The Kominsky Method (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

1 [TRAFFIC SOUNDS.]
Are you gonna say something? Eventually.
I'm gathering my thoughts.
It's really just a yes or no answer.
Oh, it's much more than that.
Only if you need to make me feel bad.
Sandy, there are certain things we have to do in life that are distasteful but absolutely necessary.
I can think of several.
Can you? And I'm feeling bad.
There's colonoscopies, engagement parties, flossing.
Let's see Being stuck in a car with you.
Taxes, Sandy! Taxes are one of those distasteful things that we must do.
We really had to go through colonoscopies to get here? Did you think the government would just forget about you? It's possible, yes.
Hollywood has.
That's amusing.
It's good you can joke at times like this.
I fucked up, Norman.
What do you want me to say? Are you gonna help me or not? $300,000! Thereabouts.
"Thereabouts.
" A little tip.
When begging, it's good to have an exact number.
You'll get it all back.
We'll set up a payment plan, say, a thousand dollars a month.
[LAUGHS.]
Math isn't really your strong suit, is it? - Why? - Why? That's 25 years.
You know how old I'll be when you finish paying me off? Dead! Okay.
How about if I push it up to eleven hundred a month? Still dead.
Listen I'm sorry I put you on the spot.
I got myself into this mess.
- I'll get myself out.
- Good.
So, just to be clear, I shouldn't count on you to bail me out? Sandy, my concern is not about the 300 grand.
It's about you and me.
That kind of money can ruin a friendship.
What do you think jail will do to our friendship? Well, it'll be a white-collar jail.
You'll be playing tennis with Bernie Madoff.
I don't play tennis.
You'll learn.
It's fun.
What's goin' on? I'm leaving.
- You're on your own.
- Oh, Min, come on! Mom said not to rely on you.
She said you were a rotten human being, but I didn't believe her.
Look, I may have had my flaws as a husband, but as your father, I've been solid gold.
Yeah, 24 fuckin' carat.
What did you think was gonna happen? Well, it sounds a little silly now, but I was kind of hoping by the time the IRS figured it out, I'd be in a vase on your mantel.
Mantel? You're going under the sink next to the drain cleaner.
Just give me a couple of days.
I've got a plan to get us through this.
Does it involve you robbing a bank? That's plan B.
Hey, I get to be glib.
You don't.
Sorry.
So, what's your plan? Honesty.
I'm gonna go to the IRS and I'm just gonna tell them the truth.
Which is? I haven't figured that out yet.
I disagree.
He's made his bed.
Now he's gotta lie in it.
Please spare me the cliches.
He is your oldest and dearest friend.
Yeah, but that's only because Ed Jacobs died.
Norman, you have the money.
Just give it to him.
Excuse me, but whatever happened to "never a borrower or a lender be"? You wanna take advice from Shakespeare? He also said, "Kill all the lawyers.
" I agree with that, too.
You know the right thing to do.
Just do it.
He'll never pay me back.
It's ridiculous what he's proposing.
Sweetheart, you don't want the money back.
I don't? No! You give it to him as a gift.
No strings.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Sandy's a proud man.
If I don't let him pay me back, he will go nuts.
Well, you just have to reassure him.
No, no, I I want him to go nuts.
That'll be the fun part.
[SCOFFS.]
Why can't it just be a noble gesture? That's in there, too.
It's genius, really.
No strings is the biggest string of all.
I think maybe you're losing the spirit of this.
I still want it structured as a loan, otherwise he'd pay taxes on the money.
Or doesn't pay taxes on the money, and we're right back where we started.
I'm gonna leave it to you to figure out the details.
Yeah.
Definitely a loan.
But I don't want him to pay me back, no matter how much he cries about it.
[LAUGHING.]
This is gonna kill him! [LAUGHS.]
No strings.
I'm sorry to make a scene, but this is really hard for me.
[SIGHS.]
When Mickey died Mickey was my accountant for over 30 years, and when he died I just lost it.
You've got to understand He was so much more than an accountant to me.
He was my friend.
He was my mentor.
Oh, hell, I'm just gonna say it.
He was like a surrogate father.
So when he died I kinda like lost my mind, you know? I let all the paperwork slide.
And then when I realized that April 15th had come and gone and I hadn't filed my taxes, I didn't know what to do! Without the Mickster, I was just lost! [SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
But why didn't you get a new accountant? Because, uh Because getting a new accountant would be acknowledging that Mickey was dead, and I still can't do that! Thank you.
[MAN SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, Mr.
Kominsky, how do you propose we resolve this? Honestly, I think I should pay you back.
I should pay you back a hundred cents on the dollar.
Plus interest and penalties.
Yeah, sure, of course.
It goes without saying.
So [EXHALES.]
What do you think about a thousand dollars a month till we're square? That would take quite some time.
Twenty-five years.
I don't think that's gonna fly with my boss.
Do you own the building that you teach from? Yeah.
Why? If we seize the asset, sell it, we get our money, and everybody's happy.
I'm not happy! Well, one way or another, this gets resolved in 48 hours.
Or? We're the IRS.
Use your imagination.
[PHONE VIBRATING.]
Gee, I gotta tell you, I liked the thousand dollars a month better.
Excuse me.
Hey, Norman, what's up? Yeah, no, I I can meet you, yeah.
That's great.
No, I'm on my way.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fuck you very much.
I'll be back with the money.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey.
I took the liberty of ordering your Jack Daniel's and Dr Pepper.
Thank you.
I hope you don't mind.
I was curious, so I took a sip.
And? - I spit it into here.
- [LAUGHS.]
Charming.
So what's up? After giving it much thought, I've decided to give you the money.
Oh, Norman, Norman, thank you.
Thank you.
I am beyond grateful.
Thank you.
And like I said, I promise you, I'll pay you back every penny.
No, no, no.
That's the one thing that won't happen.
I'm giving it to you as a gift.
No, no, no, no.
I gotta pay you back.
Why? Because you have your pride? Yes, yes, because I have my pride.
That's not my problem.
I'm giving you the money, free and clear.
No strings.
So you write me a check for 300 grand, and I'm supposed to carry on like nothing happened? No, I'll write the IRS a check.
I don't trust you with the money.
Wow.
Why don't you just cut off my balls? Why don't you just take my money and be grateful? I can't.
Giving me the money with no strings is like the biggest string of all.
Well, that's a very cynical attitude.
Norman, I have to pay you back.
I have to make the effort.
No.
See, what's gonna happen is you'll start out all gung-ho with a lot of enthusiasm, and then, before you know it, you'll be late on a couple of payments, and I'll have to ask you, "Where's the money?" And you'll get snippy with me, and just like that, our friendship will be over.
I'll get snippy with you? Look at that.
You're already snippy.
So you're assuming that I not only won't pay you back, I'm incapable of paying you back? Correct.
Okay.
All right.
Well, thank you for your offer.
Here's my counteroffer.
I'd like you to take that $300,000, tie it up with that string that you claim is not a string, and shove it up your ass.
Not as much fun as I thought it would be.
Hi, this is Lisa.
- Please leave a message.
- [BEEPS.]
[SIGHS.]
I know you're not really thrilled with me, uh, right now but compared to everybody else in my life, "not thrilled" makes you president of the Sandy Kominsky fan club.
[SIGHS.]
Anyway, uh, I'd appreciate if you called me back, and soon, because I may not have a phone much longer.
Bet you get a lot of vomit in these Uber cars.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I'm not a puker.
The only way booze is jettisoned from my body is through my winky.
You're a good listener.
Important skill as you move through life.
Thank you.
Five stars.
Fuck it, six stars! Eh [SIGHS.]
Okay.
All right.
Oh, let's let's just see here.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Jambox is in pairing mode.
Ah.
There we go.
Hang on here.
Hang on.
Bluetooth is connecting.
- [CHIMES.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, baby! Oh.
Music.
Peter Frampton.
Peter, Paul and Mary.
Peter Gabriel, there you are.
[BEEPS.]
Michael, row the boat ashore Hallelujah Damn it.
That's the wrong Peter.
Lisa? I'm sorry! Hey, it's Mr.
Pissboy.
Where's your mother? Prick.
She's not home.
Oh, shit.
Well well when is she coming home? I I can't hear you.
Come closer.
Wh when is is she coming back? A little closer.
Are you are you deaf? Perfect.
- Whoo! - Hey, hey, hey, hey! - What the fuck? - [LAUGHS.]
- [EXPLOSIONS.]
- Whoa! You little dick! - Fuck you, man! - Whoo! God damn you! No, no, no, no, no! Ah! Dance, Pissboy! [EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE.]
What the hell is going on? I want you to give me another chance! [YELLS.]
Mathew, stop! - [CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
Wha What are you doing here? I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for taking you for granted.
You're the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time, and I hope you come visit me in jail.
[SIGHS.]
Why are you going to jail? [SOBBING.]
My accountant died.
[SIGHS.]
All right Look Co Come Come inside.
Come on.
Come with me.
- His name was Mickey.
- Okay.
He was a great guy.
Look, come on.
Here.
Step, step.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[DOOR OPENING.]
- [LISA.]
Hey.
- [MINDY.]
Hi.
- [LISA.]
You got here fast.
- [MINDY.]
Yeah.
- Thanks for coming.
- Well, sure.
- I'm sorry to have to call you like this.
- Oh - [LISA.]
It's just - [MINDY.]
No, no.
Well, he's he's an unusual man, your father.
Yeah.
He's an idiot.
- [GROANING.]
- Come on, Dad.
Why do I smell like gunpowder? Come on.
Let's get you home.
[GROANS.]
I'm a little foggy.
Um Did I win you back? - No.
- Okay.
I'm gonna keep trying.
Let me know when it stops being cute and turns into stalking.
- Will do.
- Come on, Dad.
Yep.
Keep going.
- [FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING.]
- [SANDY.]
Ah! - Mathew! - [MATHEW LAUGHS.]
So are you ready to take some advice, or do you still think you have all the answers? I don't have any answers.
What do you got? [SIGHS.]
I may have misspoke.
Really? How so? You made a very generous offer, and I was, uh, less than gracious.
Less than gracious? You told me to shove it up my ass.
Like I said, I misspoke.
What my father is trying to say is that he's very grateful for your help and deeply appreciates your friendship.
Thank you, but I'd like to hear him say it.
You really want to rub my nose in it, don't you? You're right.
I'm being petty.
Well, you are.
So say it.
Dad.
I am really thankful for your help.
You are a good friend.
All right.
Here's the final number with interest and penalties.
Wow.
I think I'd like to rub some more.
- Just write the check.
- Sh.
All right.
Let me just jot down in the memo "no strings.
" Okay.
Who's less than gracious now? Suck it up.
Thank you.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
You should get down on your knees and thank God for a daughter like that, because you did nothing to deserve her.
Oh, you wanna talk about the daughters we deserve? Because I think you win that argument.
[NORMAN.]
How dare you! Phoebe's problems are not my fault.
So you're gonna put it on your dear, departed wife? Oh, that's very classy.
Eileen and I went to Al-Anon.
They cleared us of all responsibility.
Whatever you need to believe, buddy.
- [HONKING.]
- Come on! What I believe is that you're an ungrateful little man whose bitterness about his failed acting career poisons his entire outlook on life.
[SANDY.]
The only reason my acting career stalled is I was stupidly loyal to an agent who couldn't find his asshole with a flashlight and a rake! Oh, really? Shall I list the many successful actors I've represented, some of whom have named their children after me? Bullshit! Nobody names their child Norman.
Ask Suzanne Somers what she named her Cockapoo.
- That's not a child! - Oh, yeah? You should see how she treats that dog! [SANDY.]
If you wanna talk about successful, I had a Tony Award when I signed with you.
I was hot! Yeah, you were hot, and then you came to Hollywood and you pissed off every Jew that counted.
You burned bridges.
You burned roads.
You burned tunnels.
If there was a path to success, you set it on fire.
Well, forgive me for having standards, for having integrity.
Standards and integrity are for Oscar winners.
Everybody else has gotta bend over.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Jesus! Excuse me.
Hold it! Hold it! [SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry.
I'm not usually this person.
You know what? I don't need this shit.
I've got a class to teach.
Oh, sure, the Kominsky method.
A how-to from a never-was.
Hey, I may not have had the career I wanted, but at least when I look in the mirror, I don't see an agent.
No, you see an old man desperately trying to look young by not shaving.
I had this look long before it was trendy.
Sandy Kominsky.
Paid in full, bitch! [PANTING.]
And I have no car.
[SIGHS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Okay, we've got time for one more.
Anybody feeling lucky? I'd like to go.
Margaret.
Wonderful.
What do you got for us? I've been working on a monologue from Albee's Virginia Woolf.
Really? That's kind of a tall order.
I know.
But I think I'm ready to try it.
Okay.
Go with God.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
George who is out there somewhere in the dark.
George, who is good to me and whom I revile.
Who understands me and whom I push off.
Who can make me laugh and I choke it back in my throat.
Who can hold me at night so that it's warm, and whom I will bite so there is blood.
Who keeps learning the games we play as quickly as I can change the rules.
Who can make me happy, and I do not wish to be happy, and yes, I do wish to be happy.
George and Martha for whom I will not forgive for having come to rest.
For having seen me and having said, "Yes, this will do.
" Having made the hideous, the hurtful, the insulting mistake of loving me and must be punished for it.
George and Martha.
Sad, sad, sad.
[APPLAUSE.]
[SIGHS.]
Margaret, I've been doing this for a long time, and that's one of the finest pieces of acting that I have ever seen.
[SOBS.]
Thank you for being my teacher.
Good job.
Mindy, it has come to my attention that I may have - a bit of a character defect.
- A bit? - Let me finish.
- Because a bit is just a little You gotta let me talk, Min.
The defect of which I speak is that I take people for granted especially those that give a damn about me.
I know I've let you down, and I wanna do something concrete, you know, to make up for it.
You wanna take me for ice cream, Dad? Oh, Jesus.
Would you please, Min? Uh Apparently, I'm only good for one thing in life.
That's teaching.
I seem to fuck up pretty much everything else that I do.
Not everything.
- Most everything.
- [SNORTS.]
This place wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.
This is where you belong.
So, from now on, I work for you.
What are you talking about? Now that the studio is in the clear, I'm gonna put it in your name.
Dad, I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
To me, at least.
You can tell your mom to go fuck herself.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello.
- Hey.
- What brings you here? I'm not happy with the way that we left things.
Really? Really.
Well, to be completely truthful, I'm not too pleased with it, either.
Okay.
Well, let me start by saying I'm sorry for some of the things that I said to you.
Just some of them? Now you go.
I'm sorry, as well.
Okay, then.
Well One last thing to do.
This is the first of 300 payments of a thousand dollars each, paid monthly, rain or shine.
Alive or dead? Sure.
I now understand how important this is to you.
Thank you.
Hang on one moment.
What are you doing? Just a second.
Alex! I want to thank you for your excellent service.
Thank you.
You rat fuck bastard.
What? You don't like Alex? He's a lovely man.
Would you like to order your stupid drink? Well, I sure as hell can't hang out with you sober.