The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s01e07 Episode Script
The Diary
For the past few years ricky gervais, Stephen merchant, and karl pilkington Have been meeting regularly For a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "the ricky gervais show" With me, ricky gervais, stephen merchant - Hello.
- And the little round-headed buffoon That is karl pilkington.
Hi.
Karl's been on holiday again, hasn't he? Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, 'cause you don't do anything.
You have weekends off.
You take at least five or six weeks holiday a year Even though you haven't got a job now-- You're meant to be doing this-- - And you still go on holiday.
- So your whole life's a holiday, basically.
Yeah, why did you need a holiday? Do you putter around? Your big day last week was going to the cobbler's.
So why did you need a break so much this week? It's just good for your brain and that, isn't it? It opens it up a bit.
You're not evidence for that.
Where did you go? - Gran canaria.
- For a week? - Yeah.
- Just sitting around? Um, well, there isn't much else to do at gran canaria.
I don't wanna go slagging a place off, Because every time I seem to talk about somewhere I get into trouble for it - Ricky: Right.
- But it's just a big rock.
It's just volcanic, ist it? And you must've looked like a little barnacle on that.
Have you been there before? Been near it before, to another rock, - But it was just-- - stephen: Why'd you go back? Because you think, "well, they can't have loads of these islands That are the same-- just a big rock with hotels on it.
- They can't get away with it.
" - stephen: They obviously are getting away with it.
Why do you keep going to these places that are rocks? Why don't you investigate first? Ask your travel agent - "is this a giant rock?" - because that's what you do, innit? You go and find out yourself.
When armstrong went to the moon, What was he expecting up there? That's fact that that's a big rock And he still went all that way.
I don't know what the point was.
No, so what I'm saying is-- What did you make of this place? Did you enjoy gran canaria? It was just a big rock but-- - I bet the moon was better.
- Really? what did you do? It was just-- it was a big hotel-- Big, massive place where there's loads of people - And you go for your dinner.
- That describes a hotel.
- Yeah, sounds like a hotel to me.
- You've nailed that.
I've been to a few.
That's sounds like it.
Do you know what I mean? It's the nice, Small ones where there's just enough people, But this is, like, mental.
And it was all-- it was full of old people.
- Stephen: Really? - Karl: That's probably why it's called gran canaria, - 'cause it's just old people.
- Stephen: Grannies everywhere? Yeah, all right.
But what I thought I'd start doing Is start a diary.
Okay.
Why? Just 'cause I had a bit of time on my hands And I just thought, "write it down.
- Write stuff down.
" - and do you hope that this one day will become One of the great literary documents like samuel pepys' diary? I haven't heard of that.
Is it any good? you never heard of samuel pepys' diary? - No, the-- - the most famous diary other than anne frank's? I've heard of anne frank's, And I thought, "if she's stuck in a loft, Knocking stuff up-- not much going on in her life at that point, Yet she was still writing it down.
" Yeah, whereas you've been to gran canaria.
I'm on holiday, so I thought, "there is stuff going on That I can chat about.
Start a diary.
" - Sure.
- You started a diary? - Yeah.
- And what are you gonna do? Did you keep it up every day? - Yeah, just-- - oh, can I read it, please? Well, the diary's meant to be something-- Please, can I read some out on this podcast? I-- karl.
Some of it is only relevant to me, so-- Oh, this is-- please, give me it.
- Oh my god.
- I mean, this isn't-- I haven't-- Look how big it is! - It's one of those desk diaries.
- It's huge.
It's about a foot long and it's-- oh, that is amazing.
Imagine if anne frank's had been like that.
As she got it out Everyone would've heard it clank down on the desk.
Yeah, but my writing's quite big, isn't it? Oh, look.
Give us that.
Do you know about joined-up writing? Have you heard about that? - This is amazing.
- Sometimes you can't read it, so it's best to-- Okay.
Oh.
Oh, look.
Oh my god.
It starts on the first day.
This is wonderful.
"going on holiday to gran canaria today.
Woke up to the news that tony banks had died.
There was a piece on the news about How everyone was shocked.
Got me thinking About an invention that would be good.
" Right.
"a watch that counted down your life.
If it says you've got three days left, Go to the doctor's.
" yeah, like that.
"told suzanne about invention.
She said she wouldn't buy one, But she said that about the ipod.
" How-- and how would this device work, this watch? How would you know when you're about to die? Is that a lot for you to worry about? Presumably the boffins-- No, all I was thinking is that tony banks fella-- He died and everyone was shocked about it.
But if you had a little watch on-- But how does it-- you can't just say "wouldn't it be good?" how would this work? Yeah, I imagine you're in the patent office going "I've got an idea.
" "well, certainly.
What's your idea?" "a watch that counts down your life.
" "oh! How does that work?" Just wear it.
Just pop it on your wrist.
"no no, what do you mean, 'just pop it on your wrist'? How does it work? 'just pop it on your wrist.
'" - Brilliant.
You're an idiot.
- It's interesting that he goes on.
"the flight to gran canaria was a bit bumpy.
I thought about the clock that counts down your life again And I wondered if it would know if you were gonna die in a disaster.
" now he's querying his own-- He's wondering if it would know.
He's invented this and now he-- "a fella on the plane was reading 'koi' mag.
It was a fishing magazine.
I glanced and noticed he was reading the 'pond of the month' article.
Don't think they could make it into a weekly magazine.
" To be fair to you, I remember seeing a y On the train once reading "carp monthly," A magazine dedicated entirely to carp, And it had "carp of the month," I just thought, "once you're three months in The editor must be stressing.
'have we got anymore carp? Have we got a carp that's actually done anything?'" I reckon if they use the same one twice, - There wouldn't be many complaints.
- Stephen: No one would notice.
"well, that's the carp they used two years ago.
" "there was a really fat bloke on the plane.
He was playing on his p.
S.
P.
While I waited to go to the toilet.
I looked at what game he was playing-- it was darts.
He's that fat and lazy.
He can't even face playing a more active game on a games console.
Me and suzanne got off the coach with a couple of old people.
One of them was in a wheelchair.
I don't think it was wise of him to come To a volcanic island with a wheelchair.
" - "everywhere is pretty rough pavement and slopey.
I guess I'll keep an eye on it as the week goes on.
Day two in gran canaria.
" Brilliant.
We're only at day two.
"the hotel is a bit odd.
I've never seen as many cross-eyed people in one location.
" - That's enough, innit? - Oh, that's amazing.
- Well, you may have to let me read a little bit more.
- This is amazing.
- Come back to it later.
- This is a brilliant diary.
This might be the best diary ever written.
"while I sat listening to the kinks on my ipod, I wonder if everybody thinks in their accent.
I know I do.
" what's this? What are you talking about? Just-- just that.
You know, when I sat there, lying on the lounger, And I was thinking about stuff-- How do you know you think in your accent? - Tell me a typical thought.
- What I mean is Say if it was like-- if I saw something, You know how I say "that's a bit weird, innit?" No, but I don't have to-- When you think, I don't think the sentence like I'm saying it.
It's just a thought.
The thought appears-- It's conceptual and it's already there.
It's not like I'll go, "rick.
" "what?" "just looking at that fella over there, were you?" "yeah, I was.
" "I was thinking that's a bit weird.
" "oh, so was I.
" I don't have to think out whole sentences.
Whereas you have, "karl.
Karl.
Karl.
Stop listening to the kinks for a minute.
Look over there-- more cross-eyed people.
" No, that's-- yeah, that's-- - Is that how your mind works? - In a way, yeah.
- Brilliant.
- That explains a lot.
That's great.
He has to think about whole sentences.
'cause I thought "that's weird, innit?" I didn't think "that's weird, isn't it?" I thought, "I actually think in my accent.
" And then I thought, "does stephen hawking? Does he-- when he's doing his math and that--" I don't know where he's from, So I don't know what his accent would be like.
I think he's from kent, cambridge or oxford.
- Right.
So-- - so you think he might think-- - In his voice.
In that voice-box thing.
- Stephen: Computerized voice.
I just wondered.
"had lunch inside today due to shite weather.
Sat next to an old fella.
Old men's ears and noses carry on growing as they get older.
Suzanne noticed his fingers were fat too.
Maybe they continue to grow.
Suzanne didn't laugh when I said her arse had the same problem.
" oh, god.
"day three.
Cloudy start to the day.
Had pine chips in the cafe.
Had a bit of an argument with suzanne 'cause I thought it was daft that we were paying for food When we were on an all-inclusive holiday.
Changed my mind when I saw they sold pie though.
The cafe was called 'tattoo's.
' The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos, But we never saw his wife.
" - Oh, brilliant.
- "had a drink in a bar.
Everyone sat and watched one of the local cats Lick its bollocks.
" It's the greatest holiday in the world! That's the entertainment in that town! "went back to the hotel to have a sleep before tea.
" I love the fact you're talking about old people, - But you're just as bad.
- You've done nothing so far.
He's done nothing.
He's having a kip.
"woke up to news about ducks being badly treated.
There was a really ugly one with bent legs.
" I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
Why does he write this down? Oh, god.
Oh.
"there is a fat bloke from bolton Who is in the pool as I write this.
He's got a big tattoo on his back, but I can't work out what it is.
" Dot dot dot, "he just got out of the pool and burped.
" Just felt that you had to keep us abreast of that? Everything's in the diary.
I just saw it get to the point where you're going - "breathed in.
Breathed out again.
" - stephen: Yeah.
"there was a big, fat fella in the sea who kept his t-shirt on.
If you're big and fat, is there more a chance Of you getting burnt 'cause there's more of you on show? I asked suzanne and she said she didn't know In that sort of not-listening kind of way.
" - stephen: "I wanted to hang about To see if the fat bloke was gonna get into the kayak, But suzanne said we had to head back.
" Just left him waiting to see - If he's gonna capsize.
"we go home today, so we got up early to get the last bit of cloud.
" No, it's just that it wasn't-- It's not that sunny all the time.
I mean, I was sitting in weather that If it was like that here, there's no way I'd be sitting in the garden.
- but because you're on holiday, It's like "well, we've got to sit in it.
Put your coat on.
" So are you gonna continue to write this diary? - Yeah, I-- - every single day? It's amazing.
Keep this diary up.
- It's amazing.
- I will.
I will keep it up, 'cause what I found out as well is, Earlier on before I went away, I think I did learn something And because I wrote it down, I remembered it a bit, so-- What was that? I was just thinking that I forgot it now But I remember looking back at it And not having to read it all Because I remembered the end of it Before I read it, if you know what I mean.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Harry from canterbury wants to know Whether any of us have ever had any cruel nicknames.
He claims that he's quite tall And rather hirsute, And he says he's often called lurch or wolfie.
He's always thought that karl looks a bit like mr.
Potato head.
Yeah, there's no potato that round, But I suppose you could fashion a potato to be that round.
Maybe if anyone can carve a potato Into the roundest head ever, Pop a couple of eyes on it Make it look as much like karl as possible.
- Ricky: Exactly.
- Stephen: Yeah.
Any nicknames? Did you ever have a nickname, rick? No, I was boring.
I didn't have any.
It was just around the name, like "gerv" or something like that.
No, I didn't have nicknames.
I always wanted a nickname.
I just thought it was quite cool for some reason, Particularly because gangsters always seemed to have nicknames.
- Lefty.
Yeah.
- Fingers.
Lefty, yeah.
- Scarface.
- Yeah.
And so I decided 'cause no one was giving me a nickname at school-- It was kind of annoying-- or certainly not to my face-- I decided to just come up with one.
I remember I was at lunch once And I just said to my mate phil-- - How old were you? - 12, 13.
- Brilliant.
- I just said to him, "phil, I don't know if you know me, But people aren't calling me steve anymore.
Everyone's calling me spud now.
" - Now I don't know why I thought "spud.
" It's weird we should talk about mr.
Potato head.
I don't know why I thought "spud" was a cool nickname.
- I just sort of-- - it's a grown-up name, innit? It's also 'cause I think it sounded like-- It was probably something that you'd find in one of those kids' books, Like "the famous five" or "the back street kids.
" There'd be spud.
I'd always imagined spud-- He's not the leader of the gang, but he's a reliable member.
I think spud is the biggest lorry driver In one particular sort of car park.
- "here comes spud.
" - stephen: Yeah.
And he gets out.
"all right, boys.
" he's big and massive.
"spud can eat two breakfasts.
" Exactly, yeah.
But in my mind It was that I would be, one day, part of a gang.
"I'm pinkie, this is jo-jo and the tall guy is spud.
" That's be really cool.
And he just went, "oh, yeah, right.
" And no one started-- well, I was hoping he'd go, "you know, everyone's calling steve 'spud.
'" Yeah.
"hey, spud.
" the first time someone said "spud," you go "what?" - Yeah, exactly.
- You'd be really proud, wouldn't you? - No.
- Did you have a nickname? Um, not-- not rea-- There was a lot of people on the estate that I grew up on.
Nicknames are big things on estates and that.
A lot of my dad's mates-- What their nicknames did was tell you about them.
Do you know I always said the elephant man's a good name? - Ricky: Yeah.
- 'cause you know what you're gonna get.
If someone said, "elephant man's popping around in a bit, It wouldn't be a shock when he walked in.
" - - Yeah.
- So it worked in that sort of thing.
There was john the screw, all right? - John the screw.
- Yeah.
Did he have sex a lot or he worked in a prison? Karl: No, he had a d.
I.
Y.
Shop.
- - So you had him.
- Right.
There was fred the veg.
Yeah? I see what you mean.
It's cause he had the same I.
Q.
As you.
- Stephen: Or he was in a coma.
- Ricky: Yeah.
- Right? - There was my uncle, tattoo stan.
- Oh.
Right.
- He had loads of tattoos - That he'd just done himself.
- Oh my god.
The problem was, because he did his tattoos himself, The ones on his left arm were really good - Because he was right-handed.
On his right arm, rubbish.
So that was him.
- Oh, great.
- Then there was jimmy the hat.
- Jimmy the hat? - Yeah.
- Did he always wear a hat? - Karl: No, he didn't.
That was the point there-- he never wore a hat.
- That's amazing.
- Brilliant.
How can you pick up on someone Never wearing a hat? How would you ever notice? "I've noticed something about jimmy.
" "go on.
" "he doesn't wear a hat.
" Why was he not called jimmy the parrot? 'cause he never carries a parrot.
That's the way-- that's how they work.
"here comes jimmy three-legs.
" "why'd you call him that?" - "he hasn't got three legs.
" - I didn't really have one, Apart from-- I had a c.
B.
You know, like when you'd go on a c.
B.
Radio and have a chat-- Oh, this was a craze in the-- Was it late '70s, early '80s? - Early '80s.
- And it was just Short-band radio.
Everyone had these little handsets And they'd speak to each other in the local area.
Yeah, it was mainly-- I think it started off - With truck drivers.
- Lorry drivers, yeah.
Truckers, yeah.
There was that thing from the 1970s-- - "convoy.
" - "convoy.
" yeah.
Yeah.
Karl: Yeah, so I had one of them - And my handle-- I had two of them-- - Handle is your nickname, your name? - Yeah, there's loads of code, - Code stuff.
- Ricky: Yeah.
I had a couple.
There wa- 'cause there's a lot of pilkingtons in manchester, So if someone wants pilky02 in manchester, it's open.
You know what I mean? They can have it.
There is people scrambling for-- " I want pilky01.
" And then because I did boxing and that - Ricky: Well, you did it once.
- Stephen: Yeah.
I had boxerboy, 'cause I thought that's quite a good image as well.
That's kind of like people going, "oh, don't mess with him.
" If he asks what your handle is-- "tell him.
" "it's boxerboy.
" So I just had them two, and I used to go on there.
Pointless.
What is the point of this? - You just meet people.
- You don't meet people.
You say, "what's your handle?" "boxerboy.
What's yours?" "uh, rubber duck "all ri" No, but then you'll say-- you'll go, - "what's your 20?" - what's that mean? - That's "where are you?" - why didn't you say, "where are you?" Just in case there's someone who's listening in-- You hear about this all the time-- People listening, jotting stuff down.
Oh, right.
So just in case someone in the world doesn't know What "handle" means, they're out of the loop.
- They're out of the loop.
- It's not a difficult code to crack If you're trying to track someone.
It's hardly the head of the mafia Talking to each other because the fbi are on the wire.
It's ridiculous.
"he keeps saying 'what's your handle?' And they come back with something else.
I can't work out what's going on.
" It's like anything.
That's what codes-- That's what codes are all about, innit? - You set them up and that.
- Go on.
Tell me the codes then.
Reveal, at long last, to the world what these codes are.
- Yeah.
- All right, so "what's your 20?" - "where are you?" - this is better than the enigma.
- Right now here we go.
- What? "how many candles are you burning?" Uh, does that mean "how big is your car?" or something like that? - Horsepower or something like that? - See? No that's not-- - All right, "what time is it?" - no, "how old are you?" - What? "how old are you?" okay.
- Right.
"how many candles are you burning?" of course.
So what-- what's the answer come back? - You go, uh-- - "I'm 15.
" - 14.
- Brilliant.
That code-- that code is-- There's-- no one's gonna work that out.
I wish you had kept a diary of this, - 'cause this has been fascinating.
- Now and again, Someone will come in and go, "side on," right? - What's that mean? - Karl: That means there's Someone out there listening in to this chat - And going "this sounds interesting.
" - yeah.
No, it doesn't.
- Unlikely.
- Yeah.
They want to join in, so they go "side on.
" You go "side on.
Bring it in.
" right? And they go, "all right.
" How many candles are you burning? Yeah.
What's your 20? - Yeah.
- See you later.
What's your 20? How many candles are you burning? - Oh.
- I mean, it seems to me That what you should have done is made a note The first time so that when you then speak to them again, You don't need to ask them those questions.
Can I just confirm that you're burning 15? It's that time again.
Do the jingle.
Oh! Monkey news! sorry.
Sorry.
Okay.
I'm gonna do a really good one.
- Stephen: Okay, go.
- Oh! Chimpanzee that! Monkey news, you You know it's nearly time for the winter olympics again.
- Is it? - They sort of come around every four years.
- Is it this year is it? - Yeah and the last one that happened - Four years ago yeah.
- There was a bit of an incident.
Oh no.
Do you remember any winners that were monkeys - In any of the tournaments? - Ricky: No.
Course not.
It's not going to be that 'cause it wouldn't be true.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, one-- One of the popular events-- bobsleigh.
Okay, right.
You know-- you know how it works.
- It's like a sled.
- Well, you need four men-- is it four men or five men? - Four men.
- It's definitely four men - That you need on-- - is it-- and two.
And there's two-team bobsleighs.
But they're always men, isn't that right, rick? Let me just clarify: With the olympics you can't have animals taking part? No, and also-- well, no, 'cause they wouldn't be allowed; And two, there's no way they could disguise it, Because not only would they see it straightaway, right? - But they have blood tests - okay.
- Which would show up-- - so they'd definitely know if it was a non-human.
Blood sts-- it's impossible.
It'd be literally impossible to have anything Other than a human involved in a bobsleigh team.
Fine.
Okay.
So carry on.
Anyway, the country was doing really well - In the qualifying stages.
- Stephen: Oh yes.
But the problem was there was two members Who were getting all the press and stuff.
- Ricky: Oh right, yeah.
- Karl: So this one member was getting fed up Because the other two were getting all the press and what have you, - So he said, "I'm not happy with this.
" - stephen: Yeah.
- Karl: "I'm jacking it in.
" - stephen: Oh.
So they were like "you're joking.
We've qualified.
We're getting into the main race.
" He said, "you can't leave us now.
" And he said, "well, youúcan do it all on your own before, The way you were acting like you didn't need me.
So I'm going.
" so the clock's ticking.
It's getting close to the big race and everything.
- Of course it is, yeah.
- They're like, "what are we gonna do here?" - The substitute they took with them.
- What they gonna do? - They would take their substitute.
- No, they didn't Have any other-- there'd been a lot of injuries and stuff.
We'll just get our mate to do it.
Just get a mate, a friend or the coach to do it.
There's a lot of responsibility on these people And you don't want to let your country down and that.
- And they're like, "what are we gonna do?" - get a waiter or anyone.
Anyway, the time comes for the race.
There seems to be three people on it.
There appears to be three.
Okay, yeah.
They start off.
They're whizzing around the track, faster than normal.
- They're beating their old record - Stephen: Right amazing.
Because the new fellow they've got is a little bit smaller.
- Stephen: Oh.
- Is he in the bobsleigh or was he pushing? - He's-- he's in it.
- Oh, okay.
He's wearing the uniform and a helmet though.
He's got something-- He's got all of it on.
He's got the kit on.
- Nobody knows who he is but the country's loving it.
- Stephen: Course they are.
They're like, "it looks like we gonna break all our records.
- It's good that they found someone new.
" - stephen:"yeah.
" "I bet the other fella who left is kicking himself, Thinking, 'oh, I could have been part of this.
'" - Anyway-- - this wasn't that bloke That had very short legs and long arms, was it? Anyway what happened is they're whizzing around the track and what have you - Faster than ever, yeah.
- Faster than ever, And the press are like "beating our records there.
" They started taking photographs.
- Oh.
- Lot of flashes from the cameras and stuff.
- Stephen: Right, of course.
- Karl: Suddenly the bobsleigh goes a bit mental - And whizzes off the track.
Ambulance comes rushing over And the other two members are looking pretty nervous for some reason.
They're saying, "look, don't take the helmet off, Because you can do more damage to the"-- Well, don't tell the paramedics how to do it.
They know their job.
They know their job, please.
They're like, "you know, plus you know he doesn't-- He came in at the last minute, to help us out.
He doesn't want everyone to know who he is.
- He's not after the limelight" - ricky: Yeah.
"Like some other members we used to have.
He's just was helping his country out.
Leave the helmet on.
" Anyway, they get him in the ambulance, The other two are looking a bit worried and what have you.
- They're gutted that they lost theace.
- The little bloke-- - Is the bloke not saying anything? - He's in the ambulance now.
- Is he not saying anything, though? - It was reported that One of the ambulance drivers said that on that dreadful night, When the country lost out on a medal in the bobsleigh, He reported that there was a monkey in the back of the ambulance.
People were like going "oh, you're joking.
" - I don't remember this.
I don't remember this.
- This is it, you see, Because they swept it under the carpet a little bit.
- They were like "this is crazy talk.
" - bullshit.
- "this is crazy talk.
" - it's bullshit.
Absolute shit.
- Where did you get this from? - This is crazy talk, right? It is crazy talk, and it's from the mouth of karl pilkington.
But the weird thing is that backed it up, The following week there was a story of some people Who visited the zoo and saw a chimp in a neck brace.
And that's this week's monkey news.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "the ricky gervais show" With me, ricky gervais, stephen merchant - Hello.
- And the little round-headed buffoon That is karl pilkington.
Hi.
Karl's been on holiday again, hasn't he? Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, 'cause you don't do anything.
You have weekends off.
You take at least five or six weeks holiday a year Even though you haven't got a job now-- You're meant to be doing this-- - And you still go on holiday.
- So your whole life's a holiday, basically.
Yeah, why did you need a holiday? Do you putter around? Your big day last week was going to the cobbler's.
So why did you need a break so much this week? It's just good for your brain and that, isn't it? It opens it up a bit.
You're not evidence for that.
Where did you go? - Gran canaria.
- For a week? - Yeah.
- Just sitting around? Um, well, there isn't much else to do at gran canaria.
I don't wanna go slagging a place off, Because every time I seem to talk about somewhere I get into trouble for it - Ricky: Right.
- But it's just a big rock.
It's just volcanic, ist it? And you must've looked like a little barnacle on that.
Have you been there before? Been near it before, to another rock, - But it was just-- - stephen: Why'd you go back? Because you think, "well, they can't have loads of these islands That are the same-- just a big rock with hotels on it.
- They can't get away with it.
" - stephen: They obviously are getting away with it.
Why do you keep going to these places that are rocks? Why don't you investigate first? Ask your travel agent - "is this a giant rock?" - because that's what you do, innit? You go and find out yourself.
When armstrong went to the moon, What was he expecting up there? That's fact that that's a big rock And he still went all that way.
I don't know what the point was.
No, so what I'm saying is-- What did you make of this place? Did you enjoy gran canaria? It was just a big rock but-- - I bet the moon was better.
- Really? what did you do? It was just-- it was a big hotel-- Big, massive place where there's loads of people - And you go for your dinner.
- That describes a hotel.
- Yeah, sounds like a hotel to me.
- You've nailed that.
I've been to a few.
That's sounds like it.
Do you know what I mean? It's the nice, Small ones where there's just enough people, But this is, like, mental.
And it was all-- it was full of old people.
- Stephen: Really? - Karl: That's probably why it's called gran canaria, - 'cause it's just old people.
- Stephen: Grannies everywhere? Yeah, all right.
But what I thought I'd start doing Is start a diary.
Okay.
Why? Just 'cause I had a bit of time on my hands And I just thought, "write it down.
- Write stuff down.
" - and do you hope that this one day will become One of the great literary documents like samuel pepys' diary? I haven't heard of that.
Is it any good? you never heard of samuel pepys' diary? - No, the-- - the most famous diary other than anne frank's? I've heard of anne frank's, And I thought, "if she's stuck in a loft, Knocking stuff up-- not much going on in her life at that point, Yet she was still writing it down.
" Yeah, whereas you've been to gran canaria.
I'm on holiday, so I thought, "there is stuff going on That I can chat about.
Start a diary.
" - Sure.
- You started a diary? - Yeah.
- And what are you gonna do? Did you keep it up every day? - Yeah, just-- - oh, can I read it, please? Well, the diary's meant to be something-- Please, can I read some out on this podcast? I-- karl.
Some of it is only relevant to me, so-- Oh, this is-- please, give me it.
- Oh my god.
- I mean, this isn't-- I haven't-- Look how big it is! - It's one of those desk diaries.
- It's huge.
It's about a foot long and it's-- oh, that is amazing.
Imagine if anne frank's had been like that.
As she got it out Everyone would've heard it clank down on the desk.
Yeah, but my writing's quite big, isn't it? Oh, look.
Give us that.
Do you know about joined-up writing? Have you heard about that? - This is amazing.
- Sometimes you can't read it, so it's best to-- Okay.
Oh.
Oh, look.
Oh my god.
It starts on the first day.
This is wonderful.
"going on holiday to gran canaria today.
Woke up to the news that tony banks had died.
There was a piece on the news about How everyone was shocked.
Got me thinking About an invention that would be good.
" Right.
"a watch that counted down your life.
If it says you've got three days left, Go to the doctor's.
" yeah, like that.
"told suzanne about invention.
She said she wouldn't buy one, But she said that about the ipod.
" How-- and how would this device work, this watch? How would you know when you're about to die? Is that a lot for you to worry about? Presumably the boffins-- No, all I was thinking is that tony banks fella-- He died and everyone was shocked about it.
But if you had a little watch on-- But how does it-- you can't just say "wouldn't it be good?" how would this work? Yeah, I imagine you're in the patent office going "I've got an idea.
" "well, certainly.
What's your idea?" "a watch that counts down your life.
" "oh! How does that work?" Just wear it.
Just pop it on your wrist.
"no no, what do you mean, 'just pop it on your wrist'? How does it work? 'just pop it on your wrist.
'" - Brilliant.
You're an idiot.
- It's interesting that he goes on.
"the flight to gran canaria was a bit bumpy.
I thought about the clock that counts down your life again And I wondered if it would know if you were gonna die in a disaster.
" now he's querying his own-- He's wondering if it would know.
He's invented this and now he-- "a fella on the plane was reading 'koi' mag.
It was a fishing magazine.
I glanced and noticed he was reading the 'pond of the month' article.
Don't think they could make it into a weekly magazine.
" To be fair to you, I remember seeing a y On the train once reading "carp monthly," A magazine dedicated entirely to carp, And it had "carp of the month," I just thought, "once you're three months in The editor must be stressing.
'have we got anymore carp? Have we got a carp that's actually done anything?'" I reckon if they use the same one twice, - There wouldn't be many complaints.
- Stephen: No one would notice.
"well, that's the carp they used two years ago.
" "there was a really fat bloke on the plane.
He was playing on his p.
S.
P.
While I waited to go to the toilet.
I looked at what game he was playing-- it was darts.
He's that fat and lazy.
He can't even face playing a more active game on a games console.
Me and suzanne got off the coach with a couple of old people.
One of them was in a wheelchair.
I don't think it was wise of him to come To a volcanic island with a wheelchair.
" - "everywhere is pretty rough pavement and slopey.
I guess I'll keep an eye on it as the week goes on.
Day two in gran canaria.
" Brilliant.
We're only at day two.
"the hotel is a bit odd.
I've never seen as many cross-eyed people in one location.
" - That's enough, innit? - Oh, that's amazing.
- Well, you may have to let me read a little bit more.
- This is amazing.
- Come back to it later.
- This is a brilliant diary.
This might be the best diary ever written.
"while I sat listening to the kinks on my ipod, I wonder if everybody thinks in their accent.
I know I do.
" what's this? What are you talking about? Just-- just that.
You know, when I sat there, lying on the lounger, And I was thinking about stuff-- How do you know you think in your accent? - Tell me a typical thought.
- What I mean is Say if it was like-- if I saw something, You know how I say "that's a bit weird, innit?" No, but I don't have to-- When you think, I don't think the sentence like I'm saying it.
It's just a thought.
The thought appears-- It's conceptual and it's already there.
It's not like I'll go, "rick.
" "what?" "just looking at that fella over there, were you?" "yeah, I was.
" "I was thinking that's a bit weird.
" "oh, so was I.
" I don't have to think out whole sentences.
Whereas you have, "karl.
Karl.
Karl.
Stop listening to the kinks for a minute.
Look over there-- more cross-eyed people.
" No, that's-- yeah, that's-- - Is that how your mind works? - In a way, yeah.
- Brilliant.
- That explains a lot.
That's great.
He has to think about whole sentences.
'cause I thought "that's weird, innit?" I didn't think "that's weird, isn't it?" I thought, "I actually think in my accent.
" And then I thought, "does stephen hawking? Does he-- when he's doing his math and that--" I don't know where he's from, So I don't know what his accent would be like.
I think he's from kent, cambridge or oxford.
- Right.
So-- - so you think he might think-- - In his voice.
In that voice-box thing.
- Stephen: Computerized voice.
I just wondered.
"had lunch inside today due to shite weather.
Sat next to an old fella.
Old men's ears and noses carry on growing as they get older.
Suzanne noticed his fingers were fat too.
Maybe they continue to grow.
Suzanne didn't laugh when I said her arse had the same problem.
" oh, god.
"day three.
Cloudy start to the day.
Had pine chips in the cafe.
Had a bit of an argument with suzanne 'cause I thought it was daft that we were paying for food When we were on an all-inclusive holiday.
Changed my mind when I saw they sold pie though.
The cafe was called 'tattoo's.
' The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos, But we never saw his wife.
" - Oh, brilliant.
- "had a drink in a bar.
Everyone sat and watched one of the local cats Lick its bollocks.
" It's the greatest holiday in the world! That's the entertainment in that town! "went back to the hotel to have a sleep before tea.
" I love the fact you're talking about old people, - But you're just as bad.
- You've done nothing so far.
He's done nothing.
He's having a kip.
"woke up to news about ducks being badly treated.
There was a really ugly one with bent legs.
" I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
Why does he write this down? Oh, god.
Oh.
"there is a fat bloke from bolton Who is in the pool as I write this.
He's got a big tattoo on his back, but I can't work out what it is.
" Dot dot dot, "he just got out of the pool and burped.
" Just felt that you had to keep us abreast of that? Everything's in the diary.
I just saw it get to the point where you're going - "breathed in.
Breathed out again.
" - stephen: Yeah.
"there was a big, fat fella in the sea who kept his t-shirt on.
If you're big and fat, is there more a chance Of you getting burnt 'cause there's more of you on show? I asked suzanne and she said she didn't know In that sort of not-listening kind of way.
" - stephen: "I wanted to hang about To see if the fat bloke was gonna get into the kayak, But suzanne said we had to head back.
" Just left him waiting to see - If he's gonna capsize.
"we go home today, so we got up early to get the last bit of cloud.
" No, it's just that it wasn't-- It's not that sunny all the time.
I mean, I was sitting in weather that If it was like that here, there's no way I'd be sitting in the garden.
- but because you're on holiday, It's like "well, we've got to sit in it.
Put your coat on.
" So are you gonna continue to write this diary? - Yeah, I-- - every single day? It's amazing.
Keep this diary up.
- It's amazing.
- I will.
I will keep it up, 'cause what I found out as well is, Earlier on before I went away, I think I did learn something And because I wrote it down, I remembered it a bit, so-- What was that? I was just thinking that I forgot it now But I remember looking back at it And not having to read it all Because I remembered the end of it Before I read it, if you know what I mean.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Harry from canterbury wants to know Whether any of us have ever had any cruel nicknames.
He claims that he's quite tall And rather hirsute, And he says he's often called lurch or wolfie.
He's always thought that karl looks a bit like mr.
Potato head.
Yeah, there's no potato that round, But I suppose you could fashion a potato to be that round.
Maybe if anyone can carve a potato Into the roundest head ever, Pop a couple of eyes on it Make it look as much like karl as possible.
- Ricky: Exactly.
- Stephen: Yeah.
Any nicknames? Did you ever have a nickname, rick? No, I was boring.
I didn't have any.
It was just around the name, like "gerv" or something like that.
No, I didn't have nicknames.
I always wanted a nickname.
I just thought it was quite cool for some reason, Particularly because gangsters always seemed to have nicknames.
- Lefty.
Yeah.
- Fingers.
Lefty, yeah.
- Scarface.
- Yeah.
And so I decided 'cause no one was giving me a nickname at school-- It was kind of annoying-- or certainly not to my face-- I decided to just come up with one.
I remember I was at lunch once And I just said to my mate phil-- - How old were you? - 12, 13.
- Brilliant.
- I just said to him, "phil, I don't know if you know me, But people aren't calling me steve anymore.
Everyone's calling me spud now.
" - Now I don't know why I thought "spud.
" It's weird we should talk about mr.
Potato head.
I don't know why I thought "spud" was a cool nickname.
- I just sort of-- - it's a grown-up name, innit? It's also 'cause I think it sounded like-- It was probably something that you'd find in one of those kids' books, Like "the famous five" or "the back street kids.
" There'd be spud.
I'd always imagined spud-- He's not the leader of the gang, but he's a reliable member.
I think spud is the biggest lorry driver In one particular sort of car park.
- "here comes spud.
" - stephen: Yeah.
And he gets out.
"all right, boys.
" he's big and massive.
"spud can eat two breakfasts.
" Exactly, yeah.
But in my mind It was that I would be, one day, part of a gang.
"I'm pinkie, this is jo-jo and the tall guy is spud.
" That's be really cool.
And he just went, "oh, yeah, right.
" And no one started-- well, I was hoping he'd go, "you know, everyone's calling steve 'spud.
'" Yeah.
"hey, spud.
" the first time someone said "spud," you go "what?" - Yeah, exactly.
- You'd be really proud, wouldn't you? - No.
- Did you have a nickname? Um, not-- not rea-- There was a lot of people on the estate that I grew up on.
Nicknames are big things on estates and that.
A lot of my dad's mates-- What their nicknames did was tell you about them.
Do you know I always said the elephant man's a good name? - Ricky: Yeah.
- 'cause you know what you're gonna get.
If someone said, "elephant man's popping around in a bit, It wouldn't be a shock when he walked in.
" - - Yeah.
- So it worked in that sort of thing.
There was john the screw, all right? - John the screw.
- Yeah.
Did he have sex a lot or he worked in a prison? Karl: No, he had a d.
I.
Y.
Shop.
- - So you had him.
- Right.
There was fred the veg.
Yeah? I see what you mean.
It's cause he had the same I.
Q.
As you.
- Stephen: Or he was in a coma.
- Ricky: Yeah.
- Right? - There was my uncle, tattoo stan.
- Oh.
Right.
- He had loads of tattoos - That he'd just done himself.
- Oh my god.
The problem was, because he did his tattoos himself, The ones on his left arm were really good - Because he was right-handed.
On his right arm, rubbish.
So that was him.
- Oh, great.
- Then there was jimmy the hat.
- Jimmy the hat? - Yeah.
- Did he always wear a hat? - Karl: No, he didn't.
That was the point there-- he never wore a hat.
- That's amazing.
- Brilliant.
How can you pick up on someone Never wearing a hat? How would you ever notice? "I've noticed something about jimmy.
" "go on.
" "he doesn't wear a hat.
" Why was he not called jimmy the parrot? 'cause he never carries a parrot.
That's the way-- that's how they work.
"here comes jimmy three-legs.
" "why'd you call him that?" - "he hasn't got three legs.
" - I didn't really have one, Apart from-- I had a c.
B.
You know, like when you'd go on a c.
B.
Radio and have a chat-- Oh, this was a craze in the-- Was it late '70s, early '80s? - Early '80s.
- And it was just Short-band radio.
Everyone had these little handsets And they'd speak to each other in the local area.
Yeah, it was mainly-- I think it started off - With truck drivers.
- Lorry drivers, yeah.
Truckers, yeah.
There was that thing from the 1970s-- - "convoy.
" - "convoy.
" yeah.
Yeah.
Karl: Yeah, so I had one of them - And my handle-- I had two of them-- - Handle is your nickname, your name? - Yeah, there's loads of code, - Code stuff.
- Ricky: Yeah.
I had a couple.
There wa- 'cause there's a lot of pilkingtons in manchester, So if someone wants pilky02 in manchester, it's open.
You know what I mean? They can have it.
There is people scrambling for-- " I want pilky01.
" And then because I did boxing and that - Ricky: Well, you did it once.
- Stephen: Yeah.
I had boxerboy, 'cause I thought that's quite a good image as well.
That's kind of like people going, "oh, don't mess with him.
" If he asks what your handle is-- "tell him.
" "it's boxerboy.
" So I just had them two, and I used to go on there.
Pointless.
What is the point of this? - You just meet people.
- You don't meet people.
You say, "what's your handle?" "boxerboy.
What's yours?" "uh, rubber duck "all ri" No, but then you'll say-- you'll go, - "what's your 20?" - what's that mean? - That's "where are you?" - why didn't you say, "where are you?" Just in case there's someone who's listening in-- You hear about this all the time-- People listening, jotting stuff down.
Oh, right.
So just in case someone in the world doesn't know What "handle" means, they're out of the loop.
- They're out of the loop.
- It's not a difficult code to crack If you're trying to track someone.
It's hardly the head of the mafia Talking to each other because the fbi are on the wire.
It's ridiculous.
"he keeps saying 'what's your handle?' And they come back with something else.
I can't work out what's going on.
" It's like anything.
That's what codes-- That's what codes are all about, innit? - You set them up and that.
- Go on.
Tell me the codes then.
Reveal, at long last, to the world what these codes are.
- Yeah.
- All right, so "what's your 20?" - "where are you?" - this is better than the enigma.
- Right now here we go.
- What? "how many candles are you burning?" Uh, does that mean "how big is your car?" or something like that? - Horsepower or something like that? - See? No that's not-- - All right, "what time is it?" - no, "how old are you?" - What? "how old are you?" okay.
- Right.
"how many candles are you burning?" of course.
So what-- what's the answer come back? - You go, uh-- - "I'm 15.
" - 14.
- Brilliant.
That code-- that code is-- There's-- no one's gonna work that out.
I wish you had kept a diary of this, - 'cause this has been fascinating.
- Now and again, Someone will come in and go, "side on," right? - What's that mean? - Karl: That means there's Someone out there listening in to this chat - And going "this sounds interesting.
" - yeah.
No, it doesn't.
- Unlikely.
- Yeah.
They want to join in, so they go "side on.
" You go "side on.
Bring it in.
" right? And they go, "all right.
" How many candles are you burning? Yeah.
What's your 20? - Yeah.
- See you later.
What's your 20? How many candles are you burning? - Oh.
- I mean, it seems to me That what you should have done is made a note The first time so that when you then speak to them again, You don't need to ask them those questions.
Can I just confirm that you're burning 15? It's that time again.
Do the jingle.
Oh! Monkey news! sorry.
Sorry.
Okay.
I'm gonna do a really good one.
- Stephen: Okay, go.
- Oh! Chimpanzee that! Monkey news, you You know it's nearly time for the winter olympics again.
- Is it? - They sort of come around every four years.
- Is it this year is it? - Yeah and the last one that happened - Four years ago yeah.
- There was a bit of an incident.
Oh no.
Do you remember any winners that were monkeys - In any of the tournaments? - Ricky: No.
Course not.
It's not going to be that 'cause it wouldn't be true.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, one-- One of the popular events-- bobsleigh.
Okay, right.
You know-- you know how it works.
- It's like a sled.
- Well, you need four men-- is it four men or five men? - Four men.
- It's definitely four men - That you need on-- - is it-- and two.
And there's two-team bobsleighs.
But they're always men, isn't that right, rick? Let me just clarify: With the olympics you can't have animals taking part? No, and also-- well, no, 'cause they wouldn't be allowed; And two, there's no way they could disguise it, Because not only would they see it straightaway, right? - But they have blood tests - okay.
- Which would show up-- - so they'd definitely know if it was a non-human.
Blood sts-- it's impossible.
It'd be literally impossible to have anything Other than a human involved in a bobsleigh team.
Fine.
Okay.
So carry on.
Anyway, the country was doing really well - In the qualifying stages.
- Stephen: Oh yes.
But the problem was there was two members Who were getting all the press and stuff.
- Ricky: Oh right, yeah.
- Karl: So this one member was getting fed up Because the other two were getting all the press and what have you, - So he said, "I'm not happy with this.
" - stephen: Yeah.
- Karl: "I'm jacking it in.
" - stephen: Oh.
So they were like "you're joking.
We've qualified.
We're getting into the main race.
" He said, "you can't leave us now.
" And he said, "well, youúcan do it all on your own before, The way you were acting like you didn't need me.
So I'm going.
" so the clock's ticking.
It's getting close to the big race and everything.
- Of course it is, yeah.
- They're like, "what are we gonna do here?" - The substitute they took with them.
- What they gonna do? - They would take their substitute.
- No, they didn't Have any other-- there'd been a lot of injuries and stuff.
We'll just get our mate to do it.
Just get a mate, a friend or the coach to do it.
There's a lot of responsibility on these people And you don't want to let your country down and that.
- And they're like, "what are we gonna do?" - get a waiter or anyone.
Anyway, the time comes for the race.
There seems to be three people on it.
There appears to be three.
Okay, yeah.
They start off.
They're whizzing around the track, faster than normal.
- They're beating their old record - Stephen: Right amazing.
Because the new fellow they've got is a little bit smaller.
- Stephen: Oh.
- Is he in the bobsleigh or was he pushing? - He's-- he's in it.
- Oh, okay.
He's wearing the uniform and a helmet though.
He's got something-- He's got all of it on.
He's got the kit on.
- Nobody knows who he is but the country's loving it.
- Stephen: Course they are.
They're like, "it looks like we gonna break all our records.
- It's good that they found someone new.
" - stephen:"yeah.
" "I bet the other fella who left is kicking himself, Thinking, 'oh, I could have been part of this.
'" - Anyway-- - this wasn't that bloke That had very short legs and long arms, was it? Anyway what happened is they're whizzing around the track and what have you - Faster than ever, yeah.
- Faster than ever, And the press are like "beating our records there.
" They started taking photographs.
- Oh.
- Lot of flashes from the cameras and stuff.
- Stephen: Right, of course.
- Karl: Suddenly the bobsleigh goes a bit mental - And whizzes off the track.
Ambulance comes rushing over And the other two members are looking pretty nervous for some reason.
They're saying, "look, don't take the helmet off, Because you can do more damage to the"-- Well, don't tell the paramedics how to do it.
They know their job.
They know their job, please.
They're like, "you know, plus you know he doesn't-- He came in at the last minute, to help us out.
He doesn't want everyone to know who he is.
- He's not after the limelight" - ricky: Yeah.
"Like some other members we used to have.
He's just was helping his country out.
Leave the helmet on.
" Anyway, they get him in the ambulance, The other two are looking a bit worried and what have you.
- They're gutted that they lost theace.
- The little bloke-- - Is the bloke not saying anything? - He's in the ambulance now.
- Is he not saying anything, though? - It was reported that One of the ambulance drivers said that on that dreadful night, When the country lost out on a medal in the bobsleigh, He reported that there was a monkey in the back of the ambulance.
People were like going "oh, you're joking.
" - I don't remember this.
I don't remember this.
- This is it, you see, Because they swept it under the carpet a little bit.
- They were like "this is crazy talk.
" - bullshit.
- "this is crazy talk.
" - it's bullshit.
Absolute shit.
- Where did you get this from? - This is crazy talk, right? It is crazy talk, and it's from the mouth of karl pilkington.
But the weird thing is that backed it up, The following week there was a story of some people Who visited the zoo and saw a chimp in a neck brace.
And that's this week's monkey news.