The Lone Gunmen s01e07 Episode Script

To die to sleep perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub.
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause.
There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time the oppressors wrong, the proud man's contumely the pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes when he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear to grunt and sweat under a weary life but that the dread of something after death -the undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveler takes.
Merci.
Oh, there you are.
What are you doing here? Checking out the digs.
- Suh-weet.
- Hey, the bathroom's got a water fountain in it.
- That's a bidet.
- Eh, tomato, tomah-to.
Being the Dragon Lady must pay big.
What in the hell are you doing here? How did you find me? Luckily, you've got that weird obsession with anagrams.
Some would call it a fetish.
I created a little program that searches all 15 letters of Yves Adele Harlow.
We ran it through every database we could think of and voila.
One Sarah Lee Weyvold turned up registered at this hotel.
- Livin' large.
- Get out.
Now.
Uh-uh.
First, explain this.
- What is it? - You tell us.
Look, don't play dumb, Yves.
You sent us this e-mail.
Admit it.
It's yet another one of your mind games.
You hit us up with that mysterioso bit to get us on the case.
Then we do all the dirty work for you.
It happens every time.
- Only this time Excusez-moi.
It's my fault.
Who's the frog? You morons.
- What are you doing? - Leaving.
I suggest you do the same.
For God's sake, Yves.
Did you consider the elevator? Three men are riding up it right now.
When they get here, they're going to kill everyone present, thanks to the way you've mucked things up.
Do we believe her? What do we do now? Grab every sheet and towel you can find.
Hurry.
Hey.
I hope you're happy.
Do I look happy? If I were to describe for you the breadth and scope of the scam you blew for me tonight the millions you two cost me your little pea brains would spin inside their skulls.
- Huh.
Wow.
- Who the hell were those guys, anyway? I'm asking the questions now.
What was so important that you had to interrupt me at my work? Did you or did you not send us this? For the tenth time, what is it? You seriously don't know? Our mistake.
- Never mind.
- Frohike I'll be flossing chunks of your scalp from my teeth if you don't tell me right this second what it is you're on about.
Um It's an e-mail we received.
It came as a text and audio file.
Play her the audio.
Gentlemen, I'm in desperate need of help.
I'm familiar with the work you do defending democracy in all its forms.
Therefore, I beg you to consider my situation.
I am, for lack of a better word, a slave.
I am being held captive by a cadre of government scientists who work for the Department of Defense.
They subject me to a daily regimen ofhumiliating tests which rob me of my dignity.
And I am not alone.
There are many others just like me.
We are victims of experimentation meant to alter the structure of our brains.
Don't allow me to die in this hateful and immoral captivity.
Please help me to escape.
So, what do you think? I think that's Edward Woodward.
Edward Woodward, the actor? He played The Equalizer on TV.
The guy from The Equalizer is being held by government scientists? No.
I think perhaps somebody's having a bit of fun with you.
This Equalizer guy Why is he messing with our heads? Jimmy, I don't think it's really Edward Woodward.
Someone must've sampled his voice and constructed this message word for word.
- It's a pretty neat bit of programming.
- So, what? The whole thing's a big joke? In the text attachment, he says the scientists call him by a slave name - Peanuts.
- "Peanuts.
" - Peanuts.
- "Peanuts.
" He asks us to bring a pair ofbolt cutters and meet him at 1: 00 on Friday afternoon.
He'll be behind the fence at the western end of the Boulle Behavioral Laboratory in Richmond, Massachusetts.
I back-traced the e-mail.
It did originate from the Boulle Laboratory, whatever that is.
But when I tried to crack into the server, hit a D.
O.
D.
firewall.
- Heavy military security.
- I think it merits a trip to western Massachusetts.
On the off chance it's true, it'd be a huge scoop for the Lone Gunman.
Yeah.
I say we do it.
I'm coming with you.
You owe me big time.
Dr.
Hasslip.
Dr.
Hasslip.
That's me.
Hasslip.
Now let's spell your names.
We'll start with Peanuts.
P-E-A N- U T- S.
Peanuts.
That's your name.
Peanuts, I think you know more than you're letting on.
Dr.
Hasslip? May I have a word with you, sir? Wait a minute.
What exactly are you accusing me of? Sir, I'm not accusing you of anything.
I'm informing you that an unauthorized e-mail was sent from this facility and that your password was used.
At the time it was sent, you were in my presence in the lunchroom - so I assume it wasn't you.
- No.
No, it wasn't.
- Where was it sent from? - We can't determine that.
I'd appreciate you keeping your eyes and ears open.
So, where did we leave off? I th Three minutes to 1:00.
Something's happening.
You figure that guy's Peanuts? If so, they got him dressed like a waiter from T.
G.
I.
Friday's.
- What in the hell? - What's with the monkeys? Where's all the slaves? - We've been had.
- Maybe.
Though these primates could be part of some larger research program.
Uh, I seriously doubt it.
Let's just go home.
- Let me see those, would you? - Yeah.
You might have family here.
Guys, I think that's Peanuts.
Jimmy, it's a chimp.
I know.
But look.
He's looking right at us.
He looks like he's looking right at us.
H-He just waved to us.
Look! He did it again! You're not saying a chimpanzee e-mailed us, are you, Jimmy? He said they named him Peanuts.
If I had a monkey, I'd name him Peanuts.
Or maybe Admiral Peanuts.
If what I'm saying is so stupid, how come Yves isn't laughing? You believe me, don't you? - What are you doing? - What I came here to do.
Jimmy! Jimmy, get back here! Shh.
Peanuts.
Peanuts.
Come on.
Oh, crap! Halt! Halt! License plate.
Damn it! Damn it! We never leave a man behind.
Not even Jimmy.
Guys? They're gone, for the moment.
What a fiasco.
How are we ever gonna spring Jimmy when we're holed up in here? Guys, what if the big dope is right? What if this is some kind of government-bred super-intelligent chimp? - Frohike.
- Oh, seriously.
How did he know to stow away in our van? Feel free to call me an idiot, Yves.
You're an idiot, Frohike.
Uh-huh.
It's likeJimmy said.
Yves knows it's true.
I bet she knew from the start as soon as she heard the name Boulle Behavioral Lab.
That explains why she wanted to come along on this.
Right? So ask him.
- Ask who? - Ask the chimpanzee.
Why talk to me when you can talk to him? Peanuts, man, ¿qué pasa? He may not know Spanish.
Peanuts.
That's your name, right? Tell us a little about yourself.
How did you get to be so smart? Talk to us.
Say something.
Ah, he's dissing us.
Talk to me, you stupid monkey.
You wanted us here.
Jimmy's locked up because of you.
That's it.
I'm selling him to the circus.
Jimmy too, if we ever get him loose.
Certainly, Jimmy's what we need to be concentrating on.
God only knows what he's telling those M.
P.
s right now.
What I did, I did in the name of the Monkey Liberation Army! Freedom to our furry brothers! The Monkey Liberation Army? Yeah.
The M.
L.
A.
, we call it.
Anywhere there's a monkey being abused or mistreated or just, y-you know, whatever Be they chimps or gorillas or the ones with the weird noses and the shiny red butts, we'll be there! Who's "we"? Uh, "we," as in "me.
" Just me.
Right now it's a one-man, grassroots kind of thing.
But I fully expect a groundswell of support from the entire nation once they get wind of what's going on here.
How would you know what's going on here? Sergeant, release him to me.
Think you can crack their computer? Should at least be able to run down the contractor who built the lab maybe pull up a floor plan.
Hey.
Hey, stop it.
Give me that! Reason with him, Frohike.
Try to reach a meeting of minds.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm a big enough man to admit when I'm wrong.
I don't know what they're doing at that lab.
Maybe they're breeding monkeys that are stupider than usual.
-All right.
That's it, bud.
Party time's over.
Right there.
Hey.
That little bastard took my keys.
Perhaps the battery came unhooked.
Peanuts, I presume.
Think you're pretty cute, don't you, little guy? All right.
Time for a meeting of the minds.
Talk, you thief.
- Say something.
- Please, Peanuts.
- Speak.
-He can't.
He's a chimpanzee.
He doesn't have the vocal cords of speech.
Haven't you figured that out yet? So what can he do? Besides grand-theft auto.
- It's gibberish.
- No, it's not.
It's Linux.
He's downloading some sort of voice synth program.
Wow.
Way to go, Peanuts.
Please stop addressing me by my slave name.
How do you prefer we address you? By the name I have given myself Simon White-Thatch Potentloins.
Um, Simon - it was you that sent us that e-mail? Then why did you run from Jimmy, our associate? I meant no offense, but I found him rather frightening.
Yeah? Well, then why are you playing dumb with us? Yeah, why'd you try to bail on us? We're here to help you.
I don't appreciate your intention to sell me to a circus! It It was a joke.
You haven't shown that you're any different than my previous captors.
Please, I just want to be left alone.
All right.
Spill it.
I'd heard whispers of this for years.
The military wants a perfect undercover operative.
- An intelligent chimp? - A chimp is the first step, I would imagine.
A good starting point, as it's the closest relative to man, genetically speaking.
They want intelligent animals.
If they could breed a dog or a cat or a bird as smart as a human, imagine what spies they would be.
Total access.
No one would suspect them! Not simply spies.
Imagine if Nikita Khrushchev's house cat was to run about his ankles just as he was descending the stairs for a midnight snack.
My God.
No one would even know it was murder.
It's brilliant.
Except for one small detail.
You can create an intelligent animal, but you can't be assured of his politics.
I'm not sure what you've heard about us, Jimmy.
But as you can see, these animals are not abused or mistreated.
They're rarely in cages.
They're well fed treated with compassion.
Maybe.
But it's not like they asked to be here.
That's Zuzu.
She wants to groom you.
How's that Denerex workin' for me? Zuzu's not accustomed to males.
Well, why is that? We don't mix the sexes.
The chimps would find it distracting.
See, I think that's sad.
You separate 'em.
You give 'em slave names.
Slave names? Yeah.
Zuzu, Peanuts.
How could you possibly know his name? Uh, whose name? My missing chimpanzee.
He contacted you, didn't he? He e-mailed you.
Wow.
That would be some trick, huh? Seeing as how I don't have e-mail.
My God, I was right about him.
I was right all along.
You are going to bring Peanuts back to me.
You are going to bring him back.
And you are going to do it not out of fear of prison or prosecution but because it is the right thing.
- How's that? - He's too important to science.
And he's too important to America.
You love your country, Jimmy? Well, yeah.
Of course I do.
Then imagine how disastrous it would be for a hostile power to get ahold of Peanuts.
To take possession of this huge breakthrough in genetic engineering that he embodies.
You follow? Let's say our president receives a little dog as a gift a dog with an I.
Q.
higher than yours who could spy on national security meetings.
A little talking dog.
Like the one that sells the tacos.
Those ingenious Mexicans.
D Uh You do understand me, don't you, Jimmy? You do see how important this is? Certainly you can see how important this is.
- People need to know about you.
- Why? Because Americans deserve to know what their government is up to.
That's true.
He's British.
I'm not British.
I simply prefer the voice.
I'm not human.
I don't aspire to be.
Why should I care about your affairs? You creatures certainly don't care about mine.
We freed you.
You owe us.
What if, in my place, I gave you something better? What could be better than a super-intelligent chimp? Another super-intelligent chimp.
One who's already in the field, operating as a trained assassin.
- No way! - In cold war weapons research the Soviets matched the U.
S.
dollar for dollar.
You're saying there's a Russian chimp as smart as you are.
And he's a murderer? He's a free agent now.
He works for the highest bidder.
And I happen to know he'll kill again tomorrow.
It will take place in Washington, D.
C.
Apolitical assassination.
His name is Bobo.
He knows no mercy.
This is the guy? The French minister of state? He's the intended victim.
High-level trade talks are being held in Washington this week.
Certain parties wish to influence the outcome and aren't above using murder to do it.
This chimpanzee, Bobo How will he get close enough to this man to assassinate him? The minister and his family plan a visit tomorrow to the National Zoo.
Guess who'll be waiting for them in the primate section? - There's no point in calling the cops.
- Yeah.
What are we gonna tell 'em? There's a killer chimp on the loose? We'll have to stop him ourselves.
We can't forget aboutJimmy.
How close are you to cracking the lab's computer? Getting there.
It's a tough one.
You should keep working.
Oh! Peanuts.
-Uh, sorry.
Simon.
You obviously know the lab's computer system.
Would you mind helping Langly access it? Okay.
I know he can type and everything, but come on.
This makes me look bad.
You two stay put until we get back.
So, let me ask you something.
How did you know to contact us? I saw your publication, the Lone Gunman.
They have it at the lab? I came upon it when it was lining the bottom of my cage.
Anyway, looks like it's just gonna be you and me for a while.
And I got a lot of work to do, so, um Hey, I know.
Why don't I build you a tire swing.
You'd like that, huh? Jimmy, have you thought it over? Going to tell me who your friends are and where I can find them? Are you going to do the right thing for your country? I guess not, sir.
Sorry.
I gotta figure if Peanuts doesn't want to be here that's his call.
Sir, we just received an e-mail.
- It's a ransom demand for the animal.
- Ransom demand? We were able to trace their cell signal.
We know where they are.
Sir! As God is my witness, I'm gonna kill that damn chimp.
The minister's stopped for an impromptu press conference but he's still headed towards the primate habitat and Bobo.
We don't have much time.
You reading me? We're reading you, Byers.
We're inside.
Byers, how does it look out front? I don't see any chimps out here.
Bobo must be inside with you.
Remember, he's a trained killer.
There he is.
Stop! What the hell is it? I think that's a female.
- Bobo is a female? - No.
Say hello to Lady Bonkers.
She's a recent zoo acquisition donated by The Boulle Behavioral lab.
What the hell's going on here? It says here there's two chimps in this habitat this female and a male.
They're giving them some privacy, so they'll breed.
The male is Bobo.
- So where is he? - Frohike! Frohike! Frohike! Frohike! Yves, what's going on in there? Do you copy, Yves? I've got it under control, Byers.
Yves? Yves? The trade minister is almost here.
All right, comrade.
Let's dance.
What happened? Did you get Bobo? I've got him.
It's quite a picture.
I'll meet you at the rear gate.
Here comes our trade minister.
Perfect timing, Yves.
Yves? Are you sure you have the right chimp? - Yes.
Why do you ask? - Maybe it's not Bobo.
Maybe that's not a banana.
Run! Wait.
He's a killer.
Son of a I see you're awake.
Don't just stand there.
Grab a hammer and help me kill this monster.
- Relax, Frohike.
- Relax? This is Bobo.
He's a trained assassin.
You're right.
This is Bobo.
- And Bobo, God bless him, is dumber than a bag of rocks.
- What are you talking about? I'm saying we got scammed royally.
Peanuts told us a wild tale, and we fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Bobo is not an assassin? What about the plot to murder the French trade minister? There was no plot.
The man was never in danger.
- Where's Byers? - In federal custody, along with Langly and Jimmy.
Langly too? Good Lord.
- And Peanuts has disappeared.
- Well, what kind of scam is that? - I mean, what's the point of it all? - I can't figure it out.
I only know he played us beautifully right from the start.
Even when he pretended to try and steal your van.
He didn't plan on going anywhere.
His feet couldn't touch the pedals.
It was all about sucking us in.
Maybe he just wanted to make monkeys of us all.
So what do we do now? I imagine the army would be interested in a trade.
Jimmy, Langly, and Byers for Peanuts.
Except we don't have Peanuts.
And we don't know where he is.
They don't know that.
Where's my chimpanzee? You guys cool? You're really gonna give him back? Peanuts, remember me? Dr.
"Asslips"? So, then, you got your chimp.
Everybody's happy.
We'll just take our associates and go.
Nice try.
Dr.
Hasslip, don't do this.
I don't want to do this, Jimmy.
I could care less about prosecuting you five.
But I'll see you locked away forever unless I get my animal back.
What's it gonna be? Sorry.
I'm sorry, too, guys.
I can tell you where Peanuts is.
He's at the National Zoo.
Byers figured it out, and he told me.
- Jimmy, stop! - Yeah, man.
Shut up! See, Peanuts is the chimp that Byers thought was Bobo.
He's the one that tricked Byers into getting arrested.
We figure he did it on purpose, and he must still be at the zoo.
You're betraying Peanuts, Jimmy.
Why on earth are you doing this? Because he knows it's the right thing.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
What happened to his white tuft? I figured he dyed it so he could take the place of Bobo here.
Utterly amazing.
Out of the cage, Bobo.
Peanuts.
Sir? What about them? If they ever again set foot on lab property, you may shoot them with my hearty encouragement.
Otherwise, they're free to go.
You are so fired.
You big jerk! You're sending Peanuts up the river? If my hands weren't full, I'd kick your butt! Uh, that's a figure of speech.
I got asthma.
Jimmy, what are you doing? You're kidding, right? You're not kidding? You guys weren't just playing along? - Playing along? What are you talking about? - Isn't it obvious? This is Peanuts.
Or Simon, as Byers tells me.
-I'm sorry.
Come on.
It had to have been obvious from the moment you laid eyes on him.
I only saw him one time and I knew.
Hey, nice tackle, man.
Jimmy, back when you were playing football, did you wear a helmet? Bravo, Jimmy.
You've bested me at my own game.
I'm heartened that there's one amongst you whose intelligence I can truly respect.
That means the army just took Bobo.
I couldn't believe it myself.
He and Simon look completely different.
This was your plan from the start for the army to deliver you here themselves.
By convincing them you're not who you are you ensure that they'll never bother you again.
Only, how could you know Jimmy would recognize you and play along? I didn't.
Frankly, I expected one of you to confess to Hasslip in order to avoid prosecution.
I apologize for misjudging you.
But why escape to the zoo? Of all places, why here? - What? Lady Bonkers? -Well, look at her.
- She's hot.
No offense.
You said she was sent here from Boulle Laboratory.
Dr.
Hasslip thought she was a distraction for me.
Still, you can't want to live in a cage.
The whole world is a cage when you're trapped in it alone.
-I made this!