The Soul Man (2012) s01e07 Episode Script

1 The soul man is recorded.
In front of a live studio audience.
Hey, babe What do you think? I think you look like.
You about to go out and whack somebody.
Babe.
I'm meeting with the council.
Of the united leaders of faith All right? And I got a lot riding on this.
These the big boys.
They can make or break you as a preacher.
They almost like.
The corleones for christ.
And by the time I get home, I could be a made man.
All right, well, you wanna trade places with me? 'Cause I gotta hold a tea for the church ladies, And I don't even drink tea.
Unless it's long island.
Oh baby, why you worried? They don't like you anyway.
I'm just saying, at least I got a chance with these guys.
Okay, you got jokes.
But just remember, I'm doin' all this for you.
I know babe, and I appreciate it.
It couldn't be easy being the first lady of the church.
No, it's not.
They all think I'm too shiny for st.
Louis.
Make her put on some pantyhose, cover up her cleavage.
Which god gave me, and I enjoy showin' off.
It is pretty wonderful.
Uhh! You are gonna cover that up.
Before they come though, right? You ready? "Just when I thought I was out, They drag me back in again.
" I really don't think you need to be joking about this.
And take off that hat.
These guys are not the mob, They're the head of the five religious houses of st.
Louis.
And if they accept you, they will take care of you.
Now, you need to make a good impression on these guys.
Our church has been a member of this group for over 60 years, And it's up to you to make sure that we stay there.
You remember the lakeside church of god? Not really.
Of course you don't.
They a bowling alley now.
What the hell are you doin', boy? Well, boyce told me about your meeting, So I thought I'd come along for backup.
I'll be your muscle.
Because Well, I got muscles.
Just call me stamps "two times," stamps "two times.
" This is not funny.
"You talkin' to me?" Is you talkin' to me? That's not a gangster movie.
"I'll be back.
" All right sweetheart, we'll see you soon.
Babe, that was your cousin nikki.
She's in town, and wants to stop by and say hi.
Nikki.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
She is not welcome in this house.
Now, boyce, remember, she's family.
- And I think she's fun.
- Fun? The girl ain't nothing but trouble.
Every time she's around us, she cost us money.
Usually in the form of bail.
Tell her we not home.
Tell her yourself.
Break out the champagne.
Cousin nikki is here.
Boyce, can I have $100 for the cab ride? I'll give you 500 to get back in it.
- The Soul Man - - S01E07 Oh, lolli, my favorite cousin! Nikki, I have missed you so much.
Girl, look at you.
Look at you.
I know you are blowin' away this town with your class.
Uncle bart, you old bastard! I thought you died.
Not yet, nikki.
How's your mother? Oh, back in rehab.
I don't even know why she bothers.
So boyce, Do I call you "reverend ballentine" now? 'Cause I remember when I used to call you "cousin binky.
" I remember we used to call you Careful! You're a preacher.
Her nickname.
She earned it.
That doesn't sound very preacherly, boyce.
There's gotta be some passage in the bible.
That talks about being nice to your cousin.
- Yeah, I believe it's matthew 7:17.
"Don't let the doorknob hit thee.
Where the good lord split thee.
" Boyce, uh, we gotta go.
All right, look.
I want her gone.
Before the church ladies get here.
Church ladies? I wanna meet the church ladies.
I could teach 'em a thing or two.
All right, okay, that's it.
You know, How much money is it gonna take.
For me to make you leave? I don't want your money, cuz.
I got a good job now.
who you hustling this time? It's not a hustle.
I was sales woman of the month last month.
I got a $500 bonus, And a free trip to the virgin islands.
Virgin? They not gonna let you in there.
Are you sure you're ready for this? Yeah, I'm ready.
"Fasten your seat-belts, it's going to be a bumpy night.
" Why are you quotin' bette davis? 'Cause she gangsta.
- She was pretty gangsta - right? You know what I mean? Would you two take this seriously? Now trust me, How you perform in there will affect.
The rest of your life as a minister.
I'm a grown man.
I can handle this.
You reverend boyce ballentine? Daddy, you comin' in here with me, right? Please, be seated.
Well, he seems nice.
They always this warm and friendly? He in a good mood today.
The reverend father ignatius.
I'd like to start this meeting by thanking.
The reverend barton ballentine for his.
Exemplary service to the lord.
35 years.
Barton, there is no man who can take your place.
Thank you, father.
And this is the man who will be taking your place.
Yes, um well you know, Let me say it's an honor to meet everybody today.
It's a it's a hot one out there, huh? It's k it's kind of hot in here, too.
Somebody want to open up a window or something? I am told that you are the former rhythm and blues singer.
Who popularized the song, I want to have sex with you.
Well, actually, it's "witchoo.
" The, uh, "t" is silent.
Father, May I start the questioning? By all means, pastor fanucci.
We want to test your bible knowledge.
A simple question.
Who made god? Say what now? Answer the question.
Who made god? Well, uh, God made god.
Except he didn't have to, Because god has always been.
So Nobody made god.
You know, God is, was, and will ever be.
Excuse us a second.
We'll accept that.
Cool.
I'm a take sports for $200.
Got a pretty serious room here, I see.
Second question.
When will the world end? Hm.
Now would be a good time.
So, according to my calculations, It w it would be 25 people on the bus, And the bus driver would be, uh Jesus? That is correct.
This concludes the question-and-answer period.
For this afternoon.
Reverend cox, please bring forth exhibit "B.
" This is the secular music that you produced.
Between 1992 and 2010.
We want you to go through each and every lyric.
And explain exactly what they mean, Starting with your first hit, Spanking is not just for kids.
Well, um okay, how can I put this? Spankings can be Both painful and pleasurable.
As long as everybody agree on a safe word, The night can be delicious, In the sense that, you know, If you choose the right kitchen utensils.
Is this Mom, why do they call these "finger sandwiches"? Because you eat 'em with your fingers.
You eat all sandwiches with your fingers.
That's the definition of a sandwich.
Girlfriend got a good point.
Do you have to drive me crazy today? Yeah, 'cause I don't wanna be here.
I'd rather hang out with my friends.
I don't wanna be here either.
These old hags don't even like me.
Then why are you doing it? Because boyce asked me to.
I wouldn't be caught dead doing something I don't wanna do.
Just because my husband told me to.
And, that's why you're not married.
I don't need a man.
'Cept for a little bump and jump every now and then.
You did not hear that.
actually, I did.
But that's why I love you, cousin nikki: You just say what you mean.
Listen, if you gonna stay for this party, You gotta promise me you won't just say what you mean.
In front of these ladies.
Don't worry.
I'll say the right thing.
If there's one thing I know how to do, it's break the ice.
That's what I'm worried about.
Oh, I gotta bring over the scones.
Why do they call them "scones"? Would you stop? Hmm Nikki's secret recipe for breaking the ice.
Can I try some? Wait a minute, how old are you? Oh.
Be my guest.
Ladies, welcome to my home.
Come in.
Well, well, well.
I'm surprised you ever got around to.
Inviting us to your house.
Are we too much church or not enough vegas? you you're funny.
Come on in.
Ohh.
Uh, what is it, six bedrooms, And uh, what, three of you? Does everyone have to have two bedrooms? Well, w-we We saw the house and we liked it, so Now how much did you pay for those shoes? Oh, that looks like a designer dress.
Well, every dress has a designer, If you think about it.
Lolli, did you get a little work done? Your cheeks look too tight.
Okay, you know what? That's it Oh, hello, ladies! I am nikki, the good reverend's cousin.
And I think it's time for a little punch.
That's exactly what I was thinkin'.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Thank you, excuse me.
Punch is not gonna save this party.
oh, this punch will.
So, in conclusion, That's why you can't trust a big butt and a smile.
Interesting.
Look.
All right, guys, that's the last of 'em.
Well, unless you wanna get started on the imports.
No, no, no, no, I think that's enough.
Thank you, reverend ballentine.
It was very enlightening.
And I just want to be clear to all you.
That this is not my thing anymore.
Oh, I'm sure you've changed totally.
And now for the next phase of the evening.
The scavenger hunt.
We're going to need you to.
Go out and collect these religious artifacts.
You have an hour and 20 minutes starting right now.
All right.
That's it, I am done with this crap.
I mean, why are y'all doing this to me? Because we think it's funny.
are you guys ten years old? Look man, I came here to talk about.
Building a homeless shelter and a teen rec center.
For my neighborhood, my church, And my community.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, We're gonna do all that.
We just aren't done having fun with you yet.
Now you must swallow this spoonful of cinnamon.
All right, I am done with you people.
I don't care if you let me in, or not.
No, no, no, no, we're just kidding.
You're in.
I am? You are, son.
Ooh, lolli? This punch is somethin' else! What's in it? Oh, that's just a little citrus punch, Some orange juice No, we mean what kind of booze? Oh! No, no, no, there's no booze.
Oh, there's booze.
I might've accidentally put a fifth of vodka in it.
Just to lighten the load a little.
Well, it's lightening this load just fine.
Ooh, and your cousin nikki is a total delight.
You know, I am so sorry that.
It has taken us so long to get together like this.
And And I am sorry if we have made it.
A little difficult for you.
Wow.
Thank you, sister pearly.
My god, girl.
If I would've known this was gonna be this easy, I would've got these hags liquored up a long time ago.
Oh, that's just the beginning.
Wait and see what happens when I really work my magic.
Ohlyric? Remember when you said.
You wanted to go hang out with your friends? - Uh-huh.
- Go hang out with your friends.
Ladies, ladies, may I have your attention please? I want to talk to you about needs.
Your needs.
Now we all have to take care and pamper ourselves, am I correct? And nobody can do that for you but you, right? Ain't that the truth.
Ladies, let me introduce you.
To the wonderful world.
Of revco toys The nation's number one provider of pleasure devices.
For the discerning woman.
Nikki, you didn't.
Well, I never! Oh, these toys will take care of that.
Ladies, I am so sorry.
I really wanted this day to turn out well for all of us, And I had no idea my cousin was gonna show up.
With a suitcase full of sex toys.
Lolli, you can apologize all you want, Just step aside and let's see what she's sellin'.
Wait excuse me? Move it, honey.
Ooh, you think these come in a set? These would make wonderful stocking stuffers.
Ooh, these look therapeutic.
Do you think medicare will cover them? It never fails.
This stuff just sells itself.
I'm learnin' a lot about these church ladies.
- Ooh - No, that's mine.
So you knew those guys.
Were gonna mess with me like that? I sure did.
And I enjoyed every minute of it, too.
You did, huh? You sittin' there trying to explain your music That was priceless.
Daddy, you know, I think it's ridiculous y'all mess with.
People like that.
Oh, come on, It was just an initiation into the group.
Fun for everybody.
It wasn't fun for me.
That's because you couldn't see your face.
The best part about it is, You get to do that to the next guy they bring in.
Really? I can do whatever I want? Absolutely.
Ha! Okay, this gonna be great.
I got the wheels turnin' already.
Welcome to the gospel good fellas, son.
Oh, sister nikki.
I used my debit card.
Now, how is this going to appear on my statement? Industrial supplies.
Ooh, clever.
Sister lolli, Thank you for the most wonderful afternoon! Oh, and you are coming to our woman's bible class, On Wednesday afternoon? I wouldn't miss it.
Well, I guess this went well.
Oh, reverend boyce, it was the best afternoon tea I have ever been to.
Your wife lolli came up with the most glorious idea.
For a church stimulus package.
Yes, she did! Reverend boyce, I am so glad.
To finally get to know the real lolli ballentine.
Ooh! And your cousin nikki, Oh, she is a treat! - Nikki? - Mm-hmm.
A treat? Okay.
Well, I'm glad y'all had a good time.
Oh, fantastic.
Bye-bye! So much fun.
So much fun! Well.
So, nikki, You know, I gotta say I'm shocked.
I mean, I really thought if you stayed here.
You would do something outrageous, And I'd end up payin' for it.
You see? A leopard does change his stripes.
His spots, but okay.
Lolli, are you sure you don't wanna buy.
Any of my merchandise? Remember, you get a family discount.
What is she selling? Uh, booty supplies I mean, beauty! Beauty supplies.
You don You wouldn't be interested.
How did things go with the The Godfathers? Well, lets just say you are looking at a made man.
Does that make me a made woman? Yes, that does.
Let me get a little punch, baby.
Ah well Uh, no.
You don't you don't want that.
It's been sitting up.
Let me get you something fresh from the kitchen.
Fresh drink for a made man.
Man I'm tired.
When did we get a vibrating sofa?