The Patrick Star Show (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

1
- Hi, I'm Patrick Star,
and I live with my parents.
Oh!
This is my dad.
This is my mom.
Ooh-hoo!
[laughs]
This is my sister.
She's shy.
This is my grandpa.
This is my room.
And this
this is my show.
[light music]
- [grumbling]
[doorbell rings]
- Hello, friendly
neighborhood paper boy.
What can I do for you today?
- I'm here about the money,
Mr. Star.
- Money?
[chuckles]
Oh, I don't need any money,
but thanks for asking.
- Wait, no.
[groans]
No, you big pinhead.
You owe me newspaper money.
Huh?
Hmm.
- [humming]
Shower
[door opens]
[singing loudly]
- Fork over three bucks!
- Aah!
- [shouts, grunting]
I'll be back, you deadbeat!
- Bunny, there's a prowler
on the loose!
[shouts, grunting]
[groaning]
- Mom, have you seen
my ski poles?
[grunts]
Never mind.
- [moaning eerily]
- It's a g-g-g-ghost!
[whispering indistinctly]
You're right.
This would be great on my show!
[laughing]
Look, Squidina,
a real live ghost.
- [moans]
- Oh, perfect.
Let's do
a Ghost Peeker segment.
And action.
- Welcome to "Peek-A-Boo"!
I've just seen a ghost.
Look how big my pupils are.
- [screaming]
- Now it's your turn.
- [moans]
- Peek-a-boo.
- [moaning eerily]
Peek-a-boo.
- Daddy?
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Oh, Dad, you're no ghost.
Why can't we have real ghosts
in the house?
Peek-a-boo.
- [laughs]
Sorry, son,
but we can't afford ghosts.
Haunted houses are
for the rich.
Peek-a-boo!
- Gosh darn it.
I want to peek at ghosts.
- Aw.
- [sobbing]
- Oh, cheer up, bro.
I know where to find ghosts
for cheap.
- [speaking gibberish,
laughs]
- [sighs exasperatedly]
- Do you have a boring
houseguest who won't leave?
- Huh?
Uh-huh.
- Boo!
- Aah!
[grunting goofily]
- Get a ghost.
- Hmm.
[chuckles]
- Are you tired
of sleeping late?
[alarm ringing]
- [shouts]
- Aah!
- Get a ghost!
Tired of meatheads laughing
at your scrawny body?
- [grunts]
[laughing]
- Get a ghost!
We've got affordable spooks,
certified
to haunt your house today.
Just strangle your phone
and give us a call
at Get a Ghost Incorporated!
First haunt is always free.
- Free?
You don't have to twist my nub!
- If you'd like
to make a call, please--
[choking]
[eerily]
Ooh
- Hello?
Send free ghosts
to this address, please.
Thank you!
[doorbell rings]
[gasps]
Oh, boy, they're here!
- [laughs wickedly]
- G-g-g-ghost delivery!
These two degenerate souls
are guaranteed
to haunt your socks off!
- Not my socks.
- Yeah,
only if we feel likes it.
[laughter]
- Uh, they're just kidding.
Come on, guys,
you're embarrassing me now.
- Aw, you dropped
your hat, Dutchy.
Here, let me get that for you.
- Aah!
- Welcome to Star House,
gentlemen.
Are you ready
to do some haunting?
- Yeah, whatevs.
Where do want us to start?
- Mom's upstairs,
and Dad's in the kitchen.
- One side, please.
Time to go to work.
[chuckles]
- One scare, coming up.
[grunts]
both:
Our house is haunted!
- [singing loudly]
- [chuckles]
[grunts]
Mmm
- [chuckles]
- Huh?
- [chuckles]
- My sandwich!
Come back here.
- Huh?
- Whoa!
Hey!
- And now for the hot stuff.
[chuckles]
Dinner is served!
- That's the best sandwich
I ever ate
[belches]
- Hmm, this gone stale?
[screaming]
- I hope the other ghost
is scarier than you are.
- [humming]
- [chuckles]
- [continues humming]
- [whimpering]
[screams]
- Ah, these ghosts are lame.
How are we supposed to do
a scary show with no scares?
[grunts angrily]
- That cheapskate is gonna
give me what he owes me
whether he knows it or not!
- Sorry, kid.
We tried, but your family's
just too dumb to scare.
- Said the worst ghosts
I've ever seen.
I could scare people
better than you.
Huh.
- Oh, yeah?
all: Huh?
- I bet you couldn't even scare
that guy.
- Oh, I couldn't, huh?
Watch and learn.
- There's probably loose change
in the couch.
Aha! I think I found
a bag of money.
What the heck?
- That's not yours.
- [screaming]
- Hey, I need that!
- What?
We can't compete with that.
That spooky kid is a ringer.
- Mm.
Okay, the haunted-house-show
idea is dead.
We need
another show idea, quick.
Hmm.
You two are gruesome
and repulsive.
So
we can do a makeover show!
We're taking two uglies
and turning them into beauties.
And voilà.
You're to die for.
- What the--
- Huh? Oh.
both: Look at you!
[laughing]
- Huh?
I wasn't trying to kill them.
But it makes great television.
- Huh?
Wow. We're alive again.
We must've double-died.
- Hey, they sure buried us
in some nice duds.
both: You sweet kid.
You scared us back to life.
- Aw.
- Come here, you.
- You're welcome.
You're hurting me.
both: The Flim-Flam Brothers
are back in business.
Ahh.
- And I think we're gonna like
our new home.
[both laugh]
- Hey, nerdy kid,
get me a glass of water.
- Being haunted by ghosts
is one thing,
but now they're just
a couple of freeloaders.
- [humming]
- Huh?
The Flim-Flam Brothers?
You borrowed ten bucks from me
in 1926 and skipped town.
With interest
and adjusted for inflation,
I'd say that brings
it up to
$462,000!
- And nine cents.
- Sorry, we've been dead--
dead broke!
[rimshot]
both: [laughing] Huh?
- You owe me restitution!
Restitution!
Restitution!
- Hey, kiddo,
what's going on?
- Huh?
- [grunting]
- Aha!
You owe me restitution, too!
- Aah!
- Come back here!
- A clam flew away
with my skin.
- I wouldn't be a good producer
if I didn't carry a spare.
[giggles]
- Thanks, sis!
[grunting]
Well, kids, today we learned
that ghosts
aren't scary at all.
They're just
Silly.
- [laughs wickedly]
Boo!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- And just like that,
those pesky kids
were scared away,
thanks to
Get a Ghost Incorporated!
Aah!
And tell them
The Dutchman sent you.
Ow.
[jaunty music]
- I'm ready!
I'm ready, I'm ready!
Ready to work
at the Krusty Krab!
But first
Sponge smash!
[grunts]
[imitating Spongebob's laugh]
I live in a papaya
under the sea
Sponge smash!
[grunting]
Or a coconut
Sponge smash!
Or a skunk fruit!
Sponge smash!
Stinky! Ew!
- More fruit, Patrick,
more fruit.
Sponge smash!
[laughs goofily]
[grunting]
More fruit, more fruit!
[laughing weakly]
- I smashed all of it.
[grunts, laughs]
- Aw, barnacles!
I got fruit on my lens,
and I missed most of that.
- Oh, no!
We're fresh out of fresh fruit.
Back to the supermarket.
- Aw, man.
- Hyuh?
Hyuh! Supermarket?
Why, back in the 1940s, you
didn't have to pay for fruit,
Fruit was free, and it picked
itself off the trees,
and fell into your mouth.
- 1940s, got it.
I'll be right back
with more fruit.
[humming]
1940s.
Boop boop, beep boop bop boop.
- Oh, and I used to squeeze
the fruit juice
all over my face
and rub my butt
in the fruit meat!
- Ew, butt fruit! Yuck.
- And away we go!
Free fruit, here I come.
Ah, oh?
Hello!
- Warning, warning!
If you have entered
the knuclear testing area,
you are a knucklehead.
- Hi. Sorry to intrude,
but can you tell me
where they keep
the free fruit around here?
Huh?
Oh, I get it, keeping
it all for yourself, huh?
I understand.
I wouldn't tell anyone either.
No hard feelings,
I'll let myself out.
I said, "No hard feelings!"
Huh?
I guess you're
the head of the house now.
Bye.
- Three
Two
One
One and a half
One and a quarter
Now, now, now.
[banging on door]
Uh?
[grunts]
The 1940s were boring.
- Did you get the fruit?
- No, but I got something
even better.
[laughs]
- Aah!
- Who lives in this
severed head under the sea?
[knocking on door]
- All right, you two,
time for bed.
both: Aw!
audience: Aw!
- Aw, man!
- Come on, son.
The decapitated head'll
still be here in the morning.
[chuckles]
Come on, little girl.
- [sighs]
- Bedtime!
Night.
- Wish upon a star!
- [snoring]
- [growling]
- Night light?
Oh, sorry.
- [sighs, snoring]
- [snoring]
- Breakfast!
- [gasps]
[grunts]
I'm coming, breakfast!
[panting]
all: Ah!
- I've got some serious
hungries in my tum-gries!
[gobbling]
all: [angry muttering]
- Aren't you guys eating?
all: [angry muttering]
- Sorry?
- Don't be sorry, sweetie.
You need food to grow.
Who's a big boy?
- I'm a big boy!
[laughs]
And I'm still hungry.
[chomping]
[chomping]
- Pipe wrench.
- [burps]
- Thanks.
- Mm, mm--gah!
Uh, Patrick?
Do you feel any bigger today?
- No, thanks, I just ate.
[watch beeps]
- [gasps]
Gotta get you camera ready.
You're on in five.
[grunting]
Yep, okay.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[old-timey movie music]
Smile, Patrick.
audience: Yay!
- You're on.
- Ee!
Hello, everybody, and welcome
to the "Patrick Show!"
[burps]
- Hyuh!
I don't know
what's going on here,
but bigger Patrick,
bigger laughs.
Ah!
- [grunting]
audience: [cheering]
- Ooh!
[muffled exclamations]
- And I'm your host, Patrick.
Uh, what?
Whoopsie-gravy.
- Needle-nose pliers.
- [belches]
- Thanks.
- Whew, I'm thirsty.
Let's take a coffee break.
[pleasant music]
- Oh, what a wonderful hot tub,
GrandPat.
If it was actually hot.
- [chugging]
both: Whoa!
- It's hot enough,
but now it's too humid!
- Ew, tastes like mothballs.
[burps]
- Patrick,
you really are growing up!
- Who's a big boy?
- I'm a big boy!
[laughs]
That disgusting coffee makes me
feel 10,000 feet tall!
- [grunting, giggling]
No butts about it, you're
watching the "Patrick Show."
- When we last left the Sponge
Action Man, he was--
Wait,
where's my Sponge Action Man?
There you are.
- Huh? Whoa!
[gasps] Patrick,
you're freakishly huge!
Cool!
- Wow!
It's the new talking
Sponge Action Man!
Who smiled warmly and said
"Sponge smash!"
- Wee! Ow!
Arrg! I'm fruit beard!
[laughs]
- Sponge smash!
- Wee!
Ow!
Orange you glad to see me?
[laughs]
- Sponge smash!
- Wee!
Ow!
An apple a day keeps the--
Oh, you know, I think
I'm sensing a pattern here.
- Oh? That banana's huge.
- Sponge smash!
both: [laughing]
- [laughs]
- Oh, what a beautiful day
for a beautiful parade,
huh, Midge? [chuckles]
- Then Sponge Action Man
smashed the banana
with his teeth!
- Sponge bite!
[chomps]
- Ooh, that's looks good.
Patrick bite!
[chomps]
- [laughs]
[laughs]
Hey, this is
a nice fixer-upper!
- You know, Clint,
we have been hosting
this parade for 12 years,
and I have seen
a parade balloon eating
another parade balloon!
both: Oh!
crowd: [screams]
- That's no balloon,
it's a big boy!
- Ah!
[panicked muttering]
crowd: [screaming]
- Loud noises!
- Oh, ho, ho, yes!
This is mindless
entertainment gold!
- Extra! Read all about it!
Military called in
to combat pink monster!
- They were?
- Extra, extra!
We're okay!
- [frustrated grunting]
Why won't you toys stay
where I put you?
- Fire!
crowd: [screaming]
- Cool!
Roller skates!
[grunts, laughing]
Whoa!
- Oh, those were
our best tanks.
We'll have to resort
to knuclear missiles.
- Don't you dare hurt
my big brother!
He's not a monster,
he's just big-boned.
- Bombs away!
- Ow.
Ow!
Stupid mosquitoes.
Make-up!
- Uh-oh!
- Did you see him grow again?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Patrick must have been hit
with knuclear radiation
on his outside
to make him big.
So we just gotta get him
some radiation on his inside
to make him small.
- I'll try anything
at this point.
Takeover, soldier.
Hi--Whoa!
- Atten-hut!
soldiers: Hup, hup, hup, hup,
hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!
Huh, hup, hup, hup,
hup, hup, hup!
Hup, hup!
- Who's a big boy?
Who's a big boy?
- Oh! I'm a big boy!
[laughs]
Hot dog!
[barking]
Hey, where's the mustard?
- Mustard squad,
move in!
mustard squad:
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!
- [chomps, swallows]
[sighs]
Could have used some relish.
[belches]
both: Whoa!
Ooh!
- Aw, I was just getting
comfortable.
- I was just getting digested.
- Plunger!
- [burps]
- Whoa! Ow.
Thanks!
all: [cheering]
- Yeah!
- All right!
- Yay!
- Hooray!
- Yay!
[high-pitched] Yay!
- Mwah!
Who's a shrunken boy?
- [high-pitched]
I'm a shrunken boy!
And we'll see you next time
on the "Patrick Show!"
- Ooh! My turn!
Patrick smash!
- [laughs]
both: [laughing]