The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s01e07 Episode Script

There are my boys Timbo and Stualicious.
- Ugh.
- You know I don't like Timbo.
- And I'm offended by Stualicious.
- Why? Because you're combining my name with the word delicious.
Have you conjured that visual? Uh, I didn't really, like, conjure - or give any thought to it.
- Shocking.
Anyway, hey, I want to play a prank on the new assistant.
- You guys in or what? - Absolutely.
- No.
I'm not a - Come on.
- I'm not a prankster.
- Timmy.
We're gonna make him feel welcome.
It'll be like he's part of the family and stuff.
The way you make someone feel like family - is by doing something awful to them.
- Exactly.
Okay, here's the plan.
I'll buy the thumbtacks.
Stu, you look like a tape guy.
You're on Scotch.
- You know it.
- Tim, you buy the bag of hardcore porn.
- No.
- Big bag, like shopping bag.
- I'll get the tape.
- Nope, you're the porn guy.
- I'm the porn guy.
- Yup.
When did I become this person? Tim, I don't have time to argue.
Let's review what everyone's bringing.
- Stu? - Tape.
- Me? Tacks.
Tim? - Paper clips.
- Nope.
- Wrong.
- Huge bag of porn? - Exactly.
What a team.
Ah, beautiful day, huh? I got to admit, I like getting up early.
That's right.
Early is good.
You want coffee or muffin? No, what I need is, um I need a lot of porn, actually.
I need a copy of "Juggs.
" - Okay.
- Copy of "Barely Legal.
" - Oh.
- Copy of "Big Boobs," "Big Tits," "Tits in Your Face.
" - Whoa.
- "Black Beauties," - "Asian Beauties.
" - Wow.
You have any gay stuff? Any "Inches"? What's that? What's that one with the big cock on the cover? Just give me five of those.
Wow, you horny at 6:00 A.
M.
, huh? A little bit.
Just wrap it up.
Excuse me, do you have any cough syrup for children? - No no no, wait your turn.
- No, let her go.
- Okay, let's ring you up.
- She can go in front of me.
So you got one copy of "Juggs.
" - One "Barely Legal.
" - That's not mine.
"Asian Beauties," "Black Beauties.
" That's not what I asked for.
I asked for a blueberry muffin.
Oh.
Well, I have - Know what? - What? Just give me a copy of "Maxim" magazine and some gum.
What happened? Not as horny as when you first walked in? You guys got the contraband or what? Scotch tape in the hizzy.
- Boom.
- And here's the bag of porn.
- "Maxim"? - What is this? It's got women in it.
They're in bathing suits.
That's pretty sexy.
"Maxim" makes "Playboy" look like "Knocked Up and Horny.
" You know what? We're gonna have to dip into my private stash.
You have a private stash? That should have been plan "A.
" Here's what I want you to do.
Tim, go get some porn from under my desk.
Then you guys tape the porn around the guy's cubicle on his screen, on his chair, on the floor, in his drawers and stuff.
Rodney, can I just ask what exactly you're doing? - I'm on lookout.
- Lookout? - Yup.
- That's not doing anything.
Lookout is the hardest part.
It's like the danger zone.
The stuff that Kenny Loggins was talking about.
Know what, Rodney? I'm gonna be on lookout.
I'm gonna put my foot down.
Uh, if you're feeling it, I'll go with it.
- I'm the lookout guy.
- I want you to do me something.
If anyone comes I want you to shout out really loudly, "Hey, Rodney! Put away the porn.
Someone is coming in your direction to bust you.
" Then throw in a crow call or something.
- Ca-caw.
- Exactly.
Stu, maybe you should take over.
- Wow, this group is a - Dynamic force.
well-oiled machine.
- Yes.
It's like the movie "Inside Man.
" It's a go? It's happening? It's gonna be classic, dude, yes.
The guy's cubicle is covered in tons of balls and asses and tits.
Rodney, you're like a porn Picasso.
- Thank you, my friend.
- Can't wait to see it.
Oh, sorry.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
- Who are you? - Well, my name's Keith.
I just started here and thought I'd say hi.
- You're the new guy? - Yeah.
I, uh right out of Ohio State.
Yeah yeah yeah.
And this cube here, this is where you sit? This is home.
- Whoops.
- Not good.
Abort mission.
Stu is aborting the mission.
This prank has fallen apart, Rodney.
Hi, everyone.
Welcome back, Helen.
How did your bone marrow transplant surgery go? Oh, honey, I just tell you, - I'm happy to be alive.
- Oh.
I got this nice gel cushion to sit on now.
But I'm just glad to be back at work in my old cubicle.
We're happy to have you, Helen.
- Oh no.
- This is awful.
- Who'd do such a thing? - I think I'm gonna vomit.
My God, that man has a - Disgusting.
- Helen, look away.
First the bone marrow transplant and now this.
Why does God hate me? How do they do that? Tim, go check the security camera.
We're gonna find the perverted son of a bitch who did this.
Hmm.
Guess that clears me.
- Clears you? - Clears me, right? Why on the name of the sweet baby Jesus were you standing by the elevators with a duffle bag at 7:00 A.
M.
Iooking around nervously for 25 to 35 minutes? - I was just hanging out.
- Oh.
Just hanging out by the elevators.
- Tim.
- Yeah? Brenda from accounting saw you.
She saw you at the store this morning in the process of purchasing - an ungodly amount - That was her? No, that transaction never went through.
of porn.
- No, it never went through.
Tim, I'm gonna have to go ahead and call Helen in here.
- No no.
- And you're gonna apologize.
- No, I don't want to talk to her.
- Helen.
- You wanted to see me? - Oh, Helen.
Helen, Helen, Helen, you cripply old hobbler.
Come on over here.
Helen, it appears as if it was Timothy here who was the responsible party for that awful prank.
Why would you do such a thing? - Why? - Why? I just thought in light of your recent surgery - Yes? it might lighten the mood a little if you came back and found your cubicle plastered with, you know, penises and and and boobs.
Just people screwing.
I thought that would be funny.
It's so out of character for the office.
- Are you crazy or what? - It is funny.
You could've gotten me a welcome-back teddy bear.
- I didn't think of that.
- Or a balloon.
- Balloon saying, "Welcome Back Helen.
" - A balloon? Really simple stuff.
- Good idea.
- Live and learn.
Live and learn.
Let me make it up to you.
Is there anything I could possibly do at this point? - You know, there is one thing.
- Yeah? In my condition, I'm so weak I can't teach my Sunday school class.
- You want me to teach it? - Mmm-hmm.
That'd be great.
I'd love that.
All right.
That's wonderful.
Thank you.
- All is forgiven.
- Fantastic.
This is great.
No hard feelings.
We're all friends again.
And certainly no pending sexual-harassment lawsuits.
Back to work.
- Timbo.
- Oh, hey, Father.
Haven't seen you since the baptism.
- That's right.
That was fun.
- That was fun.
You remember you jerked off in the bathroom? - I do.
I remember.
- That's right.
But, uh, this is your church? This is where you work now? Oh no, it's not mine.
It's God's.
Anyway, I'm just here part time.
Just a part-time priest.
Yeah, well, they want me to lay off the sermons until my drinky drinky is under control.
- That makes sense.
- When you start giving communion, Tim, with shots of Jager, it's time to reel it in.
That's when you've got to reel it in.
That's when you know as a priest, reel it in.
All right, well, I guess I'll be in with the kids if you need me.
That sounds great.
Let me know how that goes.
Hey, little guys.
I'm Tim.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Not a very warm welcome.
- What are you gonna read? - Yeah.
- What am I gonna read? - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I guess the Bible, right? Where do you guys where do you keep those things? Mrs.
J.
Brings the Bible.
- She brings it? - In her purse.
Seems like a key piece of information to leave out.
Mrs.
J.
Always reads to us.
You've made that point very clear.
Um Are you gonna read? You know what? Give me a minute.
- Father.
- Timbo.
I got a problem.
There are no Bibles in this church.
- So? - So? I got to read something to these kids.
Read anything, Tim.
They're children.
They don't understand what you're saying.
No, these kids are pretty sharp.
No, they're not.
Trust me.
Just read from a Wheat Thins box, they'll be enthralled.
"Ooh, wheat.
" That's what they'll say.
- Just read? - Just read whatever you got, Tim.
- Whatever I got? - Whatever's in your bag, just read it.
All right, guys.
Change of plans.
We don't have any Bibles.
So we're just gonna go ahead and read from "Maxim" magazine.
A publication for men.
Today's story is entitled, "The 40 Hottest Babes on the Planet," compiled by staff editor Randy Goldstein.
Does it have to do anything with God? I can't imagine how it's gonna come around to that.
It's really just about the babes and their I'll just get into it.
I'll just get into it.
"Number 40: Scarlett Johansson.
Check out Scarlett eating hot dogs at Coney Island.
If you ask us, that rack of hers is one thing that does not get 'Lost in Translation.
"' Is that the whole story? No, but it's not going to get any better.
I don't understand what this is about.
It doesn't make any sense.
You know what doesn't make sense? Natalie Portman at number 22.
How is she not top five? Who's Natalie Portman? Who is she? You didn't see "V for Vendetta"? She's in that Wes Anderson thing.
The short where she's nude.
Um Iook, it's her.
- Ooh.
- Wow.
- Yow.
- Ooh.
Uh-oh.
Hey, bud, how was Sunday school today? Tim told us that there's these hottest babes on the planet.
They weren't really naked, but you could see the boob come through.
So, sweetie, did you hear a good story today? When I grow up, I think I want to be I think I want to go lesbian.
Oh my.
- Mommy? - Yes, sweetheart.
My wiener's going crazy and it won't stop.
In my defense, what kind of church doesn't have a Bible? Wow, a Rolex.
That's amazing.
- It's my dream watch.
- Wow.
Well, I figured it's the big 5-0 - so why not? - Thank you.
Dad, I think Tim got you something too.
- Oh.
- Oh, how nice.
Just a little a little something.
I put it all in the same bag - to contain it.
- That's very thoughtful.
- Tim, give him the present.
- Thank you, Tim.
- All right, here it is.
- Let's see.
- Is this, um - That's a pen.
Yes.
And a highlighter.
The theme is everything for the working dad.
- Oh.
- There are Post-it notes there.
- Yeah, you got some of those.
- Uh Speechless? Tim, did you steal this stuff from work? Steal? No.
I didn't steal the gift.
- You came here straight from work.
- Yeah.
- And these are office supplies.
- Mm-hmm.
And this is an Omnicorp bag.
Yeah.
I'm not don't know where you're going with this.
I can't believe you stole my dad's present.
Well, Amy, they could have a gift shop.
- You guys have a gift shop? - No.
But why are we talking about theft at a nice dinner? Folks, the point is, I absolutely love my Rolex.
And I'll be able to get plenty of good use out of the office supplies that ultimately may or may not have been stolen.
Oh, man.
I need help here.
I got to get another birthday gift for Amy's dad.
- Right.
- What's thoughtful but costs nothing? Um, loyalty? No, something maybe I'll sculpt something, whittle something out of wood.
I got something.
You'd owe me huge big time - but I might have a solution.
- Let's hear it.
All right, you know my dad.
He has Giants season tickets.
And he has two extra tickets for Sunday.
Giants-Eagles.
Are you joking? That's amazing.
Her dad's from Philadelphia.
He loves the Eagles.
You and Amy's dad come with me and my dad.
- We have an afternoon out.
- That's amazing.
You understand how big of a favor this would be? I do.
How can I repay you? - Uh, I got something.
- Let's hear it.
I want Amy to call and say goodnight to me - at least three times a week.
- No.
Here's exactly the words I want her to say.
"Hey, baby, sleep well.
I'm thinking about you.
" - Okay? - No.
This was a generous offer a second ago.
- Yeah.
- Then it got weird.
- Tim, this is a great present.
- Tell me about it.
- My dad is gonna love these tickets.
- I hope so.
- He's the biggest Eagles fan.
- I know.
It's a thoughtful gift.
Thoughtful and expensive.
Oh yeah.
It's just really really sweet of you.
You know, I just want your dad to like me.
Who said he doesn't like you? - He said it.
And your mom agreed.
- He did? At dinner, remember he said, "Amy, I think you can do much better"? Maybe he meant something else.
He was looking at me.
He was looking at me.
- Could have been the food.
- No, he pointed at me.
Remember he said, "I don't care for this guy"? - Right.
- On a completely unrelated note, could you call Stu later tonight and just say, - "Hey, baby, time for bed"? - Excuse me? Wow, this is great, Tim.
You know how much I love my Eagles.
I think I've outdone myself.
This is a generous, thoughtful gift.
- It really is.
- Let's just have a fun day.
- Get to know each other.
- I can't wait to meet your friends.
Yeah, my friends are coming.
I figured I'd treat the whole gang.
- Oh, this is amazing, Tim.
- Wait, is that them? If any Philly fans want to suck my cock now's the time.
Come and get it.
Suck it down, Philly.
Get a mouthful of urine.
Um, are those your friends? Yeah.
Yeah, that's them.
Hey, guys.
How you doing? Hey, guys.
Sorry we're late.
- Amy's dad, Stu.
- Hey, Amy's father.
I'm Stu.
Oh God.
- I see.
- Uh, listen, guys.
- What up? - Can I talk to you real quick? You want to do a little side chat? Listen, guys, that was embarrassing.
- Amy's father is from Philadelphia.
- Awkward.
So if we could tone down the anti-Philly rhetoric, I think everyone would win.
- But, Tim.
- Yeah? - Why else would I come to a game? - What does that even mean? I'm here to insult people, to yell cock.
I can't yell cock at work.
One time I yelled cock and people said, "What are you yelling?" I said cock.
They said, "Don't do that.
" I almost got fired.
Please, this is my girlfriend's father.
I'm trying to make a good impression here.
Fine.
Fine, I'm there with you, Tim.
I want you to make a good impression.
Watch me take care of things.
I got to say, I appreciate it.
- Listen, Amy's father.
- Yes.
I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
I couldn't agree more.
All I was trying to say is that I'm not a big fan of the Eagles.
I prefer the Giants.
And I live here in New York, so Thank you.
That's very big of you.
Why don't we shake and let's let bygones be bygones? I appreciate the gesture.
I guess that's just the way New Yorkers are a little rough around the edges.
- Start with a clean slate.
- Oh, good heavens.
He's urinating on my foot! - No no.
- Oh no, am I doing that? What happened to toning it down? I got to tell you something.
I can't believe it myself.
We're as surprised as you guys are by this turn of events.
Okay, let's put that behind us and let's get some beers.
Birthday beers.
Timothy, your friend just urinated on my foot.
He's just kidding.
I mean, he's got a dry sense of humor.
Hey, lady.
Yeah, you with the Eagles hat.
You're retarded.
He's like Bob Newhart, this guy.
Oh, hold on a second.
Hold on.
- Amy.
- Hey, Tim.
Are you guys having fun? - Are we having fun? - No.
- What do you mean by that? - Is my dad there? He's here.
What are you calling for? - I want to see how it's going.
- I don't understand the call.
- Tell her not having any fun.
- Was that my dad? - Yeah, he's having a blast.
- Oh, good.
Yeah, it's a generous gift.
Tell her a man urinated on my foot.
- What did he say? - My sock's wet with another man's piss.
I don't know what he's saying.
I think he said, "Happy birthday to me.
" - What? - It's crazy here.
What a time.
What a great day.
I'll talk to you later.
Pissed on my foot! All right, game time.
You having a happy birthday? - I'm curious, Timothy.
- Yeah? Why did you invite the apes? I'm just generous.
That's just my nature.
- To include everyone.
- Mmm.
Listen, they're good guys.
You got to just get to know them.
Now that we're sitting, at this point it's all about football.
Now their eyes are on the field.
Hey, Philly.
You might be from Philadelphia, but this is my dad's ass.
Okey-dokey.
- Uh, Tim? - Yeah? Thank you for ruining my birthday.
I'm gonna finish my beer and go.
Come on, don't blame me for what these guys are doing.
- They're their own guys.
- You do have a point.
Yeah, judge me based on what I do or what I say, the generous gifts that I give.
Well, how about this? I'll take a breather, I'll go get us a couple of hot dogs and we'll come back and see how things go from there.
You know what? I love that idea.
Why don't you let it be my treat and why don't we make it Philly cheese steaks? Now you're talking Philly style.
Philly style.
Let's eat it up.
You know what, Tim? You may do a lot of things that make you look like a total jackass, but deep down I think your heart's in the right place.
Thank thank you.
You are welcome.
All right, let's just enjoy the game.
Beautiful day.
Breezy and beautiful.
Uh-oh, what time is it? Time to feel the fresh air on our bodies.
- Whoa.
- Oh yeah.
- That's impressive - Thank you, thank you.
- This is how men act.
- This is how they act? - Yeah.
- I got to say, you know what? This is a good chance to kiss up to Amy's dad.
- Any chance I could get in on this? - Are you kidding? You know what? I don't usually do it for people just randomly.
It's something that's well thought out.
But I'll tell you something.
I've been tough on the old man.
I peed on his shoes.
I've been saying profanities.
I've been a little out of control as far as he's concerned.
As far as I'm concerned, son, I've toned it down.
- Like an angel.
- That's correct.
Now let me tell you something.
For you I'm gonna do it.
- With a Philly? - Philly, yeah.
- "Philly number one.
" - We got some green and white.
Philly rules.
- Hand me the paint.
- Here you go.
I cannot wait to see the guy's face.
You got a fantastic chest for painting.
- Really? - It's nice and flat.
Here we go, and done.
Take a look.
What? No no no no.
- Yeah.
- That's not Philly rules.
- Not even close.
- What are you doing? I just thought you wanted Philly in there somewhere.
- This is a living hell.
- All righty, kiddo.
- Oh no.
- Two cheese steaks and a what? - Can I explain this? - "Suck it, Philly"? "It" means penis and that's why there's an arrow pointing to it.
- Timothy.
- I don't think that needed explanation.
Excuse me.
I just want to say me and the rest of the guys in the blue seats up there saw your funny body and we just wanted to say that it's hilariously inspirational to us.
And I think it's time for a little "Suck it, Philly.
" - Oh yeah.
- No, let's not chant it.
Suck it, Philly.
Suck it, Philly.
Suck it, Philly.
It's been a great weekend.
It's been a wonderful weekend.
I loved that restaurant last night.
Oh, isn't it nice? Judy recommended that to me.
I hope the guys are having fun at the game.
Oh, sweetie, how could they not? You know, it looks like the Eagles are winning, so your father just must be in heaven.
What's that? Look at that guy down there.
This is crazy.
He's not only telling everybody to suck on his schlong, but he has got an entire section chanting it with him.
I mean, he's got this whole stadium on fire.
Oh my God.
Maybe it's not him.
He looks a little short to be Ti That's Tim.
Oh shit, that is Tim.
You got to love these sick perverted sons of bitches who come out here and just shower an entire stadium with obscenities.
It's just fun to see.