # Argh! # It's worse than it seems # Ngh! And it kind of hurts in these jeans # What? Oh, you want a drink at the bar? # Argh, don't think I can limp that far # Tonight every slick intention I ever meant # Has now been undermined # By this little denim tent # But she's quite pissed # I think I might just get away with it # Pulling my shirt down like this # Ah! See, I'm one of the smart dudes # Incorporate it into my dance moves # Oh, this ain't what I asked for # Uh-oh, I got a semi on the dance floor # No, no, this ain't what I asked for # Uh-oh, I got a semi on the dance floor # What's happening in my pants? # Baby let's get this straight # It's kind of like a compliment to you # I can't articulate # I just hope that she ain't worked out # Why I'm bopping round like a clown with my shirt down # Well, bide my time # Get horny thoughts outside my mind # Like picture my grandma naked on shopping spree # Or maybe European economic policy # But that sexy look It's not helping # I'm trying to focus on the politics of Belgium # Yeah, thinking out loud like it's sensible # She turns round # I'm talking down to my genitals # I'm lecturing to them # On the cultural divide with the Flemish and the French # You can see the tension in my face muscles # Telling my erection how much the Dutch hate Brussels # She stares at me # And when she speaks the words hurt, man # "You're a pervert" # Damn # Oh, no, this ain't what I asked for # Uh-oh, I got a semi on the dance floor # No, no, this ain't what I asked for # Uh-oh, I got a semi on the dance floor # What's happening in my pants? # Baby let's get this straight # It's kind of like a compliment to you I can't articulate.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, Doc Brown! Doc Brown! Are you ready for your next act? AUDIENCE: Yes! We are so lucky to have here an international cabaret sensation.
A beautiful, unique singing voice.
It's a real, real treat for me to bring on to the stage none other than Meow Meow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE AUDIENCE CHEERS I know, I know! How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY What's happened? Am I all right? No, listen - sorry about this.
We'll get this sorted, OK? I Listen, we might have to start again.
Please just Can we try and sort this out? Can somebody from production sort out what's going on here? We need to fix Listen, we'll get you down, and then we'll try and fix it, OK? Yes, I'm actually quite scared of heights.
All right, listen, I'll give you a hand, OK? Yeah, I'm sort of strapped in, so Can I? Yes, you may enter the sacred space, yes.
Erm No, there's a buckle under there.
It's lovely to meet you, by the way.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
I can't get the buckle Ah, I've got the buckle.
Does everything look all right? It's, eryeah, lovely.
No, it's worth checking.
Fine, yeah.
OK.
No, we'll be fine.
We're going to have to sort all this out.
There's just a slight issue.
Sorry.
No, because with the BBC funding cuts, they've only bought half a dress, so, er No, no, it will be fine.
Yeah.
Are you OK? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
APPLAUSE Please don't look at my bottom.
Um No, it will be fine.
I'm a professional, that's fine.
We'll just have to do a different number.
Are you OK? You can take this, cos this is completely wrong for I'm going to do something classy.
Don't look, don't look.
Sorry about that.
We'll do the French song.
Can you just get something to cover me up, John? It's just in my dressing room.
OK, er Yes, um Something gorgeous and, actually, something where I usually have dancing boys.
I don't know Are you busy? Would you mind, to help me? What about you? You're looking lovely and scared.
Come on.
Make an effort.
SCHNELL! What's your name? Bit slow, never mind.
Just get down on your knees, if you wouldn't mind.
And one more, maybe, just one more.
Just there.
If you don't mind.
I'm not picky.
Just get here quickly.
Quickly! We'll be fine.
Have we got the frock? I feel a bit naked.
No, sweetheart, just on this side.
And down here - yeah.
Quickly, thanks.
Just down on your knees.
Thanks so much.
Great.
OK, can you get that? Come in close.
Close.
If you could just stroke me from the knee down, it'll make this a lot more It's just a lot more pleasurable for me.
Don't stop.
Make an effort! Do it! No, no, no.
I'm not a television, I'm real.
Yes! OK, sweetheart, you come in.
How are you? Sweetheart, you can love and hug just that hip.
You just keep on stroking me from the knee down, sweetheart.
From the knee down.
Here we go.
Sweetheart, come here.
Don't be frightened.
There we are - I can see there's a lot of technical rubbish tonight, so if you can just be my follow spot - there we go, lovely.
Yes, but you're blocking a bit, you're blocking.
No, closer.
Yeah.
And then just to the side a bit.
And around.
And from above, it's more flattering.
Yeah, lovely.
No, we'll be fine, we'll be fine.
I can do this.
We'll be fine.
APPLAUSE No I know! Sweetheart, let me have this hand.
There we go.
No, it's nice to have a little bit of support.
# Ne me quitte pas # Il faut oublier # Tout peut s'oublier Qui s'enfuit deja You're not stroking.
No, sweetheart, stroke.
Oublier le temps Des malentendus I'm not a horse, sweetheart.
Just gently stroke me.
# Et le temps perdu # Oublier ces heures # Qui tuaient parfois # A coups de pourquoi # Le coeur du bonheur # Ne me quitte pas # Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas.
If you stroke him, he'll get the idea.
You stroke him as well.
You can stroke him.
It's lovely.
It's the joy of live theatre, isn't it? # If you go away on this summer day # Then you might as well take the sun away # All the birds that flew in the summer sky # When our love was new and our hearts were high # When the days were long and the nights were young And the moon stood still for the night bird's song Um, actually, we're going to go to the really dramatic finish.
Sweetheart, can you just get behind? Just go to the dramatic finish, boys.
Sweetheart, I know you love it down there, but get up.
Just down there.
Down, down.
DOWN! There we go.
And if you just light me, I think it'll be more beautiful.
Hang on to me, boys.
Ne me quitte pas Hang on to me, hang on to me! # Je ne vais plus pleurer Je ne vais plus parler APPLAUSE # A te regarder # Danser et sourire # Et a t'ecouter # Chanter et puis rire # Laisse-moi devenir # L'ombre de ton ombre # L'ombre de ta main # L'ombre de ton chien # Ne me quitte pas # Ne me quitte pas # Ne me quitte pas # Ah! # Ah-ah-ah-ah! Ne me quitte pas! APPLAUSE Black out.
Thank you - weren't they marvellous? Michael on piano.
Bravo! Let us go back to where I was.
Will I? Shall I just go back? Ladies and gentlemen! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The unique Meow Meow! The next person I'm going to bring on the stage is a local lad, and backstage he was telling me that as a kid he used to come here with his dad and watch shows.
And he said to his dad, "One day, I'd like to be on that stage.
" Tonight's the night that he walks on to this stage for the first ever time.
Please welcome the brilliantly funny Jamali Maddix! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right! Shit's about to get real, son.
How's everyone doing? CHEERING All right.
Happy to be here! This is nice.
This is like a nice venue, cos you understand, right, I'm used to playing in some horrific venues.
Like, I was doing this gig in Nottingham the other day.
I'm outside the gig and I'm eating a croissant, right, because I've upgraded my bread, bloody deal with it, right? That's The kind of guy I am now.
I eat croissants.
Right, so I was eating this croissant, right, and this guy comes up to me and he starts calling me Bin Laden, right? Yeah, I know - I think it's because I wear glasses, I think that's why.
I've clocked on.
He's called me Bin Laden, but it's not the fact that he's called me Bin Laden that upset me, it's the fact that he just said it so casually.
He just went like this, "Bin Laden!" LAUGHTER Like he knew him, and that.
I said, "What?" He went He said it with so much confidence, he made me question my own identity, I can't lie to you.
"Am I Bin Laden now?" Like the US soldiers dumped his body in the water, d'you know what I mean, he swam to Nottingham Know what I'm saying? He ate a croissant, "What the hell is going on?" For goodness' sake.
I'm not Bin Laden, I'm sorry.
Erm It would have been a nice way to end the joke, maybe.
You could have gone home and told your friends, "I saw Bin Laden doing stand-up" and that "How was he?" "Nah, he was all right, you know what I mean? "He masterminded 9/11, but stand-up? "Not his forte, I've got to be honest with you.
"You need to go back to terror, Bin Laden.
" But it is nice to be here, because I've been travelling recently.
I went to Scotland and I love Scotland, right, but is it me, right, or do Scotland have some of the most angriest .
.
white people .
.
that you have ever met in your life? And it's weird, because they're so angry and it's like But you're white! Know what I mean? Life's OK.
Know what I'm saying? Do you just wake up in the morning and go, "Ah, crap! "I've got opportunity.
" Do you know what I'm saying? It's a weird thing to be mad at.
And they're so angry, it's like they're wasting their whiteness.
LAUGHTER Yeah, I said it, goddammit.
Like I was saying, I was in Scotland, right, and I'm doing a comedy festival, a friend comes up to me and goes, "Hey, Jamali - would you like to go to a strip club?" I said, "Bro, I don't go no goddamn strip clubs".
He goes, "It's ã5 a lap dance".
"Oh, my God.
"That's disgusting.
"Let's go.
" What you going to do? So we mosey on down to the strip club and I know what you're thinking, sir - you're thinking, "Wow, for five pounds, "that must be some high-quality strippers, innit?" Yeah.
Guess what? You're wrong.
You get to the strip club and there's women dancing in horrendous conditions.
They should start a union, right? There's all these women dancing and one of the women wasn't even wearing stripper shoes.
She was wearing Crocs, I swear to God.
LAUGHTER I was like, "What?! "How DARE you?!" I was like, "how long have you been stripping that comfort has become your main issue? That's what I need to know.
" And she was, like, 35 And that's not old, but to be stripping, you should be the manager or something, right? So I got a lap dance off her because she seems experienced.
As I'm getting a lap dance off her, she had like, put her bum hole on my eyeball, right? And listen, normally I will close my eye in that situation But when you pay ã5, you're like, "Screw it, let's see what's going on".
I had to go to hospital because my eye swelled up.
What you going to do? My eye got inflamed.
The doctor was like, "What the hell happened to your eye?" I was like, "ã5 stripper, bumhole in the eyeball".
He was like, "You shouldn't go back", I was like, "Listen, "that's my money" and I went back, right and like a guy went to fight me in the strip club because I've got a beard and he thinks I'm a Muslim.
And I say to him, "Bro, I'm in the strip club drinking a beer.
"You see what I'm saying? "I ain't trying to build no mosque tonight, know what I'm saying?" Anyway, my name's been Jamali, you've been great, thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE (Nice one - that was great!) Ladies and gentlemen, Jamali Maddix! I wasn't going to say this before he came on, but now you've seen how good he is, I can tell you - he's only been doing comedy for two years.
How brilliant.
Jamali Maddix.
Are you ready for some more music? Yes! When we were putting the show together, there was one band we put top of the list and I'm so pleased we've managed to get them to the show because I love them as I'm sure many of you do.
They're here, singing a classic track - Black Eyed Boy, from their album Texas 25 - please welcome Texas.
# No, I don't lack ambition # Can't you see what I hate? # That it's you who is sinking # Locked behind iron gates # Yeah, you should know # You're falling into fiction # I can tell # You're on some foolish mission # Your black-eyed soul # You should know # That there's nowhere else to go # My black-eyed boy # You will find # Your own space and time # Hey-hey-hey # You call me superstitious # Tie me up with your deceit # I could never be malicious # Though I seem so bittersweet # Yeah, you should know # You're falling into fiction # I can tell # You're on some foolish mission # Your black-eyed soul # You should know # That there's nowhere else to go # My black-eyed boy # You will find # Your own space and time # Black-eyed soul # You should know # That there's nowhere else to go # My black-eyed boy # You will find # Your own space and # Time # Hey! # Yeah, you should know # You're falling into fiction # I can tell # You're on some foolish mission # Your black-eyed soul # You should know # That there's nowhere else to go # My black-eyed boy # You will find # Your own space and time # Black-eyed soul # You don't know what you'll find # There's nowhere else to go # You don't know # You don't know what you'll find # Oh # Your own space and time # Yeah APPLAUSE AND CHEERING # You don't know # What you will Find.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Texas! Brilliant! Have you had a good night? CHEERS Thank you for coming, thank you for watching at home - please put your hands together for all of my guests tonight.
Thank you, good night and God bless!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Sylvia from Cirque Bijou.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.
I loved that.
I loved that.
I love that idea as well of multiple people.
I wouldn't want it myself, because, obviously, it's my show.
I like things to be HE CLEARS THROA What are you doing here? This is my show.
There's only There's only one of me.
Not three.
Listen, I've got my own super powers, you.
Yes, and you, hiding at the back.
Get off.
You, get off.
Go on.
Thank you.
OK.
Hey, I've got one more super power left, you.
The ultimate dad one.
Get out! APPLAUSE Let's be honest - that's never not funny, is it? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to my show.
It's brilliant to be here in the famous Hackney Empire.
It is beginning to feel like home now.
It really is.
I'm spending that much time in London, I've actually now got a flat in London.
CHEERING It wasn't my idea.
It was my wife's idea.
She said, "You're up and down to hotels.
Why don't you get a flat? "Somewhere you can stay.
" I thought, "Isn't that nice?" I said to one of my mates, "Isn't that nice and considerate?" And my mate said, "What she's done, she's just got a really cheap divorce.
" "She's made you piss off without any solicitors.
" And I have.
I've ended up with this flat and it is my flat and everyone said to me, "What'll happen is, you'll end up being like a student and the standards'll start slipping.
" I went, "No, they won't.
" They said, "They will.
"You'll end up not flushing when you go for a wee.
" And I thought that wouldn't happen and then when I stood there in the sink the other day LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Don't clap, cos not all of these are jokes! But because I've got this flat, I've ended up having to do things like buy new sets of clothes, because when you stay in a hotel, you take the clothes that you need in a bag for the night but when you stay in a flat, you assume you've got stuff there, so I've had to go shopping, which is brilliant and as I say, going shopping around London's been a hell of experience.
It shows what a melting pot London is.
I went into a shop last week You probably won't believe this, but I went into a shop last week in Oxford Street and the lad who was serving me was from England, and I said, "No!" I said, "I'm from England too.
" So he said, "No, I can't believe.
"You're from England, I'm from England!" APPLAUSE But I have.
I've ended up having to go shopping for stuff because I keep on leaving stuff at home and it's weird shopping for your own clothes, like at my age.
I haven't shopped for my own clothes on my own for at least 20 years.
It's like coming out of prison.
I don't know half the things to do cos it's a confusing thing for men now.
When we were kids, it was straightforward.
When we were kids, you would go to Burton's or you'd go to Topman or, you know, if you were into Duran Duran, you'd go to Miss Selfridge.
Now, at our age, you've got to start going into shops that you don't belong and it's wrong.
It's just wrong.
They should have signs outside saying, "This shop isn't for you.
" You know where you have washing instructions on labels - they should have age instructions, as well, to show you how age-appropriate it is.
I've worked out a little system now that if you're in a shop and the two assistants are trying to help you, if their combined age is less than yours, you're in the wrong shop.
Now it's just a confusing thing and there's a whole raft of new shops out there that shouldn't exist.
I went into a shop the other week.
I had to use the torch on my phone to find my way out of the shop.
That's not right, is it? APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? AUDIENCE: Yes! The comedian that I'm going to bring onto the stage, I actually first shared the bill with at a comedy festival in Ireland and he was so funny and you could see, he's got the charisma and the style to make him an absolute star.
His television career goes from strength to strength.
We are lucky to have him here tonight.
Please welcome the very funny Seann Walsh.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
Yes.
Hello.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hello.
It's nice to be Hello! Are you going to go individually, "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hi.
"What's up, bruv? What's happening?" Hello.
Hi.
It's nice to be here.
I live with my girlfriend.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Do you? Thank you, yeah.
You learn who someone really is when you live with them.
You do.
I've learnt that my girlfriend is an early riser.
You know these people? Up.
Straightaway.
"Come on, darling, otherwise you'll miss the day.
" I am TRYING to miss the day! I hate the day.
The day's the bit where you have to do all the stuff you don't want to do.
Isn't it? Work, see people, put lids back on things.
All that crap.
She wakes me up by any means necessary.
She's got a noise gun.
A noise gun.
Do you have a noise gun? A noise gun.
You must do.
A noise gun.
It's got that other function where you dry your hair.
That piece of shit! Oh, God! Bvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv! Every morning, I think I'm waking up in Gatwick.
The other day, she woke me up.
She woke me up And this doesn't even anger me.
Just baffles me.
I'm there, sleeping - my favourite thing to do.
There's nothing better than sleeping.
You can't top it.
I'm there and then suddenly, "Darling?" Hrumph, hrumph! I've got earwax coming out of my eyes.
Hrumph, hrumph! "Is everything all right?" "I made you a cup of tea.
" "Thanks very much ".
.
for that cup of tea I didn't ask for.
" What did I do? Ask for it in my sleep? "Quickly! Get me a cup of tea, please! Quickly! "Please, one sugar, a bit of milk, quickly.
There's a dragon coming.
Please!" I got her back at four in the morning.
"Darling, darling! "I've made you chicken madras.
Darling! Chicken madras.
"Chicken madras.
Poppadoms, garlic naan.
Come on! Wake up.
"I thought you'd like it!" I have changed since I've been with my girlfriend.
I can't believe the person I've turned into.
So boring.
I realised recently, instead of saying to friends, "We should meet for a drink," I've been saying, "We should meet for a coffee.
" Coffee! Who's ever had a story after coffee?! "I was I was yesterday afternoon at the cafe.
Ho-ho-ho! "Well, we went for ONE.
"We ended up having two! Ho-ho-ho! "Then Terry got on the espressos! Ho-ho-ho-ho! "About five o'clock in the afternoon, we all felt a bit weird.
"Show the video.
Go on, show the video.
It's mental.
Look.
Look.
"It's Gary, by the croissants.
" HE LAUGHS Pathetic.
I've got this trendy cafe around the corner that I go to.
I shouldn't go to it, cos they wind me up.
Stop serving my food on a chopping board.
Where are the plates? How has this started? Is there a student in the kitchen, can't be arsed to do the washing up? "Er, just tell them it's trendy.
Ha-ha!" All people do in these trendy cafes is apologise.
That's all they do.
If you're in one, just watch.
Someone will walk in.
"Sorry, sorry, after you.
Sorry.
So sorry.
Thank you.
"Sorry, is someone sitting there? Sorry.
Is it all right to get through? "I'm so sorry.
Can I just squeeze through? Sorry.
Cheers.
Thank you.
"Sorry.
Is that your bag? I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
"I'll just squeeze through.
Cheers.
Thank you so much.
Cheers.
"Just get my coat off.
Going to go and order.
"Is it OK to squeeze through again? I'm so sorry.
"Mind your bag.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you, cheers.
Thank you.
Sorry.
"Sorry, is this the queue? Sorry, it is.
Sorry.
Cheers.
Thanks.
So sorry.
"Thank you.
Cheers.
"Is it me? Is it you? Is it me? It's me! I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
"I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
Can I get a skinny cappuccino, please? Yeah.
"I think Can I get almond milk? Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
"I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Thank you so much.
Cheers.
"Is it all right to pay by card? Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Cheers.
"I'm sorry.
Thank you very much, cheers.
"Is that mine? Is that yours? Is that mine? It's mine? Sorry! So sorry.
"Sorry.
Cheers, thank you.
Sorry, excuse me.
After you.
"Sorry, I do apologise.
Sorry.
Sorry, it's me again.
Sorry.
"Is it all right to squeeze through? I'm so sorry.
"Cheers.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
Watch I didn't spill any.
"Sorry, have I just spilled? Sorry, I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
So sorry.
"Cheers, thank you.
Thank you.
" Oh APPLAUSE It just makes you want to have a drink, doesn't it? I'm going to have a drink.
See you later - take care, bye! Thank you, see ya.
Well done, mate.
Ladies and gentlemen, Seann Walsh! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for some music? AUDIENCE: Yes! I was introduced to this next performer by my oldest son Joe, who's downloaded some of his tunes on MY iTune account by nicking the password.
I would've got angry if the music wasn't brilliant.
Here, performing his single Written In Scars, from the album of the same name, please welcome Jack Savoretti! APPLAUSE # There's a rising on the street tonight # Every woman, man, and child # Through the struggle we will all unite # Watch the cities running wild # We've been lied to by the liars # We've been sold what we can't buy # In our hearts there's a fire # You can see it in our eyes # We are the revolution # We want it all tonight # We want to take back what's rightfully ours # We are the revolution # We want to stand and fight # Map of our lives # Written in scars # Written in scars # There's a riot on the streets tonight # There's a reason for the cause # It's up to us to remember # All the world for coming forth # But I'll be taken by the taker # A fate that awaits us all # Oh # Till the day we meet our maker # We won't be stopped by anyone # We are the revolution # We want it all tonight # We want to take back what's rightfully ours # We are the revolution # We want to stand and fight # Map of our lives # Written in scars # Written in scars # Whoa! # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # Whoa-oh-oh-oh # Yeah # We are the revolution # We want it all tonight # We want to take back what's rightfully ours # We are the revolution # We want to stand and fight # Map of our lives # Written in scars # Written in scars We are the revolution.
APPLAUSE Thank you, Jack Savoretti! He really is going to be absolutely massive.
Love it.
I was talking before about shopping in London.
Now, I've got to tell you this story, cos I'd come into Oxford Circus, cos I'd had one of those moments where I'd been back to the flat, realised I didn't have enough clean underpants.
So, as a man, you make a choice, don't you? You look at it and think "Another couple of weeks.
" Or do I buy something? I had to go for a meeting in town, I thought, "There'll be a shop.
I'll buy some.
" I was on Oxford Street.
It started to rain.
There's a shop - and if you're from London, you'll know it.
You don't get this anywhere else in the world - there's a shop at the end, just sells umbrellas.
I walked into this umbrella shop.
As I walked in, the guy said to me, "Do you need an umbrella?" I said, "Well, you can have a guess, but, yes.
" He said, "We have umbrellas for gentlemen.
"Proper umbrellas, made out of a single piece of wood "that has been framed in our workshop downstairs "that has been going since Victorian times, "and it's made specifically to your height.
"We will cut it so that when you stand there as an English gentleman, "it's to your perfect height.
" I said, "Great.
"I'll have one of them.
" He took this umbrella, he cut it, he came back, he said, "That's your umbrella.
" I said, "Fantastic.
" He said, "ã165.
" I've walked outside the shop - what pissed me off most, it stopped raining! So, I've got this umbrella.
Now, I had to go for this TV meeting.
It was in Soho, so I'm rushing.
I get to Soho, I've had this meeting, I come out the meeting, and I'm rushing past this shop, and I suddenly glanced in, and I could see rows of underpants.
And I thought, "Oh, great.
" Stepped into the shop - I was four steps into the shop when I realised I was in a gay sex shop.
It didn't take long - when you look around and there's a lot of big, buff men with manicured beards looking at you.
And I'm there, stood there, with me umbrella, in this gay sex shop, and I thought, "I can't walk out.
"Cos it'll look like I'm homophobic.
"And I can't just buy the underpants "I'll just I'll just browse "for a while.
" So, I'm browsing in this gay sex shop - I don't know if any straight men in here have ever browsed in a gay sex shop, but there's There's things in there I'd never even thought of, I've got to be honest with you.
I eventually make me way to the underpants, pick up a couple of pair of underpants, go to the cashier, pay for the underpants, and then leave.
I get back to the flat, and I've suddenly realised I've left me umbrella.
The world's most expensive umbrella has been left in a gay sex shop, and I had that moral dilemma "Do I leave it? "No, it's 165 quid, I'm not leaving that!" I looked in the bag, I had the receipt.
The shop - this sums the shop up.
I didn't even notice the name of the shop until I got the receipt out.
The shop's called Prowler.
It couldn't have been more explicit, apart from saying, "Are you gagging for a shag?" The shop's called Prowler - I get it out and I phoned up, and I said, "Hello?" He said, "Hello.
" I said, "Er, hiya, mate, has anyone left an umbrella there?" He said, "Yeah, John Bishop did, earlier.
" Are you ready for some more comedy? AUDIENCE: Yes! I'm bringing to you a local London boy.
He's brilliant, he's funny, he's clever, he's here tonight.
We are blessed to have him.
Please welcome to the stage the very funny, very brilliant Doc Brown.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi! Thank you.
Hey, listen, I just want to take a moment to show some love for John Bishop.
CROWD CHEERS Yeah.
APPLAUSE Principally for his equal opportunity employment policy.
It's appreciated.
It's hard out here.
I've got kids to feed.
I'm a parent.
Anybody else suffer from this affliction? Parents know that good parenting - that is a 24 hours a day, seven days a week, proper job.
Relentless.
CHEERS FROM AUDIENCE OK? Relentless.
Hard graft.
And you know when that job ends? You know when the job ends? When you die.
You know.
That's when it ends.
And I've had some tough jobs in my time.
I used to be a rapper - if you can believe that.
Yeah.
That's where the name Doc Brown comes from.
That's not my real name.
My mum wasn't an idiot.
My name is Ben.
You know, but that was never That wasn't really strong enough for the hip-hop arena.
You know? I don't really rap much any more.
I have nine and six-year-old daughters.
I hang out in ballet schools.
OK? But, you know, I can rap when I want to.
I can still rap.
It's justthe content's changed, you know? It's just different.
Right? Like, now, if you asked me what's my life like, "You know it's cool, bruv.
"I'm up at seven, bitch.
"I'm on the school run.
"I might buy some milk.
"A newspaper too.
"It's hard just keeping up with me, I'm such a crazy dude.
" HE RAPS: "Don't know how I'll make it through another drama day.
"Tea and toast and a little bit of marmalade.
"Spread the butter and the jam with the same knife.
"That's right, baby, I'm a maverick, I ain't lying.
" APPLAUSE "Want to roll with me, guarantee you'll be needing more than luck.
"When I stroll through the park I'll be feeding all the ducks.
"And if you can keep up with the dangerous intents, "might exchange pleasantries with a stranger on a bench.
Yeah! "Every night it gets real at my crib, yeah! "With the special comb, getting nits out my kids' hair.
" APPLAUSE "Two girls with afros.
You don't know my struggle.
"I once spent five hours on a Tinker Bell puzzle.
"But we couldn't find the last piece.
Yeah.
"I feel trapped, man, I can't breathe.
" So, the rap career stalled somewhat.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Before I die, before I die, I just want to party a little bit more.
You know? It's one of them things you have to give up in quite a big way, as a parent.
I'd love to get back in a club.
Bring some of my dad dancing to the club.
They're not ready.
Strut my stuff.
Just that phrase alone lets you know how long it's been.
But there is a part of me that worries, after ten years of family life, were I to get back in there, hit the dance floor, amongst all those hot young things There's a part of me that worries that I might get a little over-excited.
You know? It'd be like R&B BEA Sexy, sexy.
Sexy, sexy.
Sexy, sexy.
# Ooh, girl # Dance with your back to me # Nice and close # I'm like the guest You're like the host # Oh, wait, nah - this ain't what I asked for # Great, now I got a semi on the dance floor # No, no, don't turn around # Now I'm busy trying to pack this down # Argh! # It's worse than it seems # Ngh! And it kind of hurts in these jeans # What? Oh, you want a drink at the bar? # Argh, don't think I can limp that far # Tonight every slick intention I ever meant # Has now been undermined # By this little denim tent # But she's quite pissed # I think I might just get away with it # Pulling my shirt down like this # Ah! See, I'm one of the smart dudes # Incorporate it into my dance moves # Oh, this ain't what I asked for # Uh-oh, I got a semi on the dance floor # No, no, this ain't what I asked for # Uh-oh, I got a semi on the dance floor # What's happening in my pants? # Baby let's get this straight # It's kind of like a compliment to you # I can't articulate # I just hope that she ain't worked out # Why I'm bopping round like a clown with my shirt down # Well, bide my time # Get horny thoughts outside my mind # Like picture my grandma naked on shopping spree # Or maybe European economic policy # But that sexy look It's not helping # I'm trying to focus on the politics of Belgium # Yeah, thinking out loud like it's sensible # She turns round # I'm talking down to my genitals # I'm lecturing to them # On the cultural divide with the Flemish and the French # You can see the tension in my face muscles # Telling my erection how much the Dutch hate Brussels # She stares at me # And when she speaks the words hurt, man # "You're a pervert" # Damn # Oh, no, this ain't what I asked for # Uh-oh, I got a semi on the dance floor # No, no, this ain't what I asked for # Uh-oh, I got a semi on the dance floor # What's happening in my pants? # Baby let's get this straight # It's kind of like a compliment to you I can't articulate.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, Doc Brown! Doc Brown! Are you ready for your next act? AUDIENCE: Yes! We are so lucky to have here an international cabaret sensation.
A beautiful, unique singing voice.
It's a real, real treat for me to bring on to the stage none other than Meow Meow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE AUDIENCE CHEERS I know, I know! How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY What's happened? Am I all right? No, listen - sorry about this.
We'll get this sorted, OK? I Listen, we might have to start again.
Please just Can we try and sort this out? Can somebody from production sort out what's going on here? We need to fix Listen, we'll get you down, and then we'll try and fix it, OK? Yes, I'm actually quite scared of heights.
All right, listen, I'll give you a hand, OK? Yeah, I'm sort of strapped in, so Can I? Yes, you may enter the sacred space, yes.
Erm No, there's a buckle under there.
It's lovely to meet you, by the way.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
I can't get the buckle Ah, I've got the buckle.
Does everything look all right? It's, eryeah, lovely.
No, it's worth checking.
Fine, yeah.
OK.
No, we'll be fine.
We're going to have to sort all this out.
There's just a slight issue.
Sorry.
No, because with the BBC funding cuts, they've only bought half a dress, so, er No, no, it will be fine.
Yeah.
Are you OK? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
APPLAUSE Please don't look at my bottom.
Um No, it will be fine.
I'm a professional, that's fine.
We'll just have to do a different number.
Are you OK? You can take this, cos this is completely wrong for I'm going to do something classy.
Don't look, don't look.
Sorry about that.
We'll do the French song.
Can you just get something to cover me up, John? It's just in my dressing room.
OK, er Yes, um Something gorgeous and, actually, something where I usually have dancing boys.
I don't know Are you busy? Would you mind, to help me? What about you? You're looking lovely and scared.
Come on.
Make an effort.
SCHNELL! What's your name? Bit slow, never mind.
Just get down on your knees, if you wouldn't mind.
And one more, maybe, just one more.
Just there.
If you don't mind.
I'm not picky.
Just get here quickly.
Quickly! We'll be fine.
Have we got the frock? I feel a bit naked.
No, sweetheart, just on this side.
And down here - yeah.
Quickly, thanks.
Just down on your knees.
Thanks so much.
Great.
OK, can you get that? Come in close.
Close.
If you could just stroke me from the knee down, it'll make this a lot more It's just a lot more pleasurable for me.
Don't stop.
Make an effort! Do it! No, no, no.
I'm not a television, I'm real.
Yes! OK, sweetheart, you come in.
How are you? Sweetheart, you can love and hug just that hip.
You just keep on stroking me from the knee down, sweetheart.
From the knee down.
Here we go.
Sweetheart, come here.
Don't be frightened.
There we are - I can see there's a lot of technical rubbish tonight, so if you can just be my follow spot - there we go, lovely.
Yes, but you're blocking a bit, you're blocking.
No, closer.
Yeah.
And then just to the side a bit.
And around.
And from above, it's more flattering.
Yeah, lovely.
No, we'll be fine, we'll be fine.
I can do this.
We'll be fine.
APPLAUSE No I know! Sweetheart, let me have this hand.
There we go.
No, it's nice to have a little bit of support.
# Ne me quitte pas # Il faut oublier # Tout peut s'oublier Qui s'enfuit deja You're not stroking.
No, sweetheart, stroke.
Oublier le temps Des malentendus I'm not a horse, sweetheart.
Just gently stroke me.
# Et le temps perdu # Oublier ces heures # Qui tuaient parfois # A coups de pourquoi # Le coeur du bonheur # Ne me quitte pas # Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas.
If you stroke him, he'll get the idea.
You stroke him as well.
You can stroke him.
It's lovely.
It's the joy of live theatre, isn't it? # If you go away on this summer day # Then you might as well take the sun away # All the birds that flew in the summer sky # When our love was new and our hearts were high # When the days were long and the nights were young And the moon stood still for the night bird's song Um, actually, we're going to go to the really dramatic finish.
Sweetheart, can you just get behind? Just go to the dramatic finish, boys.
Sweetheart, I know you love it down there, but get up.
Just down there.
Down, down.
DOWN! There we go.
And if you just light me, I think it'll be more beautiful.
Hang on to me, boys.
Ne me quitte pas Hang on to me, hang on to me! # Je ne vais plus pleurer Je ne vais plus parler APPLAUSE # A te regarder # Danser et sourire # Et a t'ecouter # Chanter et puis rire # Laisse-moi devenir # L'ombre de ton ombre # L'ombre de ta main # L'ombre de ton chien # Ne me quitte pas # Ne me quitte pas # Ne me quitte pas # Ah! # Ah-ah-ah-ah! Ne me quitte pas! APPLAUSE Black out.
Thank you - weren't they marvellous? Michael on piano.
Bravo! Let us go back to where I was.
Will I? Shall I just go back? Ladies and gentlemen! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The unique Meow Meow! The next person I'm going to bring on the stage is a local lad, and backstage he was telling me that as a kid he used to come here with his dad and watch shows.
And he said to his dad, "One day, I'd like to be on that stage.
" Tonight's the night that he walks on to this stage for the first ever time.
Please welcome the brilliantly funny Jamali Maddix! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right! Shit's about to get real, son.
How's everyone doing? CHEERING All right.
Happy to be here! This is nice.
This is like a nice venue, cos you understand, right, I'm used to playing in some horrific venues.
Like, I was doing this gig in Nottingham the other day.
I'm outside the gig and I'm eating a croissant, right, because I've upgraded my bread, bloody deal with it, right? That's The kind of guy I am now.
I eat croissants.
Right, so I was eating this croissant, right, and this guy comes up to me and he starts calling me Bin Laden, right? Yeah, I know - I think it's because I wear glasses, I think that's why.
I've clocked on.
He's called me Bin Laden, but it's not the fact that he's called me Bin Laden that upset me, it's the fact that he just said it so casually.
He just went like this, "Bin Laden!" LAUGHTER Like he knew him, and that.
I said, "What?" He went He said it with so much confidence, he made me question my own identity, I can't lie to you.
"Am I Bin Laden now?" Like the US soldiers dumped his body in the water, d'you know what I mean, he swam to Nottingham Know what I'm saying? He ate a croissant, "What the hell is going on?" For goodness' sake.
I'm not Bin Laden, I'm sorry.
Erm It would have been a nice way to end the joke, maybe.
You could have gone home and told your friends, "I saw Bin Laden doing stand-up" and that "How was he?" "Nah, he was all right, you know what I mean? "He masterminded 9/11, but stand-up? "Not his forte, I've got to be honest with you.
"You need to go back to terror, Bin Laden.
" But it is nice to be here, because I've been travelling recently.
I went to Scotland and I love Scotland, right, but is it me, right, or do Scotland have some of the most angriest .
.
white people .
.
that you have ever met in your life? And it's weird, because they're so angry and it's like But you're white! Know what I mean? Life's OK.
Know what I'm saying? Do you just wake up in the morning and go, "Ah, crap! "I've got opportunity.
" Do you know what I'm saying? It's a weird thing to be mad at.
And they're so angry, it's like they're wasting their whiteness.
LAUGHTER Yeah, I said it, goddammit.
Like I was saying, I was in Scotland, right, and I'm doing a comedy festival, a friend comes up to me and goes, "Hey, Jamali - would you like to go to a strip club?" I said, "Bro, I don't go no goddamn strip clubs".
He goes, "It's ã5 a lap dance".
"Oh, my God.
"That's disgusting.
"Let's go.
" What you going to do? So we mosey on down to the strip club and I know what you're thinking, sir - you're thinking, "Wow, for five pounds, "that must be some high-quality strippers, innit?" Yeah.
Guess what? You're wrong.
You get to the strip club and there's women dancing in horrendous conditions.
They should start a union, right? There's all these women dancing and one of the women wasn't even wearing stripper shoes.
She was wearing Crocs, I swear to God.
LAUGHTER I was like, "What?! "How DARE you?!" I was like, "how long have you been stripping that comfort has become your main issue? That's what I need to know.
" And she was, like, 35 And that's not old, but to be stripping, you should be the manager or something, right? So I got a lap dance off her because she seems experienced.
As I'm getting a lap dance off her, she had like, put her bum hole on my eyeball, right? And listen, normally I will close my eye in that situation But when you pay ã5, you're like, "Screw it, let's see what's going on".
I had to go to hospital because my eye swelled up.
What you going to do? My eye got inflamed.
The doctor was like, "What the hell happened to your eye?" I was like, "ã5 stripper, bumhole in the eyeball".
He was like, "You shouldn't go back", I was like, "Listen, "that's my money" and I went back, right and like a guy went to fight me in the strip club because I've got a beard and he thinks I'm a Muslim.
And I say to him, "Bro, I'm in the strip club drinking a beer.
"You see what I'm saying? "I ain't trying to build no mosque tonight, know what I'm saying?" Anyway, my name's been Jamali, you've been great, thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE (Nice one - that was great!) Ladies and gentlemen, Jamali Maddix! I wasn't going to say this before he came on, but now you've seen how good he is, I can tell you - he's only been doing comedy for two years.
How brilliant.
Jamali Maddix.
Are you ready for some more music? Yes! When we were putting the show together, there was one band we put top of the list and I'm so pleased we've managed to get them to the show because I love them as I'm sure many of you do.
They're here, singing a classic track - Black Eyed Boy, from their album Texas 25 - please welcome Texas.
# No, I don't lack ambition # Can't you see what I hate? # That it's you who is sinking # Locked behind iron gates # Yeah, you should know # You're falling into fiction # I can tell # You're on some foolish mission # Your black-eyed soul # You should know # That there's nowhere else to go # My black-eyed boy # You will find # Your own space and time # Hey-hey-hey # You call me superstitious # Tie me up with your deceit # I could never be malicious # Though I seem so bittersweet # Yeah, you should know # You're falling into fiction # I can tell # You're on some foolish mission # Your black-eyed soul # You should know # That there's nowhere else to go # My black-eyed boy # You will find # Your own space and time # Black-eyed soul # You should know # That there's nowhere else to go # My black-eyed boy # You will find # Your own space and # Time # Hey! # Yeah, you should know # You're falling into fiction # I can tell # You're on some foolish mission # Your black-eyed soul # You should know # That there's nowhere else to go # My black-eyed boy # You will find # Your own space and time # Black-eyed soul # You don't know what you'll find # There's nowhere else to go # You don't know # You don't know what you'll find # Oh # Your own space and time # Yeah APPLAUSE AND CHEERING # You don't know # What you will Find.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Texas! Brilliant! Have you had a good night? CHEERS Thank you for coming, thank you for watching at home - please put your hands together for all of my guests tonight.
Thank you, good night and God bless!