The Real O'Neals (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Kenny: The O'Neals had begun to find the rhythm of our new life.
My father had embraced basement living and mastered the art of crock-pot cooking.
And my mom filled in the greens.
They worked together pretty well.
My mother had even started referring to my sexuality as "the situation," which is step 2 of the 94 steps of accepting your gay child.
Yep, things were looking good, and then Agnes: I'm not tipping you because I know you're a millionaire back in your own country.
Geez, who's the crazy racist? Grandma.
Agnes: This is why I don't like cabs.
Allowing you to live in our country is tip enough.
Grandma Agnes, mother of my mother.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh yo - A straight-up Catholic gangsta.
- [Rapping.]
We at war Jesus walk God, show me the way Because the devil's tryna break me down - Jesus walk with me - the only thing that I pray Is that my feet don't fail me now Get the God box! Get the God box! We're pretty Catholic, but we could never be Catholic enough for Grandma.
Yeah.
Pope swap.
Francis down.
John Paul up.
Why doesn't your mom ever call before she comes? Because then we'd be ready.
- Jimmy, scatter these bibles around.
- Yep.
- What are you wearing? - Grandma's Easter bonnet.
This hat made me 20 bucks and change on her last visit.
Suck-up! I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to play the game.
- We need to talk.
- Right now? - We're still married.
- In the eyes of the law? - In the eyes of my mother.
- What?! You haven't told her?! How do you tell the world's most sinless Catholic, "I've decided the Bible was wrong about marriage and I'm going straight to hell"? Probably not like that.
Plus I'm not just getting a divorce.
I'm divorcing the only thing she likes about me you.
While my mother is here, please just be my husband.
Hey, wait a second.
I've made a new life for myself in the basement.
I grew a mustache.
I eat with my hands.
I make decisions without fear of criticism.
Pat, you grew a mustache.
You are not a pioneer.
Her visits only last two hours.
Please, just go along with this.
And no tickling.
- What? Old women love tickling.
- What?! - Jesus walk - [Doorbell rings.]
Oh! One more thing.
You're not gay.
Mom! So good to see you! The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now Mom! What are you doing? I'm hugging you.
My goodness, Pat, that mustache.
You look like a young Alex Trebek.
Oh.
[Laughs.]
Well, I'll take compliments for $200, Agnes.
[Chuckles.]
Stop! Stop! Stop that! [Both laugh.]
Um, quick sidebar.
Um, why haven't you told Grandma that I'm gay and you're getting divorced? Well, it hasn't come up.
We talk about powerball, what kind of stone fruit is in season.
We don't have time for idle chitchat.
Mom, you cannot keep avoiding this.
She's here now.
If you don't tell her, I will.
Man, I really miss the days when I could shove a binky in your mouth.
Fine.
I will do it.
But let me find the right time.
Fine.
Agnes: Shannon, here's $5.
I love that bonnet.
And I love all my grandchildren.
I thought I'd have more, but when your mother was born, she came out wearing my uterus like a hat.
- [Chuckles.]
- Just like my bonnet! Oh! We almost both died.
But then we didn't.
But my perfect grandbabies make up for some of what I lost with your mother.
[Chuckles.]
What should we do first? Oh! Well, we could play this really cool new game where we all talk honestly about what's happening in our lives.
That game sounds boring.
Come on.
I want to show you my new colander in the kitchen.
[Laughs.]
I have gifts for you kids! Shannon, I brought you a coloring book from my Sunday school.
The theme is "sins.
" You see, these two men are fornicating.
And I'll give you $2 for every page you color.
Getting paid to color? What?! And, Kenny, I brought a jar of my famous dill pickles.
Oh, I love your pickles, Grandma.
That's because they're thick.
They have to be long and thick and hard.
That's fine, Mom.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm okay with pickle talk.
And, Jimmy, my Bible study group bought these clever puzzles for all of our grandchildren.
We want to see who can solve it first.
Be first.
Neat! What is it? It's a genius test.
You have to get rid of all the pegs but one.
[Chuckles.]
Uh Bam! I'm a genius.
Oh.
I'll walk him through the introductions, Grandma.
Kenny, sweetheart, tell me what you've been up to lately.
Yeah, okay.
Um, well, I'd love to tell you about it in detail, Grandma.
[Clears throat.]
You know how I've always loved "Dreamgirls"? We forgot to get cake! Kenny, let's talk about it in the dining room.
He always loved musicals.
Mom, you're stalling.
Trust me, it's better to just rip the band-aid off.
You know that's not how I do it.
I massage the band-aid with mineral oil.
And then while you watch "Tom and Jerry," I slowly peel it back, and then you get a cookie.
[Chuckles.]
No! No! But it's not right.
She's old.
She could die without knowing the truth.
I know you think you're listing a con, but that's a pro.
Come on, you tell her your thing, and I'll tell her mine.
All right, fine.
We'll tell her together, but after dessert.
The sugar will make her confused and docile.
[Gasps.]
Run to the bakery and get a lemon potato cake.
Lemon potato cake? Yeah, it's a big Irish thing.
Potato cake.
You know, because the British kept all the real cake for themselves.
Bastards.
- I know.
- [Groans.]
Yeah.
This is when Jimmy went to state and Kenny won the debate finals.
And here's Shannon.
She won first prize at the science fair last year.
Such amazing kids.
They really take after you, Pat.
Oh, well, that's Thank you.
But they also take after my wife, who I'm still married to on a continual basis.
Thank you, Pat Not only for the compliment but for phrasing it in such an odd and stilted way.
You know there's a scoop there.
Sorry.
Don't you dare apologize.
I love to see a man eat with his hands.
Oh.
Oh, look at him eat like a gorilla! [Grunting.]
[Both laugh.]
Oh, good heavens, Pat.
- You know what? - Hmm? I've been wondering what to do with my Bears season tickets when I die.
I was going to give them to your cousin Gary, but he's still living with that Sikh girl.
You mean his wife? Either way, he's out.
My dream was to give them to a son, who I wasn't able to have because of Eileen.
But it just occurred to me that, Pat, you are my son.
Bears tickets? I'll always be your son, Mama.
Ohh.
[Sighs.]
Damn it! I'm not a genius.
- I'm average.
I'm average! - Okay.
Okay, we're going to put this down.
Grandma knew exactly what she was doing when she gave me the puzzle! Ahh.
Okay.
We have now been to five bakeries, and no one has heard of lemon potato cake.
Why would Mom send us for something that doesn't exist? She's ashamed because I can't solve the puzzle! She doesn't want Grandma to know I'm gay! Why would she be ashamed of the puzzle thing? No, you're right.
It's the gay thing.
That makes A lot more sense - A lot more sense.
- When you think about it.
And aunt Sally's out of the will since she went Presbyterian.
- [Telephone ringing.]
- Oh, my gosh.
Yello? Kenny: Hey, Mom.
Guess what.
There's no such thing as lemon potato cake.
Are you sure? Why don't you try a few more bakeries? You were never gonna tell her.
I am saving us from her wrath.
I'm coming home, and I'm coming out! Stay away! Go see one of those long "Hobbit" movies.
No.
You know what? Maybe Mom is afraid of Grandma, but, uh, that ain't how this eagle flies anymore.
This caged bird sings.
What are you doing, Kenny? I'm trying to speak for a generation, but it's it's very hard.
- Drive! - Yep.
All right, we've got 15 minutes to get my mother out of here.
Kenny's on his way home to blab everything to Grandma.
Well, the father in me says honesty is always the best policy, but the Bears fan in me says let's get her the hell out of here.
She's already criticized my housekeeping and talked about her will.
Okay, so that leaves friends' illnesses and filth on television and she's gone, right? Right.
Hey, Agnes, how's Carl Pilton's psoriasis coming along? Ohh.
Did I not tell you? He's dead.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're not gonna make it.
Um, cut through this alley! Jimmy: Screw puzzles.
I'm a genius at driving.
"Madam Secretary" was a good show until they started dressing tea Leoni like a hooker.
[Chuckles.]
So true.
Thanks for dropping by, Mom.
I got the cake.
Grandma, I'm gay.
Mom, do you have anything that you'd like to tell her? Ohh.
[Body thuds.]
Thank God.
Mom, you'll be comfortable in here.
Will these soft pillows take away my grandson being gay and ease my general disappointment with this entire family? Hopefully.
Have I died? Because Shannon looks like an angel.
Thank you for the nightgown, Grandma.
I'll wear it until you feel better.
That's my girl.
Hi, Grandma.
I'm sorry that I laughed when you fell.
Yeah, and, yeah, I didn't mean to bring on one of your spells.
I'm not ready to speak to you.
Except to say that you've ruined cake for me, and rainbows.
All right! Nighty-night, everybody.
Pat, let's you and I get into our marital bed, like always.
Mm-hmm.
Righty-oh, lover.
I cannot wait to cleave unto you.
[Door closes.]
Good job, Kenny.
What? Me? You broke our pact.
I did not break our pact.
I lied to you when I said there was a pact.
Well, then, you owe me $23.
50 for the cake 'cause it has seven rainbow layers, and it's adorable.
Wait, you guys are gonna spend the night in the same room together? With Dad's mustache? Yes, because Dad's mustache is Mom's beard.
Wait, what? No.
It's just one night.
It's not the end of the world.
Well, let me tell you, as someone who had a beard named Mimi, that's gonna get itchy and bitchy real quick.
- Excuse me? - I get it, okay? It stinks a little bit, but it's just 'cause I got some food caught in it, and I can't find it.
Kenneth Christopher Sebastian O'Neal, you are 16 years old.
Your frontal lobe is not developed yet.
I have more brain than you do.
And my brain knows what it's like to be judged by that woman.
Well, I know that it's better to be out than in.
And whatever that woman throws at me, I can take it.
And I'm going to bed.
You look like a Mormon's eighth wife.
I don't care.
I made $124 today.
[Snorts.]
[Sighs.]
So, how is this going to work? It's not a big deal.
It's six hours, and then my mother goes home.
What about next time when she visits? What are we gonna do when I live in a new place? We'll worry about that then.
What if you've got a boyfriend? What if I've got a girlfriend? How am I gonna explain spending the night A threesome With my ex-wife and a pillow? All I'm saying is that I think Kenny is right.
I mean, why don't you just tell her? Kenny doesn't know what it's like to have a difficult mother.
[Chuckles.]
Eileen: No, the cab is for my mother, and I don't really know how to phrase this, but if you could send your most, um Uh, patriotic driver.
- See you soon.
- So? Good morning, Mom.
Your taxi's on the way.
I'll bet you're excited to be heading home.
I am.
And, Kenny, I've decided I'm glad you told me about being gay.
Wait.
You are? Yes.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards fixing it.
Looks like she has a whole list.
Yeah, no, I'm not really sure it's something that you can fix, Grandma.
Well, that's just the thing.
It is.
For example, whenever you feel a gay impulse, take a cold shower.
Mnh-mnh.
I prefer baths.
So did the Romans, and we know what happened to them.
Also, write with your less dominant hand.
It'll fix that hinky wiring in your brain that makes you gay.
You know, again, I'm not really sure that's how it works.
Perhaps most helpful I'm gonna send you to this.
Um A gay conversion camp? Oh, camp sounds fun.
The rest seems a little odd.
You'll spend two weeks in the woods with other boys that have the same affliction you do.
Hmm Mmm.
These heterosexual s'mores are delicious.
They're so messy.
I got some on my shirt.
- I can't believe - Oh, I spilled, too.
We better go wash off at the lake.
- Good idea.
- Meet you there! [Cheers and laughter.]
Mm.
Two weeks in the woods with a bunch of gay boys? You're right.
I think that's probably the best thing for me right now.
Uh, I think Kenny's gonna be very busy this summer, Mom.
I don't think either of you is taking this seriously enough.
All right.
There's a cab out front for you, Agnes.
How about one more mustache kiss before you go? I'm not going anywhere.
Eileen, you've let this situation get out of control.
I'm staying here until I save Kenny's soul from eternal damnation.
What's the timeline on something like that? Could be weeks.
Could be months.
It depends on how much sin is hiding in this house.
Mom can't fake being married for that long.
Mom, you can't stay here.
You didn't even bring any clothes.
Good one.
I'll wash out my turtleneck every night and borrow some of your panties.
I'll take that mustache kiss now.
[Sighs.]
- Mom? - Look away! Mom, what are you doing? I'm eating gay cake on the toilet.
Mom, you have to tell Grandma the truth.
I have fought all my life for just a little bit of approval from that woman.
If I tell her now that my marriage is a failure, that will never happen.
You can do this, and I can help you.
I have successfully come out three times.
And which time do you think was the most successful? When you outed yourself in front of the entire parish? When you gay-bashed yourself at school? Or when you broke Grandma? I had a better plan.
I was gonna soften you up by cooking your favorite meal, and then I was gonna mention all the famous people you love who are gay.
What? Who? We don't need to do that right now.
George Clooney? Don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
Anyway, once I got you used to the idea that you already loved gay people, I was gonna tell you about me.
You think that would work for divorce? Well, it's got to, because [Sighs.]
This is not.
Oh, mother.
Is that sink ice cream? Mom [Fingers snap.]
Drop it.
When does she have the time? Good.
Shannon, you're here.
What stinks? Mom's trying to soften up Grandma by cooking her corned beef and cabbage.
Oh, good.
I thought we got skunked.
Eileen, I'm so proud of you.
And I fully support you telling your mom the truth.
I am, however, gonna try and get Agnes to sign this legal zoom document locking down those Bears tickets first.
Totally get it.
And I will do everything I can to help.
Okay.
This is how it's gonna go down.
Shannon, you get in there and you give her that completed coloring book.
Jimmy, show her that you finished the puzzle.
Yeah, actually, Shannon finished it for me.
Shannon: You can take the credit.
I'm already wearing her purple corduroy overalls.
Mom, she's had three glasses of Sherry.
She's in there smiling at nothing.
Now, you get in there, and you tell her how much you hate Dad.
That's right.
Hey, don't sugarcoat it.
Let's go.
One, two, three.
All: Corned beef! The scandal isn't that she's black, Grandma.
It's just the name of the show.
Well, it's confusing.
So, uh, do you remember when Joan and Ted Kennedy got divorced? Mm, the Kennedys.
Saints.
Yes, but they got a divorce.
I think the pope pardoned Ted on that one.
And Alex Trebek, by the way.
Also divorced.
So he could live with his mother.
[Chuckles.]
What are you getting at? Why all this divorce talk? Um I have something to tell you.
Before you do, I have to tell you something.
Eileen, this corned beef is really good.
- But? - No but.
You have made a lovely meal.
Hmm.
Oh, but I cut you off.
What were you saying? This is your moment.
You softened her up.
Do it, Mom.
Do it.
I, um I was going to say That, um I have to get dessert.
Or don't.
Am I eating the same thing as Grandma? Yes.
What happened? [Sighs.]
All that woman ever talks about are the two things I've done wrong in my life.
The first was being born, the second one was getting pregnant out of wedlock.
I have been waiting my whole life for the feeling I just got from that corned-beef compliment.
And let me tell you something.
It's worth staying in the closet for.
And I'm not saying this to hurt you, but the corned beef really wasn't that good.
She's just drunk.
I don't care if she stays drunk for the rest of her life.
I like her this way.
I guess she wasn't ready, but it's not for me to judge.
Everyone has to come out in their own time.
Oh, there it is.
Show me the pudding.
Oh, is that my favorite? Bread-and-butter pudding.
It sure is.
Oh, Agnes.
I thought I was your favorite? Oh, Pat, you're a rascal.
Well, Eileen, you have really outdone yourself.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
Kenny helped with the dessert.
It looks a little dry.
Do you want some sauce, Grandma? No, thank you.
You want somebody less saucy to give you sauce? I know you think I'm a silly old woman and you've been mocking me and my beliefs, but even if you don't care what I think, you should care about what God thinks.
I do.
No, you don't.
God doesn't accept you.
He thinks you're broken, and I do, too.
I didn't think anything Grandma said could upset me, but I was wrong.
That's enough, Mom.
My son is not broken, and if you want to talk about someone who's not accepted by God, you can talk about me.
Pat and I are getting a divorce.
That's right.
And it's not her fault, Agnes.
It was a mutual decision.
That's right.
So, you can say whatever you want to say now, Mom.
Whoa.
Kenny: Are you choking? Is this what we're doing? We're letting God take out Grandma? No! [Choking.]
Oh! I told you it was dry.
[Coughs.]
Come on, everyone.
We need to get to church early.
We have a lot of work to do.
Let's get going.
You heard your grandmother.
I want this family in the front pew so the holy spirit can blast us right in the face.
Jimmy: Oh, in the splash zone.
Dad, why are we going to church with this woman? Bears tickets.
Why are you doing it? This is ridiculous.
Everybody is acting like nothing happened.
It's classic Irish-Catholic denial.
It's the one thing they love more than corned beef and cabbage.
[Chuckles.]
No, it's not.
Oh, my God.
I'm doing it.
I call back right! At least Shannon, Jimmy, and I can still take communion.
You sure can.
I hope the foreign priest isn't leading mass.
I can barely understand a word he says.
Those New York accents can be pretty crazy.
You missed the turn.
Nope.
I didn't.
Why are we stopping at cousin Gary's? I've decided that your visit's over and it's time for you to learn about Sikh culture.
They just celebrated Hola Mohalla.
You should ask him about it.
- Damn.
- Damn.
Whoa.
It's not Grandma Agnes who's a straight-up Catholic gangsta.
It's my mom.
What? I'm sorry, Mom.
I can handle your judgment because I'm used to it.
But I just won't have you doing that to my children.
You're not welcome back to our house until you respect everyone in my family.
Aren't you gonna help me out, Pat? Uh, I'll take "no" for $400, Agnes.
You can forget about those Bears tickets.
Well, then I'm gonna shave off my mustache.
That's the most disappointing thing of all.
[Sighs.]
[Door slams.]
[Door opens.]
Hi, Agnes.
Hello, welcome.
Ugh.
Nama ow! I did not see that coming, Mom.
Thank you.
Coming out is really terrifying.
You are very brave.
What should we do now? Well I'd still like to go to church.
All right.
Let's go to church, take communion - [Engine starts.]
- And burst into flames.
We should probably confess we almost killed Grandma.
- Mm.
Ellen DeGeneres.
- I know that one.
Who else? Mm, that guy you love on "The Good Wife.
" - What? - Yeah, also, he's Scottish.
What?! You know, that was really cool the way you outed yourself to Grandma.
Oh, I was so terrified.
Was it that scary for you? No.
But that's 'cause I have a better mom than you do.
Mm! Your hairdresser, Timothy - Mm? - Ironically straight.
I don't understand anything.
[Dog barking in distance.]
Mmm.
Orange one's the best.
Mmm.
They all taste the same to me.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, what's the point?