The Neighbors s01e07 Episode Script

My name is Debbie Weaver.
This is my family.
This is our old apartment in Bayonne, New Jersey.
My husband Marty got us a deal on a town house Nicer neighborhood, wider streets.
Just one little problem.
Our neighbors are all from another planet Literally.
So, hon, big anniversary.
What are we gonna do tonight to celebrate 17 years of love? Oh, Max, wash your hands.
Abby, move.
Max put his potty hands on my face! - Max! - Come on.
So tonightdinner out with the kids? - Bistro philippe? - I love bistro philippe.
- No way! - I hate bistro philippe! - Since when? - Since always.
Their food is shiny.
- Okay, how 'bout jacopo's? - Ooh! No, there was a scary dog there once.
- Take-out? - Order in? - Pizza? - Delivery? - Frozen? - Happy anniversary.
Stupid power went out again! God, this is the third time this morning.
Must be aliens.
Oh, hello, Weavers! Larry Bird, the Weavers are here.
So sorry.
It's just that our power keeps going out, and, uh, we, um We were just What the hell is going on around here? It's mating season.
- Oh, god.
- We do apologize for the power outages.
Our mating causes them.
So all of these people are doing it? Oh, absolutely not.
No, they're just presenting.
Oh, wait, no.
Billie Jean King and Johnny Unitas are, indeed, doing it.
Oh, I say, nice move, Johnny! Yes, uh, Billie Jean is a lucky lady! Oh, my god.
Amber Weaver? I have your biology book.
Okay.
Bring it up.
Ooh! Is my son not adorable? It is his first mating season.
And if he's anything like his father, You'd better keep your flashlights handy.
- Because the power will be going out - Yeah, we - Because of his prowess.
- We got it, Larry.
S01E07 Why am I here for a sex talk with our daughter? I mean, this is you, isn't it? You're supposed to handle the talky stuff.
I do the discipline and the baseball.
You don't just get to pick and choose the easy stuff.
Besides, this is a 2-parent job.
Amber's getting older, And we just moved her into a neighborhood - with mating extraterrestrials.
- Whoa! So not okay.
Respect boundaries! Good morning, sunshine.
So, you seem to be very interested in this gentleman.
- Who is he? - Please tell me you didn't just ask who Mark Ruffalo is.
Have you seriously not seen "the kids are all right"? Oh, no.
That's right.
I forgot.
You two only go to the big, crap-fest studio movies.
He played the Hulk in "The avengers.
" - Oh! Mark ruffalo.
Yeah.
- Oh! Loved him.
Loved him.
So, baby, we have to talk to you about something that's a little grown-up.
We wondered if you had any questions for us now that you're getting older.
Seriously? The sex talk? Awesome, 'cause I haven't learned Everything there is to know from tv, movies, the fifth grade health class, the seventh grade health class, the ninth grade health class.
So the real question, parents, is do you have any questions for me? Because I'm pretty sure I have more answers than you do.
Whew.
Does all of that mean that you've already done things? For example, Reggie Jackson apparently is becoming a man, or whatever he is, so Okay.
"a"ew.
- There doesn't seem to be a "b.
" - "Ew" is good enough for me.
If you're asking me this because it's alien mating season, don't worry.
I have no intention of doing it with an alien.
- So you know about mating season? - Obvi.
Their mating, is, like, the most intense spiritual connection two beings can have.
But you wouldn't understand.
Now if you're done asking me stupid stuff, Boundaries Learn about 'em.
God! Okay, so no alien babies bursting out of her chest anytime soon.
I'm gonna go eat some nachos and lay down.
What does she mean, "it's really intense," that "we wouldn't understand"? We really take different things from conversations.
I was talking to Amber this morning, and she was alluding to this very intense thing that you do.
For example you and Larry Bird sleep in separate pods, so what, actually, um Howhow does he touch you? Oh! He touches me here.
With what? Oh, our intimacy isn't physical.
No.
We connect spiritually.
Exchanging compliments and romantic feelings of togetherness until finally, at an emotional moment of complete togetherness we are one.
Hot damn.
Marty is the worst with compliments.
He says it makes him feel stupid getting all "chick flick girl schmoopy.
" I mean, the closest I get is when he's really into me, he looks at me, and he's like "Debbie Weaver.
" It's not really a compliment.
Well, the way he says it, it's super - No, it's not really a compliment, no.
- No, it's not.
While we're on the subject, How do humans You know Oh, well, as humans, we hug and we kiss.
You know, we touch.
You touch? - How? - Well, in our case, Marty and I have perfected a highly efficient, where everyone gets what they want before a kid walks in.
And, you know, it's super emotional.
Hello, Amber Weaver.
Please forgive me if I don't look you in the eye.
I'm in heat and afraid I will uncontrollably connect with you.
Don't worry about it.
This is high school.
Everyone's in heat.
Look around.
I see.
Oh, man.
Speaking of being in heat.
Hi, Jeremy.
Hi.
Hey, Roberto's parents are out of town.
Cool house on the golf course.
You can, like, see tons of stars.
You down to come? Yeah, sure.
I like golf.
Stars.
Phil Mickelson.
It was a golf joke.
Cool.
I'll see you later.
You're welcome to bring your foreign exchange friend.
Hola.
Marty, come in here a minute.
Ho, ho.
Somebody's playing our sexy song, huh? I thought we'd take an anniversary bath together.
Drink some wine, Exchange sweet nothings.
Yeah, honey, that is such a sweet idea.
But you know how I feel about baths You're sitting in your own muck, things that are supposed to dangle float.
I was talking to Jackie about how they do things.
And then I thought about how we do things, And I thought at maybe we could be connecting more romantically.
What?! We rule in that department! Three moves, ten minutes, everyone's happy? The Weaver three in ten is one of our finer achievements, right? - What, no? - Right, right, But I wasn't talking about, um I was talking more romance.
I mean, when was the last time you, like, told me what you love about me? You know how I feel about you.
Debbie Weaver.
I know.
That's sweet.
But, um, I mean, we had frozen pizza for our anniversary, And we didn't you know, - I just think we should take a bath.
- Honey, I love you.
But honestly, I'm a little crampy from the pizza.
You know, I think I'm aging out of pepperoni.
But here's what we do You finish your wine while you take a nice bath.
You relax.
I'm gonna watch "sportscenter," okay? I'm gonna take some gas-x, And then I'm gonna romance the crap out of you - when you get - Ugh.
Forget about it.
What? What, no? Honey? Wife? I have arranged a setting and await your love.
Va-va-voom! Wife.
Why aren't you wearing more clothes? Husband, we have these human bodies.
Wee should enjoy them the way they do.
What do you mean? - Oh, no.
No, I don't like that.
- Yes.
Just try it.
No, no, no.
No, okay.
That doesn't feel - What about - What are you doing? - Take them off.
- No, I need those.
- Sorry, okay.
- Otherwise, I won't be able to eat.
Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
But I want to tell you what I love about your personality.
- Oh, just come closer.
- Look, Istop this! I really don't know what sort of weird you think I'm into, but I have no desire to touch you, wife.
Really! It was awful! Your wife gave my wife revolting new ideas.
Jackie Joyner-Kersee was all over me.
What'd you do? Well, I told her I found her human body disgusting, because it is.
No, I messed up.
Oh, you know, I am the worst at telling her what she likes to hear.
It literally makes me itch.
You know, she just wanted to connect - and take a bath with me.
- Ugh.
- The thought of you floating in a bath - Yeah, I know.
- It's just way too much - The floating - information, Marty.
- I don't get it.
While we're at it, I really hate to ask you this, but Debbie seems to be interested in how you guys You know, do things.
- So if you - Come with me to my garage.
I will show you everything.
Okay, but, Larry, I can't stress enough how much I prefer telling over showing.
Telling over showing.
This is an instructional film from our planet, Meant to educate our blossoming youth.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Fire it up.
Welcome to instructional module number 7 Your first mating season.
No doubt you've been noticing some changes in your body and in your mind.
Maybe your back humps are beginning to swell and drop.
I'll fast-forward through puberty.
That would be wonderful.
Don't be surprised if an unexpected compliment suddenly springs to your lips.
It's natural and should be expressed.
"I appreciate your looks and mind.
" "and I yours.
" Wonderful.
Next, the male and female exchange unfiltered truths, Until finally, they speakthe same truth at the same moment.
This is consummation.
Let us demonstrate.
Okay, that's good enough for me.
Yeah.
Feeling a little steamy.
And now module 8 earth invasion.
Phase one kill all the bees.
Oh, that was nothing.
Good night, Marty.
Thanks for the ride, Amber Weaver.
Don't mention it.
Seriously, don't.
I don't want people to know we came together.
Hey.
You came.
Yeah, I came.
A few of us are about to head out to the golf course.
You feel like taking a walk? - Yeah, sure.
- Great.
There are chips and american movies in the other room.
Meet you outside? Yeah.
Come on, Misty, let's go.
Shut up, Tiffany.
Amber, I don't know if you noticed this, but it seems boys and girls are pairing off and going where Jeremy wants to go with you.
Yes, I got that.
I understand.
Are you okay? No, I'm not.
I'm kind of freaking out.
Will you just fake an emergency and get me out of this, okay? I shall save you, Amber Weaver.
- Amber! You coming? - Totes! Well, hello, wife.
What's going on? Oh, I'll tell you what's going on.
Chaka Khan is on, I'm in a robe, and I would like to shower you with the sweet language of love.
So why don't you join me here on my love blanket? What makes it a love blanket? Well, it's a blanket and I'm in love.
Husband? Wife, I've got something for you under my slip.
A bra.
Seductive purr.
Debbie, I want to give you what you need, okay? And if it's giving this alien routine a try, I'm in.
Really? You know it requires a lot of talkin'.
Oh, I have a veritable buttload of nice things to say to you.
All right.
Let's do this.
Okay, great.
So listen, it starts with compliments, and then we move into exchanging truths Whatever comes to mind, okay? So I will start.
Your hair looks beautiful.
Oh, please.
I haven't washed it in, like, three days.
Okay.
Uh, the lady is moving into truth telling.
That's good.
So tell me more.
You know, tell me what is the most real, honest thing that pops into your mind.
Go ahead.
Actually, I haven't washed it in four days.
Okay.
Something else that pops into your mind.
We are overdrawn on the checking account.
Okay, yeah.
You thank you for telling me that.
While we're at it, I think the van needs some oil.
Seriously? 'cause I just gave it a quart.
There's gotta be a leak.
Well, maybe it's time for us to buy a new van.
- Can't afford a down payment.
- But we keep pouring money into the old one.
Maybe we should just - Lease.
- Refinance.
- You see? That didn't work.
- No.
What I was gonna say "lease.
" I was thinking "lease.
" I was almost.
Honey.
I really appreciate this effort.
I do.
But I think I'm stirring a pot that doesn't need to be stirred.
I don't need poetry.
I'm good.
- We have further questions.
- Oh! Okay.
Of course you do.
While I have been successful at human mating, Jackie Joyner-Kersee remains unable to achieve satisfaction.
Is that normal? - No.
- Yeah.
Damn.
How do you stage an emergency that'll break up a human sex party? Oh, honey, I know what this looks like, - but this isn't a sex party.
- Not you.
Amber.
What?! So you see that star right there? That's the milky way.
And the one just above it, right there? That's the southern cross.
You know a lot.
Yeah.
You seem kind of nervous.
You know what? I am nervous.
You're extremely popular.
And I'm looking around at all the other girls here, and they're all really popular, too.
But people also call them "slutbags" an awful lot.
Also, the milky way isn't a star, and the southern cross is in the southern hemisphere, and bad astronomy is just, like, a really big turn-off.
I was faking being good at astronomy.
Whatever.
I'm covered in bronzer.
Well, look, Amber, We could just hang out.
It's all cool.
I'm coming, baby! Daddy'll save you! Respect yourself, honey! Oh, my god.
- Attack! - You should run.
Go.
I will hunt you down, you! Tell me you didn't bring parents into a plan - designed to keep me from looking lame.
- I didn't? - What's going on? - Honey, are you okay? Oh, yes, mother.
I'm wonderful.
Reggie Jackson said you needed rescuing, So we're here.
I'm humiliated.
- I'll go talk to her.
- Actually, no.
I think it's time that I expand my duties.
Hey.
Sorry we embarrassed you.
I don't know why I got so nervous.
He probably just wanted to make out.
Make out? Right, cool.
That's cool.
I just I don't know why I freaked out.
Well, honey, probably for the same reason I'm so bad at talking about this stuff, because it's confusing.
I know you think you got it all figured out because you wear black and you know how to use google, but it's complicated.
I mean, look at all of us, okay? We're like 100, And we're still trying to sort this stuff out.
- You are really old for this.
- I'm very old.
He got away.
We got a hunk of his hair for the dogs.
We'll have him by daybreak.
I'm also sorry for that.
Look, my point is that I'm gonna always be here if you need to talk.
Okay? I might not be good at it, okay? I might throw up.
But I love you, okay? So I'm gonna keep trying.
Did you see that? She didn't yell at me.
- She kissed me.
- I know, honey.
I saw it.
I saw it, and you being a great dad to your daughter is the sexiest thing in the world to me.
Oh, yeah? What else you want me to do to our daughter? Wow.
That's not what I I when I was thinking I knew it came out the wrong way.
You know what? It's okay.
It's okay.
You don't always have to say the right thing.
And by the way, the Weaver three in ten is frickin' awesome! - Yeah, it is.
- Yeah.
I'm no good with words, Deb.
You know? There's not a lot of poets coming out of bayonne.
But you're my whole world.
You have to know that.
If I don't say that enough, That's because words aren't enough.
At least not the ones I know.
Marty Weaver.
- Oh, that's how you do it.
- Oh, that's how you do it.
- Apologies, Amber.
- Just stop.
You're killing me with the constant humiliating me and then apologizing.
You've got to do better.
I know.
But aside from all the horror, you did come through in your own way.
And having you around, it actually feels like I have a real - Sister.
- Friend.
Oh, my god, you're such a - Loser.
- Loser.
Well, this is uncomfortable.
That's not good.