The McCarthys (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

This is my hometown.
My family members are scattered all over Boston.
My parents live here.
My sister lives here.
My brothers live here and here.
And I live way over here.
But we always seem to end up over here.
Well, remember that stomach pain that I was having? I found out what it is.
And no, Gerard, it's not God punishing me for that horrible thing I said.
Derek Jeter's kind of handsome.
Complimenting a Yankee? You also have a crush on a New York Knick, Ma? Carmelo a little, but that's beside the point.
I have to have my gallbladder removed.
I swear first the dishwasher and now this.
Why can't everything in the house work at the same time? They're gonna remove it? - Surgically? - No, Arthur, they're gonna coax it out with promises of a better life.
This isn't a big deal, is it? It's a very routine procedure.
With only the slightest chance of complications.
No, it's Oh, Sean's right.
That's weird.
I love medical stuff.
In another life, I could've been a doctor.
You? A doctor? You couldn't zip your coat till you were 11.
That's in this life.
You know, the gallbladder's a curious organ.
It's this tiny little thing that just sits there filled with bile.
Hey, kind of like Gerard.
Yeah! Could you please stop saying things like "organ" and "bile"? Oh, Gerard, you've always been so squeamish.
What happened to you? Cut myself shaving, saw the blood, fainted.
Hit my head on the counter, came to, saw the blood on the counter, fainted.
Turned on the TV, and saw a commercial for tomato juice.
Fainted.
Rough morning.
I'm not squeamish.
It's just that gross things make me want to throw up.
"Throw up.
" Anyway, I am gonna have to spend tomorrow night in the hospital.
But it's no big deal.
It's nothing to get all dramatic about.
So, this is how it ends.
We are gonna beat this thing.
We are gonna beat it with love.
Oh, Jackie.
Nobody needs this right now.
The doctor said that there is only a one in 10,000 chance that something could go wrong.
Something could go wrong? Take it easy with the drama, Gwen Patio.
He means Gwyneth Paltrow.
Either way, I'm driving you to the hospital tomorrow, Marjorie.
No you're not.
You have the big St.
Robert's game.
- Marjorie - Arthur, your team is undefeated.
You guys actually have a chance to beat them this year.
Mom's right.
We are undefeated.
Is it because of the new assistant coach? - Who can say? - I can say.
- It's not you.
- Total coincidence.
Don't listen to them, Ronny.
You've been helpful this year.
I've come to count on you.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, what if Ronny skips the game and takes me to the hospital? Done.
Seriously? Ronny, you've made a lot of progress, but you still have a ways to go.
I mean, if it was up to you, you'd be starting Bennet tomorrow.
You would start Bennet.
Who's Bennet? Bennet is a kid who hasn't gotten to play all season.
And I feel bad for him, because when I played sports, I was a bit of a Bennet.
"A bit of a Bennet"? Pass! Pass! No, I meant "pass," like "skip me.
" I don't want a turn.
Thank you.
Fine, I was a Ronny which is worse than a Bennet.
The point is I need you.
You're the only one who can take me tomorrow.
Really? The only one? All right, well, if you're gonna make me say it.
Jackie is way too dramatic.
Gerard's too squeamish to go anywhere near the hospital.
Can we please call it "the large medical complex"? And Sean Is it because the doctors would be intimidated by my vast medical knowledge? Sure.
See? You're the only one.
All right, Mom.
I'd be happy to take you.
Thank you, Ronny.
So, I guess I better get some rest for tomorrow.
Sorry, maybe that wasn't clear.
Everybody go home.
Good night.
See you.
Good luck with the, uh I want you to know no matter what, I will always treasure the precious moments that we Okay, Jackie, bye-bye.
The McCarthys S01E07 Original air date 11/12 So, tonight will be our first night apart since the kids were born.
Wait.
What about that weekend I went to the Cape with Stan Hensley? - Oh, yeah, and you guys stayed in that blue cottage?- Mm-hmm.
And you accused him of cheating at miniature golf? Exactly.
That was me, Arthur, and it was our honeymoon.
Oh, yeah.
You know, you can't just pick up your ball, and put it wherever you want.
The point is I don't want you to feel nervous about me being away.
"Nervous"? You're gonna be gone for one afternoon and a night.
Arthur, stop panicking! It's okay.
I made you a survival packet.
Now, emergency phone numbers, instructions the names and genders of all our neighbors.
So you don't call Mrs.
Corrigan "Big Guy.
" She's got a handshake like a vice grip.
Now some of the light switches are tricky.
So, as soon as it gets dark, go to bed.
Marjorie! Why do you think I can't do anything for myself? Because I live with you.
This toothpaste tastes weird.
Maybe because it's moisturizer.
Those tubes were very similar.
Now, I know you're gonna want your lucky grilled cheese sandwich before the game, but I don't want you using the stove.
So I thought you could order a cheese pizza and then you just fold the-the pieces together.
And what's this "Don't forget to hydrate"? That means drink water.
I Or other fluids.
And this is the list of other fluids.
You know what? - I don't need your packet.
- Great.
Well, now that I don't have to worry about Mr.
Self-Sufficient, I can enjoy my time at the hospital.
It'll be like a vacation.
Great.
Send me a postcard.
Oh, I will.
And when I get home, I'll read it to you, because you don't know how to bring in the mail.
- I do, too.
- Oh, really? Point in the direction of the mailbox.
I'm gonna go out and get a breath of fresh air, and when I come back, I'm gonna answer that question.
So, he yells, "Marjorie, come outside.
I found the mailbox.
" Well, it wasn't the mailbox.
You know what it was.
It was the Corrigans' birdhouse.
He will not survive the night.
Well, that story loses nothing in its third telling.
Who are you calling? Dad.
I want to let him know you're about to go under.
Hello? Hi, Dad.
I'm with Mom.
She's about to go into surgery, and everything is fine.
Good.
Tell her I know it's gonna go great.
And that I'm doing great, too.
Making my grilled cheese as we speak.
Okay.
Bye, Dad.
And go team! No? You hung up? Okay.
He's doing great without me? He's making a sandwich? Are we in that other life where Sean is a doctor? Maybe Dad is more capable than you think.
Gerard, I need help.
I think I broke my ankle making a grilled cheese.
Well, it's not broken, but it's a pretty severe sprain.
Two of the ligaments on the outside of the ankle have been stretched.
But you're lucky they didn't tear.
He's right, Gerard.
Sometimes they can just rip right off the bone.
Sean, please just let the doctor speak.
And, Doctor, that's enough out of you.
Dad, are you okay? I'm fine.
So, I'm not sure if I got all the details.
You were home, and the grilled cheese broke in and attacked you? Hey, it's a tricky sandwich.
So, Ma's still in surgery? Yeah.
They gave you an I.
V.
for a sprained ankle? Yeah, as it turns out, I was also dehydrated.
Wait.
You're already dehydrated? Mom has only been gone for half a day.
I run dry, Ronny.
What about the game? I mean, it starts in an hour.
Yeah, they're keeping me here.
There's no way I can make it.
You're gonna have to coach without me.
Really? So, I'm gonna be head coach? I'm so excited! I'm so nervous.
Don't be nervous, Ronny.
Thanks, Dad.
'Cause you're gonna lose.
What? Do you know something I don't know? I know everything you don't know.
That's why you're gonna lose.
But we can afford one loss.
Silver lining? You can play Bennet if you want.
You know what, Dad? I will play Bennet.
And he might rise to the occasion.
If he shows up.
There's a potential conflict with Model UN.
Hey, we'd help you with this game if we didn't coach a rival team.
Yeah, but seeing as we do, in addition to starting Bennet, maybe give yourself some playing time.
Yeah, that's hilarious.
Hey, Gerard blood clot.
Ah, geez! Okay, you guys hang out here.
When Mom wakes up, you tell her I had to go coach for Dad.
And for Bennet.
And for America! Wait.
No, that's good.
No.
They can't tell her you're coaching for me.
- She can't know I'm here.
- Why not? Because she thinks I can't take care of myself.
So you got dehydrated.
It's not like remembering to drink is something that all humans, animals and plants do.
I'm serious, Ronny.
I want you all to promise me that you won't tell her I'm in here.
- Okay.
- You got it.
But what are we gonna tell Ma when she wakes up? You guys figure it out.
I got a game to win.
And I got a coin to flip and land on its side while I'm riding a unicorn.
That would never happen.
A guy riding a unicorn would never stop to flip a coin.
He'd be like, "Hey, I'm riding a magical beast.
Let's see how this plays out.
" You know the key to effective lying? Lots and lots of details.
Why are you telling me this? 'Cause we're gonna have to lie to Ma about why Ronny's not here.
Sean, she just had surgery.
She's probably not even going to be focused on Where's Ronny? Oh, uh, hi, Ma.
Um, Ronny went to go get you a book, but he called, and he said he's stuck in traffic.
Further details include they closed the road 'cause a midsize SUV struck a utility pole on Huntington Avenue.
The driver was a 42-year-old male named Larry Pike.
Mm, poor Ronny.
Damn you, Larry Pike.
Larry Pike.
Larry Pike.
I can't stay mad at you.
I think she bought it.
Must be the drugs she's on.
Or my details.
Regis Philbin is a spy.
Shh I don't think it's the details.
Kelly Ripa's cool, though.
Thank you for sharing, Chris.
And I am thankful for all of you.
Wasn't this fun? Now, for our starters, we're gonna go with Darryl, Kyle, James, Nate and Bennet.
Um, you accidentally said my name.
No accident, Bennet.
Now, get out there, show 'em what you got.
Come on.
W What do I got? Let's find out.
Oh, boy.
And in a real head-scratcher of a move, the Saints are starting Bennet Mason at point guard.
Bennet hasn't seen a single minute of playing time all season, due to the fact that he's not a good player.
Well, one thing you can say about Bennet- he was my lab partner in Biology.
Thank you, Jared.
How's your mother? She's fine the drugs are wearing off, so she finally stopped asking the nurse when the plane was gonna land.
I'm gonna miss being the air marshal.
And the flight attendant.
And the pilot.
He would not play.
Anyways, she thinks you're at the game, so you're all good.
Oh, it's her.
- What do I do? - Don't answer it.
I don't know how to do that.
Hello? She thinks you're at the game.
Arthur speaking, from the game.
Arthur, this might be the medication talking- earlier I was questioning Regis Philbin's loyalty to our country and praising Kelly Ripa a little too much- but I learned something today, and I never thought that I would say this, but you have displayed minimal competence.
Ah, you don't have to say that.
No, I do, and I'm sorry I insulted you with that packet.
I mean, instructions on how to make a sandwich? Only an idiot would need those.
Water under the bridge.
Well, okay, I don't want to keep you.
I know you're in the middle of the game.
It's awful quite at the game.
Half time.
Moment of silence.
Somebody died.
Okay, I should get off the phone now.
Uh, getting some dirty looks.
Bye, Marjorie.
Oh.
'Kay.
Nice work, Dad.
Very nice.
Lots of details.
If she asks, tell her the deceased was named Larry Pike.
It works, 'cause he was in an accident she heard about.
WOMAN: Mr.
McCarthy.
If you sign these, we can release you now.
Ah, great.
I'll be gone before your mom even knows I was here.
All right, you two can wheel him down the hallway, and then take the elevator down to the lobby.
Oh, we're gonna have to go by Ma's room.
Is there another way out of here? Well, there is but with a sprained ankle and dehydration, let's just hope it doesn't end up that way.
Thanks.
Best "my dad might die" joke I've ever heard.
Okay, you go distract Ma so she doesn't see Dad when we go by.
This is so exciting, all this sneaking around.
I feel like Regis Philbin.
Ma, what are you doing? Well, the nurse told me to get up on my feet and walk a little, so I've got big plans - I'm going to the lobby.
Oh, no medically speaking, that's the worst thing you could do.
What are you talking about? Remember Larry Pike? From the accident? No.
Well, he's real.
When they brought him to the hospital for his injuries and such, they saved his life, but then the nurse told old Larry to take a walk down to the lobby.
Two minutes later, dead.
Cause of death walking to the lobby.
Sean, if you find pills laying around the hospital, you can't just take them.
Now, move.
Ugh, get a hat, buddy.
Hurry up.
I'm trying.
Sean, the elevator is that way.
Let's get a bone saw to the O.
R.
We need to get this guy's chest open.
Go on without me.
Oh, my God.
Gerard, are you all right? Yeah, just chillin'.
Arthur? No.
Arthur's at the game.
So, you almost broke your ankle, and you forgot to drink.
What else, Arthur? What did you call Mrs.
Corrigan? Buddy? Chief? Slugger.
It's a buzz cut, Marjorie.
She looks like Mickey Mantle.
Oh, my God.
You survived, and you got to keep your foot.
Our rock is here.
Whew, traffic, traffic, traffic.
The line at the book store, and Dad is here.
Would it kill someone to shoot me a text? She knows everything.
Oh.
Well, does she know that we beat St.
Robert's? - What? Really? - Way to go.
We haven't beat those guys in six years.
How the hell did that happen? Substitution! The game hasn't started yet.
I know, but I need to get that kid off the court.
Like, now.
Bennet, back on the bench! Thank you, sir.
Did you see that? I started, bitches.
Something just snapped.
In that moment, I didn't care about Bennet, or who had the gratitude feather.
I just needed to win.
But even with all your starters, how'd you do it? Well, I remembered how Dad had the team do a full-court press at the end of the Hyde Park game, and it seemed to work.
So, I just did that for the whole game.
Ronny.
Teams only do that for, like, a minute at a time.
People can't handle that much running.
Geez, you sound like their parents.
"Boo, Hoo.
"Nate's tired, "James just threw up, Kyle can't unbend his legs.
" What a bunch of drama queens.
You've changed, Ronny.
I like it.
Maybe next game, we only press a little.
Yeah, let me know how that goes, and then call me when you want to win.
Come on, Dad, let's get you home.
Yeah, and Mom can get some rest.
I need a minute with your mother.
You got it.
Let's go, Bobby Knight.
I'm guessing that's the name of an aggressive coach? Nice, Ronny.
I used context clues.
I just want to say, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was in the hospital.
It's okay, I know why you didn't.
That packet made you feel really stupid.
Clearly, I could have used it.
You know what I realized, Arthur? I wasn't worried about tonight or today.
I was worried about- what if something really went wrong? What if I ended up like Larry Pike? Who's that? I don't know.
But he's dead and what if that happened to me? I would just want to make sure that you were taken care of.
Oh, Marjorie.
God forbid, if anything ever happened to you, I'd need much more than a packet.
Well, a packet is all you're gonna get.
You're not allowed to remarry.
However, I would make an exception for Mrs.
Corrigan.
I'd feel safe in those beefy arms.
Dad, you ready? You know what, you guys go on ahead.
I'm gonna stay here with my wife.
I can't.
I gotta You really want to stay here with me? Eh, we don't need a night apart.
How about I take care of you for a change, huh? Thank you.
That'd be really nice.
You want to watch some TV? Mm-hmm.
A remote is the one thing I know how to operate myself.
Arthur, don't.
Oh, God!