The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e07 Episode Script

Good for you, George.
Good for you.
When you wear out your left and your right you can always belly-bump them.
So I'm gonna belly-bump him into the next century.
Now, George, I would like to really see you in the ring one time hit someone with your stomach come on.
- I do all the time.
- No, when they're in close Yeah, they rush me.
That's why they're afraid of me.
They won't charge me.
They know I'll bump 'em.
The worst thing you can do is box a left-hander.
- Why? - They're put on backwards as it is.
They just hit you When you just have your defense up, they hit you in the wrong spot.
And you charge them and you miss.
It's humiliating.
Well, I mean, what if you were to box practice boxing in a mirror? - Wouldn't that prepare you properly? - That's a great idea.
- I wasn't born yesterday.
- I never thought about that.
Who you fighting next? I think I'm gonna take this guy here.
I heard he's gonna - Hank? - Hey, now.
Hank is getting ready to drop his contract, so I might as well get him.
Wait a minute.
First of all, for the fifth time this week that Hank is not leaving the network.
He is in contract negotiations.
He is not leaving the show.
He's in contract He is in negotiations with the network and I'm sure that they will work something out.
We hope they'll work something out.
But George you'll agree with me I don't think I should cave in, right? No, not at all.
Belly-bump or do something.
Boy, oh, boy, Chef Paul's gumbo was incredibly strong.
- Hi, Shel.
- Steam coming out of my ass, Arty.
I swear, every time we have a chef on, does he have to make some something? You could sit and talk to them.
You think that'd be less painful? Nice show, boys, nice show.
- Shel, didn't see you there.
- Great show.
- How are ya? - Hank still trying to steal you blind? At the moment, the latest demand is a golf cart to drive around the studio.
Poor deluded bastard.
Shel, I don't wanna hear any more about these negotiations.
Just resolve it, will you, please? I wish I could tell you that it was resolved but Hank's being a little rough this time.
Says he's ready to leave the show.
Says he's got other offers.
Of course, basically, that's exactly what you two do when you're renegotiating your contract.
Now, wait a minute.
I had an offer last year.
- Take it easy.
- No.
I had that offer.
I could have gone on after Nightline.
- Shel believes you.
- I don't know if he does.
- Of course he does.
Shel? - Absolutely.
Listen, I'm trying to make Hank a happy man but there's a financial line we cannot cross.
- Here.
- Thank you, Arty.
Sorry, Shel.
I'm so sorry.
I know how much you hate all this contract talk.
No, it's not you, Shel.
It's that gumbo.
My dog wouldn't eat that shit.
I'm sorry.
Good stuff.
- Hello, Mr.
Davidoff.
- Please, Hank, it's Shel.
You've called me Shel for four years now.
Yeah, well, when it comes to business, I gotta call you Mr.
Davidoff.
Don't take offense, Shel.
Come on, walk with me.
I'm in a hurry.
Supposing, just supposing Do you think that stain on his pants is from the gumbo? I don't think so.
There you go.
Do you think that if I was 30 again that Don't I have enough pressure on me with everything without worrying about what you were like when you were 30 and who you dated? - Does the name Kim Novak mean anything? - Get outta here.
Just cleaning out my office, and I thought you might want this.
It's autographed.
Yeah, but Kenny Stabler? He played football.
Yeah, I know he played - Basketball.
- I know.
I didn't have any spare footballs around when he was on the show so it's the closest kind of ball I could find.
So, do you want it? Hell with it.
Come on, Hank.
Don't play this "I'm leaving the show" game with me.
Yeah, well I want to thank you for the kind words you said on the air tonight.
The sentiment really touched me and my stepmother who was watching in Pittsburgh.
Just hope it wasn't lost on the boys at the network.
You should thank Arty anyway.
He's the one who wrote it.
He put it on the cards for me.
I just read it off the cards.
Where it would have stayed had you not read it.
Well, glad I could help out.
Are you? - Of course I am, Hank.
- Oh, yeah? What the hell was that? - He was flexing a little muscle there.
- Flexing his muscle? Yeah.
Hank Kingsley will never leave this show.
Yeah, but what does he think he's worth? I have no idea.
How do you place a value on a man who introduces Wynnona Judd as "TheJudd"? That was a low point, even for him, wasn't it? I'm surprised she came out.
She was Jane Russell? Were you two just talking about Hank? 'Cause my ears were burning.
Anyway, the staff is having a little going-away cake for Hank.
It would be nice if you could join us, okay? Isn't he taking this a little seriously this time? Fuck it, it's free cake.
We can't miss this.
- Come on.
- All right.
Great.
This is gonna be great.
Okay, let me get him.
- Everybody there? - Yes.
- Is Larry there? - Yes, I got everyone.
Great.
- Yeah? - White cake with coconut sprinkles? - Yes.
- Great.
Surprise! What did you do here? What is this? What did you do here? Well What can I say? If someone invented a camera that could take, you know, snapshots of our feelings I would take a picture of this moment and keep it in the wallet of my heart forever.
Knowing most of you most of you has been a great pleasure but the powers that be want to put a price on what we have here and I'm afraid that price is just too low.
And Hank Kingsley is not a man to cave in on what is just.
I say he goes right into the cruise director story.
Bet you a hundred bucks it's the telephone story.
- You're on.
- You know this reminds me of when I was a just a cruise director - All right.
- Shit.
On the Andropolis.
The Andropolis, let me fill you in, was a Greek liner.
It was a luxury - Oh.
- What is this? Every time we have a going-away party for you, it's just too much of a downer.
Everyone goes home sad, 'cause they don't want to see you go.
So we thought we'd spring for something a little more fun.
Well, l This is I mean, this is too much.
Thank you.
I had no idea - that you and Paul could - Phil.
Could be so, you know, openly expressive about your affection.
Thank you.
I'm very touched.
Surprise! Is that Barbara? Well it's very nice to meet you.
Meet me? You've done a hell of a lot more than meet me.
Hey, now.
You asshole.
That number you gave me was to some dry cleaner's in Torrance.
Yeah, the area code got changed.
I don't know how come.
Bullshit.
I am not your whore.
Who needs this gig anyhow? That's fine.
You know, it's Damn.
People see you in enough of those lawn furniture spots they tend to fantasize about you.
Come on, who wants cake? Come on, cake! - Come on.
- Hey, you two, come on.
Does the What does the LXE Is it different than the other Does it have a limited slip differential? Does the LXE have a limited slip differential? - Well, if it's not available - Is it an option? - Is it? - Is it an option? The limited slip No.
So - Ask about the next model.
- What Does it have a - The next model.
- Can I talk? Can I? Okay.
Does the next model have the limited slip differential? It doesn't? Let me ask you this.
What is the limited slip differential? Listen, when you're up on a curb, you know, you have Why do I need this car anyway? I already have a car.
'Cause you deserve it.
It's safer, and it's classier.
I know he's right, I know he's right.
May I call you back? Yes.
Maury Povich, yeah.
Thank you.
- Well? - Big fan.
- I don't know.
- What about it? You gonna get it? Silver.
That's all I know.
I want a silver car.
That's all l - What about Hank now? - He wants to see you alone.
Alone? What about Arty? - I'll go check.
- Don't worry, I was just leaving.
Don't leave me alone with Hank.
I'll be listening on the speaker phone.
I'll be with you spiritually.
- Yeah? You want to see me? - Yeah.
You want a Coke or something? Sure, if you want me to have a Coke, I'll have a Coke.
- Good.
The ones on top are cold.
- I got it.
Talk to Shel recently? About anything in particular? No, about my hair weave.
About my leaving.
No.
Come on, Hank.
Come on.
You're not leaving.
I know you're not going.
Geez.
You know, in fact, Hank, what I was thinking was next year, when we have the going-away party let Arty and I take care of the strippers because we can probably find one that doesn't know you.
Okay.
Okay, good.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
A woman I happen to have met pops out of a very large present.
That's good.
Come on.
Let's make fun of her.
Hank, I'm sorry.
No, in fact, why don't you just laugh in my face? Might as well do it now.
You and Arty do it every time I turn my back.
That is not true.
She was half theJudds.
Now there's just one of them, so she's a she is a Judd.
She is a singleJudd! Her mother was ill What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the fuck is so comical about that? It was a back tooth, Hank.
I don't know how you did it.
All right.
No, no, it's my fault.
I really shouldn't be so angry about this.
- Look - You know what I'm really feeling? It hurts.
Yeah.
No, you don't understand.
- It hurts me when you guys do this.
- Listen to me.
You've had a really long week with this negotiation.
I think you're overreacting a little.
You cut one? What the hell was that? Huh? - When you let one go, boy.
Hello.
- That was the speaker phone.
Nice try.
No, someone's listening to our conversation on the speaker phone.
You think someone's on the speaker phone? Is someone on the speaker phone? Is someone listening, goddamn it? It's me, Larry, Arthur.
Arty, what are you doing on the speaker phone? Oh, are you in there with Hank? Arty, I'm sitting right here with Hank in my office.
How did you get on the phone? I don't know.
I have no idea how I got on the phone.
I was eating a sandwich in my office when suddenly I heard you guys.
Well, Arty, you clearly must have hit your elbow against the button and you're now on the speaker phone.
Maybe, maybe.
How's my old buddy, Hank? We were in the middle of a conversation.
I'm gonna have to hang up on you now, Arty.
Got ya.
That's the kind of shit I'm talking about.
I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Will you let me explain? No, I won't.
It's too late, my friend.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of being your personal village idiot.
I'll see you later.
- Tell us about your baby.
- Baby? I have a new baby who's eight months old who's pretty amazing.
Thank you.
- I don't know if they're happy for you.
- I don't know if they're happy for me.
- It's wonderful.
- I don't know what it is.
I didn't actually have the baby, but my wife did.
It'd be different if men carried the baby, wouldn't it? He'd be like, "I got things to do.
Get it out! Yeah, right, okay.
Yeah, okay, I see it.
Come on.
" Listen, let us take a break, and we'll come back after this commercial.
- Is that okay? We'll be right back.
- No, it's all right.
- We'll be right back.
- You come back, or you're dead.
Don't go away.
Delightful, Robin, delightful.
Sir, your mind is a national treasure.
Thanks.
God.
Enough of the bullshit.
How am I really doing? - You did great.
What are you doing? - Really? Yeah.
Come on, you're Robin Williams.
You aren't aware of that? If I was you, I'd never ask how I was doing.
- Really? - You were great.
Come on.
Oh, man.
If you were me, you wouldn't be wearing this suit, I guess.
- Stop it.
The suit is great.
- Really? - I don't look like an Irish pimp? - I didn't say that.
I know.
- Sorry I was mean to Hank.
- You weren't mean to Hank.
No one knows what that line is anymore.
I don't know what the deal is.
- Really? It's so easy.
- Hank and l Hank is sensitive.
I can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do with Hank.
We're going through a thing right now, as a matter of fact.
It's just too damn easy.
He looks like a before from Hair Club.
I can't go with you on that.
I cannot.
Can I ask you a question? I got to, I got to.
I never do this but can you autograph this for my niece, Jennifer.
She's six years old.
- Peter Pan? - What? Peter Pan, Mork, whatever.
- Mork, okay, yeah.
- Okay? Want me to sign that? I mean I'm sorry I was in your face tonight.
I'm really sorry.
What, are you kidding? When you said my head reminded you of your penis after a cold swim I was honored.
I think I would be a perfect foil for you.
You are.
For anyone.
You're wonderful.
Thank you.
What are you talking about? If I said that, you'd have been pissed off.
- No, I'm insulted.
- There's a difference.
- You see, number one - It's Mork with a "K.
" Right.
It was on stage, you see.
Number two Robin isn't supposed to be a friend of mine.
Number three he didn't do it behind my back.
And number four all the time.
- You know what? Okay, this is not - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- That's great.
Tension.
You should work this out.
You gotta see somebody together.
Should I continue with my kid's penis? Should I talk about that? Why don't you do the Go into the Talk about why you got the beard.
You're not gonna do Arsenio or Leno, are you? - I've got to.
- Fucker.
Hey, it's a business.
Get used to it.
Blow me.
Welcome back.
We are back with Robin Williams.
When we left When we left, we were talking about your baby? Yes, my baby.
- Eight months old? - Eight months old, yeah.
- And? - He's wonderful.
He's hung like a field mouse.
I mean, you pop the diaper and ping! It's like a little sundial.
Look.
It's amazing.
It's like you're going, whoa, yes.
Honey, what time is it? Get the baby.
Get the baby.
Look, it's 3:00.
Oh, 2:30 now.
It's real cold.
I hear what you're saying.
I agree.
I mean, you're one of the greats.
I mean, hell, man, you're a legend.
But things are tough out there, kid.
Times are bad.
And the trend in talk shows today is not to have a sidekick.
Yeah, it is a dying art but I've been having talks with Dick Cavett about co-hosting.
Cavett? What's he doing? What's he doing, Arty? He has his own talk show on CNBC.
CNBC? What the hell is that? What's that mean? - Don't you know? - No, my TV stops at channel 13 the way it's supposed to.
What I'm trying to tell you is that as far as sidekicks go it's not exactly a seller's market.
Arty, I'm not going anywhere.
I got the network by the balls on this one.
- You do? - Yeah.
I got a meeting with Sheldon right now.
It's all gonna be over in a half hour.
Good luck, buddy.
Well? How'd it go? Got a second? I just came in to apologize for some of the things I said to you a little earlier.
You sure do keep it dark in here, don't you? Still doing the spots, huh? What's wrong? The network passed.
- The network passed? - The network passed.
What did they say? Let's see.
What did they say? They said "Hey, you untalented, overpriced sidekick you're just another piece of meat to us so why don't you take what we gave you last year and be happy with that you worthless piece of shit?" Look, times are very hard right now.
Maybe you should think about taking last year's salary.
- Well, I can't do that, can I? - Why not? I mean Well, why? You see, I've just been on national TV and I've just said, "Hank Kingsley will not cave in.
" So, I am fucked.
What does Arty have to say about this? I don't know.
I can't go to Arty.
It's embarr It's gonna be bad enough when this thing hits the front page of Variety.
- The second page, at least.
- You know you'd think they'd be pissed that you might take the Cavett thing.
What's wrong with you? Is there something wrong with you? - What are you talking about? - There's no Cavett.
You hear me? - You said there was the Cavett thing.
- Zip on Cavett.
I'm bluffing.
- You were bluffing about Cavett? - Right, right.
I mean, I'm doing the same thing you did when you said that you had the offer from the other network.
I had another offer.
That's why I had leverage.
I was offered the spot after Nightline.
Oh, my God I thought you were bluffing.
Jesus, Larry, I could have gotten us a nice table at Musso's.
I didn't want anybody to see us, that's all.
Let's be quick.
I have breakfast with Fred Dryer early in the morning.
Oh, boy, you must be excited.
I bet you won't sleep all night.
Listen, what does Hank want exactly? He wants a five percent raise, he want gross percentage points he wants three weeks additional paid vacation - and he wants a Hankmobile.
- What's a Hankmobile? It's that golf cart I told you about last week.
I smell urine here.
All right, don't be so cutthroat with Hank, will ya? Come on, make a deal.
Let the man walk away with some dignity.
Come on.
- We're talking about business.
- We're talking about Hank, okay? Give him everything he wants, or you know what's gonna happen? I'm off the show.
I mean it.
If he goes, I go, Shel.
- Come off it.
- I mean it.
I suppose you want another one of those fake going-away parties? You know what, Shel? I don't have to fake it.
I can go on after Nightline anytime I want.
Call Bob Iger at ABC.
He'll tell you.
- It ain't gonna work.
- Well, Shel, you know what? Make it work, 'cause, you know, I love being here.
I don't mean on these stairs.
I mean, you know, the network.
"Didn't know it was a mannequin.
" Look at that.
This is great.
This is yours? They must love you.
Yep, I told you, I was gonna get everything, huh? - This is great.
- Thank you.
- Wow, you must be very pleased.
- I am very pleased.
Did you get the salary bump? - Yes.
- All right.
What about the syndication points? Well, you know, you see, the thing on the the salary bump was so great that I felt I should give them something.
So, you know I don't need syndication points.
No.
What about the vacation? Three weeks? - Week and a half.
- Great.
- Fine.
- Great.
Good.
And this If they gave you this This is gorgeous.
Wow.
What? I had to pay for it myself, so don't tell anybody, okay? Great.
Larry, I want to thank you for going to bat for me.
- Really.
It's beautiful.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- You don't know what I'm talking - I don't.
If I go, you go.
- You know what you did that was smart? - What? You got the white interior.
Cooler in the summer.
Yeah, you got a very different way of showing your love, don't you? I've seen men be burned in dark interiors.
- Come on, come on.
- Hank, please.
- You know how I feel about this.
- Come on.
- You're gonna kiss me this time.
- No, come on, come on.
- Hank, you're on in ten seconds.
- All right, okay.
Listen, buddy, park this by the prop room.
No joyriding, and I'll be back in 58 minutes exactly.
All right? Yeah.
Thank you.
- You're in your own moment? - No, I'm just - The network is fucked, you know that? - You're not in your own moment? I'm not in my own moment.
I lay myself out on the line, and they still don't give Hank everything.
- What the fuck is that? - The poor baby.
He seems happy.
That's not the issue.
That is not the issue.
You'd think the network would care enough about me to do what I tell them.
It's an insult.
This is an insult.
You think they'd be nervous you'd take the offer and go on after Nightline.
That is exactly my point.
You did have that offer to go on after Nightline, didn't you? Fuck no.