The Tick (2001) s01e07 Episode Script

I'm standing outside
the courtroom.
The air is crackling
with anticipation.
This marks the first official
indictment ever successfully
made against Destroyo.
Wait, someone is arriving.
I think it may be
Destroyo, can you explain the
thermonuclear bomb
and ransom note found
in your armored limousine?
Yes, I can.
They were merely research
for my novella.
"Give Me Money or I'll Destroy
Your President."
All right, that's enough.
Come on, let's go.
I would like to say something
for the record.
I am a legitimate businessman
and patron of the arts
who has been unfairly
stigmatized
because I happen
to wear a Teflon
and Titanium exoskeleton which
sadly tends to frighten
small children and causes heart
attacks in the elderly.
Why would I, a humble man
whose sole concern
is the import and export
of third world novelties,
possess a cache
of nuclear weapons
capable of destroying
the city 10 times over?
No!
I believe that truth
and justice will prevail.
The system works, and I have
faith in the system.
God bless America!
Destroyo!
People, people,
I'll be happy
to answer any
and all of your
I didn't want
to talk to you, anyway.
This is nothing more than
a salty slab of justice jerky.
Cut and dried.
His name isn't lifebuild-o or,
uh, have-a-nice-day-o.
It's Destroyo.
Destroyo!
So, you know, case closed.
I say we all skip this trial
thingy and go home.
Okay, what the, uh, Tick is
trying to say is that, uh,
we believe that truth
and justice will prevail,
that the system works, and, uh,
we have faith in the system.
When do I get
to hit him again?
Excuse us.
Coming through!
I am the wild blue yonder,
the frontline
in the never-ending battle
between good and not so good.
Together with my stalwart
sidekick Arthur
and the magnanimous help of
some other folks I know,
we form the yin
to villainy's malevolent yang.
Destiny has chosen us.
Wicked men, you face the Tick.
All rise for the honorable
Judge Kenudson.
You may be seated.
WellI Just got up.
Why is that man
wearing a dress?
Because he's
the judge.
Well, I judge him
and find him funny.
First witness.
On the day in question, I,
Batmanuel, drove to the mall,
uh, to pick up
the Tick and Arthur,
who still don't have
a car yet.
Oh, come on, Manuel.
You took up
two spaces?
One is no good
for the Manuelmobile.
She needs
two spots minimum.
Well, now, somebody else
has no space
for his
somebody-else-mobile.
You can't take up
two spaces with one car.
I will not subject her gilded
doors to the threat of dinging.
Two spots
I hate when people do that.
Well, why don't you
go park your own car?
Oh, that's right.
You don't have one.
Selfish.
Back-seat parker.
Squishy 12:00!
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no,
this is not my fault!
Hello, this is not my fault.
Hello?
What's wrong?
Could be nothing,
could be the stench
of unfathomable evil.
Oh, my God.
It's Destroyo.
Destroyo.
Tick.
You look like
a reasonable man.
Uh, if I may be
honest here,
I'm in a situation
with my insurance company,
so I'd prefer
to settle this
You needn't worry
about your insurance
little flitter-mouse.
Really?
That's such a relief.
Kneel.
Kneel before
your steely doom!
Okay.
Hey, bossy.
Why don't you pick on
someone my size?
Do you know who I am?
Yeah, I know who you are,
Destinko.
Why don't you curl up
your metal mitts into fists?
Because you face
the Tick.
Oh,
I will destroy you.
Well, bring it on,
crap-lobster.
Nuclear bombs aside,
the important thing is that
I had the right
of way.
Batmanuel,
please get to the point.
My point is, if my insurance
rates go up,
Batmanuel might as well
start taking the bus.
So, if there's any justice left
in this sorry world,
Batmanuel's deductible will be
lowered $200
$350
and this case
will be thrown out.
I rest my cape.
No further questions, Your Hon
$400.
Very well.
Court is adjourned.
We will reconvene tomorrow
morning at 11:00 a.m.
My head feels like it's
like it's going to have a baby.
It's called a headache.
It has a name?!
Gotta get to work.
Destroyo's really gotten
to you, hasn't he?
Stop using the D-word!
It makes the brain baby kick.
Oh! That's
the worst candy ever!
Ahh Ohh.
That's right, Irwin.
Just one small pull
on the trigger,
and all the pain of living
will go away like magic.
Don't!
Show a little backbone,
soldier!
Sorry, I'm
Come here, come here.
Here.
And you Can't I even
take a pee break
without you talking somebody
into suicide?
No.
Tick, please,
the only thing standing between
Destroyo and freedom is us.
I don't get it, Arthur.
We caught him fair and square,
dumped him off in front
of the police station
with a note pinned
to his chest.
We did everything
a superhero is supposed to do.
Why is all this happening?
Because this
is where we end
and the judicial system
begins.
Well, make it stop.
Tick, we have
to support the system.
The system is what
we're fighting for.
Then why is it
fighting us?
So, I think today
went well.
Oh, yes, I agree.
I've eliminated all the henchmen
who turned state's evidence,
which leaves only the Tick
and Arthur as witnesses.
Well, that certainly helps,
because with less witnesses,
The better
Hold it, Destroyo.
Did I just hear you right?
'Cause I didn't think you were
that stupid.
You just confessed
to killing the state's witnesses
in front of me.
Yeah, well,
I'm sure the DA
will be very happy
to hear this.
Maybe she'll add a couple murder
charges to the list.
If you make that call, you can
kiss a conviction goodbye.
I don't think so.
Poor simple Captain,
let me explain.
I was talking to myself.
Since I am acting as my own
attorney, anything I say
is privileged communication,
no matter what horrors
I may confess to.
If you report that,
I'm going to have to ask
the judge for a mistrial
All because of you.
Is that what you want, Janet?
Is it?
Heh, heh, heh, heh!
Tell me, did you have a warrant
when you searched my car?
Well, since when
do you need a warrant
to take a nuclear bomb,
anthrax,
and very strong rope out
of the trunk of a villain?
Then you admit
your rogue act of justice
was nothing more than
vigilanteism at its worst.
I'd say vigilanteism
at its best.
Your honor, in light
of the Tick's admission
that he totally violated
my rights as a citizen,
I move to have
all the evidence,
the maps, the anthrax,
the bombs,
and the very strong rope,
be ruled inadmissible.
Sustained.
Objection!
You can't object.
But I do!
Hey, bring that back!
I'm afraid the evidence
is inadmissible.
It's like it doesn't exist.
But it's right there.
I have to rule
in favor of Destroyo.
What are you? Blind?
Can't you see he's crooked
as a crazy straw?
Sir, I do not want to have
to speak to you again.
Well, I don't want to have
to speak to you again, either.
I'm warning you,
I will have order in my court!
Give me that!
Who died and made you the
cross-dressing king of justice?
Contempt of court?
Well, contempt
is a strong word.
I sure don't
like court very much.
Tick, if you get thrown in jail,
Destroyo's men are going
to tear me apart!
Good point.
Batmanuel,
swear you'll protect Arthur
while I'm in the pokey.
Uh
Swear it!
Uh, I-I swear.
Get him, get him!
There's Destroyo!
Destroyo!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
System works
in mysterious ways.
Okay, there's nothing
to be afraid of.
Nobody's going to kill us
in broad daylight.
That's what
the last witness
who was killed
in broad daylight said.
Look, we gotta face facts.
There is no evidence against
Destroyo anymore.
He's holding all the cards!
The only way
we're going to get him
is by finding
some kind of weak spot.
You face facts, Bunnyman.
We're not the Hardy Boys!
You know, something
from his past, maybe.
"He studied under the tutelage
of the Great Stanistoff
"Slatvia's premier
dance instructor,
who defected to the U.S.
in 1984."
If we leave now,
we can be in Vegas by morning.
Hey, wait a minute.
Oh, my God.
He's here.
Hello, this is Stanistoff.
I can't come
to the phone right now.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
Um, hello.
You don't know me, but
Poor little Liberty.
With stars in your eyes
and your star full of breasts
The walking,
talking symbol
of the land of the free
and the home of the brave,
the living embodiment of
"innocent until proven guilty."
It must be hard to
carry all that weight
on your downy,
delicate shoulders.
Shut up. You don't know
a thing about me.
On the contrary, Janet, I know
all there is to know about you.
You're a Barbie doll
trying to fit
into a world full of G.I. Joes,
dressed in your special
little outfit
by the fevered hands
of your sweaty Uncle Sam
The only man who
ever stayed in your life.
He taught you how to fight,
but not how to love.
And, oh, those boys All they
care about is peeling off
that costume to find out
if the doll inside
is anatomically correct.
Shut up!
Look at me.
Tell me you're happy,
and I won't say another word.
Oh, my God, it's all true.
I'm a lie,
and my life is crap.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Son, you've got a snake
on your face.
You got the antenna head.
So I do, so I do.
Name's the Tick.
And to whom do I have the
pleasure of speaking?
Me.
Me
So what are you in for?
Political prisoner.
I fought the system,
and the system won.
How about you?
Same.
Well, all right,
brother.
The man had been poisoned
without ever knowing it,
his clothes sprinkled
with arsenic,
which entered his pores.
Within two hours, he was dead.
Hey, we should probably
get some sleep.
Sleep, yes.
Another assassin favorite.
Well, we could sleep
in shifts.
Okay, yes, good, okay.
I'll take
the first watch.
I am the Prince of the Night,
after all, or whatever.
Now, where were we?
Your fear of being loved.
Right.
Like Batmanuel.
I mean,
that was just
That was just
a physical thing.
Not that
it wasn't great.
Of course, I would never
tell him that,
but it just wasn't going
to go anywhere, you know?
I mean,
come on, he's
he's
Batmanuel.
Huh?
Hyah!
Aah!
Another urban myth dispelled:
Ninjas don't bounce.
You saved my life,
Batmanuel.
I have to throw up.
And then there was Steve.
He was a lieutenant
in the Special Forces.
Now, he actually seemed
like he was going to be okay,
but he had this personal problem
from too much exposure
to Agent Orange,
and I was okay with it,
but he was really touchy
about it, so sex was always,
like, this huge issue,
and occasionally he'd go crazy
and just, like, flip out!
Confound you, woman!
Will your prattling never cease?
Can't you see I am working
on my defense?
Are you so needy,
are you so selfish,
that you can't live
for one second
without somebody paying
attention to you?
Sorry.
God.
Big piggies strutting around
with their wire eyes
shooting voodoo
at my noodle.
I hear ya.
What I don't understand is
I stopped a crime,
and yet I'm being treated
like a criminal.
I know.
It'scrazy.
What kind of system allows
an innocent party
to be thrown in the hoosegow
and the guilty party to go free?
Hey, you're preaching
to the choir.
Me, you're about the only sane
person I've met
in the midst
of all this insanity.
I am a karmic cosmic comet
leaving my stoned
immaculate crater in the soul
of the virgin mother Earth.
You took the words right out
of my mouth, Me.
Destroyo.
Destroyo.
Are you asleep?
Yes, wretched woman, yes.
Okay, um, do you really think
I'm needy?
Needy?
No. What you are is want-y.
There's a difference.
Which is worse?
Want-y. Definitely want-y.
Here.
Oh!
Aah!
That was just, uh,
a natural reflex.
Hello?
Hello?
Is that what they say before you
kill somebody "Hello"?
N-not "I'm coming to kill you"?
I barely know this little guy.
Why should I die because of him?
I have so much to live for.
Huh?
Huh?
Who is it?
It's your mother.
Mommy!
Oh, things are good.
Aah!
No!
Hello, I'm
Aah!
Get him up!
Get him up!
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
Are you all right, sir?
No!
But I'll be all right.
Let us out!
Let us out!
The system sucks!
Let us out!
Me!
Me, we're supposed
to stay here!
I am Stanistoff.
I was Destroyo's ballet
instructor.
Unfortunately,
his taste for pastries
was as great as
his love for ballet.
Always I would tell him,
"Leonid, watch the sweets.
The ballet world is not ready
for a husky wunderkind."
He was like, how you say,
a beach ball in tights.
I remember as
if it was yesterday
The taunts of the audience
"Dance, fat boy, dance."
I brought these.
It was at that point
that I noticed
the thermonuclear materials
in his trunk.
Objection!
Inadmissible.
Sustained.
The state has
no further questions.
Destroyo, do you wish
to cross-examine?
Thank you, your honor.
Arthur
I simply have
one question for you.
If your life were to end,
say, today,
would you feel it
had been a full one?
Objection relevance!
Sustained.
Very well, I withdraw
the question
But I'm keeping it.
Uh, actually, your honor,
I'd like to answer
that question, if I may.
Very well, I'll allow it.
Have I lived a full life?
Well, I've tried.
But, you know,
everyone has dreams
that they never
get to realize.
I remember
an old man once told me
this story about a little boy
who loved nothing more
in the world than to dance,
except maybe
between-meal snacks.
Like everyone,
he had to make a choice
between his dreams
and the bad habits
that make those dreams
impossible to achieve.
But that little boy didn't
grow up to be a dancer.
No.
That little boy got mean
and is here
in the courtroom today.
And that little boy's name
is Leonid Kasparov
Destroyovitch!
Dance, fat boy, dance!
Aah!
Arthur,
is the system working?
No-o-o!
No!
Right on.
"Destroyo
was overheard to shout,
'The combined weight
of the horrors I've authored
'would crush your carbon hearts
into perfect diamonds
of terror.'"
Well, he's got a way
with words.
You know, not to take away
from his evilness or anything,
but he is also unbelievable
with dating problems.
It would take a twisted mind
to make sense of your love life.
Well, Arthur, we fought
the law, and we still won.
Black Moses!
Is that what
I look like?
You don't look so bad.
Look at me.
Look at that
silly face I have.
You look much taller
in person.
I'm sitting in a chair.
I had no idea.