The New Batman Adventures (1997) s01e07 Episode Script
Joker's Millions
Missed me.
Hey! - Quick.
More bullets.
- Sorry, pudding, that was the last clip.
You know how expensive they are.
Sounds like someone turned off your cash flow.
If it's a flow you want, I'm happy to oblige.
My eye! Sucker.
Come on! Well, that was a complete fiasco.
If we weren't so strapped for cash, I'd never have touched this job.
- Give me the loot.
- Don't you have it? Me? You were the last one to I thought I told you to get gas! We're broke, remember? What was I supposed to do fill the tank, shoot the guy and drive off? Now you tell me.
Time to eject.
- Hey, where's mine? - Sorry, kiddo.
I could only afford one.
You cheap, penny-pinching, pasty-faced creep! I'll get you for this, you lousy tightwad! A letter came for you today, Mr.
Kerr.
By the way, you're two weeks late with your rent.
Sue me.
Alas, the bitter jest of fate.
The once-mighty Joker without two nickels to rub together.
Yeah, yeah.
You're hungry, I'm hungry.
Do me a favor and eat each other, will you? "Dear sir, we regret to inform you of the passing of Mr.
Edward, a.
k.
a.
"King" Barlowe" There's good news.
I hated him.
"who, in accordance with his last wishes, has bequeathed to you the total two hundred and fifty million dollars.
" Good old King Barlowe.
I take back almost all the nasty things I ever said about him.
Bud, Lou, our ship has come in, boys.
We're gonna spend, spend, spend.
And I know just what we'll buy first.
If a man's filled with glee, that man must go free.
That was the scene outside the city courthouse today where, after weeks of litigation the Joker's criminal record has been wiped clean by his one-time gangland rival, King Barlowe.
As followers of this remarkable story know, Gotham's most notorious criminal was recently willed a huge fortune in cash, jewels and gold.
It doesn't make sense.
King hated the Joker, but he left him everything.
I was King's bodyguard for 10 years, and he left me zip.
Armed with his newfound wealth, the Joker put together a pricey defense team to polish his less-than-sterling reputation.
The Joker is not some animal to be locked away in a cage.
He's a thinking, feeling human being.
I subjected him to a thorough psychological examination assessing his subconscious reflex responses to the most provocative of stimuli.
And I can safely say he is a criminal no more.
How do you respond to charges that Joker is simply bribing his way to freedom? I won't even dignify that with a response.
And there you have it.
At this hour, the Joker is not only a free man - but a wealthy one.
- There's justice for you.
Well, now that he's rich, maybe he'll give up crime.
Right.
I'll call Dick.
You sure the Joker's inside? Penguin's throwing him a "going legit" party.
Sorry, we're full up tonight.
Gee, you'd never think Penguin would turn away the police commissioner's daughter.
Egad, Gordon's brat.
My dear Miss Gordon, how nice to see you.
Welcome, have fun.
And by all means, send the bill to me.
- Thank you, Mr.
Cobblepot.
- Lousy little freeloader.
- What's the scheme this time, Joker? - No scheme at all, old bird.
I'm free, I'm rich and I'm loving it.
I'm sure old Batboy is eating his heart out.
Living well is the best revenge.
All set? Let's do it.
Everybody down! Not you, clown.
I should have been the one to get Barlowe's money.
At least I'll make sure you'll never enjoy it.
I hope you've made out your will, Joker.
Well done, kiddies.
We were trying to save innocent lives.
You're just an unpleasant bonus.
Be that as it may, your grateful Uncle Joker wants to thank you.
Here, stick this in your piggy banks.
Let the good times roll! You're pathetic, you know that? Come on, Red.
So Mr.
J got a little stressed over money.
Now that he's loaded, pudding will buy my way out too.
Oh, yeah, right.
Sure thing, Harl.
"Joker seeks new henchgirl"? I'll kill him! Hey, boss.
Why didn't you buy Harley a ticket out of the bin too? Now, now, Ernie.
Mustn't be too extravagant.
Besides, it's cheaper to hire a new one.
Too fat.
Too small.
Too old.
No.
Darn! Drown the kids and shoot the neighbors.
We've got a winner.
Thank you, Mr.
G.
I promise I'll be the best Harley ever.
Maybe I should've hired the fat guy.
Ernie, take fake Harley here and show her the ropes.
- You got it.
- This job has a 401 (k) plan, right? - Sure.
- Excuse me, Mr.
Joker.
Sorry, the henchgirl role has been filled.
And quite nicely too.
Oh, no, sir.
I'm not here for a job.
My name is Perry.
- I'm from the Internal Revenue Service.
- Oh, yes.
Seems I've heard of that little organization.
Then you must realize, as Mr.
Barlowe's sole beneficiary you owe us a tidy bit of inheritance tax.
Now, 250 million minus Uncle Sam's current state and federal percentages This should clear up your account.
A hundred and thirty-seven million? Yes, and if I don't pay up, I'll go to jail for tax evasion.
I'm crazy enough to take on Batman.
But the IRS? No, thank you.
- Hey, Mr.
G, this money looks weird.
- What do you mean? It's a plain old pack of hundreds.
See? There's Ben Franklin's chubby little What? King Barlowe? - He's on this stack.
And this one.
- He's on every one of these thousands.
- I don't understand.
- Hey, boss.
I found this.
Hiya, Joker.
If you're playing this tape you probably figured out you've been had.
Yeah, I left you some cash, but only 10 million which, knowing you, you've already blown.
All the other stuff, money, jewels and gold, it's all fake.
See? I always hated your guts, and this was the perfect payback.
By now you're probably out of real money.
The IRS is after you.
And you can't admit I fooled you or you'll be the laughingstock of the underworld.
The joke's on you, sucker.
I got the last laugh after all.
If I don't pay my taxes, I'll go to jail but if I admit Barlowe duped me, I'll look like a fool.
You could raise cash by pulling one of your classic routines.
- Like them laughing fish.
- Good idea, Ernie.
Let's let Batman know I did it so he can kick my keister right back into Arkham.
Dope.
- Fake Harley, any ideas? - Anything you say, Mr.
G.
No, boss! Who'd ever think I'd miss the real one? Harley Quinn's escaped! - Seal all exits! - Maybe she went down the laundry chute.
None of these yahoos are crazy enough to pull that old stunt.
Help, help! Ivy! Anybody! Get me out of here! My dear Mr.
Wayne, I'm delighted to have you in my humble nest.
I thought I'd take in the atmosphere.
Well, well, Bruce Wayne.
Join me.
A bottle of your best, my dear.
- For my guest.
- You'll understand if I refuse.
The last time we met, you tried to throw me off a building.
I did? Well, that was so long ago.
It was last month.
Well, gotta be going.
This is starting to get to me.
Should have used more makeup, Ernie.
Why the disguise, Ernie? Where is he? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- He can't threaten my guests.
- Let me jog your memory.
- No! Armored car one, report.
Routine money disbursal from Gotham Mint proceeding as planned.
Good.
Your police escort is waiting.
Stop! No laughing gas, no grins no way Batboy can trace this back to me.
Hey, keep the boat in the water.
This definitely wasn't in the job description.
It's been so long since I've seen the real thing.
Hello, Ben, George, Abe.
No! No! My fortune! Don't be stupid.
You can't save that money.
I don't want to save it, I want to go with it.
You'd better call your fancy lawyers.
Here.
It's on me.
Honest, they told me it was an Equity gig.
Okay, get him out of here.
After all, it's only money.
So I'll let the taxpayers foot my bill again.
Besides, it'll be nice to see the old gang.
One of them's dying to see you too, pudding.
- Harley? - The one and only.
You You don't know how happy I am to see you.
Welcome to the club.
Now, baby, I can explain.
Hey! - Quick.
More bullets.
- Sorry, pudding, that was the last clip.
You know how expensive they are.
Sounds like someone turned off your cash flow.
If it's a flow you want, I'm happy to oblige.
My eye! Sucker.
Come on! Well, that was a complete fiasco.
If we weren't so strapped for cash, I'd never have touched this job.
- Give me the loot.
- Don't you have it? Me? You were the last one to I thought I told you to get gas! We're broke, remember? What was I supposed to do fill the tank, shoot the guy and drive off? Now you tell me.
Time to eject.
- Hey, where's mine? - Sorry, kiddo.
I could only afford one.
You cheap, penny-pinching, pasty-faced creep! I'll get you for this, you lousy tightwad! A letter came for you today, Mr.
Kerr.
By the way, you're two weeks late with your rent.
Sue me.
Alas, the bitter jest of fate.
The once-mighty Joker without two nickels to rub together.
Yeah, yeah.
You're hungry, I'm hungry.
Do me a favor and eat each other, will you? "Dear sir, we regret to inform you of the passing of Mr.
Edward, a.
k.
a.
"King" Barlowe" There's good news.
I hated him.
"who, in accordance with his last wishes, has bequeathed to you the total two hundred and fifty million dollars.
" Good old King Barlowe.
I take back almost all the nasty things I ever said about him.
Bud, Lou, our ship has come in, boys.
We're gonna spend, spend, spend.
And I know just what we'll buy first.
If a man's filled with glee, that man must go free.
That was the scene outside the city courthouse today where, after weeks of litigation the Joker's criminal record has been wiped clean by his one-time gangland rival, King Barlowe.
As followers of this remarkable story know, Gotham's most notorious criminal was recently willed a huge fortune in cash, jewels and gold.
It doesn't make sense.
King hated the Joker, but he left him everything.
I was King's bodyguard for 10 years, and he left me zip.
Armed with his newfound wealth, the Joker put together a pricey defense team to polish his less-than-sterling reputation.
The Joker is not some animal to be locked away in a cage.
He's a thinking, feeling human being.
I subjected him to a thorough psychological examination assessing his subconscious reflex responses to the most provocative of stimuli.
And I can safely say he is a criminal no more.
How do you respond to charges that Joker is simply bribing his way to freedom? I won't even dignify that with a response.
And there you have it.
At this hour, the Joker is not only a free man - but a wealthy one.
- There's justice for you.
Well, now that he's rich, maybe he'll give up crime.
Right.
I'll call Dick.
You sure the Joker's inside? Penguin's throwing him a "going legit" party.
Sorry, we're full up tonight.
Gee, you'd never think Penguin would turn away the police commissioner's daughter.
Egad, Gordon's brat.
My dear Miss Gordon, how nice to see you.
Welcome, have fun.
And by all means, send the bill to me.
- Thank you, Mr.
Cobblepot.
- Lousy little freeloader.
- What's the scheme this time, Joker? - No scheme at all, old bird.
I'm free, I'm rich and I'm loving it.
I'm sure old Batboy is eating his heart out.
Living well is the best revenge.
All set? Let's do it.
Everybody down! Not you, clown.
I should have been the one to get Barlowe's money.
At least I'll make sure you'll never enjoy it.
I hope you've made out your will, Joker.
Well done, kiddies.
We were trying to save innocent lives.
You're just an unpleasant bonus.
Be that as it may, your grateful Uncle Joker wants to thank you.
Here, stick this in your piggy banks.
Let the good times roll! You're pathetic, you know that? Come on, Red.
So Mr.
J got a little stressed over money.
Now that he's loaded, pudding will buy my way out too.
Oh, yeah, right.
Sure thing, Harl.
"Joker seeks new henchgirl"? I'll kill him! Hey, boss.
Why didn't you buy Harley a ticket out of the bin too? Now, now, Ernie.
Mustn't be too extravagant.
Besides, it's cheaper to hire a new one.
Too fat.
Too small.
Too old.
No.
Darn! Drown the kids and shoot the neighbors.
We've got a winner.
Thank you, Mr.
G.
I promise I'll be the best Harley ever.
Maybe I should've hired the fat guy.
Ernie, take fake Harley here and show her the ropes.
- You got it.
- This job has a 401 (k) plan, right? - Sure.
- Excuse me, Mr.
Joker.
Sorry, the henchgirl role has been filled.
And quite nicely too.
Oh, no, sir.
I'm not here for a job.
My name is Perry.
- I'm from the Internal Revenue Service.
- Oh, yes.
Seems I've heard of that little organization.
Then you must realize, as Mr.
Barlowe's sole beneficiary you owe us a tidy bit of inheritance tax.
Now, 250 million minus Uncle Sam's current state and federal percentages This should clear up your account.
A hundred and thirty-seven million? Yes, and if I don't pay up, I'll go to jail for tax evasion.
I'm crazy enough to take on Batman.
But the IRS? No, thank you.
- Hey, Mr.
G, this money looks weird.
- What do you mean? It's a plain old pack of hundreds.
See? There's Ben Franklin's chubby little What? King Barlowe? - He's on this stack.
And this one.
- He's on every one of these thousands.
- I don't understand.
- Hey, boss.
I found this.
Hiya, Joker.
If you're playing this tape you probably figured out you've been had.
Yeah, I left you some cash, but only 10 million which, knowing you, you've already blown.
All the other stuff, money, jewels and gold, it's all fake.
See? I always hated your guts, and this was the perfect payback.
By now you're probably out of real money.
The IRS is after you.
And you can't admit I fooled you or you'll be the laughingstock of the underworld.
The joke's on you, sucker.
I got the last laugh after all.
If I don't pay my taxes, I'll go to jail but if I admit Barlowe duped me, I'll look like a fool.
You could raise cash by pulling one of your classic routines.
- Like them laughing fish.
- Good idea, Ernie.
Let's let Batman know I did it so he can kick my keister right back into Arkham.
Dope.
- Fake Harley, any ideas? - Anything you say, Mr.
G.
No, boss! Who'd ever think I'd miss the real one? Harley Quinn's escaped! - Seal all exits! - Maybe she went down the laundry chute.
None of these yahoos are crazy enough to pull that old stunt.
Help, help! Ivy! Anybody! Get me out of here! My dear Mr.
Wayne, I'm delighted to have you in my humble nest.
I thought I'd take in the atmosphere.
Well, well, Bruce Wayne.
Join me.
A bottle of your best, my dear.
- For my guest.
- You'll understand if I refuse.
The last time we met, you tried to throw me off a building.
I did? Well, that was so long ago.
It was last month.
Well, gotta be going.
This is starting to get to me.
Should have used more makeup, Ernie.
Why the disguise, Ernie? Where is he? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- He can't threaten my guests.
- Let me jog your memory.
- No! Armored car one, report.
Routine money disbursal from Gotham Mint proceeding as planned.
Good.
Your police escort is waiting.
Stop! No laughing gas, no grins no way Batboy can trace this back to me.
Hey, keep the boat in the water.
This definitely wasn't in the job description.
It's been so long since I've seen the real thing.
Hello, Ben, George, Abe.
No! No! My fortune! Don't be stupid.
You can't save that money.
I don't want to save it, I want to go with it.
You'd better call your fancy lawyers.
Here.
It's on me.
Honest, they told me it was an Equity gig.
Okay, get him out of here.
After all, it's only money.
So I'll let the taxpayers foot my bill again.
Besides, it'll be nice to see the old gang.
One of them's dying to see you too, pudding.
- Harley? - The one and only.
You You don't know how happy I am to see you.
Welcome to the club.
Now, baby, I can explain.