The Onion News Network (2011) s01e07 Episode Script
The Real Obama
This is "the Onion News Network," a tomahawk of honesty in the skull of lies.
Brooke Alvarez: Here are a few of the stories we're tracking right now in "The Fact Zone.
" A new federal law will require credit card companies to tell customers exactly how screwed they are.
The department of education has announced their new cost cutting, one teacher per school program.
And a new anti-obesity campaign by the American heart foundation has a simple message, "the more you eat, "the harder it is to get drunk.
" I hope you're not a Chinese spy, because I'm letting you in to "The Fact Zone.
" [ Music .]
This is "The Fact Zone.
" I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Our top story tonight, congress has passed a bill naming incomprehensible shouting the official language of the United States.
After attracting the attention of several leaders in Washington last year, the initiatives political supporters argued for months that the nation should formerly recognize incomprehensible shouting as the only truly American way to communicate.
I'm sick and tired of listening to people who say that Americans should not know what they know and that is not what it is.
The policies is The red-blooded American is what we have in this day in age In this day in age But opponents say that legislation is unnecessary.
Legislation is unnecessary.
Everyone already knows that if you live in America, you have to know how to scream and holler while making absolutely no sense at all.
This is just cheap political point scoring.
It's blatantly unfair to those who have have come to our country from level-headed polite societies.
Polite societies.
The movement started in 2008 with the grassroots organization called "American for doing it right" 'cause we gotta now "'cause who else right come on!" Under the new law, public school classes will only be taught in incomprehensible shouting and government agencies will no longer offer translators to non shouting speakers.
To non shouting speakers.
In addition, a new test will be added to the nationalization process, whereby potential immigrants must prove they have a working knowledge of incomprehensible shouting of incomprehensible shouting before they're granted citizenship.
They do a export-import, many of my clients are-they are American.
I have to learn to say things like, "shut up! Shut your goddamn mouth! "Let me finish!" And, uh, "oh, you son of a bitch! Oh!" The legislation still faces a potential veto from president Obama from president Obama who favors naming dulcet tones as the national language.
We'll of course have more on that story later, but right now, let's get an update on the ongoing disaster in the midwest.
In the midwest.
It's been 48 hours now since an explosion ripped apart a goldenmade corn syrup factory corn syrup factory in Southern Iowa killing six and creating a massive spill of high fructose corn syrup.
Of high fructose corn syrup.
Rescue workers are sending us photos from inside photos from inside the 60 square mile flood zone around the goldenmade factory which was the nation's third largest producer of high fructose corn syrup for use in soda, yogurt, salad dressing, English muffins, soups, and sandwich meats, and thousands of other commercially prepared foods.
Commercially prepared foods.
As you can see, much of the area remains submerged in several feet of corn syrup.
Meanwhile, rescue crews are still searching for people trapped by the flood, pulling more victims out of the sweet, sticky grasp of the high fructose corn syrup every hour.
Corn syrup every hour.
I lost everything in that delicious wave of death.
My family's still in there! They're-they're still in there.
Ah this is very good.
Ah this is very good.
Animals on land have been eating the high fructose corn syrup, binging on it in huge quantities.
Many raccoons and squirrels have reportedly gained 20 to 30% in body weight in just 48 hours.
We'll be tracking that story throughout the hour and for a long time to come, I'm sure.
But right now, we have some good news for you fatties and ugos out there.
Tucker hope has more at the recon wall.
At the recon wall.
Tucker hope: Thank you very much, Brooke.
The federal dating agency drastically readjusted national dating standards to a record low this week.
The agency said that the major reduction in the minimum basic in the minimum basic attributes required in a romantic partner will offset rising levels of desperation and get the dating sector moving again.
Moving again.
If we maintain the current standards, there would be just too many undatable, uh, people in this country.
Things are pretty bleak out there, I admit it, but this should get some of the real dorks paired off with the biggest lugs, and then we'll be able to adjust standards upwards again.
Upwards again.
The reduction in dating standards has already led many Americans to put themselves on the market again.
On the market again.
Now that deadbeats and cheaters and abusive alcoholics are within the federally approved range, my options have basically tripled.
It's absolutely great.
I no longer have to worry about staying in shape or shaving my neck hair or anything.
I guess it's time to give my, uh, ex another call.
According to the government, she's no longer too good for me.
For me.
The adjustment marks the largest slashing of dating standards since the small pox epidemic of 1839 when survivor's grotesquely pock marked faces forced the criteria for romantic coupling to an all-time low.
According to agency officials, the only segment of the population not effected by recent dating woes are the mega hot who continue to have amazingly satisfying sex with one another any time they please.
Brooke.
Thank you, Tucker.
You know, Tucker, was just chosen to co-host the teen choice awards with Jaden Smith.
Yup.
That, uh, should be a lot of fun.
I'm really honored to have been chosen.
Yeah why were you chosen exactly, Tucker? You didn't even go to High School.
I mean, you were home schooled, right? Well, uh, it-it must have been okay, Tucker.
Well, you remember last month we reported on the tragic murders of Philadelphia real estate mogul Tom McNamee and his wife Erin who were shot to death by a mugger as their nine year old son Michael looked on.
"Today now" had Michael honored earlier this morning, marking the first time this future Batman has publicly talked about his parent's senseless murder.
His parent's senseless murder.
Jim Haggerty: Now, you are such a brave young man, Michael, and if what became of a certain other child who witnessed the exact same kind of crime you did is any indication, the violent killing of your parents is gonna have a profound effect on you for the rest of your life.
Michael: I miss them a lot.
Tracy gill: Of course you do.
You must feel the need to avenge their deaths and-and take back your decaying city, right? Um, I'm just really scared all the time.
But you know what, Michael, you can turn that fear into a weapon against evil.
And by taking a terrifying animal as your emblem, like a bat for example, you can make the wicked know what it truly feels like to be afraid.
I don't want to.
Well, sometimes the only way to defeat evil is to become more than a man.
Um, I wanna go back to my grandma's house now.
Right! She's your Alfred.
Oh, Michael, what about that Detective, Jim Faison, the police officer that found you in that alley curled up next to your mother's body? Right, have you stayed in contact with him? Have you helped recruit him to be an ally of yours on the police force? I don't remember him.
I don't remember anything until I woke up the next day.
Can I please go to my grandma's house now? Don't worry.
You're not alone, because here at "today now," we were so inspired by your story, we wanna help you start your training by sending you to Nepal! What? We have a boeing c-17 standing by at the airport right now which will air drop you into the heart of the himalayas where you can look for a secret monastery and learn martial arts.
No! No, please, stop! Oh, and remember, Batman doesn't kill, and don't let the evil shadows corrupt you.
No one has seen or heard from Michael since he was dropped into Nepal.
Sounds like he's already stealthily evading detection.
What a hero.
All right, we've got a breaking news blast coming in right now.
I'm being told, if I'm understanding this correcting, that the man we've all assumed to be president Obama is actually an imposter.
The real Barack Obama has been found locked in an attic in Bethesda, Maryland where he apparently has spent the past two year chained to a radiator while a look-a-like waylaid all his plans for the nation and all but destroyed his public standing.
Andrea Bennett is live now outside Bethesda general hospital where the president was taken to recover less than an hour ago.
Andrea Bennett: Hello, Brooke.
Andrea, what's going on? Well, Brooke, it sounds bizarre.
Barack Obama has told police that he was kidnapped just hours after his inauguration in January 2009 and an imposter took his place as president.
Already, people are saying this explains Obama's rapid shift from inspiring figure on the campaign trail to, well, the president Obama we've seen muddling his way through every national issue the past two years.
Oh, gosh.
You know, apparently, he told police that he was both disappointed and shocked that nobody suspected anything was wrong, despite a major shift in, uh, ideological beliefs.
Well, I mean, you think someone would've noticed.
Reportedly he said, quote, I have a quote here, "I'm a confident, decisive," moral leader.
How could anyone mistake that rudderless pushover "for me?" Well, this also does explain those unsettling interviews that Michelle Obama gave to "redbook" last year.
Gave to "redbook" last year.
You're absolutely right.
I mean, we can only guess how painful it was for her to stand smiling next to this imposter.
And-and what about this fake Obama? Where is he now? Where is he now? Okay, upon hearing the real Obama had been found, he jumped out of the presidential limo and took off running.
Authorities are currently conducting a manhunt to try and locate him, Brooke.
All right-all right.
Thank you so much, Andrea.
Thanks for that report.
Thanks for that report.
Well, needless to say, we'll be following this story very closely here at "The Fact Zone.
" Well, it's time now for you to go out among the commercials, but don't worry, I'll be here in "The Fact Zone" keeping watch over the news.
Stay with us.
Brooke: You can breathe easy now.
You're back in "The Fact Zone.
" A little later on, we'll be looking at the medical breakthrough that will allow families that will allow families to keep their old blind arthritic pets alive for years longer.
But right now, California is still reeling from last week's attack on Los Angeles international airport carried out by film director, Michael bay.
Fifty-two people were injured after bay used a controlled explosion used a controlled explosion to send a helicopter careening into a fuel truck which then flipped and then rolled off a freeway overpass right through the three story glass façade of LAX's terminal two before exploding into a ball of flames.
As more details have surfaced, L.
A.
city councilman, L.
A.
city councilman, Ron Detoro said Bay's studio had pile after pile of notebooks depicting horrific disaster scenarios and attacks on national landmarks.
According to bay's personal assistant, Mia Burke, the director would spend 12 or 14 hours at a time holed up in this tiny dark room watching footage of crashes and explosions.
Of crashes and explosions.
Well, he'd sit there with his editor and obsess over how many seconds the fire ball was on screen.
He'd say, "let me see it in slow motion this time.
" Bay is currently being held in a maximum security prison.
Guards are on high alert on suspicion that his movie "the rock" may have been put out as an early blueprint for an attempted breakout.
Okay, let's check in now with Tucker hope over at the recon wall with today's "daily briefing.
" With today's "daily briefing.
" Well, Tucker, it's kind of a banner week for ya, hasn't it? In addition to this gig as the host of the teen choice awards, you've also been named "teen people's" cutest guy alive.
Tucker: No.
You don't have to.
Which I find kind of interesting, because I've never thought of you as much of a lady's man.
As much of a lady's man.
Well, that's because I'm very faithful to Jod yeah, I've never met this Jody of yours.
Well, she's very busy teaching yoga all around the world.
Okay.
First up, ConAir electronics corporation issued a massive recall earlier this week of a popular model of wand massager after company leaders were mortified to learn that people were using the device for things other than its intended purpose.
How could anybody think to use it for that? Jesus! You-you just can't put it an-anywhere.
It hasn't been tested yet for it's supposed to be a nice gift for your grandmother.
The company hurriedly released a new model of massager that they say they hope people will be unable to use for that sort of thing, though ConAir issued a stern warning to consumers saying, quote, "no bunching it up.
" And congress, today, passed a new labor law allowing employees up to six minutes a day to weep quietly in a stairwell.
In a stairwell.
The afl-cio said about the bill Employees will also have the option of saving the option of saving their six minutes of crying a day and using it for a half hour meltdown at the end of the week, if they so choose.
Next up, vice president Joe biden finally reveals his much anticipated vice president uniform.
These photos that I'm bringing up here were released at a press conference today along with a statement explaining the uniform, which biden designed himself, will give the vice president a more iconic style and The vice president told reporters that the uniform is a key point in his "lookin' sharp" initiative.
Brooke.
Thanks, Tucker.
You know, during the break, I had my assistant pull together a little list of the events that I've hosted, the Frankton awards, the emerging innovation conference, the women awards well, I could go on, but there are several pages.
That's really impressive, Brooke.
It is.
Okay, "the onion news network's" own shelby cross has been stirring up some buzz lately.
Early today on "cross examination," shelby called for a nationwide crackdown on public indecency.
Take a look.
Shelby cross: Now, let me tell you this little story, people.
I was doing my regular 11 o'clock security sweep around the perimeter of my house when I noticed a couple of young people having intercourse in the front seat of a car out in the street, right in the street! Now, I initially thought about calling the police, but then I said to myself, "shelby, how is that going" to get the word out there "about this problem?" So, I ran inside and I grabbed my video camera.
As you can imagine, I stood in those bushes for over 20 minutes watching these two degenerates grind against each other, and I'm thinking, "this behavior is simply unacceptable.
" Now, if you think this is an isolated incident, you are dead to rights wrong.
I have 36 hours of footage to prove it that I have personally collected from sickos just around my own town.
My own town.
For example, I saw perverts having sex in swimming pools, clearly visible from the roofs of adjacent buildings, on boats that anybody could see with a telescope, at night on the beaches where they can easily be watched by anyone hiding behind a fence wearing their night vision goggles.
Goggles.
It's simply disgusting! So, if you find yourself face to face with two nude sweat covered people thrusting against one another, I want you to do what shelby does, you stay right where you are until they've climaxed, and then you walk up to them and you say, "if I catch you fooling around in th gazebo, you'll be doin' "your dirty business in jail!" And then go home and email that footage to me.
I will happily put it on my show.
I will happily make you an American hero.
An American hero.
Scary stuff.
Now, we have an update on president Obama's situation.
While he's still too weak to walk, Obama has already begun making up for the more than half of his term which the man who stole which the man who stole his identity completely squandered.
So far, he's initiated a measure in congress demanding Goldman sachs return its a.
I.
G.
Bailout money and signed an executive order making gay marriage legal in America all within the span of about ten minutes.
And according to the white house, that's just the beginning.
That's just the beginning.
The president will give a 17 hour speech tomorrow, uh, which will include all the inspiring and uplifting things, uh, that he wanted to say over the past, uh, two years but unfortunately could not.
Immediately after that speech, the president will set out on a tour of the Gulf coast, Afghanistan, and dozens of other locations to personally apologize for the wrongs committed by his imposter.
By his imposter.
But it looks like president Obama has a hard road ahead of him winning back all those disillusioned voters.
We're getting a flood of emails, and it seems the majority of Americans want to keep the imposter Obama in office.
Joan b.
Writes Terrence m.
Says Please keep sending us your thoughts on this very historic event.
We'd also like to hear what you think about juniper, what you think about juniper, the three year old mare implicated in an affair with anti-gay Mississippi congressman Ronald north a few weeks ago, who's just agreed to do a full spread in "stud farm," the equine soft-core erotica magazine.
Juniper agreed to appear juniper agreed to appear in exchange for a big bag of carrots.
We'll be right back.
By federal legislation, this program is now available in incomprehensible shout dubbing.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
Brooke: You've safely found your way back to "The Fact Zone.
" Rather than focusing on the big front page stories that define our lives, let's now turn our unblinking eye on the nation towards you, the little people.
Today's "eye on the nation" comes to us from wonn-5 in pennington, Illinois.
Well, today was a historic occasion in pennington.
That's right, dianne.
The entire town turned out to honor Paul Webster, the area's one gay man, with Pennington's first ever gay pride parade.
Gay pride parade.
Paul, a 33 year old hardware store owner, was too shy to ask for a parade, but that didn't stop almost 2,000 residence from showing their support for his homosexuality.
Mayor Sue Hallinan organized the parade and even chipped in some of her own money to pay for decorations.
Well, I was channel surfing one day, and I came across a program about the gay pride.
The next time I went to the hardware store, I said, "Paul, we're gonna throw you a parade.
" And he just said, "oh, please, don't do that.
" I don't want that.
"I beg you.
" He just didn't want us to go to the trouble.
That Paul.
Apparently, Paul was so modest that he practically had to be dragged out of his house and into the pink limo that took him to the parade where the whole town was ready to support him.
You beautiful, gay, sexy bitch! You just go for it, girl! You work it out! You're fierce! You're the bomb! You're the gayest most beautiful thing I've ever, ever seen! Uh, he doesn't want to ride on the penis float.
Uh, he gets motion sickness, so, uh, we're gonna have him hold the reigns instead.
Hold the reigns instead.
After the parade, the town whisked Paul to an information fair held at the local v.
F.
W.
Hall where Paul was given pamphlets and DVDs about prejudice, aids, meth abuse, and other issues of importance to Paul.
I think Paul felt real supported when the whole town stood next to him while nurse Jill was givin' him that aids test.
And Penningtonians have already decided on a fairy tale theme for next year's parade.
Oh, that'll be great.
And if Paul has a boyfriend, they can both be dressed up as kings.
Terrific idea.
Terrific idea.
Nothing worse than seeing tax payer money spent on something as frivolous as joyful celebration.
In another corner of the heartland, Oklahoma announced that Oklahoma announced that it will be taking a new approach to the hot button issue of abortion.
The state legislature passed a bill today making it legal a bill today making it legal for doctors to just pretend to give a woman an abortion and then send her on her way.
On his radio call in program today, Wendell mack called the new law a "win-win method" a "win-win method" for reducing the number of abortions.
Let's listen.
The doctor doesn't have to turn the patient away if performing abortion is against his morals, and-and the woman gets a beautiful baby.
I don't know why we didn't think of this before.
For some lightening quick expert analysis on this issue now, let's go to "The Fact Zone's" first responders.
Paula, let's start with you.
Is this law a good idea? Paula: Well, at this point, it's really gonna work for Oklahoma.
They have to provide doctors with the proper training with the proper training to perform fake abortions and that means acting lessons.
Duncan: Exactly.
You don't want a doctor performing a fake abortion and hamming it up.
I mean, he can't be like, "now I'm removing" the contents "of the uterine wall.
" It-it-it she's gonna see right through that.
Jason: Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, these doctors have got to be 100% believable when they pat the woman on the arm and say, "you can go home," but don't have any alcohol "for seven months as you heal," or, "abdominal swelling is normal.
" Whatever it is, she's got to really buy that stuff.
Well, you know, and article in the "Oklahoma city journal" yesterday morning actually suggested that the state go ahead and hire out of work actors to portray the doctors.
I mean, they're already trained.
As long as the woman doesn't recognize the doctor from the local community production of "nunsense," it should work.
But, Duncan, you're also you're forgetting about the baby's health, which is why so many doctor's plan on getting the women in for their bi-monthly prenatal checkups by telling the women that they have cancer.
Oh, that's smart! Well, they've gotta do something to explain away the morning sickness and the dizziness she'll be feeling.
And as the stomach grows, they'll say that it's a tumor that's getting bigger and bigger, but that it's inoperable, so the women should take the next few months to eat as much as they'd like as these are their last few months on earth.
See, I think that's a great solution.
People can complain as much as they want about how much doctor's make, they really do earn it.
They really do earn it.
Yeah, guys.
There has been some talk, though, about the babies born from these unwanted pregnancies.
What about them? Oh, my God! Once a woman looks in the eyes of this child, in the eyes of this child, be it in an elevator or a public bathroom, wherever it is that they suddenly give birth, they're not gonna want to give that child up.
Absolutely not, and look, you know, let's not forget about the, uh, the statistics that are emerging here.
I mean, many doctors who've already started doing this have said that two to three percent of the women come back after the baby is born and actually thank the doctor for what they did.
For what they did.
Yeah, that's very interesting.
All right, thank you so much for the expert analysis, first responders.
First responders.
Now, let's go over to Tucker hope for a look at what happened on "this day in history.
" Now, here's something you certainly don't hear everyday.
And that's because it was on this date in 1929 that fashion designers finally figured out finally figured out how to eliminate the embarrassing slide whistle sound made when trousers would fall down around a man's ankles.
For centuries, the history of pants had been inextricably linked with the sound with the sound of slide whistles.
Historian Bruce Thompson says, "by the early 1920s, many had come to believe slacks simply could not slacks simply could not be manufactured without "the accompanying sound effect.
" The accompanying sound effect.
" Menswear scientists had hit a wall.
They had become national heroes after silencing the bowtie, but men's slacks remained a sonic mystery.
It was not until the early 1950s that the true culprit behind the slide whistles was discovered, marxist revolutionaries who wanted to humiliate Americans.
To humiliate Americans.
The communists would hide behind tables and behind bushes with a whistle waiting for someone's pants to fall.
All Americans had to do was rid the population of commie sympathizers in a series of violent raids and the whistling was gone forever.
And that's "this day in history.
" Thanks, Tucker.
Well, we need to take a quick break right now, but first, here are the results of our "fact zone" insta-poll asking how the ConAir company could improve upon their compact wand massager.
We'll be right back.
Brooke: You can open your eyes now.
You're back in "The Fact Zone.
" We have update now on the ongoing story of the real president Obama being discovered this evening.
The man who's been impersonating Barack Obama for more than two years has been apprehended by police at a greyhound bus station.
The imposter has been revealed to be an out of work community theater actor named Roy Johnson who says he was paid who says he was paid the sum of 50 million dollars to have his face surgically altered to look like Obama and pose as the president for four years.
Johnson says he's been instructed by his unknown employers by his unknown employers to just agree with anything any of his advisors said and tell them that he thought their ideas were very incisive and original.
Further complicating matters, police have also announced that they've discovered a second Joe biden.
However, in this case, it does not seem to matter which one is real.
And I just wanna take a quick moment and let everyone know that my new book, "alone in the herd of fools," is in bookstores as of tomorrow.
I wrote it while I was on a cruise this past December and I'm very proud of it.
And I'm very proud of it.
All right, now let's take it over to Cressbeckler country.
all right, Joe, well said.
Good night from everyone here at The Fact Zone.
Be safe out there.
They're all against you.
Brooke Alvarez: Here are a few of the stories we're tracking right now in "The Fact Zone.
" A new federal law will require credit card companies to tell customers exactly how screwed they are.
The department of education has announced their new cost cutting, one teacher per school program.
And a new anti-obesity campaign by the American heart foundation has a simple message, "the more you eat, "the harder it is to get drunk.
" I hope you're not a Chinese spy, because I'm letting you in to "The Fact Zone.
" [ Music .]
This is "The Fact Zone.
" I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Our top story tonight, congress has passed a bill naming incomprehensible shouting the official language of the United States.
After attracting the attention of several leaders in Washington last year, the initiatives political supporters argued for months that the nation should formerly recognize incomprehensible shouting as the only truly American way to communicate.
I'm sick and tired of listening to people who say that Americans should not know what they know and that is not what it is.
The policies is The red-blooded American is what we have in this day in age In this day in age But opponents say that legislation is unnecessary.
Legislation is unnecessary.
Everyone already knows that if you live in America, you have to know how to scream and holler while making absolutely no sense at all.
This is just cheap political point scoring.
It's blatantly unfair to those who have have come to our country from level-headed polite societies.
Polite societies.
The movement started in 2008 with the grassroots organization called "American for doing it right" 'cause we gotta now "'cause who else right come on!" Under the new law, public school classes will only be taught in incomprehensible shouting and government agencies will no longer offer translators to non shouting speakers.
To non shouting speakers.
In addition, a new test will be added to the nationalization process, whereby potential immigrants must prove they have a working knowledge of incomprehensible shouting of incomprehensible shouting before they're granted citizenship.
They do a export-import, many of my clients are-they are American.
I have to learn to say things like, "shut up! Shut your goddamn mouth! "Let me finish!" And, uh, "oh, you son of a bitch! Oh!" The legislation still faces a potential veto from president Obama from president Obama who favors naming dulcet tones as the national language.
We'll of course have more on that story later, but right now, let's get an update on the ongoing disaster in the midwest.
In the midwest.
It's been 48 hours now since an explosion ripped apart a goldenmade corn syrup factory corn syrup factory in Southern Iowa killing six and creating a massive spill of high fructose corn syrup.
Of high fructose corn syrup.
Rescue workers are sending us photos from inside photos from inside the 60 square mile flood zone around the goldenmade factory which was the nation's third largest producer of high fructose corn syrup for use in soda, yogurt, salad dressing, English muffins, soups, and sandwich meats, and thousands of other commercially prepared foods.
Commercially prepared foods.
As you can see, much of the area remains submerged in several feet of corn syrup.
Meanwhile, rescue crews are still searching for people trapped by the flood, pulling more victims out of the sweet, sticky grasp of the high fructose corn syrup every hour.
Corn syrup every hour.
I lost everything in that delicious wave of death.
My family's still in there! They're-they're still in there.
Ah this is very good.
Ah this is very good.
Animals on land have been eating the high fructose corn syrup, binging on it in huge quantities.
Many raccoons and squirrels have reportedly gained 20 to 30% in body weight in just 48 hours.
We'll be tracking that story throughout the hour and for a long time to come, I'm sure.
But right now, we have some good news for you fatties and ugos out there.
Tucker hope has more at the recon wall.
At the recon wall.
Tucker hope: Thank you very much, Brooke.
The federal dating agency drastically readjusted national dating standards to a record low this week.
The agency said that the major reduction in the minimum basic in the minimum basic attributes required in a romantic partner will offset rising levels of desperation and get the dating sector moving again.
Moving again.
If we maintain the current standards, there would be just too many undatable, uh, people in this country.
Things are pretty bleak out there, I admit it, but this should get some of the real dorks paired off with the biggest lugs, and then we'll be able to adjust standards upwards again.
Upwards again.
The reduction in dating standards has already led many Americans to put themselves on the market again.
On the market again.
Now that deadbeats and cheaters and abusive alcoholics are within the federally approved range, my options have basically tripled.
It's absolutely great.
I no longer have to worry about staying in shape or shaving my neck hair or anything.
I guess it's time to give my, uh, ex another call.
According to the government, she's no longer too good for me.
For me.
The adjustment marks the largest slashing of dating standards since the small pox epidemic of 1839 when survivor's grotesquely pock marked faces forced the criteria for romantic coupling to an all-time low.
According to agency officials, the only segment of the population not effected by recent dating woes are the mega hot who continue to have amazingly satisfying sex with one another any time they please.
Brooke.
Thank you, Tucker.
You know, Tucker, was just chosen to co-host the teen choice awards with Jaden Smith.
Yup.
That, uh, should be a lot of fun.
I'm really honored to have been chosen.
Yeah why were you chosen exactly, Tucker? You didn't even go to High School.
I mean, you were home schooled, right? Well, uh, it-it must have been okay, Tucker.
Well, you remember last month we reported on the tragic murders of Philadelphia real estate mogul Tom McNamee and his wife Erin who were shot to death by a mugger as their nine year old son Michael looked on.
"Today now" had Michael honored earlier this morning, marking the first time this future Batman has publicly talked about his parent's senseless murder.
His parent's senseless murder.
Jim Haggerty: Now, you are such a brave young man, Michael, and if what became of a certain other child who witnessed the exact same kind of crime you did is any indication, the violent killing of your parents is gonna have a profound effect on you for the rest of your life.
Michael: I miss them a lot.
Tracy gill: Of course you do.
You must feel the need to avenge their deaths and-and take back your decaying city, right? Um, I'm just really scared all the time.
But you know what, Michael, you can turn that fear into a weapon against evil.
And by taking a terrifying animal as your emblem, like a bat for example, you can make the wicked know what it truly feels like to be afraid.
I don't want to.
Well, sometimes the only way to defeat evil is to become more than a man.
Um, I wanna go back to my grandma's house now.
Right! She's your Alfred.
Oh, Michael, what about that Detective, Jim Faison, the police officer that found you in that alley curled up next to your mother's body? Right, have you stayed in contact with him? Have you helped recruit him to be an ally of yours on the police force? I don't remember him.
I don't remember anything until I woke up the next day.
Can I please go to my grandma's house now? Don't worry.
You're not alone, because here at "today now," we were so inspired by your story, we wanna help you start your training by sending you to Nepal! What? We have a boeing c-17 standing by at the airport right now which will air drop you into the heart of the himalayas where you can look for a secret monastery and learn martial arts.
No! No, please, stop! Oh, and remember, Batman doesn't kill, and don't let the evil shadows corrupt you.
No one has seen or heard from Michael since he was dropped into Nepal.
Sounds like he's already stealthily evading detection.
What a hero.
All right, we've got a breaking news blast coming in right now.
I'm being told, if I'm understanding this correcting, that the man we've all assumed to be president Obama is actually an imposter.
The real Barack Obama has been found locked in an attic in Bethesda, Maryland where he apparently has spent the past two year chained to a radiator while a look-a-like waylaid all his plans for the nation and all but destroyed his public standing.
Andrea Bennett is live now outside Bethesda general hospital where the president was taken to recover less than an hour ago.
Andrea Bennett: Hello, Brooke.
Andrea, what's going on? Well, Brooke, it sounds bizarre.
Barack Obama has told police that he was kidnapped just hours after his inauguration in January 2009 and an imposter took his place as president.
Already, people are saying this explains Obama's rapid shift from inspiring figure on the campaign trail to, well, the president Obama we've seen muddling his way through every national issue the past two years.
Oh, gosh.
You know, apparently, he told police that he was both disappointed and shocked that nobody suspected anything was wrong, despite a major shift in, uh, ideological beliefs.
Well, I mean, you think someone would've noticed.
Reportedly he said, quote, I have a quote here, "I'm a confident, decisive," moral leader.
How could anyone mistake that rudderless pushover "for me?" Well, this also does explain those unsettling interviews that Michelle Obama gave to "redbook" last year.
Gave to "redbook" last year.
You're absolutely right.
I mean, we can only guess how painful it was for her to stand smiling next to this imposter.
And-and what about this fake Obama? Where is he now? Where is he now? Okay, upon hearing the real Obama had been found, he jumped out of the presidential limo and took off running.
Authorities are currently conducting a manhunt to try and locate him, Brooke.
All right-all right.
Thank you so much, Andrea.
Thanks for that report.
Thanks for that report.
Well, needless to say, we'll be following this story very closely here at "The Fact Zone.
" Well, it's time now for you to go out among the commercials, but don't worry, I'll be here in "The Fact Zone" keeping watch over the news.
Stay with us.
Brooke: You can breathe easy now.
You're back in "The Fact Zone.
" A little later on, we'll be looking at the medical breakthrough that will allow families that will allow families to keep their old blind arthritic pets alive for years longer.
But right now, California is still reeling from last week's attack on Los Angeles international airport carried out by film director, Michael bay.
Fifty-two people were injured after bay used a controlled explosion used a controlled explosion to send a helicopter careening into a fuel truck which then flipped and then rolled off a freeway overpass right through the three story glass façade of LAX's terminal two before exploding into a ball of flames.
As more details have surfaced, L.
A.
city councilman, L.
A.
city councilman, Ron Detoro said Bay's studio had pile after pile of notebooks depicting horrific disaster scenarios and attacks on national landmarks.
According to bay's personal assistant, Mia Burke, the director would spend 12 or 14 hours at a time holed up in this tiny dark room watching footage of crashes and explosions.
Of crashes and explosions.
Well, he'd sit there with his editor and obsess over how many seconds the fire ball was on screen.
He'd say, "let me see it in slow motion this time.
" Bay is currently being held in a maximum security prison.
Guards are on high alert on suspicion that his movie "the rock" may have been put out as an early blueprint for an attempted breakout.
Okay, let's check in now with Tucker hope over at the recon wall with today's "daily briefing.
" With today's "daily briefing.
" Well, Tucker, it's kind of a banner week for ya, hasn't it? In addition to this gig as the host of the teen choice awards, you've also been named "teen people's" cutest guy alive.
Tucker: No.
You don't have to.
Which I find kind of interesting, because I've never thought of you as much of a lady's man.
As much of a lady's man.
Well, that's because I'm very faithful to Jod yeah, I've never met this Jody of yours.
Well, she's very busy teaching yoga all around the world.
Okay.
First up, ConAir electronics corporation issued a massive recall earlier this week of a popular model of wand massager after company leaders were mortified to learn that people were using the device for things other than its intended purpose.
How could anybody think to use it for that? Jesus! You-you just can't put it an-anywhere.
It hasn't been tested yet for it's supposed to be a nice gift for your grandmother.
The company hurriedly released a new model of massager that they say they hope people will be unable to use for that sort of thing, though ConAir issued a stern warning to consumers saying, quote, "no bunching it up.
" And congress, today, passed a new labor law allowing employees up to six minutes a day to weep quietly in a stairwell.
In a stairwell.
The afl-cio said about the bill Employees will also have the option of saving the option of saving their six minutes of crying a day and using it for a half hour meltdown at the end of the week, if they so choose.
Next up, vice president Joe biden finally reveals his much anticipated vice president uniform.
These photos that I'm bringing up here were released at a press conference today along with a statement explaining the uniform, which biden designed himself, will give the vice president a more iconic style and The vice president told reporters that the uniform is a key point in his "lookin' sharp" initiative.
Brooke.
Thanks, Tucker.
You know, during the break, I had my assistant pull together a little list of the events that I've hosted, the Frankton awards, the emerging innovation conference, the women awards well, I could go on, but there are several pages.
That's really impressive, Brooke.
It is.
Okay, "the onion news network's" own shelby cross has been stirring up some buzz lately.
Early today on "cross examination," shelby called for a nationwide crackdown on public indecency.
Take a look.
Shelby cross: Now, let me tell you this little story, people.
I was doing my regular 11 o'clock security sweep around the perimeter of my house when I noticed a couple of young people having intercourse in the front seat of a car out in the street, right in the street! Now, I initially thought about calling the police, but then I said to myself, "shelby, how is that going" to get the word out there "about this problem?" So, I ran inside and I grabbed my video camera.
As you can imagine, I stood in those bushes for over 20 minutes watching these two degenerates grind against each other, and I'm thinking, "this behavior is simply unacceptable.
" Now, if you think this is an isolated incident, you are dead to rights wrong.
I have 36 hours of footage to prove it that I have personally collected from sickos just around my own town.
My own town.
For example, I saw perverts having sex in swimming pools, clearly visible from the roofs of adjacent buildings, on boats that anybody could see with a telescope, at night on the beaches where they can easily be watched by anyone hiding behind a fence wearing their night vision goggles.
Goggles.
It's simply disgusting! So, if you find yourself face to face with two nude sweat covered people thrusting against one another, I want you to do what shelby does, you stay right where you are until they've climaxed, and then you walk up to them and you say, "if I catch you fooling around in th gazebo, you'll be doin' "your dirty business in jail!" And then go home and email that footage to me.
I will happily put it on my show.
I will happily make you an American hero.
An American hero.
Scary stuff.
Now, we have an update on president Obama's situation.
While he's still too weak to walk, Obama has already begun making up for the more than half of his term which the man who stole which the man who stole his identity completely squandered.
So far, he's initiated a measure in congress demanding Goldman sachs return its a.
I.
G.
Bailout money and signed an executive order making gay marriage legal in America all within the span of about ten minutes.
And according to the white house, that's just the beginning.
That's just the beginning.
The president will give a 17 hour speech tomorrow, uh, which will include all the inspiring and uplifting things, uh, that he wanted to say over the past, uh, two years but unfortunately could not.
Immediately after that speech, the president will set out on a tour of the Gulf coast, Afghanistan, and dozens of other locations to personally apologize for the wrongs committed by his imposter.
By his imposter.
But it looks like president Obama has a hard road ahead of him winning back all those disillusioned voters.
We're getting a flood of emails, and it seems the majority of Americans want to keep the imposter Obama in office.
Joan b.
Writes Terrence m.
Says Please keep sending us your thoughts on this very historic event.
We'd also like to hear what you think about juniper, what you think about juniper, the three year old mare implicated in an affair with anti-gay Mississippi congressman Ronald north a few weeks ago, who's just agreed to do a full spread in "stud farm," the equine soft-core erotica magazine.
Juniper agreed to appear juniper agreed to appear in exchange for a big bag of carrots.
We'll be right back.
By federal legislation, this program is now available in incomprehensible shout dubbing.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
Brooke: You've safely found your way back to "The Fact Zone.
" Rather than focusing on the big front page stories that define our lives, let's now turn our unblinking eye on the nation towards you, the little people.
Today's "eye on the nation" comes to us from wonn-5 in pennington, Illinois.
Well, today was a historic occasion in pennington.
That's right, dianne.
The entire town turned out to honor Paul Webster, the area's one gay man, with Pennington's first ever gay pride parade.
Gay pride parade.
Paul, a 33 year old hardware store owner, was too shy to ask for a parade, but that didn't stop almost 2,000 residence from showing their support for his homosexuality.
Mayor Sue Hallinan organized the parade and even chipped in some of her own money to pay for decorations.
Well, I was channel surfing one day, and I came across a program about the gay pride.
The next time I went to the hardware store, I said, "Paul, we're gonna throw you a parade.
" And he just said, "oh, please, don't do that.
" I don't want that.
"I beg you.
" He just didn't want us to go to the trouble.
That Paul.
Apparently, Paul was so modest that he practically had to be dragged out of his house and into the pink limo that took him to the parade where the whole town was ready to support him.
You beautiful, gay, sexy bitch! You just go for it, girl! You work it out! You're fierce! You're the bomb! You're the gayest most beautiful thing I've ever, ever seen! Uh, he doesn't want to ride on the penis float.
Uh, he gets motion sickness, so, uh, we're gonna have him hold the reigns instead.
Hold the reigns instead.
After the parade, the town whisked Paul to an information fair held at the local v.
F.
W.
Hall where Paul was given pamphlets and DVDs about prejudice, aids, meth abuse, and other issues of importance to Paul.
I think Paul felt real supported when the whole town stood next to him while nurse Jill was givin' him that aids test.
And Penningtonians have already decided on a fairy tale theme for next year's parade.
Oh, that'll be great.
And if Paul has a boyfriend, they can both be dressed up as kings.
Terrific idea.
Terrific idea.
Nothing worse than seeing tax payer money spent on something as frivolous as joyful celebration.
In another corner of the heartland, Oklahoma announced that Oklahoma announced that it will be taking a new approach to the hot button issue of abortion.
The state legislature passed a bill today making it legal a bill today making it legal for doctors to just pretend to give a woman an abortion and then send her on her way.
On his radio call in program today, Wendell mack called the new law a "win-win method" a "win-win method" for reducing the number of abortions.
Let's listen.
The doctor doesn't have to turn the patient away if performing abortion is against his morals, and-and the woman gets a beautiful baby.
I don't know why we didn't think of this before.
For some lightening quick expert analysis on this issue now, let's go to "The Fact Zone's" first responders.
Paula, let's start with you.
Is this law a good idea? Paula: Well, at this point, it's really gonna work for Oklahoma.
They have to provide doctors with the proper training with the proper training to perform fake abortions and that means acting lessons.
Duncan: Exactly.
You don't want a doctor performing a fake abortion and hamming it up.
I mean, he can't be like, "now I'm removing" the contents "of the uterine wall.
" It-it-it she's gonna see right through that.
Jason: Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, these doctors have got to be 100% believable when they pat the woman on the arm and say, "you can go home," but don't have any alcohol "for seven months as you heal," or, "abdominal swelling is normal.
" Whatever it is, she's got to really buy that stuff.
Well, you know, and article in the "Oklahoma city journal" yesterday morning actually suggested that the state go ahead and hire out of work actors to portray the doctors.
I mean, they're already trained.
As long as the woman doesn't recognize the doctor from the local community production of "nunsense," it should work.
But, Duncan, you're also you're forgetting about the baby's health, which is why so many doctor's plan on getting the women in for their bi-monthly prenatal checkups by telling the women that they have cancer.
Oh, that's smart! Well, they've gotta do something to explain away the morning sickness and the dizziness she'll be feeling.
And as the stomach grows, they'll say that it's a tumor that's getting bigger and bigger, but that it's inoperable, so the women should take the next few months to eat as much as they'd like as these are their last few months on earth.
See, I think that's a great solution.
People can complain as much as they want about how much doctor's make, they really do earn it.
They really do earn it.
Yeah, guys.
There has been some talk, though, about the babies born from these unwanted pregnancies.
What about them? Oh, my God! Once a woman looks in the eyes of this child, in the eyes of this child, be it in an elevator or a public bathroom, wherever it is that they suddenly give birth, they're not gonna want to give that child up.
Absolutely not, and look, you know, let's not forget about the, uh, the statistics that are emerging here.
I mean, many doctors who've already started doing this have said that two to three percent of the women come back after the baby is born and actually thank the doctor for what they did.
For what they did.
Yeah, that's very interesting.
All right, thank you so much for the expert analysis, first responders.
First responders.
Now, let's go over to Tucker hope for a look at what happened on "this day in history.
" Now, here's something you certainly don't hear everyday.
And that's because it was on this date in 1929 that fashion designers finally figured out finally figured out how to eliminate the embarrassing slide whistle sound made when trousers would fall down around a man's ankles.
For centuries, the history of pants had been inextricably linked with the sound with the sound of slide whistles.
Historian Bruce Thompson says, "by the early 1920s, many had come to believe slacks simply could not slacks simply could not be manufactured without "the accompanying sound effect.
" The accompanying sound effect.
" Menswear scientists had hit a wall.
They had become national heroes after silencing the bowtie, but men's slacks remained a sonic mystery.
It was not until the early 1950s that the true culprit behind the slide whistles was discovered, marxist revolutionaries who wanted to humiliate Americans.
To humiliate Americans.
The communists would hide behind tables and behind bushes with a whistle waiting for someone's pants to fall.
All Americans had to do was rid the population of commie sympathizers in a series of violent raids and the whistling was gone forever.
And that's "this day in history.
" Thanks, Tucker.
Well, we need to take a quick break right now, but first, here are the results of our "fact zone" insta-poll asking how the ConAir company could improve upon their compact wand massager.
We'll be right back.
Brooke: You can open your eyes now.
You're back in "The Fact Zone.
" We have update now on the ongoing story of the real president Obama being discovered this evening.
The man who's been impersonating Barack Obama for more than two years has been apprehended by police at a greyhound bus station.
The imposter has been revealed to be an out of work community theater actor named Roy Johnson who says he was paid who says he was paid the sum of 50 million dollars to have his face surgically altered to look like Obama and pose as the president for four years.
Johnson says he's been instructed by his unknown employers by his unknown employers to just agree with anything any of his advisors said and tell them that he thought their ideas were very incisive and original.
Further complicating matters, police have also announced that they've discovered a second Joe biden.
However, in this case, it does not seem to matter which one is real.
And I just wanna take a quick moment and let everyone know that my new book, "alone in the herd of fools," is in bookstores as of tomorrow.
I wrote it while I was on a cruise this past December and I'm very proud of it.
And I'm very proud of it.
All right, now let's take it over to Cressbeckler country.
all right, Joe, well said.
Good night from everyone here at The Fact Zone.
Be safe out there.
They're all against you.