The Mighty Boosh (2003) s01e07 Episode Script
Electro
Hi.
Welcome to the show.
l'm Howard Moon and this is Vince Noir.
Hello.
Sorry.
This week we're gonna be tackling the subject of fame.
When Lady Fame comes a-knocking on your door you gotta be quick to open that door because if you don't, she's away.
- As if.
- She only knocks once.
She does not.
She knocks at my house all the time.
She's on the doorstep.
l go to Tesco's, she's hanging onto my cords.
That's not Lady Fame, is it? That's Mrs Pelham.
She talks to mushrooms.
- lt's not, it's Lady Fame.
- Lady Fame wouldn't shop at Tesco's.
- She'd shop at Marks if anything.
- She goes to Marks for her bits.
She doesn't do her main shop there.
No one does.
- We should talk about this another time.
- OK.
See you later, Colonel Eagle.
See you later, chewy teeth.
Enjoy the show.
.
.
to the world of The Mighty Boosh.
Come with us to The Mighty Boosh The Mighty Boosh Come with us to The Mighty Boosh (# Jazz trumpet) Hey, Howard.
Howard.
Oi, small eyes.
He's in a trance, a jazz trance.
Every day he does this.
lt's a pretty delicate procedure getting him out.
Ah! Oh.
- Don't do that.
Ever.
- Why? - Never do that to a man in a jazz trance.
- Why? l could have a heart attack.
lt's like sleepwalking.
l was deep in the juju.
Why don't you try doing some work? l'm going to get round to my work.
This is my early morning procedure.
Listen to my jazz, get juiced up, go about my business.
No, you put your jazz on, go into a trance, ten past six, come out of the trance, go to the pub.
Have you got anything you could be doing? Distributing seeds? l'm onto it because l started my day with this.
Check this out.
(# Human League: Don't You Want Me) That is just making me feel physically sick.
What is that gloomy racket? - The Human League.
- That is electro nonsense.
They're pioneers, they invented music.
- What happened before them? - lt was just tuning up before then.
Are you aware of the music known as jazz? - Aware of jazz, the movement of jazz? - Why do you keep going on about jazz? lt's the most important modern art form.
Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all jazz is for.
You better take that back, you electro ponce.
- Or what? - Just take it back, that's all.
l won't.
l'll be leaving it out there for all to see.
- Drink it back up.
- No.
l hate jazz.
You hate jazz? You fear jazz.
Huh? - Shut your mouth.
- You fear jazz, you fear the lack of rules.
- No.
- The lack of boundaries.
Oooh.
lt's a fence, no, it's soft.
What's happening? The shapes, the chaos.
- lt has to be simple for you, doesn't it? - Stop it.
- # Dee dee dee dee-dee # - Shut your mouth.
The melody gets abstract, you mess your trousers.
- Shut your mouth.
- Dee-bop, shweebop Don't start scatting.
We don't need scat at this point.
- (# Scats) - Stop scatting.
Scu-da-do-bop-a-dee-dah! - Final warning.
- Skwidlly-bee-bee The thing about scat singing is it's an ancient art, goes back as far as the Chinese dynasty.
Hey, Howard.
There's some girls.
- Yes.
Right.
- l'll deal with this.
l'll deal with it.
Step back and watch the master weave his magic.
Ladies.
Hi.
Welcome to the zoo.
l'm Howard Moon, the zoo keeper.
l hope you're enjoying your visit and enjoying the animals on display.
There's many to feast your eyes on.
There's the goats who are on heat at the moment.
Um And there's others, too.
Later on there will be an aquatic display at 3:30 and 5:30.
l'll be, myself, participating in that as a porpoise jockey in the porpoise derby.
Don't know if you've ever seen a man ride a porpoise, but it can be thrilling.
Quite a thrilling sight for a young lady to see.
Hi.
Nice hair.
Cheers.
Are you in a band? Yeah.
Kraftwerk Orange.
l'm a musician, too.
l play a lot of music, jazz musician mainly.
l'm a fully qualified scat singer.
We don't do jazz.
We do electro.
Electro's good.
l enjoy the music of the Human League.
Very much like them.
Big-time fan.
l can play any instrument at all.
You name it, l'm a multi-instrumentalist.
lf we need a bassoon player, we'll let you know.
(Laughing) Huh? l can play bassoon, that's the irony of that.
Howard Moon, get your ass to the jackal hut.
- Do that for me.
- Why? - Because l'm getting on well.
- Getting on well? And don't get Vince to go instead of you.
Well, l gotta scoot, so don't forget to check out those aquatic displays at 3:30 and again at 5:30.
Who's that jazz creep? He's just the local simpleton.
You know, l know his mum.
He comes around, does odd jobs.
We give him a uniform, he's happy.
Are you in a band? Yeah, l'm in a couple of bands.
- That's a shame.
- What? We want someone to join our band.
l mean, the bands l'm in, l've sort of left them recently.
Today, earlier on.
- Can you sing? - l'm one of the great front men.
- l can pull shapes.
- Why do you work in a zoo, then? All the great front men work with animals.
Jagger worked in a pet shop.
Rod Stewart worked in a tortoise sanctuary.
Billy Ocean worked in an aquarium.
That's how he got his name.
(Laughs) That was a joke.
So what do you reckon, then? - Am l in? - Yeah.
OK.
- We'll give you a shot.
- Cool.
l'm Vince by the way.
- l'm Neon.
- Ultra.
Laters.
Laters.
On.
- Where are those girls? - They've gone.
- Gone? - You just missed them.
l was getting a definite vibe off those girls.
lt wasn't you they were interested in.
l think it was.
l was getting some of the magic off them.
lt wasn't you they were interested in.
They've asked me to be in their band.
l can't believe it.
- You? - Yeah.
You're the least musical person l know.
lt's not about music, it's about what you look like.
- You should be careful.
- Why? You know what happened last time.
You got excited about that band with Leroy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That glam folk band.
People weren't ready - for a mixture of glam rock and folk.
- Nobody's ready for that.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme Remember me to the one who lives there She once was a true love of mine People! Gonna have ourselves a hot dog! Come on! lt's going to be different this time, l can feel it.
You should be more loyal to the zoo, - that's what l'm saying.
- Why? Don't go running off at the drop of a hat.
- Like little Fickle Bobby.
- Fickle Bobby? Ran off into the sunset.
- l don't do that.
- Yeah, you do.
Running away when you see a shiny object.
Be loyal to the zoo, like me.
When l get an offer, l turn it down flat, l reject it out of hand.
- Really? As if you get any offers.
- l get offers.
- Who from? - l get plenty offers.
- Who from? Walt Disney? - Walt offers me stuff.
Many times Walt's said, ''Will you help me out?'' - He came round last week.
- Did he? - Strange that he should choose you.
- Not strange.
- He knows l've an eye for detail.
- What does he want you to do? Sort out his pot pens.
Put them in a workable order from hot reds down through the lilacs, - then beyond to the ultramarine.
- Really? - l bet that took ages.
Walt's got millions.
- lt didn't take long because l didn't do it.
- Why not? - l turned it down.
- You idiot.
- Out of a sense of duty.
- You don't want to anger Walt.
- Why? - He's offering you stuff.
- l can turn down Walt.
l don't have a problem with that, you know.
Because l'm loyal.
l understand what you're saying, but l feel torn.
On the one hand l've got the zoo, l love the zoo.
On the other hand l've got stardom pulling me.
l don't know what to do.
l wish l was you, it must be easy for you.
You can't really do anything else.
- How dare you? - What? - l had a career in music beckoning me.
- Did you? - l could have been something.
- Really? - l turned it down.
- When was that? ln the '50s? How old do you think l am? Do you look at me and see Gandalf the hoary, old wizard? - No.
- Yeah.
l was a jazz musician, you know.
And l could have been one of the greats, but something happened.
- What happened? - Something you don't need to know.
- Oh, right.
- Something that nobody needs to know.
Look.
So you blew your chance.
But that's not gonna happen to me.
- Cos l'm going all the way.
- Are you? Yeah.
So brace yourself.
Noir's going to the moon.
Ahthe arrogance of youth.
Hm? Go on, then.
What you looking at? Hey, Howard.
Check this out.
(# Electro ) What do you reckon? Awful.
That's my new demo.
We're playing that tonight.
- lt's good.
- You said it was awful.
- Well, it's grown on me now.
- (Sighs) This is a big opportunity for me.
l could be out of here.
American tour, the lot.
- Just slow down, Vince.
- Why? - lt's going too fast.
- Rock and roll is fast.
lf all goes to plan, l could be in rehab next Thursday.
Tuesday week, l'll be living on an island with a small lndian boy.
Whoa there, OK? Relax.
Take your foot off the pedal.
- Why? - Slow down.
- You want fame, yeah? You want it bad.
- So what? lt's burning you up inside.
Like a fire.
ln your throat.
- So what? - l used to have that fire.
- Here we go.
- Burning away.
Deep inside me.
l wanted fame, Vince.
l had it as well.
l was a musical genius.
You haven't picked up an instrument.
l've never seen you - There's a reason for that, OK? lt's time for me to tell you the story.
- (Sighs) ls this gonna take long? - This story will chill you to the bone.
lt's gonna turn your heart black with fear.
lt all happened what seems like a lifetime ago now.
Flashback.
(# Scats) (Squeaky voice) Git yourself outta here, Howard.
Don't you have a home? - This is a jazz club, yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, well, wherever jazz is, l is.
Bebop's my home.
l thought you lived on Northbrook Street, near Budgens.
Yeah, it's a metaphor.
You been here the past three nights.
What are you hangin' around here for? Something wrong with your voice? (Clears throat) (Squeaky voice) What are you hangin' around here for? Gonna be a jazz musician.
(Laughs) Something funny? Yeah.
You know, there are those who got it and those who ain't.
l'm gonna get it, OK? No, you ain't.
You know why? Because you ain't got the spirit of jazz inside you.
Well, l've got a dream inside of me.
How's that for you? Howard, there's a job opening here as a barrel monkey with your name on it.
l suggest you take it.
A barrel monkey? l'm Howard Moon.
- ls that a yes? - lt's a thank you, no.
Suit yourself.
Here are the keys.
Lock up when you're done.
Good luck, fool.
(Blows ineffectually) Well, well.
What have we got here? Hey there, little fella.
Mmm.
Little piece of chicken.
What's happening, boy? - Who are you? - l is the spirit of jazz.
- What do you want? - Oh, you in turmoil.
What's wrong? You tell Uncle Mario what's wrong.
l want to be the greatest jazz player in Yorkshire.
Yorkshire.
What is Yorkshire? Yorkshire is a place.
Yorkshire is a state of mind.
Yorkshire, New Orleans, it's all the same to me, baby.
Yeah.
Baby, l'll make you famous.
You wanna be famous? - Yeah.
- Wanna be on the wall? Look at this guy.
Blind Bonnie Shortbread.
Huh? What a player.
l seen him play with my own eyes.
The man was a genius.
What about this guy? Hot Wee Wee Jefferson.
The Cystitis Kid.
Man, when he was playing, both pipes was on fire.
l can make you like that.
You wanna be on the wall, Howard Moon? - How do you know my name? - lt's on your trumpet case, asshole.
Oh, yeah.
So what do we do, then? Well, maybe l'll make you famous.
Maybe l'll do all l say.
But maybe you gots to do something for me.
- l gots needs too, you know.
- What? Never mind the itty-bitty details, just sign here, baby.
Sign here.
ln blood? Biro's fine.
What's this stuff about ownership of the soul? (Laughs) Yous is mine, boy.
You signed right here.
You signed your soul away.
Yeah, l own you, baby.
Every time you pick up an instrument, l'll be there, inside you, wearing you like a glove.
Your sweet ass is mine.
Check it, check it out.
Ow! Ow! Man, my hat's on fire! What's wrong with you? Are you blind? Why didn't you tell me? Sorry, l thought that was your look.
No, it ain't my look.
lt's a brand-new hat.
Spoilt my exit now.
Trying to do you a favour.
That ain't no door back there.
lt's a toilet.
And then that next evening, you'll never believe what happened.
When l lifted that trumpet to my mouth and blew that first note, something incredible happened, Vince.
Something that Oi! - Are you listening to me? - No, l'm not.
- l'm telling you a story.
- So what? - lnformation that might help you.
- Not interested.
- Not interested? - No, l'm a rock star now.
Whoa, big man.
Yeah? Well, you've changed.
- So what? - You used to be a zoo keeper.
- What about the zoo? - (Bleep) the zoo.
- What did you say? - l said, ''(Bleep) the zoo.
'' l can't believe you're saying that.
What about the animals? (Bleep) the animals.
They're all a bunch of (Bleep).
- You wanted to help the animals.
- l want to help them all to die.
(# Electro pop) Wait a second.
Are you going to be wearing those hats tonight? - Yeah.
Why? - lt's just that l'm the front man and l'm trying to create some stuff out here, pull some shapes, and they're creeping into my line of vision, sort of bobbing in, so if you could just take them off.
Do you know who l am? Where did you get this chump from, huh? l'm Johnny Two Hats.
Why do you think they call me that? - ls it because you've got two hats on? - Bingo.
Hello.
We've got a gig tonight, remember? OK.
One, two, three, four.
Sorry.
Um What if someone starts wearing three hats? - You've seen someone wearing three? - No.
Of course you haven't.
You haven't even seen anyone with two hats yet.
Know why no one's ever worn two hats? - Why? - Because it looks freakish.
You look like an absolute idiot.
Just stop dissing the hats.
- You're making me cross, Vince.
- All right.
Next time, girls, will you consult me before you employ some bozo on front vox? - Sorry, Johnny.
- Johnny what? - Johnny Two Hats.
- Thank you.
Two, three, four.
So what are we gonna do now Johnny's left? Well, who cares about Johnny? What was he bringing to the band, anyway? - Other than the extra hat? - He wrote all the music.
- Played the synth bass.
- Programmed the drums.
- Ran the website.
- He came up with this.
Yeah, that is pretty good.
Look, l'll get someone else.
Well, you've got three hours.
All right, that's ages, it will be fine.
Cool your boots.
There's some important people coming tonight, the head of Pieface Records is gonna be there.
- l'll get someone.
- They've got to be cool.
l only know cool people.
Yeah, whatever.
You've got three hours.
lf you don't come up with someone, we'll stab you up.
You rock ponce! - Hi, ladies.
Just ridden a porpoise.
- Yeah? Ring-a-ding-ding.
Yeah.
Maybe catch you later, yeah? All right, Howard? All right.
Sorry about earlier.
l behaved like a tit.
l was having problems coping with the stardom.
You've only been in the band since 10:30 this morning.
- Yeah, but the lifestyle, the drugs.
- What drugs? Well, you know, the coffees.
l've had three lattes and an Americano.
l'm blazing.
How did it go with you and the porpoise race? - Came last.
- What, again? - Who won? - Tony.
- What? Blind Tony? - Yeah.
He's using sonar or something.
How's it going with you and your pop band? All right.
Having a bit of trouble with the keyboard player, Johnny Two Hats.
- What is it? Mood swings? - He's left the band.
That's a pretty big mood swing.
He swung right out of the band.
You know what musicians are like, pretty temperamental.
- l do know.
Oh, yeah.
- l heard you were pretty good.
You heard right.
l was one of the best.
- l heard you could play any instrument.
- l was a multi-instrumentalist.
Play anything.
Trumpet, guitar, kazoo, bassoon.
You name it.
- Keyboard.
- Yeah.
Grade 1 7.
- ls that good or bad? - Let's say grade ten is a musical genius.
Hmm.
Seven off.
l could probably work with that.
Hey, Howard.
Do you think you could do me a favour? l'm not doing it.
Oh, come on.
lt will be amazing.
lt will be genius.
Me and you, fame, stardom.
No, l can't.
l just can't do it, Vince.
- What about the girls? They're into you.
- Are they? - They say you're an eccentric character.
- Eccentric character.
There's two of them, two of us.
lt will be like the indie ABBA.
lt'll be perfect.
l can't Vince, l just can't do it.
Even if l could, l haven't got the right look.
My hair's not right.
l've already thought about this.
Leave it to me.
Check this out.
l've never shown anyone this.
lf you do this gig for me, l'll give you unlimited access to these babies.
( # Heavenly choir) - What are those? - They're my offcuts.
My old hair.
Huh? Glue them on.
Redesign your hair.
Have fun with it.
l appreciate the gesture, but no.
- lt seems like a lot.
lt's fine, honestly.
- No, it's not that.
l can't do the gig.
- You know why.
- Why not? Because of that stupid story? - Yeah.
- l don't believe you.
Vince, when l play, bad things happen.
Just forget it.
l'll get someone else.
- Vince, that's not it.
- Yeah, whatever.
This is bullshit.
Bollo, you've gotta help me.
l need a guitarist for tonight's gig.
- Can you play guitar? - Yes.
l play just like Hendrix.
Yes.
Brilliant.
Great.
There you go.
What are you doing? What was that? Woodstock '69.
(# Accomplished jazz) Well, well, if it ain't the comeback kid.
What are you doing here? (Sniffs) Mmm.
l think you've been playing again, boy.
l'm not playing.
Oh, yous is playing, boy.
And now it's time for me to get inside of you again.
l don't want that.
Please, l can't have that.
Oh, yeah, baby, l'm coming inside.
Stop saying that.
lt sounds weird.
Weird? How so? We had an agreement.
But l don't want anything to do with that now.
Come on, baby.
You wanna feel the warmth of me deep inside you, don't you? - l certainly do not.
- l've been inside all the greats.
l've been inside Charlie Parker, l've been inside Miles Davis, l even got inside Steve Davis.
Though that was an accident.
But anyway, don't deny me my role, l'm going to creep inside you like a warm kitten.
- Just leave me alone.
- We made such sweet music together, Don't you remember those days? We were jazz pioneers.
Pioneers? What you made me do was embarrassing.
l don't want anything more to do with you.
l do not believe that boy's giving me the credence l deserve.
What are you looking at? l don't know.
l mean, l l want to help Vince, l really do, l'm just, l can't Can't or won't? Can't.
- l thought you were a team.
- We were We are a team.
OK? lt's just that when l play an instrument, the spirit of jazz gets inside me and when that happens, it isn't pretty.
lt makes me do stuff.
- What, like shopping? - Shopping? No.
Things l'd rather not talk about, Naboo.
There may be a way.
Play this.
Play this? Are you high? Yeah.
l explained to you, when l play an instrument - Play.
Just play it.
(# Flurry of notes) l knew you couldn't resist me, boy.
Time for me to get inside you again.
- Oh, dear.
- l'm gonna wear you like a glove.
- Who the hell is this asshole? - l'm Naboo, that's who.
Get in my Hoover bag, you boo.
(Groans) - Now run like the wind.
- Thanks, Naboo.
Sort your hair out, it's an '80s band.
Listen, bitch, have you got anyone? - Um - You better have.
Cos the head of Pieface Records is here to see us.
- Do we actually need anyone? - What? Well, Johnny Twp Hats, what did he do? Play keyboard.
How hard can it be? l mean, it's just this, innit? Have you got anyone or not? Ladies.
Howard.
Hi.
No way.
Not that simpleton.
- He's a musical genius.
- He better be.
He looks like a paedophile.
l'm so glad you could make it.
Maybe after the gig we could have a drink, have a chat about stuff.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, why not? - Er Who are you? - l'm Vince.
l'm in Kraftwerk Orange.
- You are the head of Pieface Records? - No.
No, l'm Marcus Hoffman.
l design speedboats.
- Sorry l thought you were someone else.
- Listen.
A few of us get together at weekends, listen to reggae.
Maybe you want to come and hang out with us? Get lost, creepy crust.
lf l can just turn this thing on.
Yeah.
Now l'm coming for you, Howard Moon.
Hoover or not, l'm a-coming for you.
Driving along on the plastic dream Heart beats fast like a tiny machine l am electro boy l am electro girl Sailing along on a Perspex sea Crystal moccasins, bionic cheese l am electro boy l am electro girl Mmm, he's close, l can smell him.
l can smell the notes.
Riding along on a plastic dream Heart beats fast like a tiny machine l am electro boy l am electro girl Sailing along on a Perspex sea Crystal moccasins, bionic cheese l am electro boy l am electro girl - (Spirit) Get the hell out of my way, lady.
- Agh! We're gonna have ourselves some hot jazz.
(# Complex jazz improvisation) Oh, well, l'm sorry about last night.
l got a bit carried away and the jazz got in me and l had a jazz attack.
The whole night was a shambles.
l can't believe those electro girls, they stabbed everyone up.
Anyway, l've been thinking, l don't think it's for me, the rock-and-roll lifestyle.
- Don't worry, l'll make it up to you.
- Yeah? l've got something lined up for us.
Check this out.
(# Heavenly choir) Wow.
Let's sort these pens out for Uncle Walt.
Feels as though nobody cares lf l lives or dies So l might as well begin to put some action in my life Breaking the law, breaking the law
Welcome to the show.
l'm Howard Moon and this is Vince Noir.
Hello.
Sorry.
This week we're gonna be tackling the subject of fame.
When Lady Fame comes a-knocking on your door you gotta be quick to open that door because if you don't, she's away.
- As if.
- She only knocks once.
She does not.
She knocks at my house all the time.
She's on the doorstep.
l go to Tesco's, she's hanging onto my cords.
That's not Lady Fame, is it? That's Mrs Pelham.
She talks to mushrooms.
- lt's not, it's Lady Fame.
- Lady Fame wouldn't shop at Tesco's.
- She'd shop at Marks if anything.
- She goes to Marks for her bits.
She doesn't do her main shop there.
No one does.
- We should talk about this another time.
- OK.
See you later, Colonel Eagle.
See you later, chewy teeth.
Enjoy the show.
.
.
to the world of The Mighty Boosh.
Come with us to The Mighty Boosh The Mighty Boosh Come with us to The Mighty Boosh (# Jazz trumpet) Hey, Howard.
Howard.
Oi, small eyes.
He's in a trance, a jazz trance.
Every day he does this.
lt's a pretty delicate procedure getting him out.
Ah! Oh.
- Don't do that.
Ever.
- Why? - Never do that to a man in a jazz trance.
- Why? l could have a heart attack.
lt's like sleepwalking.
l was deep in the juju.
Why don't you try doing some work? l'm going to get round to my work.
This is my early morning procedure.
Listen to my jazz, get juiced up, go about my business.
No, you put your jazz on, go into a trance, ten past six, come out of the trance, go to the pub.
Have you got anything you could be doing? Distributing seeds? l'm onto it because l started my day with this.
Check this out.
(# Human League: Don't You Want Me) That is just making me feel physically sick.
What is that gloomy racket? - The Human League.
- That is electro nonsense.
They're pioneers, they invented music.
- What happened before them? - lt was just tuning up before then.
Are you aware of the music known as jazz? - Aware of jazz, the movement of jazz? - Why do you keep going on about jazz? lt's the most important modern art form.
Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all jazz is for.
You better take that back, you electro ponce.
- Or what? - Just take it back, that's all.
l won't.
l'll be leaving it out there for all to see.
- Drink it back up.
- No.
l hate jazz.
You hate jazz? You fear jazz.
Huh? - Shut your mouth.
- You fear jazz, you fear the lack of rules.
- No.
- The lack of boundaries.
Oooh.
lt's a fence, no, it's soft.
What's happening? The shapes, the chaos.
- lt has to be simple for you, doesn't it? - Stop it.
- # Dee dee dee dee-dee # - Shut your mouth.
The melody gets abstract, you mess your trousers.
- Shut your mouth.
- Dee-bop, shweebop Don't start scatting.
We don't need scat at this point.
- (# Scats) - Stop scatting.
Scu-da-do-bop-a-dee-dah! - Final warning.
- Skwidlly-bee-bee The thing about scat singing is it's an ancient art, goes back as far as the Chinese dynasty.
Hey, Howard.
There's some girls.
- Yes.
Right.
- l'll deal with this.
l'll deal with it.
Step back and watch the master weave his magic.
Ladies.
Hi.
Welcome to the zoo.
l'm Howard Moon, the zoo keeper.
l hope you're enjoying your visit and enjoying the animals on display.
There's many to feast your eyes on.
There's the goats who are on heat at the moment.
Um And there's others, too.
Later on there will be an aquatic display at 3:30 and 5:30.
l'll be, myself, participating in that as a porpoise jockey in the porpoise derby.
Don't know if you've ever seen a man ride a porpoise, but it can be thrilling.
Quite a thrilling sight for a young lady to see.
Hi.
Nice hair.
Cheers.
Are you in a band? Yeah.
Kraftwerk Orange.
l'm a musician, too.
l play a lot of music, jazz musician mainly.
l'm a fully qualified scat singer.
We don't do jazz.
We do electro.
Electro's good.
l enjoy the music of the Human League.
Very much like them.
Big-time fan.
l can play any instrument at all.
You name it, l'm a multi-instrumentalist.
lf we need a bassoon player, we'll let you know.
(Laughing) Huh? l can play bassoon, that's the irony of that.
Howard Moon, get your ass to the jackal hut.
- Do that for me.
- Why? - Because l'm getting on well.
- Getting on well? And don't get Vince to go instead of you.
Well, l gotta scoot, so don't forget to check out those aquatic displays at 3:30 and again at 5:30.
Who's that jazz creep? He's just the local simpleton.
You know, l know his mum.
He comes around, does odd jobs.
We give him a uniform, he's happy.
Are you in a band? Yeah, l'm in a couple of bands.
- That's a shame.
- What? We want someone to join our band.
l mean, the bands l'm in, l've sort of left them recently.
Today, earlier on.
- Can you sing? - l'm one of the great front men.
- l can pull shapes.
- Why do you work in a zoo, then? All the great front men work with animals.
Jagger worked in a pet shop.
Rod Stewart worked in a tortoise sanctuary.
Billy Ocean worked in an aquarium.
That's how he got his name.
(Laughs) That was a joke.
So what do you reckon, then? - Am l in? - Yeah.
OK.
- We'll give you a shot.
- Cool.
l'm Vince by the way.
- l'm Neon.
- Ultra.
Laters.
Laters.
On.
- Where are those girls? - They've gone.
- Gone? - You just missed them.
l was getting a definite vibe off those girls.
lt wasn't you they were interested in.
l think it was.
l was getting some of the magic off them.
lt wasn't you they were interested in.
They've asked me to be in their band.
l can't believe it.
- You? - Yeah.
You're the least musical person l know.
lt's not about music, it's about what you look like.
- You should be careful.
- Why? You know what happened last time.
You got excited about that band with Leroy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That glam folk band.
People weren't ready - for a mixture of glam rock and folk.
- Nobody's ready for that.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme Remember me to the one who lives there She once was a true love of mine People! Gonna have ourselves a hot dog! Come on! lt's going to be different this time, l can feel it.
You should be more loyal to the zoo, - that's what l'm saying.
- Why? Don't go running off at the drop of a hat.
- Like little Fickle Bobby.
- Fickle Bobby? Ran off into the sunset.
- l don't do that.
- Yeah, you do.
Running away when you see a shiny object.
Be loyal to the zoo, like me.
When l get an offer, l turn it down flat, l reject it out of hand.
- Really? As if you get any offers.
- l get offers.
- Who from? - l get plenty offers.
- Who from? Walt Disney? - Walt offers me stuff.
Many times Walt's said, ''Will you help me out?'' - He came round last week.
- Did he? - Strange that he should choose you.
- Not strange.
- He knows l've an eye for detail.
- What does he want you to do? Sort out his pot pens.
Put them in a workable order from hot reds down through the lilacs, - then beyond to the ultramarine.
- Really? - l bet that took ages.
Walt's got millions.
- lt didn't take long because l didn't do it.
- Why not? - l turned it down.
- You idiot.
- Out of a sense of duty.
- You don't want to anger Walt.
- Why? - He's offering you stuff.
- l can turn down Walt.
l don't have a problem with that, you know.
Because l'm loyal.
l understand what you're saying, but l feel torn.
On the one hand l've got the zoo, l love the zoo.
On the other hand l've got stardom pulling me.
l don't know what to do.
l wish l was you, it must be easy for you.
You can't really do anything else.
- How dare you? - What? - l had a career in music beckoning me.
- Did you? - l could have been something.
- Really? - l turned it down.
- When was that? ln the '50s? How old do you think l am? Do you look at me and see Gandalf the hoary, old wizard? - No.
- Yeah.
l was a jazz musician, you know.
And l could have been one of the greats, but something happened.
- What happened? - Something you don't need to know.
- Oh, right.
- Something that nobody needs to know.
Look.
So you blew your chance.
But that's not gonna happen to me.
- Cos l'm going all the way.
- Are you? Yeah.
So brace yourself.
Noir's going to the moon.
Ahthe arrogance of youth.
Hm? Go on, then.
What you looking at? Hey, Howard.
Check this out.
(# Electro ) What do you reckon? Awful.
That's my new demo.
We're playing that tonight.
- lt's good.
- You said it was awful.
- Well, it's grown on me now.
- (Sighs) This is a big opportunity for me.
l could be out of here.
American tour, the lot.
- Just slow down, Vince.
- Why? - lt's going too fast.
- Rock and roll is fast.
lf all goes to plan, l could be in rehab next Thursday.
Tuesday week, l'll be living on an island with a small lndian boy.
Whoa there, OK? Relax.
Take your foot off the pedal.
- Why? - Slow down.
- You want fame, yeah? You want it bad.
- So what? lt's burning you up inside.
Like a fire.
ln your throat.
- So what? - l used to have that fire.
- Here we go.
- Burning away.
Deep inside me.
l wanted fame, Vince.
l had it as well.
l was a musical genius.
You haven't picked up an instrument.
l've never seen you - There's a reason for that, OK? lt's time for me to tell you the story.
- (Sighs) ls this gonna take long? - This story will chill you to the bone.
lt's gonna turn your heart black with fear.
lt all happened what seems like a lifetime ago now.
Flashback.
(# Scats) (Squeaky voice) Git yourself outta here, Howard.
Don't you have a home? - This is a jazz club, yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, well, wherever jazz is, l is.
Bebop's my home.
l thought you lived on Northbrook Street, near Budgens.
Yeah, it's a metaphor.
You been here the past three nights.
What are you hangin' around here for? Something wrong with your voice? (Clears throat) (Squeaky voice) What are you hangin' around here for? Gonna be a jazz musician.
(Laughs) Something funny? Yeah.
You know, there are those who got it and those who ain't.
l'm gonna get it, OK? No, you ain't.
You know why? Because you ain't got the spirit of jazz inside you.
Well, l've got a dream inside of me.
How's that for you? Howard, there's a job opening here as a barrel monkey with your name on it.
l suggest you take it.
A barrel monkey? l'm Howard Moon.
- ls that a yes? - lt's a thank you, no.
Suit yourself.
Here are the keys.
Lock up when you're done.
Good luck, fool.
(Blows ineffectually) Well, well.
What have we got here? Hey there, little fella.
Mmm.
Little piece of chicken.
What's happening, boy? - Who are you? - l is the spirit of jazz.
- What do you want? - Oh, you in turmoil.
What's wrong? You tell Uncle Mario what's wrong.
l want to be the greatest jazz player in Yorkshire.
Yorkshire.
What is Yorkshire? Yorkshire is a place.
Yorkshire is a state of mind.
Yorkshire, New Orleans, it's all the same to me, baby.
Yeah.
Baby, l'll make you famous.
You wanna be famous? - Yeah.
- Wanna be on the wall? Look at this guy.
Blind Bonnie Shortbread.
Huh? What a player.
l seen him play with my own eyes.
The man was a genius.
What about this guy? Hot Wee Wee Jefferson.
The Cystitis Kid.
Man, when he was playing, both pipes was on fire.
l can make you like that.
You wanna be on the wall, Howard Moon? - How do you know my name? - lt's on your trumpet case, asshole.
Oh, yeah.
So what do we do, then? Well, maybe l'll make you famous.
Maybe l'll do all l say.
But maybe you gots to do something for me.
- l gots needs too, you know.
- What? Never mind the itty-bitty details, just sign here, baby.
Sign here.
ln blood? Biro's fine.
What's this stuff about ownership of the soul? (Laughs) Yous is mine, boy.
You signed right here.
You signed your soul away.
Yeah, l own you, baby.
Every time you pick up an instrument, l'll be there, inside you, wearing you like a glove.
Your sweet ass is mine.
Check it, check it out.
Ow! Ow! Man, my hat's on fire! What's wrong with you? Are you blind? Why didn't you tell me? Sorry, l thought that was your look.
No, it ain't my look.
lt's a brand-new hat.
Spoilt my exit now.
Trying to do you a favour.
That ain't no door back there.
lt's a toilet.
And then that next evening, you'll never believe what happened.
When l lifted that trumpet to my mouth and blew that first note, something incredible happened, Vince.
Something that Oi! - Are you listening to me? - No, l'm not.
- l'm telling you a story.
- So what? - lnformation that might help you.
- Not interested.
- Not interested? - No, l'm a rock star now.
Whoa, big man.
Yeah? Well, you've changed.
- So what? - You used to be a zoo keeper.
- What about the zoo? - (Bleep) the zoo.
- What did you say? - l said, ''(Bleep) the zoo.
'' l can't believe you're saying that.
What about the animals? (Bleep) the animals.
They're all a bunch of (Bleep).
- You wanted to help the animals.
- l want to help them all to die.
(# Electro pop) Wait a second.
Are you going to be wearing those hats tonight? - Yeah.
Why? - lt's just that l'm the front man and l'm trying to create some stuff out here, pull some shapes, and they're creeping into my line of vision, sort of bobbing in, so if you could just take them off.
Do you know who l am? Where did you get this chump from, huh? l'm Johnny Two Hats.
Why do you think they call me that? - ls it because you've got two hats on? - Bingo.
Hello.
We've got a gig tonight, remember? OK.
One, two, three, four.
Sorry.
Um What if someone starts wearing three hats? - You've seen someone wearing three? - No.
Of course you haven't.
You haven't even seen anyone with two hats yet.
Know why no one's ever worn two hats? - Why? - Because it looks freakish.
You look like an absolute idiot.
Just stop dissing the hats.
- You're making me cross, Vince.
- All right.
Next time, girls, will you consult me before you employ some bozo on front vox? - Sorry, Johnny.
- Johnny what? - Johnny Two Hats.
- Thank you.
Two, three, four.
So what are we gonna do now Johnny's left? Well, who cares about Johnny? What was he bringing to the band, anyway? - Other than the extra hat? - He wrote all the music.
- Played the synth bass.
- Programmed the drums.
- Ran the website.
- He came up with this.
Yeah, that is pretty good.
Look, l'll get someone else.
Well, you've got three hours.
All right, that's ages, it will be fine.
Cool your boots.
There's some important people coming tonight, the head of Pieface Records is gonna be there.
- l'll get someone.
- They've got to be cool.
l only know cool people.
Yeah, whatever.
You've got three hours.
lf you don't come up with someone, we'll stab you up.
You rock ponce! - Hi, ladies.
Just ridden a porpoise.
- Yeah? Ring-a-ding-ding.
Yeah.
Maybe catch you later, yeah? All right, Howard? All right.
Sorry about earlier.
l behaved like a tit.
l was having problems coping with the stardom.
You've only been in the band since 10:30 this morning.
- Yeah, but the lifestyle, the drugs.
- What drugs? Well, you know, the coffees.
l've had three lattes and an Americano.
l'm blazing.
How did it go with you and the porpoise race? - Came last.
- What, again? - Who won? - Tony.
- What? Blind Tony? - Yeah.
He's using sonar or something.
How's it going with you and your pop band? All right.
Having a bit of trouble with the keyboard player, Johnny Two Hats.
- What is it? Mood swings? - He's left the band.
That's a pretty big mood swing.
He swung right out of the band.
You know what musicians are like, pretty temperamental.
- l do know.
Oh, yeah.
- l heard you were pretty good.
You heard right.
l was one of the best.
- l heard you could play any instrument.
- l was a multi-instrumentalist.
Play anything.
Trumpet, guitar, kazoo, bassoon.
You name it.
- Keyboard.
- Yeah.
Grade 1 7.
- ls that good or bad? - Let's say grade ten is a musical genius.
Hmm.
Seven off.
l could probably work with that.
Hey, Howard.
Do you think you could do me a favour? l'm not doing it.
Oh, come on.
lt will be amazing.
lt will be genius.
Me and you, fame, stardom.
No, l can't.
l just can't do it, Vince.
- What about the girls? They're into you.
- Are they? - They say you're an eccentric character.
- Eccentric character.
There's two of them, two of us.
lt will be like the indie ABBA.
lt'll be perfect.
l can't Vince, l just can't do it.
Even if l could, l haven't got the right look.
My hair's not right.
l've already thought about this.
Leave it to me.
Check this out.
l've never shown anyone this.
lf you do this gig for me, l'll give you unlimited access to these babies.
( # Heavenly choir) - What are those? - They're my offcuts.
My old hair.
Huh? Glue them on.
Redesign your hair.
Have fun with it.
l appreciate the gesture, but no.
- lt seems like a lot.
lt's fine, honestly.
- No, it's not that.
l can't do the gig.
- You know why.
- Why not? Because of that stupid story? - Yeah.
- l don't believe you.
Vince, when l play, bad things happen.
Just forget it.
l'll get someone else.
- Vince, that's not it.
- Yeah, whatever.
This is bullshit.
Bollo, you've gotta help me.
l need a guitarist for tonight's gig.
- Can you play guitar? - Yes.
l play just like Hendrix.
Yes.
Brilliant.
Great.
There you go.
What are you doing? What was that? Woodstock '69.
(# Accomplished jazz) Well, well, if it ain't the comeback kid.
What are you doing here? (Sniffs) Mmm.
l think you've been playing again, boy.
l'm not playing.
Oh, yous is playing, boy.
And now it's time for me to get inside of you again.
l don't want that.
Please, l can't have that.
Oh, yeah, baby, l'm coming inside.
Stop saying that.
lt sounds weird.
Weird? How so? We had an agreement.
But l don't want anything to do with that now.
Come on, baby.
You wanna feel the warmth of me deep inside you, don't you? - l certainly do not.
- l've been inside all the greats.
l've been inside Charlie Parker, l've been inside Miles Davis, l even got inside Steve Davis.
Though that was an accident.
But anyway, don't deny me my role, l'm going to creep inside you like a warm kitten.
- Just leave me alone.
- We made such sweet music together, Don't you remember those days? We were jazz pioneers.
Pioneers? What you made me do was embarrassing.
l don't want anything more to do with you.
l do not believe that boy's giving me the credence l deserve.
What are you looking at? l don't know.
l mean, l l want to help Vince, l really do, l'm just, l can't Can't or won't? Can't.
- l thought you were a team.
- We were We are a team.
OK? lt's just that when l play an instrument, the spirit of jazz gets inside me and when that happens, it isn't pretty.
lt makes me do stuff.
- What, like shopping? - Shopping? No.
Things l'd rather not talk about, Naboo.
There may be a way.
Play this.
Play this? Are you high? Yeah.
l explained to you, when l play an instrument - Play.
Just play it.
(# Flurry of notes) l knew you couldn't resist me, boy.
Time for me to get inside you again.
- Oh, dear.
- l'm gonna wear you like a glove.
- Who the hell is this asshole? - l'm Naboo, that's who.
Get in my Hoover bag, you boo.
(Groans) - Now run like the wind.
- Thanks, Naboo.
Sort your hair out, it's an '80s band.
Listen, bitch, have you got anyone? - Um - You better have.
Cos the head of Pieface Records is here to see us.
- Do we actually need anyone? - What? Well, Johnny Twp Hats, what did he do? Play keyboard.
How hard can it be? l mean, it's just this, innit? Have you got anyone or not? Ladies.
Howard.
Hi.
No way.
Not that simpleton.
- He's a musical genius.
- He better be.
He looks like a paedophile.
l'm so glad you could make it.
Maybe after the gig we could have a drink, have a chat about stuff.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, why not? - Er Who are you? - l'm Vince.
l'm in Kraftwerk Orange.
- You are the head of Pieface Records? - No.
No, l'm Marcus Hoffman.
l design speedboats.
- Sorry l thought you were someone else.
- Listen.
A few of us get together at weekends, listen to reggae.
Maybe you want to come and hang out with us? Get lost, creepy crust.
lf l can just turn this thing on.
Yeah.
Now l'm coming for you, Howard Moon.
Hoover or not, l'm a-coming for you.
Driving along on the plastic dream Heart beats fast like a tiny machine l am electro boy l am electro girl Sailing along on a Perspex sea Crystal moccasins, bionic cheese l am electro boy l am electro girl Mmm, he's close, l can smell him.
l can smell the notes.
Riding along on a plastic dream Heart beats fast like a tiny machine l am electro boy l am electro girl Sailing along on a Perspex sea Crystal moccasins, bionic cheese l am electro boy l am electro girl - (Spirit) Get the hell out of my way, lady.
- Agh! We're gonna have ourselves some hot jazz.
(# Complex jazz improvisation) Oh, well, l'm sorry about last night.
l got a bit carried away and the jazz got in me and l had a jazz attack.
The whole night was a shambles.
l can't believe those electro girls, they stabbed everyone up.
Anyway, l've been thinking, l don't think it's for me, the rock-and-roll lifestyle.
- Don't worry, l'll make it up to you.
- Yeah? l've got something lined up for us.
Check this out.
(# Heavenly choir) Wow.
Let's sort these pens out for Uncle Walt.
Feels as though nobody cares lf l lives or dies So l might as well begin to put some action in my life Breaking the law, breaking the law