The Spa (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

1 OK, well done guys, really good session.
Seriously, well done.
See you next week.
Bye.
I don't believe it! Eric, listen, have you got a minute? Come on, Stephanie, punch! Oh no, no.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I knew I shouldn't have had them two steak bakes from Greggs before my breakfast.
Come on, I know there's an animal somewhere inside you.
This is supposed to be an induction! I thought I'd be walking round the gym in a duffle coat with somebody showing me how to work those machines.
OK now, I want us to concentrate on some reaction training.
Oh.
What I want you to do is stand with your hands by your sides and just when you think I least expect it, try and punch me in the face.
No, I am not going to punch you in the face.
Would you mind not hitting me.
What's wrong Stephanie? Frightened you might trigger a bit of testosterone to start running through your veins? Now where's Marcus? When I booked this induction, I asked for Marcus.
Ooooh! Got the hots for Marcus have we, Stephanie? Yeah, well we did have a date, not that it's any of your business, is it? So, big Marcus is a big gay boy after all.
I did wonder.
Ow! Will you stop hitting me! That's better.
Now use that anger and try and punch me.
I am not going to punch you! "Stephanie and Marcus sitting in a tree, K I S S I N" Oh! Hello? Sorry about that, I've got an air conditioning unit in bits.
The inside of me shed looks like the Starship Compromise.
The what? You know, from Star Wars.
Oh, right.
Oh, did your friend find you this morning? Who? Big fellah, short hair.
I think he said his name were Stephanie.
That can't be right.
Oh my God! Right, let's get this shifted.
I said to Mrs Crabbe this were a ridiculous place to put this.
She told you to put it here? Yeah.
I told her this were the only wheelchair access to the club.
I don't know, between you and me, I sometimes wonder what goes on in that woman's head.
Sally, we've got a really busy day today, so I'm going to need you to be absolutely on the ball.
You know you can rely on me.
What's the ETA on the VIP? A-OK.
What does that mean? I thought that's how you wanted to speak? Sally, who have we got visiting The Spa today? I don't know.
You do know, because when I told you, you made a little joke and you said 'The One And Only'.
The one and only? Well, if you can't remember either! Chesney Hawkes, we've got the pop singer Chesney Hawkes coming today.
Oh, yes, of course! Finally.
Oh, Bolek, you'll never guess what, Chesney Hawkes is coming here today.
- What is Chesney's hawk? - Don't you remember him? He's a pop star, he was like Justin Bieber with a mole.
A singer with a hawk and a mole? We have a similar person in Poland, Adolf Dabrowski and his singing pigs.
Beautiful harmonies.
Alison, are we good to go or are you still eating breakfast? Oh, this, um, this isn't mine.
I got it for you.
I don't take milk and I don't do carbs after midday.
Sally, can I get some black coffee? I'll get this.
Thanks, Bolek.
Alison? I'll eat that.
Shame for it to go to waste.
Hmm, lovely.
Alison! Oh, lovely.
Yeah, I'm fine now Eric, thanks.
Any other problems, just give me a ring.
That's why I'm here.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Oh, Sally, do you have Trevor Dobbs's mobile number? Trevor Dobbsiz? Yeah, the lad in the wheelchair that was here yesterday as part of this Hertfordshire Heroes thing.
He said he might be interested in personal training.
I don't think his name was Trevor Dobbsiz.
No, his name's not Trevor Dobbsiz.
I asked for Trevor Dobbs's number, the number of Trevor Dobbs.
Oh, was there more than one of them? More than one what? More than one Trevor Dobbsiz? No, no, Trevor Dobbs.
Thick-set lad, about sixteen, saved a dog from a burning building.
I don't remember a dog being here yesterday and we don't have a member called Trevor Dobbsiz.
Trevor Dobbs! Christ, how many times?! Sally, I, Sally, Sally What the hell is going on out here? Nothing, I just accidentally raised my voice and Oh, you accidentally raised your voice, Marcus? Interesting.
Well, accidents do happen, we should perhaps remember that during your trial this afternoon.
It's not a trial, Alison, it's mediation.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout.
No, I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a bit delicate today.
If I find a mobile number for Alan Dobbsiz, I'll let you know.
Trevor Dobbs.
Thank you Sally.
Is everything OK? Yeah, I just found out half an hour ago about the death of Mrs Abbot.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Sally.
Let us know if there's anything we can do.
I'm fine, it was, well it was just a bit of a shock, that's all.
Who was Mrs Abbot? Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
I know, I shouldn't get involved, but Basically the plan is to put him on trial, prove that we're not responsible for his accident and then get him out.
On trial? Well, you know what I mean.
The problem is, since he went in that chair, he thinks he's fireproof.
Which is ironic actually, because if there was a fire, he'd probably be the first to go.
Alison, I don't want this mediation to turn into some sort of kangaroo court.
Who did you get to chair this thing? Um, I'm sorry? The independent mediator, who did you get? Independent mediator, er Alison, you have got to be kidding.
What? What? I just can't remember her name.
Er, she's a local magistrate.
OK.
That's good.
Although we're not putting this guy on trial, is that understood? Absolutely.
This Local Hero thing, is it going OK? Yes.
Um, we had the winner in yesterday, a teenage boy in a wheelchair.
Always a great photo op.
And we've got the pop singer Chesney Hawkes coming here to The Spa before he goes to the awards show to perform a medley of his hit while people are having a step class.
A bit naff, but it was Vron's idea.
Oh, that's great, it's really great.
Yeah, I thought of it first, but Vron said it out loud, so my idea, basically.
You really need to be courting more celebrity members, Alison, it's great for business.
Well, we once had Russ Abbot use the cafe.
I don't know who that is.
OK, I got a meeting at head office, if I'm not back by three, start without me, but I won't be long.
No problem.
What exactly happened to you, Vron? I told the client I was training to punch me in the face.
Why on earth did you do that? Because it was a boxing session.
I just hope he wasn't as rough with Marcus.
Did he have a session with Marcus too? You could say that.
Stephen, or 'Stephanie' to his friends, and Marcus had a date.
I'm sorry Davina, but Marcus is definitely a gaylord.
I were once very badly punched in the face by a kangaroo.
It was a side show at a fun fair.
Go three rounds with a kangaroo and win a leg of pork.
Knocked seven bells of shite out of me, did that kangaroo.
I went through the whole of the 70's not being able to watch Skippy without having flashbacks.
Ali! I was just thinking about you.
I'm in Xander's with Bernard, my accountant.
He's just had a sneezing fit and his melon balls almost ended up wearing his wig.
Come over, babes.
I haven't got time.
I was wondering if you can help me, I need to find someone to chair this mediation between the club and Marcus, you know the one in the wheelchair.
Oh yeah, I remember you telling me about this.
Sure, babe, absolutely no problem.
Really? I was thinking on the lines of a magistrate or someone.
What you need, babes, is someone admired and respected in the community.
Well, yeah.
Someone impartial, mature, professional and available at short notice.
Absolutely.
What time's the mediation? Three o'clock.
I'm all over it, babes.
Leave it to me.
You sure you can organise this, Ginny? I can't be let down on this today.
Ali, sixteen years we've been best mates, have I ever let you down? Frequently.
Well, not this time, babes.
Listen, I've got to go, but don't you worry about a thing.
I'll speak to you later.
Oh, Ginny, thanks.
No problem, babes.
Now, where were we? How many people are you expecting? I'm not sure.
I'm going to have to play it by ear.
It's a private mediation, but we will need witnesses here.
Well, maybe I should borrow Davina's whale music.
Do you not think mats on the floor might be better than chairs? What? For the meditation.
Mediation.
Oh, right.
I see now.
I've got you.
What's mediation? Marcus was trying to sue us at one point for the accident he says he sustained at work.
Well that's obviously fallen through, because he's agreed to mediation.
Oh, so he's not on trial then? No.
Course not.
Who said that? I've arranged for a special independent mediator to preside over the whole meeting.
The last thing we need is for this to turn into some kind of ridiculous circus.
Oh, I assume this isn't her then.
I wonder who it is.
You're not expecting anyone on a horse are you, Vron? Not today.
Oh, this is Ginny.
But why she is dressed as a Santa Klaus, I don't know.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Oh, is it true that Chesney Hawkes is coming to The Spa? Yes.
And apparently he is also bringing a mole.
I am looking forward to this.
Oh, not as much as me.
Er, is there any way at all I could meet him? Who? Chesney Hawkes.
Oh, I'm his biggest fan.
I've got all his albums, I've seen him 23 times in concert.
I've got every piece of Chesney Hawkes memorabilia ever produced.
And although I don't know where he lives now, I do know his last three previous addresses.
I don't know whether to give you a round of applause or call the police.
What in God's name are you doing? Babes, I am so sorry, I totally lost track of time.
I mean what are you doing here on a horse dressed as a judge? Well, I had a few too many glasses of red with Bernard, and while I am not pissed, babes, I thought it better not to bring the Range Rover.
Shall I tether your horse, Mrs Trench? Oh, would you Derek? That's very kind of you.
Eric.
Lovely, yeah.
Thank you.
Why are you dressed as a judge? Paulette my friend who I thought was a dead cert for this mediation gig is on a little four day trip to Marrakech.
Now I thought that was next week, because I know Howard, her husband, is sitting in the Lords this week, but Ginny.
Why are you dressed as a judge? As you know, babes, I'm not actually a qualified magistrate, but You have got to be joking.
But, hear me out, when my friends Paulette and Howard were going through a bit of a sticky patch last year, I was there every bit of the way for them and I pulled them through it.
And then it struck me, the person we were describing over the phone was me.
Impartial, mature, professional.
Oh, I'm sorry, babe, I knew I shouldn't have had that bottle of Prosecco to myself.
Or those garlic prawns.
I appreciate the sentiment, Ginny, but there is absolutely no way you are presiding over this in-house mediation.
No way.
Order! I will have order in court.
Pray continue.
And furthermore, I have always found Marcus to be not only honest and truthful in the time I've known him, but also in possession of one of the purest auras I've ever had the pleasure of cleansing.
Thank you, Mystic Meg.
So, Marcus, do you have any other character witnesses? No.
OK.
But I would like to point out Order! Order in court, I say! You will have your time to speak, but first I must hear from the prosecution.
Well first of all, I'm not the prosecution, because nobody here is being prosecuted.
Marcus, you were asked if you would like to have a witness and you said "yes.
" I personally think eight is a little excessive, but I would like to thank our very enthusiastic guest for stepping in.
I will take up as little of your time as possible.
Well I've got all day.
Order! Order! We have every sympathy for Mr Wells and the injury that he sustained through his own negligence That's not been proved.
Order! Oh, dear.
I think I've marked this table.
I have a star witness who will testify to the fact that Marcus Wells can in fact walk completely unaided.
Oh, there you are.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
Is it all right if I take a pew? Oh my God! No, it is not all right, this is a private meeting.
Would you mind leaving? I've heard what's been going on.
I'm here to support him.
Do you know this person? Er, kind of.
"Kind of?!" Oh charming! I don't call a romantic dinner for two in a Berni Inn banquette with coffee at your place after "kind of" knowing someone.
Would the gentleman kindly sit down and shut his cake-hole! OK, sit down and be quiet.
Come and sit here.
It's just getting good.
Call Rose Cearney.
Call Rose Cearney.
Call Rose Cearney.
Call Rose Cearney.
You, that's you.
You need to stand up.
Rose, I asked you if you recalled ever seeing a certain member of staff walking without the use of a wheelchair.
And you said, "yes.
" That's right.
Order! Can you point to that member of staff please? No.
What? No I can't.
Why not? Because he ain't here.
The member of staff we talked about was Marcus Wells.
That's right.
That's Marcus Wells.
Is it? I'm sorry, darling, I always thought your name was Jeff.
It's OK.
For God's sake! Have you been listening to any of this? Can I sit down now? That's inadmissible evidence.
I know, I've served on nearly a dozen juries.
Why does that not surprise us? And what exactly do you mean by that? Oh, come off it, why are you even a member here? You're not exactly addicted to exercise, are you? You only come here for an argument.
You're the sort of person who hangs around busy road junctions hoping there'll be an accident.
All right, that's about enough! I'm sick and tired of coming here and getting abused! Oi, sit down wide-load, before someone sits you down.
What did you just call me? Can we take this outside? Mrs Wylde, would you like to step out with me? It's Ms Wylde.
I'm not Mrs Wylde, I'm Ms Wylde.
Just shut up! Everybody just shut up! Look, the point is I never wanted to sue The Spa, I never wanted anything, except to keep my job.
I know you want me out, Alison, that's obvious.
You do everything you can to make my life difficult here.
You do everything you can to make me leave, but .
.
I am good at my job.
Even with the weight, even with the chair, I'm good at motivating people.
I just wish sometimes I could motivate myself.
And the winner of best performance in a wheelchair is Marcus Wells.
Let's get to the nub of this, shall we? Marcus, how far can you walk unaided? I can't.
I can't walk in any way that puts pressure on my spine.
I need either crutches or a chair.
So you wouldn't be able to walk if I did this?! Leave him alone! I won't leave him alone, he's my boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend! I only met him once.
Eric, play the CCTV footage.
Explain that if you can, Mr Wells.
Um, that's not him.
For God's sake, you again! That is conclusive proof.
No no, she's right, that's not me.
That's Alan Dobbsiz, the Hertfordshire Hero.
Trevor Dobbs! Alison, what the hell is going on?! Get you back in your chair.
There appears to have been a little misunderstanding.
There's no misunderstanding.
You don't have to keep trying to get rid of me, Alison, because do you know what? I resign.
Now wait a minute, Marcus No no no, I'm sorry Costas, I can't keep working with this psychopath! And to be honest, I can't believe anybody else can either.
Why don't we go back to my place and I'll give you a blanket bath? Please, just leave me alone! I still say he's not disabled.
The man is in a wheelchair, Alison! Anybody can buy a wheelchair! You don't get it, do you? You just don't get it.
It's only fair to warn you, we have one club member who has presented a dossier full of complaints to head office.
Miss Bergita Wylde.
Ms Bergita Wylde.
Sorry? Nothing.
Now I wouldn't usually pander to blackmail, but she's got us over a barrel.
She's made it very clear that she has every intention of going to the press unless we meet a list of her demands.
"One year's free membership, unlimited free treatments, "a designated parking space and free food and drink in the cafe.
" Well, that last one will definitely put us out of business.
Oh, and she has one more demand.
Which is slightly more bizarre.
We have a pop star visiting The Spa, yes? I am the one and only Nobody I'd rather be I am the one and only You can't take that away from me