The L Word s01e07 Episode Script
L'ennui
Hey! Roxanne! You got time to lean, you got time to clean, allright? Let's go.
That's more like it.
What a tool.
Losing It Oh, good, he brought him.
Oh, divine, no? Ah, ah, ah! No, no, no, no! Who raised you, wolves? We make with some introductions before we reach for the drugs.
That's right.
What the fuck! Harry, Shane.
Shane, Harry.
You are delicious.
Why didn't you tell him? I didn't have a chance.
I was going to but Ooh! Tell me! Tell me what? Well, Harry, Shane's a Shane's a what? Shane is an ex-con, a murderer, perhaps! Oh, god, please tell me you're not heterosexual! I'm a girl.
Female.
Harry! My, my, my! Androgyny confounds, doesn't it? Well, I suppose it's revolutionary but I must admit I am disappointed because it's always the skinny boys that have oooh, the biggest cocks! You're a real fucking charmer, you know that? Just gorgeous! Shane Oooh! Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all? You don't feel sick do you? Just awake.
That feels good, though.
You know, you can sleep on the whole plane ride You'll have a couple hours at the hotel, too, just before the opening.
If you could have anything right now, what would it be? Uh, something cold.
Like sorbet? Only sweeter Like those, uh, rocket popsicle things.
A Slurpee.
'K.
A Slurp-ee.
You know, Shane and I turned tricks in Santa Monica for six months.
Really? What did, uh, what did our friend do? She only gave hand jobs No, no matter how much they offered her.
She could've made a lot of money.
Well, that is called integrity.
Unfortunately, it's not something that that you can buy or steal in this town.
No, yeah.
You think, um, I don't know, you think she would? Shane? Oh, no, no She's through with that No.
She's a hairstylist now.
Well - sort of a junior assistant shampoo girl, aspiring So are you good at it? Am I good at what? Because I am going to send you Cherie Jaffe She's my business partner's wife, and if there's a corporation of Hollywood wives Cherie Jaffe is the CEO.
So what? So, if she likes what you do to her, you'll be the hottest hairdresser that Hollywood has ever seen before you even know what hit you.
Have a bump, Clive.
Thank you.
Oh, my god.
Is this not the coolest looking bullet you've ever seen? Oh, I thought that was gonna be blow! What is that? Everyone's doing Oxy these days.
Hey.
Harry loves you.
You're gonna be huge.
Thank you.
Nice work.
Sorry.
Was I making too much noise? No.
No, I just Tina had a late-night craving.
Do - do you want to talk about it? I'm a fucking idiot.
No you're not I mean, it was a total shocker I never would have figured Jenny would ever be unfaithful to you I married her, Bette.
Eight hours after I walked in on her with Marina's head between her legs, we're saying: "I do" in some white trash chapel in Tahoe.
Oh.
Yeah.
See what I mean? Well, you know, I mean, we do we do crazy things sometimes when we think we're gonna lose someone I completely understand why you did it.
I just woke up in the middle of the night in that hotel room I'd never felt so empty, so just so full of nothing.
I I left her there I just walked out on her.
But now I have no idea where she is.
Listen, I know I know it must really hurt, but Jenny is a writer, you know? I mean, writers crave experience I mean, what if that's all it was with Marina? What, craving experience? You think so? I think it was you fucking dykes, that's what Hey, don't curse us all, allright! That's why Tina and I left your dinner party because we didn't wanna be any part of it.
Oh, my um you didn't know it was already going on then? Uh, Tim, I didn't I'm so sorry.
I I didn't say anything I didn't know what to do.
I mean, you're my friend, and sometimes people kill the messenger.
How long was it going on? You know, I think you should ask Jenny that question Why won't anyone tell me the truth, Bette?! No more than a month, okay? How many times?! Tim, I have no way of knowing that.
What, 10? 100? I mean, c'mon, Bette, I thought we were friends, right? I am your friend! I just - I don't know! I'm sorry.
Tim.
For you, my heart.
Ripped from my chest.
Eviscerated, I am.
Hello?No.
I don't want to fucking switch long distance companies! Okay,we're staying at the Soho Grand - and the Museum of New Art is Midtown so that means the car has to be there by 6:30 so we have plenty of time to sit in traffic.
Okay? Allright.
Merci.
Thanks, James.
Bye! Do you feel really awful? Well, you can sleep in the whole plane ride And we're in first class how amazing is that? Yah, I know! The Peabody Foundation actually included my name on the invitation For the first time, we're not "Bette Porter and Guest"! I am gonna pamper you You won't have to do a thing I can practically carry you there.
You're really not up to this, are you? No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm gonna I'm gonna pull it together I am Ohh okay.
I'm just going to sit down.
I just need to breathe.
Babe, your health is by far the most important thing in our lives right now Allright? And if you need to stay home, I will be okay.
Are you sure? I mean, this is so important for you I really wanna be there.
I would rather you came.
But you know what? want you to do what your body is telling you to do.
I'm sorry, I wish I felt better.
Gurudev recommended a Chinese herbalist who has a cure for morning sickness I'm gonna call and make an appointment.
Oh, that's good.
I mean, if Gurudev said Allright.
I'm - I'm really worried about leaving you here by yourself.
No, I'm gonna be fine.
I just can't believe I'm not going to New York with you.
You know what? I want you to call me anytime, for any reason.
You will, right? I love you.
Love you.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Oh, god And we can have Go-Go dancers Hot, sexy, girly-girls! No, no.
What we need is super butch girls that don't take off their clothes.
Unless they want to! Uh, okay.
Uh, what are we gonna call it? What about "Fuckwad"? Boring.
"Labia" Labia's too clinical Yeah, too 70s how about "Twat" ? Ooh! Twat is great! - I love "Twat"! - Me too.
Done.
"Twat: The Night" ! Do you think people will get angry? Fuck 'em! They'll just have to deal with it! It's not like we don't have penises in our faces every day of the week! Exactly.
"Twat: The Night" Deal With It! Uh-huh.
Go "Twat"! Shane! Where are you? It's really, really lonely here at The Planet And your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome.
Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we fucked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe It was gross.
Anyway, I wish you'd come be surly and cynical with me.
Bye.
Mind if I join you? Hi! No! I mean, yeah! So, how are things with your mom? Did she get the part in that movie? Wow.
I can't believe you, uh, you remembered that! Well, I was worried about you You seemed pretty stressed when she phoned Yeah.
Well, it got a lot worse But, you don't want - that's boring, you don't wanna hear about it.
Talk to me.
Okay.
Um, allright, well, uh, my mother spent all her money There was never any part in any movie Um, let's see She's in debt up the wazoo,so now her Palms Springs condo is being foreclosed on.
And now, my brother and sister both think that I should let her live with me, because, you know, they're married, they have children,y'd know The whole deal.
They think you're inherently less-than They treat you like a serf and order you around because you haven't embraced their conventional values They think just because they have traditional families and cleave to the ruling class model that you should be compelled to give up your chosen freedom and autonomy.
I mean, just because we haven't followed down their strict, limiting bullshit path to legitimize ourselves in their eyes! Yeah that's exactly what I was trying to say.
Shane! Shane! Wha You get your ass out of there, get inside, and get cleaned up Ah, fuck before one of the clients sees you! Hey, John.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't you: "Hey, John" me You are a frightening mess in front of my shop! Oh, shit.
You know what? I do not care what skanky things you did to which skanky people to get into this state! But I will not tolerate you bringing that skank into my shop! Do you understand me?! Yeah, yeah.
I hear - I hear - I hear ya Get out.
Get out! Ugh Okay.
Hey! I was just gonna call you.
I swear.
Bette told me to let you sleep 'til 10:30.
She called you? Yeah.
On the way to the airport at, like So how you feelin'? Well, I'm fine now that I've puked up most of my internal organs Doctor Wilson thinks that I should go on these progesterone suppositories, but I'm gonna go to this Chinese herbalist this afternoon.
Can I get you some tea? Something bland to nibble on? Oh thanks I can I can get it myself.
No, no.
It's my pleasure.
This is such a beautiful and crazy time in a woman's body I'm jealous my body will never experience what you're experiencing right now.
Hello? Hi, I'm looking for a guest, Jenny Schecter.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The room's under Tim Haspel H.
A.
S.
Psorry.
what time did she check out? Fuck, Jenny! In addition to my heart, there are some small organs I want to give you: glands, sweetbreads, variety meats we're not gonna be able to file this until your wife has been gone at least 48 hours.
Allright, look Can't I just give you a description, that way if she's still not back you already have the information, and we won't Afraid you'll have to come back for that.
But that doesn't make any sense.
Allright?! I - I need to just tell you what's going on here, that way you can decide what the smart Excuse me.
We're just here to renew our parking passes Will you hang on? I'm talking.
Okay? Allright.
I'm sorry.
Let me try this again, okay? My girlfr - I mean, my wife - is, uh is upset right now.
Okay, she's not thinking clearly.
Thing is, she was cheating on me With a woman.
Uh, and then we got married.
Oh my god.
Quelle horreur.
I'm fucking serious! Shut up! God, if you find her? You better not return her to him! As I said, Mr.
Haspel There's nothing the police can do about this matter at this time.
What if it was my boyfriend, huh? Would you help me then? Probably.
That's enough.
Uh, can you hold on for just a sec? Hi, can I help you? Holding.
Miss Zimmer.
Well.
Welcome to "Lather" and you're such a long way away from your studio! I came directly from lunch, and I'm here to see Shane.
Shane.
Shane.
Great.
Um.
Well.
I'll go and get her Why don't you just wait here for a second? And I'll see if she's ready and, uh, just, um, have a seat.
Shane.
Shane! What? For god's sakes! Ellie Zimmer is at the front desk! Who the fuck is Ellie Zimmer? Zimmer, Zimmer Ellie Zimmer! Ellie Zimmer! Studio chiefess, trend priestess friend of Madonna and J.
Lo both at the same time! Oh, yeah I know her, Harry sent her.
Oh, my god.
Do you have any idea how huge this is? Ellie Zimmer at "Lather", and in your hands lord help us, for god's sakes Stand up, clean up, c'mon! Miss Zimmer.
Ellie.
Um, Shane will be right with you and in the meantime, why don't I offer you a chai tea, a latte, my new screenplay? Is that Shane? Yeah, in, uh, all of her glory.
I love Harry! Hi.
You want one? Fuck.
Please? Pretty-pretty please? C'mon, Jenny, just - just have a shroom.
This guy is the best After my car accident, he fixed me up good as new Now, I brought my boyfriend here for his chronic back problems What are you here for? Is that an inappropriate question? I guess it is.
Morning sickness.
I'm really hoping that it's gonna work.
He is a miracle worker.
I told What did he say, Marcus? Marcus! Oh, my god.
Bette and I, we were gonna call you! Don't tell me.
We are! We're pregnant! Congratulations! That's awesome! Isn't it great? For you, my heart.
Why are you here? Um.
'Cause you gave me a ride.
No.
I mean, why are you here? Like, why were you hitchhiking? What's up? Are you running away from something? No, I'm not running away from something.
Did you commit a crime? No, I didn't commit a crime.
Well, what was it, then? You did something bad? It's just that I, uh, had this boyfr this, uh, husbandnamed Tim.
And I love him very much And then, I, uh, I fell just like And then, I met this woman named Marina.
And I had this affair.
And then Tim found out.
So, you're, like, a lesbian? I don't know.
Dude, you should be really careful about that.
Yeah, my friends Roxanne and Katie, they got totally busted being lesbos in the restaurant where they worked they were, like, going down on each other or something and the manager saw, and totally - he ratted them out to their parents.
And they got sent away to boarding school, and one of them killed herself.
That's really horrible.
So, be careful.
Those weren't her friends It was an "Afterschool Special"! Whatever.
She - she totally died.
Sperm donor.
You never told me you were a sperm donor.
Babe, it's not a big deal.
Not a big deal? Listen! The lifecycle of a sperm cell is 72 hours! Those are not your sperm to give! I'm sorry, I think that you, um I'm sorry, what's your name again? Well, what's your fucking name? What if we decide to have a baby? That will be a half-brother or sister! So, were you thinking we'll all get together for Christmas? Birthdays? Or were you planning to never even tell me?! Excuse me.
Lei Ling, you're way ahead of yourself.
Way ahead of myself?! You are planting your seed all over creation and I'm ahead of myself? You're an asshole! And that means you're behind yourself! I'm going to have to tell you to take this outside! Take yourself outside! Bye, Marcus You! Outside! What? Yes, you! Outside! What are you writing? A letter to Tim.
Will you read it to me? Mm-mm.
Please? Jesus Christ, would you please read to him? Okay.
"Tim.
For you, my heart "Ripped from my chest.
Eviscerated, I am "And if I could, I would plunge my fingers "through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you.
A pulpy mass of morbid diathesis.
" What's diathesis? Um it's like a susceptibility to disease.
It's like all those parts of me that are susceptible to invasion.
Wow.
Morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, mor but that would mean it would be putrid.
What good would it do to offer Tim a pile of sick meat? Please read some more.
"In addition to my heart, there are some small organs that want to give you: glands sweetbreads variety meats.
" It's not fair to me! How could you do this? What kind of woman wants the child of a man she barely knows? You have not heard the end of this, lady I know my way around the legal system And I can tell you Marcus and I have rights over this child! Oh, baby?! God, I'm really flipping out right now Something horrible just happened.
I just I really need to talk to you.
Where are you? Okay, you're probably on your way to M.
O.
N.
A.
Um, don't worry I'm gonna be okay.
Just call me when you get this.
Okay, bye.
Fuck! Harry was right you are a hair genius, Shane No one else is gonna touch me! Thank you.
Yeah.
It looks great, really fantastic.
Nice work, Shane.
You know, I might have done something just a little different may I touch you? Right here.
Oh, now that's perfect.
Hm-mm.
What are you doing tomorrow night? Do you want to come to a screening of the new Steven Soderbergh film? Harry'll be there.
Yeah, I'm free.
Shane ? Yeah, um sounds kind of beast, uh but thank you.
Call me.
Okay.
Don't you just llllllove her? She's the best.
Fantastic! Anytime.
Thank you.
Sure.
Bye Hey, it's Al.
Um, Dana and Snookums said they were bringing you chow, so I'm gonna come over a little later, after my situation.
That's what I like to call dinner when I have no idea whether it's a date or not! Allright, see ya.
Hi, it's me, Dana Uh, Lara and I will be over at 7 and we'll get some takeout from that Thai place you love, okay? Bye.
Hey, T.
, it's Shane Hey, T.
, it's Shane.
Look, Bette called and said we should still do poker even though she's outta town.
You can't walk away from me like that It's easy for me to find out where you live! I want you to know that! That is not your baby! Baby? I'm sorry to bother you, but, I'm just really desperate.
Something terrible's happening and I Allright, so call me back.
Please? I mean, honestly I would've left, too, man! I mean, I probably wouldn't have gone up there in the first place but what I'm saying is, you did the right thing.
I mean, you had to get out of there Clear your head.
I'm worried There are a lot of sickos out there Serial killers Well, she left the motel when? Day before yesterday? And nobody's heard from her? Not - she hasn't checked in with anybody? Fuck Has anybody called her mother? Somebody should check with her mother.
Sandy.
Shit, I should've called Sandy.
Marcus is my boyfriend! And I am not Oh, god! Thank god you're here! She just called again This woman is totally crazy.
Who is she? Do you really think she's gonna come over here? I don't know if she's even capable of anything.
Allright Let's go around the house make sure all the doors and windows are locked.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
You're so smart No.
You're the smart one.
! No, only in cooking.
No, and photography.
But you have mind and body intelligence.
No, you do! No, you do! Shut up.
I said it first.
I said it second.
Sorry.
Hi.
It's Tim.
Yeah, Yeah, Timothy.
Good, uh actually, not so good Uh, Sandy, I don't know where Jennifer is.
She's missing.
And I'm kinda worried, to tell you the truth.
Yeah, I just, uh, didn't want to alarm you I just thought you should know and we need to What? When? No.
No.
I don't think she's insane at all No, I think she knows exactly what she's doing, Sandy Yeah.
I'm glad she's allright, too.
I need to go.
Allright? Yeah, thanks.
Dammit! Whoa, calm down.
What happened? She called her mother over an hour ago! She's okay.
That's really good.
Yeah, so where the fuck is she? If I had to guess, I'd say she probably Um, thanks a lot for coming over, you guys, really.
Where you going? I don't know.
I just need to get out of here Hi.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
"Liquor in the front, poker in the rear"! Ugh.
Do you have to make that joke every time we play this game? Yes, I do.
So, what's happening with the psycho lady? Is she still calling or what? We unplugged the phone.
Allright.
Dollar ante.
You in, Leese? Yeah.
One for the lady.
She went right to Peggy? That takes balls! What's her name? Bette Porter.
The director of the "California Arts Center".
I was extremely impressed how you went up in the face of the big boys! I, uh I'm honored to meet you.
Oh.
Thank you.
The sister that snatched the show from under MOCA's nose! Hey, Kit.
"Liquor in the front and poker in the rear", huh? Neither, thanks.
Hey.
Are you okay? Oh.
What is wrong with my baby sister to go off and leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on? Bring her on I wish she would bring her face up in here, that would be the last time! Look at all these women! And dude.
We will kick ass.
Yeah.
Right! Yeah! I mean, what's wrong with her? I'm sure the man has enough sperm for everybody.
Yeah! Jenny.
Jenny! Where is she? Why don't you come in? Where is she? She's not here.
You need to calm down.
Don't fucking tell me to calm down, you vulture, where is she?! Last time I saw Jenny, she told me she never wanted to see me again, remember? You have no conscience, do you? You don't even feel bad.
Tell me something when you were sitting at my house eating dinner did you think for a second that maybe your actions weren't altogether look at me! That it might not be altogether honorable? Honorable? Yeah, what, you don't know what that means? Or is it just not important to you? See, right there that fucking kills me! You just standing there saying nothing! You lied to me! You got my girlfriend to lie to me, too and you have nothing to say for yourself?! Jenny's responsible for her own actions.
As we all are! I don't think it's me you're angry with.
Don't tell me how I feel! Do not! You preyed on her Pretended to be her friend! Playing your phony intellectual games just to get into her pants! You know what? You are fucking pathetic, Marina.
Do you hear me? That's funny? You find that fucking funny? Look at me.
Yeah.
What is it you do? You girls? Should I even care? Huh? Does it even count? Well, you were there.
You saw how much it counts.
You need to leave, now.
Don't fucking touch me! Jenny's not here.
Now, get out of here.
What are you trying to prove? What do you think? I don't know, Tim.
You tell me.
Look at me.
Do you think I'm fucking joking? No.
That's it.
Really? Okay, so, what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual? I am a bisexual.
Okay, I'm confused.
Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian-identified male.
So what is that, is that like a transsexual? No.
I wonder how he pees Sitting down? I don't know.
You think, Shane? I never peed with him.
I don't know.
I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or a man? Maybe you should call yourself a trisexual? Damn, what is it with you people and your need to take apart everything and process each little detail? If the dude wanna give up his white man rights to be a second-class citizen then hey, welcome to our world! Okay, she's got a point.
Cheers.
Welcome to the fold! Welcome.
Welcome to the heavenly gates.
Hi, it's Bette and Tina's Leave a message after the beep.
The mailbox you are trying to access is full.
Please try again later.
Yeah, hi, Roger, it's me, Bette Did Kit say what the emergency was? How long ago did Tina call? Okay, allright, thanks.
I need to go to the "Soho Grand".
I can't sleep.
Me neither.
Everyone else can.
What are you doing? No, don't, stop, we can't, we can't, we can't Who says? I'm finding this sexy.
What about you? We have to be really quiet.
Shit, shit! God, it's not funny.
You missed your last turn.
Make a U-turn at the light.
Don't listen to that bitch Just go straight.
Are you sure? How are you feeling, Malcolm? Hm.
I wish I was Tim He's such a lucky guy Getting all those gifts from you.
If only you knew, Malcolm Hello this is Bette Porter oh, Peggy.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean I didn't mean to wake you.
Well, something has come up and and I'm not gonna be able to make it to your dinner tonight.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm on I'm on my way to Los Angeles right now.
I know you did I'm really, I'm very, very sorry.
My - my, uh, partner and I are - are having a baby, and she's 11 weeks pregnant and I'm just worried that something might have happened to her.
Thank you Thank you, I really appreciate that.
Hi, it's Bette and Tina's.
Leave a message after the beep.
The mailbox you are trying to access is full.
Please try again later.
It could be her! Tina, Marcus.
Tina, I'm so sorry I had no idea Lei Ling was gonna be so upset.
Y'know, I should've just waited and called you Well, she's calmed down now, but I told her not to phone you again.
Promise.
And I tried to call you, but your voice mailbox is full.
Oh, shit yeah.
Okay.
Good to see you.
Take care.
Buh-bye.
I'm so glad you dropped by.
Thanks.
Oh, god Oh, shit! Phone's still unplugged.
.
This is Lei Ling! Listen, lady! If you think This is Lei Ling! I won't be ignored! Miss Psycho.
End of messages.
Bette didn't call.
Hi, this is Bette, you can leave a message for me here or you can try me at the "C.
A.
C.
" Her cell phone's not answering.
Call her hotel! Oh.
Bette Porter please.
What? Are you sure? Um okay.
She checked out What that's so weird.
Where - where's she gonna go? She had to sleep somewhere.
No, no, no.
I'm sure it's fine She's got a million things and y'know.
Maybe she didn't like the sheets at the hotel or something Right? Yeah.
That was probably it.
Yeah.
It's nothin'.
Yay, momma's home! Are you okay? Yeah.
Le bébé va bien ? Yeah, the baby's fine.
Everything's fine.
What happened? I was so worried! I mean, you left all these messages and then I couldn't reach you.
So you got on a plane and you flew all the way home? I was worried.
So what happened? There's this crazy woman and Marcus Allenwood's girlfriend.
She was at the Chinese herbalist and she completely freaked out on me And, uh I couldn't handle it.
I left New York I'm sorry.
I - I came home all the way from New York.
I'm so sorry I'm sorry.
Bette - so, how was New York? It was um it was incredible.
I mean, it seemed like all of New York knew the story about how I grabbed "Provocations" out from under MOCA's nose.
I was, like, kind of a star.
Y'know.
Peggy Peabody was throwing a dinner party for me tonight in my honor and I was cultivating this major, major donor that I was hoping to get on my board of directors.
And now you're not gonna be there.
It must be the hormones.
I'm just I'm just relieved everything's okay.
That's all that really matters.
I'm sorry.
I'm offering these gifts.
Rare gifts I know that they don't amount to much in the face of what you've given me.
I've heard these organs can't survive outside the body for more than a few hours But I'll try to get there as soon as I can.
Whatever happens, it will be on me On my heart
That's more like it.
What a tool.
Losing It Oh, good, he brought him.
Oh, divine, no? Ah, ah, ah! No, no, no, no! Who raised you, wolves? We make with some introductions before we reach for the drugs.
That's right.
What the fuck! Harry, Shane.
Shane, Harry.
You are delicious.
Why didn't you tell him? I didn't have a chance.
I was going to but Ooh! Tell me! Tell me what? Well, Harry, Shane's a Shane's a what? Shane is an ex-con, a murderer, perhaps! Oh, god, please tell me you're not heterosexual! I'm a girl.
Female.
Harry! My, my, my! Androgyny confounds, doesn't it? Well, I suppose it's revolutionary but I must admit I am disappointed because it's always the skinny boys that have oooh, the biggest cocks! You're a real fucking charmer, you know that? Just gorgeous! Shane Oooh! Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all? You don't feel sick do you? Just awake.
That feels good, though.
You know, you can sleep on the whole plane ride You'll have a couple hours at the hotel, too, just before the opening.
If you could have anything right now, what would it be? Uh, something cold.
Like sorbet? Only sweeter Like those, uh, rocket popsicle things.
A Slurpee.
'K.
A Slurp-ee.
You know, Shane and I turned tricks in Santa Monica for six months.
Really? What did, uh, what did our friend do? She only gave hand jobs No, no matter how much they offered her.
She could've made a lot of money.
Well, that is called integrity.
Unfortunately, it's not something that that you can buy or steal in this town.
No, yeah.
You think, um, I don't know, you think she would? Shane? Oh, no, no She's through with that No.
She's a hairstylist now.
Well - sort of a junior assistant shampoo girl, aspiring So are you good at it? Am I good at what? Because I am going to send you Cherie Jaffe She's my business partner's wife, and if there's a corporation of Hollywood wives Cherie Jaffe is the CEO.
So what? So, if she likes what you do to her, you'll be the hottest hairdresser that Hollywood has ever seen before you even know what hit you.
Have a bump, Clive.
Thank you.
Oh, my god.
Is this not the coolest looking bullet you've ever seen? Oh, I thought that was gonna be blow! What is that? Everyone's doing Oxy these days.
Hey.
Harry loves you.
You're gonna be huge.
Thank you.
Nice work.
Sorry.
Was I making too much noise? No.
No, I just Tina had a late-night craving.
Do - do you want to talk about it? I'm a fucking idiot.
No you're not I mean, it was a total shocker I never would have figured Jenny would ever be unfaithful to you I married her, Bette.
Eight hours after I walked in on her with Marina's head between her legs, we're saying: "I do" in some white trash chapel in Tahoe.
Oh.
Yeah.
See what I mean? Well, you know, I mean, we do we do crazy things sometimes when we think we're gonna lose someone I completely understand why you did it.
I just woke up in the middle of the night in that hotel room I'd never felt so empty, so just so full of nothing.
I I left her there I just walked out on her.
But now I have no idea where she is.
Listen, I know I know it must really hurt, but Jenny is a writer, you know? I mean, writers crave experience I mean, what if that's all it was with Marina? What, craving experience? You think so? I think it was you fucking dykes, that's what Hey, don't curse us all, allright! That's why Tina and I left your dinner party because we didn't wanna be any part of it.
Oh, my um you didn't know it was already going on then? Uh, Tim, I didn't I'm so sorry.
I I didn't say anything I didn't know what to do.
I mean, you're my friend, and sometimes people kill the messenger.
How long was it going on? You know, I think you should ask Jenny that question Why won't anyone tell me the truth, Bette?! No more than a month, okay? How many times?! Tim, I have no way of knowing that.
What, 10? 100? I mean, c'mon, Bette, I thought we were friends, right? I am your friend! I just - I don't know! I'm sorry.
Tim.
For you, my heart.
Ripped from my chest.
Eviscerated, I am.
Hello?No.
I don't want to fucking switch long distance companies! Okay,we're staying at the Soho Grand - and the Museum of New Art is Midtown so that means the car has to be there by 6:30 so we have plenty of time to sit in traffic.
Okay? Allright.
Merci.
Thanks, James.
Bye! Do you feel really awful? Well, you can sleep in the whole plane ride And we're in first class how amazing is that? Yah, I know! The Peabody Foundation actually included my name on the invitation For the first time, we're not "Bette Porter and Guest"! I am gonna pamper you You won't have to do a thing I can practically carry you there.
You're really not up to this, are you? No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm gonna I'm gonna pull it together I am Ohh okay.
I'm just going to sit down.
I just need to breathe.
Babe, your health is by far the most important thing in our lives right now Allright? And if you need to stay home, I will be okay.
Are you sure? I mean, this is so important for you I really wanna be there.
I would rather you came.
But you know what? want you to do what your body is telling you to do.
I'm sorry, I wish I felt better.
Gurudev recommended a Chinese herbalist who has a cure for morning sickness I'm gonna call and make an appointment.
Oh, that's good.
I mean, if Gurudev said Allright.
I'm - I'm really worried about leaving you here by yourself.
No, I'm gonna be fine.
I just can't believe I'm not going to New York with you.
You know what? I want you to call me anytime, for any reason.
You will, right? I love you.
Love you.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Oh, god And we can have Go-Go dancers Hot, sexy, girly-girls! No, no.
What we need is super butch girls that don't take off their clothes.
Unless they want to! Uh, okay.
Uh, what are we gonna call it? What about "Fuckwad"? Boring.
"Labia" Labia's too clinical Yeah, too 70s how about "Twat" ? Ooh! Twat is great! - I love "Twat"! - Me too.
Done.
"Twat: The Night" ! Do you think people will get angry? Fuck 'em! They'll just have to deal with it! It's not like we don't have penises in our faces every day of the week! Exactly.
"Twat: The Night" Deal With It! Uh-huh.
Go "Twat"! Shane! Where are you? It's really, really lonely here at The Planet And your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome.
Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we fucked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe It was gross.
Anyway, I wish you'd come be surly and cynical with me.
Bye.
Mind if I join you? Hi! No! I mean, yeah! So, how are things with your mom? Did she get the part in that movie? Wow.
I can't believe you, uh, you remembered that! Well, I was worried about you You seemed pretty stressed when she phoned Yeah.
Well, it got a lot worse But, you don't want - that's boring, you don't wanna hear about it.
Talk to me.
Okay.
Um, allright, well, uh, my mother spent all her money There was never any part in any movie Um, let's see She's in debt up the wazoo,so now her Palms Springs condo is being foreclosed on.
And now, my brother and sister both think that I should let her live with me, because, you know, they're married, they have children,y'd know The whole deal.
They think you're inherently less-than They treat you like a serf and order you around because you haven't embraced their conventional values They think just because they have traditional families and cleave to the ruling class model that you should be compelled to give up your chosen freedom and autonomy.
I mean, just because we haven't followed down their strict, limiting bullshit path to legitimize ourselves in their eyes! Yeah that's exactly what I was trying to say.
Shane! Shane! Wha You get your ass out of there, get inside, and get cleaned up Ah, fuck before one of the clients sees you! Hey, John.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't you: "Hey, John" me You are a frightening mess in front of my shop! Oh, shit.
You know what? I do not care what skanky things you did to which skanky people to get into this state! But I will not tolerate you bringing that skank into my shop! Do you understand me?! Yeah, yeah.
I hear - I hear - I hear ya Get out.
Get out! Ugh Okay.
Hey! I was just gonna call you.
I swear.
Bette told me to let you sleep 'til 10:30.
She called you? Yeah.
On the way to the airport at, like So how you feelin'? Well, I'm fine now that I've puked up most of my internal organs Doctor Wilson thinks that I should go on these progesterone suppositories, but I'm gonna go to this Chinese herbalist this afternoon.
Can I get you some tea? Something bland to nibble on? Oh thanks I can I can get it myself.
No, no.
It's my pleasure.
This is such a beautiful and crazy time in a woman's body I'm jealous my body will never experience what you're experiencing right now.
Hello? Hi, I'm looking for a guest, Jenny Schecter.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The room's under Tim Haspel H.
A.
S.
Psorry.
what time did she check out? Fuck, Jenny! In addition to my heart, there are some small organs I want to give you: glands, sweetbreads, variety meats we're not gonna be able to file this until your wife has been gone at least 48 hours.
Allright, look Can't I just give you a description, that way if she's still not back you already have the information, and we won't Afraid you'll have to come back for that.
But that doesn't make any sense.
Allright?! I - I need to just tell you what's going on here, that way you can decide what the smart Excuse me.
We're just here to renew our parking passes Will you hang on? I'm talking.
Okay? Allright.
I'm sorry.
Let me try this again, okay? My girlfr - I mean, my wife - is, uh is upset right now.
Okay, she's not thinking clearly.
Thing is, she was cheating on me With a woman.
Uh, and then we got married.
Oh my god.
Quelle horreur.
I'm fucking serious! Shut up! God, if you find her? You better not return her to him! As I said, Mr.
Haspel There's nothing the police can do about this matter at this time.
What if it was my boyfriend, huh? Would you help me then? Probably.
That's enough.
Uh, can you hold on for just a sec? Hi, can I help you? Holding.
Miss Zimmer.
Well.
Welcome to "Lather" and you're such a long way away from your studio! I came directly from lunch, and I'm here to see Shane.
Shane.
Shane.
Great.
Um.
Well.
I'll go and get her Why don't you just wait here for a second? And I'll see if she's ready and, uh, just, um, have a seat.
Shane.
Shane! What? For god's sakes! Ellie Zimmer is at the front desk! Who the fuck is Ellie Zimmer? Zimmer, Zimmer Ellie Zimmer! Ellie Zimmer! Studio chiefess, trend priestess friend of Madonna and J.
Lo both at the same time! Oh, yeah I know her, Harry sent her.
Oh, my god.
Do you have any idea how huge this is? Ellie Zimmer at "Lather", and in your hands lord help us, for god's sakes Stand up, clean up, c'mon! Miss Zimmer.
Ellie.
Um, Shane will be right with you and in the meantime, why don't I offer you a chai tea, a latte, my new screenplay? Is that Shane? Yeah, in, uh, all of her glory.
I love Harry! Hi.
You want one? Fuck.
Please? Pretty-pretty please? C'mon, Jenny, just - just have a shroom.
This guy is the best After my car accident, he fixed me up good as new Now, I brought my boyfriend here for his chronic back problems What are you here for? Is that an inappropriate question? I guess it is.
Morning sickness.
I'm really hoping that it's gonna work.
He is a miracle worker.
I told What did he say, Marcus? Marcus! Oh, my god.
Bette and I, we were gonna call you! Don't tell me.
We are! We're pregnant! Congratulations! That's awesome! Isn't it great? For you, my heart.
Why are you here? Um.
'Cause you gave me a ride.
No.
I mean, why are you here? Like, why were you hitchhiking? What's up? Are you running away from something? No, I'm not running away from something.
Did you commit a crime? No, I didn't commit a crime.
Well, what was it, then? You did something bad? It's just that I, uh, had this boyfr this, uh, husbandnamed Tim.
And I love him very much And then, I, uh, I fell just like And then, I met this woman named Marina.
And I had this affair.
And then Tim found out.
So, you're, like, a lesbian? I don't know.
Dude, you should be really careful about that.
Yeah, my friends Roxanne and Katie, they got totally busted being lesbos in the restaurant where they worked they were, like, going down on each other or something and the manager saw, and totally - he ratted them out to their parents.
And they got sent away to boarding school, and one of them killed herself.
That's really horrible.
So, be careful.
Those weren't her friends It was an "Afterschool Special"! Whatever.
She - she totally died.
Sperm donor.
You never told me you were a sperm donor.
Babe, it's not a big deal.
Not a big deal? Listen! The lifecycle of a sperm cell is 72 hours! Those are not your sperm to give! I'm sorry, I think that you, um I'm sorry, what's your name again? Well, what's your fucking name? What if we decide to have a baby? That will be a half-brother or sister! So, were you thinking we'll all get together for Christmas? Birthdays? Or were you planning to never even tell me?! Excuse me.
Lei Ling, you're way ahead of yourself.
Way ahead of myself?! You are planting your seed all over creation and I'm ahead of myself? You're an asshole! And that means you're behind yourself! I'm going to have to tell you to take this outside! Take yourself outside! Bye, Marcus You! Outside! What? Yes, you! Outside! What are you writing? A letter to Tim.
Will you read it to me? Mm-mm.
Please? Jesus Christ, would you please read to him? Okay.
"Tim.
For you, my heart "Ripped from my chest.
Eviscerated, I am "And if I could, I would plunge my fingers "through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you.
A pulpy mass of morbid diathesis.
" What's diathesis? Um it's like a susceptibility to disease.
It's like all those parts of me that are susceptible to invasion.
Wow.
Morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, mor but that would mean it would be putrid.
What good would it do to offer Tim a pile of sick meat? Please read some more.
"In addition to my heart, there are some small organs that want to give you: glands sweetbreads variety meats.
" It's not fair to me! How could you do this? What kind of woman wants the child of a man she barely knows? You have not heard the end of this, lady I know my way around the legal system And I can tell you Marcus and I have rights over this child! Oh, baby?! God, I'm really flipping out right now Something horrible just happened.
I just I really need to talk to you.
Where are you? Okay, you're probably on your way to M.
O.
N.
A.
Um, don't worry I'm gonna be okay.
Just call me when you get this.
Okay, bye.
Fuck! Harry was right you are a hair genius, Shane No one else is gonna touch me! Thank you.
Yeah.
It looks great, really fantastic.
Nice work, Shane.
You know, I might have done something just a little different may I touch you? Right here.
Oh, now that's perfect.
Hm-mm.
What are you doing tomorrow night? Do you want to come to a screening of the new Steven Soderbergh film? Harry'll be there.
Yeah, I'm free.
Shane ? Yeah, um sounds kind of beast, uh but thank you.
Call me.
Okay.
Don't you just llllllove her? She's the best.
Fantastic! Anytime.
Thank you.
Sure.
Bye Hey, it's Al.
Um, Dana and Snookums said they were bringing you chow, so I'm gonna come over a little later, after my situation.
That's what I like to call dinner when I have no idea whether it's a date or not! Allright, see ya.
Hi, it's me, Dana Uh, Lara and I will be over at 7 and we'll get some takeout from that Thai place you love, okay? Bye.
Hey, T.
, it's Shane Hey, T.
, it's Shane.
Look, Bette called and said we should still do poker even though she's outta town.
You can't walk away from me like that It's easy for me to find out where you live! I want you to know that! That is not your baby! Baby? I'm sorry to bother you, but, I'm just really desperate.
Something terrible's happening and I Allright, so call me back.
Please? I mean, honestly I would've left, too, man! I mean, I probably wouldn't have gone up there in the first place but what I'm saying is, you did the right thing.
I mean, you had to get out of there Clear your head.
I'm worried There are a lot of sickos out there Serial killers Well, she left the motel when? Day before yesterday? And nobody's heard from her? Not - she hasn't checked in with anybody? Fuck Has anybody called her mother? Somebody should check with her mother.
Sandy.
Shit, I should've called Sandy.
Marcus is my boyfriend! And I am not Oh, god! Thank god you're here! She just called again This woman is totally crazy.
Who is she? Do you really think she's gonna come over here? I don't know if she's even capable of anything.
Allright Let's go around the house make sure all the doors and windows are locked.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
You're so smart No.
You're the smart one.
! No, only in cooking.
No, and photography.
But you have mind and body intelligence.
No, you do! No, you do! Shut up.
I said it first.
I said it second.
Sorry.
Hi.
It's Tim.
Yeah, Yeah, Timothy.
Good, uh actually, not so good Uh, Sandy, I don't know where Jennifer is.
She's missing.
And I'm kinda worried, to tell you the truth.
Yeah, I just, uh, didn't want to alarm you I just thought you should know and we need to What? When? No.
No.
I don't think she's insane at all No, I think she knows exactly what she's doing, Sandy Yeah.
I'm glad she's allright, too.
I need to go.
Allright? Yeah, thanks.
Dammit! Whoa, calm down.
What happened? She called her mother over an hour ago! She's okay.
That's really good.
Yeah, so where the fuck is she? If I had to guess, I'd say she probably Um, thanks a lot for coming over, you guys, really.
Where you going? I don't know.
I just need to get out of here Hi.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
"Liquor in the front, poker in the rear"! Ugh.
Do you have to make that joke every time we play this game? Yes, I do.
So, what's happening with the psycho lady? Is she still calling or what? We unplugged the phone.
Allright.
Dollar ante.
You in, Leese? Yeah.
One for the lady.
She went right to Peggy? That takes balls! What's her name? Bette Porter.
The director of the "California Arts Center".
I was extremely impressed how you went up in the face of the big boys! I, uh I'm honored to meet you.
Oh.
Thank you.
The sister that snatched the show from under MOCA's nose! Hey, Kit.
"Liquor in the front and poker in the rear", huh? Neither, thanks.
Hey.
Are you okay? Oh.
What is wrong with my baby sister to go off and leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on? Bring her on I wish she would bring her face up in here, that would be the last time! Look at all these women! And dude.
We will kick ass.
Yeah.
Right! Yeah! I mean, what's wrong with her? I'm sure the man has enough sperm for everybody.
Yeah! Jenny.
Jenny! Where is she? Why don't you come in? Where is she? She's not here.
You need to calm down.
Don't fucking tell me to calm down, you vulture, where is she?! Last time I saw Jenny, she told me she never wanted to see me again, remember? You have no conscience, do you? You don't even feel bad.
Tell me something when you were sitting at my house eating dinner did you think for a second that maybe your actions weren't altogether look at me! That it might not be altogether honorable? Honorable? Yeah, what, you don't know what that means? Or is it just not important to you? See, right there that fucking kills me! You just standing there saying nothing! You lied to me! You got my girlfriend to lie to me, too and you have nothing to say for yourself?! Jenny's responsible for her own actions.
As we all are! I don't think it's me you're angry with.
Don't tell me how I feel! Do not! You preyed on her Pretended to be her friend! Playing your phony intellectual games just to get into her pants! You know what? You are fucking pathetic, Marina.
Do you hear me? That's funny? You find that fucking funny? Look at me.
Yeah.
What is it you do? You girls? Should I even care? Huh? Does it even count? Well, you were there.
You saw how much it counts.
You need to leave, now.
Don't fucking touch me! Jenny's not here.
Now, get out of here.
What are you trying to prove? What do you think? I don't know, Tim.
You tell me.
Look at me.
Do you think I'm fucking joking? No.
That's it.
Really? Okay, so, what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual? I am a bisexual.
Okay, I'm confused.
Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian-identified male.
So what is that, is that like a transsexual? No.
I wonder how he pees Sitting down? I don't know.
You think, Shane? I never peed with him.
I don't know.
I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or a man? Maybe you should call yourself a trisexual? Damn, what is it with you people and your need to take apart everything and process each little detail? If the dude wanna give up his white man rights to be a second-class citizen then hey, welcome to our world! Okay, she's got a point.
Cheers.
Welcome to the fold! Welcome.
Welcome to the heavenly gates.
Hi, it's Bette and Tina's Leave a message after the beep.
The mailbox you are trying to access is full.
Please try again later.
Yeah, hi, Roger, it's me, Bette Did Kit say what the emergency was? How long ago did Tina call? Okay, allright, thanks.
I need to go to the "Soho Grand".
I can't sleep.
Me neither.
Everyone else can.
What are you doing? No, don't, stop, we can't, we can't, we can't Who says? I'm finding this sexy.
What about you? We have to be really quiet.
Shit, shit! God, it's not funny.
You missed your last turn.
Make a U-turn at the light.
Don't listen to that bitch Just go straight.
Are you sure? How are you feeling, Malcolm? Hm.
I wish I was Tim He's such a lucky guy Getting all those gifts from you.
If only you knew, Malcolm Hello this is Bette Porter oh, Peggy.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean I didn't mean to wake you.
Well, something has come up and and I'm not gonna be able to make it to your dinner tonight.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm on I'm on my way to Los Angeles right now.
I know you did I'm really, I'm very, very sorry.
My - my, uh, partner and I are - are having a baby, and she's 11 weeks pregnant and I'm just worried that something might have happened to her.
Thank you Thank you, I really appreciate that.
Hi, it's Bette and Tina's.
Leave a message after the beep.
The mailbox you are trying to access is full.
Please try again later.
It could be her! Tina, Marcus.
Tina, I'm so sorry I had no idea Lei Ling was gonna be so upset.
Y'know, I should've just waited and called you Well, she's calmed down now, but I told her not to phone you again.
Promise.
And I tried to call you, but your voice mailbox is full.
Oh, shit yeah.
Okay.
Good to see you.
Take care.
Buh-bye.
I'm so glad you dropped by.
Thanks.
Oh, god Oh, shit! Phone's still unplugged.
.
This is Lei Ling! Listen, lady! If you think This is Lei Ling! I won't be ignored! Miss Psycho.
End of messages.
Bette didn't call.
Hi, this is Bette, you can leave a message for me here or you can try me at the "C.
A.
C.
" Her cell phone's not answering.
Call her hotel! Oh.
Bette Porter please.
What? Are you sure? Um okay.
She checked out What that's so weird.
Where - where's she gonna go? She had to sleep somewhere.
No, no, no.
I'm sure it's fine She's got a million things and y'know.
Maybe she didn't like the sheets at the hotel or something Right? Yeah.
That was probably it.
Yeah.
It's nothin'.
Yay, momma's home! Are you okay? Yeah.
Le bébé va bien ? Yeah, the baby's fine.
Everything's fine.
What happened? I was so worried! I mean, you left all these messages and then I couldn't reach you.
So you got on a plane and you flew all the way home? I was worried.
So what happened? There's this crazy woman and Marcus Allenwood's girlfriend.
She was at the Chinese herbalist and she completely freaked out on me And, uh I couldn't handle it.
I left New York I'm sorry.
I - I came home all the way from New York.
I'm so sorry I'm sorry.
Bette - so, how was New York? It was um it was incredible.
I mean, it seemed like all of New York knew the story about how I grabbed "Provocations" out from under MOCA's nose.
I was, like, kind of a star.
Y'know.
Peggy Peabody was throwing a dinner party for me tonight in my honor and I was cultivating this major, major donor that I was hoping to get on my board of directors.
And now you're not gonna be there.
It must be the hormones.
I'm just I'm just relieved everything's okay.
That's all that really matters.
I'm sorry.
I'm offering these gifts.
Rare gifts I know that they don't amount to much in the face of what you've given me.
I've heard these organs can't survive outside the body for more than a few hours But I'll try to get there as soon as I can.
Whatever happens, it will be on me On my heart