The Muppets (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

1 - You know, I love it out here in the - - morning, when everything's quiet.
- Uh, sometimes I'll just stand here looking at my little parking sign.
I'll think to myself, uh, "Not bad for a humble frog who grew up in a Mississippi swamp.
" Uh-oh.
Uh, oh, dear.
- Oh, uh - Look out! There's butter on the brakes! There's butter on the bra-a-a-a-kes! - Oh! Watch out! - Oh, no! Oh, look out! Oh, my goodness! Butter! Oh, no! Uh, uh, sweetums, are you okay? No problem, Caroline.
Okay, somebody get sweetums to the nurse right away.
Uh, uh, Scooter, why was sweetums driving around with a giant block of butter? Well, because Patrick Dempsey - got a poison ivy rash.
- Ooh.
What, are you gonna rub his body down with butter? What? Ew.
K-Kermit! No! Ew! Dempsey canceled, so we're filling that segment with Swedish Chef carving a butter sculpture of Piggy's head.
Like Patrick Dempsey would ever let me rub him with butter.
- Could you imagine? - That would - Well, I - Ooh! Ooh! Mish burtiger! Der butter versh poogy! Okay, okay, listen somebody help the chef get this butter on ice, and could we ple for Pete's sake, Animal, could you play any louder?! Louder?! Okay! No, that Okay, guys, I'm going to call transpo and get this golf cart out of here.
Chip, could you just mop up? Oh, uh, I've never mopped a floor before.
It can't be that hard.
Yeah, whatever.
Der butter versh poogy.
Oh, uh, Cassandra, could you get transpo in there to sort out this mess? Kermit, I need your lunch order.
- It's Mexican.
Same thing as last time? - Yeah, that'll be fine.
I don't remember.
What did you get last time? - Wha I-I don't know.
- So, Kermit, we got a great sketch for Patrick Dempsey.
- Sí.
- Oh, no, Dempsey's out.
We're going with a big block of butter.
Okay, we'll just tweak it.
Piggy's having a dream where she's making out with a big block of butter.
- Hmm? - It's actually funnier.
- Yeah.
And more realistic.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
- Kermit.
- Yeah? The truck just arrived with Piggy's new winter wardrobe.
- Yeah? - But she won't let me accept delivery until she she approves each shawl and shrug.
Okay, so get her approval.
Oh, if only it were that easy.
- Huh? - She's stuck in the elevator.
Stuck in the Piggy! Piggy, are you okay? This is my worst nightmare, Kermit.
Everybody's staring at my legs.
The one day I skip my calf raises, and this happens.
Don't worry, Piggy.
I'll be right back with some emergency - jeggings.
- Mm.
- There are no jeggings.
- Hmm? - Hope is what she needs now.
- Aah! Okay, okay, uh - Hang on, Piggy! - Mm.
Hmm.
Bobo, do you have any idea what you're doing? Yeah, sure, sure.
- I was a mechanic back in the service.
- Mm-hmm.
And if you think about it, elevators and helicopters are basically the same thing.
- What? - It's all about how high you want to go.
Oh, I'm not sure that's exactly - Piggy! - Oh, dear! Oh, oh, dear.
Oh, no! Now everyone's staring at my forehead, and I'm overdue for my Botox! Uh, uh, not not red.
Ah - Do do something! - D-d-definitely green! Green! Piggy! Be right back, Kermit.
- Just going up to payroll.
- No, no, no! Fozzie! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Aah! Aah! - Ohh.
- I think something's wrong with the elevator.
So, there was a backlash against Mexican, and we're going Greek.
I feel awful.
Oh, felafel? Yeah, get me one of those, - would you, please? And, oh, - Okay.
Falafel.
- and taramasalata if they've got it.
- Mm-hmm.
All righty.
Ooh! Yeah! Unh! Hmm.
Time to get things started.
Ha ha ha! W-what happened? You fainted.
But don't worry.
I've been cleansing your aura.
- And I don't even cleanse my own aura.
- Hmm? I have a woman come in once a week.
Now, just relax while I take your temperature with this laser thermometer.
- Aah! Ow.
- Oops.
Oh uh, wrong laser.
Er Here, I can totally soothe that burn with this healing crystal I got in Hawaii.
Hawaii? Oh, I-I've been to Hawaii.
So now there's two places we've both been Hawaii and here.
Uh Why would I use Kermit's fainting spell to connect with Janice? Love doesn't work on a timetable.
Plus, I'm a bird of prey.
When I see something I want, I swoop! Oh! Uh, uh - Kermit! - Huh? Oh, Kermit! Oh, sweetie.
Oh, I came just as soon as I heard.
I'll take it from here, y'all.
- Ohh.
- Thank you.
Uh, Janice.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Hmm? So, um do you snorkel? Oh, never.
Snorkeling's an invasion of fish privacy.
Mm, yes, which is why I always yell, "Are you decent?" before I jump in the water.
Hmm.
Uh You're blowing this.
Oh, Kermit, you poor thing.
What happened? Uh, I don't know.
Uh, last thing I remember thinking was, "We need a better lunch system.
" - Ohh.
- Kermie! Kermie! I came just as soon as I heard.
Are you okay? I'm worried about you.
- Yeah.
- You know what you need? Some time at a spa to decompress.
- I absolutely agree.
- Oh, what do you know? - Well, she was agreeing with you.
- Y-yeah, I know, but I was already - committed, so I powered through.
- Ah You know, there's a great place just an hour from here - called the Malibu Yoga Retr - Yoga Retreat! That's what I was going to I was going to say that.
Kermit, I insist that you take the rest of the day off - and spend a long weekend there.
- Mm-hmm.
Well well, thank you, Piggy, but I really I-I can't take a day off.
Kermit, you are always helping - everybody else.
Hmm? - Everybody else.
It's time for you to finally do something for yours - me! Y-yourself.
- Yourself.
- What is the matter with you? - I don't know, my timing's off, all right? You got big mouth.
- He fainted? - Wait, wait, wait.
- Hey, guys.
- What's he gonna say? Everybody, listen up.
Uh, could I have your attention just for a second? Uh, listen, first of all, I just want everybody to know that I am fine.
- Ah.
- That's good.
Are you sure? You look a little green.
I'm always green, Zoot.
Oh.
You look great, then.
Uh, well, thank you, but uh, I've decided to take a personal day.
And in my absence, our Associate Producer, Scooter, will run the show.
Come on up here, Scooter.
Uh, oh, thank you.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, let him through.
Let him through.
You know, when you're choosing somebody to handle a high-pressure job, you might want to go with the guy who won't get rattled.
I mean, I was a stunt man.
I was shot out of a cannon straight into Niagara Falls.
Although, technically, I was supposed to go over Niagara Falls.
Always check the wind.
Wow, this is am I have so many people to thank, um, starting with Great-Grammy Zuzka and her 11 sisters Katrinka, Madlenka All right, Scooter, that's enough.
I got to go.
And Patoonki.
- She made good soup.
- I love soup.
Okay, well, anyway, uh, listen, feel free to use my office and my assistant, right, Yolanda? Oh, yeah, of course.
I love being passed around to any rando you put in charge.
I do.
It's my fave.
- Hmm.
- Great.
Okay, well, uh, have a good day, everybody, and thank you all.
Yeah.
- Okey-dokey.
- I got this, boss.
Don't worry about a thing.
I can't let Kermit down.
He's my father.
Uh, uh, uh, mentor.
Mentor.
Mentor.
Mentor.
Mentor.
- Hey, Carl.
- What?! Since today started out a little rough - Yeah.
- I thought it'd be nice to, uh, treat everyone to coffee.
I don't drink coffee! It agitates me! Well, just see what other people want.
And, here, put it on my credit card.
Who's Joan? Oh, that's my mom.
Yeah, I'm helping her earn points towards a trip to Rome for her and her boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm just gonna pay my own way.
Did I hear "Free coffee"? Hey, make mine iced.
It's a little warm in here.
I'm pittin' out.
Yeah, you know, it is a skosh toasty in here.
- Hmm.
- Think I'll just turn down the A/C.
Hey, hey, hey, ah, ah, ah.
That masking tape is there for a reason.
Kermit don't want nobody touching that thermostat.
He's a frog.
He likes it swampy.
Yeah, well, he also eats crickets for breakfast.
That doesn't mean we have to.
It's okay.
Everything's fine.
It's just the unit kicking on.
Ah.
Aah! Ow! Hey, you want Starbucks? Scooter's mom's buyin'.
Mm-hmm.
Before lunch is served, we're going to learn how to eat mindfully.
Now, everyone pick up your blueberry.
Hmm.
Don't put it in your mouth.
Look at it.
Take a moment to appreciate the berry.
Hmm.
Now eat it.
Uh Uh, uh Hmm.
Now take a sip of water.
So sorry.
Couldn't find my flip-flops.
And I've missed lunch, too, huh? Great.
Oh, hey, Kermit the Frog.
- Jason the Bateman.
- Hi.
Uh, what are you doing here? - Um, well, my wife made me come.
- Hmm.
Um, I got roped into directing "Wicked" at my daughter's elementary school, and the kids have got me all stressed out, you know? It's like, "Don't ask me what your character wants.
You're a flying monkey.
Just shut up and sing.
" - You know, that's what I tell them.
- Excuse me.
Fellas? What's that? We're not here if we're not here.
Sorry.
I get it.
Now, as you sit, feel your bottom against the chair the pressure, the weight.
Hey, um, you're a producer.
Do you know a guy who can do costumes on the cheap? They've capped our budget at $400.
Why don't you just throw in some of your own money? Well, that's against the rules.
Besides, I've I already tried to launder a grand in the bake sale, and they caught me spending $300 on a cupcake.
- Oh.
- So that's out.
- Shh.
- Sorry.
Oh.
- Hey, um, I got a costume guy.
- Yeah? I'll give you his number right after I'm finished experiencing my bottom.
- I knew it.
Great.
Thank you.
- Sure.
I do have to go to the restroom.
May I be excused? Sorry.
Excuse me.
- Hmm? - I apologize.
Oh.
I'm also gonna need a really good lighting guy, okay? I cannot pay him, but if he's single, the mother of Glenda the Good Witch she just went through a really tough divorce, and and, you know, the cougar's on the prowl.
You know what I mean? Yeah? Man, you think with the A/C broken, Beaker's face would have thawed out by now.
There is no colder face than freon face.
And I know what I'm talking about.
My experiments in cryogenics cost me my chair at Berkeley.
- Hmm.
- And finally, the mouth.
- Mm! - Ohh! Science! Why me?! Why me?! I know.
I don't know.
Just keep your eyes on me, dear.
- Keep your eyes up here.
No, no.
- My babies! - My babies! - No, no, no.
Easy.
Steady, - girl.
- What happened?! Condensation from the broken A/C drenched and destroyed Piggy's new winter collection.
- Ohh.
- This is on your head, boy! Yeah, I'm so sorry.
They're all ruined, except this blue shrug she's wearing now, which, between you and me, makes her look a little sausage-y.
Oh, oh, oh.
What if we hang them up in the sun? Or steam them? I hear there's a dry-cleaner in Chinatown who's using a Look at me, Piggy! They're gone.
Noooooooo! Oh, fiddle-faddle! - Whoa! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - The butter footer slipen.
- What? All right, everybody, I got coffees over Oh, oh! Son of a ohh! Oh.
You know, according to my research, there is no hotter face than coffee face.
Whoa.
Holy-moly.
What was that? Oh.
Ohhhhhh! - Woah! - Oh! Explosions! Yum! What is going on?! It's fireworks, little dude.
Kind of reminds me of a luau on the beach of Waikiki.
Whoa! Why are the lights exploding? Well, when you busted the A/C all that freon hit the warm air, and the condensation it created uh, triggered a power surge in the electrical system.
Oh! Aah! Stage lighting, helicopters they're basically the same thing.
Look at me! I'm a fire goddess! Uh, me too! Far out.
Whoa! Whoa! - Whoop.
- Ha ha.
So, uh, what's the plan there, boss? I broke the show.
I broke Kermit's show! I feel sorry for Scooter.
Being in charge is not easy.
But you know what I learned when I was shot into Niagara Falls? Sometimes, you got to ask for help.
Yeah.
And learn French in case the wind carries you to the Canadian side.
Whoa! Let your partner's energy move your hands.
Stay in the moment.
Don't think.
Just be.
Hey, stretch pants, can you go grab a smoothie? I got to talk to the frog.
Thank you.
Hi, there.
What do you want, Jason? I already gave you the name of my costume guy.
Yeah, I called your friend Reggie.
He won't give me a deal.
Well, how did you call him? We're not allowed to have phones.
Well, we're not allowed to have pizza, either, okay? So what do you say we go grab a slice, you call your friend for me? Are you crazy? If they catch us with electronics, they'll throw us out.
I'm already pushing it with my sleep-apnea machine.
Now, could you please just leave me alone? I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make my problems your problems.
I apologize.
I'll see ya.
Notice the exact I really thought I was gonna be able to guilt you into helping me out.
Yeah, well, I really thought I was gonna be able to resist helping you, but I can't.
- So let's go.
- Let's go.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah? Oh, thank you so much, Reggie.
You're a lifesaver.
Hold on a sec.
- Look, he'll do the costumes for free.
- Nice! Yeah, he just wants a mention in the program, so Oh, uh, well, you know what? That reminds me, I'm gonna need a program guy, too, please.
Thanks.
What's going on? Hi.
- Oh.
- Is that a phone? - Uh, uh - Oh, yes.
It is.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- P-please, don't kick me out.
- Yeah.
Uh, I need to learn to manage my stress.
And besides, I-I was just trying to help Jason.
- Tell her.
- Please.
Some people just can't unplug, you know? It's a shame.
Sorry.
If I'm home before Monday, my wife will kill me.
Why don't you go pack your bags, frog man? - No, I - You know what? In fact, I'll help you.
Let's go, pal.
Come on.
Don't touch me.
Fine.
Scooter, you can't leave.
You're in charge.
You're better off without me.
"Hang in there.
" What do you know about real problems? You're a kitten who's a model.
Scooter, everyone's counting on you.
When the Titanic was sinking, the captain stayed on till the very end.
Yeah, well, I'm no captain, okay? I'm the other guy who dressed up like a lady and snuck into the lifeboat.
I'm ashamed, but alive.
Now let me go.
Scooter, you're not going anywhere.
What is the oldest saying in Hollywood? Uh "This is where we should put Hollywood"? No.
"The show must go on.
" Well, why would you say that before Hollywood exists? Look, Scooter, what I'm trying to say is I believe in you.
And it doesn't matter how scared you are.
You can do this.
You have to do this.
Yeah, but how am I gonna put on a show when there's no electricity? Uh wait a minute.
That's it! The show will go on! And I will hang in there! - Yeah! - Thanks, Gonzo! Thanks, kitten model! Attaboy! Welcome back.
And for those just tuning in, tonight we're raising awareness about energy conservation.
So join me by turning off your lights because lights cause squinting, which leads to wrinkles, which are character on a man but get women banished from society.
- Hmm hey, uh - Hmm? great idea running the cameras off the golf-cart battery.
- Ah, thanks, buddy.
- Sure.
You see, I told you you could do it.
You're like a Miss America winner who stumbles during the swimsuit competition but knocks it out of the park in evening wear.
Ah, thanks, Gonzo.
Ooh.
I need a girlfriend.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Check this out.
I found a band that doesn't need to plug in.
- Ooh.
- I know there's no air-conditioning, but it's about to get really hot in here.
Ladies and gentlemen, Pentatonix! Tell me, am I going crazy? Uh-huh Tell me, have I lost my mind? - So, I was thinking - Yeah - Am I just afraid of lovin'? - I like Hawaii, you like Hawaii.
- Maybe we - You're on fire.
Oh why, thank you! Yeah, uh-huh 'Cause I can't do it anymore Gimme that can't sleep love Gimme that can't sleep I want that can't sleep love Well, I know you're dying to jump in with that bass line.
I am not.
You are.
- I am not.
- Huh.
- Huh.
- keeps me up all night Gimme that can't sleep love Maybe I'm too picky, honey Oh, you should be happy they kicked you out, Kermit.
I don't like those new-age places.
They tell you to relax, and then they stick you outside with a million squirrels who won't mind their own damn business.
You know, Rowlf, there are so many selfish people in this world who won't lift a finger to help anybody.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sometimes, I wish I was more like 'em.
Oh, but then you wouldn't be you.
And that's no way to live.
Took me years to accept the fact that I'm part corgi.
Guess that's why I can't dance.
How do you do it, Rowlf? You're one of the easiest-going guys I've ever known.
Well, when I'm having a tough day, I go home, draw myself a hot bath, get out, run around the house like a maniac, and chew on an old shoe.
And that makes you feel good? - Oh, especially the shoe part.
- Oh? Brings me back to a simpler time.
A-as a matter of fact, I got one right here.
Want to give her a go? Hmm? Oh.
Oh, no, thank you.
I-I should probably find my own thing.
Are you sure? 'Cause this one's got an odor-eater in it so you get that smoky taste, and then the gum on the heel gives it the perfect mint finish.
You you go ahead.
Okay.
- Good morning, everybody.
- What it is.
Well, boss, it took three weeks, but Patrick Dempsey's poison ivy went away.
- Should we book him? - Yeah, quick, before he rubs up against anything else.
- Hey, Kermit.
- Hmm? Big mean Carl got into a fight with the delivery guy.
It said, "This side up," and he put that side down! - Hmm.
- Sorry about that.
- Oh, Kermit.
- Hmm? - Could you talk to the FBI? - Wha I was just online buying old video games, not re-routing train schedules.
Pepe, Rizzo, stop messing with Chip.
- They were messing with me?! - Mm-hmm.
I have friends! Ha! Haaaa! - Oh! Toilet's clogged.
- Oh.
Wha Look, the stress is never gonna stop, but I love what I do and the folks I work with.
And I can deal with them because I finally got my own dirty, old sneaker.
It was right there in my backyard all the time.
It took me a few weeks, but I ripped out my old pool and built myself a little piece of home.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows? Learn a new song! Chill out, Phil! And what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions But only illusions And rainbows have nothing to hide I've heard it too many times to ignore it It's something that I'm supposed to be Someday we'll find it The rainbow connection The lovers, the dreamers, and me La da-da di da-da doo La da da-da da dee da doo Hmm.