The Mysteries Of Laura (2014) s01e07 Episode Script
The Mystery of the Art Ace
Take it Take another little piece of my heart now, baby Break it Take another little piece of my heart, you know Yeah, yeah, have it Have another little piece of my heart now, baby Excuse me.
You know you got it if it makes you feel good You're flat.
Flat.
Please, that song is my jam.
Used to be your jam.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm just saying, the older we get hearing starts to go, vocal cords get creaky.
There's nothing creaky about my cords! Billy better nurse his mother back to health quickly.
I prefer a partner who just listens to me vent, and agrees with everything I say.
I remember, I was married to you.
- Thank you.
- Oh, come on, Koreatown.
There's a trash bin, just right over there.
Oh, wow! I remember this beer from college, pretty much all I remember.
What are we looking at, Reynaldo? Blunt force trauma to the head.
Somewhere between midnight and 4:00 A.
M.
So, the killer whacks our victim on the head, dumps him in the trash.
- Classy.
- Murder weapon? That is unclear.
It is an odd-shaped wound, that's for sure.
Anything else? Found a sticky substance in the wound, most likely transfer.
I'll see if the lab can ID it.
David Sarkizian.
Sarkizian Gallery.
Oh, West Chelsea.
Last time I drove by that place there was a 6-foot neon chocolate bar in the window.
I may have dreamt that.
Laura, you still dreaming? Maybe.
No one is hung like this.
Hey, just get right in there.
Ooh! Good eyes.
Could be 20 grand.
Some package.
Not a bad dating strategy either.
Well, so, why didn't the killer take it? Maybe he didn't think of feeling up the guy's junk.
Unlike some people I know.
Or it wasn't a robbery.
There's another reason why this guy was killed.
Yow.
The same "art" they make us buy, at the boys' school auction.
I still use that plate with the handprints of all their classmates.
I'd retire that.
The boys told me, the big splotch in the middle is a butt print.
No, but seriously, how does all this crapola end up in a pricey gallery? When the crapola creator is sleeping with the boss.
May I help you? Uh, NYPD.
We are here to talk about David Sarkizian.
I am Angela, David's sister.
He's not in trouble again, is he? I'm so sorry.
Your brother was killed this morning.
- No! - Incompetent framer screwed up again! You want something done, you have to do it yourself.
What's going on here? Daddy It's David.
Mr.
Sarkizian.
Your your son has been murdered.
Well, with the life he led it doesn't surprise me he'd end up like this.
You'll have to excuse my dad.
Your father said he wasn't surprised by what happened, considering the life David led.
David, uh, was a screwup.
A very sweet screwup.
College dropout, and always getting into trouble.
He tried so hard to prove himself, but it was never good enough for dad.
Can't believe he's gone, and they never made up.
Any idea what your brother was doing in Koreatown last night, with $20,000 cash on him? It's a lot of walking-around money.
No idea about the money.
As for Koreatown, he would go to some karaoke place.
I saw one of those a block from the crime scene.
Please, if you find out anything, call my cell.
Excuse me, have you seen this man? Excuse me, you recognize this man? Have you seen this man last night? You've got a search warrant, detective? Captain.
Why would I need a search warrant? You recognize this man? No.
All right, we can do this the easy way, or tomorrow you can get a visit from the health inspector.
I don't know if I'd give those wings an A.
You can't do that.
I pay my taxes! What kind of place are you running here? You know you're supposed to cut them off, when they get drunk.
You can't be in here.
Well, well, well.
This sure looks like an illegal poker game to me.
Definitely a place my homicide victim could have won $20,000.
I'm gonna ask you one last time.
Was this man at the poker game last night? I recognize his face.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.
I'm gonna need a list of the names of all the people at the game last night.
I don't know names! Every month I get an envelope, 10,000.
I don't ask questions.
Is this a seating chart? Yeah, what are these? Nicknames? Hollywood.
Kid, 47.
When's the next game? - Tomorrow night.
- Tomorrow night.
All right, if that game is canceled I will know who tipped them off.
Are we clear? Nice decoy, show-off.
Good night, Koreatown! Captain! Didn't find anything unusual in the victim's apartment, and there is nothing in the security footage from the gallery.
Unless you count a gaggle of schoolgirls not texting.
Nah, our best lead so far is this poker game.
So, we hit it and badge everyone who walks in? No, I want to keep it on the DL.
We have to figure out a way to get somebody in that poker room.
If one of the players is the murderer, he's much more likely to talk freely to another player than a cop.
Well, we all know who the precinct shark is.
- Diamond? - Hmm? How would you like to play in a high stakes poker game tonight? I'll pass.
I'm already booked for a game of high-stakes Candyland.
You weren't made as a cop at the karaoke bar, and you're a player, and I lost my shirt to you on our third date.
Hmm, and your pants.
That was a good game.
No, I'm seriously rusty.
Well, I know someone who can help you get your game back.
No! No, no, no, no, no! No way! I need you, and you need him.
Police! Permission to enter.
No! Hi, dad.
Wow! Love what you've done with the place, dad.
Hardy har har.
Call Jimmy Fallon, I just found the next great stand-up.
I'm going undercover tonight in a high-stakes poker game.
What? You can't just walk into a game like that, and fake it.
That's why I'm here.
To brush up.
Suppose the twins are in college by now.
It hasn't been that long.
Though, much longer, and one of us could be dead.
Who's dying? Are you sick? I told you not to eat organic.
I'm fine.
I just need to practice.
Sure.
Soon as you apologize.
For what? "For what?" She says.
For last Thanksgiving, Raggedy Ann.
I should apologize? How about you apologize? Me? I was just trying to help.
- That wasn't helping! - Hey Not gonna talk to you, if you're gonna act crazy like your mother.
You know what? Incredibly annoying statements like that, are exactly why mom left.
And why I am leaving now! Good! Go! Have a nice life! Raggedy.
I just heard from Laura.
Based on the tone in her voice doesn't sound like this undercover poker game is gonna work out.
Any luck decoding that seating chart? I googled poker, uh, violence, and the number 47.
And one name kept coming up.
T.
J.
Cantrell.
Apparently, he's some sort of pro football player.
Yeah, it's no surprise, T.
J.
Cantrell's in that game.
He got sidelined for the season with a torn rotator cuff.
He's been in one trouble to the next ever since.
Let's see what we got here.
Yeah, see? Beat up a bouncer.
Scratch that, he beat up two bouncers at the same time.
Not to mention the drunk and disorderly calls.
We need to talk to this guy.
Well, I think I know exactly where to find him.
Posted this eight minutes ago.
Why do guys insist on coming to places like this? Because we're guys.
So true.
Easiest money I ever made.
Wait a minute.
You did this? How do you think I paid for college? Really? You wish.
There's our boy.
T.
J.
Cantrell, NYPD.
Call my lawyer.
You can call him from the precinct.
How about I stomp your ass, tiny.
Detective tiny to you.
We just have a few questions, man.
I'm a busy man.
The ladies are about to give me a whipped cream dance in my ride.
Feel me? - All right - I could give you a whipped cream dance right here, big boy.
- Oh, yeah? - You can even put a cherry on top.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your torn rotator? My bad.
I think we have some icy hot down at the precinct.
What do you say, we get in my ride? You can tip me on the way.
You feel me? Maybe I met that guy once.
Like I told you.
I only play in that game sometimes.
But I wasn't there last night.
I was with Verlene.
Verlene.
Would that be your wife? One of the entertainers we found you with, or your new girlfriend? Hmm, yeah.
I read page six, what can I say? She's the woman who raised me.
I drove her to church.
That woman loves her bingo.
We'll check it out, but in the meantime I need you to make a phone call and get one of our detectives in that poker game tonight.
- And, if I don't? - If you don't then Verlene gets a copy of page six.
Thought so.
Diamond.
Get your game right.
You're in.
Look who didn't get the memo about skin cancer.
Look who had a change of heart.
No, no change of heart.
I am here on police business, are you gonna help me or not? Feisty, feisty, sugar spicety.
Here's my condition.
If you are expecting an apology, that's No, no, no apology.
New deal.
I'll give you a refresher course.
If you let me spend a day with my grandsons.
A quid pro quo as we say in the law game.
Being disbarred means you're no longer in the law game.
And I'm your daughter.
You don't have to quid pro quo me, if you want to see the boys all you have to do is ask.
- I'm asking.
- Fine.
Tomorrow.
No sweets.
Done and done! Come on, let's play some cards.
You got a deck? What are we going to use for money? New hiding place for my Halloween stash.
We'll use them as chips.
What did I tell you about these little boxes? Some crazy hippie can open one up, put a piece of acid in there.
Do you want Nick and Harry to be tripping the light fantastic? Yeah, that's what I want.
Deal.
Just like old times, huh? Pair of diamonds.
- You get it? Diamonds? - Yeah, I get it.
I got it when I was five.
You always were a smart kid.
I don't know what happened.
That's your bet? Come on.
Are you not looking at the flop? You gotta float it.
You gotta take down the pot when I check on the turn.
Shush.
Now you're shushing? You came to me, sister, listen and learn.
Oh, that's ironic.
Well, here we go, $5 word alert.
"Ironic.
" Let me ask you this, what pile of poop did I step in now, Ms.
Ironic.
I just think it's funny to be told to listen and learn by a man who never listens and never learns.
I listen and learn plenty.
Got me through law school.
It put chicken cutlets and mashed potatoes on your plate for 18 years.
Thank you very much.
Don't futz with your cards, you're indicating.
I appreciate what you provided for me.
What I don't appreciate, is when I tell you over and over, ad infinitum "Ad infinitum"! A $10 word, now get them while they're hot! Shush! That I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions in life.
Why is it with us always an argument? Look at them, huh? We spent all summer getting you up on two wheels.
We never argued once.
Because you had giant orange headphones on the whole time, listening to the Yankees.
Those were good headphones.
They don't make headphones like that anymore.
- Hmm.
- Straight flush.
Come to mama! Now you're ready for that game.
No kidding, I just kicked your ass.
And I just showed you how, again.
Red velvet, as in the cake.
T.
J.
called me in.
- She's in.
- Okay, hotshot, we got eyes on you.
What's the vibe in there? Same as every table I've ever sat at.
Smug-looking one, must be Hollywood.
A kid in a hoodie.
Looks way too young to even be here.
Hiya.
I'm a newbie.
Heard this was where all the big action is.
Oh, okay.
Do your parents know where you are? Yeah, I just bought them a loft in Tribeca.
Smart money's not on the kid.
Copy that.
Keep it loose, so they don't suspect you, and try to get names if you can, so we can run backgrounds.
Oh, and, uh I brought an advisor, in case you wanted a little help with the game.
Don't short stack a pocket pair.
Play the man, not the cards.
I'm excited! Oh! Is anything better than a scotch and ginger, I'm in, who's with me? Refill, please! Whoa! Did not expect to see that kind of bet on the river.
What do you expect? He's a virgin.
Virgin, means fatso's a first-timer.
He's never been in this game before.
Which basically rules him out as the perp.
Moving on.
Get us more on the sketchy Russian.
That dude could kill a guy.
Late night, comrade? She must have been something, to wear you out.
Jet lag.
Took the red-eye from Vegas, two nights ago.
Hmm.
Alex Grozny.
Call me, Sasha.
Bite me.
Sketchy Sasha checks out.
He was 30,000 feet above Santa Fe, when David was killed.
Moving on.
Hey, handsome.
I've been wondering all night, are you an actor? Director, actually.
You seen Blood Wedding IV? Oh, I stopped at III! - I'll send you a blu-ray.
- Oh! Enough chitchat, and bet already, will you? He's just mad because I crushed this game last time.
No motive if he was the big winner the night David was killed.
We're looking for the big loser.
Down to your last chips, maniac? She's tipping us off.
A maniac is a player that does a lot of aggressive betting and raising, they're dangerous.
Could be our bad guy.
You better not be dealing from the bottom.
Mmm! Time for a refill.
I didn't get your name, sweets.
- Bridget.
- Oh.
I love that name.
If I were a betting woman Oh, hello.
I am! I would say that you're no cocktail waitress.
I'd say You run this game.
And I'd say, you're not a newbie.
Not the way you play.
A hot tamale! Reminds me of Laura's mother, back in the day.
Especially that caboose! Whoo! Did not need to know that.
Okay, get back to the game.
It's time to force some hands.
Okay.
So David Sarkizian.
I heard, he really took it down the other night.
So, who did he clean out? So this is really how you're all going to play it? Well, then.
I'm all in.
You're a cop.
It's him, it's him.
We're going in.
Come on.
NYPD! - Where's Bridget? - Who? The sexy hostess.
- What about this guy? - He flipped the table on me, just stood there.
Bridget bolted the second I said David's name.
Ugh! You're welcome! Police! Stop! Move, move, move! Bridget! Bridget! You are under arrest! And if I tore these jeans, you owe me $300.
Bridget Michaels, two priors for promoting gambling, reduced to probation, no time served.
You must have one hell of a lawyer.
Do I need to call him? Come on.
Ran a little poker game.
It's a victimless crime.
Same can't be said for murder.
No idea what you're talking about.
David Sarkizian.
What happened? He run up a little gambling debt on you? You see him win 20 grand, you want it for yourself? I had nothing to do with his death.
What am I missing here? I met David a year ago.
A sweet guy.
Terrible card player.
When I heard he had a gallery I approached him about doing a little business.
Hmm, what kind of business? Cleaning my money from the game.
Ah, so David was your money launderer.
I had been using a guy named Titus Bosch.
He'd take my cash from running the game and sell me paintings.
Then I'd resell them at auction.
Voila, we got clean money.
So, why switch to Sarkizian? Bosch charged 20%.
David agreed to take 10.
He had kind of a thing for me.
So, I would never kill him.
He was my golden goose.
You can understand that, can't you, captain? We'll check out your story, Ms.
Michaels.
You better hope the cards come up in your favor.
Her statement pans out.
Auction house records found numerous sales of works that she bought from the Sarkizian Gallery.
All blue chip stuff that she could flip without the risk of losing her own money.
David was a badass.
Laundered over 300 grand for her.
So much for this little poker game.
So that cash you found on David, it wasn't his, it was Bridget's.
The art world is custom built for money laundering.
Deals made in secret, millions moved on a handshake.
My family's been buying art for generations.
Grandma Theodora's Boudoir was wall-to-wall Picasso.
Blue period, natch.
What about this Titus Bosch? Titus Bosch, 53, operates on the fringes of the art scene fencing stolen works, money laundering and so on.
Photo op.
Wait, I've seen that poseur.
Security cam inside the gallery, Bosch with Julius Sarkizian.
Neither looks particularly happy.
Yeah, and check the time stamp.
Two days before David's murder.
We need to find Bosch, now.
Oh, there's a major auction today at the Nordoff Estate.
An incredible collection.
I was hoping to stop by later, pick up some bits and Bobs.
- Nice to be you.
- Don't hate me, hate my trust fund.
I'm just saying a guy like Bosch will definitely be there.
Great, Meredith, you hit that auction.
Yeah, I'm sort of a Ebay chick.
Well, I'm stuck at my desk and Billy took Laura to the chiropractor.
That table crunched her back pretty good.
Take Max.
He seems to know his way around a gavel.
Field trip? Yes! Sold for $1.
2 million.
Congratulations, madam.
Next item.
Oh, my goddess.
That is carved and figured Mahogany Bombay.
Do you see that? I'm guessing 18th century.
- I'm in heaven.
- Of course you are.
It's a convention of you.
Oh, Bosch alert.
Looks even slimier in real life.
Who do you have to kill to get a good seat around here.
Excuse me? Max Carnegie.
My colleague, Meredith Bose.
Detective Meredith Bose.
Titus Bosch.
Carnegie, really? Well, not exactly those Carnegies.
The Connecticut Carnegies.
I know.
Well, my parents had these friends, Dean and Gerald Mussolini, we called them the Connecticut Mussolinis.
- But enough about me - Mr.
Bosch, what can you tell us about David Sarkizian? I heard what happened.
Tragedy.
We now move to lot 829.
A wonderful work from the Hudson River School.
Start the bidding at 100,000.
Do you know anything about his death? Sorry, I can't help you.
It's not what Bridget Michaels told us.
If you don't mind, this is the painting I came here to buy.
Uh, 175.
I have 175, do I hear 200? Sorry, I have a blank wall above my settee that is begging for that painting.
Mr.
Bosch, where were you the night David Sarkizian was killed? I'm not having this conversation.
The bid is 200.
- 225.
- 225.
- Thank you.
- Nut job, what are you doing? Putting a little pressure on grumpy pants, so he'll talk to us.
I so need that painting in my life, 250.
You're still the highest bidder at 225, sir.
Indeed I am.
250, unbid.
Again, we're at 225, do I hear 250? Are we finished, ladies and gentlemen? Even the Connecticut Carnegies are loaded.
He could do this all day.
You want it, you should be talking pretty.
- Fair warning.
- This is police harassment.
Sold to the eager young man at the back for $300,000.
Really? Yay! Good news, Mr.
Bosch.
My colleague has graciously agreed to sell you his new painting.
Provided you answer my questions about David.
The night David was killed, I was having dinner with a collector.
The maitre d' at Le Cirque will confirm I was there until closing.
Tell me about Bridget Michaels.
She's an associate of mine.
I arranged acquisitions for her.
You were her money launderer.
How'd you figure out she took her business to the Sarkizians? The art world is very small.
So, you went to Julius Sarkizian and threatened him for stealing your client? I reminded him, that I don't swim in the Sarkizians' pool and I didn't appreciate them dipping their toes into mine.
The next I heard, David was dead.
Do the math.
May I retrieve my painting now? Please.
Captain.
We have a new suspect.
And, spoiler alert, his last name is Sarkizian.
Hey.
So, what did the chiropractor say? Next time someone throws a table at me, move.
I spoke to Reynaldo, turns out the sticky substance in David's wound, is a glue used in high-end art frames.
What do you know? And there's our guy.
Very busy, detectives.
Our group show opens tonight.
Well, then we will get right to it.
Why didn't you tell us that your son was laundering money? We did talk to Titus Bosch.
Oh, that crook.
All he knows how to sell are lies.
You must have known it was the truth.
How else would you account for David's sudden jump in sales? He wasn't exactly employee of the month.
And honestly, sir, you didn't seem surprised or upset to find out that your own son was dead.
You have no idea how I feel.
I think you feel guilty.
I think Bosch told you what was happening underneath your own roof, and you couldn't risk having a story like that come out, it would ruin you.
That's ridiculous.
I'm gonna show you just how clean an operation we run.
Every transaction is recorded - by hand.
- Ooh! Stronger than Elmer's.
Did David handle this? David wasn't trained in restoration.
That's interesting.
Because there was framer's glue on David's body, in and around the fatal wound.
Mr.
Sarkizian? Not another word until I speak to my lawyer.
Fair enough.
In that case, you're under arrest.
I must say, I'm quite surprised, Mr.
Sarkizian.
And you're prepared to sign a full confession? I want to avoid a public trial.
Angela's suffered enough.
Talk us through exactly what happened the night of the incident.
When I found out what David was doing behind my back, I went and confronted him.
And what transpired during that confrontation? He wouldn't listen.
He refused to stop.
So I became so enraged I I grabbed a brick off the ground, and smashed his head.
And what happened to this brick? I threw it in a dumpster.
I imagine it's gone by now.
In here.
This way, this way, this way.
- Mommy! Mommy! - Mommy! Why did you bring them to the precinct? And why are they covered in - Ice cream! - Ice cream! Grandpa Leo got it for us.
It was awesome! Look, the boys wanted to try that kitchen sink sundae.
You know, the one you told them you have to be I told them that because a five-pound sundae isn't appropriate for six-year-olds.
Well, they didn't eat all of it.
I had a taste.
It wasn't bad.
Okay, you guys.
Okay! Okay, I want you to sit.
No eye contact, with the bad guys.
- All right, I get it.
- Okay? Grandpa and mommy, need to have a talk.
What? The one thing, the only thing I said, was no sweets! Why can't you listen? We wanted to do something fun.
Climb a tree! Throw a ball! You can play three-card monte! Loosen up! You're so restrictive! Have a drink.
Ever your tight-ass mother unclenched after a melon ball.
This is not about mom! This is about you, once again, bending over backwards to undermine my judgment.
As far as you're concerned, I never do anything right.
Not true.
You married the right guy.
Then you had to go and screw that up.
Oh, okay.
We are back to Thanksgiving, great.
Great, let's talk about Thanksgiving.
What's there to say? I order in a nice dinner, you show up, you make a huge scene, and you storm out.
You invited Jake! Right after I found out that he was cheating on me.
I wanted you to work things out.
Yeah, but I didn't want to work things out.
It isn't your job to fix my marriage, or my life.
- Not true! - Oh! It is.
It's called being a father.
Oh, my God! - You're right.
- Thank you.
Finally a little respect! Hey, I wasn't done.
Julius asked for a lawyer after looking up David's sales, right? Uh-huh.
Angela wrote down her cell for me.
- Same handwriting.
- Exactly.
When Julius saw that Angela had entered David's sales, he knew that she was in on the money laundering.
This guy isn't a murderer, he's a father.
Like Leo.
- Leo? - Yes.
If he thinks that his daughter did something terrible, he would do anything to fix it.
You think he confessed to cover for Angela? After Bosch's visit, she must have decided to solve things herself.
And daddy takes the fall before we pin the murder on his only remaining child.
But if he sticks with his confession, no judge is going to put Angela away.
Unless we get proof.
We've got to get to the gallery opening.
Before the hors d'oeuvres are gone.
Oh, score! - Too dry? - Mmm-mmm.
Too sweet? Too salty? Oh.
"Let them eat cupcake, "raw meat with lard frosting.
" Excuse me.
Oh, good champagne.
There she is.
I'll distract her.
Tell her the bad news about her dad.
You check upstairs.
- Murder weapon? - That is unclear.
It is an odd-shaped wound, that's for sure.
Angela, Angela.
I was bringing Angela up to speed about her father's confession.
I just can't believe it.
Neither could we.
I wanted to ask you about a piece that caught my eye.
Where did you find that? I was looking for the bathroom, and I took a wrong turn into your office.
It's not currently for sale.
Oh, well, newsflash.
A bedazzled bowling pin will never sell.
But it would make a perfect murder weapon.
Excuse me? You helped David launder money.
Do we really have to do this now? Right now.
Uh David saw a way to make some money, and get out of my father's shadow.
I knew what it would mean for him, so I entered his sales in the book.
What happened when Titus Bosch met with your father? Dad was livid.
As angry as I have ever seen him.
So, that night, my boyfriend, Will, and I told David he had to stop.
But David said he needed one more deal.
And you couldn't bear having your father find out, so you took matters into your own hands.
What? I would never kill my own brother.
That piece wasn't there before.
No.
Will just finished installing it today.
It's called, "99 bottles of beer, not on the wall.
" He collects them from bars around town.
Would you excuse us a minute? It's Will.
The boyfriend? How do you figure? Those bottles.
The beer I drank in college.
Remember the torn labels at the crime scene? Will must have bided his time rummaging through the recycling when he was waiting for David to come out of the bar.
Hey, Will.
How's it going tonight, Will? I've been better.
Yeah.
It's one thing for your girlfriend to get you into a gallery show, another to get people to buy.
Is that why you asked David to sell your pieces to Bridget Michaels? I'm sorry, who? - Will? - Problem was, in order to launder the money David could only sell Bridget pieces that she could resell later.
David told you he was only going to sell to Bridget one more time, so you went to that poker game in order to convince him that his last sale should be one of your pieces.
We even know which one.
I bet that you used framer's glue to attach those crystals.
You showed David this piece, he refused to take it, you lost your temper, and you took a swing.
No, you can't prove that.
Oh, but we will, when we confirm your fingerprints on the murder weapon.
I I made that piece, all right? Of course it has my fingerprints on it.
Oh, yeah? So, this is your blood? So when we test it, it's not gonna come up as David's blood.
I I didn't mean I didn't mean to kill It just it happened.
- Oh, my God! - You're going to jail, Will.
- For a very long time.
- Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
Broken bottle.
Clever.
I like to break bottles too! No! Oh! 93 bottles of beer 92 bottles of beer on the wall 92 bottles of beer Take one down pass it around 91 bottles of beer on the wall The zombies are coming.
Oh, my goodness! - I'll get it! - No, I'll get it.
See who it is first.
Grandpa! Heya, boys, how are ya? Hey, listen, boys, your mom and I need a minute.
So, uh, why don't you guys beat each other up in the den for a while.
Not for real! Yes? Um Well, how was your case? Caught the killer.
Pitched a one-hitter.
That's my girl.
- Who did it? - Sister's fiance.
The irony is Her father was about to go to prison for her.
Again with the irony.
How is that ironic? He was trying to save his daughter, but she didn't need saving.
You're killing me, Raggedy.
I'm sorry, all right? Jeez.
Was that an actual apology? Look, the only reason why I tried to save your marriage is I didn't want you to wind up like me, all alone in some crapola apartment eating frozen dinners.
Ouch.
We almost never eat these.
It's like a solar eclipse.
Oh, of course it is.
Um Could I stay a while, and read some non-violent, politically correct bedtime stories to the guys? Hey I even brought dessert.
Go play with them.
I'll, uh I'll peel open another one of these.
Oh, by the way, uh, it says three minutes on the box, but forget it, - if you go over two, you'll - Shush! Go play.
All right, boys, name of the game is five card draw, and, uh, you know I taught your mother everything she knows, but I didn't teach her everything I know.
All right.
You got any money? What are we going to use? Candy?
You know you got it if it makes you feel good You're flat.
Flat.
Please, that song is my jam.
Used to be your jam.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm just saying, the older we get hearing starts to go, vocal cords get creaky.
There's nothing creaky about my cords! Billy better nurse his mother back to health quickly.
I prefer a partner who just listens to me vent, and agrees with everything I say.
I remember, I was married to you.
- Thank you.
- Oh, come on, Koreatown.
There's a trash bin, just right over there.
Oh, wow! I remember this beer from college, pretty much all I remember.
What are we looking at, Reynaldo? Blunt force trauma to the head.
Somewhere between midnight and 4:00 A.
M.
So, the killer whacks our victim on the head, dumps him in the trash.
- Classy.
- Murder weapon? That is unclear.
It is an odd-shaped wound, that's for sure.
Anything else? Found a sticky substance in the wound, most likely transfer.
I'll see if the lab can ID it.
David Sarkizian.
Sarkizian Gallery.
Oh, West Chelsea.
Last time I drove by that place there was a 6-foot neon chocolate bar in the window.
I may have dreamt that.
Laura, you still dreaming? Maybe.
No one is hung like this.
Hey, just get right in there.
Ooh! Good eyes.
Could be 20 grand.
Some package.
Not a bad dating strategy either.
Well, so, why didn't the killer take it? Maybe he didn't think of feeling up the guy's junk.
Unlike some people I know.
Or it wasn't a robbery.
There's another reason why this guy was killed.
Yow.
The same "art" they make us buy, at the boys' school auction.
I still use that plate with the handprints of all their classmates.
I'd retire that.
The boys told me, the big splotch in the middle is a butt print.
No, but seriously, how does all this crapola end up in a pricey gallery? When the crapola creator is sleeping with the boss.
May I help you? Uh, NYPD.
We are here to talk about David Sarkizian.
I am Angela, David's sister.
He's not in trouble again, is he? I'm so sorry.
Your brother was killed this morning.
- No! - Incompetent framer screwed up again! You want something done, you have to do it yourself.
What's going on here? Daddy It's David.
Mr.
Sarkizian.
Your your son has been murdered.
Well, with the life he led it doesn't surprise me he'd end up like this.
You'll have to excuse my dad.
Your father said he wasn't surprised by what happened, considering the life David led.
David, uh, was a screwup.
A very sweet screwup.
College dropout, and always getting into trouble.
He tried so hard to prove himself, but it was never good enough for dad.
Can't believe he's gone, and they never made up.
Any idea what your brother was doing in Koreatown last night, with $20,000 cash on him? It's a lot of walking-around money.
No idea about the money.
As for Koreatown, he would go to some karaoke place.
I saw one of those a block from the crime scene.
Please, if you find out anything, call my cell.
Excuse me, have you seen this man? Excuse me, you recognize this man? Have you seen this man last night? You've got a search warrant, detective? Captain.
Why would I need a search warrant? You recognize this man? No.
All right, we can do this the easy way, or tomorrow you can get a visit from the health inspector.
I don't know if I'd give those wings an A.
You can't do that.
I pay my taxes! What kind of place are you running here? You know you're supposed to cut them off, when they get drunk.
You can't be in here.
Well, well, well.
This sure looks like an illegal poker game to me.
Definitely a place my homicide victim could have won $20,000.
I'm gonna ask you one last time.
Was this man at the poker game last night? I recognize his face.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.
I'm gonna need a list of the names of all the people at the game last night.
I don't know names! Every month I get an envelope, 10,000.
I don't ask questions.
Is this a seating chart? Yeah, what are these? Nicknames? Hollywood.
Kid, 47.
When's the next game? - Tomorrow night.
- Tomorrow night.
All right, if that game is canceled I will know who tipped them off.
Are we clear? Nice decoy, show-off.
Good night, Koreatown! Captain! Didn't find anything unusual in the victim's apartment, and there is nothing in the security footage from the gallery.
Unless you count a gaggle of schoolgirls not texting.
Nah, our best lead so far is this poker game.
So, we hit it and badge everyone who walks in? No, I want to keep it on the DL.
We have to figure out a way to get somebody in that poker room.
If one of the players is the murderer, he's much more likely to talk freely to another player than a cop.
Well, we all know who the precinct shark is.
- Diamond? - Hmm? How would you like to play in a high stakes poker game tonight? I'll pass.
I'm already booked for a game of high-stakes Candyland.
You weren't made as a cop at the karaoke bar, and you're a player, and I lost my shirt to you on our third date.
Hmm, and your pants.
That was a good game.
No, I'm seriously rusty.
Well, I know someone who can help you get your game back.
No! No, no, no, no, no! No way! I need you, and you need him.
Police! Permission to enter.
No! Hi, dad.
Wow! Love what you've done with the place, dad.
Hardy har har.
Call Jimmy Fallon, I just found the next great stand-up.
I'm going undercover tonight in a high-stakes poker game.
What? You can't just walk into a game like that, and fake it.
That's why I'm here.
To brush up.
Suppose the twins are in college by now.
It hasn't been that long.
Though, much longer, and one of us could be dead.
Who's dying? Are you sick? I told you not to eat organic.
I'm fine.
I just need to practice.
Sure.
Soon as you apologize.
For what? "For what?" She says.
For last Thanksgiving, Raggedy Ann.
I should apologize? How about you apologize? Me? I was just trying to help.
- That wasn't helping! - Hey Not gonna talk to you, if you're gonna act crazy like your mother.
You know what? Incredibly annoying statements like that, are exactly why mom left.
And why I am leaving now! Good! Go! Have a nice life! Raggedy.
I just heard from Laura.
Based on the tone in her voice doesn't sound like this undercover poker game is gonna work out.
Any luck decoding that seating chart? I googled poker, uh, violence, and the number 47.
And one name kept coming up.
T.
J.
Cantrell.
Apparently, he's some sort of pro football player.
Yeah, it's no surprise, T.
J.
Cantrell's in that game.
He got sidelined for the season with a torn rotator cuff.
He's been in one trouble to the next ever since.
Let's see what we got here.
Yeah, see? Beat up a bouncer.
Scratch that, he beat up two bouncers at the same time.
Not to mention the drunk and disorderly calls.
We need to talk to this guy.
Well, I think I know exactly where to find him.
Posted this eight minutes ago.
Why do guys insist on coming to places like this? Because we're guys.
So true.
Easiest money I ever made.
Wait a minute.
You did this? How do you think I paid for college? Really? You wish.
There's our boy.
T.
J.
Cantrell, NYPD.
Call my lawyer.
You can call him from the precinct.
How about I stomp your ass, tiny.
Detective tiny to you.
We just have a few questions, man.
I'm a busy man.
The ladies are about to give me a whipped cream dance in my ride.
Feel me? - All right - I could give you a whipped cream dance right here, big boy.
- Oh, yeah? - You can even put a cherry on top.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your torn rotator? My bad.
I think we have some icy hot down at the precinct.
What do you say, we get in my ride? You can tip me on the way.
You feel me? Maybe I met that guy once.
Like I told you.
I only play in that game sometimes.
But I wasn't there last night.
I was with Verlene.
Verlene.
Would that be your wife? One of the entertainers we found you with, or your new girlfriend? Hmm, yeah.
I read page six, what can I say? She's the woman who raised me.
I drove her to church.
That woman loves her bingo.
We'll check it out, but in the meantime I need you to make a phone call and get one of our detectives in that poker game tonight.
- And, if I don't? - If you don't then Verlene gets a copy of page six.
Thought so.
Diamond.
Get your game right.
You're in.
Look who didn't get the memo about skin cancer.
Look who had a change of heart.
No, no change of heart.
I am here on police business, are you gonna help me or not? Feisty, feisty, sugar spicety.
Here's my condition.
If you are expecting an apology, that's No, no, no apology.
New deal.
I'll give you a refresher course.
If you let me spend a day with my grandsons.
A quid pro quo as we say in the law game.
Being disbarred means you're no longer in the law game.
And I'm your daughter.
You don't have to quid pro quo me, if you want to see the boys all you have to do is ask.
- I'm asking.
- Fine.
Tomorrow.
No sweets.
Done and done! Come on, let's play some cards.
You got a deck? What are we going to use for money? New hiding place for my Halloween stash.
We'll use them as chips.
What did I tell you about these little boxes? Some crazy hippie can open one up, put a piece of acid in there.
Do you want Nick and Harry to be tripping the light fantastic? Yeah, that's what I want.
Deal.
Just like old times, huh? Pair of diamonds.
- You get it? Diamonds? - Yeah, I get it.
I got it when I was five.
You always were a smart kid.
I don't know what happened.
That's your bet? Come on.
Are you not looking at the flop? You gotta float it.
You gotta take down the pot when I check on the turn.
Shush.
Now you're shushing? You came to me, sister, listen and learn.
Oh, that's ironic.
Well, here we go, $5 word alert.
"Ironic.
" Let me ask you this, what pile of poop did I step in now, Ms.
Ironic.
I just think it's funny to be told to listen and learn by a man who never listens and never learns.
I listen and learn plenty.
Got me through law school.
It put chicken cutlets and mashed potatoes on your plate for 18 years.
Thank you very much.
Don't futz with your cards, you're indicating.
I appreciate what you provided for me.
What I don't appreciate, is when I tell you over and over, ad infinitum "Ad infinitum"! A $10 word, now get them while they're hot! Shush! That I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions in life.
Why is it with us always an argument? Look at them, huh? We spent all summer getting you up on two wheels.
We never argued once.
Because you had giant orange headphones on the whole time, listening to the Yankees.
Those were good headphones.
They don't make headphones like that anymore.
- Hmm.
- Straight flush.
Come to mama! Now you're ready for that game.
No kidding, I just kicked your ass.
And I just showed you how, again.
Red velvet, as in the cake.
T.
J.
called me in.
- She's in.
- Okay, hotshot, we got eyes on you.
What's the vibe in there? Same as every table I've ever sat at.
Smug-looking one, must be Hollywood.
A kid in a hoodie.
Looks way too young to even be here.
Hiya.
I'm a newbie.
Heard this was where all the big action is.
Oh, okay.
Do your parents know where you are? Yeah, I just bought them a loft in Tribeca.
Smart money's not on the kid.
Copy that.
Keep it loose, so they don't suspect you, and try to get names if you can, so we can run backgrounds.
Oh, and, uh I brought an advisor, in case you wanted a little help with the game.
Don't short stack a pocket pair.
Play the man, not the cards.
I'm excited! Oh! Is anything better than a scotch and ginger, I'm in, who's with me? Refill, please! Whoa! Did not expect to see that kind of bet on the river.
What do you expect? He's a virgin.
Virgin, means fatso's a first-timer.
He's never been in this game before.
Which basically rules him out as the perp.
Moving on.
Get us more on the sketchy Russian.
That dude could kill a guy.
Late night, comrade? She must have been something, to wear you out.
Jet lag.
Took the red-eye from Vegas, two nights ago.
Hmm.
Alex Grozny.
Call me, Sasha.
Bite me.
Sketchy Sasha checks out.
He was 30,000 feet above Santa Fe, when David was killed.
Moving on.
Hey, handsome.
I've been wondering all night, are you an actor? Director, actually.
You seen Blood Wedding IV? Oh, I stopped at III! - I'll send you a blu-ray.
- Oh! Enough chitchat, and bet already, will you? He's just mad because I crushed this game last time.
No motive if he was the big winner the night David was killed.
We're looking for the big loser.
Down to your last chips, maniac? She's tipping us off.
A maniac is a player that does a lot of aggressive betting and raising, they're dangerous.
Could be our bad guy.
You better not be dealing from the bottom.
Mmm! Time for a refill.
I didn't get your name, sweets.
- Bridget.
- Oh.
I love that name.
If I were a betting woman Oh, hello.
I am! I would say that you're no cocktail waitress.
I'd say You run this game.
And I'd say, you're not a newbie.
Not the way you play.
A hot tamale! Reminds me of Laura's mother, back in the day.
Especially that caboose! Whoo! Did not need to know that.
Okay, get back to the game.
It's time to force some hands.
Okay.
So David Sarkizian.
I heard, he really took it down the other night.
So, who did he clean out? So this is really how you're all going to play it? Well, then.
I'm all in.
You're a cop.
It's him, it's him.
We're going in.
Come on.
NYPD! - Where's Bridget? - Who? The sexy hostess.
- What about this guy? - He flipped the table on me, just stood there.
Bridget bolted the second I said David's name.
Ugh! You're welcome! Police! Stop! Move, move, move! Bridget! Bridget! You are under arrest! And if I tore these jeans, you owe me $300.
Bridget Michaels, two priors for promoting gambling, reduced to probation, no time served.
You must have one hell of a lawyer.
Do I need to call him? Come on.
Ran a little poker game.
It's a victimless crime.
Same can't be said for murder.
No idea what you're talking about.
David Sarkizian.
What happened? He run up a little gambling debt on you? You see him win 20 grand, you want it for yourself? I had nothing to do with his death.
What am I missing here? I met David a year ago.
A sweet guy.
Terrible card player.
When I heard he had a gallery I approached him about doing a little business.
Hmm, what kind of business? Cleaning my money from the game.
Ah, so David was your money launderer.
I had been using a guy named Titus Bosch.
He'd take my cash from running the game and sell me paintings.
Then I'd resell them at auction.
Voila, we got clean money.
So, why switch to Sarkizian? Bosch charged 20%.
David agreed to take 10.
He had kind of a thing for me.
So, I would never kill him.
He was my golden goose.
You can understand that, can't you, captain? We'll check out your story, Ms.
Michaels.
You better hope the cards come up in your favor.
Her statement pans out.
Auction house records found numerous sales of works that she bought from the Sarkizian Gallery.
All blue chip stuff that she could flip without the risk of losing her own money.
David was a badass.
Laundered over 300 grand for her.
So much for this little poker game.
So that cash you found on David, it wasn't his, it was Bridget's.
The art world is custom built for money laundering.
Deals made in secret, millions moved on a handshake.
My family's been buying art for generations.
Grandma Theodora's Boudoir was wall-to-wall Picasso.
Blue period, natch.
What about this Titus Bosch? Titus Bosch, 53, operates on the fringes of the art scene fencing stolen works, money laundering and so on.
Photo op.
Wait, I've seen that poseur.
Security cam inside the gallery, Bosch with Julius Sarkizian.
Neither looks particularly happy.
Yeah, and check the time stamp.
Two days before David's murder.
We need to find Bosch, now.
Oh, there's a major auction today at the Nordoff Estate.
An incredible collection.
I was hoping to stop by later, pick up some bits and Bobs.
- Nice to be you.
- Don't hate me, hate my trust fund.
I'm just saying a guy like Bosch will definitely be there.
Great, Meredith, you hit that auction.
Yeah, I'm sort of a Ebay chick.
Well, I'm stuck at my desk and Billy took Laura to the chiropractor.
That table crunched her back pretty good.
Take Max.
He seems to know his way around a gavel.
Field trip? Yes! Sold for $1.
2 million.
Congratulations, madam.
Next item.
Oh, my goddess.
That is carved and figured Mahogany Bombay.
Do you see that? I'm guessing 18th century.
- I'm in heaven.
- Of course you are.
It's a convention of you.
Oh, Bosch alert.
Looks even slimier in real life.
Who do you have to kill to get a good seat around here.
Excuse me? Max Carnegie.
My colleague, Meredith Bose.
Detective Meredith Bose.
Titus Bosch.
Carnegie, really? Well, not exactly those Carnegies.
The Connecticut Carnegies.
I know.
Well, my parents had these friends, Dean and Gerald Mussolini, we called them the Connecticut Mussolinis.
- But enough about me - Mr.
Bosch, what can you tell us about David Sarkizian? I heard what happened.
Tragedy.
We now move to lot 829.
A wonderful work from the Hudson River School.
Start the bidding at 100,000.
Do you know anything about his death? Sorry, I can't help you.
It's not what Bridget Michaels told us.
If you don't mind, this is the painting I came here to buy.
Uh, 175.
I have 175, do I hear 200? Sorry, I have a blank wall above my settee that is begging for that painting.
Mr.
Bosch, where were you the night David Sarkizian was killed? I'm not having this conversation.
The bid is 200.
- 225.
- 225.
- Thank you.
- Nut job, what are you doing? Putting a little pressure on grumpy pants, so he'll talk to us.
I so need that painting in my life, 250.
You're still the highest bidder at 225, sir.
Indeed I am.
250, unbid.
Again, we're at 225, do I hear 250? Are we finished, ladies and gentlemen? Even the Connecticut Carnegies are loaded.
He could do this all day.
You want it, you should be talking pretty.
- Fair warning.
- This is police harassment.
Sold to the eager young man at the back for $300,000.
Really? Yay! Good news, Mr.
Bosch.
My colleague has graciously agreed to sell you his new painting.
Provided you answer my questions about David.
The night David was killed, I was having dinner with a collector.
The maitre d' at Le Cirque will confirm I was there until closing.
Tell me about Bridget Michaels.
She's an associate of mine.
I arranged acquisitions for her.
You were her money launderer.
How'd you figure out she took her business to the Sarkizians? The art world is very small.
So, you went to Julius Sarkizian and threatened him for stealing your client? I reminded him, that I don't swim in the Sarkizians' pool and I didn't appreciate them dipping their toes into mine.
The next I heard, David was dead.
Do the math.
May I retrieve my painting now? Please.
Captain.
We have a new suspect.
And, spoiler alert, his last name is Sarkizian.
Hey.
So, what did the chiropractor say? Next time someone throws a table at me, move.
I spoke to Reynaldo, turns out the sticky substance in David's wound, is a glue used in high-end art frames.
What do you know? And there's our guy.
Very busy, detectives.
Our group show opens tonight.
Well, then we will get right to it.
Why didn't you tell us that your son was laundering money? We did talk to Titus Bosch.
Oh, that crook.
All he knows how to sell are lies.
You must have known it was the truth.
How else would you account for David's sudden jump in sales? He wasn't exactly employee of the month.
And honestly, sir, you didn't seem surprised or upset to find out that your own son was dead.
You have no idea how I feel.
I think you feel guilty.
I think Bosch told you what was happening underneath your own roof, and you couldn't risk having a story like that come out, it would ruin you.
That's ridiculous.
I'm gonna show you just how clean an operation we run.
Every transaction is recorded - by hand.
- Ooh! Stronger than Elmer's.
Did David handle this? David wasn't trained in restoration.
That's interesting.
Because there was framer's glue on David's body, in and around the fatal wound.
Mr.
Sarkizian? Not another word until I speak to my lawyer.
Fair enough.
In that case, you're under arrest.
I must say, I'm quite surprised, Mr.
Sarkizian.
And you're prepared to sign a full confession? I want to avoid a public trial.
Angela's suffered enough.
Talk us through exactly what happened the night of the incident.
When I found out what David was doing behind my back, I went and confronted him.
And what transpired during that confrontation? He wouldn't listen.
He refused to stop.
So I became so enraged I I grabbed a brick off the ground, and smashed his head.
And what happened to this brick? I threw it in a dumpster.
I imagine it's gone by now.
In here.
This way, this way, this way.
- Mommy! Mommy! - Mommy! Why did you bring them to the precinct? And why are they covered in - Ice cream! - Ice cream! Grandpa Leo got it for us.
It was awesome! Look, the boys wanted to try that kitchen sink sundae.
You know, the one you told them you have to be I told them that because a five-pound sundae isn't appropriate for six-year-olds.
Well, they didn't eat all of it.
I had a taste.
It wasn't bad.
Okay, you guys.
Okay! Okay, I want you to sit.
No eye contact, with the bad guys.
- All right, I get it.
- Okay? Grandpa and mommy, need to have a talk.
What? The one thing, the only thing I said, was no sweets! Why can't you listen? We wanted to do something fun.
Climb a tree! Throw a ball! You can play three-card monte! Loosen up! You're so restrictive! Have a drink.
Ever your tight-ass mother unclenched after a melon ball.
This is not about mom! This is about you, once again, bending over backwards to undermine my judgment.
As far as you're concerned, I never do anything right.
Not true.
You married the right guy.
Then you had to go and screw that up.
Oh, okay.
We are back to Thanksgiving, great.
Great, let's talk about Thanksgiving.
What's there to say? I order in a nice dinner, you show up, you make a huge scene, and you storm out.
You invited Jake! Right after I found out that he was cheating on me.
I wanted you to work things out.
Yeah, but I didn't want to work things out.
It isn't your job to fix my marriage, or my life.
- Not true! - Oh! It is.
It's called being a father.
Oh, my God! - You're right.
- Thank you.
Finally a little respect! Hey, I wasn't done.
Julius asked for a lawyer after looking up David's sales, right? Uh-huh.
Angela wrote down her cell for me.
- Same handwriting.
- Exactly.
When Julius saw that Angela had entered David's sales, he knew that she was in on the money laundering.
This guy isn't a murderer, he's a father.
Like Leo.
- Leo? - Yes.
If he thinks that his daughter did something terrible, he would do anything to fix it.
You think he confessed to cover for Angela? After Bosch's visit, she must have decided to solve things herself.
And daddy takes the fall before we pin the murder on his only remaining child.
But if he sticks with his confession, no judge is going to put Angela away.
Unless we get proof.
We've got to get to the gallery opening.
Before the hors d'oeuvres are gone.
Oh, score! - Too dry? - Mmm-mmm.
Too sweet? Too salty? Oh.
"Let them eat cupcake, "raw meat with lard frosting.
" Excuse me.
Oh, good champagne.
There she is.
I'll distract her.
Tell her the bad news about her dad.
You check upstairs.
- Murder weapon? - That is unclear.
It is an odd-shaped wound, that's for sure.
Angela, Angela.
I was bringing Angela up to speed about her father's confession.
I just can't believe it.
Neither could we.
I wanted to ask you about a piece that caught my eye.
Where did you find that? I was looking for the bathroom, and I took a wrong turn into your office.
It's not currently for sale.
Oh, well, newsflash.
A bedazzled bowling pin will never sell.
But it would make a perfect murder weapon.
Excuse me? You helped David launder money.
Do we really have to do this now? Right now.
Uh David saw a way to make some money, and get out of my father's shadow.
I knew what it would mean for him, so I entered his sales in the book.
What happened when Titus Bosch met with your father? Dad was livid.
As angry as I have ever seen him.
So, that night, my boyfriend, Will, and I told David he had to stop.
But David said he needed one more deal.
And you couldn't bear having your father find out, so you took matters into your own hands.
What? I would never kill my own brother.
That piece wasn't there before.
No.
Will just finished installing it today.
It's called, "99 bottles of beer, not on the wall.
" He collects them from bars around town.
Would you excuse us a minute? It's Will.
The boyfriend? How do you figure? Those bottles.
The beer I drank in college.
Remember the torn labels at the crime scene? Will must have bided his time rummaging through the recycling when he was waiting for David to come out of the bar.
Hey, Will.
How's it going tonight, Will? I've been better.
Yeah.
It's one thing for your girlfriend to get you into a gallery show, another to get people to buy.
Is that why you asked David to sell your pieces to Bridget Michaels? I'm sorry, who? - Will? - Problem was, in order to launder the money David could only sell Bridget pieces that she could resell later.
David told you he was only going to sell to Bridget one more time, so you went to that poker game in order to convince him that his last sale should be one of your pieces.
We even know which one.
I bet that you used framer's glue to attach those crystals.
You showed David this piece, he refused to take it, you lost your temper, and you took a swing.
No, you can't prove that.
Oh, but we will, when we confirm your fingerprints on the murder weapon.
I I made that piece, all right? Of course it has my fingerprints on it.
Oh, yeah? So, this is your blood? So when we test it, it's not gonna come up as David's blood.
I I didn't mean I didn't mean to kill It just it happened.
- Oh, my God! - You're going to jail, Will.
- For a very long time.
- Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
Broken bottle.
Clever.
I like to break bottles too! No! Oh! 93 bottles of beer 92 bottles of beer on the wall 92 bottles of beer Take one down pass it around 91 bottles of beer on the wall The zombies are coming.
Oh, my goodness! - I'll get it! - No, I'll get it.
See who it is first.
Grandpa! Heya, boys, how are ya? Hey, listen, boys, your mom and I need a minute.
So, uh, why don't you guys beat each other up in the den for a while.
Not for real! Yes? Um Well, how was your case? Caught the killer.
Pitched a one-hitter.
That's my girl.
- Who did it? - Sister's fiance.
The irony is Her father was about to go to prison for her.
Again with the irony.
How is that ironic? He was trying to save his daughter, but she didn't need saving.
You're killing me, Raggedy.
I'm sorry, all right? Jeez.
Was that an actual apology? Look, the only reason why I tried to save your marriage is I didn't want you to wind up like me, all alone in some crapola apartment eating frozen dinners.
Ouch.
We almost never eat these.
It's like a solar eclipse.
Oh, of course it is.
Um Could I stay a while, and read some non-violent, politically correct bedtime stories to the guys? Hey I even brought dessert.
Go play with them.
I'll, uh I'll peel open another one of these.
Oh, by the way, uh, it says three minutes on the box, but forget it, - if you go over two, you'll - Shush! Go play.
All right, boys, name of the game is five card draw, and, uh, you know I taught your mother everything she knows, but I didn't teach her everything I know.
All right.
You got any money? What are we going to use? Candy?