The Odd Couple (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

Oscar Madison Show, this is Dani.
Yes, I am as sexy as I sound.
No, I will not describe my feet.
But they are big enough to kick your ass.
Stay on the line, he'll take your call when the show starts.
You big freak.
Where's Oscar? He's still asleep and the show starts in four minutes.
Ah, I was afraid of that.
We went to the Knicks game last night.
Won it in double overtime.
Then we went double overtime at the bar.
Feels like we lost that one.
I already tried to wake him, but he threw half a meatball sub at me.
Oh so he still has half a sub left? Oh, damn.
Agent's work is never done.
Rise and shine, champ! (groans) All right, let's go.
You're on the air in three minutes.
- (groans) - Ah! Sleeping in your clothes.
Just like a Navy SEAL.
Good call.
Let's try the other way, superstar.
(groans) Oh, you're wearing pants today.
Thank you.
Okay, let's set you up right here.
Coffee.
- Donut.
- (groans) Another donut.
DANI: On the air in three, two One! Good morning, friends and enemies.
Welcome to The Oscar Madison Show.
The Knicks won last night and the Celtics lost, so all is right in the world.
Although I'm guessing Paulie from Boston will disagree.
Morning, Paulie.
PAULIE: You suck, Madison.
And your Knicks got lucky last night.
Well, you know who else got lucky last night? Me.
But such is the charmed life of a Knicks fan.
How'd you spend your night, Paulie? Crying into your Larry Bird body pillow? Thanks for waking me up, Teddy.
But I would have been there on time.
Please, I saved your ass.
Just like I did last night at the bar when you challenged that guy to a dance-off.
Oh, God.
Did I at least win? A 2:00 a.
m.
dance-off? There are no winners.
Oscar.
You'll never guess what happened.
You bought new tea towels? They added a fourth tenor? I hate that I know this stuff.
FELIX: No.
Today I was taking some publicity photos for a big TV exec and I overheard him talking about a sports talk show called The First String.
With Rich Eisen? I love that show.
Well, they are looking for a new panelist.
So I just happened to mention that my roommate is the famous Oscar Madison.
And after a quick clarification as to what I meant by "roommate" they agreed to have you on as a guest.
Which he said could turn into a regular gig.
Listen to me.
"Gig.
" Wow, that sounds so cool.
Thanks, Felix.
Yeah, thank you, Felix.
But, uh, we're gonna pass.
- Why? - Yes, why? I will answer you and not you.
You already have a great job.
You host a national radio show from your apartment.
If you want, you could do it naked, or eating a pizza, or getting a massage.
If you play your cards right, you could do all three at once.
That is the dream.
But I always thought it would be fun to do TV.
Ah, TV's fine.
But why water down your brand? Radio's your home.
But he could have two homes.
Television could be the giant RV he drives around the country.
Felix, I'm Oscar's agent.
And I am his platonic roommate.
Which I realize now I have to say whenever I mention him.
Look, I'm just saying, how could it possibly hurt to try? We already have.
He tried that guest panel thing years ago.
- And? - He was great.
But it was a pain in the ass, remember? You had to wait around, wear makeup, they didn't give you your donuts That's right.
Stupid scones.
They ended up hiring that pretty boy athlete.
Instead of the pretty boy radio host.
Stupid Michael Strahan.
Well, you've never steered me wrong before.
So I guess you're right, let's just stick with radio.
My man.
- Well, I just think - And I appreciate your thoughts.
But I have guided Oscar's career for 20 years now and he's doing just fine.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a meeting and I have more meatball sub on my shirt than I feel is professional.
So you and Teddy have been together for 20 years? Yeah, I was his first client.
Well, first human.
Before me, he represented mascots.
That's right.
That's how you met, isn't it? Yeah, I was doing a radio interview with one of his clients, Barry the Burlington Beaver.
You know, I was a mascot myself.
The Roosevelt High Screaming Eagle, if you can imagine that.
I can.
You in a bird suit, stuffed in a locker, waiting for your best friend the janitor to get you out.
Did I tell you that story? Well, I am just glad to see that you and Teddy are so happy together.
Yep.
It's always nice to be comfortable.
Felix, you're doing that thing where you say stuff in a cheerful tone, but I end up not being able to keep my Batman lamp in the living room.
It's just such a fun piece and it looks fantastic in the back hallway.
I feel like you have the chance to reach a much larger audience and Teddy just dismisses it.
Well, Teddy knows what he's doing.
Yes, but ultimately he works for you.
And wouldn't you like to try something new? Yes, but I'm already transitioning from boxers to boxer-briefs.
My plate is full.
Oscar, I hate to see you squander your talent just because you're "comfortable.
" Okay.
You're right.
I'll call Teddy and let him know.
Ah, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
You know what? He might say "no.
" What if you just did it and let him see how wonderful you are? You're right.
I am wonderful.
Huzzah! Felix Unger wants a fist bump? I do.
Ow! Here, let me show you how it's done.
- Loosen your hand.
- Mm-hmm.
Ah! (sniffs) It actually cleared my sinuses, merci.
Okay, 75 minutes until Oscar is on the air.
Thank you for your help.
I'm for anything that gets us into a real office.
My mom wants to visit me at my job, but working out of a single guy's spare bedroom seems a little sketchy.
(Dani and Emily whoop) Ladies, ladies, please.
Hold your applause until - DANI: Ooh - the end.
(laughing) I told my tailor to give him the Unger Cut.
But Guillermo has truly outdone himself.
Gather round, look at the cross-stitching on that inseam.
Could we not gather around my inseam? Oh.
You're right, time is wasting.
Emily, you're in charge of all unwanted hair.
Great.
I will start with those eyebrows.
When I'm done, you'll have two.
Ow! Oscar, I've been working on some catchphrases.
Why? I already have a catchphrase.
"That's how it's done on Madison Avenue.
" Uh-huh.
'Cause your last name's Madison, we get it.
But for TV, we need to freshen it up.
How about "Check, please!" "Holy moly Stromboli!" "Oh, yes, I did go there.
" You know, I'm going to keep that one for myself.
Oh, darn.
"Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.
" "A cobbler ain't nothing but a broken pie.
" My-my grandma used to say that one.
Then she would throw a shoe at your head.
She got mean towards the end.
Why is my ass so hot? - I'm just spot-steaming.
- (laughs) Every little imperfection is magnified in high-def.
Okay, now you're making me nervous.
Oh, no, you're going to be great.
But we should be going.
- Is Teddy meeting you there? - FELIX: Oh, uh, no.
No.
Teddy doesn't know.
He thought it was a bad idea.
So we are going to give him the wonderful surprise of proving him wrong.
Oh, Oscar.
I made you a tie tack for good luck.
It retails for $65, in case you wanted to weave that into one of your little sports stories.
Okay.
- Oh, break a leg! - Ah! - Knock 'em dead.
Look at that handsome devil.
Now give us your biggest smile.
- Oh.
- Oh - Uh Not that big.
- FELIX: Uh - DANI: Mm-mm.
Well, that's just a grimace.
Okay.
Now you just look angry.
Put your fist up again.
Ah, you won't fool me tw Oh! Let's go.
Wow, those cameras are closer than I thought they'd be.
And the Unger Cut is at war with my boxer briefs.
Stop messing with my tie tack! I'm sorry, the backing fell off.
You know what? It'll be fine.
Just don't fuss with it.
Sir, we need all non-talent off the stage.
That is a very aggressive choice of words.
I have to go.
- How do you feel? - I feel okay.
You look like a million bucks.
Fist bump.
Ow! Why did I let you do that again? Sir, we need All non-talent off of the stage! Okay, FYI, I am an accomplished photographer, I sang a Capella in college and I can make a pair of tap shoes talk.
I'll go.
Ooh, it's time.
Change the channel.
Ooh.
Hey! Oh, hey, hey, come on! Quit crying.
It's soccer, nobody cares.
And our friend Oscar Madison is going to be on TV.
Wearing a tie tack that I made.
That retails for $65.
As you know, Father's Day is right around the corner, so if anyone Stop talking! You stop talking! Oh, yes, I did go there.
Nailed it.
(both laughing) Ooh! Okay, the show is starting.
Everybody quiet! Welcome to The First String, your daily dose of sports and opinion.
I'm your host Rich Eisen.
With me, as always, is Kenny Smith.
And between us, we've won two NBA championships.
Which is two more than Charles Barkley.
Excellent drive-by, Kenny.
And also joining us today is the man you're embarrassed to wake up with in the morning, satellite radio host Oscar Madison.
Welcome, Oscar.
Thanks for having me, Rich.
Usually, I talk sports in my underwear, but today I put on a suit.
You know, over the underwear.
Ha-ha.
Fun fact.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll discuss all of today's sports headlines after this.
We're clear.
Back in 30 seconds.
That was great.
Perfect.
Couple of thoughts.
Now, you're on TV, so you want the composed hands of a Charlie Rose, not the frantic hands of a LaGuardia landing crew.
And remember what we talked about in the cab.
Smile with your eyes, not with your teeth.
Please don't be here.
Back in ten.
Keep moving, Ansel Adams.
History's greatest landscape photographer? I'll take it.
Then they got that big game in New York tonight Look at you, Oscar! You're on TV! My roommate! My platonic roommate.
What the hell is going on here?! Teddy.
Hello, welcome.
What are you doing here? I came to stop this.
But I see I'm too late.
You did this, didn't you? It's got your fingerprints all over it.
First of all, I don't leave fingerprints.
Second of all, he wanted to do it.
I just helped him know that.
Felix! This is a big mistake.
Oscar's not built for television.
What are you talking about? Yesterday you said he was good.
Yes, I lied.
I'm an agent! You should question everything I say! I'm surprised you don't know that.
You're one of the smartest people I ever met.
- Really? - No! Now, damn it! Oscar's not gonna be able to do his job if he loses his confidence.
Well, I say we give him a chance.
Because I for one have faith in him! So, last week, when you said you loved my risotto? I never lie about food.
Please, don't talk to me about Carmelo taking too many steps to the basket.
Does anybody remember a guy named Michael Jordan? He traveled so much he got bumped up to first class.
For all his frequent traveling.
On a court.
Not on a plane.
Why is he grimacing? Why is he sitting on his hands? I may have given him a few pointers.
Oh, this is even worse than the last time.
And last time he touched Pete Rose's thigh.
And no, it did not make sense in context! I've been part of sports for 40 years, and I've never seen anything quite so moving.
Beautiful.
Oscar, what do you think? What do I think? Well, I-I think a cobbler ain't nothing but a broken pie.
What does that mean? I was talking about a man who rebuilt his life after being paralyzed.
Are you calling a paralyzed person a broken pie? Of course not.
I just Holy moly Stromboli! - What's going on? - Did Dan Patrick put you up to this? Teddy, can't we just get him out of there? It's live TV, you meddling nerd.
With about 12 minutes to go, there's an odd-man rush up the ice.
(coughing) As you could see here Oh, good.
Now he's choking.
Instead of a shot on goal, what ends up What happened? There's a chance he may have punctured himself with a tie tack.
It's truly something remarkable Oh, that's not good.
Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.
Is that your tie tack? You can't prove that.
That's our program for today.
I want to thank my guests Kenny Smith and Oscar Madison.
You okay there, buddy? Yep, you really left some blood out there on the court.
Don't make him laugh, Kenny.
It'll reopen the wound.
Oh, that'll wrap it up.
Thanks for watching today's show.
We'll see you tomorrow.
WOMAN: That's clear! Hey, there he is.
(whoops) Was I just bleeding on national television? Technically no.
A lot of the affiliates switched over to senior bowling.
Teddy.
How long have you been here? Long enough! Okay, go ahead and say it.
What? That I told you not to do this? That you just ignored my advice and ended up in this train wreck? You know, if I could just get in there with some club soda, I could This is why I didn't want you on TV.
I was protecting you.
I'm an adult! I don't need your protection! Says the man with a chest wound from his own jewelry.
Just want to get it before it gets to the suit, because merino wool is such a thirsty fabric.
And I certainly don't need a lecture.
Oh, I think you do.
You need to show me some respect, Oscar.
I made you! I found you doing play-by-play for the Burlington Beavers on W-who-gives-a-crap! And that Beaver was your only client.
Some idiot running around in a moth-eaten suit.
Hey, let's not pick on mascots.
Some call them the hardest working people in sports.
Okay, so if you're not gonna take my advice, then I guess you don't need me anymore.
Have fun humiliating yourself! I will! Oscar, I am so sorry.
I know this did not work out as planned.
But I promise you I can get that out with vinegar and borax.
Wow, that clip of Oscar bleeding just keeps trending.
I know.
He just passed the video of the Shar Pei on the trampoline.
Aw, that little guy's having such a good time.
What are you guys watching? Porn.
Yup.
Turns out we both like something with a little story.
Am I still trending? Oscar, I am so sorry.
No, it was my decision.
- Have you spoken to Teddy? - Nope.
- Are you going to? - Nope.
- Do you think that maybe? - Nope.
If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me.
Oh, by the way, I have an extra ticket to tonight's Knicks game if you want to go with me.
Me? Sure! Sounds like a hoot.
A couple of fellows cheering on the Knickerbockers.
I'll just drink a lot.
Did you hear that? Very disturbing.
I know.
You call them the Knickerbockers tonight, you can get stabbed dead in the men's room.
No, no.
He always takes Teddy to the Knicks games.
I can't believe it, I've caused a rift in a 20-year friendship.
I have never seen them this mad.
The good news is now that I've exposed the cracks in the foundation of the friendship, I can fix them.
No, no, no.
No, no.
You need to stay out of this.
- Just give them time.
- Yes.
Exactly what they need time! And a little nudge from their friend Felix.
No.
No nudge.
Your meddling is what got them into this.
Exactly! And only more meddling can get them out! I'm just gonna drink a lot.
(knocking) Well, here I am.
Yes, you are.
Aren't you gonna invite me in? I guess.
"I guess"? Is that the way you start an apology? "Apology"? What are you talking about? I got your text.
I didn't send you a text.
FELIX (muffled): I did.
It was I.
Felix? FELIX: 20 years ago, a mascot brought two good friends together.
And so it shall be again.
- Ca-caw! - Whoa! What's that?! Oh, my good God! It's my old Screaming Eagle head from high school.
I thought it would be weird to wear the whole thing.
Yeah, that would've been silly.
What is a mascot? A kid with no friends? A failed gymnast? A virgin? That's right a hero.
Who lifts spirits and brings people together in times of crisis.
When it's the fourth quarter, and you're down ten sports points.
This is why mascots don't speak.
Oscar, Teddy, your friendship is losing in the fourth quarter.
There are issues that you need to work on.
But I know that you can get through it, if you treat each other with a little C! O! M! P What are you trying to spell? Compassion and understanding! A! S! Oh, hey, cool, you want to fly me around! Cool.
The girls used to do that, too.
Thank Hey! Hey, guys, wait! Actually Hey! Hey! Not cool! Not cool at all.
Although I'm glad to see you working as a team.
Can you believe this guy? He's the reason we're fighting so much.
Yeah.
Well, that's not completely true.
He's the one who wanted me to go on the show.
But I'm the one who did it.
Well, if I had been straight with you and told you the truth years ago, maybe you would've listened to me.
Hey, guys? I-I can't get the head off! It's stuck! OSCAR: You were just being a good agent.
And a good friend.
Hey-hey, guys? It's really stuck.
I forgot that my mom used to butter my ears! I just wanted what was best for you.
And you gave me that.
I've got the best job in the world thanks to you.
No, I've got the best job in the world thanks to you.
Hey, guys? I can't see anything and I'm starting to panic! If you put stickers on the window, the birds won't do that.
Come on, little birdy.
Come on.
Let's get you in your nest.
Come on.
That's it.
Tweet tweet.
You want to go to the Knicks game with me? Yeah, I'd love it.
All right, you hold, I pull.
I've got a lot of mascot experience.
How long was I in the locker? Are we still winning? Eagle power! Caw! And we're out of time.
I want to thank my guests Rich Eisen and Kenny Smith for doing my show.
Hey, I owe you.
That, uh, gaping chest wound of yours was a real ratings grabber.
So, you'll have me back, then? No.
Thanks for listening to The Oscar Madison Show.
Hey, Oscar, that was fun.
Yeah, it was a real treat seeing the inside of your spare bedroom.
Well, we may not have a big TV budget, but it does have its advantages.